Additional reporting by Josh Snyder.

Gossamer (Looney Tunes)
Cute? Look at him. He's basically a hairy valentine in tennis shoes.
Terrifying? He tries hard, but he's ultimately no match for Bugs Bunny. Then again, no one is.

Giant Killer Rabbits (Night of the Lepus)
Cute? They're your average giant mutant bunny rabbits.
Terrifying? Actually, they just seem more adorable when they're gigantic and raiding people's kitchens. But I suppose that whole eating people business could be scary. Maybe.

Beep the Meep (Doctor Who)
Cute? Passably. It helps that he looks like giant puffball.
Terrifying? Absolutely. Meeps are a murderous species who revel in pain, torture, and galactic domination. And Beep is the worst of the worst and a notorious war criminal.

Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (Ghostbusters)
Cute? He's basically a giant version of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Plus, I've had a soft spot for him since the cartoon.
Terrifying? He nearly destroys New York with his deliciously sugary body.

Lenore, the Cute Little Dead Girl
Cute? It's right there in the name.
Terrifying? Not on purpose, but let's just say you should probably keep your pets (and yourself) clear of Lenore.

Hello Cthulhu
Cute? He might be an unspeakable horror, but he's a huggable one.
Terrifying? Honestly, he's no match for Hello Kitty.

Mogwai (Gremlins)
Cute? Sure, for now.
Terrifying? Just try feeding them after midnight and see if they're still they're still so cute.

Wolvogs (Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood)
Cute? These genetically engineered dog-wolf hybrids look like adorable domesticated puppies.
Terrifying? They may look like dog pups, but wolvogs hunt and kill as vicious wolves.

Beryllium Miners (Galaxy Quest)
Cute? They look like little children, at least until they open their mouths.
Terrifying? They look like they'd happily chow down on any of the Galaxy Quest cast members.

Were-Rabbit (Wallace & Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit)
Cute? Just about everything Nick Park designs is at least a little bit cute.
Terrifying? He's a strictly vegetarian monster.

Audrey II (Little Shop of Horrors)
Cute? Despite the teeth and the thirst for human blood, she is pretty cute when she's small.
Terrifying? Even forgetting the business about eating people and wanting to take over the world, Audrey II's most frightening aspect is her ability to convince milquetoast Seymour to kill for her.

Goblins (Labyrinth)
Cute? In an adorably ugly sort of way.
Terrifying? They're by no means the most critters in Labyrinth, but they do an impressive job of slinking around in the shadows and stealing infants.

Shmee (Squee)
Cute? Squee's teddy bear has seen better days, but he's still cuter than the Doughboys from Johnny the Homicidal Maniac.
Terrifying? Shmee provides emotional comfort for the perpetually terrified Shmee, but he also encourages Shmee to take violent revenge on his enemies. Of course, it could all be in Shmee's head.

Pac-Man (Blade: Trinity)
Cute? If you happen to like pomeranians.
Terrifying? It wasn't enough to make a vampire pomeranian; the vamps of Blade: Trinity had to create a mutant vampire pomeranian with xenomorph mouth.

Woodland Critters (South Park)
Cute? In a Disney sort of way.
Terrifying? Anything that comes out of Cartman's brain is automatically terrifying, but the woodland critters get extra points for possessing satanic powers and holding blood orgies. Also, they're trying to ensure the birth of the Antichrist.

Nubbins (Sanctuary)
Cute? It's doubtful anyone would bother taking care of the troublesome little things if they didn't resemble fat chinchillas.
Terrifying? They're basically tribbles with teeth. They're cute and cuddly until they start breeding and eating. And when they get hungry, they can take down the most vicious predator.

Bunnicula
Cute? He's your standard bunny: long ears, fluffy tail.
Terrifying? Maybe if you're a vegetable. Or a conspiracy-theorist cat.

The Denizens of Halloweentown (The Nightmare Before Christmas)
Cute? There's a reason they've been lining the shelves at Hot Topic all these years.
Terrifying? The Oogie Boogie is especially nightmarish, but the rest of Halloweentown gives a good scare, even when they don't mean to.

Sully (Monsters, Inc.)
Cute? That one child calls Sully "Kitty" throughout the entire movie pretty much sums it up.
Terrifying? About as scary as a monster from Sesame Street. But he does make his living terrorizing children, so we'll give him a pass.

Bun-Bun (Sluggy Freelance)
Cute? Yes, even while wielding a knife.
Terrifying? With a violent temper and the ability to produce switchblades seemingly out of no where, Bun-Bun is a force to be reckoned with. He's been known to slay telemarketers, the Easter Bunny, and anyone else who gets on his nerves.

Ickis (Aaahh!!! Real Monsters)
Cute? Unfortunately for him, yes. The small children he's supposed to be scaring frequently mistake him for a bunny rabbit.
Terrifying? Not as much as he'd like, but he gives it a solid try.

The Gingerbread Men (The Tick)
Cute? And delicious.
Terrifying? They're thoroughly evil and pretty clever, but because they're made without preservatives, they tend to go stale after a while.

The Gingerdead Man
Cute? This one falls a bit more on the disturbing side.
Terrifying? A psychotic killer resurrected as a knife-wielding cookie and voiced by Gary Busey? Actually, yes, it's pretty terrifying.

Reynardine (Gunnerkrigg Court)
Cute? Sometimes. He's trapped in the body of a stuffed wolf.
Terrifying? He's a body-stealing demigod, although at the moment he's confined to a single body. Still, he can shift into a pretty intimidating wolf form.

The Rabbit of Caerbannog (Monty Python and the Holy Grail):
Cute? From a distance.
Terrifying? It's not just the fact that the rabbit can decapitate you with its teeth. It's the awful can opener noise it makes when it does it.

Evil Children Everywhere
Cute? Creepifying to be sure, but reasonably cute.
Terrifying? Absolutely. It doesn't matter if they're banishing you to the cornfield or sacrificing you to the Devil; evil children are always utterly terrifying.

And yes, we're only doing this list because Chip Overclock demanded it.

Evil overlords of braininess:

The Gamesters of Triskelion from Star Trek: I'm willing to bet dollars to quatloos that you've already appreciated this classic tale of gambling addicts who have itchy betting fingers despite not having fingers. If not, then this trailer is all you really need to know.

Mother Brain in Metroid In this NES classic, the boss of the game was giant, disembodied glob of grey matter surrounded by a futuristic security system. If feminist gaming pioneer Samus Aran ran out of missiles, there was no way to beat Mother Brain. The whole "running out of a common item at the final boss of the game" spiel was an infuriating conundrum typical of early Nintendo games.

Brain from Doom Patrol. This brilliant scientist was caught in an explosion which reduced him to a brain, and nothing else. Luckily, Monsieur Mallah, the gorilla he'd uplifted to genius intelligence, loved him and kept him alive inside a tank. Niles Caulder, the scientist who engineered the explosion, later transferred race-car driver Cliff Steele's brain into the robot body he'd built for Brain.

Disembodied brain develops psychic powers:

Donovan's Brain by Curt Siomak, and the 1953 movie of the same title, are about an evil millionaire whose brain is put in a vat, and then he develops mental powers, allowing him to control those around him. The movie co-starred Nancy Davis, the future Nancy Reagan.

The Brain Spawn in Futurama — they're evil overlords, but they also have telekinesis. They're not actually in jars, but they're definitely disembodied. And they try to conquer the Earth, until Fry stands up to their leader, Big Brain (sorry, foreigners):

The Outer Limits, "The Brain Of Colonel Barham" Mea culpa — I wrongly put this one into "robot bodies you can load your brain into" — but it fits way better here. Colonel Barham, an astronaut, volunteers to have his brain loaded into a robot body so he can go to Mars, but then he goes nuts and develops evil psychic powers and controls people with his mind:

Marvel What If, "What If The Fantastic Four Had Gained Different Powers?" In this "what if" tale, instead of getting stretchy-limb powers, the FF's Reed Richards becomes a super-smart disembodied brain, with mental powers. "I promise I will never dominate your brain again," he promises Ben Grimm.



The brain that cheated death:

They Saved Hitler's Brain! You only think Hitler died at the end of World War II — in fact (wait for it), they saved his brain!

Doctor Who, "The Brain Of Morbius" features an evil Time Lord named Morbius who wants to rule the universe — so the Time Lords, instead of giving him the kid-gloves treatment they give the Master, go ahead and execute him. But his followers save his brain and keep it in a vat. The brain is eventually transplanted into a weird hybrid body, with a bubble head:

"William And Mary" by Roald Dahl. William dies of cancer, but he has his brain preserved inside a machine that can keep him alive for 200 years. His wife, Mary, considers taking him home — but only so she can smoke in front of him and watch television, two things he hates seeing her do. This story was made into an episode of the Tales Of The Unexpected TV series.

Packaged for space travel:

The Mi-Go in Lovecraft's Cthulhu mythos are fungoid, crustacean extraterrestrials, who transport humans from Earth to Pluto, by removing your brain and putting it in a "brain cylinder."

Operating cities or spaceships:

Spock's Brain from Star Trek is probably the most famous example of this trope — what is brain? Brain is the ultimate city infrastructure planner! (Sexy babes steal Spock's brain and use it to run their city. It makes total sense.)

The Ship Who Sang by Anne McCaffrey is all about a girl whose physically disabled so she's put in life support to help run complex systems, and when she hits adolescence, her brain is removed and she becomes the "mind" of a spaceship — until she falls in love. Aw.

Neon Genesis Evangelion's MAGI computer system is run by disembodied human brains.

Tin Man: In this Syfy reimagining of the Wizard Of Oz, the Wizard turns out to be the disembodied brain of the Scarecrow's counterpart, and it runs a doomsday device. (Thanks, TVTropes!)

RoboCop 2: The second RoboCop is really just the brain of a psychopath, transplanted into a robot body. Which works out great!

Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sort of fits this one as well — he gets reduced to just a brain-like entity, and then his ally Shredder builds him a humanoid exo-suit, with his disembodied brain-creature in the tummy. Mmmm tummy brain...

"Becalmed In Hell" by Larry Niven. In this story in the "Known Space" series, the injured Eric's brain is used as the computer of a ship exploring Venus, using the empty fuel tank as a dirigible. When it's time to return to Earth, Eric announces there's a problem, and they have to land. But the "normal" human astronaut, Howie, decides the problem is actually with Eric himself.

Random weird disembodied brain:

The Man With Two Brains features brain surgeon Steve Martin falling in love with a woman's disembodied brain, as he searches for a gorgeous body to transplant her into. As Martin helpfully explains, "I can't fuck a gorilla!"

L'oncle Irvin ("Uncle Irvin") in City of Lost Children featured a talking brain in a tank named . He suffered from migraine headaches, and spouted pearls of wisdom throughout the film.

The Harlem Heroes in 2000 A.D. are a basketball team one of whose members gets destroyed, except for his brain, which is — you guessed it — in a jar. And he still gets to stay on the team.

The Curious Dr. Humpp is a random disembodied genius brain, who can only survive as long as his acolyte siphons off the sexual energy from hot young men and women, and beams these orgones into his cerebellum. We featured a clip here.

Mother Brain in Captain N: The Game Master This Saturday morning cartoon show. She was voiced by Levi Stubbs, better known as the voice of Audrey the carnivorous plant from Little Shop of Horrors.

Star Wars features the B'omarr monks, whose brains live in jars, but sometimes spider droids carry them around, and you can just glimpse them in Jabba's palace if you squint like a Hutt.

Ghost In The Shell features many characters who've kept their organic brains but scrapped everything else. And according to TVTropes, this is a common motif in Dragonball, Kara No Kyoukai, Appleseed, Captain Future and Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagan as well.

Additional reporting by Cyriaque Lamar.

They Come Back, But Not Quite Alive

Torchwood: When Jack Harkness is understandably upset when Owen Harper is shot and killed. But at least he's got the Resurrection Gauntlet to bring him back to life, right? Well, sort of. Owen still walks and talks, but he's not precisely alive. His heart doesn't beat, his flesh doesn't heal, and his reflexes are gone. And, if that wasn't bad enough, he can't even enjoy food or sex anymore, and Weevils follow him everywhere.

Caprica: Granted, the consequences of bringing Zoe Graystone back from the dead are pretty far-reaching. After all, it results in the creation of the Cylons and the eventual decimation of humanity. But when Joseph Adama encounters a computerized copy of his dead daughter, her concerns with being back from the dead are more immediate. Without a living body, she has no pulse and just generally feels wrong, to the extent that she can't stand being semi-alive this way.

"Playback" Arthur C. Clarke: Caprica's borrowed a page from Clarke here, who wrote a tale of aliens who try to bring a pilot back to life after his ship explodes. They manage to restore all of his memories, but have no idea what kind of body he had, and he's a bit depressed to find that he's just a non-corporeal simulation.

"The River Styx Runs Upstream" by Dan Simmons: When a young boy's mother dies, his father has her body resurrected. Although her body has returned, her mind simply isn't there, and she wanders through life as an automaton. The boy's distraught father and older brother eventually kill themselves in their grief, horror, and shame, but the boy doesn't think resurrection's so terrible. He himself goes to work for the Resurrectionists, spending his free time with his resurrected family.

You Bring Them Back Wrong

Doctor Who "The Empty Child:" Well-meaning nanobots attempt to reconstruct a child killed during the London Blitz. But not knowing what a human child looks like, they bring him back as a mindless abomination, with a gas mask for a face and ever searching for his mother. Even worse, the bots decide that this is what all humans must look like, and proceed to transmute healthy children as well.

"The Monkey's Paw" by WW Jacobs: The mystical monkey's paw grants wishes, but never in the way you hoped. After the first wish Mr. White makes results in the death of his son Herbert, his second wish is for Herbert to return. Mr. White never sees his son, but he knows after a horrible accident and a week on the slab, Herbert probably isn't the same. His third wish takes Herbert away.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer "Forever:" Following the same vein as "The Monkey's Paw," Dawn tries to resurrect her dead mother via magic. She also never sees her mother, realizing that what comes back won't quite be her, and breaks the spell before her mother reaches their front door.

They'll Try to Kill You Afterward

30 Days of Night: Dark Days: After Eben Olemaun becomes a vampire to save the remaining citizens of Barrow, he turns to ash when the polar sun finally rises. This sets Stella Olemaun on a quest to bring her husband back to life. But when she succeeds, Eben is still a vampire — and a hungry one at that.

"Herbert West — Reanimator" by HP Lovecraft: Medical student Herbert West is fascinated by life and death, and develops a serum he believes will restart the machinery of the human body. The serum works, but turns the corpses into cannibalistic zombies. West is unrepentant , focused on new ways to find dead subjects for his experiments. Of course, eventually his zombie experiments turn on him.

Practical Magic: After Sally Owens' boyfriend Jimmy turns out to be abusive, she drugs him and accidentally kills him. Fearing prison, Sally and her sister Gillian cast a spell to revive him, but Jimmy's immediate reaction isn't exactly gratitude. He tries to kill Gillian, forcing Sally to murder him once again.

Pet Sematary: Any dead creature buried in the ancient Micmac burial ground comes back to life, just not quite the way you put it in. After losing his young son Gage, Louis buries his son in the graveyard. Sure enough, Gage comes back — and promptly murders his mother.

Lexx: You would think that, given the prophecy that the last of the Brunnen-G would kill His Divine Shadow, the last thing His Divine Shadow would do is resurrect a Brunnen-G corpse. But he did exactly that to Kai, making him one of the living dead as a Divine Assassin. It takes over 2000 years, but eventually Kai does get around to killing him.

Supernatural "Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things:" College students and necromancy are always a recipe for trouble. When a broken-hearted boy tries to bring his dead crush back, she's of course got to go zombie and start chomping down on her loved ones.

God Emperor of Dune by Frank Herbert: For thousands of years, Leto Atreides has ruled over humanity, and always has a ghola — a copy — of his father's faithful friend Duncan Idaho to serve him. But the Duncan ghola's almost inevitably rebel against Leto and try to kill him, forcing Leto to kill all but 19 gholas. Still, Leto keeps bringing in a fresh Duncan ghola after each attempt on his life.

They Bring Death With Them

Pushing Daisies: When pie maker Ned touches dead bodies, they become reanimated, without regard for mutilation or decay. But if he fails to deanimate them after more than a minute, a random person in close proximity dies, taking their place. And for Ned, bringing the dead back to life is further complicated by not being able to touch them, lest they fall dead once again.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer "After Life:" Actually, bringing a body-stealing demon into the world of the living was probably the least of the disastrous consequences of resurrecting the Slayer. Still, when a demon gets loose in Sunnydale, the Scoobies have to kill it before it kills Buffy.

Carnivale: Ben Hawkins has the power to bring people back from the dead, but it comes with a price: one person of Hawkins' choosing must die in exchange for the life. And, try though he might, he can't choose himself.

Torchwood "Dead Man Walking:" Another fun consequence of Owen's walking death is that Death himself comes along for the ride. He's looking for 13 souls to consume so he can remain in the world of the living and slake his thirst for destruction.

It Will Come at Great Personal Cost

The Dresden Files: The sorcerer Hrothbert of Bainbridge committed a crime against his order by bringing his beloved Winifred back from the dead, prompting the High Council to hand down a severe and lasting punishment: they imprison his spirit inside his skull for all eternity. Hrothbert, now "Bob," has been around over a thousand years, but he can't interact with the physical world.

Torchwood "They Keep Killing Suzie:" The other Resurrection Gauntlet actually does bring the dead back to full-fledged life. But naturally there's still a catch: the resurrected person draws life energy from the living wearer, and permanent resurrection means the death of the living wearer.

Full Metal Alchemist: After their mother dies, Edward and Alphonse try to revive her through alchemy. Not only do they fail to bring her back from the dead, they lose physical pieces of themselves in the process, with Edward losing his left leg and Alphonse losing his entire body.

Supernatural: The Winchesters thrive on death and resurrection. When Sam is shot and killed, Dean trades his soul for Sam's life, with the bartering demon collecting in just a year. Sure enough, after a year, Dean dies and head off to Hell.

It Will Attract Unwanted Attention

The Outer Limits "Josh:" When reclusive Josh Butler resurrects a young girl through a strange electromagnetic pulse, it attracts the attention of a tabloid TV reporter looking for a scoop. Unfortunately, it also attracts the attention of the US Air Force, who promptly seize Josh and start performing medical tests.

The 4400: Shawn Farrell manages to bring a bird back from the dead, just one example of his amazing healing abilities. But not everyone is thrilled about his strange new powers, and they bring him to the attention of Jordan Collier, which is a bit of a double-edged sword.

It's Only Temporary

AI: Artificial Intelligence: The evolved mechas who find David frozen beneath the water are able to give the robotic boy his greatest wish: time with his long-dead adoptive mother Monica. The resurrection only lasts a day and can never be repeated. David's okay with the arrangement, since that one day is perfect, but it's a clear audience tearjerker.

They Were Actually Okay With Being Dead

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Willow assumed that Buffy's death by interdimensional portal had sent the Slayer to a hell dimension, and conjured up some ill-advised magic to bring her back. Unfortunately, Willow never considered that Buffy might actually be in Heaven, leaving her in a major season-long depression as she adjusts to inferior life back on Earth.

Supernatural: Okay, so Dean didn't exactly enjoy his stay in Hell, but he's dealing with some very Buffy-like issues on his return to Earth. He clearly remembers his agonizing time in Hell and got a real taste for torture. And God might have pulled him out of Hell, but his plans for Dean on Earth involve more havoc and torture.

Green Lantern: Maura Rayner is infected with a sentient virus sent by Sinestro and her son Kyle failed to get back in time to save her. He uses his powers to revive her, but she won't have any of it. She senses that, once dead, there's something wrong with being alive and begs him to let her be dead once again.

You Never Really Liked Them in the First Place

The Venture Bros.: Dean and Hank Venture are a tad on the death-prone side, so their father always keeps a few clone slugs around to imprint with their memories. But once they're alive again, he generally treats them as nuisances — or ignores them entirely. But he does find it handy to have a spare organ donor (or two) around.

Red Dwarf: Nearly the entire complement of the Red Dwarf is killed off in the first episode, only to be resurrected in the eighth season thanks to a little nanobot magic. Lister is no longer the only human in the universe, but he and his cohorts immediately run afoul of the newly reconstructed crew.

It Makes for Unnecessary Sequels

And Another Thing... by Eoin Colfer: We said goodbye to several major characters from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series (as well as the entire planet Earth) at the end of Mostly Harmless. Presumably Eoin Colfer's sequel will see Arthur Dent, Ford Prefect, and Trillian ride again, and Arthur's none too pleased about it.

Space Ghost
Twenty-eight years before he became a talk show host, Space Ghost hit the airwaves with a wonderful design (from comic book legend Alex Toth) and... well, not much else to his credit, really. Fighting generic alien villains (Most of whom would go on to become the crew of Space Ghost Coast-to-Coast) in equally generic cartoons, Adult Swim's 1994 parody revamp may end up being the best thing that ever happened to him... It was definitely the most interesting.

Birdman
Another character rescued from obscurity by Adult Swim (And, again, Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law is probably the best thing that happened to the character), Birdman shares lots of other things with Space Ghost - He comes from the same time period, was also designed by Alex Toth, and had a short career, only lasting two years before cancellation. Still, at least Birdman - whose Egyptian connection would later be co-opted by his inspiration, DC's Hawkman - only had one annoying sidekick, the on-the-nose named Birdboy.

The Herculoids
A Space Ghost spin-off, The Herculoids were an alien superteam made up of a dragon, a "rock ape," a rhino with ten legs, two giant amoebas and some humans. According to the opening credits, they were all-strong, all-brave and all-heroes, but I'd rather go with "all-awkward, all-half-a-good-idea and all-canceled-in-two-years." Gleep and Gloop, we hardly knew you.

Galaxy Trio
Weirdly enough my favorite of all of these characters (There's just something about this mash-up of Legion of Super-Heroes and Fantastic Four that gets me, I can't deny it), this trilogy of uninventive characters - Vapor Man, Gravity Girl and Meteor Man who, despite his name, can grow or shrink any part of his body at will. Get all your innuendo out now, people - managed to last two years fighting crime as part of the Galactic Patrol interstellar police force. Okay, I admit it; I would totally watch a Galaxy Trio Vs. Space Ghost crime-off.

Mightor
Another product of the 1967 rush of mediocre cartoons - With the exception of Space Ghost (1966), all of the above shows were produced by Hanna Barbera during the same time, which says a lot about the faith they had in that Batman fad lasting - Mightor was proof that superheroics and prehistorics shouldn't mix. When teenage caveman Tor raises his magic club in the air, he becomes the mighty Mightor, who looks very like Space Ghost, fighting... well, dinosaurs and whatever random crime happened back in caveman days. You can guess why this one didn't really have the legs to last beyond a couple of years.

Space Angel
Of all the shows deserving resurrection, Space Angel is the best. Firstly, the name - which also happens to be the nickname of its lead character, Scott McCloud (No, not the guy who wrote Understanding Comics), an astronaut who works for the Earth Bureau of Investigation's Interplanetary Space Force alongside the just-as-wonderfully-named Crystal Mace and Taurus. Fighting off threats to Earth alongside his counterparts from Mars, Venus and other local planets, Space Angel's daily five-minute adventures made up in thrills what they lacked in animation (They look like motion comics). Someone get George Clooney on the phone: We've found his Iron Man.

Super Chicken
From the same people who brought you Rocky and Bullwinkle, Chicken gave the world the world's first Bostonian chicken, and for that alone it should be considered a national treasure. Which, considering the actual quality of the show, is probably a good thing.

Roger Ramjet
For some reason, my childhood was plagued by Roger Ramjet reruns, so you'll never be able to convince me that this square-jawed dull-witted patriot is anything other than "that crappily-animated cartoon that's keeping me from new episodes of Spider-Man And His Amazing Friends." Sorry, everyone.

The Mighty Heroes
Early work by Ralph Bakshi, Heroes was the result of an improvised pitch surprisingly greenlit, and the lack of planning shows up in characters like Diaper Man (He's a supersmart baby!) and Rope Man (He's a man made out of rope!). Mighty Mouse, who shared a show with these losers, must've been ashamed.

The Impossibles
What happens when you cross Beatlemania with Batmania? You get 1966's The Impossibles, in which three rock'n'roll stars put down their guitars and take up crimefighting when the need strikes - and mysterious boss Big D calls. As a reminder of the crazy zeitgeist of the era, it's fine, but as anything else...? I'm not convinced.

Oh, and there will be some spoilers for recent TV episodes here — most notably Fringe.

This is mostly a list of people whose characters died or departed forever, but then they went on to play a totally different character. This doesn't include people whose characters died and then came back to life, which is a totally different trope. (And I'm not including actors who played more than one minor character in a show, or a minor character followed later by a major character.)

Garret Dillahunt on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

This amazingly versatile actor plays Cromartie, a Terminator sent from the future to kill John Connor. And after a season and a half of cat and mouse games, Cromartie finally gets blowed up good. But then his body gets repurposed and used as a UI for the childlike AI known as John Henry. (You could also say the same for Brian Austin Green, but that's slightly different — he came back as the exact same character, Derek Reese. It was just a different timeline where Derek hadn't died (yet.))

Sheryl Lee on Twin Peaks.

Laura Palmer dies (as you may have heard), but then actor Sheryl Lee shows up as Laura's nearly identical cousin Maddy. Good thing they wouldn't kill off the same actor twice... right?

Ali Larter on Heroes.

Larter plays the troubled webcam girl Niki, who's also the psychotic killer Jessica sometimes. But then Niki/Jessica dies... but it turns out Larter has an identical sister named Tracy. (And another one named Barbara, but apparently we'll never actually meet her.) And there's a mad scientist guy involved, who decided to give one sister weird water powers, and the other sister weird "psycho mirror" powers, because hello, mad scientist!

Doctor Carson Beckett on Stargate Atlantis

This jolly Scottish doctor is great at cooking up retroviruses and coming up with last-minute saves... but after he died at the end of the third season, fans were outraged. Good thing he was able to come back as his own clone. Also notable: Elizabeth Weir dies, but comes back as a machine intelligence (although I'm not sure if Torri Higginson ever played the mecha-Weir.)

Kirk Acevedo on Fringe .

This is the somewhat spoilery one: Acevedo's character, Charlie, dies at the end of the first episode of season two. But he's been replaced by an evil (or at least morally suspect) shapeshifter from an alternate world — where, presumably, there may also be another Charlie Francis running around. So we could eventually see Acevedo playing a third character. (And then a fourth, when the shapeshifter impersonates alt-Charlie?)

Amy Acker on Angel.

We were heartbroken when Fred died, but then chilled and shocked when she was reborn as the psychotic demon god Illyria. And then we learned to love her new persona almost (well maybe half) as much as her original one.

Terry O'Quinn on Lost.

Locke appears — emphasis on appears — to be stone dead, although maybe he's alive in another timeline? In any case, after Locke died, someone (or some thing) impersonated him, allowing O'Quinn to stretch his acting muscles and play Locke as, well, kind of a dick.

Denise Crosby on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Oh. The pain. Tasha Yar dies, but then Crosby later reappears as Tasha Yar's daughter (from an alternate timeline) with a Romulan. You see, Picard sent alt-Tasha back in time to the Enterprise-C so it could be destroyed by Romulans and the timeline could be repaired, but alt-Tasha didn't die, and so she shacked up with the Romulans, and... oh, whatever. It's Crosby with pointy ears. Look!

Steve Bacic on Andromeda.

He plays Gaheris Rhade, who betrays Dylan Hunt and is killed in the show's pilot episode — although Gaheris reappears several times in flashbacks and one alternate history episode later. And then in later seasons, Bacic takes on a new character Telemachus Rhade, who's the descendant of Gaheris. (Thanks to Xicer for the heads up!)

Lalla Ward on Doctor Who.

Okay, so Ward's character, Princess Astra, didn't actually die — but she did get written out of the show forever. And then the Doctor's Time Lady companion, Romana suddenly decided to regenerate, and randomly chose to refashion herself into the guise of Princess Astra. You could also mention Anthony Ainley, who played Tremas in "Keeper Of Traken." Tremas died — but then his body got taken over, and he became the new incarnation of the Master — but Tremas was always just intended to be a new host body for the Master.

