Remember last week when I said that the I liked it best when True Blood went bananas? I may have been a little hasty. Turns out wrapping up this sex party was pretty easy to do, if you do nothing but subject the audience to pure unbridled lunacy. While I'm all for the whole hog True Blood, I think it crossed the rat shit rubicon, a phrase I really didn't think I was ever going to use again, a month ago and this episode was just some really strange, disjointed crap. But thank goodness for teen vampirism, Claudine Clark and another round of Yahtzee. Because the whole thing turned around and revved up for the third season half way through, but not without some pretty huge surprises.

Con: So we're back at the nest and Tara and Eggs acting like a pair of terrible Disney henchmen bumbling about and fawning all over said egg. Then Eggs made this face and I punched the TV....

Con: Where did we get all of these one shoulder bridesmaids dresses? Sure Maryann is wearing the grandmother's dress that was established but where did all of the same dresses come from? Did we teach zombie Eggs how to sew, because that's a cut scene I wouldn't mind viewing.

Pro: Even though they all look absolutely bonkers in the getup, god bless Lafayette playing with his straps in the back. He looks the best in this dress too BTW.

Con: Any one else getting a "we're just making shit up as we go" vibe all of a sudden. When Maryann tells Sookie to hit her with the ET fingers again I felt like I was watching a different show. In fact everything dealing with Maryann from this point on felt off for True Blood. But I did like Maryann yelling at her for not committing to the power fingers.

Pro: "I'm a waitress what the fuck are you?"

Pro: Hell yes to Hoyt's Mom is getting down to my favorite song. I'd like to think that if I turned into a black-eyed zombie I'd most likely end up in the kitchen twisting and singing Claudine Clark's Party Lights while making snickers casseroles. And by most likely I mean it's what I did this past Friday night.

Con: But now back to that infernal sex party, Sookie thinks back on her past specialness like when she almost killed Mr. Rattray. Sure, she may have special power but I thought the editing hinted at someone in the bushes helping not her magical cocoon powers? This is probably my misunderstanding but I was curious to find out who that was.

Con: More explaining that makes no sense from Maryann. So, Sam's the vessel because he showed up in her house naked and a virgin all those years ago? Then why did she sex him up? Why didn't she heart stab him back then instead of getting naked? What does this have to do with Tara summoning her?

Pro: ERW giving vampire Yahtzee another go, and while it started rough, alright really rough (ERW try. harder. please) It got infinitely better as the game went on. Is it because Eric is in it? Perhaps, but ERW felt more realistic this go round. I like that she's letting Eric sell her blood, which makes me wonder if she's doing it to be able to police all of Louisiana by being connected to all the V users, or something of that nature. And I didn't even mind the dry fang humping moaning moment. Could this have been the most amazing character to grace the small screen this season? Yes.

Con: But, that being said, I did not like the cartoon face ERW made on top of Eric.

Pro: Side note hinted at from the Queen, if vampires drink Sookie's light blood they fall in love with her? So maybe Bill's not in love with her, which means we can get feisty I'm-going-to-drink-from-your-upper-leg-areas Bill from the first episode back? Please let it be so. I want sexy mean Bill back - no please. She's already intent on ruining Eric, so let Bill be the bad boy now.

Pro: Jason and Andy packin and rollin'! Let do this.

Con: Nope they are zombies now. That was entirely too quick. Where was the big fight? What a huge build up for nothing. Also it should be noted that Jason and Andy are the out of control characters so it was funny to see them operate in a world where they had self control. Their big Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid moment was cut short, boo.

Pro: Terry telling them they can't see the bride before the wedding.

Pro: Bill wanting to glamor the kids. Ha, you're alright this episode Vampire Bill.

Pro: Sookie asking what was going on with the egg, thank you. What IS going on with the egg?

Con: The answer was basically "nothing we're just licking it." Sigh, so last week's giant cliffhanger was nothing, the nest was nothing, it's all nothing. Just a giant work up to a scene where a bunch of people sit around in the circle and lick it. It is vast nothing, like this entire Maryann plot. And it makes me think, "hmmmm I don't have nearly enough alcohol for this."

Pro/Con: I'm not sure how I felt about the creepy wedding ceremony. I liked that Andy carried the train, and yet I hated how he jumped around like Tara and Eggs did earlier as though he was Gurgi from The Black Cauldron. And yet I did enjoy how idiotic Tara looked standing there with that egg. Still the whole moment where the Sam/Sookie swap took place was awkward and seemed very thrown together last minute.

Pro: Ooooh K so the giant meat statue isn't a cross it's a Bull with giant muscles. Well, when Jason looks at it, that's what he sees, so that's what the meat statue is.

Con: The sacrifice scene, I'm willing to say this may be the first time in True Blood history where I feel like the plot isn't funny or fun crazy, it's just kind of mean crazy. Like "let's see if we can get our actors to actually do this" mean. I railed against ERW last week for half assedly phoning in her Queen. When compared to the rest of the cast who give their all to sell the whole vampire and crazy sex party insanity, ERW's previous lack of sincerity made the whole Queen business seem fake. I think the reverse of this is happening right now. When the scene is so tremendously bad no matter how hard characters' commitment to the insanity it makes the viewer wince and feel uncomfortable. I was exceedingly uncomfortable. Not convincing your parents to give True Blood a try with a seemingly mild episode but forgetting then slowly remembering that what you're watching is the episode with the very loud grave dirt sex moment and thinking of excuses to sneak before said scene, uncomfortable, but close. This was demonstrated by Lafayette climbing on top of the meat womb and yelling "worship him bitches!" Yeah super funny in print but watching my favorite character climb on top of that messy meat heap and yell out was . . . weird. This is my finale? This is my grand moment of True Blood vampire blood sex and magic awesomeness? Worship him bitches? Yeah no thanks.

Con: Maryann's little history lesson. Mind . . . wandering . . . I wonder what that whole Kanye beef was about maybe I'll channel flip super fast....

Con...oh no wait the meat cross is a giant uterus with the sacred Egg inside it, literally.

Pro: Breaking the sacred egg. Good. Good riddance to confusing worthless McGuffin.

Con: Eggs did not stab himself as I predicted.

Pro: The magic light fingers have returned.

Con: So have Maryann's magical powers of claw hands and head mice squeals.

Pro: WHAT THE FUCK DID MY EYES JUST SEE. Maryann sees her cow husband and goes to him, for the sex. Cause sure. She opens up her body and bull gores her in her stomach and Maryann just won't shut up until SURPRISE its Sam, and there is no god, literally. Naked Sam crushes her heart with his fist. Now this is crazy done right. Thank you for that True Blood. This is the kind of crazy I can respect, because at least all the crazy makes a half sense as opposed to some writer thinking it's a good idea to introduce an egg with no real significance other than to have everyone lick it.

Con: Sam being magically healed by Bill's blood was way too easy and fast. That whole thing felt kind of cheap it all happened off stage you can't see if one over crap. He was stabbed in the heart after all, doesn't that mean death?

Pro: Maybe Sam drinking Bill's blood will mean that he'll start having sex dreams about Bill? Which I would like to see.

Con: Bill is all drained and sickly and Sookie turns to him, get rid of the body dead thing! Already with the orders my goodness you were just holding him, not even a little wrist biting to give him a perk up? And get those damn kids off my lawn.

Con: So that's what a Maenad looks like dead. Huh.

Pro: Mean Hoyt is just as interesting and sexy as nice Hoyt. I like where this is going. Tell your momma off Hoyt - now let's go get milk shakes and cry about it.

Pro: Awkward lawn party.

Con: Sam sees a deer and cries because he remembered that other deer he used to have sex with, then he pictured Bill with antlers.

Con: Eggs is smile crying with no real tears. How did he survive this? Eggs you were supposed to die so I wouldn't have moments like this anymore.

Con: Tara apologizes to Sookie. Where was this last episode, you selfish twit? Remember when you bailed on us for the spaz over by the sink?

Con: I highly doubt Sookie would be spending the night in her bed with all that nasty sex juice and meat bed. Just sayin - wash it first.

Pro: Charlaine Harris cameo at the bar, yay! You rule Harris, good to see her getting cred, this is the kind of stuff that belongs in a finale. And I would have to agree with you dear, I did not see the town folk building a giant meat uterus in Sookie's front yard ever happening either. Whew.

Con: Charlaine as much as you fight the Twilight comparisons why would you let them cameo you the same way Stephanie Meyer cameod in Twilght....they are pretty similar.

Pro: Arlene's kids being smarter than her, but Terry being the sweetest of them all.

Pro: Let the spinning begin: it's aliens, no LSD no Ethanol! Maryann Forrester does rhyme with Martian Foreigner so it all makes sense, damn that liberal media and their meddling. Don't let Bon Temps become San Francisco. Nice moment.

Pro: Gigantic pro for serving Mountain Dew in a pitcher. That's how we rolled in my family way back in the day. I don't care if it was a blatant sponsorship ad, I know plenty of people that drink this yellow nectar for every meal. In fact I just ate at a restaurant in Missouri that serves you your drink in a big gulp and it was delicious and I loved every moment of it. Now quick pass me the last chicken nugget.

Pro: "I'd wear him like a scrunchie."

Pro: Second only to the way Andy says, "It's DIET Coke with LIIIIIIIIME."

Pro: Sam calling Andy Bubbah. Did ya catch that?

Pro: Bill sends Sookie a dress with a letter!!!!!!! He writes like he talks!!!!! I Gigantic I's and odd statements. Do you think he writes like this everywhere like household notes. "JESSICUH We are in great need of Draino. I tire of clogged showahs. Can you collect some upon your next visit to the shop? I would also very much like some old spice red stripe if that's not too much to aaaask. Eric is evil. Vampire Bill."

Con: Eggs big reveal in his brain is a bunch of shit we already knew.

Pro: Jessica is back - about time. Save us from this episode Jessica. And how adorable are these two acting together!

Con: Bill hasn't been to a French restaurant in over 70 years, because he's a vampire, in case you forgot.

Con: All this Sam returning home to his family business. Not necessary. I know you have a next season. Just have him say, I'm going to go find my real family, and then he drives off. End Scene. This did not need to be another 15 minutes of nothingness. I care so little about his adopted family issues.

Con: Evil Jessica is back wahoo! This is clearly setup for the next year, and is kind of annoying because it doesn't really say much about their relationship which is all still really new. It's still a great plot twist with a lot of potential. First off Bill and her are finally getting along, so that will all be shot to hell, and what if she bites Hoyt, or fights him, or goes back to him while secretly feeding behind his back because she's addicted to the taste and hates Tru Blood. Five seconds of Jessica time and I'm already infinitely more excited for the next season. More Jessica please.

Pro: Seeing Vampire Bill dancing is like watching a cat walk on its hind legs. I can't rip my eyes away from it but I don't understand it.

Con: The second I heard that Bill had rented the place out and saw Sookie all dressed up with Mom hair I knew he was going to propose, I just knew it in my gut. And I knew Sookie would respond like a brat because that is who she is and she had gone 15 minutes without being horrible. Though I had forgotten the ridiculous Vermont is where the gays, I mean vampires can get married. Tell me again about how this show isn't about gay rights, Ball?

Pro: Still I was all yay yay clappy clappy when Bill pulled out the box, because that too is sadly also in my gut and I melted like butter and wished the make up artist had gone a little easier with the white yet again on Bill cheek bones, even though I was kinda bored with the whole thing.

This is what Yay clappy clappy looks like thanks to the brilliant phnuggle. You are my hero!!!!!!

Pro: Anyone else secretly wish that Sookie called for Eric in the bathroom? That's certainly spice things up a bit, he'd come too.

Pro: The best part of this finale. EGGS IS DEAD. If you dream it, it can happen people.

Pro: Now Jason is all entangled in another wacky death shenanigan, but nobody is going to care, because it's Eggs. It was his time. In memoriam for Eggs, Tara smile cries:

And that's it there ain't no more. Well, actually someone kidnaps Bill with gloves and silver because we need a big fat scary cliff hanger for the next season, but unfortunately for them you and I are not idiots. And we know they aren't going to kill off Bill. So nice try Mr. Ball. We're on to your tricks.

How do I feel about this episode as a whole? While it was pretty poorly stitched together with plenty of hits and misses and no real winning Jason line, it's still True Blood. I'm just going to pretend that the whole first half didn't even happen, because it's just easier that way. It's a shame we didn't get to see the Newlins, Pam or more Eric one last time, but I hope they all stick around for another season. All in all I love this show, with all of my heart. They brought me dirt sex people and flying vampires and teacup humans. I have nothing but love. Yes, of course the final was going to try and take it to the biggest extreme ever and they succeeded with the cow arm gore death. But it kind of floundered throughout the rest of the episode making shit up for no reason. It almost, almost ruined Eggs death for me but when you've wanted something this badly for this long it still feels to watch him face up in a puddle of his own yolk. Ah egg pun.

I wish they would have spent a little more time saying goodbye to this season as opposed to just tying up lose ends and moving ahead with the cliffhangers. But I'll never forget the egg licking no matter how much it didn't work, because they tried to go there and it was, well crazy True Blood. I will miss you and see you next summer. And Ryan Kwanten, you deserve the gold vampire star of the season.

This episode seemed to tread water a little bit, much like last week's, but at least we got in some quality Eric time. Seriously, he was all over the place with his Matrix-flying dress-wearing Swedish ass. And we approved of all of that. The rest? Well, kind of a crazy let down. But let me tell it to you, "Pro and Con" style.

Con: Evan Rachel Wood's Queen schtick. Was she a whole lotta glam packed in one tiny body? Yes. Well styled? Yes. Did she have a fabulous day room? Yes. Was she handed some of the best one-liners in True Blood History? Oh yes. The True Blood crew, writers, and stylists set this character up with the most non-fail safety net in the history of sexy vampires who say clever things. Which is why I'm shocked to the core at how she single handedly almost destroyed this character entirely. Her delivery came across as brittle, wooden and, well, dead.

In fact I enjoyed all those other things about her character so much that I would forget how bad her delivery was, with a gasp and giggle thinking... oooooh, vampire Bill playing Yahtzee — hand claps all around chortle, chuckle, snort — wait... what? You're not even trying. I felt like I was watching my baby sister pretend act out the Great Gatsby, slightly tipsy off strawberry wine but completely bored with the entire shenanigan. "Whaaats that you say," feigned eye roll and look of disinterest, "that's acting, mah dear boy. Now lookatme be all vampiresque and royal campy camp." It's not fair, she was handed the best lines of the night on a silver platter, and the whole time I was thinking Vampire Bill is out-crap-acting you. Be more something, anything — be more interesting. Your blood donors are out shining you. It was like listening to nails on a chalk board to hear her stiffly eke out the "kidding" joke to Bill about having sex. I know you are carefree and no longer of this world since you have all the answers but give us something, just a bit to go on.

Bottom line: ERW half committed to True Blood, and in a land where people shoot light out of their fingers, pretend to be horned gods, have sex with trees, and turn into flies, you really have to lay it all out there if you want to stand out. When Sam transforms into a fly, he sells it... when Jason talks his idiotic banter, there's no winky cringe from the actor trying to imply that he's secretly smart underneath it all. Ryan Kwanten is 100% Jason, awkward eggplant engorged penis scene and all, and that's why we love him. If you don't commit, you're just a disappointing cameo that wasted a great character. But what am I saying? There is no such thing as time or God or whatever for a vampire, but I don't really remember because I was zoning out every time she spoke, hoping we could get back to the day-room shots, which were lovely.

