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Armageddon Into the Holiday Spirit: Why I'm Thankful for the Apocalypse
San Francisco, 7:05 AM
Tue Nov 10
28 posts in the last 24 hours
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Armageddon Into the Holiday Spirit: Why I'm Thankful for the Apocalypse |
Original material is licensed under a Creative Commons License permitting non-commercial sharing with attribution.
11/30/08
I looking forward this week's Jive Tarkin but ran into a bit of trouble Friday night. I was in the Unpleasant Zone trying to collect enough horse sweat to power-up my kludged together Internet Accessing Kineodynamic Steam Engine. Turns out the horses I was scraping belonged to a ravening horde of women warriors. Cranky women warriors; cranky, cranky, cranky. It took me and my wise-cracking mutant newt sidekick all day to escape from their hideously comfortable harem. I finally get back home to find my roomates have eaten all the leftovers, fat fucking fucks.
So what happened here?
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But not worse than me. (I. Whatever, grammar.)
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The bad news: if you don't own a harem, you will be in a harem.
The mitigating news: if you're particularly fetching, you might be lucky enough to be in a harem upscale enough to stock plenty of lubricant.
(if not: ouch!!)
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Just hope that the female eunuchs don't have to get their tubes tied. 'Cause that'd be barbaric.
I picture it sort of like freshman dorms, on a single sex floor. Minus the microwave popcorn and with really crappy P2P connections.
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I'm a pretty fat chick, but even I won't eat the deep fried oreos.
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* Lesbian Until Graduation, 'natch.
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Isn't that lovely. What High School creative writing class did you pluck this chestnut from?
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Moreover, even allowing for the egregious misinterpretation of the line as being "ripping on fat people," equating it to wearing clan robes to the Apollo does, indeed, suggest that all of us here are fat. It's also a pretty lousy analogy, as it equates making jokes about obesity with an organized an pernicious attempt to disenfranchise and eradicate an entire group of people.
It is, of course, of slightly higher quality than the kind of analogy that you might learn in a high-school creative writing class. I'm guessing higher education--a Bachelor's at the least, but probably no higher-level writing classes.
11/30/08
In the future, families will stick together. No more scattering to the four winds in search of jobs, wives, or better homes. There won't be jobs or better homes, and you'll buy a wife at gatherings. Besides, in unity there is strength.
No more shipping Grandpa and Grandma off to nursing homes either. Not only will their wisdom and storytelling abilities be needed, but they will be needed as emergency food and as something to throw to the ravening horde so the rest of us can escape.
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