Katee Sackhoff on Battlestar Galactica.

This is another edge case — Starbuck definitely died, because there was a body. But did she come back to life? Is Sackhoff playing a different character in the final season of BSG? Your theory is at least as valid as mine, because I haven't a clue. Like the video says, "You Will Know The Truth."

Thanks to Alexis Brown, Meredith Woerner, Sam J. Miller, Paul McEnery, Sean Passmore, Katrina James, Rus McLaughlin, Kathleen Warnock, Robert Hewitt Wolfe, S.J. Edewards, David Daw, Debcha, Barclay Sylvester, Karen Meisner, Brooklyn Erica, and "Dillahunt News" on Twitter (is that actually Garret Dillahunt, or a fan?), plus anyone else who helped out.

If You See the Future, You Can Change It

Flashforward by Robert J. Sawyer: In the source material for the television series, the consciousness of the human population is flung 21 years into the future for two minutes. Although some who see the vision are resigned to their eventual fates or actively seek them out, there are those who quickly prove that the future isn't set in stone — by killing themselves so their visions cannot come to pass.

Next: Nic Cage plays a fellow who can see two minutes into the future. It's helpful for winning blackjack, but he otherwise finds that by observing his own future, he changes what his future will be.

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer: Alice Cullen has a limited ability to see into the future, but her vision of the future depends entirely on the decisions humans and vampires have made in the here and now. If a person changes his/her mind at the last moment, the future will be very different from what Alice has perceived.

The Power of Five by Anthony Horowitz: Matt Freeman accurately predicted his parents' death, but did nothing to prevent it. Later, Matt learned that his dreams are, in fact, precognitive, and that seeing the future allows him to change it.

Star Wars: A handful of Force users, notably those related to Anakin Skywalker, have Force Visions of possible futures. While the Sith tend to see the visions as true or try to make them come to pass, the Jedi tend to view the future as ever-shifting. Of course, Anakin Skywalker was prodded down his path to the Dark Side because he was trying to avert the future he saw, only to end up helping it along.

Marvel Comics: Several characters in the Marvel Universe have the ability to see into the future, but there are plenty of indications that those visions aren't set in stone. Irene Adler, also known as Destiny, has the ability to see probable futures and determine which events and choices would lead to which future. Similarly, Layla Miller has the ability to see paths of causality and understands how to change or avoid future events. And though Tick-Tock sees a mere 60 seconds into the future, he sees diverging paths as well and knows which ultra-near future is most likely to occur.

No Heroics: Timebomb can also see 60 seconds into the future, and can make small changes based on his predictions. But burned out from the superhero life, he mostly uses it to predict whether pick-up lines will succeed, or whether the train will come.

You Can Change the Future, But Only to a Certain Extent

Lost: Desmond Hume sees visions of the future, notably of Charlie's death, and can avert specific instances he foresees. But he eventually realizes that Charlie's death is inevitable, and that he can only hold it off for so long. Other castaways have similar visions of the future, but are unable to prevent those visions from coming to pass.

Supernatural: Sam Winchester has visions of the future that sometimes allow Sam and his brother Dean to avert catastrophes. However, Sam's powers are a far cry from the divine prophecy exhibited by Chuck, whose visions of the future always come true.

You Can't Change Anything

The Dead Zone: Johnny Smith's visions of the past and near future are always accurate, and he uses his precognitive and postcognitive abilities to solve crime. His accuracy becomes distressing, however, as he captures glimpses of an apocalyptic future tied to the congressional election of Greg Stillson.

Premonition: When Sandra Bullock experiences the day after her husband's accident before the accident ever occurs, she thinks she has been given the opportunity to save him. But it's her attempts to avert his deadly accident that end up causing his death.

Your VIsions May Come True, But Are Still a Warning

Angel: Doyle (and later Cordelia) receives visions of people in trouble. Said people always end up in trouble, but the purpose of the visions is to give Angel time to save the victim — or the world.

Charmed: Phoebe Halliwell is another recipient of warning visions from the powers of good, visions that let Phoebe and her sisters take down demons and evil warlocks.

Eastwick: We don't yet know the full extent of Roxanne Torcoletti's precognitive powers, but in the pilot she's able to see the beginning of her daughter's assault, allowing her to nip it in the bud.

The Matrix Reloaded: Throughout the second Matrix film, Neo is plagued by visions of his beloved Trinity dying. She is shot and falls, just as it happens in his dreams, but he is able to make the choice to save her after the fact, digging the bullet out and bringing her back to life.

Your Vision Will Come True, Just Not in the Way You Thought

That's So Raven: Raven Baxter's brief flashes on the future always come true, but she generally misinterprets their meaning. Plus, she'll often spend half the episode trying to keep her vision from coming to pass, even though her actions inevitably lead up to the scene from her vision. After 100 episodes, she still hasn't learned.

Minority Report: Presumably, the visions of the precogs aren't 100 percent accurate, since the three occasionally occasionally disagree on how and whether a crime will be committed. But on top of that, they can only see the literal visual of the crime and not the circumstances, and the precrime unit may, at times, misinterpret the visions.

Battlestar Galactica: Caprica Six, Sharon Agathon, and Laura Roslin share a dream-like premonition. Although it's not a literal vision of the future, at least Sharon fears it signifies a future in which Baltar and Caprica kidnap Hera, although in the end, they merely rescue the child from Cavil and his forces.

Blake's 7: The Orac supercomputer is capable of many astounding feats of computation, and when it falls into the hands of the Liberator crew, it claims it can predict the future. To prove it, Orac shows them a video of the Liberator exploding. But it then proceeds to manipulate events so that a ship identical to the Liberator explodes, thus fulfilling its own prophecy.

Heroes: Although time travel has changed more than a few future events, premonitions hold quite a bit of predictive water. But even as most of Isaac Mendez's paintings come true, they don't occur in the way the viewer might expect, and Angela Petrelli's prediction that Matt Parkman would save Nathan's life has a horrifically twisted outcome.

Shazam! (1974)
With one word, Billy Batson becomes the World's Mightiest Mortal... but that's about the most believable thing in this series, which creepily featured the underage Billy traveling around the country in an RV accompanied by his "mentor" and occasionally talking to the gods who gave him his powers, who all happened to be badly-animated cartoons. Add in Billy or Captain Marvel helpfully telling you the moral of the episode at the end each week, and you've got a recipe for a dull show enlivened only by the size of Billy's hair.

Electra-Woman and Dyna-Girl (1976)
I'm not really sure this one needs any explanation as to why it's on the list, once you've watched the video.

The Amazing Spider-Man (1977)
In which television revealed the truth about Marvel's favorite superhero: He looked kind of ridiculous. This short-lived series also missed the point of the comic book altogether by not using any of the character's famous supervillains, instead giving him ninjas and terrorists to fight. What was the point of that?

Legends Of The Superheroes (1978)
No expense was spared on bringing DC's biggest name superheroes to the small screen in this live action version of Super Friends - well, unless you count the money that would've been spent on a good script. Again, proving that bad writing and poor special effects can overcome even the best intentions, this two-part series (The second episode of which was a celebrity roast of the heroes led by Ed McMahon. No, really) also featured a villain more diabolical than Lex Luthor: A laugh track.

Those Terrible Captain America TV Movies (1979)
We can just imagine the pitch meeting for these two TV movies: "So, we have the rights to Captain America - You know, the guy who embodies the American Dream and fought in World War II against Hitler? I've got a great take on him: We turn him into Evel Kinivel. And let's get rid of that mask, too. Make it into a motorcycle helmet - That's much more hep." It could've been worse, we guess... We're just not sure how.

The Incredible Hulk Returns (1988)
The original Hulk series was, if you ask us, one of the few superhero shows that worked - and that's because they didn't really treat it as a superhero show at all. When they revived the series a decade later and started pairing him with guest stars from the Marvel Universe, though...? Not a good idea:

(The Daredevil appearance in the next special, Trial of The Incredible Hulk, may be even worse; especially because they seem to have gotten the character mixed up with a generic ninja who happened to be blind.)

Superboy (1988)
An attempt to spin the Superman movies into a weekly format, the Superboy series had sincerity going for it - Sincerity and the seeming inability to not try and drastically rework the series between seasons every year (Including recasting the lead role after the original Superboy asked for a raise around the same time as getting arrested for drunk driving), leading to a schizophrenic, uneven show let down by shoddy special effects.

The Flash (1990)
The Flash comic book may be populated with colorful villains, but the television show didn't have the same luck (Mark Hamill's Trickster, in the clip below, aside), presumably for budgetary reasons. Add in a leading man as stiff as his ridiculously over-sculpted costume, and it's no surprise that this show only lasted one season.

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (1993)
Secret identities, colorful outfits, super powers, fighting crime... These guys count as superheroes, right? Maybe it's our age, maybe our dedication to things like plot, dialogue and nuance, or perhaps it's just our aversion to cheap monsters in anything that doesn't actually involve Godzilla, but the long-running (and multiple-show-spanning: It's on its fifteenth different title right now) series always seemed... well, almost unwatchably bad to us.

Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman (1993)
It's a judgment call as to whether this show really deserves to be here. On the one hand, the Moonlighting-esque relationship between its leads was cute, and John Shea's Lex Luthor was a lot of fun... But on the other, it was a show that struggled to come up with good ideas each week and often failed, leading to an episode where Clark married a clone of Lois, who needed to eat frogs in order to survive. Or something. And what was with essentially writing Lex out after one season, anyway?

Generation X (1996)
A pilot adapting Marvel's X-Men spin-off, Generation X made it to air but never to full-series, meaning that the world was spared the low-budget high-concept struggle of teens having to live with their mutant abilities in a world that hated and feared them... because they couldn't act.

Justice League of America (1997)
Possibly the ultimate proof that TV and superheroes don't mix, this is another unsuccessful pilot that aired nonetheless, and features bad writing, bad acting, bad special effects, and some of the most literal - and most embarrassing - superhero costumes ever seen on screen. It's like a landmark of fail.

Mutant X (2001)
Marvel's short-lived television series about mutants that isn't related to the X-Men at all oh no please don't sue us Fox (They did, nonetheless) tried to swerve away from comparisons to the publisher's successful mutant franchise by underplaying everything to the point of boredom. Even Generation X would've been better than this.

Birds of Prey (2002)
It had so much potential - Batman and Catwoman's daughter teaming up with the former Batgirl to fight crime? Hello, high concept - but the execution let it down badly with shoddy writing, lack of direction and the mistaken idea that camp was better than character development. When something makes Smallville look subtle and nuanced, you know you're in trouble.

The Ones That Didn't Suck
Batman (1966)
Almost everything about it is wrong - The cheap jokes! The ill-fitting costumes! Replacing Julie Newmar with Eartha Kitt! - but it all works nonetheless; Batman's 1960s incarnation may not be the best translation from page to screen, but as a weird totem of the era, it remains a classic.

Wonder Woman (1975)
We love Wonder Woman as a character, and this show may be a lot to do with that. While the comic version was having identity issues at the time this series was being made, the TV show took her back to her heyday, added the "let me twirl into my costume" and fittingly made Lynda Carter the star she should've been all along.

The Incredible Hulk (1978)
As we said above, the Hulk show worked despite its title character - Riffing on The Fugitive with an occasional need for a giant silent strongman, the show offered a completely different take on the character from the comics, and one that was arguably better.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1996)
When it comes to television series about people with magical powers, we don't think we're alone in thinking that Joss Whedon did everything right. Mixing just the right amounts of humor and tragedy into the supernatural and superpowered stories, Buffy is everything that superhero shows like Smallville and Heroes should be trying to emulate... if only they could drag themselves away from the superficial special effects and overcooked dialogue.

The Obvious Exceptions
Anything animated
Yes, all of the above shows were live-action, and yes, we know that superhero cartoons have a long and proud history on television as well; we're partial to some Justice League Unlimited, especially if Darkseid is the bad guy. But as much as adding animated series in here may have ruined the grade curve, let's not forget things like this:

or this:

I think you know what I'm saying.

Futurama, "Parasites Lost"

Fry eats a dodgy egg-salad sandwich at a spaceship rest area, and the eggs hatch into tons of worms, who form a whole worm society inside Fry's bowels. So the Planet Express crew has to copy themselves into tiny little worm-sized robots, which they can control with their brains — so the robots can travel inside Fry's innards while the actual people (and robot, in Bender's case) controlling them remain safe and normal-sized.

Mobile Suit Gundam and Gundam Wing
The Wing Zero and Gundam Epyon suits included the ZERO (Zoning & Emotional Range Omitted) system, connecting to the pilot's brain via neural interface and giving the pilot real-time strategic data, and eliminating all pesky doubts. The system has one major flaw: the pilot tends to "hallucinate" the possible paths the suit can take, causing temporary insanity unless your mind is strong enough. Here's a battle between Gundam Wing Zero and Gundam Epyon.

Ghost In The Shell

Lots of people in this universe jack into android bodies and control them remotely — sending android "dolls" into danger while remaining safe. In this clip, Major Motoko Kusanagi controls two android bodies at once. Especially in "Solid State Society," she's frequently running two parallel processes, and manages to be in two places at once.

Cities In Flight by James Blish

Before humans can actually visit Jupiter in person, we send tele-operated robots with cool tentacles. Here's a relevant passage (thanks to Technovelgy):

For a wild instant he had thought there was a man on Jupiter already; but as he pulled up just above the platform's roof, he realized that the moving thing inside was - of course - a robot; a misshapen, many-tentacled thing about twice the size of a man. It was working busily with bottles and flasks, of which it seemed to have thousands on benches and shelves all around it The whole enclosure was a litter of what Helmuth took to be chemical apparatus, and off to one side was an object which might have been a microscope...

The robot looked up at him and gesticulated with two or three tentacles...

"This is Doc Barth. How do you like my laboratory?"

Bug Park by James P. Hogan

In this awesome novel, inventors Eric and Vanessa Heber develop a new kind of telepresence — direct neural coupling — which shuts down your usual senses and connects them to neural feedback from robots, known as Mecs. The novel explains:

Ohira, who had been watching phlegmatically, nodded his head at the figures in the chairs. "You see, it's the way I told you. No ordinary VR helmets here. This connects straight into your head."

"DNC: Direct Neural Coupling," Heber said to Michelle. "That's what makes Neurodyne different."

She nodded. "I have read a little about it."

"Would you like to try it?" Heber invited.

Michelle moved her gaze to the empty chairs but looked apprehensive. "I'm not sure. I wouldn't want to get one of your little guys shredded or caught up in a wringer."

So of course the Hebers, and their precocious teen son, come up with the ultimate business model — tiny little bug robots controlled by tourists' minds, which can explore an insect theme park or even take part in insect gladitorial contests. But of course, bad guys want to use the DNC technology to power miniature assassins instead.

Robot in Invincible

The leader of the Teen Team superhero group, Robot gets promoted to join the Guardians Of The Globe, who are like the Justice League in the Invincible universe. Everybody thinks he's just a regular robot, but eventually they discover he's actually remote controlled by Rudy Conners, a disfigured man living in a tank of fluid.

Battle Angel Alita

Soon to be a movie from James "Avatar" Cameron, this series follows a cyborg assassin who's controlled several different bodies, including a Berzerker body, a "motorball body" and a TUNED body. (Thanks to Cash907Censored!)

The Girl Who Was Plugged In by James Tiptree, Jr.

In a corporate-controlled future, advertising is illegal, so instead celebrities go around promoting products. This story's protgagonist has her personality put into a perfect robot body, while her real body is put "in the sauna room" and she becomes an advertising celebrity. Her new body is a "placental decanter," specially grown to be perfect, with control implants. "Little Delphi is going to live a wonderful, exciting life. She's going to be a girl people watch. And she's going to be using fine products people will be glad to know about and helping the people who make them."

Forever Peace by Joe Haldeman

The soldiers in this book are jacked into Soldierboys, Flyboys and other constructs, which they control with their brains. These machines allow the U.S. to run a remote-controlled war against various third-world countries. Protgaonist Julian Class controls his robot Soldierboy via a jack connected to his skull. Too bad that long-term connection to the Soldierboys and Flyboys has weird long-term effects, including "humanizing" you and making you averse to killing.

Sleep Dealer

Two different characters jack their nervous systems into robots, far away, in this incredible movie directed by Alex Rivera. Memo goes to work in the city in Mexico, where he's connected remotely to robots doing construction work in the United States — so the U.S. can import people's labor, without bringing in the people themselves. And Rudy controls a military drone with his mind — using it, among other things, to blow up Memo's family's house when Memo accidentally gets suspected of being a hacker.

Runners up: Suspended (InfoCom game), Debatable Space by Philip Palmer, City by Clifford Simak, Starstruck (comics), Neon Genesis Evangelion, Metal Gear Solid 4 and Call Me Joe by Poul Anderson

Thanks to Arthur Conan Smith, Kiala Kazebee, S.J. Edeards, Katrina James, Andrew Liptak, Greta Christina, Kate Dominic, Jessy Randall Carlos P. Diaz, FLIMGeeks, Espana Sheriff, Tom Marcinko, Barry Lukens, Lun Esex, Ashley Edward Miller, Allan Bostick, Jackie M, Star Killer, Jason Schachat, Bonnie Burton, Morgan Johnson, Paul McEnery, Izzy Oneiric, Jason Shankel and Kate Cowan.

Replicators (Star Trek): Despite their ability to replicate everything from heavy machinery to caviar, the replicators actually malfunction far less often than their holodeck cousins. But leave it to the Cardassians to recognize replicators can be programmed for evil, whether by transmitting an aphasia virus or delivering a bomb in lieu of Captain Sisko's morning Raktajino.

Wonka's Inventions (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl): As much as Wonka claims that everything in his factory is edible, it's best to keep your mitts (and teeth) off his more experimental works, such as Three-Course Bubblegum or Television Chocolate.

Nuka-Cola (Fallout): Unlike Slurm, which is less an invention than the product of a Slurm Queen's behind, Nuka-Cola has multiple ingredients — some of them radioactive. While marketing claims the radiation in Nuka-Cola Quantum is harmless, no drink that makes your pee glow can be healthy, and even consuming Nuka-Cola Classic comes with a 10% chance of addiction.

Allied Mastercomputer ("I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream" by Harlan Ellison): When the godlike computer AM destroys nearly all of humanity, it decides to keep a few around for its own amusement. To keep the survivors from dying, it manufactures manna from heaven. To keep them from enjoying it, the computer makes it all taste terrible.

Coffee Engine (Girl Genius): The Coffee Engine could give your favorite barista a run for their money. It's capable of creating the perfect cup of coffee, which would be great if any person who drank said cup didn't become instantly obsessed with its perfection. To keep all of humanity from degrading into coffee-addled zombies (as if it weren't already too late), the machine had to be tweaked to produce only an excellent cup of coffee.

Matrix Food (The Matrix): Virtual food in the Matrix isn't inherently evil, aside from it being another way the machines trick your brain into believing you're in the physical world. But when compared with the uniform slop served outside the Matrix, the promise of nightly steak dinners is enough to convince Cypher to betray Neo.

Soylent Processing (Soylent Green): The problem with over-processed foodstuffs is that no one recognizes what they're eating any more. That isn't such a huge problem when it's just (tasteless) soy and lentil wafers, but far more sinister when your latest ingredient is tasty, human meat.

Dehydrated Pizza (Back to the Future, Part II): The height of 21st Century convenience, the dehydrated pizza stores easily and cooks in a few seconds. But even though it's the shape of a cookie when dehydrated, don't devour the thing whole. Reexpansion in the stomach can be hazardous to your health, not to mention painful.

Bologna Virus (Invader Zim): When Dib hits Zim with a slice of bologna, Zim has a lunchmeat-inspired idea for taking out his nemesis once and for all. He overwrites Dib's DNA with bologna DNA, gradually turning him in to a delicious tube of pressed meat. Naturally, of course, the plan backfires and he's got to find...a cure.

Killer Tomatoes (Attack of the Killer Tomatoes): Professor Gangreen finds a way to turn Earth's most devious fruit into a weapon of mass destruction. In the second film, he transforms tomatoes into humanoid spies, even as giant man-eating tomatoes splat through the streets.

The Chocolate Dispenser (Red Dwarf): Unlike the Talkie Toaster, which is mostly annoying with its obsession with toast, the Chocolate Dispenser has declared itself Rimmer's actual nemesis, once going so far as to attack Rimmer by firing soda cans at his head.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Gun (Meet the Robinsons): Aspiring young inventor Lewis is always inventing things, and often showing his gadgets off to less that appreciative prospective parents. The PB&J gun would have been less of a disaster if that one potential father hadn't had a deathly peanut allergy.

Kandyman (Doctor Who "The Happiness Patrol"): Don't let his bridge mix exterior fool you; the Kandyman is not an automaton to be trifled with. People who fail to smile and aren't happy all the time must deal with the Kandyman's sweet brand of law enforcement — drowning in sugary goop, otherwise known as the "fondant surprise."

Dish of the Day (The Restaurant at the End of the World by Douglas Adams): At Milliways, you get to meet your meat before you eat, thanks to a brand of sentient animal specially bred to want to be eaten. Granted, it's probably not going to hurt you, but you'll probably lose your appetite.

1.) Club Hel

Location: The Matrix's Mega City
What kind of Crowd? Usually the tie-me-and-gag-me types like to hang out in this leather clad-paradise, but it usually seems to have a regular crowd of rogue programs masquerading as werewolves, vampires and other paranormal anomalies.
Why you should give it a shot: Most people might be thrown off by the number of vinyl cows killed to make the fetish gear, but if you were smart enough to take the red pill, this is old hat.

2.) Holoband Clubs

Location: Anywhere you want, as long as your live in Battlestar Galactica's 12 colonies.
What kind of Crowd? The holoband clubs located in the virtual realm of one's mind make Club Hel look like a neighborhood bar. Teens go inside these illegal clubs to indulge in their most deviant desires, which at the very least involve kinky sex and at the very most include human sacrifice.
Why you should give it a shot: Should you meet an unfortunate demise, this is the best place to hide a virtual replica of yourself.

3.) The Snake Pit

Location: Blade Runner's Los Angeles in the year 2019.
What kind of Crowd? The world's social elite all cooped up together, smoking opium.
Why you should give it a shot: You can have fun spotting the replicants posing as bar patrons. Why stay at home, when you can witness an existential struggle over what it means to be human take place in your neighborhood bar.

4.) The Genetic Opera

Location: Repo! The Genetic Opera's Central entertainment featuring the Blind Mag.
What kind of Crowd? If you think that Los Angeles has a bad reputation for fake people, you obviously haven't been to a city where augmenting your body is as simple as going in for a haircut.
Why you should give it a shot: It's an opera, which is hardly a bar, but when you're high on the painkiller that everybody's hooked on, Zydrate, you don't really need a Rum and Coke to tickle your fancy.

New York

Los Angeles

Chicago

Washington, DC

San Francisco

Tokyo

London

Paris

Additional Reporting by Caitlin Petrakovitz.

Gilded Cages

The Axiom (WALL*E): The luxury liner Axiom has taken humanity on a multi-generational space cruise so successful that humans have lost the drive to even contemplate leaving. But when the Axiom's marginally more self-aware captain gets it into his head that it's time to return to Earth, he learns that the ship's robots have standing orders to keep the population trapped on board — for their own good, of course.

The Community (The Giver by Lois Lowry): In the tightly regulated Community, everything is carefully structured and everyone is provided for. Most residents would never dream of leaving, but believe that if they break some of the Community's more serious rules, they'll be "released" and live outside the Community. As it turns out, however, "release" is less exile than execution.

Tally's City (The Uglies Series by Scott Westerfeld): The denizens of Tally Youngblood's post-scarcity community want for nothing. Food is plentiful, entertainment is readily available, and people are peaceful. And, once sixteen year-olds move from Uglyville to New Pretty Town, they get fresh, attractive faces and life becomes an endless series of parties. Of course, the price is a couple of intelligence-numbing lesions on your brain, and that any attempts to leave will be blocked by the fearsome Dr. Cable and her team of surgically-enhanced Specials.

The City of Domes (Logan's Run): After a population explosion resulted in disaster, it was decided that people within the City of Domes would live a life of pleasure until age 21 (or 30, depending on whether you're reading the book or watching the movie). You can try to escape before your fatal birthday, but then you have to deal with Sandmen, people employed to kill the people who run.

The Capital of Panem (The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins): In Panem, geography is destiny. Those born in the North American nation's twelve districts must endure the harsh conditions set by the Capital. But in the Capital, where citizens live lives of pleasure and ease, they're no more free. Escaping from the Capital means execution, or a life of servitude as a mute and mutilated Avox.

The Urban Monoliths (The World Inside by Robert Silverberg): The Urbmons are not actually a single city, but a series of enclosed, thousand-story buildings bursting with an ever-growing human population. People have no privacy and may never go outside, instead living hedonistic lives indoors ruled by rampant sex, prepackaged entertainment, and happiness-inducing drugs. Anyone who contemplates stepping outside the ant farm is termed a "flippo" and risks a trip down a shaft that leads into the power generator.

The Village (The Village): A less scifi example comes from M. Night Shyamalan's film about an isolated rural village. The village elders created what they believed to be a utopian society free from violence, and agreed to remain by compact, but force their children to stay inside the village limits with spooky stories of "Those We Don't Speak Of" and the occasional dose of animal mutilation.

Labor Camps

One State (We by Yevgeny Zamyatin): Perhaps the prototypical inescapable city, One State is made entirely of glass, a megacity where work and sex are under state control. When D-503 awakens to the oppression imposed by the Great Benefactor, he begins to dream of rebellion. But D-503 finds that even a mental escape from the city is temporary at best.

The Electronic Labyrinth (THX 1138): As in One State, the underground city of THX 1138, workers are completely controlled, albeit with drugs and mindless entertainment instead of indoctrination and sex. Most of the city's workers, even those in prison, can't even contemplate escape, but those that do have to face the city's police force.

City-Wide Prisons

The Village (The Prisoner): Men and women who know the secrets of the world are captured and sent to the surreal Village, a place that might be idyllic if you could ever leave it. Although there are no clear boundaries preventing escape, Rover, the Village's eerie white balloon, will be sure to nudge (or drag) an potential escapees home again.

Seahaven (The Truman Show): Only one person is actually a prisoner inside the domed town of Seahaven: Truman Burbank, unwitting star of The Truman Show. To ensure that he never leaves (or even realizes he's imprisoned in the first place), the show's creator has placed him on an invented island and saddled him with a traumatic fear of water.

The Strangers' City (Dark City): The Dark City is actually a strange urban petrie dish, a city created by the alien Strangers to stage their experiments. Most denizens don't even realize they're imprisoned by the aliens, since, along with the city, their memories are altered each day.

Vault 101 (Fallout 3): When a nuclear attack turns all of Washington, DC into a nuclear wasteland, life in a fallout shelter doesn't sound like a half-bad plan. But Vault 101 wasn't designed as a means for preserving humans to repopulate the Earth; it's rather an elaborate science experiment to test the results of indefinite isolation under an Overseer. Although no one (save the Overseer) is ever supposed to leave the Vault, a couple of folks do manage to get up to the wasted surface.

The Colony (The Island): Residents of the enclosed colony only believe that the Earth has been entirely devastated, leaving them in a comfortable facility and hoping for a ticket to "The Island," the last habitable place on Earth. But when Lincoln Six-Echo does a little sniffing around the facility, he discovers that they're not in a shelter but a prison, and that they're cloned humans made to provide spare parts to the wealthy and unscrupulous.

New York and Los Angeles (Escape from New York, Escape from LA): When crime and moral decay reach a critical mass, Manhattan — and then Los Angeles — are declared maximum-security prisons. Unlike many other urban prisons, New York and Los Angeles are fairly straight-forward, with high walls, moats, and guards keeping criminals inside.

Cities at the End of the World

Diaspar (The City and the Stars by Arthur C. Clarke): For the most part, the denizens of Diaspar feel no compulsion to ever leave their enclosed urban home. As far as they know, there are no other humans on Earth and humanity will encounter a dreaded foe if it ever again spreads into the stars. When Alvin, the first new soul born into Diaspar in seven thousand years, begins to inquire what's outside, the other residents won't even consider his questions, though he does eventually find a passage to a second civilization, and seeks to discover why the people of Diaspar are so afraid of venturing outside.