But again, let me remind you that her writing, look and surrounding cast were all excellent. I would frame the pictures I grabbed of her in her larger-than-average fangs. She's a classic undead beauty, you cannot deny it. But The Queen lost a loyal subject out of me entirely with her delivery.

But moving on, because it's not healthy to harp on this and there's a lot of good still to come.

Pro: Hoyt's response to Jessica's actions is pretty believable, and I approve — he's been a momma's boy longer than he's been a boyfriend.

Con: Tara is still upset about Eggs, I'm upset that she's upset about Eggs, doesn't she pride herself in being a smart person? Did she not just realize that she was possessed and that this lady is probably going to kill more people and make them eat hearts? So shouldn't we think about this a bit more? Nope, not Tara. She will yell and scream and say totally unfounded things like, "I finally found a strong, beautiful good man who loves me".... oh, Tara I hate to burst your bubble but, no. None of those things apply to Eggs, or anyone named Eggs, ever.

Con: Tara called Lafayette a freak....now you're just being mean. Pushing Lafayette off your side is the wrong thing to do lady.

Pro: Sam, Jason and Andy cleaning up the bar...glad we have time for this guys.

Pro: Jason and Sam fighting each other, and Jason kind of making sense — not really but a little bit, especially when he stats quoting leftover things in his brain, "sometimes you need to destroy something to save it."

Pro: Arlene's kids have taken to the woods, which is what kids do when they are hungry: turn into crazy feral children. That's why you should feed them regularly or they will turn on you.

Pro: Bill Texts Sookie. What do you think Bill's text looks like? "SUUUUKIE I WILL BE RETIRING AT THE PALACE, I WILL RETURN UPON NIGHTFALL. I WILL REQUIRE RELATIONS. ERIC IS EVIL. XO - VAMPIRE BILL"

Con: Sookie's description of Tara's feelings while being possessed made zero sense at all.

Con: Tara is spoiled and cares about no one other than herself, which is probably why she and Sook are besties. Seriously Tara you're going to let your Mom shoot the only person who cares about you? This whole nonsense is killing me. Everyone hates Eggs Tara, EVERYONE, so what you're trying to do here is not noble, it's severely irritating. LET HIM DIE.

Con: Why haven't we been seeing more of Lafayette's sex dreams? More of L's dreams, less of Sookie's, please.

Con: Lafayette's PTSD reaction. Twitchy boring annoying I hate both Tara and her mom now and whoever decided this is how they would demonstrate Lafayette's problems.

Pro: But because of his crazy PTSD episode we get Eric in Tara's mom's dress. Yay. I'd forgotten about these moments. So does this mean Lafayette is having sex dreams about Eric and PTSD dreams?

Pro: Sookie telling Tara she's being a fucking idiot. Well, at least someone said it. But it's not the same when the person delivering the news needs to be taking it as well.

Pro: Jason's mind wrapping around Sam's powers. I'm glad it doesn't actually stop here with the questions. What if Sam....

Pro: Dance With me!

Con: Sam and Arlene kids talking about their mysterious missing Daddy: "All i know is his name is Dwayne and he tattooed mama's name on her stomach." Well, that's probably not important at all, is it?

Con: Sookie telling Lafayette to suck it up. Is he not driving the car towards the problem? Timing, babe, timing.

Con: Tara storming in and kissing smiley faced Eggs and not once thinking, hmmmm this was a huge mistake. But no matter "That shit doesn't work on her anymore...punch to the face.....nope wait it does." So that was easy enough, wasn't it? Moving on.

Con: Maryann's new powers of 1,000 squeaking mice is inside our minds.

Pro: Jason arguing about taking advantage of women while they're passed out or under the influence of the devil or whatnot.

Con: SHAME on you True Blood for making me think that Andy was dead, even for a second.

Pro: Hoyt's sad backstory, finding out while his mom was all crazy pants. Also pro to whatever his Mom was cooking, out of hot sauce and candy...

Con: Sookie comparing the naked people in her house to when she almost got raped in Dallas — but really, this house defilement was so much worse than her rape. Are you kidding me? It's like there is a bell in her head saying, "Wait a minute, we stopped talking about me. Hey remember when I almost got raped, you don't? Well this is way worse. Did you hear me I said I was almost raped you know. Me me me me me me I I I I I I, the world all happens because I make it so!"

Pro: Thank god Arlene and Terry are in the tree and could stop this madness with more madness.

Pro: This is the first time I've been afraid of the black-eyed people because holy crumudgeoncrapple she just cut off her finger as a gift! I'm glad they didn't take it this far too early.

Pro: Sink guy, at my next party, I'm making sure I have one of those handy.

Pro: Eric decides to sit like this....

Con: Hey remember Pam? She remembers you and wants you to remember the funny joke she made once about shoes, remember she just said it! Think! Hard! Also BAD outfit. Pam, but arguably this is all in her wheelhouse, so it's a Con/Pro really for being consistent, like when Bill wet-blankets things.

Pro: Tea cup humans are delicious.

Con: Eric's willingness to help out, presumably to impress Sookie. Blah, we are so lucky that this whole disgusting display of emotion was then covered up with FLYING ERIC.....zoooooooooom. Eric Awaaaaay. Flying is a Pro.

Pro: Bill in flowery swimming trunks.

Con: This whole hilarious moment is almost ruined by the Queen and her attempt to convince me that she loves seeing two men together — please, with some sort of believability, please. Prove it.

Con: KARL! oh no who will bring us towels now! No way will Lafayette be her bitch man.

Con: EVR is RUINING vampire Yahtzee for me. RUINING IT. I will never forgive her for this. This is one of those moments that will probably never be captured on screen again and she is just yawning through it. I'm being robbed of the experience of fully enjoying vampire Yahtzee. And the worst part of it all, I feel like she knows she's doing it. I'm getting the impression that in her mind she doesn't really care how the Vampire Queen of Louisiana would play Yahtzee. I never actually believed that she hated 3-sies or anything else she was all but reciting from memory during this conversation. It's more, "I said a funny campy thing. Look at me, I'm so glam-glam goth, which is totally in right now, campy camp camp words, okay bye." UGH.

Pro: Thank god for Hadley and her slutty but not really bathing suit, and pigtails. It's cute trash with a red strawberry tint, and I'm into it. Am I curious about her backstory, maybe next season with the whole Arlene's other ex whatnot. I like that Bill didn't tell her Gan was dead, probably for that best.

Pro: Thank you for finally saying what we've all been thinking, Queeny. This is your pro for the night: it's time for Eric and Bill to get together already.

Pro: Eric's mussy Peter Pan hair. I can flyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Pro: Bill calling Eric desperate and than saying he'll tell the Queen he's letting humans sell vampire blood. Who's desperate now, bitch? I also like how pissed this made Eric, let's hope there is more to the Queen. A mean side perhaps?

Pro: Jason making sure he and Andy carb up before their big battle, then they each say pussy 1,000 times and Jason gets to talk about how hard it is being him... There really is too much good to this conversation. I think I need to post it.

I'm taking back last weeks aforementioned Supernatural Surveillance Andy and Sam private eye sitcom... I'm thinking it may have to be three men and a vampire baby, I can't live without Jason saying the things that he does. Accepting title submissions now.

Also another pro to Jason for foreshadowing the terrible scrambled ended. Remember this is how True Blood uses foreshadowing, by just telling us the future.

Con: Sookie is STILL on the floor? She's so helpful and smart.

Con: Sink boy is gone.

Con: Aaaaand the big reveal is a giant egg. Yep a giant freaking egg. No, no seriously a group of adults sat down and looked at each other and decided that the big climax for the second to last episode that we've bore through countless hours of group sex for, will be squeezed out of Maryann's well dressed body, because she is a chicken lady.

Then Sookie screams because they just ruined the best character in the world by making him a black-eyed zombie. And I scream, because it's a giant fucking egg. This is what I've been waiting for? So Maryann is going to make love to whatever comes out of the egg, or does it need to be fertilized like fish eggs? Will she sit on top of it at one point and cluck like a giant bird? Yes, True Blood, I was surprised, but I'm not sure if it was a good thing. Then again that's pretty ridiculous but perhaps we've gone a bit too far with this one. We may have crossed the rat shit insane Rubicon by already having Eric in a dress, Yahtzee, black eyed naked zombies and flying undead people. Just saying it's hard not to see this giant egg and think this...

And that's it. We have to wait a whole extra week before the finale, which feels like a reenactment of Jason's god hoax from the previous episodes but with more dresses, and probably a death. Here's what I'm taking away with ERW: she was bad, but beautiful. My problem with her was the stiff delivery which really got in the way when you compare her to the actors that are just going insane on this series. Eric had to bend over and convince me that children were especially yummy this episode, and he did, expertly. So can I just take old ERW as eye candy and just que sera the whole Queen conundrum, like she did to Bill's problems... Yes I can, I'm not happy about her super-fun game time face, but there's always vampire Taboo and vampire Pictionary.

So yeah, True Blood, wow. Anyone else feel like the needed a stiff drink after sitting through an hour of that? Last night, True Blood did what it usually does best, went rat shit insane and just upped all the characters to a new level of cray-cray.

I've usually praised TB for lovingly embracing all things cheesy and silly. Well, last night True Blood bent cheese over and made cheese its bitch. It felt like the writers were all trying to outdo one another at a pitch meeting, and this isn't even the big finale.

Jessica's eating Hoyt's mom, Maxine, after she punched Hoyt in the crotch, Lafayette is smacking around Tara, Maryann is building a giant meat cross and Jason — well, he's kind of the King of the idiots isn't he, so he's pretty much just ruling the show.

This was one of those episodes where you're either along for the ride, or puking up black vampire bile out the window. So I decided to give in, and let the black eyed insanity take over and try and have some fun. With that said, it's time for the pros and cons.

Con: A sexy dream with Eric and Sookie, again! Am I going to have to be subjected to the wussification of Eric every week now? Just because it's Sookie's fantasy to make out with a crying muscle man who used to be all sexy and mean, that doesn't not mean it is mine. Please stop ruining Eric — he was so close to garnering actual sex cred.

Pro: I was kind of surprised that this was a dream, mainly because I could actually see Sookie doing that with Eric, moments after she told Bill she never would. Just seems like it's in her wheelhouse. Glad it was actually a dream because I'm not 100% ready for the whole "let's fight over a self absorbed character" love triangle just yet. But we all know it's going to happen in a much bigger way, so start getting prepared for it.

Pro: Bill in a box. Anubis Air is pretty great, I would do this — seriously, today. If there was a ventilation system I'd sign up in an undead heartbeat.

Pro: The spray painted Bon Temps sign, yep that's about right. Didn't need to be clever, just obvious.

Pro: I, personally, love Maryann's meat cross because it reminds me of this giant immovable load of a plot line that is just sitting there, rotting. So yeah this works for her. Also I'm kind of in awe of the whole masterpiece and its little flowers. Lets hope this giant meat sacrifice will mark the end of the sex parties.

Con: It didn't, but at least they seem to be getting a bit more violent. So that's something...right?

Pro: Jason: "This is fuckin' fucked up" yes it is. Also gotta love the pause for the new waitress at Merlottes that he hasn't slept with. Let's hope this means our boy is back!

Pro: The whole odd-couple Andy-and-Sam moment is a great big pro. I smell a spin off. He's a drunk and he's sometimes a dog, but they gotta pay rent so they open up a private detective service together. They can call it Supernatural Surveillance or something, it's a work in progress. But the two of them make a great team. Probably because I actually believe that Andy is a real person now, and I loved Chris Bauer in The Wire but here, he's really mastered "smelly functionally funny drunk." Thank you for that.

Pro: Maxine playing Wii, it's the only thing that calms her down...me too.

Pro: Jason loading up for the warring zombie apocalypse style.

Pro: "Jesus and I agree to see other people but that don't mean we don't talk from time to time." Hey Lafayette, GET OUT OF MY HEAD. So glad he's back and being the "voice of the viewer" again.

Pro: Also, yes this is "the worst mother fucking intervention in history,"....there's no sign! Although dynamite line.

Con: Mom and Lafayette talking about how they both hurt Tara and how they let her down and should have been there for her, sorry she's a grown-ass woman. I would have left that mansion after the naked pool party. Granted, I'd miss the never ending table of fruit and towel slapping. But that would be the end there would be no more hang outs or slumber parties. And while I wouldn't mind a friend with never ending food and weed, if that meant I had to see my neighbors naked all the time, I'll pass.

Pro: Bill talking all professional like to Maryann, when they enter Sookie's completely mangled home. But of course they had to zoom in on the zombie photoshop picture of grams. I mean, forget totally soiling this place with body fluids, food, booze and possibly branches, and then building a rotting meat cross in her front yard — don't mess with Sookie's re-gifts to Tara. So yeah that whole thing, pro. Bill — you totally out-Dad Godric any day.

Con: Sookie's a Cocoon person. I knew this was coming... I can't shut out everything from the book, but I was really hoping we'd have more time before we had to deal with giving Sookie any more powers than she deserves.

Con: The line that went with Sookie's cocoon was not helping her case for having cool powers, it should have been..."FACED!!!!"

Pro: Bill vomiting out the car window hi-lar-i-ous. Vampires they're just like us! Everything Bill does that is remotely human is like a cartoon version of that scenario, like old people dressed up in trendy clothes.

Pro: Annie the Nanny, lord have mercy. WHY! It doesn't matter, it's Andy.

Con: True Blood is ruining group sex parties for me. If I see one more group sex scene I'm going to pass out from sheer boredom, which is something I never thought I would write...ever. I've been True Bloodered.

Pro: Terry calls a time out, Zach Morris style.

Pro: Just to fucking throw down that he is the wettest of the vampire blankets Bill yells at the college girl trying to buy vampire drugs. Drugs are bad! Glad we have time for this little intervention, Bill.

Pro: Terry in this entire episode, I mean I wish he was being a bit weirder. He's a little too together, but it's nice to see a smaller character get a bigger role than he usually does, especially since he's deserved it with all his strange side talk and war ticks.

Pro: Arlene yelling at Terry for shooting the good booze.

Pro: Tara chanting in her chair is the most tolerable she's ever been, for the entire season. Can we keep her like this? Please?

Pro: The God scene. What can I say? I watched this with a friend and he turned to me blankly and said, "really?" Meanwhile I was rolling around on the ground in silent I can't believe I'm watching this, when will I get to breathe again fit. Jiminy Crickets this scene was so ricockulous it needs it's own set of descriptive words. This is where I fell in love with True Blood all over again, because it just decides to go full force insane and leave the rest behind. And because Jason is standing in front of a bunch of characters I've become bored with and managed to make them interesting again, if only for one minute. And Andy stumbles around in the back holding up the god's horns, because of course God has horns. Yes, a thousands times yes, True Blood. It was just so stupid, and of course it worked, because apparently the black eyes means people are morons, which we found out just right now? They even added a special coke bottle filter to prove it the stupidity and everything, and sheesh writing a fluid plot is hard ok?

Pro: Jason can totally be a reoccurring character on Supernatural Surveillance, which now that I'm writing this name out for a second time probably needs a new title, I turn to you guys.

Pro: For me having to pause the television and stop laughing.

Pro: Samsquito returns and then transforms into naked Sam, apron boy. Andy and I had the same response, but I don't think either of us meant it.

Con: Tara's brain is just recaps from the last couple episodes, I was hoping for something more fellas, but then again, ugh, it's Tara.

Pro: No one wants Tara to go get more Eggs. Take the hint.

