Oh, and this post is probably work-safe, unless your coworkers are looking over your shoulders at the words on your screen. Or unless you start reading aloud. Some of the videos are a bit saucy, but they're from YouTube.

Tuvok (from Star Trek: Voyager):

Vulcans are automatically sex on legs, because of that whole repressed emotion thing, and the fact that it explodes - erupts! - every seven years with Pon Farr. But Tuvok is especially primed for slash fiction, because of all the smouldering glances he shared with Tom Paris and Chakotay, among others. Plus he's kind of an exhibitionist:


There's a whole web page devoted just to Tuvok slash fiction, with titles like, "Tuvok and Chakotay make a deal. But is it worth it?" Tuvok goes into Pon Farr a lot. There are even multiple stories of Tuvok hooking up with the mirror-universe Bashir, from Deep Space Nine. And Tuvok and Gul Dukat hooking up. Yay!

Jayne (from Firefly):

Jayne, you ignorant slut. For some reason, all of the men aboard the tiny ship Serenity are drawn to the manly brusqueness of the mercenary who would kill them for a nice hat. This Firefly Slash archive is full of Jayne/Mal, Jayne/Simon, Jayne/Mal/Simon. And there's more here. But no Jayne/Wash? Anyway, the Simon/Jayne pairings are surprisingly sweet and tender, with River giving Simon dating advice and Jayne admitting he really wants to turn the doctor out, instead of turning the doctor in. Here's a great passage from one story':

Simon arched his back, pushing up to meet Jayne's caress. His nails dug into Jayne's arm as he moaned low in his throat and shifted sinuously on the bed, spreading his legs wider. Jayne grinned down at him before taking his mouth again, his hand moving with delightful slowness, tongue stroking deep inside him, over and over, possessing without force. Simon gasped against Jayne's mouth, unable to summon any other response to this sure and gentle claiming.

His head felt like it was swathed in cotton and he stared dreamily as Jayne broke their kiss. Jayne watched him with a small, strange smile and nuzzled his cheek, making a satisfied noise under his breath. His hand tightened deliciously.

"Oh god," Simon gasped. "Yes, just like that!"

(Jayne pic from evinou)

Prowl (from Transformers Animated):

There have been a lot of Transformers named Prowl, but the latest version is a robot who turns into a police motorcycle. And for some reason, that's just unutterably sexy to a whole generation of slash-fic writers. Here's Prowl seducing Optimus Prime:

But Optimus a fast learner, and once he calmed, Prowl was quick to reward him. He turned his head inwards, placing careful, soft nips along the thin white plates of Optimus's jawline. So delicate-no wonder he wore the mask during battle. Removing a hand from Optimus's hip joint, Prowl ran it up the other mech's side, palm resting against the smooth curves of headlights as his fingers teased at the underseam of red chest plates. Optimus shuddered, whispering his approval in an unconscious reversion to a heavily accented, uniqe Cybertronian dialect that was so different from the formal, bland Cybertronian used by the Elite Guard.

And here's a debate about the Prowl/Jazz pairing, with links to some great stories. And here's a great essay on Transformers porn someone wants to see.

Miles Vorkosigan (from Lois McMaster Bujold's novels):

Miles Vorkosigan may have been pretty busy, rising above his tragic family life and his disability, to become one of the greatest heroes of ImpSec. But it turns out he's had lots of spare time to hook up with his handsome but dim-witted cousin Ivan Vorpatril, and his stepbrother, emperor Gregor Vorbarra. A treasure trove of Vorkosigan slash stories is here. And there are even more here. And there's the epic slash novel A Deeper Season, which you can read here.

Neroon (from Babylon 5):

Neroon is part of the warrior caste of the Minbari Star Riders clan, and a fearsome adversary. But he's also a legendary lover, especially when it comes to Marcus Cole, the human he fights in a deadly one-on-one battle. The two warriors come to respect each other and (in the minds of slash-fic writers, anyway) to embrace passionately. (Maybe that's why Marcus was a virgin for so long? He was waiting for the right guy to come along?) There are tons of Marcus/Neroon stories here, including this passage:

The feel of Neroon's warm lips caressing his caused Marcus to whimper, feeling the love that Neroon held for him.

"This is our first time together, Marcus. I would have it a memorable and pleasurable experience for you, my beloved."

Marcus bowed his head and then smiled shyly up at his husband. "I love you, Neroon and I will admit that I am nervous about tonight but I know that with you here beside me I can face anything. I want this, Neroon. I've waited all of my life for this moment. I love you, Neroon and I am ready for our first night together. One of which will be repeated for many years to come," Marcus said with a teasing smile as he leaned up and kissed his beloved.

Neroon growled low at the feel of his lover's lips against his as he took Marcus into his arms. Slowly he began to kiss his way down Marcus' neck causing Marcus to moan in pleasure at the feel of Neroon's lips across his skin. Slowly Neroon's hands removed the silk robe from Marcus' shoulders.

More here. And here.

Molly Millions (from Neuromancer):

Okay, so there are only a couple of stories about the heroine from William Gibson's Neuromancer, including a steamy hookup with 3Jane. But we want more! Someone write some, and send us the link.

Obi-Wan Kenobi (from Star Wars):

He may be kind of a dick, but at least the Jedi master is generous in bed. Around the time Phantom Menace came out, there was a craze for Obi-Wan/Darth Maul slash, showcasing how the Jedi and the Sith Lord could have worked out their antagonism. Here they are, dancing around together and trading longing glances:



But he's also hooked up with his teacher, Qui-Gon, his grown-up student, Anakin, and pretty much anyone else who comes by the Jedi temple.

Ford Prefect (from the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy):

Ford Prefect shows Arthur Dent the wonders of the universe, but what else does he show him? And why exactly was Ford so eager to take Arthur with him when he fled the doomed Earth? Story synopses include "The Earth blows up, the boys get it on." Or: "Aliens force Ford and Arthur to have sex." Find out more here. And here. Ooh, and here. Oh, and if you're dying for pregnant Arthur Dent, try here.