The Underground Cities (12 Monkeys): When a biological agent wipes out most of humanity, the survivors are forced underground. Until a cure can be found, there's no point in going outside unless you have a death wish. There is one way to enjoy fresh air, however: travel back in time before the virus was released.

Zion (The Matrix): In the realm of The Matrix series, humans are generally either plugged into the Matrix or living in Zion, the last human city. Ships do come and go from Zion to battle the machines or remove more humans from the Matrix, but even that must be done carefully to keep the machines from learning its location — although, in fact, the machines are already well aware of it.

Paradigm City (The Big O): After "The Event," residents of Paradigm City found themselves without memories and without a world outside their own city. Everything outside the city is a wasteland. Some folks claim to come from outside the city, but it's likely their origins are more sinister than that.

Ember (City of Ember): After an unnamed disaster, those living in the underground city of Ember believe they exist in the last inhabitable place on Earth, with no reason to leave as long as the city's generator keeps working and the lights stay on. But when the generator begins to fail, two of Ember's children must find a way to escape the city and spirit the entire community to safety.

There Be Zombies Outside

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (Land of the Dead): The survivors of the zombie apocalypse set up a haven for themselves in Pittsburgh, using the city's surrounding rivers and an electric fence to keep the undead outside. But even without the threat of a zombie attack, Pittsburgh has it share of problems, with an emerging feudal system causing tension among the living humans.

ARC Island (The Zombie Hunters): Jenny Romanchuk's zombie comic has its own haven in the form of ARC Island, which serves as a village for survivors and a research lab to find a cure. The only ones who venture into zombie-infested territory are the Zombie Hunters — still-living humans infected with a dormant form of the zombie virus.

Mary's Village (The Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan): In The Forest of Hands and Teeth, the zombie apocalypse occurred so long ago that people living inside Mary's fenced-in village hardly remember technology or the ocean. The only thing that keeps them safe from the Unconsecrated undead is a chain-link fence, which none but the most desperately suicidal pass.

Raccoon City (Resident Evil): The problem with Raccoon City isn't so much the zombies outside; it's the zombies inside. When an experiment creates a zombie outbreak, the Umbrella Corporation places the entire city under quarantine, forcing anyone who wants out to battle both zombies and private military forces.

Other Cities:

Bregna (Aeon Flux): Much like the totalitarian labor camps and gilded cages is Bregna, one of two cities in the Aeon Flux universe. In order to preserve order and keep the Breen population separate from its anarchist Monican neighbors, Trevor Goodchild has erected a small, but heavily booby-trapped Berlin Wall.

Alixus' Colony (Deep Space Nine "Paradise"): Alixus is the leader of a small human colony stranded on an Earth-like planet. With all of technology on the planet suppressed, the colonists have been unable to summon rescue, but have happily adapted to a luddite existence. But when Sisko and O'Brien find themselves trapped on the planet, they learn that Alixus has deliberately suppressed the colony's technology and isolated the planet without her neighbors' knowledge or consent.

Kandor (Superman): Once the capital city of Krypton, Kandor was miniaturized and stolen by Braniac, who kept the entire city in a bottle, lit by an artificial red sun. Superman eventually recovered the city, and it sits in the Fortress of Solitude, with city life going on until the day Superman can restore it to its original size.

Jennifer Check (Jennifer's Body)
Nature of Her Hunger: Demonic Possession — the result of a "virgin" sacrifice gone wrong.
Preferred Food Group: Boys, although she might make an exception for Amanda Seyfried.

Cal Thompson's ex-girlfriends (Peeps by Scott Westerfeld)
Nature of Their Hunger: Parasitic Infection, passed along through sexual activity.
Preferred Food Group: Whatever crosses their paths.

Lyekka (Lexx)
Nature of Her Hunger: Innate. She may look humanoid, but she's really a carnivorous plant.
Preferred Food Group: Pretty much anything and everything (including whole crews and countries at once), though she keeps her gums off the Lexx crew, out of affection for Stan.

The (Mostly Female) Carnivorous Dinosaurs of Jurassic Park (Jurassic Park)
Nature of Their Hunger: Innate. If you're going to keep Raptors and Tyrannosauri around, you have to expect a few casualties.
Preferred Food Group: Meat in general.

Heidi Barrie and Rhonda Kelley (Buffy the Vampire Slayer "The Pack")
Nature of Their Hunger: Hyena Possession, though they weren't very nice to begin with.
Preferred Food Group: High school principals.

Jodi Melville (Smallville, "Craving")
Nature of Her Hunger: Meteor-rock radiation, combined with an intense desire to be thin.
Preferred Food Group: Anything with fat on it.

Bilquis, The Queen of Sheba (American Gods by Neil Gaiman)
Nature of Her Hunger: Sacrificial. She devours men during the sex act to maintain her fertility goddess power.
Preferred Food Group: Men, though her preferred orifice for intake is not her mouth.

Zenelle (Madman)
Nature of Her Hunger: Mantis-like. Females of her species devour their mates.
Preferred Food Group: Men she's bedded, with the exception of one of the Mutant Street Beatniks, with whom she's fallen in love.

The Women of Eureka (Eureka, "Maneater")
Nature of Their Hunger: Chemical. An ancient spore turns the dial up on Carter and Dr. Stone's pheromones, and if what happened to the wolf whose lady friend got a whiff of his pheromones is any indication, the women of Eureka literally want to eat them up.
Preferred Food Group: Carter and Stone, though they never actually manage to sink their teeth into them.

Paula Gray, Doris Kearns and the Other Women of Dudley, Arkansas (The X-Files "Our Town")
Nature of Their Hunger: Cannibalism in an attempt to gain immortality.
Preferred Food Group: Anyone not in the cannibalism club. But they don't screen for diseases, and a good bit of the town ends up with Creutzfeldt-Jacob disease.

Frau Totenkinder (Fables)
Nature of Her Hunger: Sacrificial. She eats children to increase her magical power.
Preferred Food Group: Children, including her own infants.

Jillian Boone (Fringe, "Midnight")
Nature of Her Hunger: Bacterial. She's been infected with a sort of vampiric syphilis as part of an elaborate blackmail ploy.
Preferred Food Group: Spinal Fluid

The Women of Moodley (Doghouse)
Nature of Their Hunger: Infection by an Airborne Toxin.
Preferred Food Group: Men.

Giganta (DC Comics)
Nature of Her Hunger: Murderous. When you're giant, it's a handy way to dispose of people.
Preferred Food Group: Ryan Choi, The Atom, though just she ends up puking him up later.

Maryann Forrester (True Blood)
Nature of Her Hunger: Epicurean. She happens to know the perfect recipe for human (and shifter) hearts (and makes Tara an unwitting accomplice to her cannibalism), though she also needs a humanoid sacrifice for her god.
Preferred Food Group: She has a particular affinity for supernatural beings, though nothing undead.

Janet Weiss and Columbia (The Rocky Horror Picture Show)
Nature of Their Hunger: Unwitting. When you're invited to a dinner party, you generally eat what's placed in front of you.
Preferred Food Group: Meat Loaf — as in the person, not the stuff that's baked with tomato sauce.

Lizzie (My Favorite Martian)
Nature of Her Hunger: Monstrous. Thanks to a gumball that transforms humanoids into other creatures, Lizzie (who is normally shaped like Darryl Hannah) turns into a carnivorous alien beast.
Preferred Food Group: Bad guys.

Giggerota the Wicked (Lexx)
Nature of Her Hunger: Epicurean — in her words, she "likes to eat."
Preferred Food Group: Pretty much anything, although she finds brains too salty.

Audrey II (Little Shop of Horrors)
Nature of Her Hunger: Innate. She's a mean, green mother from outer space.
Preferred Food Group: Anything human.

Helen Sherman (Torchwood, "Countrycide")
Nature of Her Hunger: Epicurean. She and the other villagers happen to enjoy human flesh.
Preferred Food Group: Travelers.

Miss French (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Teacher's Pet")
Nature of Her Hunger: Mantis-Like. Actually, she is a giant praying mantis.
Preferred Food Group: Male virgins, no matter how much they boast about their supposed "experience."

Every Female Zombie Ever
Nature of Their Hunger: Innate. Fish gotta swim, zombies gotta chomp.
Preferred Food Group: Any living human, but there's sometimes a special emphasis on brains.

Now maybe you're knowingly dating a robot, or perhaps you've had one constructed for that very purpose. But if you think your guy or gal might be an artificial intelligence, but you're not sure, look for these symptoms:

You've Only Spoken to Them Online

xkcd: It's always risky dating someone online. You don't know if that cute girl you've been chatting with is really an octogenarian with great taste in movies — or a particularly sophisticated spambot. Fortunately, this savvy Internet user knows a test for artificial intelligence far more efficient that the Turing Test or the Voight-Kampff.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer "I Robot...You Jane:" We all learn a valuable lesson about chatting with strange men when sweet, awkward Willow starts an online romance with Malcolm. She thinks she's found the man of her dreams — or at least someone to help her forget Xander for a while. Tragically, "Malcolm" is actually "Moloch," an ancient demon trapped in the school's computer system whose only means of physical interaction is through a robot body.

There Are Multiple Copies

Battlestar Galactica: Glowing spines would have been a handy way to tell the Cylons from the humans, but barring that, there are a few other ways to tell if the person you're sexing up is a Cylon. Baltar and Tyrol both date Cylon women with a penchant for sabotage, but Helo gets the most definitive clue to his lady friend's true nature, when he spots her exact duplicate hanging around Caprica with a Number Six.

Star Trek "Requiem for Methuselah:" Rayna Kapec seems like the perfect woman: intelligent, beautiful, and a great pool players. It's no wonder that Captain Kirk, who falls in lust every other week, pursues her. But, alas it's not meant to be. Kirk and Spock stumble into a chamber belonging to Rayna's guardian Flint, containing several earlier gynoid versions of the lovely Rayna. The emotional impact of learning that she's a robot and being forced to choose between Kirk and Flint prove too much for Rayna's circuits to handle, prompting an irrevocable meltdown.

The Twilight Zone "In His Image:" Jessica Connelly never actually learns that Alan Talbot, the man she fell in love with, is a robot. His creator and physical doppleganger, Walter Ryder, just quietly takes his place after Alan malfunctions and starts developing homicidal impulses.

They're Three Laws Compliant

Foundation: We'd all like our significant others to respect human life and to protect us when we're in danger. But Dors Venabili, Hari Seldon's bodyguard and eventual wife, is actually programed to do just that. Seldon does suspect that she's a robot, but by then he has already fallen for her.

Their Affection Can Kill

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me: British Intelligence never bothered to tell Austin Powers that his partner and new bride Vanessa Kensington is, in fact, a fembot planted by Dr. Evil. Austin learns soon enough when Vanessa points a pair of machine guns from her breasts, though she notes he would have figured it out sooner if he'd tried a little foreplay.

Kim Possible: So the Drama: When crime-fighting teenager Kim Possible needs a date to her junior prom, new student Eric appears just in the nick of time to be Kim's first steady boyfriend. She's understandably devastated when her nemesis Dr. Drakken kidnaps her new beau, and rushes to save him. But when Kim gives the newly liberated Eric a relieved hug, he electrocutes her, revealing himself to be one of Drakken's Synthodrones.

They Dance Like No Human Dances

"Der Sandmann" by ETA Hoffmann: Summer Glau's ballerina background may have been an excuse to place the Terminator Cameron in toe shoes, but gynoids have a long history of dancing. Olimpia, for example, is quiet adept at dance as well as singing and playing the harpsichord. Many find her cold and stiff movements a bit off-putting, but Nathanael, a young student already engaged to another woman, develops a passionate obsession with her. When he learns that Olimpia was an automaton all along, he's driven mad by the revelation, leaping to his death.

Metropolis: When the Joh Fredersen and Rotwang conspire to place a robot made to resemble the popular worker leader Maria upon the working caste, they hold a dance performance to see if the people of Metropolis see her as human. It works, and the men of Metropolis are immediately captivated. It's Fredersen's son Freder, who is in love with the real Maria, who eventually recognizes that she's not the girl he fell for, and must be a copy.

They've Returned from the Dead

Machine Teen: Carly Whitmere knows that her boyfriend, Adam Aaronson, is frequently ill, but never would she guess that his bouts of illness are the result of glitches in his robotic systems. It's actually not Carly, but Adam's best friend JT who first discovers his robotic nature, and later helps repair Adam after he is seemingly shot to death.

Star Trek "What Are Little Girls Made Of?:" Starfleet had lost contact with Nurse Christine Chapel's fiance Dr. Roger Korby for several years, so she was relieved to discover him apparently alive and well on Exo III. But it turns out the Korby she encounters is not quite the man she remembers, but an android copy that the dying Korby imbued with his appearance and memories, one who firmly believes in robot supremacy.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer "Ted:" When Joyce Summers starts dating Ted Buchanan, he seems to good to be true. He's charming, a fantastic cook, and happy to spend an afternoon playing miniature golf. Unfortunately, Ted also happens to be the robotic equivalent of Bluebeard, wooing women only to later hold them captive and watch them die. Although Buffy takes an instant dislike to this interloper, and accidentally "kills" him after Ted slaps her, Joyce only catches on to Ted's evil nature when Ted returns from the dead, all glitchy and malfunctioning.

Empire State University (Marvel)
Location: New York City
Notably Villainous Alumni: Harry Osborn (Hobgoblin), Victor von Doom (Dr. Doom), Chip Martin (Schizoid Man), Emma Frost (White Queen), Michael Morbius (The Living Vampire)
Fearsome Faculty: Professor Clifton Shallot (Vulture), Edward Lansky (Lightmaster), Buck Mitty (Humbug), Harrison Turk (Lunatik), Mile Warren (Jackal)
Nefarious Features: If science-based supervillainy is your bent, consider enrolling in Empire State University, where there are plenty of professors engaging in questionable experiments. Turn into a monster, dabble in the occult sciences, or perfect your super-soldier serum in Empire State's state-of-the-art labs.

Massachusetts Academy
Location: Snow Valley, Massachusetts
Notably Villainous Alumni: The Hellions
Fearsome Faculty: Emma Frost
Nefarious Features: New England's answer to the Xavier Institute, the Massachusetts Academy was run by Emma Frost in conjunction with the Hellfire Club to train a fresh crop of supervillains. Frost's first class of mutants became the Hellions, a proud team of villains who became a perpetual thorn in the New Mutants's side. However, the school simply hasn't been the same since Frost allied herself with Charles Xavier.

Praetorian Academy (PS238)
Notably Villainous Alumni: Charles Brigman, Ron Peterson (Argonaut), Alexandra Von Fogg
Fearsome Faculty: Evil cyborg the Headmaster
Nefarious Features: In a city filled with superhero schools, Praetorian Academy services the supervillain community, offering a full range of classes for superpowered bullies and the future dictators of the world.

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (Harry Potter)
Location: Scotland
Notably Villainous Alumni: Tom Marvolo Riddle (Voldemort) and the Death Eaters
Fearsome Faculty: Quirinus Quirrell
Nefarious Features: Most of the students and staff of Hogwarts aren't homicidal racial purists, but if you swing that way, there are plenty of ways to build your evil empire. You'll find plenty of recruits in Slytherin, and while school policy is teach students to defend against dark magic, not practice it, some faculty members can be persuaded to divulge dark secrets with a little flattery.

Dakota Union High (Static Shock)
Location: Dakota City
Notably Villainous Alumni: Royce Axelrod, Madelyn Spaulding
Nefarious Features: Dakota Union is conveniently located near the Big Bang, an industrial accident that turned many of the locals, including several of the school's students. If you're looking for mutant strength or the ability to turn everyone at school into your brain puppets, Dakota Union may be for you.

Super Crazy No Way School (The Venture Bros.)
Notably Villainous Alumni: The Monarch, Baron von Underbheit, Dr. GIrlfriend, Mike Sorayama
Fearsome Faculty: Prof. Fantomas (Phantom Limb)
Nefarious Features: The unnamed alma mater of pretty much everyone in the Venture Bros. universe is the must-attend institution for anyone interested in the field of super science. It's also a great place to meet your future nemesis, and develop a lifelong grudge against the lab partner whose negligence caused you to lose your jaw bone.

Peterson School of Math and Science (Soon I Will Be Invincible)
Location: Iowa
Notably Villainous Alumni: Dr. Impossible
Nefarious Features: For the prodigy on the move, the Peterson school will nurture your burgeoning mental gifts while ensuring your social isolation from the more popular kids. Is it an incubator for the future superheroes and future supervillains of America? Maybe, but it's also a feeder for Harvard.

Smallville High (Smallville)
Location: Smallville, Kansas
Notably Villainous Alumni: Pretty much the entire student body, with a few notable exceptions.
Fearsome Faculty: Walt Arnold, Desiree Atkins
Nefarious Features: Perhaps not as adept at grooming the creme de la creme of supervillains as Excelsior Academy, Lex Luthor's alma mater, but what it lacks in quality, it makes up for in quantity of villains. With its proximity to superpower-granting meteor rocks, attending Smallville High can virtually guarantee a freaky power of your own — just don't run afoul of Clark Kent before graduation.

Hamilton Hill High School (Batman Beyond)
Location: Gotham City
Notably Villainous Alumni: Willie Watt, Carter Wilson (Terminal)
Fearsome Faculty: Ira Billings (Spellbinder)
Nefarious Features: Hamilton Hill is an ideal training ground for teens who grew up admiring the exploits of the Joker, Hamilton Hill has it all: wealthy families to rob, bullies to help you develop deep personality disorders, and the high technology to execute your crimes. And, if you can't think up an original villain persona, you can always head up your local chapter of the Jokerz.

Necessary Evil Academy (Necessary Evil)
Notably Villainous Alumni: The city's top supervillains, including the Matriarch
Fearsome Faculty: Headmaster Anti
Nefarious Features: A bona fide school for supervillains, Necessary Evil Academy offers coursework devoted to making you the best supervillain you can be. With courses in thwarting forensics, understanding mystical weapons, and investment techniques for stolen money, Necessary Evil ensures that you will be well prepared for a life of crime.

H.I.V.E. Academy (Teen Titans)
Notably Villainous Alumni: Gizmo, Jinx, Mammoth, Kid Wykkyd, Billy Numerous, Private H.I.V.E.
Fearsome Faculty: Brother Blood, The H.I.V.E. Headmistress
Nefarious Features: If you want to ensure your post-scholastic employment in the field of supervillainy, consider H.I.V.E. Academy, whose clients include such high-profile villains as Slade. And H.I.V.E. graduates have a high level of acceptance into the Brotherhood of Evil.

Sunnydale High (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
Location: Sunnydale, California
Notably Villainous Alumni: Willow Rosenberg, Amy Madison, Jonathan Levinson, Andrew Wells, Harmony Kendall and numerous others (many of whom never made it to graduation)
Nefarious Features: Want to commit unspeakable acts of evil, but lack inspiration? A few weeks at Sunnydale High, conveniently located on top of the Hellmouth, and you'll be whipping up skin-flaying magic, summoning demons, or going vampire in no time.

Evil Medical School (Austin Powers)
Notably Villainous Alumni: Dr. Evil
Nefarious Features: Unclear, but it takes six years, and chances are that graduates lord it over folks like Dr. Horrible, who have PhDs in evil horribleness.

Legion Academy (DC)
Notably Villainous Alumni: Ron-Karr, Spider-Girl, Radiation Roy, Nemesis Kid, Lightning Lord
Fearsome Faculty: Tarik the Mute
Nefarious Features: The Legion Academy has a true legacy of villainy, with its founding based on kidnapping, blackmail, and the theft of the Legion of Superheroes' training manuals. And the first class eventually graduated into their very own Legion of Supervillains.

Sith Academy
Location: Korriban
Notably Villainous Alumni: Darth Sion, Yuthura Ban, Darth Bane
Fearsome Faculty: Jorak Uln, Uthar Wynn, Qordis
Nefarious Features: Traditionally, there is one Sith Master and one apprentice, but if you want to learn to wield the Dark Side of the Force and don't want to wait around for the apprentice to murder the master, you can take up at the Sith Academy of Korriban. And if you don't get into the master school on Korribon, you can always shoot for the Sith warriror, assassin, or acolyte schools on other worlds.

1: Pump the atmosphere full of nanomachines to get "smart weather."

In Century Rain by Alastair Reynolds, people seed the oceans and the upper atmosphere with tons of tiny floating machines, "invisible to the eye, harmless to people." They controlled the weather and fixed the climate by reflecting radiation here or absorbing it there. The machines made clouds appear and disappear and controlled ocean currents. And it works — for a while. The climate starts returning to pre-2050 conditions. But then the nanomachines stop obeying orders, and even create an obscene symbol off the Bay Of Biscay "that had to be airbrushed out of every satellite image." The scientists try to release even smarter nanomachines to deal with the first batch of nanomachines and — well, you can guess how well that turns out.

2: A ring of ice.

In the Stanislaw Lem novel Fiasco, scientists launch an artificial ring of ice into the atmosphere of the planet Quinta to reduce temperatures so the oceans will recede and more land mass will be available. The mass of the ice ring is equal to around 1 percent of the oceans' volume. The protagonists speculate that the ring was created by causing lightning in the upper atmosphere to create a kind of ice rail-gun that could shoot the ice up into orbit. This being a Stanislaw Lem novel, the whole thing falls apart due to political wrangling before it can be completed, so huge chunks of ice rain down onto the planet's equator in a never-ending torrent.

3: Use special bacteria.

In the story "Noah's Ark" by Narendra Desirazu, we find bacteria on Mars, with bizarre properties — it hibernates just below the freezing point of water, but when the water melts, the bacteria goes into frantic activity to get the water to refreeze. So scientists struggle with the effort to introduce the bacteria only to the icecaps and other areas where they want to reverse melting — without letting it get into, say, our oceans and stuff. Luckily, there's a happy but "ambivalent" ending.

4: Build a giant sunshade around the Earth.

We build huge space elevators and a massive sunshade in The Night Sessions by Ken MacLeod, causing the dawn light to look all trippy:

The dawn sky glowed innumerable shades of green, from lemon to duck-egg to almost blue, like the background colour in a Hindu painting, and turned slowly to a pure deep blue over ten minutes or more as he watched. He dozed again.

Also, Arthur C. Clarke's Fountains Of Paradise includes a ring of satellites and space stations linked together around a planet's equator by cables and other connectors, which becomes an unbroken wheel of tremendous stability — which presumably can reflect a lot of sunlight. And in Clarke's Childhood's End, the Overlords are able to use polarized fields to "make the sun go out" for a particular region of South Africa, to punish the residents for depriving the white minority of civil rights. And in Venus Of Dreams by Pamela Sargent, colonists cool the planet Venus by using a giant Parasol to shade the planet, plus bombarding the planet with ice asteroids.

5: Take Earth further away from the sun.

The Futurama episode "Crimes Of The Hot" is like a smorgasbord of global-warming solutions. We learn that humans stopped global warming in the 21st century by bombarding the oceans with ice from space. And now that the planet is heating up again, due to the emissions from unsafe robots, there are a few solutions, including a giant space mirror (which goes awry) and shutting down all the robots. But in the end, the easiest solution is to have all the robots emit their exhaust at once, sending the planet further away from the sun — and giving us an extra week in each year, which can be Robot Party Week!

And in the novel The Circle: A Science Fiction Thriller by Harold R. Watson, the High Rulers Of Earth decide to haul the planet away from the sun to put it into a deep freeze for one year. At the end of that time, they'll return Earth to its original orbit. As some of the planet's icy covering melts, it'll have the effect of restoring the ozone layer, and after about five years, enough vegetation will have grown to make the planet habitable again. Suuuure.

6: Hack The Human Genome

It's a radical solution, but it might be the only way. In the story "Dear Abbey" by Terry Bisson, a group of radical environmentalists come up with a plan:

Dear Abbey is a radical, long-range plan for saving the environment that will make Ted Kaczynski look like Mother Teresa. It involves an alarmingly complex but theoretically possible piece of genetic engineering that will, let us say, severely inhibit the ability of humans to degrade the environment. Severe being the operative modifier. You can't call it terrorism because no one will be killed, directly at least, and no one will even know for sure what is happening until it has been operating for at least a decade, by which time it will be too late to undo it. The human cost will be high but not nearly as high as the cost of doing nothing, or of simply continuing with the kind of pointless stunts for which the environmental movement is known.

7: Restart the Gulf Stream

Kim Stanley Robinson is the champion of depicting environmental disasters and geo-hacking projects, and his environmental thrillers Forty Signs Of Rain and Fifty Degrees Below deal with the disastrous effects of global warming. Among other things, Fifty Degrees includes scientists trying to restart the stalled Gulf Stream. The ice caps melt completely, and in the winter, Washington, D.C. hits fifty degrees below. So an enormous fleet of ships ventures out to dump millions of tons of ice into the ocean in the hopes of rebooting the Gulf Stream. A fleet of 3,500 oil tankers is available to transport the salt, and five hundred million metric tons of salt is needed — about two years' worth of total world production.

8: Shut down all our technology

I'm still not entirely sure what happened at the end of last year's "remake" (quotation marks are necessary here) of The Day The Earth Stood Still. Keanu/Klaatu was going to unleash nanomachines to disassemble everything on Earth, because that would save the planet. You know that makes sense! And then he changed his mind and did some kind of EMP-ish thing that made all electricity go out and all technology stop working. So the human race was allowed to survive, but with no technology. Keanu is merciful! All hail Keanu!

9: Open a big hole.

Global warming? No problem! Just open a dimensional gateway and pump all the extra heat somewhere else. That's the scheme that a science whiz comes up with in the Stargate Atlantis episode "Brain Storm" (featuring Bill Nye the Science Guy, among other luminaries.) Of course, it all goes horribly wrong and the gathering of eminent scientists is in danger of freezing to death.


Also, in the Syfy movie Lost City Raiders, the world is flooded due to global warming. And the Catholic Church has the answer — an ancient hole in the ground, which will drain off all the excess water to... somewhere. But you need to find the secret hidden keys to open it. It all makes perfect sense!

10: Kill the aliens who are causing the problem in the first place.

But of course, you know deep down that global warming can't really be the result of our own completely harmless activities. There must be aliens behind it — probably evil dinosaur aliens. In the Syfy original TV movie, Heatstroke, it turns out that dinosaur people have been secretly working to pump out greenhouse gases to raise our planet's temperature and prepare the way for their invasion. But the U.S. government knows about this and sends a secret taskforce (why not a whole army? Budget constraints, I guess) to stop them. The aliens are operating on a tropical island, where an ex-swimsuit model just happens to be shooting a new calendar. It's like synergy! Oh, and there's also The Arrival directed by David Twohy, where Charlie Sheen discovers that weird double-jointed aliens are producing greenhouse gases to mess us up and transform our planet. Good thing it's Charlie Sheen, then.


Oh, and the Silurians in Doctor Who And The Silurians also have a similar idea about raising the planet's temperature, but they don't get very far with it.

Additional reporting by Alexis Brown. This post also would have been a lot harder to write without the never-ending awesomeness that is Technovelgy.com.

Thanks to Graeme McMillan, Meredith Woerner, Annalee Newitz, Lauren Davis, Briana Cavanaugh, Chris West, Jeff VanderMeer, Andrew Liptak, Pete Gofton, James McGirk, Dennis Woo, Rachael Parker, Brian Williams, Rina Weisman, Chris Hsiang, Jessy Randall, David Fraser, Tim Todd, Chris Newman and Kiriko Moth, plus anyone I missed.

Tron

This is the all-time classic of trapped-in-a-game stories, and it's the first type of story that you see a lot — hero gets sucked inside the digital/computer world, and turned glowy or avatar-y. In this case, the evil Master Control Program is trying to keep the users from monitoring its functions, because it wants to gain absolute power. So when Flynn challenges its rule, the MCP digitizes him and then forces him to take part in a series of deadly disc-throwing, bike-racing, tank-battling games against computer programs.

Running Man

There's the "guy gets sucked inside video game" story, which is like Tron. And then there's the "condemned prisoner gets forced to take part in brutal gladitorial games in an ugly unitard" story, and this is the most perfect example. Partly because it features Arnold Schwarzenegger bringing his A-game, acting wise. But also, it gets major points for use of chainsaws and barbed wire and stuff.