Con: So Bill and Sookie are all "how do we fight this terrible bull lady and neat-o I can make it light with my fingers." Well thank god, Bill read a book one time at his house, because where the hell would we be now? Oh, you don't remember him reading that book? Well, let's flash back to it to prove it — there, see? He totally read that book that one time a few episodes ago, which was why we included it in the first place, for reasons or something. Holy terrible plot hole filler in a flaming hand basket. Also his delivery for "I might know a vampire who miiiiiight [coy over the shoulder look] MIGHT [sassy head snap] be able to help or something was just make-a-sour-face bad.

Con: Sookie thinking that the whole town went to help because she left. I'm not surprised she thought this, but I like the need to remind everyone that she really is a terrible human being just one last time before the credits.

Pro: Jessica and Maxine going nuts and resorting to fang fisticuffs. I didn't think they were going to go there, and while it may have really been squeezed into this plot, I'm standing on the edge of my edge of my seat, which is basically just air. So clearly I'm excited for Jessica to kill Maxine and get this whole new drama under way.

Con: Bill runs off to see the Queen of Louisiana. Saywhatnow? The Queen? So there's a sheriff, a talking head, and a queen? You're serious with this True Blood? Not only are you totally screwing up my perception of Vampire hierarchy but I love how Bill's just like oh yeah the Queen, no bigs, Imma talk to her.

So they have a Queen, who was that bald guy that took the vampires fangs? The vice president? Bah, I'm sure you guys remember but I'm still a little ruffled from the OMG I just remembered I read a book once moment that I'm putting in as much effort as they did with this transition.

Pro: Another ending with yet another bloody foot. Methinks Ball has a bit of a foot fetish, still excited to meet the Queen, Evan Rachel Wood, even if I can't really understand this vampire royalty thing.

So that's that, and honestly I'm still processing it all. Bill's about to bust up this party because we can't be having any sort of fun while he about. Let's just hope the rest of this year, which isn't that much, and the new season aren't consistently this insane. Because like black-eyed sex parties, this kind of crazy is best consumed a bit at a time. And yet, my heart knows this is clearly going to get even more ridiculous, and the wii playing black eyed mumu wearing possessed racist in us all wants it to happen.

Last week's True Blood left the viewers with a big splodey cliffhanger. The Fellowship of the Sun's soldier, who loved Jason a little bit more than a bunk mate should, popped into the "Godric and his pajamas are awesome" party to spoil the mood completely, with a giant silver chest bomb. And then everybody cried: Eric cried, Sookie cried, Jason cried, Bill didn't cry because it would ruin his powdery makeup, and I cried...then I cried some more out of shame, and went on the roof and screamed "Gooooooodriiiiiiiiiiiic," into the new morning sun.

Now that enough time has come and gone I think we're all ready to let the healing begin with this week's Pros and Cons of True Blood:

Pro: Before all the death and destruction, Bill manages to slip in this little gem, "You may be immortal Lorena, but you are dead to me." Come on, even if you were the blood-tear-faced Lorena, I couldn't get through this conversation without stopping and saying, "wait, what excuse me did you just make a silly play on words while breaking up with me eternally?" Pro for being one of the reasons I love this show.

Pro: Then the great big bomb goes off, and it gets a pro for not being a stupid vision or premonition or something of that nature.

Pro: Pro to Sookie being worried about her brother, and pro to Jason for his "thumbs up" response.

Pro: Bill not killing the Fellowship of The Sun's kid. But Con for everyone thinking that Godric was the first vampire to show patience and understanding while being incredibly tired of the antics of his people. Mopey Bill has been doing this forever. He's cornered the Southern market on "self righteous/self hating vampires just trying to do the right thing." He's just been busy cleaning up after all of Sookie's messes, and trying to keep her out of trouble. Sure Bill doesn't really want to be here, and he's tried countless times to pull Sookie out of the whole Dallas mess because it's "not their problem". But this is the moment when we see Bill involved, and it's bad ass. And that's really the only difference between these two: Godric is trying, and clearly failing, to make a difference and Bill is still finding his voice and spine. Don't forget he willingly led a "meet the local vampire" talk at Gram's church.

I caught a lot of flak last week for calling Godric the Dad vampire, and saying that I just wasn't that invested in a character that started off as an interesting new addition to the True Blood family but later traded all of that cred in for a giant MARTYR t-shirt. Especially since Bill has been acting like a wet blanket forever — but when Godric does it, it's cool. More on this later. But the moment when Bill was yelling at the terrified youth about mercy got me thinking about how the two vamps are similar.

Pro: So lets all just agree that Eric tricking Sookie into sucking on his chest was brilliant, and Sookie is an idiot for doing so. Every single moment is delightful, especially her disgust. BUT in her defense, she calls herself a moron for falling for Eric's shtick multiple times. Plus snaps for calling Eric a "big lying a-hole." Sookie lying is just too precious for words. While Bill may be thinking Eric preyed upon her "goodness", we know he really preyed upon her idiocy.

Con: Stan's death means no more cowboy vampires in studded shirts, black hats and tight pants... Sniffle.

Con: Something needs to be done about Bill's make up — he still looks like Alan Cumming via Cabaret.

Pro: Hoyt wants Jessica to meet his Mom. Aw, this guy just does everything right.

Con: Except for the singing, this... this.... was forced. I was uncomfortable, it was awkward. Don't become that weird guy that goes all crazy after having sex, and start making Jessica hair dolls, writing songs about the way she smells or showing up at odd intervals during Jessica's undead life.

Con: Tara waking up with bruises all over her body and not being pissed. I would be pissed, really pissed, especially at Eggs. And not just because I woke up bruised and battered next to a guy named Eggs, but because I woke up bruised with a guy named Eggs who insists on holding my hand at the breakfast table after I blacked out, possibly from having too much to drink/eating heart souffle. Get off already.

Con: Maryann trying to justify the blackouts to Tara and Eggs by saying it's transcending a higher plane and then bringing up mystics. M... have you met the people you're living with? Tara and Eggs don't care about the Mystics of India. In fact, I'm not even sure they know what India is, let alone a mystic, but I will take a Bloody Mary, hold the boring blackout plot line, k?

Pro: Jason saying that people liked him for his good looks and "sex abilities." Jason everyone loves you for that, not like, love. They also love you because you know this, and hilariously label them as "abilities."

Pro: I enjoyed the Sookie and Jason's bedtime reminiscence session. It needed to be done — the two characters had a lot to talk about with all the murders and death running a muck in their lives. And they both needed to tell one another that it's time to grow up.

Con: But, someone needed to stop Sookie's incessant sexy head craning, towards the end. It skeeved me out. Thankfully they cut away very quickly, to the Newlins.

Pro: Watching the Newlins unravel on TV. From his bruise to Sara saying she hates his hair, it was a great thing to see.

Pro: Terry and Arlene are slowly riding up on second favorite True Blood Couple. Especially when Arlene breaks down in tears, I like that she's kind of an open book about her life.

Con: Why is Eggs surprised that Lafayette freaked out when he walked in with the completely battered and bruised Tara? How did he not see this coming? She practically has a broken jaw. And his response is "don't give me shit?" it's like he wants to get a beating. Then he accidentally wallops Tara midfight — uuuugh-disgusted-eye-roll.

Pro: Maxine Hoyt's mom and her hate for just about everyone for no real reason — especially when she says her hatred of black people is supposed to be a secret — is a pretty damn realistic character. I've met and had excessively long dinners with people just like this who, coincidentally, told me that, "only two kinds of women wear red shoes, school girls and hookers." I feel like I know you Maxine, and that's sad and scary, but I'm glad True Blood is getting a taste of your insecurities.

Pro: Eric being all naked and putting the sexy moves on Sookie in her dreams.

Con: How it slowly turned into Eric hand holding and gabbing like a school girl in bed. Why would you ruin this for me? After all the work and haricuts we went through to make him sexy again.

Pro: Lafayette's intervention see-through top. Along with his delivery and back and forth with Maryann, Eggs and Tara. It's about time people — let's spice it up, shall we? Sadly, I really could have done without Tara screaming
"EEeeeeeggggggsssss." No one wants Eggs that bad — Eggs doesn't even want Eggs that bad.

Pro: Maxine's baby zinger to Jessica. That's one for the racist old lady. But Jessica did look very pretty.

Pro: Nan Flanigan. The TV vampire is a stone cold bitch of reason. She's tough as nails, and I love it. No idea why they would send the talking head to deal with big issues, but I like that she knows she doesn't have supreme authority but is aware that being on TV gives her some level of power. This is pretty much real life fact, sadly. Plus when Godric is all "I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF OMG I'M SAD AND A LONELY VAMPIRE DON'T TRY AND STOP ME" Nan doesn't even compute what's happening and brushes it off with a "It's not a big deal." Nan, come back next week please!

Con: Seconds after Godric gives the big "I'm going to kill myself but I'm saying it mysteriously but not really at all...did you hear me? I'm going to commit suicide in like an hour" speech they cue up the violins of sadness.

Pro: Bill, for punching Eric.

Con: Bill, you probably should have done this seven hours ago.

Pro: Whatever Andy is watching on TV. "That is one nutty ostrich."

Now let's talk about the sun suicide. Because there was a lot of good and bad. And remember I did get a little choked up because the sappy music told me too until the whole blue blaze debacle.

Pro: Eric brought down the house. Sure it was cheesy but when he broke into their super secret ancient Viking code language, I felt it. Yeah it was a little too much "Eric's-Big-Moment", and sure the last episode Eric was all "I don't know what love is," and then he got on his knees and wept showing us all that he really did! And, sure, we all saw this coming 10 miles on down the road, and he was kind of smile crying in the end but I still wanted it to happen, the break down that is. We needed it to happen, there's more to Eric than evil and hopefully a lot more to Eric than the cuddle fight dream Sookie had. I think we got a chance to see it here. Fingers crossed he goes bananas and just kills all of the humans in hotel.

UPDATE: Turns out that secret code language is actually Swedish, which is about as close to a super secret viking language as I'll ever get, so yeah, I'm good calling it that.

Pro: Some of Godric's words really helped explain his mood. When Eric told him he could forcibly keep him alive, the little manchild looked up and whispered, "Why would you be so cruel?" Had they not paraded Godric around in the last episode as the male Childlike Emperor with a gigantic death wish, I probably would have got a lot more out of the dialogue, but I still understood what they were trying to do. I understood, but I didn't care. It was more compelling when Eric was smile crying his feelings and begging.

Pro: Godric admitting that he knew his whole "I'll let them kidnap me, what could go wrong?" plans with Fellowship of The Sun were pretty bad, and I can understand his justification of "I don't think like a vampire anymore." I needed that, thank you. I was still pissed about this foolproof idea from last week.

Con: Godric's 1,000 goodbyes "do you believe in god, will god punish me, take care of Eric, I'm not scared, I'm surprised, I just found god" Yes, yes, yes we know — pick one. You got the big goodbye with Eric. You don't get another, and another. By this point I just thought, Get On With It. They needed to keep it simple. We knew, ok I knew, he was going today due to all his previous martyr moping. The 18 goodbyes complicated the sadness and why he was doing it in the first place. His final, final speech was muddled and a bit of a mess. We never really knew 100% why he was doing this and that got in the way of truly feeling sorry for him.

Then it actually was all happening and I was sad, because the music told me to feel that way and I liked half of the things the childlike Emperor said. We knew he would die the moment we met him, but now he's leaving...and the music is rising and tears are welling up.

Con: But then this happened...

and this....

I don't think there is a word for how bad those effects were. So I'll call them Quantumleapamechanicsvamp terrible. Lets hope the next body Godric jumps into isn't a girl with trouble or he's really gonna need Al's help and a little remote controller thingy to get out of this one. oh boy.

Also, special thanks to Loving True Blood In Dallas who was kind enough to have silly old me on their show last night. It's a great site for TB fans.

This entire episode was packed with strange happenings and uncomfortable situations from Bill walking in on Jessica and Hoyt doin' the yelly hand-over-the-face-deed (kind of rough for the first time right?) to Godric throwing the smack down on the hair-pulling "he's mine, I'm his, we're ours and each others" cat fight. It was like one gigantic awkward vampire prom.

Plus True Blood finally "dealt with the shit" we've been waiting forever to see. Huzzah action, and not just in a ho-hum naked party kind of way. Plus it was all daintily sprinkled with the light handed touch of True Blood nuance, start with the title, "Time Bomb." Why, what ever could that mean? It's my favorite episode of the season thus far.

The Pros And Cons of True Blood

Con: Godric gets another chance to prove he's more than just the other half of those smiley faced frat guy twins hanging outside of Abercrombie and Fitch beckoning tweens inside with their tiny post-pubescent muscles. How did he fall so far in one simple moment? We sang his praises for all things ridiculous and covered in fake dreadlocks, and this is how you repay us? Godric is one low strung frontal pelvic cleavage showing pair of jeans away from being written off forever. I mean if he's the big man in Dallas who is stronger than anyone and can do whatever he wants, why does he need to fit in if that's all beneath him?

Pro: But I like the Godric neck snapping moment. Goobye Sookie's rapist but before he leaves with a crunch the rape artist mutters a knowing "it's me." What, what? Is the Old G in cahoots with the Bible huggers? We may never know, as is the way here on True Blood and any one that threatens Sookie's dirty pillows is killed off. Let's hope Eggs tries to grope her next.

Pro: Sookie's "aaawwwwkwaaard" look when Eric kneels at Godric's Feet.

Pro: Jason's blank expression to Sarah Newlin's failure of an attempt to be intellectually frightening, "There are wolves in our hen house, we must guard our flock." Aw Sarah you know better, he's a moron talk to him in smaller sentences.

Pro: Jason going bat shit about the Fellowship having his sister Sookie, menfolk, take note this is the kind of tough ass stands up for his kin kind of route that doesn't offend. Makes a girl wanna big brother.

Con: Eric on "Maker" Don't use words you don't understand.

Con: Eric on "Love" Don't use words I don't understand.

Ah overwrought banter, thy name is True Blood. Somewhere the fairy of good dialogue has fallen to the ground, gasping for air. Clap, clap people say you believe.

Pro: Eric's human impression, hunched back, geeky smile, bad Southern accent and meek little attitude.

Con: Lorena, you have Crossed the Line, or as she and Bill would say "Crrwaaaaaassed the Liaaaane" leave Barrie alone, he's cute and appears to be smarter than most characters in Dallas.

Pro: Bill walking in on Jessica and Hoyt and all that follows. These two are awk-tastic. Another Pro for Bill actually paying attention to his responsibilities as a maker and telling her to get the heck outta town before taking off to help Sookie.

Pro: Lafayette being all magic mystery woman with his Tarot cards, excellent. I demand that all Zoltar machines be replaced with Lafayettes from here on out.

Con: When Eggs walks in and ruins this moment between Lafayette and Tara, I was ready for more sass. Stop cutting back on the Lafayette give the people what they want. Do you too find yourself rolling your eyes in desperation with this character. Do not want.

Con: More sad face Eggs.

Con: Sam getting a mysterious phone call from his bar and then deciding to head there because... whyu not like someone just tried to cut out his heart? This won't end in tears at all.

Con: Daphne being dead and Sam getting so cleverly manipulated into walking into a trap, how this guy figures out how to get dressed in the morning baffles the mind.

Pro: Maryann cooking Daphne's Heart is the most interesting and frightening thing she has done in weeks. It was fantastically brutal to watch. Blood was pouring out of that thing, it gave me a shudder.