Susan Calvin (from Asimov's Robot series):

There are only a few slash fic stories featuring Asimov's misanthropic heroine that I could find, but they come highly recommended.

Rodney McKay (from Stargate Atlantis):

Our favorite silly nerd character from Stargate has been keeping busy in the slash fiction world. Apparently there's a whole shipper community called McShep, for McKay and Sheppard. One story has the intriguing synopsis, "John and Rodney must refrain from having sex for twelve hours." In another story, "John gets caught with his hand in the Rodney jar." Oh my! More here. And here. And here. Ooh, and here's a video:

Aeryn Sun (from Farscape):

She may have had a tumultuous relationship with John Crichton on the TV series, but in the world of slash fic, she's gotten together with Zhaan, Chiana and a host of others. A typical passage:

Aeryn pressed her fingers over the nipples and began to manipulate them lightly, using the friction of the cloth to give Zhaan added pleasure. Letting go of the sensitive peaks, she slid her hands up over them. Zhaan's nipples traced circular patterns over Aeryn's palms. I'm going to make you mumble too, she thought, I won't be alone in that.

Zhaan arched her back, pushing her breasts into Aeryn's hands. Aeryn let go and pressed her own breasts into Zhaan's, pulling the priestess over for another deep kiss. As they slid together into the motions of the kiss, their tongues languidly caressing, their bodies moved closer, breast against breast, belly to belly, sex to sex.

The priestess nudged Aeryn back against the wall, still continuing to kiss her. Aeryn was melting—she was sure of it—the cold wall against her back, the warm woman in front, and every part in between aching for Zhaan's touch. Her hands stroked Zhaan's back, then moved lower, cupping her ass.

Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen:

Here's our first look at a new Autobot, Sideswipe, in robot and car mode. And, as people mentioned on Friday, fans have lightened the image of the Fallen in the new poster, so you can get a much better look at him. [TF08 and Transformers Live]

Land Of The Lost:

This movie's Sleestaks may be entirely people in the traditional rubber suits, but the dinosaurs will be CG and will look like the dinos in Jurassic Park, says actor Danny McBride. And here's a pic you may not have seen. [Sci Fi Wire]

Dragonball Evolution:

ComicBook Movie got hold of a few pages of storyboard from the movie, and posted a few snippets, featuring Lord Piccolo placing the seven Dragonballs, leading to the rise of the Dragon Temple and Shenron. More pics at the link. [Comic Book Movie]

And here's a new pic of a volcano from the movie's set. [Bad Taste]

Battlestar Galactica:

Rekha "Tory" Sharma hints that we should still be wondering about the fallout from Tory killing Cally, and what might happen if other people find out what she did. [LA Times]

A lot of characters will die in the last batch of episodes, says Jamie "Apollo" Bamber. And there will be upheaval in the fleet. More specifically, as the next episode starts, Lee is still acting president of the colonies, even though Roslin is back. Lee has to "revert slightly" and defer to Laura, but since she's ill, he's still in a key leadership position within the fleet. And it sounds like Lee doesn't get to sleep with any Cylons in the final episodes. [NY Times]

And here's a new British trailer with mostly footage you've seen before. [Battlestar Blog]

And here's a new teaser:

Doctor Who:

The new Doctor Who Magazine is out. Not much new stuff, except that "Planet Of The Dead" will reveal the identity of the mysterious Christina. Super-director Graeme Harper will be back for episode 4x16, and episode 4x18 is (of course) David Tennant's last outing. [Doctor Who Magazine via SpoilerTV]

Torchwood:

The villains of the new miniseries, "Children Of Earth," are called the 456. (Pronounced four-five-six.) Nicholas Briggs plays Mr. Frobisher. (Please let him be a shapeshifting penguin. I'll never ask for anything again!) Plus Nicholas Farrell as Brian Green, Katy Wix as Rhiannon, Rhodri Lewis as Johnny, Ian Gelder as Mr. Dekker, Charles Abomeli as Colonel Oduya, and Hilary Maclean as Anna. [Doctor Who Magazine via SpoilerTV]

Lost:

Remember that pic of Sawyer and Juliet being menaced by soldiers we mentioned? Here it is. [EW]

Speaking of which, apparently this is "the year of Sawyer," and he'll play a much larger role than in previous seasons. And the "dreaded" love quadrangle of Jack, Kate, Sawyer and Juliet will get more screen time. [The ODI]

Here's the official description for episode 5x03, "Jughead." Sounds like Desmond and Faraday are meeting up somehow — maybe via Desmond's visit to Oxford?

Desmond looks for a woman who might be the key to helping Faraday stop the island's unpredictable movements through time; Locke finds out who has been attacking the survivors

[The ODI]

Also, episode 5x11 is called "Whatever Happened, Happened," and it includes Young Ben. Also, one main character shoots another main character, who's seriously injured. [SpoilersLost]

And US Weekly says the Oceanic Six's struggle to return to the island "is not a season-long quest" (thank goodness), but there are "complications." Also, Jack and Kate start picking up the pieces, but Kate still pines for Sawyer — but Sawyer "can only wait so long." [US Weekly via Lyly Ford.]

Finally, some person on a message board claims to have seen the first two episodes, and he/she says Jack says Sayid's life after he's shot, and Desmond goes to find Faraday at Oxford because Faraday told him to in another timeline. And Faraday works for Marvin Candle. Grain of salt is indicated, of course. [SpoilerTV]

Stargate Universe:

A new casting call includes a few new details about this show. A team manages to dial the "ninth chevron" and travels to a ship called the Destiny, which the Ancients built at the height of their power. But once aboard the Destiny, the crew realizes it can never return to Earth.

And apparently, the first two episodes will feature a character named Senator Walker, who's exercising political oversight over this whole "ninth chevron" business. He's also the loving father of Chloe Walker, his political aide. And then there's Camille Wray, an accountant with the international oversight body in charge of the Stargate. Since she's the highest ranking member of that organization aboard the ship, she has an exaggerated sense of her own importance, and an unfortunate way of asserting it. [SpoilerTV]

Dollhouse:

Joss Whedon clowns around on set. Minor spoiler, in that he refers to Eliza seeing "the thing" and then doing a sexy confident walk. [SpoilerTV]

Reaper:

Tyler Labine updated his Facebook page and said season two has wrapped filming, and it includes some of the funniest things he's put on film in his career. And the new season is so great, the show is in slightly less danger of being canceled than it was before. [SpoilerTV]

Smallville:

Here's the official description for episode 8x13, "Power":

Clark (Tom Welling) finds Tess (Cassidy Freeman) in Lana’s (Kristin Kreuk) ransacked apartment and realizes Lana is missing. Tess tells him Lex is still alive and may have kidnapped Lana and finally reveals the truth about what happened to Lana after she awoke from her Brainiac-induced coma. Meanwhile, Tess breaks into a secret LuthorCorp facility and is shocked at what she discovers.

[KryptonSite]

Life On Mars:

Is it so wrong that I'm actually excited for this show to come back? Maybe I'm actually mad, or in a coma, but this promo is sort of promising.

Fringe:

An upcoming episode, probably 1x14, will be called "Ability." [Fringe Television]

Kyle XY:

Some more details about upcoming episodes. I'm not liking this Nicole-car-accident subplot.

3.04, "In the Company of Men": Declan and Josh take Kyle to an underage bar to help him get over his breakup with Amanda.

3.05, "Life Support":
Kyle helps a pregnant teenage girl and an injured Nicole following a road accident.

3.06, "Welcome to Latnok" Kyle begins to repay his debt to Latnok; Nicole and Stephen face huge medical bills following the accident.

3.07, "Chemistry 101": The teens re-examine their complicated relationships.

[SpoilerTV]

Heroes:

Ali Larter gets bloody and dirty in upcoming episodes, and it sounds like she survives until at least episode 3x19. And episode 3x21 is called "Into Asylum." [Heroes Spoilers]

Transformers Animated:

The producers hinted that someone may die in season three, which airs soon. [TFW2005]

Star Trek:

The J.J. Abrams-helmed Trek reboot will have all the gadgets you'd expect, including communicators, tricorders, warp speed, etc. It sounds like Uhura will still have the little earpiece in her ear, and all of the gadgets will be functional, with well-thought-out user interfaces. [MTV Movies]

Highlander:

UGO gathered some reports on the Highlander remake. Among the news: the film will be more "romantic" and include a subplot about Connor MacLeod falling in love with a mortal woman, and dealing with the fact that she's going to die. And it'll flesh out more of the backstory of the original film. [UGO]

City Of Ember:

Here are some new stills from October's subterranean dystopia film, which looks ridiculously exciting. [Movie Spoilers]

Dragonball:

The Dragonball movie features a character named Emi, who was invented just for the movie. And actor Shavon Kirksey says Emi is the queen of the social scene at her high school, along with best friend ChiChi. They're the "it girls." They only hang out with cool popular kids and jocks, but Emi is secretly smarter than she lets on. [DBtheMovie]

Descent 2:

The Crawlers are more scarred up and "bullish" with more deformities in the second Descent film. And there's a King Crawler, who's giant and scary. [Shocktillyoudrop]

Lost:

Lost has been filming some scenes involving Locke and Richard Alpert. In one scene, Locke and Alpert run across the island, to a rock formation with a square in it, which featured in a previous season. Alpert retrieves a device from somewhere and uses it, along with the rock formation, to find out what year it is. And then Locke and Alpert are being chased by men with guns. In another sequence, Locke is trying to climb a banyan tree, and he's shot in the thigh. These scenes were shot near the crashed Cessna plane we mentioned. [Sawyer840]

Heroes:

And here's a longer version of the promo you've seen a million times before. It includes a few new snippets, including Linderman murmuring about God's plan, and Claire's mom creating a ball of flame. [Heroes Spoilers]

And here's a quick snippet of behind-the-scenes footage of Peter confronting Sylar in his Company cell. [E! Online]

And here are some new posters, which have a common theme of shooting stars or something. (The Hiro poster was snapped by PreppiesOfTheApocalypse, who's been risking a bloody traffic death to take pics of the Heroes posters in L.A.) [PreppiesOfTheApocalypse and Heroes Spoilers and Watching Heroes and MySpace]

Sarah Jane Adventures:

Here's a new behind-the-scenes video and a trailer for the Sarah Jane Adventures season two, plus a new promo image. [Blogtor Who]

Fringe:

How obsessed with J.J. Abrams' Fringe are you? Obsessed enough to watch some "B-roll" of behind the scenes footage from the filming? (B-roll is usually the stuff news programs and featurettes run while someone is talking.) How about watching interviews with the show's cast and producers, where they talk about their creative process? (B-roll is below. Interviews are here.) [Fringe Television]

If you saw a whole bunch of gorgeous Fringe posters, would that make you more obsessed? Actual spoilers you can learn about Fringe from these posters: there are lots of equations, and funny symbols. Someone writes in French. There's an apple with babies inside. Anna Torv's hair is full of math! [Fringe Television again]

Sarah Connor Chronicles:

Some new stills from the second episode of the Terminator spinoff's new season reveal a few spoilers. Summer Glau's Terminator is obviously back on the team by the second episode, and she helps Sarah and Derek break into a power plant. And meanwhile, John has a new friend, who builds him a scary robot. Aww. [SpoilerTV]

Smallville:

Lana's reentry into Clark's life will cause some "heartache" for Lois, says actor Erica Durance. And it'll start the "whole triangle going again" in a way that's hard for her. [TV Guide]

Also, you may have your doubts about the apparently human Doomsday, but it turns out Smallville is going somewhere awesome with it, according to comics writer Geoff Johns, who's writing episode 11. Episode 10 will be a hard act to follow, full of twists and turns. And ep. 11, which introduces a faithful version of the Legion of Superheroes, also includes a classic Legion villain. [ComicBloc]

And here are some new stills from the first two episodes of the season. What is up with those weird jaggedy lines around Black Canary's eye-smudges? Also, is a threat to Metropolis' public transit system a major plot twist? [SpoilerTV-Smallville]

Chuck:

And here are a couple new Chuck teasers:

Star Wars: Clone Wars:

The one-hour premiere of Clone Wars, on Oct. 3, includes two episodes. "Ambush" is the one we mentioned about Yoda going to Toydaria, the fifth planet of the Action Figure system. And then "Rising Malevolence" is about a mysterious Separatist weapon that devastates the clones' fleet. Anakin and Ahsoka rush to save Master Plo Koon and his troopers before it's too late. Plo Kool! [Sci Fi Wire]

Next Avengers:

The direct-to-DVD animated movie is pretty faithful to the Marvel universe, except for a few details. Like, it says Tony Stark created the android Ultron, instead of Hank Pym. [UGO]

Transformers Animated:

There are some spoilers for the 30th episode of the animated Transformers spin-off, and for some reason they take the form of a poem:

Transformers Animated Season 3 rumor
Episode 30
Galvatron Team VS. Rodimus Prime Team
Galvatron very G1 looking ,transform into a jet
Rodimus Prime,Flame chest and pipes arms
Starscream and Megatron found some OmegaSupreme wreckages….
HotShot in Rodimus Prime Team
Female medic in Rodimus Prime Team
Some toad monster thing in Galvatron Team
no pics.

[Transformers Toys]

Additional reporting by Lauren Davis.

Battlestar Galactica:

Some new details about the BSG TV movie, to be directed by Edward James Olmos and written by Jane Espenson, have emerged. As we suspected from the cast list so far, it's very cylon-centric. It deals with the attempts of the cylons, and two cylon agents in particular, to grapple with the remnants of humanity right after the cylon genicide. It takes place partly on Caprica and other planets, and partly in the fleet. [L.A. Times]

Knowing:

Knowing, the movie where Nicholas Cage finds a time capsule from 1958 that predicts everything that's happened for the past 50 years — up until the apocalypse next week — is about deep philosophical questions, says director Alex Proyas (Dark City). It's about the power of knowledge, and the responsibility that comes with hit. And the movie deliberately has a small cast, because it focuses on the relationship between Cage's character and his son, who actually finds the capsule. Also, Cage's character has lost his faith in the workings of the universe, and rediscovers his faith in the course of the movie. [Sci Fi Wire]

Sarah Connor Chronicles:

Some casting side pages for the Terminator TV show have leaked out, but some fans believe they're fake. My guess? They're real casting sides, but they don't look like actual pages from the show's script. (You can tell when casting sides are actual script pages, because the pages have the tail ends of other scenes, and stuff crossed out and scribbled on them.)

But assuming they're real casting sides for new characters in the show, the seventh episode will introduce a screwed up family in an Alpine cabin. David is a banker who's gotten involved in an illegal deal to help a tech company, Teledyne, buy another company and cover up its debts. Sarah tracks him down and asks him about it, while Terminators fight outside. Meanwhile, David's wife Anne is disappointed with her married life, and is a bit of a slut. And their daughter Laurel is a brat who uses David's computer to look at lesbian porn. (Again, these may be scenes written to try out actors, not necessarily exactly what the characters will be like in the show.) [Spoiler TV]

Sarah Jane Adventures:

Remember that two-parter we mentioned, where Sarah Jane travels back to the 1950s and meets herself as a baby, plus her parents who died when she was too young to remember? Well, here are some set pics that have just turned up. And sadly, I have to say Rose's 1950s outfit was cooler than Sarah Jane's. More pics at the link. [Cassandra O'Brian]

Fringe:

Here's a new trailer for Fringe, J.J. Abrams' new mad-science-conspiracy show, plus a viral video about "The Pattern" and sheep acting weird and the gummint and stuff.

Smallville:

Clark won't be teaming up with Jimmy for any journalism-ish stuff any time soon, but he will be doing lots of investigative journalism with Lois. [TV Guide]

Lost:

Jack and Juliet will be reunited — perhaps as soon as this coming season, sources say. And meanwhile, Juliet will play an important role in season five. [TV Guide again]

True Blood:

Here are a couple of new trailers for HBO's new series about vampires and synthetic blood.

The Middleman:

Tyler is around as Wendy's boyfriend for a while. Meanwhile, we won't witness any hanky-panky between the Middleman and Wendy's roommate Lacey "just yet," but their romantic paths will cross again soon, with an unexpected twist. [TV Guide again]

Eureka:

Nathan will be moving more towards the good side and becoming less of a divisive figure in Eureka season three, just as other people dabble with the dark side. Nathan will become more a part of Allison's life and the scientific community in general. [Media Blvd]

Spectacular Spider-Man:

Here's a first peek at the cartoon versions of Mysterio and Kraven The Hunter from the Spectacular Spider-Man animated series. [IGN]

Transformers: Animated:

A new toy gives the first glimpse of the "jet mode" of the voyager class Skywarp in Transformers: Animated. [TFormers]

I'm trying a slightly different format here. Instead of doing it by days of the week, I'm grouping things into categories. The highlights of this week's TV are:

Hulk-mania. Your screen will be green this week, as television hypes this weekend's release of The Incredible Hulk with all its might. The Sci Fi Channel is showing marathons of the Hulk TV show all day, every day, this week (including right now.) And an exclusive three-minute Hulk clip (featuring Banner's transformation) will air during Sci Fi's new Ghost Hunters episode on Wednesday at 9. (Just how badly do you want to see a Hulk clip? In any case, I have a feeling it'll turn up on various blogs, including this one, pretty quickly.) Just to top things off, Sci Fi is showing Ang Lee's Hulk movie on Thursday at 9, just to get the mutant poodle cravings out of your system before you see the new poodle-free movie.

There's more! HBO has a "First Look" special about the Hulk on Wednesday evening at 9:30. Also, Hulk star Liv Tyler is on Jimmy Kimmel's Game Night primetime special on Thursday and Regis And Kelly on Friday. And Tim Roth is on the regular Jimmy Kimmel late night show Thursday night. (I sort of vaguely remember this movie had a male lead, but I can't remember his name. And anyway, he's not doing any appearances.)

Other movie promo. HBO has a "First Look" at Get Smart tonight at 8:30. And the stars of M. Night Shyamalan's doomed R-rated disaster movie The Happening are promoting it as hard as they can: Marky Mark is on Letterman tomorrow night, Regis and Kelly Wednesday daytime and Conan O'Brien Wednesday night. And Zooey Deschanel is on Letterman Wednesday.

Battlestar's season finale. I'm just putting it out there: Friday night's Battlestar Galactica is a season finale, since the second "half" of the season won't see the light of day until 2009 by all accounts. At least the finale has the promising title of "Revelations," and unless the promo is totally deceptive (like last week's promo) we actually see the four secret cylons "come out" about their status. But here, you can watch and judge for yourself. And then tune in on Sci Fi at 10 on Friday.

Doctor Who and the labors of Hercule. This week's Doctor Who (Friday on Sci Fi at 9) is the one where he meets Agatha Christie. It's quite similar, in a way, to the ones where he meets Charles Dickens and William Shakespeare. But that doesn't make it any less entertaining, and there are some nice treats, including a weird moment with a clergyman. Here's our recap of the episode, and here's a chunk of the episode itself:

More universe-hopping fun. And before Doctor Who and BSG, Sci Fi has the second episode of South African/Canadian universe-hopping show Charlie Jade at 8 PM. Charlie starts to realize he's not in his real universe when he comes to Cape Town instead of Cape City. And his apartment is derelict and trashed. Meanwhile, the evil Corporation chooses an agent to be their emissary to the other universes.

Awesome cartoons. Saturday at 10 AM is the season finale of Spectacular Spider-Man on The CW. "Nature Vs. Nurture" deals with the running black costume/Venom storyline. Eddie Brock has finally merged with the symbiote and only has one goal in mind — to destroy Spider-Man. Also at 10 AM Saturday, there's a new Ben 10: Alien Force on the Cartoon Network: "Cash and JT steal a gauntlet from Kevin's car and decide to use it against Ben, but an evil spirit within the glove possesses Cash instead."

And at 10:30 AM Saturday on Cartoon Network, there's a new Transformers: Animated, "Autoboot Camp." Bumblebee reminisces about his days in Autobot Academy (will there be hazing? Please tell me there's hazing!) and an Autobot cadet he met named Wasp. Bumblebee learns Wasp has been sprung from prison and decides to track him down. And here's most of the episode already, presumably from its early airing overseas.
Meanwhile, am I the only person who didn't know "Weird" Al Yankovic was doing voice work for this show?

Adult swim. More awesome cartoons air Sunday night as part of Cartoon Network's "Adult Swim" block. There's a new Venture Bros. at 11:30 PM, called "The Invisible Hand of Fate" — but I couldn't find an episode description anywhere. What do they have to hide?? Also, there's a new Metalocalypse at midnight, called "Dethrace." And here's the synopsis:

Murderface plans a racing event with support from Nathan and Pickles. Meanwhile, Skwisgaar and Toki try to get licenses.

Strain yourself again. In case you missed out on the awesomeness (well, it was sorta pretty) of A&E's remake of The Andromeda Strain, it's showing during the day on Friday, at 9 AM and 2 PM. It's got Bucky balls, and Benjamin Bratt, and mopey boys on mopeds. And Will from Will and Grace running through a biohazard zone getting shot at, and somehow not dying.

Superhero movies. In case you want to channel your inner superhero-hating Nashawaty, FX is showing a bunch of recent superhero movies. On Monday, it's X2: X-Men United and Fantastic Four, on Tuesday it's Fantastic Four and Batman Begins, and on Wednesday it's Batman Begins and Hellboy.

Random other movies. Here are some of the movies on TV this week: AMC is showing WarGames today, starting at 5 PM. On Tuesday morning at 3:15, TCM is showing the awesomely titled Don't Worry, We'll Think Of A Title, a 1966 movie about a bumbling incompetent who gets mistaken for a defecting Russian cosmonaut. I'm sold. On Wednesday at 10, AMC has Species, about Gandhi facing off with a sex-hungry alien hybrid. Sci Fi is showing The Thing on Thursday at 7, which overlaps with USA's 8:30 showing of Raiders Of The Lost Ark (in case you want to remember when Indy and Marion had chemistry). And on Friday morning at 3 AM, Sci Fi is showing Momentum, about government agents chasing telekinetics. Also on Friday, at 8 PM, AMC has Escape From New York, and USA has Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom at 8:30 PM. On Saturday, Sci Fi is showing disaster movies, with titles like Tornado Terror, all day.

Inspiring documentary. On Sunday night, The Discovery Channel has another four hours of its mega-documentary When We Left Earth, which cover everything from the Apollo 1 disaster to Skylab to the moon landing. It starts at 9 PM and goes on until 1 AM. Here's a trailer:

Scary documentaries. There's a new Mega Disasters, all about "Volcanic Winter," on the History Channel on Tuesday at 9. Could a super-volcano cover us in so much ash we'd be stuck in a deadly ice age? (And History has reruns of The Universe and UFO Files tonight.) And there's a new MonsterQuest, about ghosts, on Wednesday night at 9. If that's not daring and inquiring enough for you, the Discovery Channel has a new documentary on Wednesday called simply, Mars: Alive? (As in, is the whole planet actually sentient, and out to get us? One can only hope.) Actually, I think it's about the Phoenix lander.

It's no coincidence that Prince's cousin started using heroin in the month of June, because there's just nothing on television. It was probably even worse back in 1987, before we had the Sci Fi Channel.

Monday:

The Sci Fi Channel has started showing Star Trek: The Next Generation on Monday nights, with four episodes in a row focusing on the bland life and tragic death of Tasha Yar: "The Naked Now," "The Big Goodbye," "Arsenal Of Freedom" and "Skin Of Evil."

Tuesday:

There are two episodes of Mega Disasters on the History Channel at 8 PM Tuesday night — a rerun about a possible asteroid impact on the Earth, and a new episode about a "Comet Storm." Basically if you want to spend two hours feeling total panic about stellar objects smashing into your backyard and giving us the dinosaur treatment, then it's a date. (With no president Morgan Freeman or oil-rigging Bruce Willis to distract you.)

Wednesday:

There's a new MonsterQuest on Wednesday at 9 on the History Channel. "Vampire Beast" tracks down the truth about a beast that could be more than human. Or not. Here's the description:

In the fall of 2007, residents of Bolivia, North Carolina started losing pets and farm animals to an unknown creature. Is it the same mystery predator with a taste for blood that preyed on goats and dogs in Bolivia more than 50 years ago?

The Day After Tomorrow also airs on Wednesday at 5:30 on FX.

Also, John Cho is on Last Call With Carson Daly. Will he let slip some Star Trek spoilers?

Thursday:

I'm sorry. I'm so terribly sorry. There is a Smallville rerun in which Clark's super-cousin Kara tries out for a beauty pageant, if that helps. I know, not really.

Friday:

Sci Fi Channel has the U.S. premiere of Charlie Jade, a Canadian/South African show about a detective who sees alternate universes, at 8 PM Friday. I haven't yet seen any episodes, but this site says it's very very noir, with a strong Blade Runner/Frank Miller element going on. In a nutshell, a detective named Charlie Jade (my almost-namesake) discovers that there are three different Earths: the corporate-dominated dystopia he lives on, a perfect unspoiled paradise, and "our" world. The corporate-dominated world wants to ravage the unspoiled one, and ours just gets caught in the crossfire.

And then at 9 PM, Sci Fi is showing another new (to Americans) episode of Doctor Who, "The Doctor's Daughter." Humans are stuck in an endless war against bubbly fish people, and the Doctor has a daughter. (It's not a spoiler if it's the title of the episode. I think.) It's a fun episode, but ultimately falls a bit short because it's trying to juggle too many ideas. Our recap is here. Here's a piece of the episode:

And then at 10 PM, there's a new Battlestar Galactica: "The Hub." If the spoilers we ran for this episode a while back turn out to be true, this could be a pretty explosive one that changes everything forever. In any case, we find out what happened to Roslin, and Xena is back.

Saturday:

Saturday at 10, there's a new Spectacular Spider-Man on The CW. It's called "Intervention," and it deals with the Venom symbiote, which is trying to take over Spidey. Meanwhile, Aunt May is in the hospital, and Pete's friendship with Eddie is ruined.

At exactly the same time, on the Cartoon Network, there's a new Ben 10: Alien Force, "What Are Little Girls Made Of?" Ben and Gwen discover that their grandmother is an alien. And Gwen has to make a tough decision. And at 10:30 on Cartoon, the new Transformers: Animated has an awesome title: "S.U.V.: Society Of Ultimate Villainy," which we posted spoilers from before. Here is a clip, from its earlier airing in Dubai:

Saturday night, Sci Fi has two different original TV movies: Dog Soldiers and Bloodsuckers.

Sunday:

The Discovery Channel has the first two episodes (four hours worth) of When We Left The Earth: The NASA Missions. It's a bizarre history of NASA's first 50 years, featuring new footage in HD quality. Witness the first ever spacewalk, and the hair-raising challenges of converting an intercontinental ballistic missile into a vessel capable of carrying humans up into space.

Also, the Cartoon Network has new episodes of Venture Bros. and Metalocalypse at 11:30 and midnight, as part of its "Adult Swim" lineup. The Venture Bros. episode, "The Doctor Is Sin," shows what happens when a deal with General Manhowers falls through. Dr. Venture may have to sell the Venture Compound — unless he can turn it into a super-efficient science machine. And then the Metapocalypse episode, "Dethgov," is about Nathan Explosion serving a temporary term as governor of Florida. (Thanks Lampbane!)

Moon:

Remember Moon, the movie directed by David Bowie's son Duncan Jones, and starring Sam Rockwell (Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind)? Now that it's in post-production, a few more details have leaked out. The reason Rockwell is stranded alone on the Moon for three years: he's mining a gas that Earth needs to solve its energy crisis. And while he's stuck up there, he has an encounter that will change the course of human history. Even though Rockwell is alone on the Moon, he has costars in the movie: Matt Berry (The IT Crowd) and Kaya Scodelario (Skins). Are they playing aliens he meets, or other people who turn up? Or the people waiting for him back on Earth? [Slice Of Scifi]

The Dark Knight:

In the new Batman movie, part of what drives Harvey Dent over the edge into becoming Two-Face is that his fiancee is killed. This is presumably Rachel Dawes (Maggie Gyllenhaal). This will also give Batman something else to angst over, since she's his old flame and his "hope for a normal life." [Comic By Comic]

Battlestar Galactica:

Someone posted a ton of spoilers for episode 9 of Battlestar Galactica season four, "The Hub," which airs June 6. Roslin and Baltar are in the hands of the rebel Cylons (the Leobens, the Sharons, the Sixes) who are planning an attack on the "Resurrection Hub," without which no Cylon can resurrect anywhere, even with a resurrection ship. The humans have an uneasy alliance with these rebel Cylons. And some human pilots help with the attack, including Helo, Seelix and "Gonzo" Pike. The humans also decide to help the rebels to retrieve D'Anna (Lucy Lawless) so they can learn the identity of the Final Five within the fleet. D'Anna is un-boxed and immediately starts being manipulative and playing mind games again. The battle to destroy the Hub is "insane."

Helo feels very threatened when he realizes that when "his" Sharon died and was resurrected over the algae planet, her memories became available to all the other Sharons.

Baltar does the one thing that could surprise me at this point: he confesses his role in the destruction of humanity to Roslin — leaving her with a tough moral quandary. We see Roslin's death in a flash-forward, and the "L-word" is finally spoken between her and Adama. Elosha puts in an appearance as Roslin's spiritual adviser. [Battlestar Blog]

Star Wars: Clone Wars:

Here's our first look at Asajj Ventress, one of the main villains of the Star Wars: Clone Wars movie (coming this August) and TV show (coming this fall). As with previous versions, she's bald and venomous-looking. [USA Today]

And more story details about the movie have come out. Jabba the Hutt's son has been kidnapped, and the Jedi agree to rescue him in exchange for access to shipping routes, but this may be a plot to divert the Jedi to the remote planet of Teth. Anakin, his student Ahsoka, and a Clone squadron, travel to the B'omarr monastery on Teth to find Hutt Jr., but they find themselves surrounded by General Grievous' battle droids and hunted by Asajj Ventress. R2D2 helps them find a way out, and Obi-Wan brings much-needed reinforcements. [Jedi News]

Lost:

Lost's Sonya Walger (Penny) was spotted in Hawaii. Does that mean Penny's coming to the island? Or just that she's going to appear in an upcoming episode? Also, there are hints another one of our "favorite castaways" will die in an upcoming episode. [Spoilers Lost]

Smallville:

Here are some pics from the Smallville season finale, where Lex finally gets into the Fortress of Solitude. [The TV Addict]

And this week's episode, "Quest," follows Lex to Zurich, where he keeps trying to learn about the "Veritas" mythology. Lex gets attacked by a monastic-robed stranger with Kryptonian symbols carved into his chest, which seem to be a message for Clark. Meanwhile, Jimmy takes an interest in the symbols carved in the Kawatche caves, and Clark thinks about their symbolism. Clark and Chloe team up to investigate and learn that a member of the Veritas clan has survived and is hiding out in a church. Clark and Lex race to be the first to find this Veritas member, who holds the key to Clark's survival. [Buddy TV]

Doctor Who:

Here's a possibly spurious summary of the last two episodes of the current Doctor Who season. Former Prime Minister Harriet Jones is consumed with hatred for the Doctor, especially after she finds out her successor as prime minster was a member of the Doctor's own species. She managed to get aboard the Valiant and witnessed the entire year of Harold Saxon's reign of terror which "never happened." It was Harriet who stole the Master's ring from his funeral pyre, and uses it to help an army of Daleks, led by Davros, to escape from beyond reality.

This causes Rose's alternate universe to unravel. As head of her universe's Torchwood London, Rose knows what's going on, but doesn't know how to stop it. She desperately tries to reach the Doctor. Meanwhile, Donna has read her own life story in that future library (the one from the Steven Moffat two-parter) and knows she'll be killed by the Racnoss, the spider-creature that ruined her wedding day.

Donna is left alone inside the TARDIS, hurtling out of control, and doesn't know what to do. Then Rose appears on the screen, having managed to get a signal through a fracture in reality — after the Doctor has already completely vanished from our universe. Donna and Rose try to use the TARDIS to bring the Doctor back. They keep colliding with alternate realities, including their own lives if they'd never met the Doctor. Finally, they manage to bring the Doctor back. He's confronted Davros and Harriet, who's now the Red Dalek.

Realities collide, bringing Jackie and Mickey back to our universe. And then the Daleks kill Donna's mother and grandfather. And then Donna is controlled by the insect on her back, by means of a Racnoss Empress from an alternate reality, which came to our universe through the hole the Daleks have made. The alternate Empress joins forces with Davros and Harriet. The only way to stop Donna's evil back-spider is to kill Donna, which the Doctor refuses to do. Meanwhile, all the universes are threatening to collide, destroying everything. The Doctor reaches the Medusa Cascade, but the only way to close the rift again is to sacrifice a human life. The Doctor falters, unable to sacrifice anyone. But then Donna chooses to sacrifice her own life to save everything.

But after Donna is gone, the Doctor decides to break his most sacred rule for her, and goes back in time 24 hours to change his own past, so the Daleks and Harriet can be stopped without sacrificing Donna's life. Then Captain Jack erases Donna's memory so she has no clue what's happened and won't try to find the Doctor again. She won't remember him at all. This restores everything to the point it was before, with Rose, Mickey and Jackie once again sealed in their alternate universe. [Planet Gallifrey]

Transformers: Animated:

Here are some screencaps from an upcoming episode of Transformers: Animated called "SUV: Society For Ultimate Villainy," which already aired in the Middle East but won't air in the U.S. until June or later. It features a Decepticon called Swindle, and a villain who fires a time-freezing blast, using a pocket watch. The "clockwoman" teams up with Nano and the Angry Archer to build a time-control machine for Swindle. [TFW2005]

Spectacular Spider-Man:

And meanwhile, Spectacular Spider-Man is unaccountably airing its Halloween episode this Saturday. Here's the blurb:

"The Uncertainty Principle"... presents a number of perplexing situations for Peter Parker and Spider-Man as they both try to find clarity amid the masks, mysteries and menace of Halloween. While Colonel John Jameson struggles to land his damaged space shuttle, Spider-Man continues his ongoing battle with Green Goblin, who also threatens Hammerhead and Tombstone. Still, Peter's greatest challenge will be facing the awful truth when he finally learns the Goblin's "true" identity.

Tonight

The special two-hour Star Wars episode of Deal Or No Deal airs at 8 PM. According to the official Star Wars blog, it features models dressed in the famous Leia slave-girl outfit from Return Of The Jedi, plus Carrie Fisher herself in the audience. Chewbacca and R2D2 are there to provide moral support to the two Star Wars fans competing for money. Oh, and Darth Vader takes place of the "villainous banker." (Why is the banker villanous? Is this some kind of Bear Sterns reference?)

Tonight's Letterman features Gwyneth Paltrow promoting Iron Man. Expect pithy quotes about how her Pepper Potts is a new type of comic-book-movie heroine. And tomorrow night, Robert Downie Jr. is on Letterman promoting possibly the same movie.

And early Tuesday morning, TMC has Aeon Flux at 1 AM and Encore has the original Robocop at 2:30 AM.

Tuesday

On the History Channel at 9 PM, The Universe gives major spoilers, with an episode that reveals "the future of the universe." Who lives? (Nobody.) Who dies? (Everybody.) Here's the blurb:

The Universe as we know it is condemned to death. Space, matter and even time will one day cease to exist and there's nothing we can do about it. Harsh realities are revealed about the future of our Universe; it may collapse and burn or it might be gripped by a galactic ice age. Either of these scenarios might be a long way off. However, our Universe could suddenly be destroyed by a "random quantum fluctuation", a bubble of destruction that can obliterate the entire cosmos in the blink of an eye. No matter how it ends, life in our Universe is doomed.

And on Wednesday morning at 2:00 AM, BET is showing Hood Rat, about a swarm of super-intelligent mutant rats that go around killing people in a housing project. It's sort of a remake of Willard, except that instead of training them, I think Isaiah Washington's character just sort of befriends them and they turn out to be super-rats. Ice-T is the comic relief in this film. And it features a scene where rats "come out of a toilet to devour a crackhead's anus." This either just got on your must-see, or your must-avoid list, depending on your taste in bizarre horror films.

Wednesday

This has nothing to do with science fiction, except tangentially, but the worst pain from last winter's writers' strike is yet to come. The proof comes in the form of a new reality TV series which premieres tonight on The CW, called Farmer Wants A Wife. It's about a farmer. Who wants a wife. Suddenly Flash Gordon is sounding really great right now.

Speaking of which, Sci Fi is showing another Flash Gordon marathon all day, allowing you to experience the greatness of croptops, hairgel, hawk people and castrating amazons if you missed it the first time.

Also, the History Channel brings us yet another new UFO Hunters at 10 PM, about a UFO sighting at a U.S. military base.

Thursday

Tonight's Smallville is the 150th episode, and it's directed by star Tom Welling. Clark visits an alternate reality, where Buffy never came to Sunnydale Clark never came to Smallville. In this alternate reality, as in all right-thinking universes, Lex is president of the United States. Here's a pretty great scene from the episode, which airs at 8 on The CW (sorry about the sound quality):

And then there's a new Lost at 10 PM on ABC. Jack's doing poorly, and hovers on the brink of nasty death. Meanwhile, Sawyer, Claire, Aaron and Miles try to make their way to the beach, but something goes horribly wrong. We featured two clips from the episode on Friday.

At 7 PM, Sci Fi is re-running Warbirds, its TV movie about pterodactyls in World War II.

You face an impossible choice on Friday morning at 3:00 am: AMC is showing the original Species, while Sci Fi is showing Decoys 2: Alien Seduction. I would advise watching (or taping) Decoys 2 instead of Species. Sure, Species features the super-hot Natasha Henstridge as a human-alien hybrid who's desperate to find someone to reproduce with. But Decoys 2 features a whole squad of alien women who transform themselves into college boys' naughtiest fantasies so they can seduce them and implant their alien eggs inside them. It's like Species mashed up with Alien mashed up with a weird teen sex comedy. We featured a clip from it a while back.

Friday

At 7 PM, NickToons is premiering a 90-minute "TV movie" of Speed Racer: The Next Generation. It's basically the first three episodes of this cartoon series mashed up together. The movie is also getting a DVD release on Tuesday, May 6. In this new series, the son of Speed Racer studies to become a race-car champion and rebuilds the Mach-5. Racer X is the new Speed Racer's brother, and his uncle is the school's headmaster. Oh, and Chim Chim is a robot monkey. The TV movie is written by Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti, who wrote the fluffy but fun Heroes For Hire comic among others. Here's a clip:

At 8 PM, Sci Fi has two episodes of Doctor Who's kid-friendly spin-off The Sarah Jane Adventures. She polishes off those evil nuns, and then squares off with an alien army that's recruiting teenage humans through a sort of laser-tag arcade. The second episode features my favorite Sarah Jane scene of all time, where she builds a weird energy-detector machine out of bits and pieces, wearing a badass welding mask. You go, Sarah Jane!

And then at 9, there's easily the best episode so far of the current Doctor Who season — the Doctor visits Pompeii right on the eve of its destruction by a volcano. His new companion Donna asks some tricky questions about where the Doctor draws the line on interfering with history, and the Doctor has to struggle with his answers a bit. Here's our recap, including a clip from the episode.

And at 10, there's another new Battlestar Galactica. "A possible truce with rebel Cylons leads Starbuck to put her trust in an old enemy." It looks like Starbuck and Leoben are reunited, and it feels so fine. Here's the trailer:

Sci Fi is showing episodes of Stargate SG-1 all day, in case you need to catch up.

Saturday

There are two episodes of Spectacular Spider-Man at 9:30, including one new episode at 10 AM: "Reaction" introduces Doctor Octopus to the cartoon universe, and also brings back the Green Goblin.

And also at 10 AM, the Cartoon Network has a new Ben 10: Alien Force. Ben and Gwen start to trust Kevin 11 — but then he steals the Rustbucket and tries to trade it for alien technology.

And then at 10:30 AM, the Cartoon Network has a new Transformers: Animated, called "Mission Accomplished." (Is this some kind of subtle dig at George Bush?) Here's the episode description: "Convinced there are no Decepticons left on Earth, the Elite Guard prepares to take Optimus Prime and his crew back to Cybertron — unaware of the increasing Decepticon activity taking place under their very noses." They're not called Decepticons for nothing.

And at 1 PM, The CW has Virus, featuring Jamie Lee Curtis and one of the Baldwins versus an alien disease.

Sunday

At 2 PM, TNT is showing The Tuxedo, which isn't in the top 100 Jackie Chan movies but does have a few great scenes, most notably the "pants-only mode" scene, when Jackie is only wearing the super-suit's pants — so only his legs are super-agile. It's not a bad thing to watch on a slow Sunday afternoon. Oh, and then there's this bit, where Jackie Chan knocks out James Brown and has to take his place, complete with a moment of weird ass-fetishism.

Sci Fi is showing horror movies all day, starting with Children Of The Corn at the churchgoing hour of 9 AM, and ending up with Final Destination 2 at 9 PM. I don't think any of those films are actually science fiction.

Oh, and at 8 PM, FX has the sort of scifi-ish Mr. And Mrs. Smith, while Spike is re-running Star Wars Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith. If you flip back and forth, you could mash them up into one totally awesome movie called Mr. And Mrs. Sith.