Star Trek: "Gamesters Of Triskelion"

And this is the third type of "trapped in a game" story. There are some vaguely superior aliens (except that they kind of suck) and they kidnap other species and force them to compete/fight for their amusement. There needs to be a gangsta rap about hustling for the quatloos.

Doctor Who: Vengeance On Varos

Doctor Who has done many, many "trapped in a game" stories. There's "Vengeance On Varos," which is pretty much the classic "prisoners forced to take part in deadly games" scenario. There's "The Five Doctors," which is the epitome of "superior aliens kidnap lesser species and play deadly games with them for amusement, with the added wrinkle that the superior aliens are the Doctor's own species. There's also "The War Games," which is what it sounds like. And "The Celestial Toymaker," which features a superior alien games master who's inexplicably Fake Chinese.

Gemini Game by Michael Scott

This is another classic standard — teenage twins Liz and BJ create a hot-selling virtual reality game called Night's Castle. But then it gets invaded by an evil virus, causing havoc. Liz and BJ are trapped inside the game trying to fix it.

Death Race 2000

In a dystopian future, the totalitarian Bipartisan Party keeps an iron grip partly by distracting the people with its televised deadly cross-country race — and top racer Frankenstein is the latest person in a long line to bear that identity, having no choice but to race and/or die. In the recent remake starring Jason Statham, it's more like Running Man — another "felons forced to take part in deadly games" type deal.

Lexx, "The Game"

Kai plays against Prince in a deadly game of chess — and if Kai loses, his crewmates will die. But if Kai wins, he gets reunited with his soul. So Kai accepts Prince's terms, and Stan and Xev get turned into literal pawns.

Deep Space Nine, "Move Along Home"

Quite possibly the most annoying episode of DS9 ever, this episode features the Wadi, aliens from the Gamma Quadrant who force Sisko, Bashir and their friends to play really dumb games, with the refrain of "Move along home," every time they complete one of the asinine challenges. And then there's also the DS9 episode where O'Brien befriends the Tosk, an alien who's been bred to be the prey in a lifelong hunt.

Dungeons & Dragons (cartoon)

A group of kids gets on a spooky roller-coaster fairground ride at a fair, and winds up pulled into the dark world of D&D, where they must play the game in order to escape. Here's a clip from "The Dragon's Graveyard," the most controversial episode, which was almost banned because of its violence and because they contemplate killing their nemesis.

"Arena" by Frederic Brown.

This famous short story is basically the same deal as the Star Trek episode of the same name: Humans are fighting a bunch of lizard aliens, so super-powerful godlike beings pick one representative of each side and force them to fight in a barren landscape. The solution to the puzzle is different, and the human actually does take the opportunity to kill his enemy. You'll have to get your entertainment right here! There's also an Outer Limits episode with a similar premise, "Fun And Games," according to Wikipedia.

Legend Of Neil

We've raved about this webseries, about a guy who gets sucked into a World Of Warcraft-style online game world, before. Neil gets drunk and plays Legend Of Zelda, and decides to masturbate while asphyxiating himself with his Nintendo game controller, which somehow leads to him getting trapped inside the game, where he hangs out with psychotic fairy Felicia Day.

Arcade

From Albert Pyun (the director who brought you Cyborg and the original Captain America), and writer David S. Goyer comes this great movie, about a video game that takes over your brain. You must win the game — or get sucked inside it forever. Or something. It's all because they used human brain cells in making their new game console. Video game developers — do not do that. Human brain cells do not belong in your wii controller. They will turn Wii Boxing into a deadly death sport. Seriously!

Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome

Two men enter — how many leave? (How many do you think?) This is another subset of the "hero forced to compete in a deadly arena" genre — here, it's humans forcing each other to take part in ritual combat in an arena. Mad Max is pitted against Stevie Wonder's second worst song, Master Blaster, and there can be only one victor. The "trial by combat" thing is a common feature in science fiction, including many many television episodes.

Spacehunter: Adventures In The Forbidden Zone

You know what's cooler than Arnold Schwarzenegger having to navigate a deadly maze of games and traps? Molly Ringwald having to do the same thing! Okay, maybe not. It's the handiwork of the evil Robodog, whose deadly maze is almost unescapable, even for classic brat-pack actors at the start of their careers.

Stargate SG-1, "Avatar."

There are at least a couple classic Stargate episodes featuring a deadly game of death — but "Avatar" is our favorite, because Teal'c kicks major ass in it. He gets stuck inside a V.R. game training module, where every time he dies, he's brought back to life. The only way out is to win or get inside the Elevator of Surrender. And every time Teal'c dies in the game, his chances of dying in real life due to a heart attack increase. Here's an awesome music video of the episode's events, to the sounds of Michael Jackson.

Philip K. Dick, Game Players Of Titan

It's a dystopian future, and the last inhabitants of a depopulated Earth amuse themselves by playing a board game known as the Game, for huge amounts of property as well as each other's wives. (Um, yeah.) The game is administered by the Vugs, amorphous gambling-loving aliens from Titan, who turn out to have different factions with their own agendas. The rules of the game start to change, and it turns out the endgame is a lot more sinister than you'd realized. Other notable Dick works: Maze Of Death, and The Three Stigmata Of Palmer Eldritch.

Farscape, "John Quixote"

Chiana brings back a fancy virtual-reality game, and Crichton gets sucked into it, finding himself reliving his exploits in the Uncharted Territories, and then moving on to a scary fantasy world. The game plays out Crichton's fears, and he encounters dark reflections of people knows in the real world.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, "The Game."

We've already made fun of the silliness of this game once before. Trust Riker to get everyone on the ship addicted to a time-waster.

Vivian Vande Velde, Heir Apparent

Fourteen-year-old Gianne is connected to a virtual reality game of kings and intrigue, only to find it has a malfunction and she must win quickly, or it will kill her.

Ben 10, "Game Over"

Here's another one we featured in our list of suckiest fictional video games. Ben gets stuck inside a really weak game involving flying discs and aerial combat — and if the game controller is turned off, he'll be trapped there forever.

X-Files, "First Person Shooter"

In this Wiliam Gibson-scripted episode, Mulder and Scully find themselves inside a VR game with sexy-but-deadly cowboys. Good thing Scully's got riot gear and funky goggles. And a virtual machine gun.

Scooby Doo And The Cyber Bunch

A group of computer nerds makes a special video game about Scooby Doo, and our heroes get digitized and beamed inside the game in a very Tron-inspired sequence. There they must face killer video game icons, deadly tests... and computerized versions of themselves.

Lost In Space, "The Deadly Games Of Gamma 6"

Faux Klingons challenge Dr. Smith and the Robinson family to a series of games of death — and if they lose, the Earth is forfeit. Here's a great scene of Daddy Robinson playing Russian Laser Roulette (which turns into a bong if it doesn't shoot) with one of the Kling-nots, who blinks first.

Existenz

This is the total classic "sucked into a video game" movie — you never quite know if our heroes have escaped from the game or not, and the scene of down-and-dirty spinal installation of a weirdly organic-looking video game port in the guy's spine is pretty memorable.

series 7: the contenders, are you afraid of the dark "tale of the pinball wizard"

Charles Stross, Glasshouse

This one is sort of a social experiment as well as a game — a group of people volunteer to be ported into random bodies inside a simulation of 1990s Earth. The better they do of embodying their pre-ordorained roles, the more points they get. But there's no way out of the game, and over time it becomes clearer that the people running it are actually trying to create a new society.

The Game

It's vaguely five minutes into the future, and Michael Douglas applies to take part in an alternate-reality game where the game intersects with your real life. He can't ever quite escape from the tentacles of intrigue and stuff. Notable for being one of the first pieces of fiction about ARGs, as well as for its sinister game/life overlap.

Saw

People are trapped in a game by a psycho who makes them do puzzles. It's like every psycho GM you've ever gamed with, rolled into one.

Cube

In this classic by Vincenzo Natali, director of the upcoming genetic thriller Splice, a group of people wake up in cube-shaped rooms in a building that turns out to be cube-shaped in turn. They have to navigate a series of deadly traps to escape from the mega-cube, but their sanity starts to come apart.

Hellraiser: Hellworld.

In the umpteenth Hellraiser movie, there's an evil game, and someone commits suicide while playing it. And then all the other players get invited to a mansion where everything is the game, and (wait for it) you can never quit playing.

Nightmares

This early 1980s horror movie features four different stories wrapped together, and one (which we featured previously) shows Emilio Estevez taking on the "Bishop Of Battle" video game — only to find that if you win, the console blows apart, and the video game monsters come into the real world and attack you.

Jumanji/Zathura

In this Robin Williams vehicle (and its quasi-sequel, directed by Jon Favreau), there's a board game and stuff from the game becomes real and invades the real world, menacing our heroes' lives. In the second movie, the board game is actually an outer space game, and the entire house gets whisked out into space, where the kids are menaced by aliens and helped by a friendly astronaut.

Evolver

Wow. How did I not know about this movie already? Every time the video game system Evolver is activated, it learns and "evolves" becoming more powerful... and more deadly. And Evolver is played by William H. Macy. And in this trailer, John "Q" DeLancie explains to us how Evolver hates to lose and will just get smarter and harder to beat, until...

Leaving aside characters with alphanumeric names (like Star Wars' R2-D2 and C-3PO), characters who also have serials number imparted to them by their governments but are not generally addressed as such (as in Nineteen Eighty-Four and The Giver), and characters whose first names happen to mean a number in a different language (as with many of the characters in Stardust and Mobile Suit Gundam), there are several characters who are either designated with or often called by a number:

Number One (Star Trek "The Cage"/"The Menagerie"): More than two decades before Captain Picard started referring to William Riker as "Number One," Majel Barrett filmed the original Star Trek pilot, where her character was known only as Number One. Like Riker, Number One was the Enterprise's first officer, but the novel Vulcan's Glory suggests Number One was her actual name, given to her because she possessed the top intellect of her planet's generation.

Number 5 (Short Circuit): Although roboticists Newton Crosby and Ben Jabituya were out to create artificial intelligence, they probably didn't expect any of their prototypes to suddenly gain sentience, and so assigned them numbers in lieu of names. But after prototype Number 5 becomes self-aware (and escapes the clutched of the US military), he decides that, as a living being, he should have a name, and calls himself Johnny Five.

Fifth (Stargate SG-1): One of the few characters with an ordinal number for a name, Fifth gets his name in a fairly straightforward manner: he's the fifth human-form Replicator to be created on the planet Halla.

V (V for Vendetta): Most people who live through encounters with the mysterious anarchist V think they're addressing him by a letter, and his propensity for using V-based alliterations when introducing himself seems to confirm this. But it's much more likely that V derives his name from the source of his vendetta; when he was subjected to medical experimentation at the Larkhill Resettlement Camp, he was the man in room five — marked with the Roman numeral "V."

Number Six (The Prisoner): Residents of the mysterious Village are known by a number rather than their actual names — including at least 16 individuals known only as "Number Two" — probably to protect the secrets they all inevitably carry. Number Six, the titular prisoner, protests in the opening that he's a free man, not a number, but it's implied that Number Six may be known by yet another number: Number One.

The Cylons (Battlestar Galactica): The creators of Battlestar Galactica have said that cylon Number Six is a tribute to The Prisoner, and it follows that each humanoid cylon model would have its own number, with the notable exception of the Final Five. Most cylon models are known collectively by a human name as well (the Sharons, the Leobens, the D'Annas), but individual Sixes tend to have individual human names, like Natalie, Caprica, Shelly, and Gina, perhaps because of they are so often used as infiltration agents.

Seven of Nine (Voyager): Names designate individuality, a concept the Borg have no use for, but sometimes it is convenient for the Collective to identify individual Borg drones. So when the formerly human Annika Hansen was assimilated into the Collective, she was given the designation Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero-One. Even once she was unhooked from the hive mind, she preferred the shortened "Seven of Nine" to her human name, the latter of which she does not take up again until her Borg implants are completely destroyed.

Eight (The Specials): It's fairly obvious how Eight earned its superhero name. A hive mind, Eight consists of eight individual bodies who can physically act independent of one another, but share a single consciousness.

Thirteen (House): As long as we're labeling House as science fiction, we may as well mention Dr. Remy Hadley, better known as Thirteen. In one of his trademark moves to dehumanize his fellowship applicants, Dr. House assigned each applicant a number (and occasionally a humiliating nickname). Thirteen really took to the numerical naming system, refusing to divulge her actual name to her fellow applicants, and continuing to answer to Thirteen long after she'd earned a place on House's team.

Henchmen 21 and 24 (The Venture Bros): With the exception of the ill-fated Speedy, each of the Monarch's henchman is known only to their boss as a number. Henchmen 21 and 24 (the former is known to his mom as Gary) are genre-savvy enough to be content with their numerical positions in the Fluttering Horde. When they learn their new teammate is Henchman 1, they rightly assess that he's marked for death.

84 (P.S. 238): In a school filled with superheroes, Julie Finster has a pretty routine set of superpowers: flight, invulnerability, speed. In fact, her power set is so ordinary that instead of getting a cool superhero name, she's just called "84," since she's the 84th person to possess that particular grouping of powers. Needless to say, it's a tad demoralizing.

Agent 99 (Get Smart): James Bond may have been called 007 from time to time, but Agent 99 takes use of her code number to the next level, never answering to any other moniker (okay, in one episode, her fiance calls her Susan Hilton, but that isn't actually her name). In fact, she married Maxwell Smart and bears him twins without him ever learning her real name, proving once and for all that she's the better spy.

Agent 355 (Y the Last Man): In the historical spy network known as the Culper Ring, there was a female agent code named 355, whose identity has never been definitively determined. Similarly, in the fictional Culper Ring of Y the Last Man, Agent 355 is a highly competent spy whose name is never revealed (at least not to the reader). Her odd relationship with her name parallels that of Alter Tse'elon, the Israel commando whose real first name is not spoken (until the end) for fear of attracting the Angel of Death.

Experiment 626 (Lilo and Stitch): The alien mad scientist Dr. Jumba Jookiba created 626 strange and dangerous lifeforms. The wanton destruction caused by the final experiment, 626, condemns them both to life in exile, but the experiment escapes to Earth, where a young Hawaiian girl names him "Stitch." Of course, once Stitch's destructive nature has been reigned in, there are still 625 other experiments to contend with.

1812 (Farscape): In terms of numbered names, the DRD robot 1812 gets his from a fairly unusual source. Instead of 1812 being a serial number or a numbered designation, it's a reference to the 1812 Overture, which Crichton teaches the little service bot to play.

Subject 781227 (Kyle XY): Zzyzx, the company funding Adam Baylin's research, saw the child-shaped being Adam Baylin developed in his lab as a biological computer rather than a person, reflected in him getting a serial number in lieu of a name. It's only after 16 years, an escape, and a bout of amnesia that Subject 781227 finally gets a name: Kyle Trager.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Riff Regan vs. Alyson Hannigan)

What they changed: Joss Whedon financed the original pilot himself, formatting it as a half-hour episode. It is, for the most part, a shortened version of "Welcome to the Hellmouth," but with different casting. The role of the Sunnydale library was played by Torrance High School's library — a much larger and airier room than the cramped Hellmouth library we've come to know and love, with a handy second floor for showing off those Buffy backflips. Instead of Ken "Hyena Chow" Lerner as Principal Flutie, we get a much more straightlaced interpretation from character actor Stephen Tobolowsky. But perhaps the biggest difference is in the role of Willow. Instead of Alyson Hannigan, the geeky witch was originally played by Riff Regan.

How might the series have been different? Flutie probably would have still ended up in the stomachs of his students, but the Scooby Gang might have never been the same. Regan's Willow was a sweet doormat, but she didn't have quite the neurotic, eager-to-please quality Hannigan brought to the role. Incidentally, it wasn't the first time Hannigan replaced an actress after the filming of a show's initial pilot. In 1989, she took over the role of Jessie Harper in the fantasy sitcom Free Spirit.

Unaired Pilot with Stephen Tobolowsky and Riff Regan:

Official Pilot — "Welcome to the Hellmouth:"

Dollhouse (Joss Whedon vs. Fox)

What they changed: The premise and the characters are the same, but the stories unfold in a rather different way. We're initially introduced to Echo through a trio of very different engagements: one philanthropic, one as a revenge date, and one where she talks down gangsters in Espagnol. Boyd is already Echo's handler, and Topher has already caught onto Echo's bison-like grouping with Victor and Sierra. Agent Paul Ballard also comes face-to-face with Echo in the original pilot...when Topher programs Echo to kill him.

How might the series have been different? The original pilot played more as the start of a noir series than as a proof-of-concept for an engagement-of-the-week serial (which is what the official pilot "Ghost" suggests). We probably would have leaped to Dollhouse's underlying plot more quickly, and spent more of the season focusing on Echo's emerging awareness. Plus, it seems the Dollhouse was originally going to be more hands on in addressing Ballard's investigation. We see some of that noir (and slightly more classically Whedonesque dialogue) in the original pilot clip below:

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (Bad-Ass Sarah vs. Vulnerable Sarah

What they changed: The most readily obvious difference between the unaired pilot and what aired on Fox is that Tim Guinee, who played Tomin in Stargate SG-1, was originally cast as Sarah's jilted fiance Charley, but was replaced in the official pilot by Dean Winters. But more significant is a key change in the final scene. In official pilot, when Sarah Connor delivers her final voiceover, we see her caress her son's face before walking into her home. In the original pilot, we instead see her pulling a gun out of its hiding place while Cameron and John sit in the same room preparing their weapons, showing that Sarah's focus is on the coming war.

How might the series have been different? It's hard to say to what extent this change represents a shift in tone across the series, but we worried that it signaled a "wimpifying" of Sarah Connor, showing her vulnerability where it could have shown her strength and determination. You can scene the unaired scenes and their official pilot counterparts below:

Life on Mars (US) (Sunny LA vs. Gritty NY)

What they changed: Pretty much whatever they could. The original pilot for the US adaptation of Life on Mars was thoroughly panned, and producers quickly moved the action from Los Angeles to New York (allowing for that Twin Towers shot), and recast several roles. Star Trek vet Colm Meaney was replaced by Harvey Keitel in the role of Gene Hunt and Gretchen Mol took over Rachelle Lefevre's role as Annie Norris (Lefevre might have experienced an unfortunate moment of deja vu when she was recently replaced in yet another role — as the vampire VIctoria in Eclipse). But beyond that, certain scenes from the original pilot were rewritten to more closely match the UK version, and made the scenes visually darker and more textured.

How might the series have been different? It simply wouldn't have been as good. The original US pilot genericized the UK version, washing it of all character. By ultimately sticking closer to the source material, the US version of Life on Mars was able to echo its tone while creating a new mythology to explain Sam Tyler's predicament.

Scene from the Unaired Pilot:

Scene from the Official Pilot:

Star Trek (Christopher Pike vs. James T. Kirk)

What they changed: The original pilot "The Cage" was a completely episode from the official Star Trek pilot "Where No Man Has Gone Before," with an almost completely different Enterprise crew. In lieu of William Shatner's syncopated Captain Kirk, Jeffrey Hunter was set to helm the ship as Captain Christopher Pike, and Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry's future wife, Majel Barrett, played his intellectual and rational second-in-command, known only as "Number One." Spock would be the sole crew member to make the transition from first pilot to official pilot, but even he would undergo some minor changes. The original pilot's Spock was known to smile and use human colloquialisms, while the final Spock inherited Number One's sense of cold, hard logic.

How might the series have been different? The basics of the Enterprise and the Federation would have remained largely the same (in fact, most of the footage from "The Cage" would be cannibalized for a later episode "The Menagerie"). But the dynamics of the crew would have been very different. Pike wasn't the emotive adventurer Kirk would be, and he wasn't cast in as nearly sharp relief against either Spock or Number One. Plus, the original pilot's entirely caucasian cast was hardly the rainbow coalition that made the final version of Star Trek such a progressive piece of television.

Original Pilot — "The Cage:"

Official Pilot — "Where No Man Has Gone Before:"

Doctor Who (The Doctor from the 49th Century vs. The Doctor from Another Time

What they changed: The original episode of the first Doctor Who serial "An Unearthly Child" has the feel of a filmed dress rehearsal, but there were a few changes made beyond tightening the performances and improving production values. The Doctor and Susan both undergo costume changes — Susan into a more casual, less futuristic look and the Doctor from a modern suit to an Edwardian one — and the Doctor is much less gruff than in the original pilot. Also, in the original pilot, the Doctor and Susan talk specifically about being from the 49th Century, rather than the being from "another time, another world."

How might the series have been different? Aside from making the First Doctor outright hostile to his new companions instead of largely indifferent to them, the original pilot is a bit less mysterious about the Doctor and Susan's origins. If it had gone to air, it might have set the stage for a Doctor who is less coy and more forthcoming.

Segment from the Original Version:

Segment from the Official Version:

Stick Around: Before landing on Taxi, Andy Kaufman shot a pilot for this futuristic sitcom. Doing a version of the "Foreign Man" schtick that would make Taxi's Latka so popular, Kaufman played Andy, an oft-malfunctioning android servant for a couple living in 2055. Vance Keefer, Andy's owner, owned an antiques shop, but was often misinformed as to the original uses of his inventory.

Red Dwarf USA: Long before the US moved The Office to Scranton, Pennsylvania, Universal Studios tried remake the hit science fiction comedy Red Dwarf for American audiences. Two pilots were shot for the US version, with different actors in the roles of Cat and Rimmer (the second pilot even pulled a gender switch on Cat, casting Terry "Jadzia Dax" Farrell in lieu of the first US pilot's Hinton Battle), but Robert Llewellyn reprised the role of Kryten in both pilots. Despite the recasting and refilming, executives were never quite pleased with the US version, and neither pilot ever aired in the US or UK.

Babylon Fields: When the dead rise from the grave in New Jersey, the don't start randomly chomping on the brains of their former friends and family members. They just want to go back to their lives — their families, their old jobs — and pick up right where they left off. The pilot episode indicated the series would be part zombie comedy (complete with a rigor mortis sex joke) and part procedural drama, with zombies seeking the help of law enforcement to solve their own murders.

Heat Vision and Jack: Ben Stiller directed the pilot episode of this send-up of the scifi action genre. Jack Black played Jack Austin, a former astronaut who became hyperintelligent after being exposed to extreme levels of solar energy. When his unemployed roommate Doug (Owen Wilson) gets zapped with a ray and merges with his motorcycle, the two team up to evade the evil forces of NASA. In a nod to his villainous roles, Ron Silver plays the NASA employee hunting down the duo — a character who just happens to be a sometimes actor named Ron Silver. The team tried to sell the series to Fox, but to no avail.

Area 57: Paul Reubens, Matthew Lillard, and Jane Lynch were signed as the on-screen comedy team for a Roswell-themed sitcom. Lillard was set to play Colonel Steven Isaacs, who had just joined a top-secret mission that involves observing a passive-aggressive alien (with some messy bodily fluids) played by Reubens. We never got to see what particular torments the captive ET had planned, since NBC failed to order the pilot.

Poochinski: Part reincarnation fantasy, part buddy cop comedy Poochinski is a bizarre chapter from the annals of poorly executed animatronics. Peter Boyle was somehow roped into this ill-conceived pilot about a murdered cop whose consciousness is somehow transferred to a bulldog. Naturally, he convinces his ex-partner to team up with him to bring his own killer to justice.

Gay Robot: Adam Sandler's bit about a sexually frustrated male robot who is attracted to human men made it into a full-fledged pilot. Comedy Central filmed the pilot in 2006 but never picked up the series, which is just as well since it felt like a Saturday Night Live sketch gone too long.

The Remnants: During the Writers' Strike, screenwriter John August teamed up with the likes of Ernie Hudson and Ze Frank to film a pilot for a possible web comedy, about a group of post-apocalyptic survivors who break into suburban houses and raid their fridges for non-perishable foods, while avoiding the human-looking monsters that lurk the streets. Ultimately, August says, they had trouble figuring out the business model, so a full series never emerged.

Where's Everett?: This proposed 1966 sitcom involved an alien ship landing in a quiet suburb and leaving an invisible baby in a basket on the doorstep of a kind-hearted human couple. The antics of an invisible infant probably sounded like a good idea until the writing staff had to come up with a second episode, but the project did have at least one feather in its cap: casting a pre-M*A*S*H Alan Alda as the adoptive father.

LAX 2194: Matthew Perry never would have been in Friends if the 1994 pilot for LAX 2194 had been picked up. The series would have starred Perry and The Drew Carey Show's Ryan Stiles as baggage handlers at a futuristic LAX Airport. In interviews, Perry seems generally relieved that he ended up sipping coffee in New York instead of handling alien suitcases in Los Angeles.

Starship Regulars: Starship Regulars was one of the early hits of online television, following the misadventures of a group of redshirts aboard a starship. Featuring the voices of Diedrich Bader and Michael Dorn, the original Flash cartoon series proved enough of a hit on Icebox.com that it was purchased by Showtime. Showtime looked into adapting the series as a full-length, live-action show, but sadly it never came to fruition.

Otocinclus batmani (Batman)

In 2007, ichthyologist Pablo Lehmann named a newly discovered species of catfish after the caped crusader. Why? Because, if you look closely at the tail, you can see the Bat Symbol. Now visitors flock to Loon Lake in Antioch, Illinois each summer to try to catch the fish.

Tarbosaurus efremovi (Ivan Yefremov)

Soviet writer Ivan Yefremov is most famous for his works of science fiction (most notably the communist utopian novel Andromeda Nebula), but he was also a paleontologist. Perhaps that's why a Russian paleontologist named this species of Tarbosaurus (a near cousin of the Tyrannosauri) after the author.

Arthurdactylus conandoylei (Arthur Conan Doyle)

Writing a book about dinosaurs is a good way to get a reptile named after you, even if Sir Arthur Conan Doyle had to wait 82 years after the publication of The Lost World for it to happen. In 1994, paleontologist Eberhard Frey and David Matrill named an entire genus of pterosaur after the author, who described a similar creature in his novel.

Irritator Challengeri (Professor Challenger)

A second dinosaur named for The Lost World, I. challengeri is named for Doyle's irritable dilettante Professor Challenger. Perhaps appropriately, I. challengeri could have eaten A. conandoylei for breakfast; a fossilized tooth from its genus was once discovered lodged in a pterosaur's neck.

Draculoides bramstokeri (Bram Stoker)

If you're going to name a critter after the author of Dracula, it had better be a bloodsucker. This Australian arachnid is known for its fang-like pedipalps, which it uses to grab and crush prey before sucking out their tasty juices. As an added bonus, this sucker lives in the darkness of caves.

Orsonwelles (Orson Welles)

Arachnologist Gusavo Hormiga named this genus of gigantic spider after writer and director Orson Welles simply because Welles was a giant of filmmaking (we're assured this is meant metaphorically). The individual species' names are subtle references to Welles' work, such as O. Bellum for War of the Worlds, O. Malas for Touch of Evil, and O. Toledus for Citizen Kane.

Serendipaceratops arthurcclarkei (Arthur C. Clarke)

2001 author Arthur C. Clarke has a slew of things named for him and his creations: the asteroid 4923 Clarke, the 2001 Mars Odyssey orbiter, and, of course, the Clarke awards. Having a species of dinosaur named after him is just icing on the namesake cake.

Borogovia (Borogoves - The Jabberwocky)

Perhaps as an attempt to lend more meaning to Lewis Carroll's famous nonsense poem, the paleontologists who named these smaller, carnivorous dinosaurs named them after the borogoves in the opening verse:

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Dracorex Hogwartsia (Hogwarts School of Wizardry)

When a 66 million year-old dinosaur that looks like a dragon was discovered in South Dakota, paleontologists decided it would be at home in the Harry Potter universe, naming it "The Dragon King of Hogwarts" after the school of wizardry. J.K. Rowling agreed that the beast looked familiar, like "a slightly less pyromaniac Hungarian Horntail."

Leucothoe tolkieni (JRR Tolkien)

There is actually no shortage of critters named for Tolkien's creations, from a hairy-footed beetle named Pericompsus bilbo to the hexapod Gollumjapyx smeagol. But the tiny shrimp-like crustacean L. tokieni is named for the man himself.