Pro: Eric torture porn moaning time.

Pro: Steve is right about the pieces of silver vampire lore, since Judas betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver it's believed that is why vampires are repelled by the shiny matter. So, you know, OK sure why not, it doesn't really make sense unless you believe that Judas is the Father of all vampires, which doesn't really make sense in the TB-verse.

Pro: Bill getting to yell SOOOOOKIE again and again and again while running about in the Church. Can we have a doll that does this when we punch it in the stomach already.

Pro: The vampire cowboy cavalry is here and it's about damn time we got to see Ed Quinn with some sharp and pointies.

Con: Godric's whole speech. I dunno the calamitous situation needed to be resolved but this "turn the other cheek" attitude really lacks the carnal bloodletting I was hoping for. So, Godric in his pajamas and tribal necklace tattoo pick up Steve with the paint gun forehead and asks the congregation "who is willing to die for this man's madness?" The fine folks of the fellowship look at the floor and give the "did I tivo America's Got Talent?" blank stare back at their fearless leader. Situation resolved, humans are babies. Weeks of tension, almost raping Sookie and Ed Quinn's rants were all just building up to a speech about believing in humanity and ethics, while Steve wailed for his own death. Oh and it turns out Godric is older than Jesus, which mean really super duper old, but they didn't like hang out or anything.

Pro: Jason explains things better than most people on this show, for example on his Fellowship experience, "it's like they sucked out my brain and planted all his own babies in there." I would actually completely understand this if this was told to me. Then Jason tells a witty joke about being in heaven to Steve...you see heaven=sex with his wife zing!

Con: Andy Bellefleur he's so crazy and drunk he says crazy things and runs around in his dirty clothes is getting to be as tired as the sexy parties. Someone needs to believe this drunk now. But I'll never get tired of hearing that the murderer is a "Bull, with claws, in a dress, with claws." Still we don't need to be repeating this plot over and over, we get it drunk, no one believes him, check.

Pro: Maryann interrupting the Tara and Eggs talking session with Hunter's Soufflé. Pro for the blood pouring out of it, the bloody knife pro for the eating, the whole meal is pro, up until...

Con: "I feel like a superhero." Please don't give Eggs any more excuses to act stupid and take off his shirt. You are ruining the Hunter's Soufflé for me, ruining. And oh what a huge surprise, the meal causes them to have sex, again, sigh. I would have preferred it if Tara had just continued to kick Eggs in the nuts.

Con: On me for just now realizing that the Tarot card reading was about a SACRIFICE OF THE HEART and it most likely meant this, oh lord.

Pro: The next party I throw is going to be like Godric's welcome home party where people get in line just to say nice things to me, but like I'm an ancient vampire lord. Also why does he need a party he went willingly?

Pro: Hoyt and Jessica another classic and totally original scene. Loved it, from her asking him "you don't like me anymore" coyly to convince him to get naked in the living room to the discovery that her lady bits have healed after she had sex for the first time in Dallas. That sucks, seriously I weep for her. That being said, Ilove the idea behind the moment, very clever, if not totally disheartening. The poor dear is going to have oh so many issues already, now this?

But let's talk the talk about the situation What does this mean, she's wearing earrings, wouldn't her earlobes have healed? What about vampire, ahem, boy bits. Are all circumcisions undone to male vampires? Just a thought. Or is this another you are the way you were when made forever rule? Either way it doesn't really make the fact that she's going to have to "lose it" every time she wants to have sex any more appealing.

Pro: Anyone else catch Jason trying on Cowboy hats in the back.

Con: Godric letting Hugo go. So he's moved past being the wise old lecturer to the vampire Dad of Dallas.

Con: Eric and Bill fighting and Eric still being in his tank top. Sookie changed, Jason appears to have found another gray t-shirt belonging to a toddler he can squeeze into, even Godric changed, but Eric is busting out the gun show, because *duh* it's sexy!

Pro: Jason and Bill hug it out.

Pro: Lorena's use of Shenanigans.

Pro: Sookie asking Lorena if she has any shame, I usually hate Sookie's pious rants but I had her back on this one. I mean sure it turned into a cat fight and that was predictable, but the words that came out of both women felt like they came from a real place. Lorena is bonkers and shamelessly in love with Bill, it's tragically sad. She had to be humiliated out of leaving. And the sad black blood tears only made it more pathetic and real. My heart broke for her, even though she annoyed me a bit in the earlier episodes, I'm glad they took this relationship to a realistic place.

I told you this whole episode reminded me of a high school prom. Groups of people that normally don't get along or mingle are forced in room together, guys awkwardly hugging one another, bickering over relationships, a Dad chaperone has to step in and break up a bunch of fights and in the end a boy makes a girl in a long pretty red dress cry. I mean not my prom but a prom if you will, ahem, it's not like...SOB.

Con: Godric the Dad Vampire steps in again. "Giiiirls stop this right now or I will turn this nest around so help me Satan."

Pro: Human bomb. Will further the vampire human wars.

Con: Human bomb, depending on who it kills could be a massive let down as we know they're not killing off any of the main players. My money is on the Dad Vampire, who frankly I'm not sure if I like him or not, I thought this week would be a deciding factor but I'm still split. I like that he's stronger than everyone, but doesn't need to prove it, just kind of shuts it down with a look. But he's kind of a downer. I think I'll need more time.

UPDATE: Also I feel like I should mention, which I didn't in the review and now regret, my other reason for disliking Godric, because to me, and this is to me in my own opinion you guys can go on lovin' on him all you want, he just seems like a big future plot point. He's so different, so calm, so "just" that it is just SO obvious to me that they will kill him off (guessing). This is what I think, and it cheapens the idea of how great he is because I know the only real reason we're supposed to like the soul level-headed vampire in the world, is because he's marked for death. That way when Eric or some other vampires go crazy with revenge, we'll all be torn up. Torn because Godric wouldn't want this, torn because we want revenge. I just wish he had a few more flaws....but I'd like to hear what you all think.

Oh and the final Pro, Eric's tank top, it's a racer back....

Photoshoprie by Lauren Davis

So how do you compete with last weeks amazing vampire lounge lizard moment? Easy, Melrose Place it up. This week was all feelings, elaborate costumes and tears, bloody tears. I enjoyed it, but I feel like we're moments away from the good stuff, and I can't wait to see Godric and his frat buddies unleashed on these Christian vampire haters (seriously Godric looked like the morning remnants from a Jersey Shore party, tribal arm tatt included, and after I said he looked neat a few weeks ago... Tsk, tsk.)

But I'm getting ahead of myself... onward, to the Pros and Cons of True Blood.

Con: Not even threatening the death of my beloved puppy boy can make me interested in the done-to-death sex parties. Maryann, you need a new shtick, and fast. But on the other hand, it did give us this...

Pro: The screaming. Oh, the screaming. Eggs — well there really isn't much else to say at this point is there? It was fun being on that vampire show, wasn't it? Time to pack your things and just go, OK? Thanks, you can keep the tight t-shirts and guitar.

Con: Also, I think it's important to note that certain people keeping their tops on during the sexy party are ruining the reality of the sexy party. Just sayin'.

Pro: I'll take two vampire-hating kits and board games, please.

Pro: Bill's outfit and reading of the foreshadowing book are uber subtle, no? What's next an "I'm troubled" tank top?

Pro: Finally learning where Bill's horrible accent comes from, his sexy maker. "You are Vampire, they are food." She must have coined the whole "I Am Vampire" phrase and passed it on to him. Also I agree with the whole "Bill is a wet blanket" idea — it's so true.

Con: While I enjoyed learning more about Bill's roots, this whole back and forth is like watching a soap opera that never gets interesting. Why did we need the little flapper girl? She was cute, but not "Let's have sex on top of her while she gurgles out her last breath" interesting. They just sent her away. Couldn't Lorena have done something exciting with her? Like ripped off her scalp, and tried to go dusty blond? Now that would have been incredible, and believable in the TB verse. But instead Bill is all, "I can't" and Lorena is, "you must" and I'm all, "I'm out of chocolate milk....*shrug* Yeah, I can miss this scene."

Pro: Jason nailed the "Ooooh crap, what did I just get myself into?" post-coital face. Wonderful, bravo. This whole moment watching Sarah realize she's in love with Jason, and him freak the hell out, was hilarious. Ryan Kwanten deserves the Golden Globe this year.

Pro: Hoyt And Jessica. I wasn't surprised that either of them was a virgin, but Jessica, you stun and amaze me with your delivery of the term "Dickhead." I felt like I was on that bed, too, talking about how much our parents suck, and boyz, and whatnot. She is real, they are real, this whole relationship is too real to be about vampires. I love you both, thank you.

Pro: Meanwhile over at the "vampires who pretend to care about humans" posse. It's a sexy-off! Vampire Cowboys versus Vampire Bikers. It's hard for me to pick a favorite, but I'm always going to lean a little towards Ed Quinn, because... well, look at him. Still, we're getting bits and pieces of Eric this season that are, in turn, making him more interesting, and therefore not just a walking hair cut.

Con: We almost made it through a whole episode without getting served another helping of bad Eggs. Sigh for another gross cuddle moment. Also another con for trying to bring back the Reese's Pieces line — not funny last episode, and still not funny now.

Pro: When Steve finds out who Jason really is, the look on his face, that's real love and betrayal. He took that "Jason loves vampires" news like it was his own boyfriend — this should be good.

Pro: "The bleeds have begun," I like that this is what happens to vampires when they don't rest — nice foreshadowing from Jessica earlier, as well. And speaking of Jess, where the hell is she in all of this? I know that their rooms are combined and soundproof, but really? She doesn't try to leave at all.

Con: For a second there, I really thought Maryann had killed Daphne in rabbit form, and then they were going to eat her. That would have been funny. But it was just a rabbit... Right?

Pro: "The road crew?"

Pro: Sam is next to tears, because he slept with someone who didn't treat him like the precious princess he really is. Oh, and she tried to kill him — but I think it's more about the sex. Shoot her, shoot her!

Pro: Finding out what Maryann is from Daphne, even though we all kind of knew already. Still, I'm hoping this means we can move forward with the sexy-party storyline.

Pro: Hugo has a point: I can see how having a relationship would ruin just about everything in your life. I would sympathize more if he stopped complaining.

Pro: We're staring to see the old Lafayette return — big pro.

Pro: Date raping Terry — you know, just a little bit. Kind of hilarious that this is what she assumed happened, bless her.

Pro: He bought candles and roses... of course Hoyt did. My heart, it weeps for more understanding menfolk. But quick question: When he left to go get his flowers and candles what did Bill and his Maker think? Wouldn't he have to walk past them both?

Con: Sarah shooting Jason. You could tell it was a dart, I'm not fooled. (or paintball OK!!!)

Pro: Daphne's death, bye-bye to those sad wittle puppy eyes. For a second, a split second, I actually felt sorry for her. But in reality this character served her purpose, and it's time for her to go. Also why exactly did Eggs need to be here for this again?

Con: Why is it Sookie is always the one who's getting sexually assaulted? It's always her — no one else really. Seems like we're forcing the damsel-in-distress issue a bit. She's already locked up, we need more?

Con: Vampire Suicide! I found myself yelling Do it, do it, do it, do it. That whole set up is just silly and dramatic — perfect for another Vampire Days of Our Lives flashback. While I like the emotion it's just a lot of screaming about stuff we already assumed, in pretty dresses.

Pro: This whole adorable moment. Don't worry detective you're not going crazy, yet. And fuck those zombies.

Pro: More Barrie. But who grabbed him?

Con: Godric looking 1,000 times less cool than before. I feel dirty for getting excited about him if they were just going to wrap him up like a Freshman co-ed.

Finally here's the surprise....

Last week's episode was... well, it moved me. The flashback featuring Bill as Data the white-faced-robot-vampire took me to places I didn't even know I could reach. Words fail me, and my true gratitude for the piano playing vampire can only be expressed with this brilliant video, so enjoy:

Video by Mike "piano cat" Byhoff.

Honestly guys I think this weeks big TB moment, the singing Vampire Bill, will stay with me for years and years and years. I really don't even have much more general recap to say other then did you go as bonkers with hysterical laughter as I did?

The Pros and Cons of TB:

Pro: Eric's indifference towards his willing cup o' blood. I also kind of love how calling him baby really gets him "out of the mood." But then why is he all sweet to her afterwards? Eric isn't a nice creature? Confusing for me — anyway, Bill's old flame is back, and acting not interested — but we all know she clearly is because, duh, Bill's hot and says words like he's being punched. (Dreamy.) All this is a pro... if they actually make her do something, unlike the other women of this show, who either do the opposite of what they should for obvious plot reasons, wait for the menfolk to make decisions, or continue to throw the same old boring sex parties again and again and again.

Con: So Eric brings in Bill's maker — crafty old blond dog — and meanwhile, Bill is FREAKING out about the door knocking. Seriously? It's someone at the door. Chill the fuck out. Where was this spazzing when everyone else knocked on the door or called earlier?

Pro: Holy. Mother. Of. God. HE SINGS. BILL THE VAMPIRE SINGS. Someone peel me off the ceiling — I cannot contain myself. This is sexy? This is RIDICULOUS. Please let him get up and grab his vampire knees, and start doing the freaking Charleston all over the place with vintage vampire jazz hands. Wow, that is just...where is the rewind button? I need more of this saccharine singing happy-face howling. Holy hell, did you see the little head flip, when he finished? Unbelievable. Ugh, this is just the ultimate pop vampire moment — top that, you has-been, Edward. Can you tickle the ivories like Billy-boy here?

Pro: I think I'm still reeling from the shock of watching that whole moment, because I almost missed his godforsaken French accent. Did he study a cartoon character for tips of mastering the French dialect? Bill sounds like a fake French Bugs Bunny in drag. Delightful. I mean, in general, it's a disaster, but I'm still rolling around on the ground at the sight and sound of Bill singing.

Con: "Because not taking a risk is riskier." No Sam that's not word play, that's bullshit. If someone said that to me they would be getting an are-you-kidding-me look from my direction, quite possibly followed by a "really?" What's next, are you going to tell him to take the "road less traveled?" This girl is no good an insincere. And look at her sullying up a perfectly lovely pool table, no respect. Also, how long do you think it takes Sam to round brush his puppy hair like that? It's so perfectly styled, you just want to....well...pet it.

Pro: Tara for yelling at Maryann. Now, can she keep up this hot streak of one Pro? Turns out... no.

Pro: We need way more Karl, he is more man than runny old Eggs. He may not have taken offense to Eggs, but I sure did. Karl falls to the floor after a proper smacking, makes the coffee, and gives manservant-esque kneeling foot massages, and he is still more man than the open-shirt Eggs.

Pro: Yay awkwardness between Sarah and Jason after all the heavy religious petting that happened. True Blood, the one thing you do, do pretty well is make characters feel the consequences of their actions. Look at Lafayette last week. He's full of vintage vampire juice, but he's still carrying the mental scars deep inside. Well, except for Sookie and Bill — but that's because they sold their souls to the devil for a bottle of lube and some shiny lip gloss. Seems like that's what they would take for their souls, anyway.

Pro: More inappropriate touching from Steve... hmmm.

Con: Sookie gets some human-dating-vampire advice from her new friend Mr. What'shisfacenotimportant. "I know we're both fighting for our relationship, for each other, to stay together." How do you have any friends at all? Seriously, Sookie — do you hear the things you are saying? Ugh, just stomach turning. Can we go back to the singing vampire now please?

Con: Eggs acting bewildered. Notice they had to pump up the scary muzak to 11, because, well, he's worthless. Sorry but it's true.

Pro: Bellefleur's tirade to Lafayette, "You weren't on a cruise. If you if you were you would have come back with more pizazz not less." The use of Pizazz is just well pizzaztic. He's got a point: Lafayette is totally pizzazzless. And we're worried about him, especially when he's afraid of everyone and Bellefleur's face changes into Eric. Someone help our boy!

Pro: Well, of course Terry comes to the rescue. This actually makes a lot of sense: one trauma victim to another. It's a sweet little scene. But seriously, only in True Blood, where I just saw a singing vampire does this on-the-floor, quickie man-hug actually work.

Pro: Hoyt all pissed and sweaty, and pissed, and sweaty. Gonna have to say, I'd take Hoyt over Eric and Bill any day. Especially when he throws the smackdown on his mom because "Now Jessica is going to think I'm one of those boys that, like, never texts back." HOYT OUT.

Con: Eggs is sad. Poor sad Eggs. Because you found a bloody rock and now you're so confused-a-boozeled.

Pro: Sam growing a pair, and actually living up to his sex appeal. We all watched the video tape on workplace sexual harassment, but I wouldn't have minded a boss like that. I also wouldn't mind the ability to turn into a deer. But you know if wishes were deer people, beggars would ride.

Con: Look Sookie is doing the opposite of what she was asked to do and promised she would do — huge surprise. Once again lives are put in jeopardy, all due to the whims of Ms. Stackhouse.

Pro: MORE evil Bill all the time. He's like a collection of grunts, screams, growls, evil eyes and mouth breathing. Did he close his jaw the entire time he was evil? Gotta love they are literally having sex on top of the half dead girl living next to him, oh and did you not think French Bugs Bunny in drag YET AGAIN when screamed "Au revoir"!

Pro: Pam is back, and with yet another terrible outfit. I see we've moved from teenage clothes to tacky West Coast moms with too much money. All right then.

Pro: Sookie has been back-stabbed by a rat — I like it. She could have tried a wee bit harder to get them out of there, don'tcha think? Like, "If you'll please excuse me and my husband, I need to go to the bathroom." Then climb out the window. But don't lead What'shisfacenotimportant right into danger. So did Eric set this up with Bill's old Maker, so he could save Sookie or something?

Con: The whole ET thing. Stop. You're not making it happen guys, let it go. It's like Fetch: it's never going to happen

Con: Now that is a sexy party. I love that they need a live band for the fucking party. Really? And yawn, this again? I'm not surprised. Are you? It's basically the same thing with less prep work.

Pro: Sam is right about his anti-drum rule. It usually does lead to hippies or a cult, which are both bothersome and unfortunate.

Pro: Jessica wakes up and the first thing she does is check her phone — sigh, I've been there. And hooray, Hoyt drove all the way to be with her in Dallas — of course he is, because he's perfect and wonderful and good. We too have been there, but you know, only in our minds. Jessica and Hoyt: the only couple you don't want to tie up and throw into a river on True Blood.

Pro: He uses the C word.

Con: Daphne, you whore — leave my puppy alone. He was just starting to get good, too. I swear if you harm him, I'll end you. But the screaming? Really, Sam. I was just getting done telling everyone what a big man you were. This is not helping.

UPDATE:
Play 'em off Piano Bill:

This week's episode treats us to another big fat reveal in the first few seconds, just like old times. Sadly the rest of this week's episode is mainly set up and closure (both good and bad). Good, because... well, Sarah and Jason finally touched each other's holy places (more her to him, but you know what I mean) and bad, because we met all these fancy big city vampires and there just wasn't enough time to get to know them and their fancy rich cowboy clothes. Oh, and Godric? I approve. But let's get on with it, because there are some things we have to discuss, True Blood — like never, ever making a "balls" pun ever again.

The Pros And Cons Of Last Night's True Blood

Pro: I like the idea that Daphne drunk means she'll just spew out anything in her mind... ZOMG, deer people. Aw, I like her so much better as a deer. Also how cute is it when Sam was all "Hi there!" to the deer. He really does have a puppy persona. But seriously if they have deer-on-dog-on-deer sex, I'm not going to watch that.

Pro: Arlene and Terry together are cute and they seem good to one another. Good: Terry needs some attention.

Pro: Listening in on a glamour was interesting. I hope that if it ever happens to me, it's not that music, though.

Pro: Sookie getting "This is Dallas, baby"-ied. Wake up, lady — you can't just run around screaming "Mind reader!"

Pro: Jessica and the eating-disorder dig. I never thought of that, maybe she could?

Pro: Bill trying to get Sookie to understand anything. Hasn't she proved to you, time and again, that she is an idiot who will pretty much do the opposite of what you tell her? It's upsetting to watch him explain right and wrong to her. She's not listening — sigh — oh, and now they are going to have sex again. Ugh. I'm tired of these two and their frolicking. I need new True Blood sex, please. And no — Tara and Eggs do not count.

Pro: Hoyt and Jessica's phone conversation. Sigh, I miss those days "really, really." This is super cute. Darn the whole star-crossed lovers nonsense, I'm rooting for these two. They are the most realistic thing on this show.

Con: Training begins for Jason, so of course it's time to bring out the tired old drill sergeant cliche who calls people "fangbangers" instead of "fags". So far, I'm not sold on it.

Con: Tara and Eggs pillow talk. I don't know what's worse: the soft guitar background music, or these two together. They even spooned out towards the camera with big "we're happy because we had sex" grins. Every time these two finish a scene, I half expect them to take a bow after wards and yell out "Acting!"

Con: Ah, Sookie has never heard of a Continental breakfast —really? But never mind with that — there are lives to ruin. So the scared boy tells you "please don't tell people I'm a telepath, because I'm afraid they will kill me?" Let's go downstairs and spout off around his secret all over his place of employment. Nothing bad will come of this.

Con: Sookie, if you want to be called a woman, you need to start acting like an adult.

Pro: I really hope Lafayette isn't all messed up in the head, because I really miss him, and the show isn't the same without him, but then again, who wouldn't be? Feel better, L — we're rooting for you and your sassy return, whenever you feel it's right.

Pro: Oh, I like this Maryann twist, her moving in. Ok, okay, color me interested. And of course Tara will let them move in because she's terrible, and Eggs is terrible and they can all be terrible together.

Pro: Nathan Stark is a vampire. It's so hot, I don't even know what to do with myself. Plus who doesn't love how lame Sookie and Bill are in front of them. "Respect her!" Ah you two are the eternal downers.

Pro: Ah, the first little crack in the Newlin relationship. Sarah is unhappy, and Steve doesn't care, it's like a real marriage! Also there was some unnecessary shoulder touching going on — what is this all about? Steve, are you using your religion as a beard?

Pro: Jason and Sarah. it's. about. damn. time. Did anyone else have a hard time watching this with friends around? I found myself saying, "Whew, yeah...so.... that was....huh....yeah..." You have to love how Sarah almost attempts to justify her actions as rewarding Jason. Jesus. I'm proud of Jason for saying no the first time, he's come so far guys. Also, thank you, True Blood, for giving us sexy time other than Sookie and Bill.

Pro: Eric the viking: surprisingly masculine. They are really setting him up to just steamroll over boring Bill, aren't they?

Pro: Godric is pretty fantastic. This would be the first True Blood flashback that didn't make me want to claw my eyes out — the first being the Civil War slut scene between Bill and his maker. I would like to meet more of these ancient vampires, and I'm pretty sure we will this season.

Pro: Rich country vampires! First of all Ed Quinn as a vampire...there aren't even words. Even in the silly cowboy get-up with the so-so accent and jerky attitude, it was...well thanks everyone. Hand-shakes around the room for everyone who worked on casting this, because it made my night. But there was hardly enough. I want more awkward "we're not used to dealing with humans" banter, and silly Texas outfits. The more vampires we start meeting (that aren't from the sassy punk nest during the first season), the more vampires I want to see.

Pro: Sookie's big-city make up.

Con: Oh god my ears. Just after that lovely flashback scene, you give me the balls and rack pool pun. You are better than this, Alan Ball. You can even see the disdain in the actors eyes while delivering it. It's like their skin is peeling. Just awful. See look I've already totally forgotten the things Daphne was saying about other shapeshifters and werewolves — just undoing the work you do beforehand, really.

Con: Hey the bell hop "quit" or did you get him killed, Sookie? Did that even cross your mind?

Pro: Maryann dressed up as the grandma, oh dear. This really made me laugh in a creepy, "Ok sure why not" kind of way. Tarahis stupid not to see through this ridiculous act. If I came home and the weird rich 40-something woman who always dressed up in beautiful dresses and jewelry was in a drab grandma dress, I would kick her the hell out immediately. At least they are attempting to make her more interesting. Let's hope this works.

Pro: So this is Bill's ex-girlfriend, right? Okay, just checking. Not sure what else to think of her, besides that. We'll have to wait until next week, I guess. Not really the awesome cliffhanger we're used to.

Con: Has anyone been keeping tabs on Jessica this whole time?

And for all of you who made it to the end of this little crazy rant/review/procon hootinanny here's a treat: Ed Quinn in a cowboy hat:

This was the first episode this season when we really got to start seeing how the other vampires live. Turns out not all fangers hang out in crappy Bon Temps all the time. Some of them live a life of luxury, and this week we got to see vampire airlines, travel coffins, room service and even vampire porn. So let's get started!

Pro: First up, oh it's these silly boys again, that just can't seem to stop making gay jokes at Jason's expense, because they're so straight and stuff. The totally hetero, only-into-chicks guy has just got to get it out of his system already. Tell Jason you love him, he'll understand. Also kudos to Jason on delivering a "what did five fingers say to the face" type joke.

Pro: Jason makes clip-on ties look good.

Pro: Our young lovers and new favorite characters from the last episode are interrupted. You guys called them an obvious Romeo and Juliet, and the show's move of forcibly separating the two only seems to confirm your suspicions. Also, big plus for Hoyt, addressing Bill as, "Vampire Bill."

Pro: Jessica goes on the defensive for her new found love and makes some pretty good points. Bill should feel like shit for making her. Question: in the end Jessica runs up to her room, wouldn't she run down to her coffin, or is this just wishful thinking on my part?

Con: Sookie telling Bill that hating yourself is a bad thing and that he needs to stop torturing himself or something. I cry mountains of BS on that statement, you two love yourselves more than anybody. You love each other so much, you left Jessica alone without telling her where you were or whether Sookie had died. And then the first thing you do when you get home is start dry humping each other on the front porch. Yeah you've got your priorities all in a row, and you're absolutely these self-abnegating characters who put everyone else first.

Con: Is Sam leaving or staying? Does anyone care? Will this show please make him do something, so I can have an opinion?

Pro: Truck stops that serve good food.

Con: But there's no time for water sports what's Maryann up to? Turns out Tara wants to leave the house of never ending pjs, pot and food because last night everyone got naked and started rubbing up against each other. Tara is torn up about this new discovery so she tells herself, "Act confused and make a terrified look," slowly you hear the wheels creak in her head, telling her mouth to make a frowny face. Look, acting! Clearly, she learned this trick from Eggs McPretendstoplayguitarpoorly (it's a family name).

Pro: Meanwhile back at God Hates Vamps camp, it's time for an enlightening discussion about vampire mythology. First off, well done on the mark of Cain reference. You're right on, non-important white guy. That actually is one of the many vampires origins myths, but what no mention of Lillith? But moving on there's too much good in this conversation to stop... Jason, you truly out did yourself by calling Jesus the first vampire (and interestingly enough he wasn't far off as in another origins myth points to Jesus' betrayer Judas as the original cursed one). Confuse those little stake huggers with your intellect. But more importantly than the actual talk is Jason's delivery. Can we get an "evil is making the premedicated choice to be a dick" on a t-shirt somewhere? If Anna Paquin deserved a Golden Globe last year, then this year it's all Ryan Kwanten (Jason). Especially after that Europe line. Plus, did you know that Kwanten is Australian? It's like his decent accent gets lost under the pile of terrible Southern accents surrounding him. And finally, if these guys hate each other so darn much why are they eating breakfast together? Just a thought.

Pro: The tiny Pastor and his weapon paired with driving gun gloves, oh religion you can make even the most exciting things uncool.


Con: Sookie regifts Tara an old picture that she probably already had. Lame. Make time for your friends, Sookie, and go out and buy them a gift, or make something. Don't just wrap the first thing you see lying around the house. Oh, I'm kidding — I know it's a picture of the dead grandma and the two of them as kids, so that must mean something, Sookie giving Tara a picture of her dead family member which looks like this...

HOLY CHRIST get those kids away from that goat-human monster. Thanks for pointing this out readers, good to know the digitized face of "young grandma" will haunt our dreams collectively.

Con: Then we journey off to Bon Temps' police station we're they are all still standing around looking at the dead lady without the heart. A cop pokes it with a stick and then says something sassy about respect. Honestly I stopped paying attention until Detective Andy Bellefleur came in, I just care so little for this monster who scratches people on the back. True Blood, you need to give us a little — not just more mystery. These side characters aren't interesting enough to keep us interested, and Bellefleur can't carry all of the scenes.

Pro: Bellefleur makes a whimpering Sarah Jessica Parker squeak and almost cries when he loses his badge.

Pro: Lafayette knowing the real reason Needy Mcneedy Pants Tara is over at his house. Does no one in this town care about Lafayette? Good on you, kicking her out. Stop telling the guy with a gunshot wound it's your birthday.

Con: Sookie and Sam fighting yawn-first-season-all-over-are-we-in-dallas-yet-yawn?

Pro: The Pastor has never killed a vampire, I wonder if he's even met one? Hmm side note to self.

Pro: Maryann showing up at Tara's pity party to throw her a birthday. I'm normally sick of this lady but this was quite clever. Well done, crazy lady.

Con: "I always cry on my birthday" Waaaaah waaaaah, Eggs and Tara explode into a giant ball of bad acting.

Pro: We all called it. Jason wants the Preacher's wife bad. So bad he makes her dance around in his tiny brain to super fun sexy country music. I admit, I was into it.

Pro: Tell me more about the Soldiers of The Son (sadly I think I'll have to wait until the next episode). But double plus also for the portions on the table. Man, I miss eating in the South.

Pro: Anubis Air. First off I delight in anything made over to be vampire friendly from the traveling coffins on down. Second, of course Sookie got tanked on the tiny bottles of liquor. She's got a job to do in Dallas, best to show up drunk, and put others first. Ah oh well at least she's a funny drunk: "Like booze for dolls." I enjoy the liquored up company of fun drunks so I can now add Sookie to my fantasy drinking league which so far includes Buffy and Ellen Tigh.

Con: No more Tara and Eggs anymore please, I have a feeling this spastic dance off will end with more Tara and Eggs, probably naked....and yep there it is. I thought I would be more excited for this moment. Nope.

Pro: You gotta love that Jessica decides to tell the guy she's glamoring that all his worst fears are coming true. Damn kids these days always up to no good, I like that you can count on her to act out the things you secretly want others to do.

Pro: Eric and Lafayette together again. It's interesting that the vampire who put Lafayette in this position is the only one who cares about him. Perhaps this was Eric's plan all along. Also, watching Lafayette freak out and hump the furniture after drinking Eric's super powerful blood was delightful. Our boy is back, people — get excited.

Pro: "I hope you'll enjoy your blood substitute which is costing me $45," banter between Eric and Bill is, yet again, priceless. Good for you, Bill — stick it to the boss, and please more of these two together.