Gojirasaurus (Gojira)

It's probably not surprising that someone would eventually name a dinosaur after Japan's giant reptilian monster. But you would think they would have chosen a larger creature; Gojirasaurus is a mere 6.5 meters tall, and would tower over a human, but not the city of Tokyo.

Godzilliidae (Gojira)

Of course, this family of blind crustaceans from the class Remipedia makes Gojirasaurus look like Godzilla. It also contains two Gojira-themed geni: Godzillius, the largest of the remipedes, and Godzilligonomus, the smallest.

Pleomothra (Mothra)

Evidentally, naming remipede crustaceans after Japanese monsters became something of a convention, as another genus in the Godzilliidae family was named after the flying menace Mothra.

Sinemys gamera (Gamera)

At least Gamera was named for a creature he might actually be related to. S. gamera is a turtle from the Cretaceous Period. Though the species may have existed in Japan, the S. gamera fossils were actually found in Inner Mongolia.

Hortipes terminator (Terminator)

The Hortipes are a genus of tiny spiders that live in the soil of sub-Saharan Africa. The H. terminator was reportedly so named because the males' appendages resemble a futuristic gun.

Balnibarbi (Balnibarbi - Gulliver's Travels

Another common source of scientific names is Jonathan Swift's Gulliver's Travels. Oddly enough, this genus of trilobites gets its name from Balnibarbi, a country where science is used for foolish ends.

Laputavis (Laputa - Gulliver's Travels)

The Laputavis seems a more apt name from Jonathan Swift. Not only does it make sense to name an extinct bird for the flying castle in Gulliver's Travels, it's also a bit of a pun, as the Laputavis are related to swifts.

Sadly, no image of Laputavis was available. This is its distant relative, an Alpine Swift.

Holorusia brobdingnagia (Brobdingnags - Gulliver's Travels)

Brobdingnag is the country of giants — giant people, giant rats, giant insects. The H. brobdingnagia crane fly isn't quite as large as similar creatures in Brogdingnag (which were said to be as large as cats), but they're still sizable and annoying pests.

Jurassosaurus Nedegoapeferima (Jurassic Park)

This ankylosaurus is named not just for the film Jurassic Park, but for the cast as well. The species name is made up of letters from the actors' surnames: Sam Neil, Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum, Sir Richard Attenborough, Bob Peck, Martin Ferrero, Ariana Richards, and Joseph Mazzello. Ultimately, the genus name Jurassosaurus was dropped in favor of Tianchisaurus, but the movie-inspired species name stuck.

Conus tribblei (Tribbles - Star Trek)

You would think a species named after the fuzzy, procreation-happy pets from the original Star Trek series would be furry. Instead, we get predator sea snails. As it turns out, C. tribblei isn't named directly for the fictional pet, but for discoverer Jerry Walls actual pet, a cat named "Tribbles."

Bidenichthys beeblebroxi (Zaphod Beeblebrox - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Though you can't see it on this species of triplefin blenny (a close relation), B. bebblroxi has a false head pattern on its scales, earning it a moniker similar to that of Douglas Adams' funny two-headed alien.

Erechthias beeblebroxi (Zaphod Beeblebrox - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Once again not seen here on this related species, but the E. beeblebroxi moth's pattern create the illusion of a second head, adding it to Zaphod's two-headed naming pile.

Fiordichthys slartibartfasti (Slartibartfast - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Planet designer Slartibartfast has a particular affinity for making coastlines, especially the fjords of Norway. So this particular fishy, found only in the Fiordland of New Zealand was named in his honor.

Ninjemys (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

This horned turtle of Pleistocene epoch gets its radical name from the sewer-dwelling mutants of New York. Sadly, its existence predates the invention of the pepperoni pizza, so it was forced to live on a diet of plants.

Morlockia Garcia-Valdecasas (Morlocks - The Time Machine)

The subterranean Morlocks from H.G. Wells get their own troglodyte species named for them, a remipede crustacean found in the caves of the Bahamas.

Pimoa Cthulhu (The Call of Cthulhu)

You might have expected that a species named after Lovecraft's unspeakable horror would be a cephalopod of some kind, or at least something frighteningly monstrous. Instead, we get an ordinary American spider, one that isn't even poisonous to humans.

Han solo (Han Solo)

Giving this trilobite species the name Han solo was an excuse not only to name a creature after a character from Star Wars, but also to make a terrible pun. H. solo, is, after all, the sole member of the genus Han. Incidentally, Harrison Ford has two species named after him, the spieder Calponia harrisonfordi and the ant Pheidole harrisonfordi.

Agathidium vaderi (Darth Vader)

If there's one person that biologists can't resist naming critters after, it's Darth Vader. And entymologists Kelly Miller and Quentin Wheeler particularly love assigning beetles in the Agathidium genus unusual names. Other Agathidium species include A. bushi, A. cheneyi, and A. rumsfeldi. A. vaderi in particular gets its name from its shiny, helmet-like head.

Darthvaderum (Darth Vader)

Apparently, this genus of orbited mites got its name when the entomologist who discovered them took one look and thought of the Sith Lord.

Polemistus chewbacca, P. vaderi, and P. yoda (Chewbacca, Darth Vader, and Yoda)

It's not entirely clear why entomologists Arnold Menke and David Vincent decided to name their newly-discovered wasp species after characters from Star Wars. Apparently, they're just big fans.

The Newcomers (Alien Nation): District 9's aliens are most often compared to the Tenctonese, better known as the Newcomers. Like the D9 aliens, the Newcomers just can't catch a break. After fleeing from slavery on their own planet, a quarter of a million Newcomers land in Los Angeles to find a sometimes less than welcoming human population. Aside from the unfortunate names some INS officials assign the new arrivals (in the original movie, Matt Sykes' partner was named "Sam Francisco"), there are anti-alien Purists who think the Tenctonese should have stayed on Tencton, and plenty of murder, both from humans looking to eradicated the Newcomers and from those who would harvest their life-extending glands.

The Citizens of the Dominion (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine): With all of its explorations of race and morality, the Star Trek universe has had its fair share of oppressed species: the Troglyte miners who served their fellow Ardanans, the Romulans' Reman slaves, the Orion women (who only appear to be slaves), the Tosk who serve as prey for the Hunters' sport, the Bajorans who endure 50 years of Cardassian occupation, and, of course, anyone who encounters the Borg. But the Founders of the Dominion have a special talent for oppression, from engineering the supersoldier Jem'Hadar with an innate addiction to the drug ketracel white to infecting the Trevean with a congenital blight. Even the Vorta, who serve as the Dominion's middle managers, are mere slaves to the Founders, and are compelled to commit suicide if it serves their masters' purposes.

Clone Troopers (Star Wars): Slavery runs rampant in the Galactic Empire, with the Empire itself enslaving species like the Wookiees and the Mon Calamari wholesale, and some races, like the Twi'leks, would sell their own children into slavery in hopes of offering them a better life. And biological species buy and sell sentient droids (and ban them from their bars) without a second thought. But the genetically engineered (though otherwise human) Clone Troopers hold a special place among Star Wars' oppressed beings. Not only are they specifically grown for compulsory military service, they are essentially the property of the Galactic Republic, a government that has supposedly outlawed slavery.

The Ood (Doctor Who): Humans looking to have their own sentient slave without the guilt were told they could pick up an Ood servant with minimal damage to the conscience. After all, the Ood live to serve, right? Nothing in the Doctor's universe is ever so easy, and Donna and the Doctor soon discover that Ood Operations, the company supplying the alien servants, had cut off the Ood's telepathic link to the Ood brain, hampering their free will and leaving them to mix drinks and do laundry for their human masters.

Banik (Farscape): Oppression is a fairly widespread characteristic of the Farscape universe. Pretty much anyone living under Peacekeeper rule has a few humanoid rights trampled on (including the Peacekeepers themselves), and Scarrans have a pair of servant races who provide them with soldiers, intelligence agents, and technicians. But the Baniks hold an especially low place in the Farscape hierarchy. Having been mostly wiped out by Peacekeeper forces, the remaining Baniks have been enslaved, and the Banik Stark is repeatedly subjected to Scorpius' Aurora Chair, a torture and interrogation device. But the casual disregard for the lives of Baniks reaches its most shocking low when Scorpius purchases a lot of slaves that includes 9,999 Baniks and D'Argo's son Jothee. After he purchases the lot, Scorpius hands the slaves over to Natira, who, having no use for them, simply exterminates them all.

Sewer Mutants (Futurama): The 31st Century has little respect for humanoid or alien life, but at least most life forms are afforded the common courtesy of being able to walk the Earth's surface. Sewer mutants have no such privileges, requiring special permission to leave the subterranean ruins of New York. Sewer mutants, in turn, stick it to the sub-mutants, who are relegated to the sub-sewer (probably New York's original sewer system).

House Elves (Harry Potter): House Elves are powerful magical beings, with the ability to repel some of the most powerful wizards to come out of Hogwarts. But most of their magic goes toward serving their often less than noble wizard masters. House Elves are compelled to punish themselves if they disobey their masters or even utter an unkind word against them, and at least one ancient wizarding family held onto a gruesome tradition of decapitating elderly House Elves, then mounting their stuffed heads on the wall.

Dracs (Enemy Mine): Humans and Dracs are in the midst of a bitter war, so it's little surprise that the humans tolerate scavengers who capture Dracs for slave labor. But it also helps a brutal set of outlaws thrive without concern for human laws or Drac life.

Denizens of the Kzinti Empire (Known Space): The Kzinti began their lives in the galactic community as mercenaries, but once their Jotok clients taught them to use their weapons and technology, the Kzinti quickly turned on them, enslaving their former employers. From there, the Kzinti spread out across the galaxy, enslaving or eating any species they encountered. Although some subject worlds were more or less ignored by the Kzinti, some species were pushed off their worlds entirely, and breaking Kzinti law meant execution by hunting (usually followed by a feast featuring the accused as the main course). Even Kzin females, termed Kzinretti, are oppressed by their males, having been rendered subsapient by the hijacked Jotok technology.

Vortigaunt (Half-Life): Vortigaunts are the slaves of slaves, used by the Nihilanth as military forces or as factory workers. Although their enslavement forces the Vortigaunt to oppose Gordon Freeman in the first game, they get a bit of a happy ending when Freeman kills the Nihilanth. Once freed of their extradimensional masters, the Vortigaunts seek to keep humanity from falling to a similar fate, working against the Combine forces.

Neosapiens (Exosquad): Artificially created for life as laborers on Mars, the Neosapiens are stronger and faster than Terran humans, require little food and no sleep, and have a longer natural lifespan than their masters. You would think humans might think twice before creating such a physically advanced race only to enslave them, but they have to deal with the consequences in the ensuing rebellions. But the Neosapiens were not above creating servants of their own, engineering the animalistic Neo Warriors to serve as the Neosapiens' ground forces.

Mutants (X-Men): "Have you tried not being a mutant?" The classic line from X2 pretty much says it all. It's bad enough that the mutants have to cope with powers they don't always fully understand, or that their lives are punctuated by the occasional supervillain attack or alien invasion; they also have to cope with humans who hate and fear them, and religious fanatics who see them as an affront to God.

Cylons (Battlestar Galactica): Artificial beings have been oppressed by humans since Karel Čapek's R.U.R. premiered, and they've been turning on their masters just as long. The Cylons get bonus points, not because the nature of their oppression is unique, but because they're simultaneously portrayed as essentially human and yet dehumanized by their human enemies. Even forgetting racial slurs like "toaster" and "skin job" used to remind humans that their fleshier foes still have robot parts, there are some in the Colonial Fleet, like the rapist members of the Pegasus crew, who are inclined to treat the humanoid Cylons as warm-bodied objects. And the Cylons continue the cycle of oppression, with the humanoid Cylons effectively lobotomizing the Centurions and treating the Raiders as glorified pets.

Humans: Humans are the oppressed species nearly as often as they are the oppressors. Sometimes, we're enslaved by our own creations, as in the Matrix trilogy. Sometimes we've simply lost out as the dominant species of the planet, as in Planet of the Apes. Sometimes an alien invader simply decides we'll make good slaves, as in Stargate or Battlefield Earth. But we're a reliably plucky species, and even if we don't manage to pull ourselves out of the gutter, we don't make life easy for our oppressors.

The Thing

There are two movie versions of The Thing, which is itself based on a short story by John Campbell called "Who Goes There," but every iteration shares the same basic structure. An alien beneath the ice of Antarctica gets thawed out by a lonely group stationed on the continent during winter. It slowly picks off members of the group, perhaps most spectacularly in John Carpenter's movie version, which is packed with terrific, gory effects of alien/human slaughter.

"At the Mountains of Madness"

This classic short story by H.P. Lovecraft is about a group of explorers who discover an ancient city buried beneath the ice in an Antarctic mountain range. Within the city, they find evidence that Earth's earliest inhabitants were aliens who took up residence in the once-temperate South Pole. They lived in a state of advanced civilization, occasionally having problems with other alien groups (like Cthulhu's spawn, which live in the sea). But finally their city descended into decadence, and the polymorphous slave beings known as Shuggoths began to take over. Eventually it emerges that some of the Shuggoths still live, and the human expedition may have released them upon the world.

The X-Files movie

The 1998 movie that came out of the popular alien-paranoia TV series includes a final set of scenes that take place in a secret underground lab in Antarctica, where aliens are being studied. We know the aliens are dangerous, and are associated with the black oil that has been mind-controlling several humans in the show. As the movie ends, a spaceship beneath the lab rises up and takes off. More black oil to be unleashed on the world? Aliens finally freed from prison? We may never know.

Alien vs. Predator

A group of explorers travel to Antarctica (this plot is starting to sound familiar, isn't it?) to investigate a mysterious heat signal in an ice field. They discover a vast, underground structure that looks sort of like a temple. It turns out to be a holding tank for aliens, and a group of predators have awakened them in order to have a fun hunting expedition. Unfortunately the human explorers are caught between the predators and aliens, and some of them get used as alien-hatching vessels so the predators can have their fun. When things get out of control, the humans have to decide whether to ally themselves with the dangerous predators if they're going to escape alive – and prevent the aliens from being unleashed all over the Earth.

Alien

It's possible to claim that the original 1970s Alien movie is about ice-bound creatures awakening to kill, kill, kill. The aliens that Ripley's vessel stumbles across are on what seems to be a frozen planet.

"A Colder War"

In this short story by Charles Stross, a Cold War-era nuclear submarine finds a Cthulhu-esque creature beneath the ice. It's an even greater threat than nuclear war, and makes the cold war pale by comparison.

Mammoth

Perhaps one of the greatest kitchen-sink monsters ever created, this movie's eponymous creature is discovered frozen whole in the arctic ice. But when the ice melts and (of course) the mammoth escapes, we discover that not only is it a reanimated paleolithic beastie, but it's also controlled via wireless by a group of hostile aliens and it's got the power to suck people's lifeforce out using its trunk. So it's an alien-controlled vampire dinosaur. And it's pissed. Watch the alien vampire mammoth wreck havoc among drunken teens, including Summer Glau (!) at a rave in the forest!

Transformers

In the first Transformers movie, evil Deceptacon leader Megatron is found deep beneath the ice, and as he thaws, his evil world-destroying powers grow.

Demolition Man

In the movie version of Demolition Man, set in the near future, supercriminal Phoenix is thawed out of deep freeze to face trial. Unfortunately he kills everybody in sight and escapes, to engage in a zillion acts of crime in a city unprepared for such a dangerous criminal. Luckily the city is able to defrost our cop hero too, whose skills dealing with violence were honed during Phoenix's era.

Dinosaurus

In this flick from 1960, a team constructing a harbor on a Carribbean island accidentally unearth two dinosaurs, a T-Rex and a brontosaurus. Of course the kaiju are struck by lightning and brought back to life for a mega-rampage – though sadly they aren't controlled by aliens or capable of sucking people's souls out. A caveman is brought to life with them, and serves as is the friendly defrosted foil to the dinos.

The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms

This classic 1952 Ray Harryhausen movie basically started the giant atomic monster genre. A "Rhedosaurus" is awakened in arctic circle by atomic bombs, and unleashes monstery, claymation madness upon the world.

Doctor Who, "The Ice Warriors"

A new ice age is sweeping over the world, and a team of scientists and maniacs is desperately trying to find a way to roll back the glaciers. And then they find a weird Viking warrior-esque figure trapped in the ice for millions of years... and when the ice defrosts, the figure awakens!

Heroes

At the end of last season's superhero soap Heroes, Tracy uses her freeze-ray powers to freeze . . . herself! She goes mega-icy and then shatters into a million pieces to save the son of her dead, ultrastrong mutant genetic clone "sister" Nikki. But she'll be back this fall in the new season, all thawed out and healed up and ready to engage in all kinds of evil.

Frankenstein's Monster

In this early-70s comic from Marvel, the Frankenstein monster emerges from an arctic glacier twice: Once to battle Dracula, who injures him; and a second time in the modern world, aided by Frankenstein's distant, gothy relative Victoria Frankenstein. Though revenge and killing were among his goals after his first thaw, by the time he thawed a second time he was ready to fall in love (with Victoria) and fight for great justice (with Iron Man). Frankenstein's Monster teaches us that taking a second ice nap can be redemptive.

Terminal Freeze

In this novel by Lincoln Child, a group of explorers living in "Fear Base" underneath "Fear Glacier" encounter – surprise – something they need to be afraid of. It's a frozen, catlike creature that they plan to defrost when they return to civilization. But unfortunately it defrosts before the group makes it home, and people start dying. This is yet another tale in the sub-sub-genre established by "Who Goes There," the short story on which The Thing is based.

Criminal Activity

The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger: Involuntary time travel comes with plenty of disadvantages, not the least of which is finding yourself suddenly and unexpectedly naked without any money. Fortunately, the predestination paradox can be a handy survival tool. Time traveler Henry often finds himself sent to the same points in time and space as his younger self, and teaches him how to find clothing, pick locks, and steal wallets. It's sort of like illicit father-son bonding, just with himself.

The Joy of Sex

The Time Traveler's Wife: Another unexpected side effect of time travel is that a horny, adolescent Henry is every now and then confronted with a nearly equally young, equally horny duplicate of himself. This makes for some rather spectacular instances of masturbation, but it's really awkward when his father walks in on him.

—All You Zombies— by Robert Heinlein: The Unmarried Mother was an intersex, though apparently female, teenager who was seduced by a mysterious older man. Many years and a sex change later, she, now he, is sent back in time, where he meets and makes love to a very familiar girl.

The Man Who Folded Himself by David Gerrold: Daniel Eakins is the sort of time traveler who throws caution to the wind, sampling all that time travel has to offer: foiling assassinations, visiting great moments in history, and using his knowledge of the future to bet on the ponies. So it's no wonder that when he meets up with the same- and opposite-sex versions of himself, he tends to get it on with them.

Futurama: Bender's Big Score: When the alien nudists get a hold of the time travel code tattooed on Fry's rear end, they're mostly interested in stealing artifacts from 20th Century Earth, although they do at one point take a time out for Nudar-on-Nudar nookie.

How to Win a Fight

The Kid: Russel Dritz's dirtbag ways may go back to his childhood, when he was picked on by bullies and lost his mother to illness. When Rusty, his younger self, ambles into Russel's life, he finds there are some subtle ways that he can change the past. First on the agenda: Getting the kid into a boxing ring so he can learn how to throw a punch.

How to Become Rich and Powerful

Back to the Future, Part II: The 2015 version of Biff decides that all of his troubles would be solved his he had been extremely wealthy in the past. So he steals Doc Brown's time-traveling DeLorean and, with a 2015 sports almanac in hand, travels to 1955, when he gives the almanac to his younger self. And it seems to work: Biff is rich beyond his wildest dreams, he's quietly had his rival George McFly murdered, and he's married to George's now artificially-endowed widow Lorraine. Of course, it all goes to hell when that pesky Marty McFly appears on the scene.
Gargoyles "Vows:" In move that revealed the entire series as one big predestination paradox, David Xanatos travels back in time on his wedding day to give his younger self a collection of priceless gold coins, along with instructions on how to invest the proceeds from their sale. Is it cheating? Probably, but in Xanatos's mind, it makes him the very definition of a self-made man.

By His Bootstraps by Robert Heinlein: When Bob is pulled thirty thousand years into the future by a slightly older, though no wiser version of himself, he discovers that humans have become a primitive, compliant people. Diktor, a fellow native of the 20th Century, explains that a technologically advanced person could easily become king of these sheep-like folks, and gives Bob a list of 20th Century items to bring to the future. Bob complies, but travels to a point ten years before he meets Diktor. It takes Bob a shockingly long time to realize that he's in a Heinlein story and that he is himself Diktor.

How to Win the Girl of Your Dreams

Futurama: Bender's Big Score: Fry is distraught when Leela, the love of his life, is won over by an older and more mature stranger named Lars. When Lars is revealed to be Fry's older (and this time wiser) duplicate, Fry should probably recognize that he could woo Leela if only he'd successfully reign in his adolescent nature. But it being Fry, he fails to take the lesson to heart, and quickly moves on to another girl.

How to Travel Through Time

The Time Ships by Stephen Baxter: In Baxter's sequel to H.G. Wells The Time Machine, we learn that the Time Traveller didn't build his device completely unaided. A mysterious benefactor gave the Traveller a sample of a radioactive substance to study, a substance that ultimately makes time travel possible. Of course, like all mysterious strangers in time travel stories, the Time Traveller's benefactor is, in fact, an older version of himself.

How to Save the World

Heroes "Five Years Gone:" One of the great things about the power to travel through time is that if you get that whole "save the world" business wrong the first time, you can just keep trying. And Hiro Nakamura has the added benefit of traveling through time to change events himself, and leaving instructions for his much less bad-ass past self.

Doctor Who "Time Crash:" The Doctor meets up with himself a great deal, if for no other reason than two or three or five Doctors are better than one. But sometimes it's just to ensure a little predestination paradox magic. The Fifth Doctor watches the Tenth Doctor create an artificial supernova that cancels out a giant hole in fabric of reality. Naturally, the Tenth Doctor only knows how to do this because he watched himself do it when he was the Fifth Doctor.

Doctor Who "The Parting of the Ways:" Rose Tyler gets her own predestination paradox going when she looks into the heart of the TARDIS. The TARDIS gives her the power to transcend time and space, letting her leave the message "Bad Wolf" to herself in the past that ultimately lead Rose and the Doctor back to this time and place.

Teen Titans "Titans Tomorrow:" When the Teen Titans travel to the future, they're eager to see what they're like as adult superheroes. But the future is unexpectedly bleak, with many of the Titans turned to violence and destruction, tearing the United States in two and turning the Western half into a police state. Fortunately, the Titans are able to learn from their future selves what set these events in motion, and are able to prevent their dystopic future.

Babylon 5: To add another wrinkle in the predestination paradox, Jeffrey Sinclair finds that his entire life is being guided by his future self from the past. Sinclair eventually learns that he is the great Minbari historical figure Valen, and Sinclair must eventually travel back in time, become Valen, and write the prophesies that will guide Sinclair's life in the future. Fate, or proof that his talents transcend time and space?

Snake Eyes (GI Joe)
Silent? Yep. When rescuing his beloved Scarlett from a burning helicopter, one of the windows exploded, damaging his vocal cords. In the comics, though, he does manage to speak her name once after many years.
Deadly? Indeed.

Black Bolt
Silent? Usually, by necessity.
Deadly? Bolt's voice is his greatest weapon. With a word, he can destroy an entire city. It's a good thing he doesn't talk in his sleep.

Kevin (Sin City)
Silent? Supposedly, Kevin has a voice like an angel, but he never utters a sound, even when his limbs are being sawed off. It's pretty freaky.
Deadly? Not only is Kevin a cannibalistic serial killer, he's nearly a match for the brutish Marv in a fight.

Jaws (The Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker)
Silent? At the end of Moonraker, it's revealed he can speak, but mostly, these jaws ain't made for talking...
Deadly? ...they're made for biting people in the neck.

Duma (Sandman)
Silent? He is the fallen Angel of Silence. He can speak when he deems it absolutely necessary, however.
Deadly? His function is mainly to oversee the punishment of souls, but it's best not to mess with the rulers of Hell.

Taarna (Heavy Metal)
Silent? Yes. She might be mute, or she might simply be preoccupied with the business of killing.
Deadly? Don't let the outfit fool you. Killing is pretty much her sole function.

Karl Ruprecht Kroenen (Hellboy)
Silent? Only in the film, after cutting off his own lips, as well as other bits of himself.
Deadly? He's a Nazi with a penchant for black magic and clockwork automata. That's not a recipe for raising kittens.

Darth Maul (The Phantom Menace)
Silent? Not completely. You can't be a Sith unless you can utter a decent "Yes, Master."
Deadly? He's a master assassin, even taking down Qui-Gon Jinn, though he's ultimately no match for Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Aeon Flux (Aeon Flux)
Silent? Only in the original shorts. In the half-hour series, she gets her share of opaque dialogue.
Deadly? More so in the half-hour episodes. In the shorts, she just keeps dying.

Kazuo Kiriyama (Battle Royale)
Silent? Mostly in the book and completely in the film.
Deadly? He volunteered for the Battle Royale Program "for fun." So yes.

The Dementors (Harry Potter)
Silent? The Dementors don't precisely have mouths, just gaping holes for sucking out happy memories.
Deadly? The Dementors don't actually kill, but they do have a nasty habit of sucking out people's souls.

Oddjob (Goldfinger)
Silent? Completely. He's mute.
Deadly? He's the only man who could turn a bowler hat into a deadly weapon.

Star (Terminator Salvation)
Silent? Like a stone.
Deadly? Not so much on her own, but she helps out in the way preternaturally clever action movie kids do.

The Kabuki Twins (The Batman)
Silent? Yes, which is ironic given that they're named after a type of opera.
Deadly? I suspect the blades on their hands aren't for show.

The Feral Kid (Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior)
Silent? Not really. He speaks in grunts and groans, but doesn't have a verbal language.
Deadly? Let no one tell you that boomerangs aren't dangerous.

Awesome Andy (Marvel)
Silent? His creator, the Mad Thinker, built him as a combat drone, and didn't bother to give him the power of speech.
Deadly? He was built as a combat droid, but finds prefers office work.

Hans (You Only Live Twice)
Silent? He never speaks, although it's unclear if he can.
Deadly? He cares for Ernst Starvo Blofeld's deadly, deadly piranhas, although it's a role that backfires.

The Conundrum (The X-Files "Humbug")
Silent? Until the end of the episode.
Deadly? The Conundrum can and will eat anything, even a live person.

Jericho (Teen Titans)
Silent? As a child, his vocal cords were cut, but he can control another person's body and speak through them — and he eventually gets the power to heal himself.
Deadly? It's a powerful talent, which becomes especially clear when Jericho is possessed by demonic forces, compelling him to hijack the bodies of his fellow superheroes.

God (Dogma)
Silent? Not in heaven, but on Earth She has Alan Rickman speak on Her behalf.
Deadly? The sound of her voice will cause any mortal's head to explode.

The Gentlemen (Buffy the Vampire Slayer "Hush")
Silent? They are not only silent, they bring silence with them, unable to tolerate the sound of a human voice.
Deadly? They're big on cutting out people's hearts.

Florence (Harsh Realm)
Silent? Florence once belonged to an order of mute healers.
Deadly? Now she carries a Colt Commando.

Grawl (Bikini Planet by David S. Garnett)
Silent? Like all good fictional bodyguards, he's mute.
Deadly? He tries to kill his love interest and steal her organs.

Saturn Girl (Legion of Super-Heroes)
Silent? After the most recent reboot, Titanians (of whom Saturn Girl is one) cannot express themselves verbally, although the can communicate with others telepathically.
Deadly? With her mental powers, she can create deadly bolts of psionic energy, and, in a pinch, destroy a foe's mind.

Erich Zann ("The Music of Erich Zann" by H.P. Lovecraft)
Silent? Yes. Zann is a mute viola virtuoso.
Deadly? Because this is a Lovecraft story, naturally Zann's music summons monstrous creatures from another dimension.

Cassandra Cain (Batgirl)
Silent? Cain's brain was not trained to process language, and instead she was taught to use her language centers to read people's movements and body language.
Deadly? She started killing at the ripe old age of eight, though she eventually abandoned her assassin ways to become Batgirl.

The Captain (Hellsing)
Silent? Another silent bodyguard, the Captain never speaks.
Deadly? He's a Nazi werewolf, and possesses superhuman strength and endurance even in his human form.

Mini-Me (Austin Powers)
Silent? In the tradition of silent Bond henchmen, something in the cloning process rendered him mute.
Deadly? As much as anyone in the Austin Power's universe is. And he fights dirty.

Non (Superman)
Silent? Not completely. Thanks to a lobotomy, Non lacks the capacity for language, but he can still whimper and moan.
Deadly? Non has all of Superman's abilities with none of his impulse control, and thanks to his damaged brain can only express himself through destruction.

Syndrome (The Incredibles)

You, sir, truly are Mr. Incredible! You know, I was right to idolize you. I always knew you were tough, but tricking the probe by hiding under the bones of another super?! Oh, man! I'm still geeking out about it!

Fannish Traits: Fashioning himself as Mr. Incredible's sidekick Incredi-Boy for one, but even the business of making the ultimate superhero-killing machine and luring Mr. Incredible to his island lair to fight it was fannish in its own warped way.
What Drove Him to Evil: A demoralizing rejection at the hands of Mr. Incredible left him with a inferiority complex and bitter grudge against the superpowered community.

Henchman #21 (The Venture Bros.)

Dude I can't believe we didn't get blown up. We're like those guys on TV who never get shot. Yeah we're like main characters.

Fannish Traits: He keeps a closet full of collectible weapons, has a side job with the Atomic Comic Collection Connection, and debates whether the Smurfs are mammals. Fortunately, #21 lives in a comic book world, and his genre savvy is one of the things that keeps him alive.
What Drove Him to Evil: #21 was actually kidnapped and pressed into the Monarch's service at age 15, but he keeps up his henching because he finds it kind of awesome.

The Trio (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Warren: What the hell is that?
Andrew: Death Star, dude! Wicked, huh?
Jonathan: Uh, thermal exhaust port's above the main port, numbnuts.
Andrew: For your information, I'm using the Empire's revised design from Return of the Jedi.
Jonathan: That's a flawed design!

Fannish Traits: In addition the van with the Death Star mural, dialogue amongst the Trio (Andrew and Jonathan in particular) is a constant stream of science fiction and comic book references (notably, Jonathan claims fluency in Klingon). And their attempts at bank robbery and Slayer killing are pretty much straight out of the supervillain handbook.
What Drove Them to Evil: Repeated social, scientific, and mystical missteps, which required the Scooby Gang's constant meddling. That, and they hoped it would get them girls.

Superboy-Prime (DC Comics)

On my Earth, I read all about you, Polar Boy. You were a substitute Legionnaire who was let into the clubhouse because people felt sorry for you. Y'know, I almost feel sorry for you. Almost.

Fannish Traits: Raised in our universe reading comic books (and named after Clark Kent), Superboy-Prime is so distraught with the current direction of the DC Universe, that he tries to retcon the universe so it resembles the DC comics of his childhood.
What Drove Him to Evil: Pretty much the entire DC writing staff.

Control Freak (Teen Titans)

All these would've worked on the real Titans. It's just, your powers are... stupid! I don't wanna fight you anymore.

Fannish Traits: It's no surprise that, with his obsession with science fiction and television, Control Freak becomes an accidental fan of the Titans themselves. He's genuinely miffed when he has to face off against the Titans East instead of the main Teen Titans, and he's pissed when he realizes he's not on the list of their most notorious villains — after all, he's a recurring character.
What Drives Him to Evil: Mostly, because villains look cool.

Joe Jackson Stevens (Powers)

Every time they report about her, they ruin her. Every time they say her name, they chip away at her soul. The Indians say that a photograph steals your soul. Imagine if they are right. The world has no rights to her soul. If only I could get her attention.

Fannish Traits: Despite an avowed hatred of capes, Stevens has a profound obsession with Retro Girl, as evidenced by his diary entries and some rather sticky photos found in his apartment.
What Drove Him to Evil: Stevens is just plain unbalanced. He goes Mark David Chapman on Retro Girl because he wants to preserve her unblemished memory for the masses.

Red Mist (Kick-Ass)

Seriously. This whole superhero thing's been bubbling away for years, but you were the first to get out there and have the balls to do it, man. I'm your biggest fan. This is like meeting Elvis or something.

Fannish Traits: Mist claims to be such a huge fan of Kick-Ass (and superhero comics), that he follows Kick-Ass's lead and dons a ridiculous red suit to fight crime.
What Drove Him to Evil: It's not clear that Red Mist was ever on Kick-Ass's side, but whatever the case, he was probably getting paid good money to turn on his fellow vigilante.

Tim the Fanboy (Fans!)

These guys are the president and vice-president of a very cool club! They've fought a vampire, a mind-control conspiracy, and an ancient god! Share in the coolness! Join now!

Fannish Traits: Whereas most members of Bilberg University's Science Fiction Club are fans of science fiction, Tim is a devotee of the Club itself, turning down a spot at Harvard so he could worship at their feet. That, and he dresses like Harry Potter.
What Drove Him to Evil: Tim tends to become utterly devoted to a cause, only to turn on it completely when it lets him down in the slightest. When the Science Fiction Club is overwhelmed by the time traveling warlord General Maximillianna, Tim decides that she must be the superior moral force, and quickly joins her forces.

Ray Thompson (Justice League "Legends")

"Holy hijacking, Catman!"

Fannish Traits: Ray is so nostalgic for the superheroes of his childhood, that after they perished in a nuclear holocaust, he psychically resurrects them so they can continue their adventures.
What Drove Him to Evil: The sole survivor of the nuclear holocaust, Ray just wants to recreate the world of his idealized childhood. But when his illusion is shattered, he goes on a rampage that threatens to destroy reality.

The Mad Hatter (Batman)

As the great Lewis Carroll said: "One, two, one, two, and through and through the vorpal blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head, he went galumphing back!"

Fannish Traits: Jarvis Tetch is so obsessed with Lewis Carroll's Alice books that he dresses as the Mad Hatter, only eats hat-themed food, and constantly quotes Carroll.
What Drove Him to Evil: Psychosis. The Hatter has trouble distinguishing between Wonderland and reality, and has developed a frightening obsession with girls named Alice.

Mock Turtle (Astro City)

There was Narnia, with Caer Paravel. And Alice's Wonderland. And more. And children could find them, children like me. If I could find the right wardrobe, go through the right looking glass —

Fannish Traits: Like the Batman villain above, Martin Chefwick was obsessed with fantasy realms, including Wonderland, Narnia, and Oz. And, while he didn't mistake the real world for Wonderland, as a child he often went off in search of a gateway to a fantastical realm all his own.
What Drove Him to Evil: He wanted to impress a girl.

Stewie Griffin (Family Guy "Not All Dogs Go to Heaven")

No way, I'm getting Patrick Stewart to sign it. Picard has it all over Kirk. He's poised and measured and doesn't wear a cheap rug. Rather, he accepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says, "I am in command. You are safe with me. I will cradle you in my arms through any crisis in any galaxy."

Fannish Traits: From our list of convention disasters, Stewie built a working transporter for the sole purpose of kidnapping the entire cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation.
What Drove Him to Evil: Stewie has always been evil, but in this case, he was simply annoyed he didn't get to ask his question at the convention.

Melllvar (Futurama "Where No Fan Has Gone Before")

Fry: Melllvar's got a spaceship.
Melllvar: Yes, in mint condition... and you made me take it out of the package!

Fannish Traits: Another from our convention disasters list, Melllvar creates a paradise for the cast of the original Star Trek so he can hold his own private convention. Then he makes them battle the Planet Express crew to the death for his fanboy affection.
What Drove Him to Evil: Non-corporeal beings only seem evil until you learn that they're harmless 34 year-olds still living in their parents' basements.

Ben Meyers (Smallville "Action")

I'm sorry, Lana. But there's a hero living among us, and there's only one way he'll accept his calling. You need to die.

Fannish Traits: A fan of the Warrior Angel comic books, Meyers is upset when he learns that the hero's love interest won't die in the film adaptation like she does in the book. To maintain the purity of the movie, Meyers decides to simply kill off the actress playing the love interest himself. And, when he discovers Clark's unusual abilities, he believes Lana must endure the same fate.
What Drove Him to Evil: Hollywood's obsession with happy endings.

Mysterious Fan Boy (X-Statix)

If we're really being honest here, and I hope we are, I'd started to love the new X-Force, even though their high mortality rate did unsettle my bowels. And now they go and change the whole thing. If that was all they'd done I might be able to forgive them. But they have done the unforgivable. They've killed the best of them. I mean, how do those people expect us fans to react?

Fannish Traits: Arnie Lundberg wears his fandom proudly. He is such a huge fan of X-Force in general and U-Go Girl in particular that when his favorite team member gets killed off, he takes an entire town hostage, controlling and disfiguring its citizens, a la the Twilight Zone episode "It's a Good Life."
What Drove Him to Evil: A combination of childhood taunting, relative omnipotence, and U-Go Girl's death. But it all works out for him since he joins the newly renamed X-Statix team so they can keep an eye on him.

Comic Book Guy (The Simpsons)

Lucite...hardening. Must end life...in classic...Lorne Greene pose...from...Battlestar Galactica. Best...death...ever!

Fannish Traits: There's very little in the Comic Book Guy's life that doesn't center around fandom. And, in the Treehouse of Horror episode "Desperately Xeeking Xena," he becomes a villain known as "The Collector," who steals his favorite celebrities and places them in PET bags for safe keeping.
What Drove Him to Evil: The desire to preserve his favorite actors in mint condition.

The Catgirl Menace (Something Positive)

I'm tired of you comic creators thinking just because you make something you own it! You don't! It's ours the minute we read it! And the fans know better than you do what's right, otherwise we'd be making comics, not reading them!

Fannish Traits: Not precisely scifi, but too powerful to be ignored, the Catgirls walk around in adorable cat ears and will read anything with the word "Neko" in the title.
What Drove Them to Evil: Someone dissed their obsession du jour, Neko Neko Holy-Chan. Fortunately, they lost interest when they realized the comic creators were changing the comic in a way that disagreed with their fan fiction and shattered their little yaoi fantasies. Some creators just like their straw fans to smack you in the face.

Connor MacLeod from Highlander.

Born in 1518, he is an Immortal, doomed to walk the Earth and watch everyone he loves grow old and die — but eventually, he must battle the few other remaining Immortals for the Prize. And in the end, wait for it... there can be only one.

Captain Jack Harkness from Torchwood.

He's just your average run-of-the-mill con man from the 51st century, until he dies, and the temporarily all-powerful Rose Tyler brings him back to life. Only now, he's a "fixed point in time and space," eternally young and invulnerable forever, no matter what. His wife dies of old age, his daughter is the same age as him, and eventually (maybe) he'll be just a head in a giant jar.

Jenny Sparks from Stormwatch and The Authority.

Born in 1900, she stops aging when she reaches her 20th birthday. Maybe its to do with the fact that she's a being of pure electricity. In any case, she befriends Hitler, visits an alternate universe where she marries an alien prince, and finally gets to join two of the Wildstorm Universe's biggest super-teams, until she finally dies at age 100.

Wolverine, from the X-Men.

Logan used to be just a guy with a tremendous healing ability, but recent comics (and his new movie) revealed that he's actually ageless, and fought in the Civil War and every big war since then. He can smoke as many cigars as he wants, and he never gets weird cigar-related wrinkles. Various comics have shown him surviving long past the end of the world, or at least vastly outliving all his compatriots.

Enoch Root in Neal Stephenson's Baroque Cycle and Cryptonomicon.

One of the great mysteries of Cryptonomicon was how Enoch Root managed to show up, hale and hearty, 55 years after he dies in 1945. We eventually do learn that Root has the secret of rejuvenation, which he uses to keep himself (and sometimes others) alive.

John Carter of Mars, from the novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs.

Even before he gets whisked off to Mars, aka Barsoom, he's mysteriously gifted with eternal youth. And no matter how many times they try to kill him, he always comes back. (Although sometimes, he comes back on Earth instead of Barsoom.)

Nick Fury and (maybe) his Howling Commandos, from Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Nick Fury (the comics version, not the movie version played by Samuel L. Jackson) fought in World War II, where he gave his eye for his country. But he's miraculously still young and spry in the present day — and he didn't get frozen in an iceberg, like Captain America. Instead, Nick Fury got exposed to something called the "Infinity Formula," and (at least in some versions) so did his men, including "Dum Dum" Dugan — who's now been going by "Dum Dum" for 70 years.

Lazarus Long, from Time Enough For Love by Robert Heinlein.

Born in 1912, Lazarus Long is the third generation of a selective breeding experiment by the Ira Howard Foundaiton, so he lives for nearly two thousand years in good condition — with only the occasional rejuvenation treatment required. And he eventually finds out that he actually can't die.

Claire Bennet, from Heroes.

The cheerleader doesn't really seem to need saving — it turns out that even scooping her brains out can't kill her, and it's been hinted she'll stay young and healthy forever. At least, Sylar believes that hundreds of years from now, only he and Claire will still be running around, and eventually they'll fall in love. Or something.

Richard Alpert, from Lost.

Is he a hero? We're still not sure. He's definitely taken part in some questionable decisions, but who hasn't on this show? In any case, he's mysteriously ageless, whether we see him in 1954 or the present day. Here's hoping we find out his secret this coming season.

Runners up: Superman (who ages in some versions but not in others), Kane from the sword-and-sorcery novels by Karl Edward Wagner, Wonder Woman, Samantha from Bewitched, Dorian Grey, The Endless from Sandman, Thor, Takeshi Kovacs from Richard K. Morgan's novels, John Amsterdam in New Amsterdam, Peter Pan, Earthworm Jim, Aes Sedai from the Wheel Of Time, Kai on Lexx, and a host of robot/cyborg characters.

Additional reporting by Alexis Brown. Thanks also to Matt Jones, Ron Hogan, Ekaterina Sedia, Jason Shankel, Missy Feigum, Hiya Swanhuyser, Victor Infante, Jefferson Robbins, Jessy Randall, Stephen Tiano, Becka Robbins, Jennifer Brissett, Ashley Edward Miller, Andrew Liptak, Paul McEnery, Ryan Britt, Yoz Grahame, Shannon Rosa, Espana Sheriff, Lisa Heselton, Lane Kneedler, Naomi Alderman, Darren McKeeman, Robert Hewitt Wolfe, Shane O'Brien, Hanne Blank, Lucas Zen Hannon, Mariah Bear, Lun E'Sex, Micky Shirley, Swill Magazine, and anyone else I forgot!

Sang-hyun (Thirst): If the path to Hell is paved with good intentions, Sang-hyun sprinted down the road and locked the gate behind him. In attempt to reduce the whole of human suffering, he volunteers to be a guinea pig for the Emmanuel Virus vaccine, but the experiment goes awry, leaving the priest with an unnatural thirst for human blood. And, though he tries to keep himself from killing, the comatose patients in the hospital where he works are almost too delectable to bear.

Ivan Isaacs (Priest): There are bad-ass priests...then there are bad-ass priests who sell their souls to the devil to become even more bad-ass. Fallen priest Ivan Issacs sells his soul to Belial for a second chance at life — and vengeance. Now an undead revenant sustained by only by his rage, Isaacs stalks the midwest with a blade, a sawed-off shotgun, and his superhuman strength.

Jesse Custer (Preacher): Jesse Custer may be one of the good guys, but get him in the wrong mood, and even God Himself shakes in His cowboy boots. He starts fights at the drop of a hat, is best friends with a vampire, and when he's bound to Genesis — granting him the powers of the Word of God — he drives his foes to suicide and even commands a fellow to do unspeakable things with his own genitalia. And he's on an ultraviolent mission to find God and make Him answer for His crimes against the world.

Reverend William Stryker (X-Men): Nothing says "scary" like an imagined genocidal mission from God. As if it weren't bad enough that Stryker is on a personal mission to exterminate all mutantkind, he has to use his televangelism to recruit new hatemongers. In fact, Stryker's power and charisma as a preacher are far more frightening weapons than the Sentinel arm he picks up in his anti-mutant travels.

Bishop Antony Lilliman (V for Vendetta): Certainly the whole notion of a fascist party that constantly spies on the whole of Britain is frightening enough, but party member Bishop Lilliman is particularly creepifying with his participation in the Larkhill experiments and his penchant for ordering up little girls like they're entrees. He's so busy attempting to molest a jailbait-outfitted Evey that he can't even heed her warnings about V.

Reverend Henry Kane (Poltergeist II): Adults might be inclined to give the creepy old reverend who comes traipsing into their front yard the benefit of the doubt, but kids and dogs know when "creepy" crosses the line into "absurdly evil." Listen to your dogs, Mom and Dad, or else you'll never know when Pastor Overly Friendly is a Satanic cultist with a penchant for murdering his followers and stealing their souls.

Brother Justin Crowe (Carnivale): The Methodist answer to radio priest Charles Coughlin, Brother Justin has the added title of Creature of Darkness. He uses his radio program as a mass-scale vehicle for his supernatural powers of manipulation, bringing people's greatest sins and darkest desires to life in horrifying visions. And where manipulation fails, Justin can always draw his strength from violence, mowing innocents down with a not-so-subtle scythe.

Caleb (Buffy the Vampire Slayer): In seven seasons of villains, Caleb may have been the most chill-inducing of the lot. Nathan Fillion gave him sufficient charm to understand how he managed to lure two girls to his death, and his link with the First Evil gives him the power to defeat even the Slayers. But Caleb takes on-screen violence in the Buffyverse to an uncomfortable level when he unflinchingly stabs his thumb into Xander's eye.

Brother Blood (Teen Titans): For centuries, the Church of Blood consisted of two members: a father who held what might be the prayer shawl of Christ (and its powers of invulnerability) and a son who would eventually slay him and take his place. But one of these Brother Bloods eventually realized that religion could be used not only to attain superpowers, but to take over the world. His brainwashing, baby-stealing, no-exit cult even managed to attract powerful government officials, despite the distinctly Satanic-sounding name.

Paladin Alexander Anderson (Helsing): Alucard is the most powerful vampire on Earth, but even he is thrown off guard by the Vatican's top vampire hunter, Father Anderson. Engineered with superhuman abilities and the capacity to regenerate, Anderson himself seems, at times, more monster than man. And he'd be less fearsome if his hatred for vampires didn't extend to all non-Catholics — and if he lost that rictus grin.

Anthony Tipet (The X-Files): After getting out of prison for bludgeoning his wife to death, Tipet begins to preach the "Via Negativa," the notion that the path of darkness is the best way to get close to God. And he gets to put his philosophy into action when a super-amphetamine turns him into Freddy Krueger, granting him the ability to kill folks in their sleep, and — for creepy bonus points — opening his third eye.

The Confessor (Astro City): The Confessor may have been modeled on Batman, but he has something in common with one of the other priests on the list: Thirst's Sang-hyun. This one-time priest wears a cross to immolate his cursed flesh and focus his mind on something other than his relentless hunger for blood. But at least he's not too distracted to use his vampiric powers to fight crime.

Mr. Eko (Lost): Priest was only Mr. Eko's second job title. Earlier in life, he was a warlord and a drug smuggler, the sort of man who would threaten to burn down his own brother's church to get what he wants. And even after taking on the role of village priest to atone for a life of violence, Eko is still a man to be feared. When guerillas threaten his village and attack Eko, he still has, much to his dismay, the strength and killer instincts to take them down.

Father Grigori (Half-Life 2): Father Grigori is quite friendly when it comes to fellow zombie-killer Gordon Freeman, but he comes off as a bit unhinged as he wields his pump-action rifle (nicknamed Annabelle). Of course, if you watched your entire congregation get turned into headcrab zombies, you'd probably develop a few spooky characteristics, too.

Steve Newlin Jr. (True Blood): While not as eager to bloody his hands as the other preachers on this list, here's something creepy and off about televangelist Steve Newlin. It's not just his extreme hatred of vampires or his propensity for wearing t-shirts over button-downs. It's his unquestioning conviction in his moral and spiritual correctness, his ability to attract unfailingly like-minded worshipers, his ends-justify-the-means — and the sense that he's playing Dr. Jekyll to a gleeful (and possibly misogynistic) Mr. Hyde.

The "old soldier who gets dragged out of retirement" story is a great old chestnut. Last week, we were wondering what comes after the "young hero gets called to his/her destiny" story and the "hero tries to reject his/her heroic calling, with disastrous results" story — and the "older hero tries to retire, only to get drafted back into service" story is certainly one of the classics that comes afterwards. It's just that it comes long, long after the "young hero is called for the first time" story.

We won't touch on its close relative, the "getting the old starship crew back together" story, in this post — but we'll deal with it next week. For now, though, here are 20 great heroes who didn't quite manage to give up all the excitement for good:

Widowmaker by Mike Resnick
Who comes out of retirement? Jefferson Nighthawk, the awesome bounty hunter also known as — wait for it — the Widowmaker.
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? Nighthawk was frozen for a century to keep a deadly disease at bay. But now the costs of his care have risen, plus there's a dreaded assassin causing chaos on the frontier, so Nighthawk has to come back out of retirement one last time.

Heretics Of Dune by Frank Herbert
Who comes out of retirement? Miles Teg, military genius and former Supreme Bashar of the Bene Gesserit.
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? Bene Gesserit Mother Superior Taraza seeks out Teg at his family home on the planet Lernaeus, hoping he'll mentor the new Duncan Idaho. And then he gets drawn into a sinkhole of intrigue, torture and super-speed powers.

Doctor Who: Battlefield
Who comes out of retirement? Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart, retd.
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? Strange, ominous goings on! Arthurian knights in power armor. England's greatest need! But mostly, the Doctor needs someone to give him his yellow roadster back.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, "All Good Things".
Who comes out of retirement? Jean-Luc Picard
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? He starts having weird timey wimey stuff, involving a crack in space. Everybody thinks it's just a crack in his brain, until they learn better. Sort of.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Who comes out of retirement? Spock
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? He's on the verge of embracing universal logic through the Kohlinar ritual, and becoming some kind of logial monk, when V'Ger calls to him. Also, Kirk sort of comes back from his semi-retirement behind a desk.

Metal Gear Solid: The novelization
Who comes out of retirement? Solid Snake, a former agent of FOXHOUND.
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? Worldwide crisis, man! Genetically engineered agents are stealing warheads, and only another genetically engineered ubermensch can stop them!

The Last Colony by John Scalzi
Who comes out of retirement? John Perry and Joan Sagan.
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? They're needed to lead a new "seed" colony of 2500 people, representing people from 10 existing colony worlds.

Use Of Weapons by Iain M. Banks
Who comes out of retirement? Culture agent Cheradenine Zakalwe.
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? He's had enough of doing the Culture's dirty work, but Diziet Sma needs him to do one last job — and Zakalwe will make them pay handsomely this time around.

Blade Runner
Who comes out of retirement? Former "Blade Runner" Rick Deckard
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? Fellow "Blade Runner" Holden got shot, administering a Voight-Kampff test to a Replicant, so Deckard has to step back in. If he doesn't agree to play along, he'll just be one of the "little people," and we all know what happens to them. And don't ask who the origami unicorn sings for — it probably sings for you.

X-Files: I Want To Believe
Who comes out of retirement? Fox Mulder
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? The FBI promises to call off the manhunt for the elusive Mulder in return for his help in the search of several missing women.

The Affinity Trap by Martin Sketchley
Who comes out of retirement? Alexander Delgado
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? Alexander is asked by Earth's military dictator to escort alien Seriatt named Lycern on a diplomatic mission.

Watchmen
Who comes out of retirement? Nite Owl II
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? After the murder of a former colleague Nite Owl can't help but return to old habits especially with Silk Spectre and Rorschach egging him on.

Chindi by Jack McDevitt
Who comes out of retirement? Hutch
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? In a desperate attempt to find Spacefaring alien life Priscilla "Hutch" Hutchkins accepts one final flight in search of an alien race.

Masters Of Science Fiction, "Awakening"
Who comes out of retirement? Major Albert Skinner (Terry O'Quinn)
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? The X-Files' cigarette smoking man seems to have trouble keeping his alien invasions under control, so he calls on the retired UFO professional to help him out, in this segment based on the story by Howard Fast.

Batman: The Brave and the Bold
Who comes out of retirement? Wildcat
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? Lonely and depressed and sparring with Batman in his boxing gm, he decides to venture out into crime fighting again to see if he's still got it.

Stargate: SG-1
Who comes out of retirement?Col. Jack O'Neill
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? After the Stargate is deciphered, he's recalled to duty because he's the only guy who can handle the situation.

The Diamond Age by Neal Stephenson
Who comes out of retirement? Constable Moore
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? Constable Moore gets back into his powered Hoplite armor for the war against the Fists of Righteous Harmony.

Star Wars
Who comes out of retirement? Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? After Luke Skywalker's adoptive parents are killed Obi-Wan decides that it is finally time for Luke to assert his role as a Jedi.

The Fifth Element
Who comes out of retirement? Korben Dallas
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? As a former major in the Federated Army's Special Forces Korben finds himself accidentally entangled in an Apocalyptic race against time.

Escape from New York
Who comes out of retirement? Snake Plissken
Why can't they let an old soldier rest? After robbing the Ferderal Reserve Depositiory, Snake Plissken, a former soldier is one of the U.S.' most infamous criminals. He's called out to rescue the President after he's been taken hostage in the country's largest prison, New York.

This list is really only scratching the surface of a venerable cliche. What classics did we leave out?

Additional reporting by Alexis Brown, who heroically stepped into finish writing up this feature after Comic Con ate our brains. And thanks also to Ashley Edward Miller, Robert Hewitt Wolfe, Richard Hartzell, James Limbach, Chris Hsiang, Georgie Thomas and Drax Ireland, plus anyone else I missed.

Galaxy Quest: Granted, the worst thing that happened at the actual convention celebrating the long-cancelled (and nonexistent) TV show Galaxy Quest was its star getting wasted and telling off a fan. But a long ways away, the Thermians were experiencing the minor crisis of genocidal war. For them, the convention is a bit of a salvation, as it puts them in touch with the actor they mistakenly believe to be the heroic Capitain Peter Taggart.

Futurama "Where No Fan Has Gone Before": Yes, the slaughter of all Star Trek fans (whose conventions had evolved into religious ceremonies) was pretty horrible, but the cast of the original Star Trek series seemed more miffed by the actions of noncorporeal fanboy Melllvar, who stages the most annoying Star Trek convention ever, and forces them to battle the crew of Planet Express.

Family Guy "Not All Dogs Go to Heaven": After watching the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation field a litany of irrelevant fan questions, a frustrated Stewie builds a transporter and kidnaps the actors to stage his own personal Star Trek convention (taking a page, it seems, from Futurama's Melllvar). And, in the spirit of the show, he kills off Denise Crosby early on.

Family Guy's Stewie meets Star Trek The Next Generation from Work Avoidance on Vimeo.

CSI "A Space Oddity" and "Fur and Loathing": Some fans will take drastic measures to keep their favorite shows from getting remade. In "A Space Oddity," a filmmaker looking to remake the cult TV show Astro Quest turns up murdered. As if that weren't a sufficiently obvious reference to Battlestar Galactica, Grace Park, Kate Vernon, Rekha Sharma, and Ron D. Moore all have cameos.

Perhaps more notorious is the episode "Fur and Loathing," where a dead murder victim is found wearing a raccoon fursuit, leading the CSI team to a furry convention. But it's portrayed as less a fan convention than an opportunity for costumed attendees to "yiff" one another.

Mr. Monk in Outer Space by Lee Goldberg: How do you get away with murdering a science fiction creator? Dress as one of the show's most popular characters and escape into the convention. That's the set-up for the fifth Monk novel, where Monk must investigate the creator of the fictional scifi drama Beyond Earth, and rely on his agoraphobic fanboy brother to help identify the killer.

Bones "The Princess and the Pear": When a booth babe from a science fiction and fantasy convention is found decomposing in a nearby sewer pipe, her fellow convention-goers seem less concerned for her well-being than for the fate of a sword she owned, a prop from an early fantasy film. The otherwise geeky team is out of their element here, relying on gloomy intern Colin Fisher and wunderkind psychologist Lance Sweets (who, amusingly enough, dons a redshirt Star Trek uniform) to infiltrate the con.

Numb3rs "Graphic": Admittedly, this episode of Numb3rs has occupies a soft spot in my heart, and not for the theft-of-priceless-comic-book-ends-in-murder primary plotline. It's because in addition to Numb3rs star David "Mr. Universe" Krumholt, it features Wil Wheaton as a douchebag collector.

Bimbos of the Death Sun by Sharyn McCrumb: Sharyn McCrumb's novel is an object lesson for all crotchety creators. Appin Dungannon is a fantasy author whose temper is so legendary that his fans attend conventions just to watch him throw furniture. When the small-statured author winds up dead, a hard science fiction author (implausibly named James O. Mega) has to figure out if one of Dungannon's fans took his insults to heart.

Deep Secret by Diana Wynne Jones: Jones' novel brings the entire multiverse down on an unsuspecting scifi and fantasy convention. Rupert is a Magid, a sort of magical lobbyist aiming to make Earth more magic-friendly. When his mentor dies, Rupert must take on an apprentice, and he gathers all the likely candidates at science fiction convention. Naturally, when things go awry, all multiverse breaks loose, leaving the convention vulnerable to rampant centaurs and assassins.

Atomic Betty "Cosmic Comicon": Conventions just wouldn't be the same without the occasional supervillain attack. When Atomic Betty's pal Noah publishes Atomic Chick a comic book based on her adventures, Dr. Cerebral becomes confused by a fan cosplaying "Dr. Brainy," and launches an attack on the convention. But, fortunately, a group of cosplayers portraying Atomic Chick make short work of him.

Link:

Sandman "The Doll's House": The "cereal convention" described in the second arc of Neil Gaiman's epic comic series isn't precisely a fan convention, but it's too weird and disturbing to ignore. Like any other group of professionals, serial killers apparently need to meet, hold panels, and swap trade secrets. But woe unto any tourist who inadvertently wanders into panels titled, "Women in Serial Killing" or "There is No Sanity Clause."

Power Rangers: Dino Thunder "Drawn into Danger": Who knew that Artists' Alley could be weaponized? The Power Rangers run into typical trouble at a comic convention, where their nemesis/high school principal hands a famous comic book artist a magical pen that traps the Rangers in a superpowered battle with the latest monster of the week, Fridgia.

Roswell "The Convention": It's no surprise that the city of Roswell, New Mexico, would attract the occasional alien enthusiast convention. And, given that Jonathan Frakes numbers among Roswell's executive producers, it's hardly shocking that Commander Riker would make a guest appearance. What couldn't be anticipated is the bloodshed that ensues when a conspiracy theorist meets up with an actual alien.

The Simpsons "Mayored to the Mob": Generally, the worst thing to hit Springfield fan conventions is the Comic Book Guy and his perpetually superior attitude. But during one ""Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con," a riot sparks, threatening to kill Star Wars actor Mark Hamill. And in, a first for celebrity guest stars on The Simpsons, Hamill finds Homer Jay Simpson is his only hope.

Star Trek: The Federation may have given us huge advances in transportation and energy-matter conversion, but their toilet technology is decidedly dull. The most advanced feature on the brig toilet seen in The Undiscovered Country is that it pops out of the wall. And, sadly, Federation loos are hardly immune to wear and tear; at one point during the Voyager's journey, the ship was down to a mere four functional lavs. And, if Jonathan Frakes is to be believed, the situation on the Enterprise-D is even more dire:

Galaxy Quest: In a bit of oversight, the creators of the non-existent television series Galaxy Quest failed to include even a single bathroom in the official blueprints for the NSEA Protector. Fortunately, a deleted scene reveals that, despite mistaking the TV episodes for actual historical documents, those ingenious Thermians recognized the need for mammalian waste extraction. It probably works, but by the time you figure out how, it would be far too late:

Dr. Lazarus - Galaxy Quest

Lexx: Off-beat space opera Lexx never shied away from toilet humor, so it figures that the ship's toilet would be, well, humorous. The titular living ship naturally has an organic lavatory, complete with a tongue, so you can finish your bowel movement with that fresh, just-licked-by-a-giant-space-bug clean feeling.

Babylon 5: The Babylon 5 space station plays host to a number of species, many with unique physiological properties. While human males can opt for the classic urinal, station toilets come equipped with attachments to accommodate other anatomies. As for species with more offensive excretory processes – such as the carrion-eating pak'ma'ra – they get their own facilities.

Firefly: As a general rule, everything on the smuggling ship Serenity is always breaking down, but the toilets seem to be the only things Kaylee isn't constantly repairing. Perhaps that's because they're the model of simplicity: sleeping-car style cans that, like the Federation brig toilets, pull out from the wall.

My Teacher Glows in the Dark by Bruce Coville: When Peter Thompson travels through space to meet with an interplanetary council, he discovers that the most difficult part of the mission may not be convincing the aliens not to destroy humanity, but figuring out how to use the facilities:

Give me the code for a bathroom, please," I said to the URAT.

"Insufficient data."

"What do you mean?" I cried, crossing my legs.

"I do not know what kind of bathroom you need. We have fifty-three different types of facilities."

I remembered the octopi toilets, or whatever they were, that I had seen on the first chart. Given the variety of aliens I had met already, it made sense that the ship needed a lot of different bathrooms.

"I'm glad I'm not the plumber for this place," I muttered.

"Yes," agreed the URAT, "that would be a disaster."

"Look, I don't need to be insulted by a machine. Just tell me how to find a bathroom!"

The URAT informed me that it needed to know more about me. After it had asked fifteen or twenty questions, some of them very personal, it finally gave me a bathroom code.

Not a moment too soon! I thought, as I punched the code into the control pad. I stepped into a bathroom that was only mildly odd – which is to say that it only took me about five minutes (five desperate minutes) to figure out how to use it.

Battlestar Galactica: The bathroom holds particular dramatic significance for BSG's doctor/Cylon collaborator/nymph squad prophet Gaius Baltar. It's where Laura Roslin asks him to be her vice president – and where she later threatens to hang his presidential portrait. It's also where he gets stared down by a supremely pissed-off (and audibly pissing) Starbuck. Of course, while the toilets in the Colonial Fleet seem to work, there's never enough toilet paper and the stall doors just won't stay closed.

Life, the Universe and Everything by Douglas Adams: The Starship Bistromath does away with the need for plumbing altogether. By placing the teleportation cubicles in the bathrooms, Slartibartfast has ensured that any toilet issues can be resolved by simply teleporting the offending substances elsewhere.

Star Kid: When Spencer Griffith finds an alien Cybersuit, the issue isn't whether the suit's functions (including one for waste collection) work, it's whether Spencer can think of the proper term for communicating his rather urgent needs to the suit's AI (starting at 9:58):

Legion flight rings in Legion Of Super Heroes. The super-powered teenagers have a whole variety of powers and special gifts, but they can all fly — thanks to these gravity-negating rings. And ne'er-do-well time traveler Booster Gold also got hold of one of these rings and took it back to our time, using it to become a superhero.

Time Ring in Doctor Who, "Genesis Of The Daleks" Despite the name, it's more of a bracelet — when the Doctor gets separated rom his time machine, the TARDIS, his people give him a special bracelet that allows him to travel through time and space. That way, he can visit the birthplace of the Daleks without bringing along a conspicuous blue phone booth.

The Planeteers' rings in Captain Planet and the Planeteers. These five rings give the Planeteers control over the four elements, plus Heart. (The band, I guess.) And when you put all five rings together, you can summon Captain Planet himself.

The tiara, bracelets and girdle in Wonder Woman. Diana has many amazing powers, but chief among them is the ability to accessorize. Her bracelets can repel bullets, her lariat is the only effective lie-detector William Moulton Marston ever came up with, and her tiara can be thrown much like a Batarang. In some versions, her girdle is also superpowered.

Frodo's ring in Lord Of The Rings. Not really science fiction, but still an important piece of super-powered jewelry. It lets you turn invisible, but too bad about the "corrupting your soul" and "letting Sauron's evil minions know where you are" stuff. I'll let Flight Of The Conchords explain it to you.

Rowena Ravenclaw's diadem in Harry Potter. This tiara-like thing was supposed to increase the wisdom of the wearer, but after Helena Ravenclaw stole it, it fell into the hands of Voldemort, who used it to make one of his horcruxes. So yeah, not all that wise really.

Pancho's jewelry in The Silent War by Ben Bova. Pancho, who's a woman despite her male name, has a whole set of weaponized jewelry, including an explodng necklace she can throw at bad guys, and earrings packed with miniature instruments of death.

Eddie Murphy's ring in A Vampire In Brooklyn. Apparently it not only turned whoever wore it next into a vampire, it also gave you bigger male endowment. Which makes total sense. Sort of.

Karolina's medic alert bracelet in Runaways. The alien Karolina Dean looks quite different from her fellow adventurers — unless she wears her special alien bracelet that allows her to appear perfectly human. Eventually, she learns to live without it.

The Flash's ring in The Flash. Almost forgot this one. Wally West would be naked without this piece of jewelry, since it contains his entire costume, super-compressed. The costume expands to clothe Wally almost instantly when he presses his ring. Or something.

The Mystical Amulet of Right in Captain Britain. I guess if you're wearing something with a name like that, you'd better know what you're doing. Wearing this turns Brian Braddock into Captain Britain, and it's part of the power to reshape the Multiverse.

Congo Bill's ring, from Congorilla. Congo Bill and the gorilla known as Congorilla wear matching rings, and when Congo Bill needs a little gorilla strength, or just a little "me" time, he can transfer his brain into Congorilla's body, and vice versa, by rubbing the ring. And no, "rubbing the ring to unleash the gorilla" is not a euphemism for anything.

The brooch in Beast Master's Quest by Andre Norton and Lyn McConchie. Laris, like most people on Arzor, carries her personal communicator disguised as a brooch or pendant. This saves her from having it taken away. "Even the detestable V'a'een must have assumed the communicator to be only a brooch and chosen not to take that away from her."

The tiara in Sailor Moon. I'm not exactly sure what Sailor Moon's tiara does, but it's pretty disco-tastic, and you probably wouldn't want her to throw it at you:

The pendant in "A Little Peace And Quiet," The Twilight Zone. Harrassed housewife Penny finds a pendant that stops time whenever she screams "SHUT UP!" But then she stops time just as nuclear missiles are about to wipe out her town. What to do?

Mrs. Brisby's amulet in Secret Of N.I.M.H. The old rat named Nicodemus finds a gold amulet which has mysterious powers, and he eventually passes it on to the meek field mouse Mrs. Brisby, in this film adaptation. Eventually, she's able to use it to jack up a house.

Necklaces in The Urth Of The New Sun by Gene Wolfe. Before going on deck in one of the "ships that sail between the suns," you must put on an artificial personal atmosphere, which consists of a necklace of linked cylinders. Throughout the novel, Severian is constantly worrying about his necklace and whether it's been damaged, since it's a lifeline.

The Foxhead Medallion in The Wheel Of Time by Robert Jordan. Another fantasy one — Mat Cauthon gets this nice piece of bling after passing through the Rhuidean twisted-door ter'angreal. It protects against the One Power.

Necklaces in Ragamuffin by Tobias Buckell. Nashara has a necklace that seems pretty all purpose. You can put the pendant in your ear to use it as a communication/translation device. It also has some computer read-outs that let you know your status among the alien Gahe, and there's a remote-control function as well.

The Gem of Amara in Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Angel. In the big cross-over episode between Buffy and Angel, a magical ring allows Spike to become invincible, and to wander out in the daytime. Too bad it falls into the sweaty hands of an evil sadist whom Spike hires to terrorize Angel.

The Thing's ring in his 1970s cartoon. Apparently instead of being stuck as the rocky-skinned Thing, Ben Grimm had a ring that allowed him to change back and forth. He would chant, "Thing Ring, Do Your Thing!" Okay then.

The Eye Of Agamotto in Doctor Strange. That's some serious glam-booty jewelry right there. Doctor Strange sports a nice brooch holding his cloak together, which is also one of the major sources of his awesome powers. Plus it helps him blend in in Greenwich Village.

The bracelet in Dial H For H.E.R.O. It's sort of a bracelet, sort of a watch. Mostly, it's a dial that turns you into a different superpowered being every time you use it.

The quantum bands in Quasar. This superhero wears fancy bracelets (sort of like wrist braces for RSIs) with super-powered jewels on them that allow him to tap into the Quantum Zone. They're fused to his wrists, but he eventually loses them to various other characters, including Phyla-Vell. In similar fashion, Captain Marvel and Rick Jones wear "Nega-Bands" that enable them to switch places.

Freedom Ring's ring in Marvel Comics. Apparently he was a short-lived gay superhero in the Marvel Universe, who only existed long enough to get killed off and make for some yummy pathos. He gets hold of a ring that alters the very fabric of reality, which a supervillain named the Patternmaster dropped, and finds out its special abilities when he accidentally creates an ice-cream sundae. Later, he uses the ring to restore his legs after he loses them, and then to make himself stronger and faster. But then he dies. Oh well.

The Mandarin's ten rings in Iron Man. This somewhat caricaturish Asian villain has ten rings that give him absolute power, except when he's facing a guy in powered armor. I do like the "anti-technology field" though.

Lex Luthor's kryptonite ring in Superman. The bald eagle of evil makes a special ring with a kryptonite setting, so he can bring the Man of Steel to his knees. But it costs Lex his hand due to radiation exposure. Later, Batman gets hold of it, and keeps it in his belt pouch, where the radiation will only affect body areas adjacent to Batman's belt. Nothing to worry about.

Additional reporting by Alexis Brown. Thanks also to Kaila Hale-Stern, Hiya Swanhuyser, Meredith Woerner, Dorian Katz, Mathtew Cokeley, S. Bear Bergman, Rachael Parker, Morgan Johnson, Brian Williams, Rus McLaughlin, Austin Grossmna, Douglas Wolk, Kiala Kazebee, Luis Alberto Urrea, Cindy Urrea, Genevieve Valentine, and @CleverUserName, @Soapboxx, @Dahveed76 and @Nightwyrm on Twitter. And, as is always the case with these sorts of articles, I found this great round-up of comic book rings at Comics Should Be Good right when I was about to be done researching this piece. But it's great stuff.

I think there's an argument to be made that lawyers are underrepresented in science fiction, at least relative to their prevalence in other genres. Compared to, say, doctors, who show up all the time in pretty much every science fiction show (as an earlier post on this very site once examined), you generally need a pretty specific reason to bring a lawyer onto the scene, and a lot of the time even a trial won't do it.

After all, how many times have science fiction protagonists found themselves in kangaroo courts, forced to offer their own best defense? There's apparently not much of a right to legal representation in the future. For instance, roughly half of all Doctor Who stories find the Doctor under arrest for one reason or another, and I can't name a single character in the entire history who could really be considered a lawyer (with the possible exception of the Valeyard, which I'm not counting for so many reasons).

That's not to say there aren't any great lawyers in science fiction - far from it. Here are some of the best.

Samuel T. Cogley, Star Trek

In most of the trials seen over the course of the Star Trek franchise's long history, the defendants simply represented themselves. This probably had something to do with the fact that the characters were all in the military, but it's just as likely that this made it easier to give the show's stars big dramatic speeches. (Seriously, check out this list of the show's "lawyers" from Memory Alpha. It's basically just a list of the various shows' captains and first officers.)

But, when Kirk found himself faced with a case even he could not theatrically bluster his way out of - and keep in mind we're talking about William Shatner at the height of his hammy powers here, so this is a seriously impossible case we're talking about - he turned to super-lawyer Samuel T. Cogley to lead his defense. Famous for his Luddite tendencies, which included such eccentricities as reading books on paper instead of on computer. Not one to do anything halfway, Cogley's spirited defense included references to "the Bible, the Code of Hammurabi and of Justinian, the Magna Carta, the United States Constitution, the Fundamental Declarations of the Martian colonies and the Statutes of Alpha III", all of which I plan on citing as precedents should I ever find myself standing before a judge.

Cogley's defense didn't exactly lead to an acquittal, but it did provide Kirk and Spock enough time to prove the man Kirk had supposedly murdered was, in fact, alive and well and tampering with the ship's systems. With his case concluded, Cogley decided to move on to defending Kirk's supposed victim, noting he felt very good about his chances.

And let's also give a quick shout-out to Worf's grandfather, who was also called Worf, for his thankless job advocating for Kirk and McCoy at their Klingon show trial in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country. Although I must admit that that throwaway cameo originally left me with the mistaken impression that Lieutenant Worf was about 150 years old by the time of The Next Generation.

Romo Lampkin, Battlestar Galactica & Joseph Adama, Caprica

Easily the best of Battlestar Galactica's later season additions (with all due respect to noted neurosurgeon John Hodgman), Romo Lampkin combined the sort of lovable sleaziness central to any Mark Sheppard performance, mixed with a brilliant if fractured legal philosophy. Seemingly just a mercenary lawyer taking on the obviously indefensible defense of disgraced president Gaius Baltar, he proceeded to build a case equal parts audacious (such as changing Baltar's plea to guilty just to make a point) and ludicrous (such as calling Lee Adama, his own partner on the defense and the son of one of the judges, to the stand to testify - this is a perk of trying a case in front of ship's captains instead of actual legal experts, I guess). Oh, and he's also a kleptomaniac and was briefly President of the Colonies. Although, quite honestly, who wasn't President of the Colonies towards the end?

In time, Lampkin reveals that he learned many of his best tricks from Joseph Adama, famous (some would say infamous) civil liberties lawyer back on Caprica. Much of his story remains to be told, as he will be the central figure of the prequel series Caprica, but it has already been revealed that he also defended members of the Ha'la'tha crime syndicate, which he had to do to repay them for funding his legal education. Still, he also defended the so-called "worst of the worst" partly out of a more altruistic need to air out society's failings. He always said his trademark silver lighter brought him good luck and made him unbeatable whenever he took it with him to court, a claim both his son and grandson later took much comfort in as they took the lighter with them on their most dangerous missions.

The law firm of Wolfram & Hart, Angel

The main adversaries for the mostly reformed vampire Angel, Wolfram and Hart represents the Earthly interests of an ancient group of demons. Beyond engaging in a variety of extracurricular activities that run the gamut from unscrupulous to criminal to utterly detestable (and, whenever possible, all three at once), the law firm also makes a point of representing society's most reprehensible slime, such as corrupt politicians. Supposedly, Wolfram & Hart would not exist without the evil inherent to all people. If I may make an exceedingly easy joke, I'm not clear how this distinguishes it from any other law firm.

Stephen Byerley, I, Robot by Isaac Asimov

Isaac Asimov's landmark collection of robot stories features two tales that might not actually have any robots in them at all. These two stories, "Evidence" and "The Evitable Conflict", focus on Stephen Byerley, a successful prosecutor currently running for Mayor of New York City. His enemies in the Quinn political machine accuse him of being a robot, forcing Susan Calvin and the rest of US Robots and Mechanical Men to attempt to verify that claim. Their various tests prove inconclusive, and Byerley refuses to prove his humanity on the grounds that that is not something any human should have to prove.

"Evidence" never exactly reveals one way or the other whether Byerley is, in fact, a robot, but the clues probably point to a cautious "yes." (Whether or not he is a robot isn't even at issue in "The Evitable Conflict", where he has moved on from Mayor of New York to the only slightly more powerful position of World Coordinator.) This is qualified by the fact that Susan Calvin argues convincingly that a robot could never be a lawyer, as the unshakable parameters of the First Law of Robotics would prevent a robot from ever understanding the complex concept of "justice."

His detractors' claim that he only prosecutes those that he is certain are guilty is rejected by Dr. Calvin, as Byerley could never get past the direct harm of imprisoning a man if he were a robot. The story makes a number of satirical points, such as pointing out that someone everyone thinks is a robot because he or she appears to follow the Three Laws of Robotics might simply be a very good person, as the Three Laws are essentially a simple code of ethics. Whether Asimov intends any further syllogism to be made when he suggests a robot could never be a lawyer is up to the reader to decide.

Livia Beale, Journeyman

The short-lived 2007 series followed Dan Vasser, a San Francisco reporter who travels randomly in time. During its brief run, Journeyman also introduced Vasser's former fiance, Livia Beale (played by Terminator Salvation's Moon Bloodgood), who had seemingly died in a plane crash. She was actually another traveler in time who was originally from 1948. Finding herself stuck in our time period seemingly for good, she decided to become a lawyer and make a new life for herself. She has to leave all this behind when the plane crash makes her resume her time jumping, although she is now able to help Dan in his own travels.

Linda Ziegler and Dale Rice, Illegal Alien by Robert J. Sawyer

Canadian science fiction author Robert J. Sawyer is one of the best when it comes to examining the ethical implications futuristic ideas. His courtroom drama Illegal Alien pits prosecutor Linda Ziegler against famous civil rights lawyer Dale Rice in just the latest trial of the century to hit Los Angeles. This time, it is the alien Hask of the Tosok race who finds himself facing murder charges, and Rice takes it upon himself to clear the alien of the charges. Both his and Ziegler's arguments are as much based upon slick theatrics and larger questions of alien rights as they are the pertinent facts of the case (which, as they so often do in science fiction stories, point to a larger conspiracy).

Nathan Petrelli, Heroes

Although Nathan Petrelli started out as a lawyer in the New York City District Attorney's office, this is pretty much behind him before the show even starts. Like many real-life lawyers, he used his legal career as a springboard into politics, with the first episode of Heroes already showing him as a Congressional candidate.

The law firm of Crane, Constable, McNeil & Montero, Century City

This 2004 show mostly came and went without anyone noticing, and it hasn't even picked up the modest following of something like Journeyman. Still, the show deserves plenty of credit for being probably the closest thing to pure legal science fiction ever shown on TV. Set in 2030, a time when Oprah Winfrey is president, the moon is colonized, and there is universal health care for all, Century City looks at the various cases undertaken by the four partners at the law firm of Crane, Constable, McNeil & Montero.

These cases touch on everything from the ethics of cloning to identity theft that actually entails stealing entire personalities. It only ran for four episodes before CBS canceled it. Perhaps we'll just have to wait for the seemingly indestructible Law & Order franchise to make a futuristic spin-off (it can be called Law & Order: Futuristic Spin-Off!) for legal science fiction to get a real foothold in the TV landscape.

Harvey Birdman, Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

What Century City tried to do for all of science fiction's many tropes and elements, the Adult Swim classic Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law did far more successfully for the rather more narrow field of sixties Hanna Barbera cartoons. The washed-up hero turned barely qualified lawyer Harvey Birdman was probably the sanest person at his largely psychotic law firm, and he too was in all probability certifiably insane, which had mixed results when it actually came time to go to trial. (The fact that the judges themselves were also completely bonkers was a big randomizer.)

The show's science fiction credentials weren't always particularly strong, but it did retain enough of a flavor of Birdman's old job as a third-rate superhero for me to feel comfortable including it on this list. The show also occasionally featured cases that highlighted some of Hanna Barbera's more obviously science fiction programs, including the Jetson family (from the far future time of 2004!) suing the past for destroying the environment and forcing their entire society to live high above the clouds of the destroyed Earth.

Judiciary Pag, Life, the Universe, and Everything by Douglas Adams

His High Judgmental Supremacy, Judiciary Pag, the Learned, Impartial, and Very Relaxed, might technically be more of a judge than a lawyer, but I'll still include him for a couple of reasons. One, he probably started out as a lawyer, and two, he's easily my favorite minor character in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy saga. Judiciary Pag was most famous for sentencing the people of Krikkit some ten billion years ago to imprisonment in a Slo-Time seal after they tried to kill everybody in the entire universe (which, he points out, he feels like doing the same thing some mornings).

He was hated by pretty much all of his colleagues for his unprofessional manner and supremely laid-back approach to the law. (For instance, he marked what he rightly recognized as the most important moment in legal history by sticking some gum under his chair.) He got away with all this because he was, in fact, the greatest legal mind the cosmos would ever know. Pag or, as he preferred to be known for reasons that made sense only to him, Zipo Bibrok 5 × 10⁸, handed down his ruling on the Krikit matter to great acclaim and thunderous, which he would have been around to receive if he hadn't already slipped away with one of the more attractive members of the jury to whom he had slipped a note about a half hour beforehand.

A whole bunch of characters from Marvel and DC Comics

There's no shortage of lawyers among the superhero community. As superhero (and villain) origin stories go, former lawyer was particularly popular in the Golden Age. The first costumed crimefighter, Brian O'Brien was a former district attorney who took a more direct role in meting out justice when he became the masked vigilante The Clock in 1936. Numerous others followed, including the Quality Comics character Mouthpiece, the Timely Comics hero Laughing Mask, and the original version of the Batman foe the Thinker.

In more recent years, Marvel has created a bunch more lawyers, including Sharon Ginsberg, Cameron Hodge, and Black Bishop - and those are just the ones who are X-Men villains. There's also the X-Men's own attorney, Evangeline Whedon, who can turn into a dragon, the rather obscure seventies superhero Dominic Fortune, and Captain America's ex-girlfriend Bernie Rosenthal.

But Marvel's two most famous lawyers really have to be Matt Murdock and Jennifer Walter, better known respectively as Daredevil and She-Hulk. Matt Murdock's legal career has probably been a more consistent part of his character over the years, but Dan Slott's run on She-Hulk arguably did the most sustained (and most fun) exploration of the intersection between superheros and the law, as Jennifer Walter (and, quite explicitly, not She-Hulk) is hired by the law firm of Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg & Holliway to help defend heroes whose vigilante activities lead to all too common misunderstandings with more traditional law enforcement.

On the DC side of things, the most famous lawyer would probably have to be Harvey Dent, who of course was Gotham City's district attorney before he became Two-Face. In the current Batman: Reborn event that is launching Dick Grayson's tenure as the Caped Crusader, Gotham's new DA is Kate Spenser, better known as the vigilante Manhunter. An even more brutal lawyer-turned-crimefighter was the eighties version of Vigilante, who in his civilian life was New York City prosecutor Adrian Chase. Other lawyers in the DC universe include the Atom's very estranged and now villainous wife Jean Loring, Power Company hero Josiah Power, the mostly immortal Resurrection Man, and, reaching a bit further back into DC lore to the wonderfully ludicrous times before Crisis on Infinite Earths, the Robin of Earth-Two.

The Hyper-Chicken, Futurama

Is there any greater lawyer in all of science fiction than this simple hyper-chicken from a backwoods asteroid? Tasked with some of the thirty-first century's most impossible cases, he does about as well as can be expected, which is to say he doesn't completely lose all of them. He did help Bender beat the rap for non-drunk driving after he crashed a dark matter tanker into the Pluto penguin sanctuary (although he wasn't nearly as successful in his own trial for that there "incompetence"). He helped Fry and Bender avoid serious jail time after they unwittingly abetted a bank robbery by successfully arguing they were both insane, offering the simple evidence that they had hired him as their lawyer.

In his prosecution of Zapp Brannigan for blowing up DOOP headquarters, his oddball legal tactics ranged from the brilliant (like calling the jury, which was entirely composed of DOOP delegates, to the stand just so they could confirm they were going to convict Zapp) to the somewhat less brilliant (like his insistence on establishing whether or not Leela was wearing a hoop skirt at the time). A deleted scene from the most recent Futurama movie finally provided the name Matcluck for the character, but really he'll always simply be the Hyper-Chicken, and that's all he needs to be. Just don't mention badgers in front of him.

Even as more women are becoming astronauts and getting to pilot the space shuttle, science fiction has shown tons of women taking the helm. Here are some of the most awesome, in no particular order:

Lady Sharrow in Against A Dark Background by Iain M. Banks

We don't get to see combat specialist Sharrow doing that much piloting in this book — but when she does take the controls, she makes it count. The one sequence where she does some fancy flying is one of the best moments in the book.

Carolyn Fry from Pitch Black.

I don't know how I managed to forget her — I actually had her on my list, and had grabbed this cool pic of her in advance. She manages to bring a dead ship down in spite of incredible odds — and sure, she tries to jettison her passengers. But she's just being sensible, after all.

Sue Parsons from Virtuality

As with Sharrow, Sue Parsons spends most of her screen time doing other things — mostly, like all the other characters on this show, bickering and freaking out about virtual reality nightmares. But when she does actually get to handle the Starship Phaeton's controls — watch out. She does an incredibly complex series of maneuvers while giant bombs are going off in her wake. Makes all the drama totally worth it.

Jenna, from Blake's 7.

This smuggler is the best pilot around — there's no competition, except maybe that arrogant twerp Del Tarrant. Jenna manages to take the controls of the Liberator, the most super-advanced ship in space, and master them almost immediately. And she's able to take it on manual and do some fancy flying, on occasion.

Saint-Emxin from Battle Beyond The Stars.

She's a mean Valkyrie fighter pilot, who more than holds her own in the movie's crucial Star Wars-inspired firefights. Han Solo not only couldn't pull off her headgear, he also couldn't outfly her. (I almost included Padme Amidala in this list, since she pilots a ship in Attack Of The Clones — but could Amidala really hold her own against Saint-Exmin? I think not.)

Tak from Invader Zim.

The "hideous new girl" shows up hoping to do a better job of invading Earth than Zim, and she has the ability to hypnotize humans into doing her bidding — but she also pilots her own ship.

Faye from Cowboy Bebop

Faye is an awesome fighter pilot, and even held her own in a dogfight with Spike. Runner-up status also goes to space trucker V.T., aka Victoria Terpsichore.

Carol "Foe Hammer" Rawley in Halo.

She does some pretty nifty flying as the pilot of Pelican transport Echo 419 on the UNSC Pillar of Autumn. She specializes in doing lots of missions involving hostile insertions and rescues, making her stand out from the rest.

Ana Khouri in Revelation Space by Alastair Reynolds.

This assassin joins the crew of the Nostalgia For Infinity, intent on killing one of the crewmembers, but then two different digital entities fight over control of her, and thus of the ship. Also a killer pilot is the ship's de facto captain, Illia Volyova.

Mary Raven from Ignition City.

This grounded space pilot journeys to Earth's last spaceport, Ignition City, to find out what happened to her dad, in this new comic by Warren Ellis and Gianluca Pagliarani. Space-jockey Mary Raven is determined to find out what happened to her dad, and she won't leave Ignition City until she gets some answers.

Lt. Shane Vansen from Space: Above And Beyond.

According to this site, she's "one of Earth's most celebrated pilots," piloting the SA-43 Hammerhead space fighter into battle.

Corp. Ferro in Aliens.

Okay, sure, she gets killed after speaking only a couple lines of dialogue. But she has cool sunglasses, and she manages to put the ship down through a lot of turbulence.

Carmen Ibanez in Starship Troopers.

Many of the badass pilots in this movie are women, and Carmen (Denise Richards) is the most memorable of them. She's a pilot in the SICON fleet, who pilots the drop ship, and even helps on the ground when things get rough.

Col. Wilma Deering in Buck Rogers In The 25th Century.

She doesn't just look good in a slinky jumpsuit, or boogieing next to Buck — Wilma's an ace fighter pilot in her own right, and a lot of episodes see her flying off solo to deal with the bikini-clad menace of the week.

Aeryn Sun in Farscape.

She's a formidable fighter generally, but she's also a former Peacekeeper pilot, and some of her best moments involve her taking the helm of a ship — like the season two finale, when Crichton is flying away with Scorpius' mind controlling him, and Aeryn chases after him in her own ship.

Yoninne Leg-Wot from The Witling by Vernor Vinge.

We don't actually get to see much of her piloting skills, since she and her companion Ajao Bjault get stranded on the planet full of telekinetic aliens early on. But she does turn out to be resourceful, and despite being unattractive by Earth standards, she helps win over the "witling" of the story's title, Prince Pelio.

River in Serenity.

Okay, so Serenity's real pilot is, and always will be, Wash. But you can tell, at the end of the movie, that River is gearing up to be a pretty great pilot in her own right. And in the series of movie sequels that unspool in my daydreams from time to time, she's piloting the ship all the time.

Manda in Burning The Ice by Laura J. Mixon.

Manda CarliPablo's stigmatized because she's the only colonist on a barren gas giant who's not a twin or triplet — her other clones died before they were "born" — but her isolation turns out to be a good thing, as she becomes the best pilot in the colony and explores the unexplored regions of this new world — discovering an alien race along the way.

Turanga Leela from Futurama.

Despite being captain, she's also always ready to take the helm of the Planet Express ship, and her lack of three-dimensional vision doesn't seem to interfere with her amazing piloting skills.

Jaina Solo from the Star Wars expanded universe.

The daughter of Han Solo and Princess Leia didn't just inherit her mom's Force powers — she also became a kick-ass pilot, like her dad. She flew the Millenium Falcon on a few occasions. When she got caught flying the Merry Miner, an unarmed mining ship, during the Yuuzhan Vong war, she managed to dodge the aliens' attacks until help arrived. And then she became one of the New Republic's most valued starfighter pilots.

Captain Beka Valentine from Andromeda.

Thanks to everyone who suggested adding her — Beka Valentine is, among other things, the Andromeda's first officer and pilot, taking advantage of her better-than-human reaction times and strength.

Tanni from Mutineer's Moon by David Weber

Here's the key sequence:

"And," MacMahan added gently, "Tanni will be your pilot."

"What?!"

"Tanni will be your pilot," MacMahan repeated mildly. "I'm speaking now as the commander of a military operation, and I don't have time to be diplomatic, so both of you just shut up and listen... we can't afford anything but our very best pilot behind those controls. You're good, Colin, and your reaction time is phenomenal even by Imperial standards, but good as you are, you have very little experience in an Imperial fighter.

Tanni, on the other hand, is a natural pilot and the youngest of our Imperials, with reaction time almost as good as yours but far, far more experience. The overall mission will be under your command, but she's your pilot and you're her electronics officer, or neither of you goes."

Kathryn Fairly in Space Camp.

A group of teenagers get to go aboard the Space Shuttle Atlantis during a test-firing of its engines. But the mean android named Jinx decides to — what else — jinx them by making the space shuttle blast off for real. They're stuck in orbit, without enough oxygen to get home. And Kathryn (Lea Thompson), who was struggling with the "multi-axis trainer" that's required for shuttle pilots, manages to ace the real-life situation that simulator creates: a flat spin after the shuttle's reorbit burn. She brings that bird down safe and proves she's an awesome pilot.

Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica.

As I said before, these are in no particular order — but if they were, Starbuck would be #1 in any list. She's clearly the best pilot among Battlestar's flyboys and -girls. Adama always refers to her as his best pilot, and she pushes herself harder than anyone else. Kat may have tried to challenge Starbuck's impressive kill rate, but she never really had a hope.

Additional reporting by Alexis Brown. Special thanks to Pete Gofton, Brian Williams, Erin Souza, Ira Wile, Jordan Hoffman, Austin Grossman, Ekaterina Sedia, and @soapboxx on Twitter.

Compared to the Civil War or World War II, the American Revolution has, for whatever reason, been largely neglected by alternate history writers. While books like Bring the Jubilee and The Man in the High Castle stand as iconic works that imagine Confederate and Nazi victories respectively, there is no such defining work detailing the particulars of the British maintaining control of their wayward colonies. Still, there are a number of more obscure short stories and essays (plus a couple of novels) that do consider just such a scenario, and they generally take one of the four following forms...

1. Different historical circumstances prevented the American Revolution completely.

Technically speaking, I could include in this category almost any alternate history where the divergence occurs long before July 4, 1776. For instance, a story about the Roman Empire surviving into the present day would undoubtedly mean European contact with and subsequent colonization of the Americas would have happened far, far differently. Instead, let's just focus on stories that explicitly explain how changing history would avert the Revolution.

J.C.D. Clark's essay "British America: What if there had been no American Revolution?" argues that increased representation for the colonists, much like the Scottish and Irish parliaments prior to the Act of Union in 1707, might well have given the Americans a satisfactory level of self-government and made rebellion unnecessary. The short story "Cops and Robbers" by S.M. Stirling is set in modern times, but it uses as its setup a world where Prime Minister William Pitt the Elder led Britain to a far more decisive victory in the French and Indian War (also known as the Seven Years War). This then allowed the British to maintain control over their colonies for a considerably longer period.

Writing just over a hundred years ago, Joseph Edgar Chamberlain imagined a plethora of alternate scenarios in his book The Ifs of History. He imagined a French colonization of Plymouth Bay that would have allowed the Dutch settlements of New Holland to survive, preventing the colonial unity that made the success of the Revolution possible. He wondered what might have happened if Columbus had not slightly altered course while crossing the Atlantic in 1492, which would have led to landfall on what is now Florida, likely shifting Spanish colonial interest towards North America.

He also looked at the possibility of Elizabeth I marrying and giving birth to an heir, which he believed would have prevented the rise of Puritanism and thus likely averted the Revolution. Not all of the changes he described would have appeared quite so momentous at the time, as he considered the tale of a colonial mother deciding in 1746 whether or not to enlist her son in the British navy. The mother was Mary Washington, the son was George Washington, and if the decision had been "yes" then the rest would have been a very different history than what we know.

2. Diplomacy prevailed.

This category focuses on situations where the colonies were on the brink of war, but ultimately were pacified thanks to brilliant diplomacy. Caleb Carr's essay "William Pitt the Elder and the Avoidance of the American Revolution" argues Pitt could have prevented the American Revolution if he had refused his ennoblement as the Earl of Chatham in 1766, which would have allowed him to stay in the House of Commons. Carr feels Pitt stood the best chance of preventing the various oppressive acts and exorbitant taxes that so angered the colonists, and in doing so might have prevented the rebellion.

In a similar vein, Roger Thompson imagined in his essay what might have happened "If I had been…the Earl of Shelburne in 1762-5." The crux of Thompson's argument holds that, if the Earl of Shelburne had been in charge of the peace negotiations following the Seven Years' War, he might have allowed France to regain control of Canada, which would have in turn removed the need for much of the taxation of the colonies.

One of the few full-fledged novels to tackle the subject, The Two Georges was cowritten by alternate history grandmaster Harry Turtledove and, for some awesome reason, Jaws actor Richard Dreyfuss. The titular Georges are, naturally enough, King George III and George Washington, who managed to negotiate a peaceful redress to American grievances that allowed the colonies to remain part of the British Empire. The theft two centuries later of a painting recording their legendary meeting sets the book's plot in motion, which takes the detective protagonist from New Liverpool (or, as we would call it, Los Angeles) on a winding tour throughout the North American Union all the way to their version of Washington D.C., the colonial capital Victoria.

3. The British won the war.

This really should be the easiest kind of alternate American Revolution story to write, considering just how unlikely the colonial victory arguably was. Beyond the superior military might of the British Empire, there was also the fact that not all Americans supported the cause of independence (although a majority of them did), and even then not all of the patriots were properly trained to fight. But beyond these general advantages the British had, there were several specific instances where the British could have triumphed and, in the process, likely ended the rebellion.

A major turning point recognized by multiple alternate history authors is the Battle of Saratoga in 1777. The month-long series of skirmishes, bookended by two bloody battles, saw the decisive defeat of British General John Burgoyne's army. Burgoyne had previously boasted that his troops would be able to split the colonies in half and effectively end the revolt. He was defeated largely due to the tactical brilliance and bold action of a brilliant young general by the name of Benedict Arnold. In H. Beam Piper's "He Walked Around the Horses", Burgoyne's victory at Saratoga is credited at the effective end of the American Revolution. A similar result is seen in Robert Sobel's For Want of a Nail…; If Burgoyne Had Won at Saratoga, which takes the form of an alternate history textbook detailing the duel histories of the Confederation of North America and the United States of Mexico.

Speaking of Benedict Arnold, Robert Cowley looked at how Arnold might have acted differently slightly later in his notorious career, as he detailed in his essay "Benedict Arnold Wins the Revolutionary War for Britain." Paul Park's "The Blood of Peter Francisco" takes place in the early 20th century in a world where the British routed the Continental Army at Yorktown in 1781, which in our history was the battle that signaled the inevitability of American victory.

Thomas Fleming is even more ambitious in his piece "Unlikely Victory: Thirteen Ways the Americans Could have Lost the Revolution", which examines the entire chain of events that made American success possible and then pulls out thirteen of the weakest links. This includes how the Patriots expertly turned the Boston Massacre into a rallying cry for anti-British sentiment, how a fortunate fog covered the American retreat from the Battle of Long Island and prevented their capture at the hands of the British, and how George Washington's charisma was all that stopped the disgruntled Continental Army from marching on Congress to demand their pay, all of which Fleming considers the results if these had played out differently.

Perhaps the most interesting sub-sub-sub-genre in this category concerns the ultimate fate of George Washington. In 1974, Robert Wallace Russell wrote and staged the play Washington Shall Hang: A Drama of Lost Revolution, which imagines the general being put on trial for treason. Roland J. Green's vignette "Exile's Greeting" looks at the HMS Bellerophon as it prepares to transport an important political prisoner to the infamous island of St. Helena, which in our history was the final home of the defeated Napoleon Bonaparte. I suppose my inclusion of that story in this particular paragraph pretty much gives away the big twist as to which mysterious general is being exiled to St. Helena.

4. Something utterly crazy happened.

Let's be honest here. (And, by "honest", I of course mean "borderline jingoistic in a tongue-in-cheek manner.") The American Revolution was a historical inevitability and no amount of expert political maneuvering by Pitt the Elder or brilliant strategizing by General Burgoyne could have prevented or defeated it. So how, exactly, could you plausibly write a story where the Revolution turned out differently? With magic and dragons, that's how!

Orson Scott Card preferred the former option in his Tales of Alvin Maker series, in which almost everybody has a "knack", or ability to do at least one thing absolutely perfectly, and a few people have particularly powerful knacks, including the title character. The existence of such powers has greatly altered the course of human history, and what would have been the United States is divided into a colonial New England controlled by the heirs of Oliver Cromwell's English Republic, a monarchy on the east coast ruled by the exiled House of Stuart, and a much smaller independent America where Native Americans play a far greater role.

Mike Resnick upped the ante considerably in terms of awesomeness when he titled his alternate history book Dragon America: Revolution. The book is set in a world where the ecology of the Americas is greatly different from that of the Old World, as it is dominated by, well, dragons. For some reason, the Revolution is close to failure in this universe, which forces George Washington to send Daniel Boone westward in search of the legendary dragons that could be their last hope for victory against the British.

I'll admit I'm probably cheating a little bit by including this book, as the American Revolution does ultimately succeed thanks to the dragons, but I have one very simple rule in life - I will never pass up an opportunity to talk about team-ups between George Washington and dragons to defeat the British. I can't think of anything that better encapsulates the American way.

Sunnydale

Location: California near Santa Barbara

Where does it appear? Buffy the Vampire Slayer universe

Locals: A slowly declining population of families and commuters, with a thriving underground community of demons and vampires.

Dangers: It's situated directly over the Hellmouth, so there's that. Think of this city as a magnet for everything in the world that wants to do harm to humankind. Demons, vampires, plagues, ghosts, trolls, witches...the list goes on. If you live in this city and wanted a small family of two kids, I'd have three just to be safe.

Gotham City

Location: Depends, many maps put Gotham right where Manhattan or Vancouver would be situated. But generally you're looking for a Northern city near the coast.

Where does it appear? Batman

Locals: Home to Batman, the Wayne family, and stomping grounds of many other superheroes and villains. This town is full of hard-working city folk with a lot of attitude and gumption, which is imperative as the crime rate is so high they need to keep their spirits up to get through the day. The town is riddled with psychotics, superheroes and masked avengers all looking to either do some good or some harm.

Dangers: Highways, banks, the docking yards and hospitals all seem to be violent areas. Rule of thumb, stay away from these places or any government official or people with strollers, as they all seem to be large walking targets in this town.

Bon Temps

Location: Northern Louisiana, above Alexandria

Where does it appear? True Blood and the Sookie Stackhouse series

Locals: Blue collar Southern types. People who have lived in the same place for years, centuries even. Bon Temps, home to Sookie Stackhouse and her many supernatural friends has a pretty steady fatality rate. While it's nowhere near Sunnydale or Gotham City numbers, there are still a fair number of citizens getting snacked on by the lush supernatural life that populates the woods nearby.

Dangers: Unruly vampire nests, bull people with poison talons, werewolves, werepuppies - it's basically an all-the-time party for anything unnatural. Living here is a dangerous balancing act of being aware of the dangers in front of you, so you know how to respond, but not being so infatuated that you're putting yourself in harms way. Plus there's the fact that the law enforcement is pretty lax, so should you get murdered it may be weeks until they find your body.

The local Louisiana Tourist Board has set up a Welcome To Bon Temps site - "everyone wants a taste."


Smallville

Location: Kansas

Where does it appear? Smallville TV series, Superman

Locals: Good salt of the Earth farmer folk that attract doom like honey does flies.

Dangers: If you live in Smallville, you run the chance of having one of your relatives getting killed by a radioactive meteor - or the risk that you will become exposed or mutated by a radioactive meteor, or that you will be attacked on a weekly basis by someone who has been mutated by a radioactive meteor.

Eureka

Located: Somewhere in the Pacific Northwest, possibly Oregon or Washington state. It's a secret town built by Global Dynamics - if they want you to know the exact location, you'll know.

Where does it appear? EurekaTV series

Locals: Scientists, superbrains, and the best of the best of every field all in one town.

Dangers: Malfunctioning science experiments that could potentially harm you or your belongings (most likely the belongings). Things are always exploding or ripping the fabric of time. Also the world ends just about every week and at one time or another you could be called upon to roll up your sleeves and help solve the problem, which has lead to a few fatalities here and there. The town has been known to bust out into song time and again (similar to Sunnydale).

Hill Valley

Location: Pasadena area of California

Where does it appear? Back To The Future

Locals: A never ending loop of faces that pass on generation to generation.

Dangers: When your city houses a meddlesome scientist and his good-looking assistant who can't help but dabble in time travel, your life is going to be greatly influenced by these two and their shenanigans. Of course the entire world will be changed with time travel, but if you're a resident in Hill Valley and your great, great grandfather gets knocked off a cliff by a DeLorean, you can bet that will impact your future a whole lot more.

Coast City

Location: Midway between San Francisco and LA

Where does it appear? The Green Lantern universe

Locals: Regular people and a space cop or two.

Dangers: This poor city looks nuclear disaster square in the face. It was destroyed in a nuclear explosion in the mid-1990s and magically restored a few years back. But who can say how long that's going to last?

Bludhaven

Location: Gotham's suburb

Where does it appear? Batman universe

Locals: Family folk commuting into Gotham.

Dangers: Turned into a post-nuclear wasteland, then ground zero for the anti-life equation outbreak that led to humanity becoming mindless zombie drones. So it attracts serious outbreaks and attacks as opposed to the smaller but more frequent Gotham City crime waves.

Black Falls Community

Location: Classified

Where does it appear? Robert Rodriguez's movie Shorts

Locals: The families of Black Box Industries.

Dangers: Besides the usual bullies, the products from Black Box industries seem to make all the inhabitants a little bit more dangerous. Then there's that rainbow rock that the kids have where they can turn you into a dung beetle just by wishing it. So slightly dangerous if in the wrong hands.

Fray, the comic book shown here, is a classic of the post-apocalyptic future vampire genre. Created by Joss Whedon, the short series chronicles the life of a future vampire slayer named Fray. She works in a city divided between the healthy rich and the mutant poor, aiding her mutant buddies by using her slayer powers to be a super-criminal. Complicating her life is the fact that her (evil) twin brother has inherited part of her slayer powers too, and later Buffy time-travels into her world and messes everything up. Also, her watcher is a giant demon with enormous horns; and her boss is an amphibian criminal mastermind. Do not miss this series.

While Fray is a story of future vamps, one of the classics of the space vampire genre is the movie Lifeforce, based on a book by Colin Wilson called (yes) The Space Vampires. A naked lady from space arrives on a human space vessel, immediately seducing a member of the crew with her naked spaciness. Then she sucks the life from him, leaving a dried-up husk! Panic ensues, while more people are sucked and nudity runs rampant and glowy special effects shoot out of people's groins.

Written in roughly the same era as The Space Vampires, Tanith Lee's Martian vampire novel Sabella should probably have been made into a movie with glowing groins too. Sabella lives alone on Mars, trying to discover the mysteries of her past and figure out why men are constantly throwing themselves at her in a haze of lust. This cult classic is definitely off the beaten track for vampire fans, but manages to make Mars into a plausibly gothic landscape.


And then there's the aptly-named Queen of Blood (1966), featuring a lady who is a cross between a vampire and a green sexpot from Star Trek. You know it must be good because it stars Dennis Hopper.


Teenage Space Vampires (1999) is a rare cult classic about what happens when space vampires invade the tiny town of Knowlwood. And a few nerds have to fight them. Includes some great one-liners, as well as a running gag related to a dimensional portal, lawn gnomes, and the vampires' hidden weakness. Really it's just about the lawn gnomes. And throwing them.


Mario Bava's 1965 flick Planet of the Vampires is also one for the ages. I love how in this English trailer for the (badly) dubbed version, the narrator intones, "In a 40 G gravity atmosphere, strange things happen." Indeed: Things like people in really high, black collars and vampire-esque aliens who take over the human crew's body so (of course) their "race can survive." I'm not sure these creatures are strictly undead, but they do occupy the bodies of dead people and look really sinister. Plus, they inhabit a world where people wear a lot of shiny black outfits for no reason. So let's go with the vampire thing. Apparently some critics have claimed that this film influenced Alien.


In 12,090 AD, Vampire Hunter D roams a post-apocalyptic landscape seething with Lovecraftian monsters and vampires. This stunning and truly awesome manga / anime series is stylish, dark and addictive. D is a half-human, half-vamp creature who hunts vamps with the help of a mutant creature who lives in his hand and a cyber-horse for a steed.


In America, we have our own D, known to comics and movie fans as Blade. He's a half-human, half-vamp hunter of vampires, aided by a mutant-looking Kris Kristofferson (in the movie) and a bunch of cyber-cycles. Though the first Blade flick wasn't very futuristic, director Guillermo Del Toro fancied-up Blade II and turned it into a near-future scifi flick about vampires doing genetic engineering on themselves to create a race of super-vamps. Check out a video of the vampire mad science lab here - definitely worth a look.

Then there's the sultry Sivil, from Macross 7. She's a vampiric creature who makes an appearance in what is otherwise pure space opera.

Several novels try to create biologically plausible vampires in space. Most notably, Peter Watts' Blindsight takes place 80 years in Earth's future, when a gang of outcasts (including one vampire) are sent to deal with a spaceship filled with alien creatures that they're totally unprepared to deal with. Tobias Buckell's Sly Mongoose deals with a virus that turns people into zombie-vampires who live to infect others and generate a vast, collective consciousness that can potentially take over a huge volume of space. And in the Vampire Earth series by EE Knight, vampires from space have invaded the planet and altered its climate so they can live here comfortably while they EAT YOUR SOUL. Yes, you can now blame climate change on vamps.

Many scifi TV series had vampire episodes, but none were so literally-named as the Buck Rogers episode "Space Vampires." (above) If you live in the States (or learn how to use proxies), you can watch this piece of televisual brilliance on Hulu. What's the plot? Ummm, scary space vamps with epic eyebrows on a space station. Buck in tight white pants. Colonel Dearing in tight, orange, silky jumper. Some poor victim in what appears to be a macrame outfit. Biting, fighting, feathered hair. The end.


There may be many vampires in Doctor Who, but for us there is only one: the plasmavore from "Smith and Jones." First of all, the name plasmavore is awesome. I wish the vamps in True Blood would insist that we all use that term as the preferred PC name for blood-suckers.


And for Trek fans, there are always the salt vampires, from the aptly-named "The Man Trap." Ex-girlfriends can get ugly.


Why do vampires always want to lure you in with sex? Sexy Doctor Who spinoff Torchwood knows the answer in "Day One." Also, this episode teaches a valuable lesson. Sex in bathrooms always results in dust orgasms. You know what I mean.


And if you want to game, you can play Lunar Knights, a Nintendo DS game with a few vampy moments. Or check out the post-apocalyptic vamp MMO game Blood Wars. Best of all, of course, is cyber-vamp RPG BloodNet.

But if none of this does anything for you, surely Horror of the Blood Monsters will get your heart pumping. Yes, these scary creatures live on another planet. As this awesome trailer promises, "You'll see human beings hideously transformed . . . gruesome mutations!" Also, it's in "weird color." Which is truly a mark of quality in a space vamp flick.

Additional reporting by Stephen Goldmeier.

This list will give you a powerful injection of robot crotches, real and imaginary. Here you can see concept art of a giant robot designed to put out forest fires. It has four arms and a massive reach. Unclear why exactly it needs that mega-crotch, which I think contains water pistons as well as what seem to be giant graspers in the scrotal region. How would you like your burning trees harvested with that?

Speaking of what you do and do not want harvested, this clip from 1980s classic Cherry 2000 reminds us of the gentle art of the implied robot crotch. Our human protagonist is getting it on with his Cherry 2000 bot, giving us a teeny glimpse of robo-ass before getting all sudsy and humpy with her hidden (but not unused) crotch. Sadly, he hasn't learned the first thing about circuit boards. Water isn't good for them. So his crotch satisfaction is severely undermined.


And then there's another twentieth century classic: Robot Jox. Which is all about people who zoom around inside giant robot armor things, which happen to have crotchly surprises in store for us.


Let's get real again, though. Check out this recently-built Japanese robot, who keeps his human companion safely tucked right between his legs. If you've ever dreamed of being inside robot wood, well this is your chance.

This is an action figure based on characters from Appleseed, the anime where humans and cyborgs are so entertwined that it's hard to know which is which. And that provides us with this amazing and rare double-crotch shot. We've got our fighter girl, showing her crotch, snug inside her robot armor, which also has quite a substantial bulge in its special place. I don't know what to call this. I think what it means is that in the future, genitals will be a lot more complicated than ever before.

Not that genitals will necessarily be any less annoying, as this video by Japanese bizarro artist Murakami makes clear. His character Inochi, a robot going through puberty, still has to contend with unruly boners even though he's an artificial being. Being weird-looking probably doesn't help.

In the realm of dangerous robot crotches, there's the crotch you can just barely glimpse in this picture of the replicant Pris from Bladerunner. At one point in the film, she does a full-on crotch attack on protagonist Deckard, wrapping her legs around his neck and almost squeezing his noggin off.

Nemo Gould's sculpture, Goliath, has such an anotomically-noticeable set of bits between his legs that the poor bot has been defaced multiple times by neighbors in the posh San Francisco neighborhood where he resides. Poor Goliath. Luckily, Nemo has been able to restore him after he was vandalized and his robo-balls still hang free.


This giant statue of a Gundam robotic armor soldier looms outside Tokyo, his mega-crotch keeping everyone safe from forces in the world who hate magnificently large pocket rockets.

Sure, Devastator has giant balls, but nobody competes with Optimus Prime's undercarriage OK? Check out the heft on that.

And no list of this sort would be complete without a tip of the hat to the ladies. Here's Kristina Lokken from Terminator 3, demonstrating the latest innovations built into her model. Namely, an ability to make her termino-boobs expand in order to impress male police officers.

BEST:

Spot, Data's Orange Tabby Cat from Star Trek: The Next Generation
Who: Data's number 1 friend that didn't wear a Devo-esque visor on his face.
Why he's awesome: He's probably one of the only cats in the universe that has an infinitely advanced AI at his beck and call.
Bonus points: Anything that pisses Riker off is a big plus in my book.

Willis the Bouncer from Robert Heinlein's Red Planet
Who: A sound mimicking furry ball that every kid should have as a friend.
Why he's awesome: In a 1960's era future, when a dog just won't cut it, the only way to really impress the kids at school is with an alien that doubles as a soccer ball. And here's a clip from the Fox miniseries adaptation.

R2D2, Star Wars
Who: The yin to C3PO's (annoying) yang that brings logic and light to any situation through a series of flickering lights and bleeps.
Why he's awesome: He's a moving trashcan that manages to be more likeable than most of the Star Wars palz extended cast.

Porthos, Captain Archer's Beagle from Enterprise
Who: Easily one of the more tolerable characters on Enterprise. Mostly because he didn't talk.
Why he's awesome: He's a beagle! How can beagles not be cute? Also, I feel like after the unfortunate Scotty related transporter incident, he deserves a nice memorial.