Pro: Here's hoping the Texan vampires DON'T get Goddrick back and we can see some of this open aggression against humans.

Con: Daphne knows what Sam is, so do we but we don't know what she is. Does anybody care who she is? If you had to know the answer to one mystery — who is the pig, what is Maryann, who is the minotaur — I'm pretty sure Daphne would be low on my list.

Pro: Ok the Carmilla Hotel is fantastic. It's named after a vampire legend, you can order people to eat, Fangbanger porn, and the bell hop has Sookie powers. Please make this a reality at Comic Con, so I can partake.

And if that's not possible can we please have a driving and shooting vampire theme park ride?

Until next week, where Ed Quinn shows up and has a sexy-off with Eric. Who will win? My money is on the Quinn, it's always on the Quinn.

True Blood tied up a few (but not many) loose ends this week, by freeing our boy Lafayette (more on Sookie and Bill's half-hearted kindness towards the bleeding prostitute later) and made Tara a bit more aware of what a tool Eggs is, guitar playing and weepy emotional talks aside.

Sookie was attacked by some horned beast and almost died — again — and Eric got his sexy back. A good episode all in all, but the best moment came from side characters Hoyt and Jessica.

Pro: Bill finally telling off Sookie for acting like "an irresponsible child." Sure, sure, he delivered a few VAMPIRES in his tirade, but the point still got across. Maybe he's finally realizing his girlfriend is an idiot and shouldn't be trusted with any sort of real responsibility, ever. Speeding in the car, the couple and their blood crying ward wail on each other until Sookie just can't take it anymore and storms out, of course. Why sit in a car and actually listen to others explain to you why you have the maturity of a 5-year-old, when you can leave and wander in the murky supernatural darkness of a forest? No danger to you and the rest of your friends there, right?

Con: Sookie exits the car, and within minutes gets attacked by a big bull monster. Once again Sookie is thrown into harm's way so she doesn't have to deal with her idiotic personality issues.

Con: With Sookie sputtering up foam and at death's door (fingers crossed!) Bill orders Jessica home, and she obeys like a little droid. So this is new. Bill can command his "ward" to do things? Why hasn't he been doing this from the beginning? It seems like it would have saved him a lot of grief. But you know, these two like to do everything the hard way.

Pro: Tiny vampire-hating Doctor Ludwig is delightful. She reminded me (and I'm sure I'm not alone) of the wonderful Zelda Rubinstein of Poltergeist fame, and that's not a bad thing.

Pro: Meanwhile, back at vampire hatin' church camp, Jason took time away from the sexually charged Jesus sing-along to dream of sweet, long dead, gay vampire Eddie. What a lovely surprise. I miss you Eddie, your departure was both cruel and unkind. I don't care if it's as a nightmare or not, good to have Stephen Root around again. Plus, I'm glad Jason is actually feeling bad about his new vampire-killing mission. Sure it's going to take him some time to come to terms with "thoughts" and "emotions," but we all know at heart, Jason is a good person. I shudder to think of Jason getting all corrupted by the Fellowship of the Light, but if it means more shirtless football montages in the future, I'm game.

Con: The pumps line. Bad, bad True Blood.

Pro: Terry gets a little crazy face time and is aces for calling out Sam on being a yellow bellied deserter. Poor Terry, he's the one person in this whole messed up alternate world that has full right to be as messed up as he wants to be (remember he's a vet) and yet, he's the only one with any common sense. I like the little Terry moments of reality he imparts upon the cast from time to time.

Pro: During the Fellowship Of The Light's vampire testimonial, the vampire victim looks like she had a rough time as a vampire buffet. Poor girl is covered in fang marks — nice touch. Also if these marks don't heal, shouldn't Sookie have a lot more bites all over her body? Just sayin'.

Pro: If you didn't think that Jason and the Pastor's wife were going to get naked in the holy light for Jeebus, this little back and forth confessional should seal the deal. Plus, she later brought out her "banana pudding" which is a "slice of heaven," and you know she "doesn't whip out her pudding for just anybody." Pudding = sex.

Con/Pro: Sookie wakes up all healed in a Fangtasia t-shirt, which is already up for sale along with Eric's purty jewelry. Con for the plug Pro for anyone I see at Comic Con wearing this.

Con: Tara and Eggs — the saga that no one cares about continues. For one strummy moment Eggs closed his eyes and played upon his guitar of self discovery. Everyone clapped and Tara looked at Eggs with big moony eyes, because guitars are sexy dontcha know? In this dark, I wept when I was handed this old stringed instrument, I really felt like we peered into the soul of dear Eggs, and it was empty.

Pro: While Sookie is getting another mouthful of vampire blood to heal her mysterious wounds, Eric vampire jumps in front of Bill and offers up his own veins, foreshadowing much? That being said, I'm starting to buy his whole I'm too sexy for my old haircut attitude. He's growing on me and I like it.

Pro: Ginger makes Sookie a peanut butter and chocolate syrup sandwich, this doesn't surprise me at all.

Con: Sadly, we're forced back to the topless fun times at Maryann's house. It's got to be a sign when you've got all sorts of ladies jumping around topless, and I'm bored to tears. Move this plot forward or retire it: we know she feeds, or something, off of sex and general disarray. We get it, move on now, please.

Pro: Jason attends dinner at the Holy Family's house, at which he gets a lecture on vampire hatin', classic Jason moment: "What's going on out there is a war." Jason turns to look. "Not right now, Jason, but in general."

Pro: The entire Jessica-and-Hoyt seduction scene. There is just so much to love about their little courtship. The whole moment was incredibly clever, from the second Jessica sat down and Hoyt's veins started pulse to the look in her eyes when she frighteningly orders a Tru Blood. This character has grown on me in ways I did not imagine, and I'm totally giving it up to the actress and Ball. It was so sweet and innocent, this poor little girl has the worst maker and "step mom" ever. They send her home and forget about her, it was perfect for Hoyt to step in with the gentle hand she so needed. As cliche as the whole "love soothes the savage beast" it works here. Especially when her fangs pop out in the heat of the moment and she reacts with, "this is so embarrassing I'd die is I wasn't already dead." Plus, the camera loves Jessica, she's glowing this whole episode.

Pro: An additional pro needs to added to the vampires playing Wii moment, Bill has a Wii? I don't believe it but oh if I didn't turn into a puddle on the floor when Hoyt said, "may I?" before holding her hand. This is the kind of thing Bill tries to pull over and comes across as forced (for me)... sigh, Southern men.

Con: After discovering that Eric has been keeping Lafayette in the basement of Fangtasia (pro to Eric for being so "meh" about the whole thing), Sookie and Bill make a deal with Eric in exchange for L's life. They then pile him into Bill's car and drop their dear friend who was tortured, fed upon and starved on the front steps of his house. Sure they offered their assistance, but you could tell it was half-hearted BS. I cannot believe him getting out of the car after promising to have a vet look at his giant gunshot wound. You people are truly beacons of compassion. I'm so glad you waited five seconds before getting back to important things, like talking about your relationship. Truly there's so much "goodness" in both of you. They couldn't take 5 minutes away from feeling sorry for themselves to make sure Lafayette is settled in and OK. It doesn't matter if he protested — he was BLEEDING FROM A GUN SHOT WOUND, you self absorbed psychotics. Sookie and Bill, I hope you two get eaten by wolf people.

Con: Aaaand back to the drunken sex party, again, which I'm still bored with. Eggs and the random boobs girl deserve each other they both have about the same amount of acting talent.

Con: Sam's feeling good and running in the woods with his other puppy friend. He ends up naked in a lake with new waitress Daphne, because clothes are all but forbidden in Bon Temps. Any one else interested in this new Daphne is a monster plot? I may be full up on monsters for right now. I'm going to need some Maryann answers before I go about committing to any new beasties.

So that's it, there's a break for a week and then we're all going to Dallas for vampire mystery solving.

This week, we went inside the Fellowship Of the Light and realized that just about everyone in the world wants to have sex with Jason. In other news, Lafayette made it through another day, imprisoned in the basement of Fangtasia, but who knows what could happen to him next week? Riiight.

Sookie continues to make everyone's life just a little more miserable, with her constant meddling meddlesomeness, while Jessica is really starting to grow on us as a character. I will no longer call her Dawn, that's not fair — she actually appears to have some sense of a personality, other than annoying.

All in all, this second episode of the season was a bit better than the premiere, in my humble opinion, because this one brought back the humor of this world, now inexplicably peopled with vampires, and how everyone tries to cope with it.

CON: After hours of steamy blood-covered make up sex, Bill asks Sookie how make-up sex compares to "I thought you were dead sex." And now the image of filthy naked Bill on top of Sookie is back in our brains. It's only the second episode Ball, can we at least attempt to forget the disturbing bladder infection sex scene of all times? If you don't remember this sickening moment from last season let me remind you: Bill was buried naked in the ground. It doesn't matter why. He was covered in dirt, everywhere, and we mean everywhere. Then he pops out, and immediately starts having sex with Sookie. Cue wincing faces from the audience, and questions about hygiene.

Con: Also during the make-up sex discussion, Bill states that he thinks Sookie likes fighting with him. And even though make-up sex is fun, they don't want to get too used to it, "we don't want to become one of those couples," he says. I thought the Earth was going to implode around them as he uttered these words. Well we know Sookie doesn't, but Bill, you should know better, you two are the epitome of one of "those couples."

All they do is fight, and talk about their feelings at exhausting lengths. It's no wonder they're always alone — no one could tolerate listening to these two spout on about trust issues, past problems, being scared but strong for one another yada, yada, yada. Bill and Sookie are absolutely that couple you get forced into inviting over to your house for a dinner party and halfway through the night one of them is drunk, while the other is openly wailing about how she thinks he's "screwing the secretary." Then, after about the third time she's put on her jacket and threatened to leave, you find yourself standing outside in the freezing cold coaxing her back inside, just so the two can presumably have loud "make up" sex in your bathroom.

Pro: Hey it's Pam! Ugh, she's still dressed like high school student from the year 2001. But still, she looks good. A bit fresher round the eyes. But better than Pam's new face is the fact that she's got scissors. Which means Eric can finally change that tragic fey haircut of his. Yes, this is a disaster. Please fix.

Pro: Poor scared shaky Lafayette. I miss you and your clever politico quips.

Pro: This whole scene with Pam, Eric and Lafayette is really dynamite. They're playing off each other well. I like the idea that one of our beloved characters is basically being tortured in the basement of Fangtasia, while the rest of the world goes about their business. Even the entire exchange of bringing Lafayette upstairs and watching him plead for his life was done in a delightfully "ho-hum, mortals are funny" kind of manner. I approve.

Pro: Jason's new bunk buddy. So it doesn't really need to be discussed how much Luke wants to get under Jason's teeny tiny grey-thirt? Oh but wait, True Blood wants to beat you over the head with sexual innuendo, so make with the "I'm a tight end, look at you, I would have locked onto you" jokes.

Meanwhile in the house of never-ending pajammas, food and weed, Tara and Eggs are talking about their relationship. What is the rush? I don't particularly care. They should just go have more weird Maryann sex.

Con: Eggs (do you hate this name as much as me?) has yet to win me over. He feels like filler before the next bad thing in Tara's life, although I'm sure he's supposed to be more than that. I'm not impressed with his "troubled" past, nor the nodding "I'm ashamed" delivery. When you make Tara look good as far as a reasonable response to an emotion on camera, you're in trouble.

Con: Sookie sees something troubling on TV. It's baby vampire Jessica's parents and they miss her. To the meddling mobile, stat.

Pro: The Light of Day Leadership Conference's ring distributor just eye-sexed the crap out of Jason. Yeah, I would have too.

Pro: Nerdy decoder ring bumps. The things we all do when no-one is watching.

Pro: Steve's outfit. I'm pretty sure the Pastor at my Church camp wore that same get-up. T-shirts over button downs, FTW.

Pro: Flag football musical. Uh oh Luke's unbridled passion for Jason has turned to sour rage. And now everyone in camp wants to have sex with Jason, including the Pastor's wife. We're just counting down the days.

Con: Lafayette's crafty pants Saw-movie-meets-MacGyver moment, only because of the ridiculous foreshadowing it took in the previous episode to allow this to happen.

Pro: Maryann's constant eating, and no one noticing, I would like this power please.

Pro: Welcome back tiny crack whore, you dear are my favorite Fangtastia bar-back. Glad to see you're general idiocy hasn't been deterred by eating.

PRO: The Fellowship of the Light Christian sex-me-up long-time Jesus sing-a-long. After eye-screwing the crap out of Jason earlier, little Amanda prances on stage gyrating and singing about keeping her legs crossed for Jesus.

Actually, the title of the song is called "Jesus Asked Me Out Today" by Amanda Jane And The God Rockets. Not that I would know that from purchasing it on itunes...Hey look it's on youtube, enjoy.

So ahem, yeah, after winking and giving the entire audience the bedroom "please pull my braids" face Amanda shuffles off in her "just slutty enough" outfit, free to eye sex another day. Those of us who had to suffer through summer camp, you've seen this before maybe once or twice. It's just as painful in real life as on the True Blood stage. Still, thanks for introducing the rest of the world to what it looks like when horny teenagers are only allowed to sing religious music. It's the perfect storm, really.

Pro: When Jessica find out she cries blood. Bill should have told her. My heart goes out to this little misunderstood vampire.

UPDATE: Pro addition I have to add, Jessica's delightful impression of Bill which I forgot, I blame the God Rockets. Jessica's spot on Bill mocking, "I have errands to perform which do not require your presence," made me smile from ear to ear. At least everyone involved with this series is aware of how ridiculous he sounds. Thanks for keeping me in check guys!

Con: Sookie, for pretending she went over to Bill's house for any other reason than to meddle in Jessica's life.

Con: The way Bill pretty much ruins every scene he's in, by the way he talks, "I AM VAMPIRE."

Pro: Thank God Eric is there to save the day. Also, props to the sales person thinking for assuming Bill and Eric are gay vampires, which we now need a term for. Gamps? Gymps? Gaypire? It's a work in progress. Honestly if I didn't know Bill and Eric on a deep spiritual level would guess the same. But, more importantly, OMG new fancy pants haircut debuted:

Pro: The Cut.

Con: The track jacket necklace-with-no-undershirt look. Are the wardrobe people trying to make him look like a total ass-hat?

Pro: Jason breaking the American flag over his knee and going ape shit on stage. The whole time I was screaming OMGBUFFYBUFFYBUFFY, only to have it reaffirmed minutes later. Enter angry Luke who calls Jason some kind of "Muslim Buffy with a dick," well played Luke, well played. I believe that this is the first direct Buffy reference on TB, correct me if I'm wrong.

Con: True Blood, trying to make me think they'll actually kill off Lafayette...again.

Con: Sookie crying in the car outside of Jessica's house. Apparently she felt the need to remind people that they had stopped paying attention her. It's always about you Sooks isn't it?

Pro: Jessica gets pissed and starts wailing on her father. Obvious, but a pro — because this will hopefully get Sookie in trouble.

Pro: Aaaaand it does! Bill saves the day and kicks Sookie out. Still think you're not one of "those couples"?

So Sookie and Bill have had two weeks of blissful vampire sex and relaxation, after killing off the completely misunderstood Rene in last year's season finale.

You can tell that from her black eye that Sookie is still dealing with the reality of what she had to do: murder poor Rene. Of course her actually having a black eye makes perfect sense, because it's not like she's dating a vampire with regenerative properties in his blood. But we digress — it has been so long since we've been back in Bon Temps, and not too terribly much has changed. People are still dropping like flies with their hearts ripped out, enjoying elaborate and camera-friendly sexual acts, and Sam's still miserable. The best moment, by far, last night was Viking Vampire Eric's big highlight. He showed up, on camera, with hair foils in. It's like he reads my diary of things we dream of one day doing with giant Fey vampires. Thank you for that, Alan Ball, and without much more ado [because not much happened besides Jason going to vampire-killing camp], let's move on to the Pro/Con list.

Pro: Lafayette is not dead, so everyone can go on living.

Pro: Looks like Andy is getting a little more character cred this season. He deserves it — have you seen this man in The Wire? Unbelievable. I hope they go a bit further with him other than drunk, drunk and more drunk. He's a good actor. It would be such a waste not to use him properly.

Pro: Hooray for Bill talk; it's been too long, you old pale stick-in-the-mud. Of course you recycle and say whilst your life is a joyless hell hole of which you cannot escape, now with teenagers. You are so good at making vampires lame, it's a gift. We missed you, and your pronunciation of Sookie.

Pro: The "Crazy ass, motherfucking, Paul Bunyon pig" quote back at Tara, at the police station reminded me of one of my favorite Tara moments: when she was drinking a BOTTLE of vodka while driving. Subtlety, thy name is True Blood.

Pro: WTF is this basement place? Who the is ... holy hell, that's Lafayette with a beard. Seriously how long did it take you to recognize him? That bucket scenario is brutal. Well done so far — let's just hope this torture has in interesting twist and is being used as a means to an end, not just for sexy, gross torture porn's sake. Seems a little too Saw-like for me as well.

Pro: Bill holding Sookie like he has a stick up his ass. Oh Bill, we know you're not cool. No worries.

Pro: "Is she always like this?" Yes, Jessica, yes. Sookie is the whiney morality police and soul-sucking good-times killer in Bon Temps. Just wait - she's about to lecture your maker about your existence. God, Bill and Sookie really do deserve each other; where's Eric?

Pro: The Fellowship Of The Sun debate. I'm signing on for vampire politics and religion this year. I wouldn't mind seeing more of the vampire world-building showing up this season. Plus Steve Newlin is getting credit as the only actor who can pull off a fake accent — still fake, though. Is anyone from this show actually from the South?

Pro: Jason has to think about thinking. I adore this actor, Ryan Kwanten, he totally sells stupid. Oh yeah and Jason's going to boff Steve's wife, I have no doubt about this.

Pro: I'm still OK with Grandma being dead, but the packing-things-up scene was sad, and especially realistic for this show.

Pro: So, is it wrong to say I'd be willing to live in the house of impending doom with unlimited amounts of tropical fruit and pot, a butler, a pool and hot roommates? I'm not really seeing the downside here. Maryann's house is a-okay in my book; so she feeds on pleasure, how is that a bad thing if she's paying the utilities, rent and food bill?

Pro: About two full minutes of full frontal True Blood sex with fang penetration. I think the last TV show I watched with this much sex in it was the last season of True Blood.

Con: Lizzy's rain scene, with a bra on and no Jason ass? Fail.

Con: Tara's mom to Tara: "There's something evil out there and it wanted her soul, if you're not careful it's going to come for yours too." Enter Maryann. Wow, foreshadowing much?

This is just like last year's soundtrack. Who could forget playing Lynyrd Skynyrd's "That Smell" when Sam was smelling the sheets or Ray LaMontagne's "Trouble" while Sookie was in TROUBLE. It's like a well orchestrated plot laid out by grade schoolers [it also needs to be said that that song did not go with the mood of the moment at all]. But thus far, the music has been great, especially the intro. (I missed that little tune.)

But big PRO to Michelle Forbes returning as Maryann. I love that this actress was cast for this role, it's a perfect match, and thanks for finally yelling at Tara's Mom. I didn't feel sorry for her for even a second.

Con: Two weeks, Sookie. You're complaining about the two weeks Bill kept Jessica secret from you? What about the two days it took you to jump into Sam's arms while he was out atoning for saving your life? I know Jessica is a shock, and I'm here with you on that, but glass houses, lady.

Con: Karl falls the the floor after spinning about like a pixie? Fall slapping is such a lie.

Con: Baby Sam having sex with old lady Maryann; blach, too much for this mind. But they definitely nailed baby Sam casting.

Con: The "Gimme something sweet" line during the bar make-out scene. Terrible; don't make me hate you, you slightly attractive person whose name I don't quite remember because you're not yet important enough to the plot.

Con: Another lecture from Sookie about right and wrong. Sigh. Of COURSE he killed your skeevy Uncle, and stop acting like you care. You know you'll cast your morals aside for vamp sex.

Oh and if you wanna see the naked bits, which is cool and all, but not as cool as Eric's hair check it out over at our beloved Fleshbot, ruler of True Blood nudity.

No plot twists this week: True Blood went straight for the kill and yes Rene is the big bad fang banger killer, but worse than that he FAKED his Cajun accent (It's like I don't even know who you are, Rene!). This episode went right to the chase, with Jason being all sad over the fact that he murdered a bunch of girls, and Rene freaking out and trying to kill Ms. Sookie before she figured out he was the bad guy.

And to all of you that said, "Noooo Rene can't be the killer it's too obvious, too blatant!" I say: It's True Blood people. There was very little doubt in my mind that they would pull a one-over on me with this killer nonsense. Granted, I was not happy at all that it meant saying bye-bye to cutie family man-ish Rene (especially after seeing his long flowing haircut of Christmas past, last week). But it was pretty obvious that he was going to be the bad guy.

In other news Tara is all comfy cozy in her rich person digs, and meets another young, black teenage rebel who plays guitar (which is bad TV code for someone who has depth and inner turmoil). While Tara starts living the high life, Sam freaks out as Maryann is a bad, bad pig meditation lady.

Bill walks in the sun to save Sookie from Rene, and turns into an extra crispy vampire, thus winning her love back. But alas, it probably won't last now that angry baby Jessica vampire is back. Down the well with you baby Vampire, that outfit is horrendous.

The episode ended on a big cliff hanger as Lafayette is missing (presumably eaten by a pig or kidnapped) and now there's a dead leg in the Detective's car. We'll miss you True Blood, but we're extra excited to learn more about troubled teen guitar player and pig lady.

The Pros And Cons Of The Finale True Blood:

Pro: Maryann's creepy bald manservant who steals Tara's phone and doesn't speak. This is exactly how I would like my manservant, quiet but mischievous.

Pro: The Fellowship of The Sun. I'm really interested in this side plot from their scary speeches down to the cult-like symbol that represents the group. More of this please.

Pro: "Nobody ever listens to me, but they should." Oh nutty, Terry you are my replacement Amy and Eddie, I was very sad to see those two characters go, but then you you warm my heart with crazy-talk like, "Your hair is like a sunset after a bomb went off, pretty," thank god someone on this show is still interesting now that everyone else is dead.

Pro: Naked Sam carrying burnt Bill and crying Sookie, probably the most amazing thing I've ever seen. That was one of those scenes that was probably better on paper than recreated for the screen, but still I couldn't stop laughing through the whole thing. Thanks for bringing that to life, big fat wet Sookie tears and all.

Pro: Arlene shows up with flowers and just points them at Sookie, I'm just glad she's done lecturing people, but I'm really surprised at how she rushes to Sookie's side. She was going to marry Rene, doesn't she care at all? Sure she was sad and all teary eyed, but I wish they would have given her a little depth.

Pro: I adore the tiny angry preacher from the "Sun" with an even scarier haircut. And of course Jason gets excited there's lots of clapping and screaming.

Pro: Baby vampire Jessica is back, yay and dressed and acting exactly how I would expect a Twilight fan to behave.

Con: Eggs Benedict blargh bad joke and his fake guitar playing is terrible. This guy has got to go, and no more wistful glances into the beyond when you think of all the bad things you did. But I'm slightly curious to find out what his special powers are as well, I hope he's a tiny nymph...they have those right?

Con: The devil in disguise song playing on Jason's truck with Rene in it. This show uses music in the worst possible way. It's like they Google key words and then pick the song with the most obvious lyrics, same goes for Ray LaMontagne's "Trouble" spinning in the background while Rene is in Sookie's home. First off that song is old and the playing it something that has the word "Trouble" in it does not mean it's the right fit for the situation.

Con: Lafayette gets attacked by a camera, con for the camera and con for even thinking of killing Lafayette. If you kill him, I'll quit you, True Blood.

Con: Bill's response to "You're alive," from Sookie is "Well technically no." Sigh, just when I was happy that he was saved, he goes and makes a comment like that.

This week, Bill begrudgingly "makes" whiny-faced Jessica. While I'm not a huge fan of her acting, I'm very excited about the prospect of watching a newbie vamp make their way in the world, since Eric and Bill are either too moral or too boring at the present time. I hope Eric takes her out and lets her unleash, as she dines aplenty on the necks of Louisiana, but then complains when it's time for bed. In other news, Jason bottomed out at the precinct, allowing himself to be jailed, but we know who the real flowy haired murderer is! Also, Sam and Sookie hang out and proceed to annoy me to no end. They are possibly two of the most self centered characters in a show about people who kill humans for lunch. Where's the pig lady in the road when you need her?

The Pros And Cons Of True Blood:

Pro: Bouncer chick kicks dead Jessica into a dirty grave. True Blood certainly loves to cover their characters in mulch. Pro, for finally giving the bouncer girl some attitude. I was worried she was just an old vamp squeezed into a Forever 21 top. And another Pro for not making Bill and Jessica recreate their disgusting dirt sex that would clearly cause hygiene problems for all involved, but Con for making me think about it again.

Pro: "But the lady and the pig, that was real," drunken argument from Tara is hilarious and I'm going to use that line, thank you very much.

Pro: Down the disposal with Stephen Root. While I'm sad that Eddie the lovable old gay vamp is dead, I'm loving that his final resting place is down the garbage disposal.

Pro: Terry. Granted, his veteran-with-problems character is a little one dimensional, but I can see some growth in his banter, little by little. I have a feeling we will be seeing Walter Bishop-esque lines from him in the future after this classic dialog: "I can't listen to politicians anymore, I get a seizure. Can we put it on my home decor show now?"

Pro: One big fat pro for pie houses. I would kill for a good pie diner in New York, especially when they come with awesome hat-wearing customers who pick out pie for you.

Pro: The vampire politico side-plot not only allowed us to see Lafayette all clean-cut, looking hard core angry and vengeful in a suit, but I'm very interested in the anti-vampire league. I've been hoping that Ball would bring in the rest of the world a bit more, and hopefully this is the window into crazy soap boxing and angry preachers.

Pro: Amy had a French maid. Of course she did.

Pro: Jessica, I like her. She's a little whiny, but I suspect this was the way the character was written. She is supposed to be irritating. True, I wish she was a lot older, but you know this girl is going to be naked faster than Eric can find more tiny tank tops. So I'm assuming there was a legal issue here. I love Bill's look of disgust when she whines and dances around in front of him. This episode is her one free pass — next week, if she hasn't dropped the nasal voice, we'll talk some more. Overall, I'm enjoying the fact that Bill made someone into a monster that actually likes it (as predictable as this plot was.)

Pro: Michelle Forbes as Maryann. I'm expecting great things from you BSG alum and hard talking chica. It's a bit of a trip to see her being all kindly to down-and-out Tara, but I know it won't last.

Pro: Holy hell, Rene is the bad guy? I...I...I...I don't know what to think. First I was in love with his "take-charge breadwinner, yet still a softie at heart" attitude. So he's a cold-blooded killer, and yet now I'm MORE attracted to him? What is wrong with me? It could be the more-gorgeous-than-words feathered hair picture, but whoa, Michael Raymond-James, hello. So do you think Rene will be a good bad guy? I think yes. He's the only one who has even attempted to master an accurate accent, so hopefully he will put the same kind of work into his crazy killing spree attitude.

Con: Vampers. Shame on you, Ball — too easy.

Con: Sookie is so mad at Bill she could spit, because he ditched. I'm aware that she doesn't see what he's going through right now, but man, could she be more self absorbed? Plus, he's been gone like what, five days tops, and she immediately hops into the arms of Sam. Has she no loyalty at all? If not to Bill than to her best friend? Or does she just needs attention all the time or she'll die.

Con: Amy's death. Bad move, Ball. Amy was a fantastic character, far and away one of my favorite bad people of all time. She's all the evils of our overzealous post-inconvenient truth world. This means no more jargon about carbon footprints or justifications for her wrong doings with the fact that she spent time helping poor people while on spring break. Amy is an actual human being that walks and talks on the streets of society, she was a new skewer, a breath of fresh air on this show. Now she's dead, I guess we'll go back to the two-dimensional bad folk of yester-tv.

Con: Tara's mom is no longer any fun now that's she's off the devil water and on the Jesus juice. Fingers crossed for a relapse.

This week Sookie continued to act like a child, but Tara threw out all the stops and took crazy sad drunk to a whole new level of fantastic shame. I've been down and drunk before, but never considered throwing on my old prom dress to really bring the misery in. Sam tells Sookie that he's a shape shifter, not a were-collie, which was upsetting, but allowed Sookie to throw yet another tantrum. But more importantly we watched some poor goth kid get his vampire fangs ripped out in front of the tiny vampire justice league, including Zeljko Ivanek, who won me over in the end. Welcome to the gothy, blood covered club, Ivanek.

The Pros And Cons Of True Blood This Week:

Pro: Bill has a loofa in his shower, hey even the undead need to exfoliate. Sookie's response to Sam's confession that he's a shape shifter ("Shut the fuck up") is pretty great.

Pro: Everything about Amy this week is GOLD (minus her idiotic move to kill off Eddie but more on that later). I was literally standing up and jumping when she got in Eddie's face and said, "I walked away from a full scholarship to go build irrigation systems in Guatemala," and then bragged about how her carbon foot print is miniscule. Thank you, thank you, thank you more yippie rhetoric. I love this character so much it hurts. I love it, it's so true and in a sea of stereotypes at least her stereotype is new and totally worthy of being made fun of. She's a box of tools, "We just need boots and a map" says it all. Thank you True Blood for making fun of this type of person, and making her so very evil, these are the people you have to look out for.

Pro: Sam wore the same shirts when he was a little shape shifting child being forsaken by his adoptive folks as he does today. Parents just don't understand Sam.

Pro: Sookie continues to be annoying by chiding Sam with Terry about how he "doesn't hide anything." Pout much, darling? I don't know if Sookie was likable at all in the books, but damn if I don't want her to fall off the face of the Earth for acting like such a two-year-old. Especially when she whines to Terry about Bill not being around and the Iraq vet says, "There's some dead people I wish was still around, too," HA, take that. So while its annoying, it's still very in-character for her, with all the constant lip pouting and whimpering.

Pro: Is everyone at Arlene and Rene's engagement party a professional dancer? The couple to the side of them look like they belong with the camp counselor crew from Dirty Dancing. Although I will admit the dance parties in the South are worlds better than parties I've been to anywhere else. So pro for dancing, because Renee is good — but not jump off the stage and rally the crowd good.

Pro: Tara wore her prom dress out, hilarious. She's such a glorious mess this week and actually being shit canned makes her usual over-the-top attitude easier to swallow.

Pro: Lafayette laying the smack down on Jason, he is scary when mad — I like it.

Pro: Sexy naked lady is standing in a road next to a pig? Ok why not?

Pro: The head vampire at the Vamp Court house. Zeljko Ivanek really grew on me I enjoyed his nasty little attitude and the suit. Still, I wish he would lose that silly cane. But as far as the vampire justice session, he was a good person for it, tiny yet intimidating.

Con: Tara's exorcism is boring, and her coming home and crying to her mom about being fixed with that awful music in the background is terrible. "Are you kidding, I'd drive anywhere for you!" I suggest off a cliff. BUT made better later... by finding out that the whole thing was a hoax. THANK GOD, I was done with this story line.

Con: Tara actually drinking while driving, seriously not even Tara is that stupid to pull from a bottle while driving.

Con: What's with all the Rene love? I know I asked for it earlier, but now they are parading him around like the new heart of the show, which really makes me scared that they are going to kill him off, please don't.

Con: So much for that whole, "I don't want to be protected anymore" shtick Sookie. Hold me closer, Sam.

Con: All of the other vampires at the vampire tribunal, wow. I gave Fangtasia a tiny bit of credit as it was an openly vampiric haunt that humans went to, so maybe they needed to Hot Topic it up a little. But their place of gathering is an abandoned car lot? Seriously? All this money and they chose a smelly dump. Plus why is Zeljko Ivanek the only one that looks like he has an ounce of class? These vampires look like the rejects from a Mad Max high school play. I do not like. I was expecting something a bit more civilized or at least something that hadn't been DONE TO DEATH before. We're vampires, we like dirty things, sleeveless t-shits and chains.

CON: Killing off Eddie. He had so better be maimed, I'm absolutely morose about this. I approve with Amy doing the deed, because it will only drive a bigger wedge between Amy and Jason thus allowing her to spout off more silly yippie justification for her actions. But unfortunately Stephen Root was so intense and amazing on this show. I hope Lafayette murders her in a vicious manner while she pleads that she drives and electric car and therefor should be allowed to live.

Con: Turning someone into a vampire means you have to dry hump their back?

This week, sweet yippie Amy starts to unravel and dumb-as-rocks Jason shows us all that he isn't just a sister-slapping jerkface. Eddie sits little Jason down and teaches him a few things about being a man. I hope Root stays on forever, as I just adore his character and he's probably the only fleshed out character in the mix (surprising, since he has such a small part). But more importantly, we got to see Sam all were-collied out when he ends up sprawled naked on the foot of Sookie's bed (well, Bill's bed, really).

Pro: So that's how vampires die in True Blood — by vomiting blood all over the place. I like that it had the "if you're going to vomit, then I'm going to vomit" effect. Longshadow was lame, and I'm glad he was sacrificed to bring us this gory mess.

Pro: Eric has totally beefed up this episode, or he's wearing tinier tank tops? Either way he's so much more interesting this time around. He's doing a great job at acting intimidating. Way to go, pal! He almost lost it on the "not me" comment for denying having the chills, but the rest of the tough guy act was pretty good.

Pro: Jason and Amy end up having sex literally five feet away from the vampire that they kidnapped and drained (Eddie). Pretty on par for drug addicts.

Pro: Amy doesn't think the vampire is a person. YAY for bending your ideals to suit your immediate needs — yippie logic at its finest.

Pro: Bill playing video-game golf is kind of hilarious and makes a lot of sense. I wish that Eric had joined him.

Pro: Eddie's vampire story it's really honest. Stephen Root is amazing fantastic in this mix and totally sells his back story. Also props for the "she's far more dangerous than I could ever be," comment about Amy. All of a sudden, I'm interested in Amy and realize she may be worth more than the breast quota TB needs to fill each episode.

Pro: Eric passes out "flyers" for Fangtastia, hilarious. Hey, even viking vamps gotta make a living.

Pro: Sookie goes to Bill's house to sleep because it's safe — what a moron and totally in line with the "desperate little girl in love and acting a fool" direction that her character is taking.

Con: Poor Tina........ who is Tina? Oh the cat...right a cat. She had a cat, I vaguely remember this. Would have been cooler if they had done it Fatal Attraction style. But yeah that sucks.

Con: Sam wants to be BF/GF with Tara still? Ugh he's a liar. You know he would dump her the second Sookie looked twice at him.

Con: Underwater sex in the make believe forests of our minds looked ridiculous and silly. It was not needed. What happened to the almost having light sex stuff? That wasn't so awful, or at least this bad.

Con: Sookie's goodbye with Bill — I was neither upset nor worried. Go kill whatever it is you need to kill Bill, then come back, how is it possible that I am tired of these two already?

And finally, we get to see Sam as the shape shifter or were-collie. Not only was it fulfilling, but I love that he ends up naked in Bill's bed next to Sookie. Can't wait for next week where she ends up being more attracted to him now that he's "special." Because you know she didn't give a second thought to poor Sam when he was a mere mortal.

Fangbangers are getting it left and right, including that poor little boy from the funeral home that liked to wear pleather and hang out with vamp folk over at the Fangtasia watering hole. If you can't be a Hot Topic-loving fangbanger safely in Fangtasia, where can you? Sam and Tara have a lovers' spat, while angry Tara unleashes on everyone because she can't deal with her life coming together. We find out how Sookie and Jason's parent died (flash flood). And finally Sookie acts like the most annoying kind of girl in the world: one who's in love for the first time. You know that girl, she's the one who thinks that their relationship is flawless and perfect and feels the need to high-horse it around and force others to deal with her annoying love-babble.

The Pros And Cons Of This Weeks True Blood:

Pro: The demon wouldn't let Tara's mom make pancakes, truly that demon was pure evil.

Pro: Sookie is all pissed because Tara is happy and her boyfriend might be dead. Although she flashes the images of her dead grandma while cleaning up the mud on the floor, we all know she's really more upset about Bill being dead. This is totally in character for her "I have a boyfriend and he's awesome" shtick that comes later. Sookie even goes straight to his grave at night and cries. Where was all this sadness when grammy passed?

Pro: Aw after V juice tantric sex glow, Amy calls Jason wise and he's all lovey dovey. But then she continues to preach on about how the cleaner her body is the more intensely she feels the V, along with freaking out over all the dead stuffed animals in Merlottes. Even though her hippie/yippie talk bothers me to no end, it's pretty spot-on for her character. Also I adore how she uses her lame ideals to justify what she and Jason do to gay Eddie. "It's the hunt." Yeah, keep telling yourself that, sister.

Pro: Sookie babbles on about her BF Vamp around Rene and Hoyt and totally misses the "you're an idiot look" from both sets of guys. Then later, loudly says "I don't think my BOYFRIEND likes silver" to Amy when she asks if she wanted some jewelry. Ugh so annoying and totally realistic. We get it — you have a boyfriend and you guys have sex. Talk about it some more.

Pro: B 12 is the new birth control pill, or something like that.

Pro: Oak Ridge Boys Tribute Band, where is this band and when can I go? ...giddy up oom poppa omm poppa mow mow.

Pro: Tara fighting with (or lashing out at) Sam, very believable and I think we may have all had these type of fights.

Pro: More Renee, more adorable awesome Renee proposing and calling his red headed sweetie bebe. "Why didn't you say anything at the Red Lobster?" from his newly engaged Arlene almost ruined it for me, because weren't they pushing "we're a redneck couple" enough with the Oak Ridge Boys tribute band, hit us over the head a little more with the stereotypes, fellas.

Pro: The entire moment with Eddie and Lafayette. Nelsan Ellis is an incredible actor, he is the saving grace of this show. Lafayette is seducing and siphoning off this old vamp Eddie, and I buy it. I believe every minute of it, and eat it up just like Eddie does. Plus having Stephen Root on True Blood is the ultimate PRO.

Pro: Silver hoods are the new leather hoods. That scene was brutal and pretty brilliant. Good idea, Amy. And well, you know, terrible idea. Because I'm sure this won't backfire at all.

Con: Sookie brings flowers to Bill Compton's grave. I see how sad you really are now. Poor grandma, will no one visit her?

Con: Dirty Bill is covered in dirt when he comes out of the ground, and immediately has more angry (or happy?) sex with Sookie. Ok I don't want to get too graphic but the man is COVERED in dirt, that brings up all sorts of bad images in my head. Curse you, True Blood, for making me think that, not hot at all, blach ack yuck.

Con: "I want to not have sex with you again so bad you don't even know," from Jason. Hmmmmm, I'm still having a hard time believing that hippie yoga tantric non-sex is better than actual sex on V.

Con: Sookie lets Bill around Arlene and Rene's kids. Pretty lame of her not to tell them that he would be there. I wouldn't be cool with it either if that was all of a sudden sprung on me, he's still a vampire not just some dude.

Con: Blatant vampires-are-gay-people attempt, when Renee asks if Sookie and Bill will get hitched "when it's legal."

Con: Bill has dry cleaning, was this an attempt to make him look normal or assimilated within today's culture? It doesn't work.

Con: Eric is all nakey in Bill's tub, does anyone take showers in this town? Also this is not helping the "I'm a badass viking" case for Eric. But he gets props for the texting line.

Con: Sam pouring out the bottles of Tru Blood, are we going to go down the segregation road now? Sigh. Well as long as there is more TV anti-vamp stuff going on I'm slightly interested.

We end on yet another cliff hanger where Vampire bartender is lunging at Sookie for uncovering his thieving ways at the demands of Eric.

And because I love you all here's some "Elvira" from the Oak Ride Boys:

Caplan's character, Amy, takes dimwitted Jason under her wing (before showing us her lovelies) and teaches him the ways of snorting aspirin laced vamp blood. Then the two decided to make sweet, sweet light flowing, hand holding love. Besides that, you get to see Bill's pretty graphic love scene with Sookie and watch her slowly start to lose her cool once Bill ditches her for his old gang. Also, Tara's mom gets a body shaking exorcism and Tara is told that she too has a demon inside of her (don't we all).

Pro: Bill gives Sookie advice after sex, he tells her to take some B12 because she must be weak from all the blood drinking, it's a gross almost daddy-like moment. But it's her first time and he's super old, so it makes sense.

Pro: Lafayette's jeweled thong in his thug outfit. Actually the whole scene where Jason tries to strong arm Lafayette is pretty great. Rule number one: drug dealers are scary people no matter what color their thongs are — don't mess with them.

Pro: Sookie getting all moony over Bill's sleeping arrangement, "so we can never sleep beside each other?" Gah what a silly little thing to say. The slow unraveling of her sanity for having given it up so soon is already starting.

Pro: Tara's mom goes in to get a loan for an exorcism.

Pro: I'm getting mighty attracted to red's husband Rene, he's got that crazy accent and never gets upset when his wife acts like a small minded lunatic. More Rene, please.

Pro: Hooray for the return of the lame vampire gang and the bald vampire's need to talk once again about "johnsons."

Con: Tub talks. These are one of those "only on TV and in the movies moments," people don't hang out in candle lit tubs unless they are on their honeymoon or in a super expensive hotel. Ugh, this is cheeseball spectacular.

Con: The "I had sex with Bill," announcement in the middle of the bar... weird and lame, Sookie.

Con: "Vault" vampire bouncer lady is too old to be wearing that top.

Con: Sookie's continued talk about sex at work, we all know that girl. It's gross stop talking about it, especially when she said she "just relaxed" blargh good god woman you're at work

Con: Eric picks on sad looking girls, my how the mighty have fallen, and to think I was just about to give him major credit for sitting at the bar and texting on his phone.

Con: Tara's mom's body shakes during the exorcism, I tire of this kind of act when can I get a new look at old demon wrangling.

Con: The cliff hanger, if they're all dead then I'll eat that drowned possum.

Poor gran is dead (I feel bad this week about her death as she's gone and made a bloody mess all over the kitchen, which was a genuinely sad scene when Sookie had to clean it up). Bill and Sam finally get into a pissing contest over Sookie. Tara and Sam have sex again, and Jason pisses off Sookie something terrible by allowing Uncle Bartlett into her grandma's funeral. I'm wagering a guess that this creepy old dude done Sookie wrong in a gross sexual way, that we will all be forced to watch in the next episode. Tara and Lafayette are the only actual human beings on this show and demonstrate humanity by actually taking care of Sookie, like good people do. Besides that, hooray, because Bill and Sookie finally get it on and Bill acts like some strange vampire virgin, I can not wait for the big vamp scar she'll have to walk around with next week.

Pro: Sam is 5,000 times more attractive in this episode, methinks it's some new hair products or the fact that he's acting like a human being.

Pro: Grandma's last pie is pecan pie — well done, and yes, I too would have freaked the hell out if some fat lady was manhandling my grandma's last pie.

Pro: Collie and Bill share a moment, seconds away from the buddy vamp/collie TV series I'm dreaming of.

Pro: Fat lady singing at a funeral. I've been to too many services just like that. They should have given her a sister that sang harmony though.

Pro: I kind of buy Tara's ridiculous alcoholic mother this week. Maybe it's the hat, or her demon inside of her. Either way that's a great excuse for a disease and they're both super pathetic. This show is so ridiculous — her having a demon inside of her is by far the most palatable plot change.

Pro: When vampires get excited their teeth come out and Bill's all shy like it's the first time.

Con: Gross close up of licking the blood — it's like coitus for him, I GET IT.

Con: All the ridiculous goings-on at the funeral. Usually the guests just sit there and try and get through it. I never understood why people on TV always gather around to have serious conversations. Can't we talk about this in the car? Oh and Sam's shirt with his jacket is all sorts of tragic.

Con: Casserole Cam.

Con: White Nightie — what girl her age has that ridiculously contrived white nightie? You know she wears tiny booty shorts and tank tops to bed. Massive deduction for the negligee's existence merely for the sake of this scene.

Update: Ok fine, Anna Paquin topless, small Pro though I didn't think it needed to be mentioned as it was oh so quick and strange.

Sookie breaks things off with Bill, and quickie picks up with Sam as an escort to Bill's speaking engagement at the church. But besides all the mushy lovin' so-and-so, this was one of the first times we got to see a small society assimilate with their new vampire, which I really enjoyed. I particularly enjoyed the Iraq vet practically hugging poor Bill. As far as Bill's back story, I was mildly entertained, I just they would have lightened up on the gimmicks a little (the music and the flashback filters).

And Now The Pros And Cons Of True Blood

Pro: The way Bill says Sookie. It sounds like he's getting punched.

Pro: Jason never saw that Tara was in love with him, I love this kid, he's an idiot. And then of course in order to fix his drug problem he does more drugs, stronger drugs. Which actually makes perfect sense for his character.

Pro: The Civil War flash backs were pretty fun. I didn't expect actual period dress so I'll sign up.

Pro: Vampires cry tears of blood, of course.

Pro: Jason having sex with the tramp lady in the back of the bar. Really graphic, but I laughed out loud. If this is the way True Blood is going to deal with sex from now on, I totally welcome it.

Pro: More hot were-collie spying action (hey at least he's not sniffing dead peoples sheets)

Pro: Grandma is dead, yay — no more annoying lady.

Pro: Sam finally got a personality, he was soooo pissed when Sookie rejected him. Hooray for for bringing something to the table besides the whole were-collie shtick, though frankly I didn't really buy his frat boy anger. Her should have tried to make her feel even worse for being such a fang-banger wannabe.

Con: The fuzzy corners around the flashbacks and the voice over. They should have just done a cut scene.

Con: Tara as a water nymph in Jason's fantasy, I don't see it.

Con: Sookie looked less than attractive in this episode.

Con: This pick up line: