Monday:

Kyle XY -
Tonight is the season premiere for everyone's favorite innocent eyed test tube baby. "It Happened One Night" picks up right where last season left off, Kyle is searching for Amanda and everyone else has to deal with prom drama. The season starter is on ABC Family at 9 PM.

Kyle XY Promo:

Clip:



Clip:



Clip:



Clip:



Movies:
You can not hold a young scientist down, especially when they're as cute as Jake Gyllenhaal. Learn the trials and tribulations that came with being rocket-scientist smart in a coal miner's town in October Sky on AMC at 8 PM.

Big Red graces us with his big bad presence in the original Hellboy on FX at 8 PM.

Travel through time via letters — and sob with overwhelming boredom — with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock in The Lake House on the Oxygen Channel at 7 PM.

Tuesday:

The Universe -
What are the chances that there's "Another Earth" floating around in the big black beyond that is space? The History Channel tries to figure it out at 9 PM.

Battlestar Galacitca -
The top ten things you need to know about Battlestar Galactica is on the Sci Fi Channel at 3:30 PM, so now you too can play the exhausting "who's the final Cylon" game.

Movies:
Will Smith, Converse shoes, and robots come together at 7:30 PM on FX, to bring you iRobot, the movie where a CG faced machine is more likable than both of the main characters.

Wednesday:

Spook yourself all over with the Tales From The Darkside marathon over at the Sci Fi Channel from 8:30 AM - 3:30 PM.

Movies:

See the original terrible end of the world movie The Day After Tomorrow on Fox FX at 7:30 PM, before 2012 comes out and ruins everything, again.

The Hills Have Eyes II is on HBO 10 PM

Thursday:

Smallville -
Chloe gets kidnapped by smoldering Doomsday, Lana comes back, and possibly Lex shows up (we can hope, anyway), on this week's Smallville episode, "Legion." Clark searches for the missing Chloe, while battling the Persuader (Fraser Aitcheson) with a little help from three superheroes known as the Legion: Rokk (Ryan Kennedy), Imra (Alexz Johnson) and Garth (Calum Worthy).

Smallville Legion Promo:

Smallville Clip:

Smallville Clip:

Supernatural -
An evil she-ghost kidnaps a new family's young son, and holds him hostage in the walls of an old house. It's up to Sam and Dean to get him out. Oh, and Lucifer makes his way back to Earth, in "Family Remains" on the CW at 9 PM. But to be honest, I'm really much more excited about next weeks' episode, "Criss Angel Is a Douche Bag." Because he is.

Supernatural Clip:

Supernatural Clip:

Supernatural Promo:

Supernatural Promo:

Eleventh Hour -
CBS' Eleventh Hour is back, with another crazy science riddle. What's in the water that's making everyone turn into bloodthirsty murderers? Hood has to get to the bottom of this Texan mystery before he too becomes a crazy killer. Eleventh Hour is on at 10 PM.

Friday:

Star Wars: Clone Wars -
Anakin is wounded, and it's up to little Ahsoka to save his life and convince the adorable natives of an uncharted planet to give them shelter. The first half of the two-part episode "Jedi Crash" is on Cartoon Network at 9 PM.

Battlestar Galactica -
Tonight is the night! BSG is back, baby, and hopefully bringing some answers about where the crew actually landed, and who the final Cylon is. (At the very least, we'll find out why the fleet had to jump away in such a hurry during those webisodes.) There will be an all day BSG marathon on the Sci Fi Channel from 8 AM until the 10 PM premiere.

BSG Season 4.5 Promo:

BSG Season 4.5 Promo

Saturday:

Movies:
TNT is having a movie marathon, starting with everyone's favorite awkward aliens from M. Night Shyamalan's Signs at 2 PM, followed with Jurassic Park 3 at 4 PM, Independence Day at 8 PM, Spider-Man at 10:45 PM, Ultraviolet at 1:15 AM, and Doom at 2:34 AM.

Catch up on your crazy reality show voyeurism fetish, with Jim Carrey's The Truman Show on TBS at 10:30 AM followed by the super-smart John Travolta in Phenomenon.

Sunday:

Movies:

Spider-Man is on FX Sunday morning at 5:30 AM, with the Mac-vulnerable aliens of Independence Day at 8 AM.

To celebrate the final passing of SGA the Sci Fi Channel is running a week long marathon.

Monday:

The Stargate Atlantis marathon takes flight on Monday, beginning with Season 2 from 8 AM until 4 PM on the Sci Fi Channel.

Movies:
Fox FX has a great selection o' scifi tonight. Watch urinary tracts get healed with the mere wave of an inmate's hand in The Green Mile at 4:30 PM, followed with the rather unfortunate The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen at 8 PM. To top it all off, there is an 11 PM showing of Spawn.

Tuesday:

Stargate Atlantis Season 2 and 3 Marathon on the Sci Fi Channel from 8 AM until 6 PM.

The Universe -

Find out your chances for getting crushed by a world-ending asteroid here on Earth, in this week's The Universe on The History Channel at 9 PM.

Movies:

A three-and-a-half-hour version of Superman Returns is on FX in HD, at 6:30 PM

Wednesday:

Stargate Atlantis Season 3 Marathon on the Sci Fi Channel from 8 AM until 6 PM

Thursday:

Stargate Atlantis Season 3 and 5 Marathon on the Sci Fi Channel from 8 AM until 8 PM.

Movies:

The sexiest video game vixen, Lara Croft, comes to life via Angelina Jolie in Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle Of Life on TBS at 10 PM. How insanely hot would it be to have a Resident Evil Alice-versus-Lara Croft fight, and who would win? (It would have to be Alice from the first movie to keep it interesting.)

Friday:

Stargate Atlantis Season 5 is on the Sci Fi Channel from 8 AM until 6 PM.

Stargate Atlantis -
The final episode of Stargate Atlantis "Enemy At The Gate" brings a lot of old faces back to Atlantis to try and stop an invading Wraith Hive from getting into the Milky Way Galaxy and taking over Earth. Team up, SGA and make us proud, this is your last episode ever...until the made for TV movies sometime in the future.

Clips From The Final Episode Of Stargate Atlantis:














SGA Promo:





Batman The Brave And The Bold -
"Enter The Outsiders" pits Batman against a bunch of punk kids, and Wildcat comes along for the ride. The cartoon is on 8 PM on the Cartoon Network

Star Wars Clone Wars -
"The Gungan General" is a Jar Jar Binks-centric episode, mixed with a little chain gang runaway action. Hey, at least Obi-Wan is as unhappy about being around Jar Jar as I am. The next episode is on 9 PM on the Cartoon Network.

Clone Wars Promo





Sanctuary -

This week on the Amanda Tapping-and-monsters show, it's the second part of the "Revelations" two-parter, where Henry and Ashley are held captive by the evil Cabal. Find out if they make it out alive at 9 PM on the Sci Fi Channel.

Saturday:

Movies:

Adam Sandler in a gimmick movie — say what? Click the movie where Christopher Walken hands Sandler a remote control to his LIFE, which of course teaches us all a valuable lesson about something or another. Click is on Fox FX at 5:30 PM.

Here's A Trailer With Kate Beckinsale In Tiny Shorts:





But if that's not heartstringy enough for you. ABC family is showing Practical Magic at 8:30 PM. It's full of midnight all-girl margarita table dancing madness, and witch women Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman. I think it's like a rule from the 90s that if you made a movie with a predominantly female cast, you had to have a scene where they all danced around a table.





Sunday:

Movies: Let Wesley Snipes show you how it's possible for vampires to walk in the daylight and get hideous hair cuts. Blade II and Blade Trinity is on TNT at 3:30 and 5:30 PM.

Monday:

ABC has the gruesome green ogre lined up with all his buddies for Shrek the Halls on ABC at 8 PM. Fiona and Shrek take the kids to celebrate the holidays but Donkey, Puss-in-Boots and other friends keep getting in the way. It's amazing that Donkey hasn't been turned into glue yet, given how many ways he finds to annoy Shrek. The original cast returns for this special.

Tuesday:

Teach the younger members of the family how to flirt and drink like a pro, with a James Bond marathon starting at 10:00 AM until 5:30 PM on Spike.





Wednesday:

From 8 AM until 6 PM, there's a Scariest Places on Earth marathon on the Sci Fi Channel. So when little Susie won't get out of your TV-watching chair, just flip this on and surely the screams and creepy buildings will send her back down to the basement with the other tykes.

The James Bond marathon on Spike continues starting at 12 PM with You Only Live Twice, until 11:30 PM on Spike

The Discovery Channel is hosting a Project Earth marathon from 6 AM until 2 AM. This is the absolute best thing in the world to watch over the holidays, you can kill 5 hours at least in one sitting.

Ghost Hunters Seasons 4 and 4.5 run from 7 PM until 4 AM on the Sci Fi Channel.

You can't have Christmas without listening to George Bailey scream about Zuzu's petals. It's A Wonderful Life is on 8 PM at NBC, I've included the ending just to get you all misty eyed, or so you don't have to watch the whole thing over again, you wonderful old building and loan.





Thursday

Merry Christmas. Celebrate with an all day marathon of Star Trek The Next Generation on the Sci Fi Channel from 8 AM until 5 AM. Here is an absolutely it's so-bad-it's-kind-of-funny Borg Christmas Carol.





From 8 AM until 6:30 PM, The History Channel is having a marathon of UFO Files and UFO Hunters. Find out where Santa really comes from.

Just because it's the holidays doesn't mean you can slouch on the learning. From 9 AM until 11 PM, there's a ton of MythBusters on the Discovery Channel

Even more James Bond from 10:30 AM starting with Dr. No until 8:30 PM on Spike.

It's A Very Supernatural Christmas over on the CW with Sam and Dean from Supernatural at 9 PM. This is a repeat, but still pretty festive.

Celebrate family and friends with the best family of superheroes set in CG The Incredibles are on 8:30 PM and at 6 PM on ABC Family.

Catch up on all your Doctor Who Christmas Specials on BBC America from 4 PM until 6 PM are the back-to-back Dr. Who Christmas episodes. And if you're one of the luck few that get the actual BBC, then stay tuned for the big premiere of the new Christmas special, "The Next Doctor." Here's a sneak peek from the new special:





Friday:

Sci Fi Channel is having a HIGHLANDER marathon. The series runs all day and pauses at 6 PM to play Highlander: The Source. So I don't think anyone should even be outside on this Friday.

From 8 AM until 6:30 PM The History Channel is having a marathon of UFO Files and UFO Hunters.

Saturday:

From 11 AM until 5PM, the Sci Fi Channel is hosting the collection of the Children of The Corn movies, because you need to be reminded that no matter how cute they may be on Christmas morning, children are evil and must be stopped.

Sunday:

It's not Christmas without a singing Mogwai, so feast your eyes on fluffly Gizmo and his evil Gremlin buddies over at AMC. Gremlins is on 6:30 AM and the sequel, Gremlins 2, is on at 9:30 AM.





And if that's not enough to distract you from heavy family fun, then know this: StarWars.com and CartoonNetwork.com are having an online marathon of all of the Star Wars: Clone Wars episodes until January 2, so log on and turn your brain off if you need to. Plus many repeats will be airing on Cartoon Network throughout the week.

Monday

The Sarah Connor Chronicles -
Cameron is sick and tired of having Riley around this week. Also Sarah goes to a UFO convention and tracks down a blogger who knows the significance of the three dots. Please don't beat us up, Sarah! TSCC is on Fox at 8 PM

TSCC Clip:

TSCC Clip:

TSCC Promo:

Chuck -
It's a very merry Chuckmas special on NBC this week. Our floppy headed hero gets held hostage and Casey gets shot, but the biggest surprise of all is Sarah's gift. Chuck is on 9 PM.

Chuck Promo:

Heroes -
More fighting from the brothers, side choosing and destiny following as the "Villains" arc winds down. Start placing your bets on which brother is going to kick it this time. Heroes, the show with no real consequences, is on 9 PM on NBC.

Heroes Clip:

Heroes Promo:

My Own Worst Enemy -
Over on the personality switcheroo show, Edward thinks he can solve their problem once and for all — he just needs to sacrifice his children to the wraith god. Oh what, like you're watching this show? MOWE is on NBC at 10 PM.

Gundam 00 -
One full hour of mecha madness on the Sci Fi Channel from 11 PM until 12.

Movies:
Watch Uma Thurman kick Luke Wilson's ass as a crazy ex-girlfriend who just so happen to have super powers on My Super Ex-Girlfriend on 4:40 PM on HBO.

Tuesday

No new Fringe this week

The Universe -
Get a brain full of deadly comets and meteors and find out which one killed my friend Mr. Dinosaur. And what sky rock will probably Deep Impact our little planet. The Universe is on The History Channel at 9 PM.

The Universe Promo:

Wednesday

Pushing Daisies -
Norwegian detectives flood the pie maker's place of work, and they may uncover Chuck's secret. Pushing Daisies is on ABC at 8 PM.

Are the muppets fantasy or scifi? I don't know but they're having a kick ass Christmas special on NBC at 8 PM. Be there, or no longer be my friend.

Movies:
There's silver liquid robot madness over at AMC. That's right, the biggest and the best terminator (Terminator 2) is on at 5 PM. And if you're jonesing for even more Terminator madness, Terminator 3 is on FX at 8 and 10:30 PM.

Thursday

No new Smallville this week.

No new Supernatural this week.

No new Life On Mars this week.

No new Eleventh Hour this week.

Testees -
Ron and Pete are given a blind test from Testico, but they won't tell them the side effects. So the two stop eating and sleeping, and fall into madness worrying about what will happen to them. "Project X" is on FX at 11 PM.

Movies:
The best kind of wars happen with dragons, so brace yourself for Dragonwars on the Sci Fi Channel at 7 PM.

And later celebrate the holidays with a hottie mutants and buggy eyes. Total Recall is on the Sci Fi Channel at 9 PM.

Word is still out weather or no Whoville is another planet, I'm saying probably. Watch the original and see if you can tell what part of the galaxy the Grinch lives, in Dr. Seuss' How The Grinch Stole Christmas at 8 PM on ABC Family.

Friday:

No new Batman: The Brave And The Bold this week.

No new Clone Wars

No new Stargate

Sanctuary -
The monster squad over at Sanctuary track a rare creature while the news cameras are rolling. Sanctuary is on the Sci Fi Channel at 10 PM.

Movies:

I'm going to go ahead and argue that the Tim Allen Santa Clause movies are urban fantasy. The Santa Clause 2 is on ABC Family at 8 PM. Watch as Santa finds himself a mate for life.

Saturday

Movies:
Blow some shit up with Tom Cruise and friends, in J.J. Abrams' Mission Impossible 3 on TNT at 8 PM.

Sunday

Movies:

John Goodman plays Jolly Old Saint Nick and Delta Burke is the first lady of holidays, in this is the live action retelling of the classic stop motion The Year With Out Santa Claus. But sorry, no stop motion Snow Miser? No deal, fellas. The Year Without A Santa Claus is on ABC Family 11 AM.

Here's the original Stop Motion Miser dance:

Here Is the Live Action Miser Dance (I'm sorry):

Monday:

The Sarah Connor Chronicles -
Sarah and Cameron have to protect Derek's past family. But of course the family doesn't really believe them until Cameron takes a round of bullets to the chest and doesn't flinch. Then they start listening. The new Sarah Connor Chronicles is on 8 PM on Fox.

TSCC Promo:

TSCC Clip:

TSCC: Clip:

Chuck -
Find out why Sarah's con-man daddy (the fabulous Gary Cole) was in prison and watch Sarah move heaven and hell to help him get out of trouble from his last big con. Also there appears to be a Delorean in this episode somewhere. Because Chuck, if you haven't figured it out yet from NBC bludgeoning you over the head about it, is a GEEK. "Chuck Versus the Delorean" is on NBC at 8 PM.

Chuck Promo:

Heroes -
Hiro and Claire time-travel around, leaning about how Noah got the baby cheerleader from Kaito Nakamura, but I'm sure none of this temporal meddling will change the present a bit. Oh and there's yet another climatic fight that we've all been waiting for. Heroes, the show with no real consequences, is on 9 PM on NBC.

Heroes Clip:

Heroes Promo:

My Own Worst Enemy -
Nobody can get along this week, over at Christian Slater's magical super secret agent spy agency. Mavis and Alistair (real names) are arguing about how to rescue these hostages that Edward and Raymond found in Angola. Then Dr. Skinner (not the yellow-faced principal from The Simpsons, mind you, but a lady) is called in about her relationship with Edward. My Own Worst Enemy is on NBC at 10 PM. Watch if you dare.

Gundam 00 -
One full hour of mecha madness on the Sci Fi Channel from 11 PM until 12.

Movies:

Get a glimpse of a young Winona Ryder before she went all crazy. She's paired with a super emo Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands, on HBO at 1 PM.

Tuesday:

There is a Tales From The Darkside marathon on the Sci Fi Channel from 6 AM until 2:30 PM.

No new Fringe this week.

The Universe -
Curious to see the faces of our interstellar alien friends? Well, check out The Universe at 9 PM on The History Channel.

The Universe Promo:

Movies:

The Librarian: The Curse of the Judas Chalice — or National Treasure for dummies — is on TNT at 7 PM.

AMC has its usual scifi round up of sweaty chested lovelies Matthew McConaughey and Christian Bale getting all hot and bothered over dragons in Reign Of Fire at 8 PM, followed by more intense action with Terminator 2 on 10 PM.

Wednesday:

There's a Special Unit 2 marathon on the Sci Fi Channel from 8 AM until 3 PM. Wait, you don't remember Special Unit 2? Let me refresh your memory, rocking guitar opener and all:

Pushing Daisies -
Olive leads the team to crack the mysterious murder of the lighthouse keeper, and Ned has to deal with the sudden appearance of Chuck's Pappy and all his creepy bandages. Pushing Daisies is on ABC at 8 PM.

Pushing Daisies Promo:

No new Knight Rider this week.

UFO Hunters -
This week, let's crack the whole mystery behind the Arizona lights. Apparently there's been a bit of a situation with light/alien/just-a-plane activity in the Arizona skies. The new episode is on The History Channel at 10 PM.

Here's a news report about when UFO Hunters came to Phoenix:

UFO Hunter Promo:

Movies:

TCM is having a fabulous day of scifi specials. The Cat People are taking over at 6 AM, followed with Return Of The Cat People at 7:30 — and this classic movie is dayum scary especially when you can hear the cat person nom, noming it's prey. But for serious, it's scary.

At 12:30 and 2 PM, TCM will fill you up with evil children with Village of the Damned first, followed by Children Of The Damned.

2001: A Space Odyssey classic will be appearing at 3:30 PM on TCM, and at 6 PM there's 2010.

Thursday:

No new Smallville this week.

No new Supernatural this week.

No new Life On Mars this week.

No new Eleventh Hour this week.

Testees -

This week on Testees, the boys lose the ability to feel pain. So Ron becomes a daredevil, and Peter a boy toy for a dominatrix. "Mr. Pain and Danger Lad" are on Fox FX at 11 PM.

Movies:

Go crazy with board game fantasy and that hairy comic that talks really fast, when some poor children get sucked into a violent board game called Jumanji at 1 AM on TNT.

Embrace John Carpenter's wonder before they remake it into crap, with The Thing on the Sci Fi Channel at 7 PM.

Friday:

Batman: The Brave And The Bold -
Batman gets into the holiday spirit, bringing a bad Santa who's on a crime spree to justice. Batman is on Cartoon Network at 8 PM.

Clone Wars -
Finally, it's all Grievous all the time, or at least that's what I'm hoping this week's Clone Wars turns out to be, it's all about his Lair. To which I wonder: how does Grievous decorate his lair? Does he have a smoking room, or a pool? What about a balcony? This week on the Cartoon Network at 9 PM, we shall finally see.

"Lair Of Grievous" Behind The Scenes:

General Grievous Jam:

Stargate Atlantis -
Off with her head, or something close like it. This week Jewel Staite gets involved in a case of mistaken identity. So if Dr. Keller dies, does this mean I can have McKay? Because I'd be okay with that. Stargate Atlantis which has only THREE episodes left, will be on the Sci Fi Channel at 9 PM.

(editor's note: sorry I confused this weeks with last weeks, when clearly this last Friday's was "Infection" and this is "Identity.")

Stargate Promo:

Sanctuary -
This week the monster kids are tracking down a secret fight club where the people battle to the death. You know like Fight Club, only not cool in the slightest. The new Sanctuary is on 10 PM on the Sci Fi Channel.

Movies:

ABC family is premiering The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe. Check out James McAvoy as the little fawn, Mr. Tumnus, before he got all Wanted hot (I preferred the shirtless goat-scarf look, to be honest). The movie will air at 6 PM and 9:30 PM.

Tumnus!

Saturday:

Movies:
Get bouncy with Flubber at 9:40 AM on TBS.

Sunday:

Movies:

One of the best Disney scifi movies ever is The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes, staring Kurt Russell. Please do enjoy this clip — it's on 12 PM on TCM.

Monday:

Heroes -
The eclipse is still going and all 1,000 cast members are rallying for the big moment where they find out if they'll lose their powers forever and ever. I'm on the side of no. The second half of "The Eclipse" two-parter is at 9 PM on NBC.

Heroes Clip:

Heroes Promo:

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles -
What's the sexy glazed-eyed Summer Glau bot do all night whilst the Connor family is asleep? My guess is, robot clubbing. The new TSCC is on 8 PM at Fox.

TSCC Promo:

Chuck -
The best part of Chuck is being revisited this week: Captain Awesome's parents come to town. Let the high-fiving flow like the river Jordan. Plus we get to meet Casey's mentor. Chuck is on NBC at 8 PM.

Chuck Promo:

Chuck clips:

My Own Worst Enemy -
Our split-personality hero is still trying to find out who murdered his parents. Will he figure it out before the show ends forever? My Own Worst Enemy is on NBC at 10 PM.

Gundam 00 -
Get your mecha madness fix, with a double showing of Gundam 00 (season one) over on the Sci Fi Channel at 11 PM.

Tuesday:

Fringe -
This week on the Walter and Peter Bishop variety hour, Olivia meets a man that gets stuck walking through a wall and starts to lose her damn mind with all her ex-boyfriend's memories all floatin' around in her noggin. Fringe is on Fox at 9 PM.

Fringe Promo:

Wednesday:

There's an early morning Twilight Zone marathon starting at 8 AM with "He's Alive" on the Sci Fi Channel.

Pushing Daisies -
It's a battle of tasty wits on Pushing Daisies, as Ned and Olive try and win the comfort food competition. Until the chef is found dead. Was it the waffle nazi? Pushing Daisies is on ABC at 8 PM.

Pushing Daisies Promo:

UFO: Hunters -
Everything you've ever wanted to know about the little green men that landed in the desert near Roswell, New Mexico, will all be explained — including whether there was a second crash. Tune into UFO: Hunters on The History Channel at 10 PM.

UFO Promo

No Knight Rider this week.

Movies:
Watch one family try to pick up the pieces 28 weeks after the rage virus destroyed England. But of course, nothing will go according to plan. 28 Weeks Later is on 3 PM on Cinemax.

Thursday:

No new Smallville this week.

No new Supernatural this week.

No new Life On Mars this week.

Eleventh Hour -
Hood uses his smarts in Oklahoma to uncover why all of the students are dying of the bends (the scuba related condition, not the Radiohead album which is equally as relevant, since they're at a college). Eleventh Hour is on CBS at 10 PM.

Testees -
This week on Testees the human lab rats test out chastity belts which mean they can't have sex for a week. Which if you've seen the show, probably shouldn't be that big of a problem. "Abstinence Underwear" is on FX at 11 PM.

Movies:

Stamp your feet and hold your breath until daddy finally ponies up for that golden goose, when ABC Family screens Charlie And The Chocolate Factory at 6 PM.

All three Dinotopia's are back-to-back over at the Sci Fi Channel starting at 11 PM, and if you didn't know how to make a dinosaur-pulled cart before, you will now.

Friday:

Stargate Atlantis -
It's Jewel Staite's chance to act like a sexy prison-lady when Dr. Keller's consciousness gets swapped with a criminal's. It's about time this show got around to a body/brain swapping story. Stargate Atlantis is on 9 PM on the Sci Fi Channel.

Sanctuary -
This week Amanda Tapping's monster hunters head underwater, and into more trouble. Sanctuary is on 10 PM on the Sci Fi Channel.

Batman: The Brave And The Bold -
Batman teams up with the fish man himself — Aquaman — and they get to fight Ocean Master and Black Manta. Underwater squee! B&B is on Cartoon Network at 8 PM.

Clone Wars -
Sorry we got the episodes confused last week but this is the week that the baby jedi fights! Ahsoka is under attack on Star Wars: The Clone Wars and she has to fight with Luminara to protect their prisoner, Nute Gunray. Fight, baby Jedi, fight, on the Cartoon Network at 9 PM.

Ben 10: Alien Task Force is on 9:30 PM on the Cartoon Network.

Movies:
Smear your face with mud and set fire to your house, 'cause Predator is on at 11:30 PM on HBO.

Saturday:

Movies:
Didn't think Helena Bonham Carter could get any creepier? Check out Tim Burton's The Planet of The Apes remake on FX at 2 P. 2:00.

Sunday:

Movies:
Travel to the depths of the ocean right quick, before Hollywood remakes this technicolor classic with Mel Gibson voicing the giant squid. 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea is on 4 PM on TCM.

Monday:

Sarah gets close to the Turk in tonight's all-new Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Honestly I'm still reeling from the "maybe I'm not from the same future as you" craziness that Derek Reese unloaded last week. SCC is on Fox at 8 PM.

Clip From SCC:

Clip From SCC:

Promo For SCC:

Nerd-playa Chuck is juggling one too many ladies, so obviously one of them is going to become evil and force a blonde angry spy to kick the brunette's adorable little keister. Yup, it's yet another chick fight over at Chuck at NBC on 8 PM.

Chuck Promo:

Heroes goes dark in a two-parter starting tonight. Part one of "The Eclipse" episode has Arthur sending Sylar and Elle after the cheerleader. But more importantly, this is the week that lovable geeks Seth Green and Breckin Meyer guest star as a couple of comic-book nerds with all the answers. Heroes is on NBC at 9 PM.

Heroes Behind The Scenes Seth and Breckin:

Heroes Clip:

Heroes Clip:

Heroes Promo:

Heroes Promo:

It's Slater time! This week on My Own Worst Enemy Edward desperately tries to solve the mystery of his parents' murder. Will we find out the truth, before the show ends and never comes back? The episode "High Crimes And Turducken" is on 10 PM on NBC.

Movies:

Learn how the Christian Bale Batman was born with Nolan's first bat-movie. Batman Begins is on FX at 10:30 PM.

Also saddle up for a Star Wars prequel marathon on the Spike channel starting at 5 PM and continuing on into the next day.

Tuesday:

Our prayers are getting answered this week on Fringe: it sounds like "The Dreamscape" is a Peter-centric episode. Also Olivia tries to dip back into the memories of her dead ex-boyfriend, but who cares? Peter's gonna rough some people up and show us what he's capable of. Fringe is on Fox at 9 PM.

Fringe Promo:

Movies:

Watch the world end with snow and tornadoes a plenty on The Day After Tomorrow which airs on Fox FX at 7:30 PM.

Wednesday:

More murders are coming in on Pushing Daisies for our adorable investigators to solve. This week a millionaire gets the axe and the finger points to a Robin Hood-like character. Catch the new episode on ABC at 8 PM.

Pushing Daisies Promo:

No Knight Rider this week.

Movies:

It's not a holiday without a little Doc and Michael J. Fox. Back To The Future is on Encore at 3:40 PM.

Thursday:

No new Smallville this week.

No new Supernatural this week.

No new Life On Mars this week.

No new Eleventh Hour.

Movies:

Stuff yourself with holiday treats, then settle in for a massive Planet of The Apes marathon over at the Fox Movie Channel. Four days of Apey goodness starting at 8 PM and going all the way through Sunday. The highlights include (presented in widescreen) Planet of the Apes, Beneath the Planet of the Apes, Escape from the Planet of the Apes, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes and a few TV Ape movies like Treachery and Greed on the Planet of the Apes and Farewell to the Planet of the Apes.

But wait we're not done yet!

On the Sci Fi Channel you've got a bushel of James Bond at 6:30 and 11 PM watch Tomorrow Never Dies and at 9 PM The World Is Not Enough.

The Incredibles, everyones favorite family of superheroes is on NBC at 8 PM.

Friday:

Ahsoka is under attack on Star Wars: The Clone Wars and she has to fight with Luminara to protect their prisoner Nute Gunray. Fight, baby Jedi, fight!

Clone Wars Promo:

No new Stargate Atlantis

No new Sanctuary

No new Ben 10

Movies:

Go ahead and use those leftover mashed potatoes to build your own alien landing pad and watch Close Encounters Of The Third Kind on AMC at 5 PM.

Saturday:

Movies:

More end-of-the-world madness, but this time Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck ride a rocket to meet an oncoming asteroid that aims to destroy the world, in Armageddon on Fox FX at 6 PM.

Put on your red PJs and do the spidey dance — the first Maguire Spider-Man movie is on TNT at 10:30 PM.

Sunday:

Movies:

Learn the real truth behind the things that go bump in the night with Will Smith and the secret government officials called the Men In Black on 12 PM on TBS.

Monday:

This week we may finally get some answers in Sarah Connor Chronicles. After last week's Mexican fiasco, it seems the team is hungry for some answers, and Sarah has to spill the beans on what she's done to change the course of fate. Plus it looks like we'll be getting some crazy dream sequences with all the bots and Sarah. SCC is on Fox at 8 PM.

Sarah Connor Chronicles Preview:

Sarah Connor Chronicles Clip:

It's blondes versus brunettes on Chuck this week as the old flopsy haired Nerd Herder has to chose between his fake girlfriend Sarah and his ex-girlfriend Jordana Brewster. "Chuck Versus the Fat Lady" is on NBC at 8 PM.

Chuck Preview:

Everybody is gunning for Peter and Claire this week (pretty much just like every other week on Heroes). Sylar gets in Elle's face at Pinehearst, and oh yeah — that eclipse that gave everybody superpowers, well, apparently "It's Coming" again. Heroes is on NBC at 9 PM.

Heroes Preview:

Heroes Clip:

Heroes Behind The Scenes:

Enjoy the last few episodes of My Own Worst Enemy while you still can. This week Edward kicks it with the KGB while Henry tries to uncover Angie's secret backstory (is she a spy too?). "The Night Train To Moscow" episode is on NBC at 10 PM.

Tuesday:

Get your fill of Elisha Dushku with a Tru Calling marathon from 8 AM until 3 PM on the Sci Fi Channel.

Walter goes back to the loony bin to uncover some time traveling ghost hunting craziness. Finally a more Walter-centric Fringe, which is exactly how I like my mad scientist, full of fruit-cup brilliance. Fringe is on 9 PM on Fox.

Wednesday:

Hooray, Pushing Daisies is back and this time with double the cheeky magic. Fred Willard is on as the top hatted magician who has been a surrogate father to Ned's half brothers. Fred's magical animal assistants are all dying off and the magician needs some help figuring out who's the culprit on NBC at 8 PM. Here are a collection of pics from the new episode.

No Knight Rider this week.

Movies:

Don your terrible wigs and even worse Eastern European accents: Van Helsing is on TNT at 11 PM.

Thursday:

Wedding bells are ringing for the secondary characters on Smallville. Will Chloe's wedding go off without a hitch? Probably not if Doomsday has something to say about it, plus Lana comes back and totally ruins the chances of Lois and Clark having an embarrassing open-bar wedding hookup. I bet she walks in right as they are about to kiss. Smallville is on the CW at 8 PM.

Smallville Clip:

Smallville Clip:

Smallville Preview:

Supernatural's Dean and Sam, have to make battle with yet more demons and angels, and Anna still isn't dead yet this week, but if the boys don't figure out how to kill a pack of angels, Dean's going straight back to hell — do not pass go, do not collect $200. "Heaven and Hell" is on the CW at 9 PM.

Supernatural Preview:

Supernatural Clip:

Supernatural Clip:

Supernatural Clip:

Sam Tyler gets to meet his Papa this week (who just so happens to be a crook) and holy cow — it's Dennis Duffy the beeper king, otherwise known as Charley Dixon from SCC. This guy is in everything! Life On Mars is on 10 PM at ABC.

Hood gets to meet some super secret super soldiers this week on Eleventh Hour at 10 PM on CBS.

Movies:

The ultimate reality TV show of the future follows baby Jim Carrey as Truman from conception to escape, in The Truman Show at 10 PM on TBS.

Friday:

Jar Jar is all over this week's Star Wars: The Clone Wars, so Binks-haters beware. He's actually mistaken for a Jedi and gets into wacky hijinks with C-3PO. "Bombad Jedi" is on Cartoon Network at 9 PM.

Clone Wars Preview:

The nerdgasm we've all been waiting for is about to air this week, in Stargate Atlantis' special "Brainstorm" episode. Not only is Bill Nye the Science Guy making a cameo, but so are Dave Foley and Neil deGrasse Tyson. This week McKay and Dr. Keller descend to Earth to watch McKay's rival Foley demonstrate his latest project. Atlantis is on 9 PM on the Sci Fi Channel.

Sanctuary's Will digs deeper into his father's past on 10 PM on the Sci Fi Channel.

Sanctuary Preview

Ben 10: Alien Force's Ship has to be saved from the Forever Knights on the Cartoon Network at 9:30 PM.

Batman gets face to face with some dinosaurs this week in Batman: The Brave and the Bold on the Cartoon Network at 8 PM.

Saturday:

Movies:

The Return Of The Joker is on 9 PM on the Cartoon Network.

Sunday:

Everything is going to Hell in a hand-basket on True Blood. Sookie starts to piece together the missing pieces of the local murders, and Sam gets a visit from an old buddy. Hopefully they meet in the shapes of animals. True Blood is on HBO at 9 PM.

True Blood Preview:

Movies:

Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt chase mother nature, but stay sexy in Twister at 6 PM on TNT.

Monday:

What fool would rob Sarah Connor's house? This week, meet the idiot and enjoy the sudden and awful pain that Ms. Connor is sure to inflict on the cat burglar in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles' "Brothers of Nablus" on Fox at 8 PM.

SCC Promo:

SCC Clip:

Discover the inner joys of Anime underground dwellings inhabited by hottie ladies with thigh-high get-ups, on Gurren Lagann on the Sci Fi Channel on 11 PM.

No Chuck this week.

No Heroes this Week.

Movies:

Blow crap up and be a bad ass with Vin Diesel in xXx, about a bald criminal-turned-super agent who likes to wear really big coats on FX at at 7 PM.

Tuesday:

No Fringe this week.

Movies:

Tom Hanks meets a giant man on death row who can heal UTI with the mere grab of a crotch, in Stephen King's The Green Mile at 7 PM on FX.

Wednesday:

Oooh now it's personal, there's a murder at Knight Industries and it's up to Mike Tracer to find out who killed the techie. Knight Rider is on NBC 8 PM.

UFO Hunters looks into the official police investigations of UFO claims in Ohio, Michigan and Illinois. Chase down the fires in the sky on the History Channel at 10 PM.

Thursday:

Ah, the hottie boys of Supernatural find a real life wishing well that brings teddy bears to life... must have been a slow week. "Wishful Thinking" is on the CW at 9 PM.

Supernatural Clip:

Supernatural Promo:

The Arctic Crystal is back and brings Clark face to face with his cuz. Kara and Clark are all trapped in some creepy new land while Lois gets some superpowers. Smallville is on the CW at 8 PM.

"Bloodline" Smallville Promo:

Smallville Clips:

This week on Life On Mars, a terrible hate crime stirs up the black and Puerto Rican communities in New York, in the 70s. Now it's up to the time traveling cop Sam to set things straight on ABC at 10 pm. Oh and Whoopie Goldburg dons a big ol' wig for a cameo. And says the word "Funkafied."

Life On Mars Promo:

Hood has to go all the way to Pittsburgh to uncover the secrets behind a lethal virus, and he's gotta find the antidote before it spreads across the world killing everyone. Eleventh Hour's "Containment" episode is on CBS at 10 PM.

Movies:

Have you not heard? Flu Bird is the word, at least on the Sci Fi Channel. Get your sick-bird fill when flocks of ill feathered friends begin to attack humans in a Sci Fi Original on at 9 PM.

Friday:

Star Wars: The Clone Wars this week is the first of a two-parter called "Downfall of a Droid" where Anakin is on the hunt for his lost droid R2-D2 after the Separatists find him and want to hack into all of his secrets. Clone Wars is on Cartoon Network at 9 PM.

Clone Wars Promo:

Michael is back and still jonesing for Tey-tey's infant. Looks like we may have a show down in Atlantian territory, but if it makes Teyla show some sort of personality than I say go for it. Stargate Atlantis is on at 9 PM in the Sci Fi Channel.

Stargate Atlantis' "The Prodigal" Promo:

Saturday:

Movies:

Get creepy and kooky with everyone's favorite weird family. Addams Family Values is on ABC Family at 6 PM.

Sick of the back and forth fall weather? Snuggle up to a really cold monsters in a collection of Sci Fi Channels. Abominable at 5 PM, Ice Spiders at 7 PM and Yeti at 9 PM.

Sunday:

Sam reveals his big "secret" to Sookie, this week on True Blood, who may or may not be understanding in this week's episode called "I Don't Wanna Know." Also Bill has to pay for all his sexy vampire crimes against his fellow fang babies. True Blood is 9 PM on HBO.

Round Up Of Last Few Episodes Of True Blood:

Monday:

That old stick figure, Nicole Richie, is gracing the set of everyones favorite Nerd Herder, Chuck. This week on "Chuck Versus The Cougars" Chuck meets "Sarah's" old buddies at her high school reunion. Chuck is on at 8 PM on NBC.

Time for all the Heroes characters to "choose a side," between Peter's mean mom or Peter's scruffy dad. Oh, and we'll get to spend plenty of quality time with a puppet-master baddie, who will force you to eat your pasta — carbs be damned. Heroes is on NBC at 9 PM.

Hot lady robo fighting action in this week's Sarah Connor Chronicles. Plus, main man Brian Austin Green gets himself a new lady friend, Battlestar Galactica's Stephanie Jacobsen. SCC is back and on Fox at 8 PM.

SCC Promo:

Clip From SCC:

This week, inside Christian Slater's two people, one brain, double life series My Own Worst Enemy, Edward's gotta kidnap a German software engineer and Henry is all mopey because he now realizes that his life is a farce. The episode "Hummingbird" is on at 10 PM on on NBC.

Go underground with the anime hotties of the future in Gurren Lagann. In this dystopian future, everyone has been forced to live beneath the Earth's surface and they journey to the surface to fight the big bad robots on the Sci Fi Channel at 11 and 11:30 PM.

On Charlie Jade's "Ouroboros," Charlie and Blues have a reunion in Betaverse but as per usual 01Boxer ruins everything for our space investigator. Jade airs on the Sci Fi Channel at 3 AM.

Movies:

Embrace the Jedi mullet in Star Wars Ep. IV at 6 PM on Spike, and later enjoy superhero team fighting at its worst with The Fantastic Four on FX at 8 PM.

Tuesday:

New Fringe has a head-splodey lady that will no doubt prompt puzzled stares from Peter Bishop and some some-shoot-first-ask-questions-later interrogation from Olivia. This weeks episodes "The Cure" is on Fox at 9 PM.

How To Explode A Head Fringe Style:

Fringe The Cure Trailer:

Movies:

Learn how torture your best mate into sympathizing with your ideals in V For Vendetta, at 7 PM on FX.

Celebrate the best of the slow marching zombies on Dawn of The Dead at 6:30 on the Sci Fi Channel.

Wednesday:

Mike Tracer gets smacked around by more hot girls in high level government positions on "Knight Of The Hunter" on NBC 8 PM.

Promo With Kicky Foreign Lady On Knight Rider:

Movies:

Enjoy the best fake commercials the scifi world has to offer in Children Of Men on HBO2 at 8 PM.

Thursday:

Furrow your brow with Rufus Sewell and ponder how a mere breakfast could paralyze an entire family on Eleventh Hour. The episode titled "Savant" is on at 10 PM on CBS

In this weeks Life On Mars, Sam tries to teach a bunch of New York 70s cops what a hate crime is, Harvey Keitel is still confused in the episode called "My Maharishi Is Bigger Than Your Maharishi." The American revamp of this British hit is on 10 PM on ABC.

Clark is all a twitter about Doomsday hanging around all the city's major crime scenes, but Doomy isn't taking Clark's suspicion lying down. Oooh, please get in a fight, especialy if it leads to Sam Witwer taking his shirt off. Smallville is on 8 PM on the CW.

Clark and Davis Smack Talk:

Smallville Clips:

Friday:

The Clone warriors are finally getting a voice of their own as they're forced to defend their cozy incubation station/home. Rex and Cody step up to inspire their Clone army in Star Wars: Attack Of The Clones on The Cartoon Network at 9 PM.

Clone Wars Promo:

The Clones Fight To Defend Their Home Clip:

New Ben 10: Alien Force, at 9:30 PM on Cartoon Network.

The Stargate Atlantis crew gets hauled into court for all of the crap they've pulled in this galaxy over the last 5 years. In "Inquisition" the whole crew has to testify for their crimes against the galaxy on the Sci Fi Channel on 9 PM. We interviewed Robert Picardo about this episode at Comic-Con, and he said he had to memorize pages of epic dialog for this one.

Get to know the big man behind the 100-year-old lady in Sanctuary's new episode, "Fata Morgana," on at 10 PM at the Sci Fi Channel.

Movies:

Learn how to blow up a restaurant with a stick of gum, "just don't chew it," in Mission Impossible at 12:30 AM on TNT.

Saturday:

This week the Primeval team sets a trap for the saboteur inside their own group on BBC America at 9 PM.

Movies:

Tune in for the second best Ghostbuster movie ever made. Ghostbusters II is on at 8:00 PM on Bravo.

Sunday:

If you thought the blood had hit the fan on last weeks True Blood, just wait to see what Jason resorts to, to get his V-Juice fix. Plus the Viking vamp is back and he's keen on using Sookie's "talents." This weeks True Blood is at 9 PM on HBO.

Monday:

Nasty jocks infest the Buy More playing sports video games and harassing the Nerd Herd. Will the Morgan be able to stick for himself? Plus Sarah's ex-boyfriend is back and making "nerdy-but-not-really-nerdy-at-all" Chuck all sorts of "adorably" awkward, again. Check out the line up of clips for "Chuck Versus The Break-Up." Chuck is on 8 PM on NBC.

Chuck Clips:

Oooh Claire is so pissed at her Pappy's new partner Sylar on NBC's Heroes. But after that horrendous brain-violation that happened a few episodes back, can you really blame her? Plus the leader of the villains and big Daddy Arthur Petrelli is coming for a visit. The new episode "Angels And Heroes" is on at 9PM.

Here's a clip where daddy comes back:

Daphne Gets Recruited On Heroes:

Here's Daddy Promo:

No Sarah Connor Chronicles this week.

Two episodes of sexy thigh-high-wearing Anime girls in Gurren Lagann on the Sci Fi Channel at 11 and 11:30 PM.

On Charlie Jade's "Flesh," Charlie and Tukarrs make a deal with 01 to break him out of prison. Jade airs on the Sci Fi Channel at 3 AM.

Tuesday:

Fringe is back this week — we missed you Walter! This week, a weird guy is electrocuting other people (but I assure you not in the X-Files way) and Dr. Bishop uses homing pigeons to solve the case. Fringe is on 9 PM on Fox. And here's a behind-the-scenes clip:

Movies:

The world ends yet again on Deep Impact on TMC at 1 PM, and Matthew Broderick teaches us all the value of computer games and nuclear warfare in War Games at 3 PM on AMC.

Wednesday:

Deadly toxins get released and it's up to KITT and Mike to save the day. Mike Tracer almost dies, but manages to keep his shirt on this time. Tune in "Hard Days Knight" on NBC at 8 PM — and maybe this week, KITT will back over a passed out Tracer (fingers crossed!).

Promo:

Thursday:

Lois and Clark go undercover as a couple to track down a serial killer, and calamity and near-death experiences ensue. Let's hope there's some actual sexual tension between these two in this week's Smallville, "Committed" on CW at 8 PM.

Here's a clip:

Executive Producer Todd Slavkin On "Committed":

God is getting involved in a series of evil-science-motivated murders in the "Cardiac" episode of Eleventh Hour — or, as I know it, "the other Fringe." Still, Rufus Sewell does bring some superior brooding skills to the table. Check it out on CBS at 10 PM.

Here's the promo:

Sam Tyler has to figure out how he got hit by a car in 2008 and woke up in 1973. But first on Life On Mars, he's got a series of fatal robberies he needs to investigate, back in the day.

LOM Promo:

Movies:

Meet the super shiny Silver Surfer in Fantastic Four 2 on HBO at 12 PM.

Friday:

On Ben 10: Alien Force, our heroic Ben and the Highbreed Commander get stranded on a foreign planet together. The episode "Alone Together" is at 9:30 PM on Cartoon Network.

On the new new Clone Wars, "Destroy Malevolence," it's up to Anakin to save Padme's backside once again! That's at 9 PM on the Cartoon Network. And here's a promo including some action scenes:

A plague infects a band of refugees picked up by the Atlantis crew on an all new Stargate Atlantis, "Outsiders," on the Sci Fi Channel at 9 PM.

Team Sanctuary discovers a group of thieves that posses a strange ability to slip in and out of cracks. The new episode "Folding Man" is on at 10 PM at the Sci Fi Channel.

Saturday:

This week the Primeval team fights monster scorpions on BBC America at 9 PM.

Movies:

Charlie Sheen chases around some backwards knee bendy aliens in The Arrival on HBO at 12:30 PM.

Before Keanu invades your mind as the somewhat more colorful Klaatu, check out the original alien invasion while AMC screens the black-and-white Day The Earth Stood Still at 1:30 PM.

Sunday:

Uncle Bartlett's issues with Sookie come to a head with vampire Bill's involvement this week on True Blood. Jason continues to deal with his addiction to V-Juice and more redneck rage in the episode "Burning House Of Love" on HBO at 9 PM.

Monday:

The John Larroquette gusts stars on Chuck this week, as a seasoned seduction artist who needs to teach Chuck how to get into the pants of one red hot Russian Sasha Banacheck (Melinda Clark). Adding Larroquette to this weeks "Chuck Vs The Seduction" is just one of many guests stars Chuck has planned for the season, but let's face it — does it get much better than a little Larry? Chuck is on 8 PM on NBC.

Larroquette Yells At Chuck:

"Don't Call Her Missy"

Sylar the sweet heart? Sure, why not? This week on NBC's Heroes, the Peters have to fight their cheerleading niece, who has gone evil (clearly marked by her new choice of hair color) and Sylar gets all cute and cuddly. The new episode "I am Become Death" is on at 9PM.

Clips Of Claire Bennet Sharing "Secrets" With Nathan Petrelli:

The Sarah Connor Chronicles gives Derek Reese another chance to be a bad ass and yell at all his recruits, teaching them a thing or two about guns and heart (of course you gotta have heart to fight the machines). SCC is on Fox at 8 PM.

Two episodes of sexy thigh-high-wearing Anime girls in Gurren Lagann on the Sci Fi Channel at 11 and 11:30 PM.

On Charlie Jade's "Bedtime Story," our futuristic private dick gets sentimental about how much time he's spent in Beta, and wonders how it has changed him now that he is back in Alpha. Jade airs on the Sci Fi Channel at 3 AM.

Tuesday:

There is a Tales From The Darkside marathon on the Sci Fi Channel from 6 AM until 4:30 PM.

No Fringe This Week.

Movies:

Follow sexy strapped Angelina Jolie to find the Cradle Of Life, in the second Lara Croft Tomb Raider on TBS at 10 AM.

Wednesday:

Last week Mike Tracer taught us how to be a man. This week, KITT and Mikey hit the beach with their stereotypical hot assistant in "Knight Of The Iguana." The new Knight Rider is on NBC at 8 PM.

Thursday:

Smallville's latest episode "Instinct" is gives us a shocking new scantily clad lady, Maxima, an alien princess. She's searching for her alien mate (a Kryptonian) but her out of control sexuality kills a lot of humans in the process. Smallville is on CW at 8 PM.

Watch Maxima Get Freaky With Some Poor Soul:

Movies:

Fight your way to the top with Arnold in The Running Man on TBS at 2:30 AM.

Ponder how it was that you could wipe away a man's memory and then bring it back in order to fight aliens and save the world one more time, on Men In Black 2 on TNT at 9:45 PM. Mostly notable for the giant toilet flushing scene.

Friday:

A new Ben 10: Alien Force brings us a new bad boy. There's a new villain in town, and his name is Darkstar. The episode "Darkstar Rising" is at 9:30 PM on Cartoon Network.

New Clone Wars, "Shadow of Malevolence" follows Anakin's brainy plan to attack General Grievous' ship. That's at 9 PM on the Cartoon Network.

Shanks is back for the second half of our big two-parter on the new Stargate Atlantis episode "The Lost Tribe," on the Sci Fi Channel at 9 PM.

A new Sanctuary episode dabbles with witches in the real world on the Sci Fi Channel at 10 PM.

Movies:

Wanna see Charlize Theron clad in leather and kicking ass in a crazy future filled with robot spiders and needles? (Who doesn't?) Aeon Flux is on TNT at 2 AM.

Saturday:

Miss your Chuck? Don't worry — NBC repeats this week's new episode at 9 PM.

The city's canal system gets breached by an anomaly, and now species from the future can walk in and out as they please. Time to call the Primeval gang to fix the monster mess over at BBC America at 9 PM.

Movies:

Watch Ryan Reynolds piss off the world's best day walker Blade in Blade: Trinity on TNT at 5:30 PM (plus the gratuitous Jessica Biel muscles make it worth DVRing for sure).

Sunday:

This week the shit really hits the fan over at True Blood. "Cold Ground" makes everybody uneasy, as the murders start to stack up and the families that once loved each other begin to rip each other apart under suspicion. True Blood is on HBO at 9 PM.

Monday:

We're wondering what robot ass is Sarah Connor going to kick this week and what trouble will John Connor get in. (Because he always does.) After last weeks big booming surprise, it should be very interesting to see how they try and top the premiere. Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles airs on Fox at 8 PM. Check out a new clip from this weeks episode below:

Charlie Jade, the world's trying-so-desperately-to-be-sexy space detective still can't figure what's happening in our alternate universe, in "Things Unseen," at 3 AM.

Two episodes of sexy thigh-high-wearing Anime girls in Gurren Lagann on the Sci Fi Channel at 11 and 11:30 PM.

Tuesday:

Dead people whisper sweet nothings to Eliza Dushku in an all day Tru Calling marathon on the Sci Fi channel starting at 8 AM.

What will the crazy amnesiac scientist pee again on next in this weeks Fringe? In this week's "almost-X-Files" episode, the gang uncovers the secrets behind the 99-year-old baby and Olivia mopes about her departed boytoy. Catch the next episode on Fox at 9 PM. And here are the first few minutes of the episode, which aired last night:

Sassy-pants Eureka Sheriff Carter has to save the town from a bonus sun, and monitor the local election. Check out "Here Come The Suns" on the Sci Fi Channel at 9 PM.

Wednesday:

Treat yourself to a Twilight Zone reboot with an Outer Limits marathon starting at 8 AM on the Sci Fi Channel. Extra points if you can list all the currently famous actors that paid their rent with Outer Limits work.

Adam and Jamie attempt to transforming your average gun into a water powered super canon on MythBusters on the Discovery Channel at 9 PM.

Was there ever a Bigfoot in NYC? The History Channel attempts to solve the mystery behind the Monster of Whitehall in MonsterQuest on 8 PM.

Thursday:

Smallville is back for its eighth and maybe final season, picking up where it left off. Clark is missing after his giant confrontation with Lex, and it's up to the Justice League to track him down. But it won't be easy, and Lex's sexy new replacement is standing in their way. Here's a clip from the new episode:

Movies:

Learn how to kill plague zombies with your brain powers, and visit a post-apocalyptic Las Vegas, in the third installment of the the Resident Evil video game movie franchise, Apocalypse.

Later that night tune in for a little shot of Bruce Campbell in Man With The Screaming Brain on the Sci Fi Channel at 3 AM.

And finally Species (featuring the alien with whom you should make war, not love) is on AMC at 1:15 PM.

Friday:

Follow the play-by-his-own-rules veteran Nick and his partner Kate in a Special Unit 2 marathon on the Sci Fi channel at 8 AM. The kids of Unit 2 find the missing links in evolution.

Stargate Atlantis premieres a new episode of "The Tracker" on the Sci Fi Channel at 10 PM.

Movies:

The last Pauly Shore movie that was ever worth watching, Encino Man, is on at 2:30 AM on TNT. The squirrel and his buddy discover a man frozen in ice and decide to thaw out this caveman, who turns out to be a pretty sexy Brendan Fraser, buuuudy.

Build you own super race with the mad scientist from the 1950s classic Bride of the Monster. It's on at 4:45 AM at TCM.

Saturday:

Still hungry for more hipster geekery? Check out a vintage Chuck episode on 8 PM on NBC.

The A.R.C. team meets a monster from the future that is "the worst threat of all," but my guess is they'll wrap up the whole time/space problem in under an hour tops. Primeval is on BBC America at 8 PM.

Movies:

The Flesh Eaters is a 60s classic monster movie where a movie star and her ridiculous entourage get marooned on an island inhabited by flesh eating amoebas. See it on AMC at 3:15 AM.

Sunday:

Get your fill of animated cleavage with the premiere of Spaceballs on G4 at 5 PM.

True Blood is back for the third time and maybe, just maybe, Sookie will let vampire Bill get to second base this episode? Perhaps, if she hasn't been eaten by his vampy party-crashing friends and Bill hasn't been attacked by the local villagers for all the mysterious murders. Bottom line, it's a lot of people having sex. True Blood is on HBO at 9 PM.

There's a Metalocalypse rerun on Adult Swim at 2 AM.

Movies:

Traci Lords is a vampire space alien who is hell bent on showing as many exposed breasts as are humanly possible in one fantastic Roger Corman remake called NOt Of This Earth on the Sci Fi Channel at 3 AM.

Monday:

The Middleman this week is all about the cranky robot Ida. Nanobots take over her circuits and she becomes evil. Finally, I've been dying for a Ida-centric episode since the beginning, her sassy back and forth with Wendy is why I love her. The Middleman is on ABC Family at 10 PM.

Futuristic private dick Charlie Jade solves universe-hopping shenanigans at 3 AM on the Sci Fi Channel.

Movies:

Let your mind flutter back through time with Ashton Kutcher, as he travels back in time to save his girlfriends life over, and over, and over, in The Butterfly Effect on FX at 9 PM. Also genetically engineered dinosaurs will roam the Earth again, but in their own theme park, in Jurassic Park on the Sci Fi channel at 9 PM.

Tuesday:

The Sci Fi Channel gives us all Jessica Alba all day with a Dark Angel marathon. Tune in at 8 A.M. to watch the genetically engineered Alba kick butt in a post-apocalyptic world. After last weeks super dark Eureka, this week's new episode "Show Me The Money," looks like a return to the light comedy fare. This week, the super-genius town of Eureka has to deal with a cursed mummy on the loose. The show airs at 9 PM on the Sci Fi Channel.

Movies:

Watch the making of Darth Vader in Star Wars Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith on the Spike channel at 9 PM.

Wednesday:

Get a glimpse into the future, and meet our future robot slaves (or is that overlords?) on The NextWorld: Android Helpers At Home which airs on the Discovery Channel at 8 PM.

MythBusters lunar landing episode breaks down the rumors that the whole moon landing was just a hoax on the Discovery Channel at 9 PM.

Thursday:

Movies:

Watch the world blow to bits, no thanks John Connor (Nick Stahl) in Terminator 3. The absent-minded professor makes a basketball team fly with the aid of his scientific experiments, in the 1997 version of Flubber on TBS at 9 PM. Watch the Federation fight the Romulan baddies in Star Trek: Nemesis at 10:30 PM on AMC.

Friday:

The Sci Fi Channel is hosting an all-day Star Trek: Enterprise marathon.

Movies:

Help teenage Matthew Broderick outsmart a government computer that's taken control over the United States' weapons and is ready to start World War III, in War Games at 12:30 AM on AMC.

Saturday:

Movies:

Join the fight against mutant injustice with an X-Men double feature on FX. At 6:30 PM watch X-Men, and right after that, watch X2 at 9 PM.

The Sci Fi Channel has a large movie marathon, including Beyond Loch Ness at 1 PM, and Black Swarm at 7 PM. The original monster man, Boris Karloff, does what he does best in monster movies. In House of Frankenstein, Karloff and his hunchback friend continue the work of Dr. Frankenstein, plus there's Dracula as played by John Carradine.

Sunday:
Learn everything you've ever wanted to know about creatures without bones. Big fat scary floppy monster creatures terrorize us, in MonsterQuest: Boneless Horror at 2 AM on the History Channel. Metalocalypse teaches us all how to save a failing economy with one Dethklok record, but it needs to be on time or else we're all doomed, in "Dethrecord" in on Adult Swim at 2 AM.

Movies:

Discover your secret inner superhero with Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson in Unbreakable on the Sci Fi Channel at 9 PM.

The Best Stargate Comic Timing Yet:
Now I'm not saying that I didn't love Richard Dean Anderson as Jack O'Neill, but every now and then his constant Andersonisms (or massive pauses before the punchline) killed me. I wanted to scream: Just get to the joke already. It would throw the flow off and shake things, sometimes for the worst. True, that's part of his charm and I know this is why many people love him, but for me I really prefer the back and forth banter of the Atlantis crew, they've got it down pretty solid.

Sheppard's Hair:
There is a dire lack of hero hair on the boob tube these days. Peter Petrelli from Heroes has a pathetic mane, and it continues to be laughable (even after the recent cut). We need sexy crazy hero hair back. I'm sick of the buzz-cut bad boys, bring back the hair. Sheppard's hair sex appeal far outranks that of any past Stargate crew member, second only to Ronon's wig.

McKay > Teyla = Happiness
This year the are giving the people exactly what they want, more McKay and less Teyla. All the annoying Teyla moments of last year were so tiresome. Thank goodness they are taking some time to re-jigger this character and fill the empty time with more McKay. This week's Atlantis episode is not only McKay-centric, but heralds the return of his cute sister Jeannie. I hope there is a whole McKay goodbye death scene when he gets deathly ill — and then of course Keller brings him back.

New Aliens

I'm terribly excited for all of the pissed-off aliens we've been promised this year. Especially since the reason they're pissed is the Atlantis crew's meddling around the galaxy. Bring on more weirdos and what-nots, Atlantis.

Robert Picardo:
He's an incredibly charming, bald genius. Who else could fill in Samantha Carter's heels so well? He's brilliant, and a fans' actor. I honestly didn't know what he was going to change about the show, but his addition of actual personality instead of Carter's bland good-girl antics really balanced out the team, which Atlantis needed.

So here's the rest of the stuff worth watching on TV this week.

Tonight:

ABC Family is screening a little alien love with E.T, at 7:30 followed by a very special Middleman. This week, Middleman is a bit Noser-centric when our beloved hall rat enters a ventriloquist contest but has to deal with nasty vampire puppets, on at 10 PM.

Also worth checking out: the History Channel's Decoding the Past explores the Mayan Doomsday deadline of 2012 at 8 PM. Sexy subterranean mecha anime Gurren Lagann is on Sci Fi at both 11 and 11:30. Explore the sexy mysteries of the future with private dick Charlie Jade at 3 AM on the Sci Fi Channel.

Tuesday:

A new episodes of Eureka is on at 9 PM on the Sci Fi Channel. This time Carter gets stuck in a time loop on the love of his life's wedding and has to relive it over and over and over.

Wednesday:

Sci Fi Channel is having a Special Unit 2 marathon, so follow your favorite Chicago special ops team as they try and explain the mysterious of the universe. It's like the X-Files, but drunk and with a gargoyle.

Monster Quest, on the History Channel, explores the mystery behind Bigfoot at 9 PM.

And if you liked Eureka's time-loop action, you can relive it in movie form. At 3 AM Sci Fi is also showing 12:01 a time loop TV movie from Fox, starring Jeremy Piven and Martin Landau.

Thursday:

Can't make it though the day without a little scifi? Click to AMC at 3 PM for some post-apocalypse goodness in Escape From New York.

Friday:

Stargate's Atlantis "The Shrine" is on at Sci Fi Channel at 10. Sci Fi's original movie staring Lou Diamond Phillips about an alien-infested train that's trying to consume all the humans aboard, Alien Express is on at 3 AM.

Saturday:

British prehistoric beasties take to the sea in Primeval this week on BBC America at 9 PM.

The Sci Fi Channel is having a marathon of original movies including Larva (at 3AM) and Kaw (at 7 PM), but more importantly Flu Bird Horror is premiering this night. Oh yes, it's about birds that give you the flu that kills.

Bald scifi legend Patrick Stewart's Star Trek: Nemesis, in which he has an inexplicably bald young clone, is on at 8 PM on AMC. The Chronicles of Riddick is on at 1:30 PM and 11:45 PM on TNT.

Sunday:

AMC has a great scifi movie marathon starting with Beneath the Planet of the Apes at 4 AM, then Escape From the Planet of the Apes at 6 AM and ending with the best ever black and white alien invasion, The Day The Earth Stood Still at 8 AM.

Metalocalypse is showing "Snakes N Barrels II (Part 1)" on Adult Swim at 2 AM. Pickles discovers that Snakes 'N' Barrels has reunited without him.

Monday

It's another fantastic episode of The Middleman tonight at 10 PM on ABC Family. We showed you an exclusive clip from this episode the other day, and we're excited to see the whole thing. This is the episode we've all been waiting for — the one where the Middleman takes Wendy's roommate Lacey out on a date. Finally, all that unresolved sexual tension will be resolved! Note that I didn't say "happily resolved." Also, there's a "cursed tuba" from the Titanic. And yes, that does sound a bit goofy.

Tuesday

Eureka is back! Tonight's season opener introduces a new character — Eva Thorne (Frances Fisher), who comes in as a corporate efficiency expert, sent to improve the profitability of Global Dynamics. In the process, we may learn more about why that company is the source of so much of the chaos in the town of Eureka. That's on Sci Fi at 9 PM. And you can prepare for the new Eureka hotness by watching (or TiVoing) a Eureka marathon, all day during the day on Sci Fi. And here's a trailer:

Also at 9 PM on your local PBS station (maybe), there's a Nova episode that appears to be new. It's about the "Car Of The Future," and it's hosted by the Car Talk guys, who are so much more enjoyable when they're not animated. They delve into alternative fuel sources, including biodiesel, hydrogen fuel cells and electricity.

Movies: AMC busts out with three classic (but oft-shown) scifi movies in a row: Escape From New York at 6 PM, TimeCop at 8, and Species at 10. AMC has also been showing the Planet Of The Apes movies a lot, but now it's showing a bunch of them all at once. Today, it's Escape at midnight and Conquest at 2 AM, followed by the 1966 Batman at 3:30 AM. Also, Sci Fi is showing She Creature, starring Rufus Sewell, at 3 AM. Dude! Rufus and the She Creature. How can it fail?

Wednesday

There's a new MonsterQuest on the History Channel, focusing on the "Legend Of The Hairy Beast." I think I ran into that guy at Comic-Con. Here's the deets:

Native American history is full of "Hairy Man" stories and cave art that date back over a thousand years. Did Native Americans know the truth behind the Bigfoot legend? An expedition along the Klamath River into reservation land will use state of the art technology to search for something locals don't doubt is real. With unprecedented access to Native American stories and recent sightings, MonsterQuest examines this creature that is both feared and revered.

Or if you want something a bit more serious, PBS has a new Nova ScienceNOW around the same time:

Explore new discoveries about brain trauma, watch a tribute to the late "cancer warrior" Judah Folkman, follow the Phoenix mission to Mars, and delve into a mystery of truly mammoth proportions.

Maybe it's not quite as rocking as a Eureka marathon, but today Sci Fi is showing episodes of Dark Angel all day.

Movies: The AMC Apes marathon continues with the original Planet at 11:30 AM and Beneath at 2 PM.

Thursday

The horror anthology show Fear Itself returns with "Skin And Bones," directed by Larry Fessenden. There's basically one reason to watch this episode: it stars Doug Jones, from Hellboy and a million other great movies. And here's the skinny:

When a cattle herder returns to his farm after being lost in the woods for days, he just doesn't seem the same. Soon, we realize that he is in fact possessed by a terrifying monster, forcing his family to kill their own husband and father in order to save themselves!

Today and tomorrow, Sci Fi is showing an Outer Limits marathon.

Movies: TCM has They Came From Beyond Space at 2 PM.

Friday

It's the end of Doctor Who season four. Everything has been leading up to this! And I'm not just talking about everything this season, or even just everything on Doctor Who. Everything, from the Big Bang to the Profumo Scandal to the invention of the Segway, has been leading up to this episode. All of your questions — about everything in the universe — will be answered. Note the earlier start time: Because it takes a little more time to answer all of your questions about everything, the episode is 90 minutes long with commercials, and starts at 8:30 on Sci FI. Oh, and here's a clip:

And then at 10 PM, there's a new Stargate Atlantis, also on Sci Fi. It's the "Daedalus Variations," where the team is trapped in an alternate reality they never made. And here's a preview:

And just a reminder that Sci Fi is showing Outer Limits episodes all day today.

Movies: Is The Fog science fiction? It stars Tom Welling, and it's about deadly fog, or foggy dead. Or something. Anyway, it's on the CW at 8 PM. And IFC has Cube at 9 PM.

Saturday

Movies: USA has M. Night Shyamalan's Unbreakable at 3 PM, a reminder of a time when that movie's title could be used to describe Shyamalan's winning streak. Also, did you like Aaron Eckhart in The Dark Knight? Then experience him in the criminally underrated The Core, a fluffy but fun adventure yarn about drilling to the center of the Earth, on FX at 5 PM. That's followed at 8 by the just-plain-criminal Fantastic Four, also on FX. TBS has the bizarrely entertaining Doom at 10:30, followed by the original Predator at 12:30 AM.

Sunday

There's another new Venture Bros. on the Cartoon Network at 11:30, called "The Lepidopteriot." As usual, very little info is available about the episode in advance, except for the intriguing title. And then there's a new Metalocalypse at midnight: "Snakes & Barrels" (part 1 of 2): "Pickles finds out that Snakes 'n' Barrels reunited and are promoting sobriety at their shows."

Also, it looks like the TV Guide Channel is running a documentary about Comic-Con, touring the con's exhibitions and events, at various times during the day today.

Tonight

As usual, The Middleman is your main reason for owning one of those televisual devices. This time around, M.M. and his sidekick/protagonist Wendy Watson deal with a boy band that may actually be from another planet. And the tween girl who's obsessed with them. It's on ABC Family at 10 PM, and here's a trailer:

The History Channel is trying to cash in on your lingering Bat-mania from the weekend of the Bat, showing a new documentary called Batman Tech, all about "Batman's amazing array of gadgets":

Since his debut in DC Comics in 1939, Batman has dazzled readers with an amazing array of bat gadgets. Viewers will go deep inside the Batcave to examine these incredible tools—many of them inspired by amazing real-life military developments. Discover just how close they come to real-life technology.

That's at 9 PM, and it's followed by reruns of Batman Unmasked: The Psychology Of The Dark Knight, and Star Wars Tech. Also you probably have Batman Begins on Blu-ray now, but just in case you don't, FX is showing it from 5 to 8 tonight.

Movies: Encore is showing Contact, featuring Jodie Foster and her creepy space dad, at 12:45 Tuesday morning. And then at three in the morning, Sci Fi is showing Aberration, a TV movie about reptillian predators with a taste for human flesh. Mmm mmm crispy.

Tuesday

The Sci Fi Channel is having a marathon of Level 9 during the day. It's a whole show about that band, the one that sang "There must be something about you, Ooooh baby, so right...." Oh no wait, it's about a secret government agency that investigates spooky stuff. On the Interwebz.

And Gillian Anderson is on the Tonight Show, plugging the new X-Files movie.

Movies: At three A.M. Wednesday morning, TCM is showing The Man From Planet X, about a corrupt scientist who wants to use an extraterrestrial visitor against Earth. That's followed at 4:30 by Riders To The Stars, about scientists who want to snare a meteor to study cosmic rays.

Wednesday

Your TV screen pretty much belongs to PBS on Wednesday night: First there's a new Nova ScienceNow, that anthology series which tackles a bunch of scientific issues in one hour. This time, topics include "the wonderful world of leeches," the search for extraterrestrial intelligent life (SETI), embryonic stem cell research without embryos, and marine bioluminescence deep in the ocean. And here's a video podcast about SETI: And then after that, there are a couple of new episodes of Click & Clack's As The Wrench Turns, one of the most bizarre radio spin-offs in history. It's an animated version of NPR's cult Car Talk show, about mechanics who diagnose car problems over the phone. It's been critically panned, but you know critics are always wrong anyway. And storylines include the guys creating a robotic car-repair machine, which eliminates repetitive labor but also consumes so much energy it causes a blackout in the Northeast. Here's a clip, which honestly doesn't look that promising. But hey, it's the guys from Car Talk!

The Sci Fi Channel is having an Outer Limits marathon all day. But I have a feeling it'll be the 1990s and 2000s Limits, not the classic version.

Movies: Encore is showing the original Mad Max at 2:15. If the fourth Mad Max ever finally gets made, you'll want to have fresh memories of the movie that made Mel Gibson sort of cool.

Thursday

Brandon "Superman" Routh stars in a new episode of horror anthology series Fear Itself on NBC at 11. It's directed by Mary Harron (American Psycho) and written by Kelly Kennemeier. It's called "Community," and here's the synopsis:

When a young, married couple find the perfect house in the perfect neighborhood, their lives seem to be following the "American Dream". The dream slowly turns into a nightmare when they discover their new neighbors would go to any extreme to make sure the happy couple complies with their twisted sense of conformity.

There's a new Burn Notice at 11 PM on USA. Michael tries to stop a con man by posing as the perfect mark in this spy-gadget show, featuring Bruce Campbell and Tricia Helfer.

Get ready for X-Files: I Want To Believe by watching a marathon of X-Files episodes all day on the Sci Fi Channel. And then in the evening, Sci Fi has four episodes of Jeremiah, J. Michael Straczynski's short-lived Showtime series about a post-apocalyptic world where almost everybody has been wiped out by a plague.

Also, David Duchovny is on Letterman Thursday night, possibly plugging an upcoming movie. We want to believe it'll be interesting.

Movies: At 11 PM, Sci Fi has an original movie called Alien Apocalypse. Catchy title, hey? And then stay up until 4:30 Friday morning, and you'll be rewarded by seeing The Brain Eaters, about hairy creatures from the center of the Earth that latch onto people's necks. Yeah! That's on AMC.

Friday

The Sci Fi Channel has its usual unbeatable Friday night lineup. First at 9, there's the penultimate episode of time travel soap comedy Doctor Who's fourth season, "The Stolen Earth." Without giving too much away, the planet Earth has gone somewhere else, and it ties in to the warning the Doctor received at the end of last week's episode. And there are some familiar faces (friendly, unfriendly and in-between) coming back. Here's a clip:
And then at 10 PM, there's a new Stargate Atlantis, "Broken Ties," which centers around Ronon, and leads to the loss of his signature dreadlocks. (Noooo!) Oh yeah, and he goes through a horrific ordeal. Here's a trailer, which shows off some of Ronon's amazing acting skillz:

Also, there's the season finale (and maybe series finale?) of Speed Racer: The Next Generation, the latest in a long line of attempts to update the classic cartoon. In "Honor Code," Speed, Jr. faces expulsion from the race-car driver school, because it appears he's cheated. (On a car test??) It's on NToon at 7 PM. Has anybody actually been watching this show?

Movies: At three A.M. Saturday morning, Sci Fi has Spiders 2, about a mad doctor breeding giant arachnids aboard a ship. Did you miss the original Spiders? Somehow I bet this movie will make just as much sense in either case.

Saturday

It doesn't look like there's a new Ben 10: Alien Force, or any other cartoons, on Saturday.

Movies: At 9 AM, Spike has GoldenEye, one of the most science fictional James Bond movies of all time, about a killer satellite. TBS is showing Men In Black II twice, at 8 PM and 9:45 PM. And all day and all night, the Sci Fi Channel is showing movies with titles like King Cobra and Komodo Vs. Cobra and Snake King and Anaconda 3. It's snake day!

Sunday

There's a new Venture Bros. episode at 11:30 PM, "Now Museum, Now You Don't." As usual, there's not much info available about the episode in advance, but you can tune into the Cartoon Network to find out more.

The Sci Fi Channel is showing a marathon of Eureka all day, to get you ready for the show's third season, debuting Tuesday, July 29. Refresh your memories of the town full of zany science geniuses.

Reasons your future self will be mad at you if you're not watching The Middleman now:

1) The characters have conflict without hating each other or being drama queens. And they're likeable. Really. I know, it's hard to imagine. When trainee superhero Wendy Watson lets her boss, the Middleman, down, he gives her a really sweet talk about how sometimes you have to follow your emotions and it's okay. The characters all insult each other, but you can tell they like each other, which is rarer than it should be. (Except for Ada, the robot secretary, who seems to hate everybody for reals.) The two leads, Natalie Morales and Matt Keeslar, manage to be likable, obnoxious, clever and dumb all at once. It's like watching a master class. Plus they're both as cute as buttons. (Okay, I'm shallow.) Keeslar is like a young Bruce Campbell sometimes, making his ridiculously square milk-drinking character seem the hippest person in the room.

2) It's actually funny. I don't know why this is, but most attempts at doing "funny" science fiction on U.S. television fall flat for me. Like the Sci Fi Channel's Eureka, which always seems a little too cute and full of pizzicato violins signifying "wackiness." But The Middleman is the rare scifi comedy that actually has humor, both through crackling dialog ("A man asked me that question once. I kicked his male reproductive organs into his watch pocket. Now he must check the time whenever he wishes to copulate") and through bizarre situations like Wendy assaulting a robot interrogation practice dummy. It's both witty and silly, without giving itself a sprained eye tendon from winking too much.

3) It's got a nice Men In Black vibe. In last week's episode, we learned that there are alien refugees living on Earth among us, disguising themselves as rich plastic surgery victims to explain their weird features. And our heroes aren't here to mess with the aliens, but to protect them and keep their secret for them. The world isn't just full of monsters and genetically modified gorilla gangsters trying to destroy everything, there are plenty of aliens and weird creatures who are neutral or good. And MM and Wendy, our heroes, are privy to this whole secret world in the process of saving it. It makes you want to know more.

4) Each episode is just crammed with stuff. Each of the show's episodes so far has had an engaging "A" plot, with some fun "B" plots involving Wendy's flighty roommate Lacey or her butthead ex-boyfriend Ben. There's always at least one or two fun twists, like Wendy having to fly down to Mexico to rescue the Middleman and their teacher, Sensei Ping from a ton of Mexican wrestlers who are using a perfect diamond to create an unbreakable force field inside a pyramid. That thing that so many shows do ineptly, where there's a big A plot and a personal B plot, really works here. I care equally about Wendy's work life and personal life and am happy to see them intersect.

5) There are insane gadgets. Like a scientific gadget that detects things beyond the realm of science, a BTRS scanner. And Wendy's ray gun, which sadly has "training wheels." And the big shiny answer ball, the HEYDAR, which plugs directly into Ada the android's head and lets her scan all of the world's information feeds. And the goggles which let Ada see through the Middleman's eyes. Plus teleporters! And the Middlemobile!

6) It's comic-booky, in the right way. Not surprisingly, with comics dominating the movie world, you're also seeing more of a comics influence on television, with shows like Heroes being self-consciously comic-booky. But The Middleman just revels in the best comic-book traditions, like mad science and crazy magic existing side-by-side. (The way you'll have Iron Man hanging out with Doctor Strange in Marvel Comics, for example.) It's not just based on a comic, it's actually a comic book in video form. The non-stop onslaught of superintelligent gorillas, weird aliens, crazy robots and more, reminds me of the best bits of Warren Ellis' Nextwave, Matt Fraction's Casanova and a whole host of great Fred Van Lente comics. That really should be all I need to say: "It's very Van Lente." And that should make you program your TiVo and stay home for it.

Reasons you can give your future self for not watching The Middleman:

Well, it is a bit fluffy sometimes, but it's a comedy, duh. The character of Noser, who apparently lives in the hallway outside Wendy's apartment and recites song lyrics, is a one-joke character who gets less funny every time he shows up. It won't make you debate afterwards as much as Lost or BSG, and it's not quite as clever as Doctor Who at its best. That's all I got.

So The Middleman is on tonight at 10 PM on ABC Family. It's about zombie trout and stuff, and it's going to be awesome. But what else is there to watch this week? Here's what I see:

Tonight at 8: there are two awesome competing movies: the 1990 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie on ABC Family, and White Chicks, the FBI weird prosthetic body transformation film, on FX. Also, neo-noir dimension-hopping show Charlie Jade is on tonight at 3:00 AM on Sci Fi. It's the episode "Dirty Laundry."

Tomorrow night, there's an "HBO First Look" at The Dark Knight at 9:30 on HBO, natch.

Wednesday night at 9, there's a new episode of PBS' science anthology series Nova ScienceNOW, focusing on birdsong and violent space weather. Meanwhile, the History Channel jumps on the Bat-mania bandwagon with Batman Unmasked: The Psychology Of The Dark Knight, also at 9. Here's a clip:

Thursday night, there's a new episode of horror anthology series Fear Itself on NBC at 10. Darren Lynn Bousman's episode, "New Year's Day," focuses on a young woman trying to escape from zombies in a post-apocalyptic landscape. Here's the previous episode, by Stuart Gordon: Also, the Sci Fi Channel is having a marathon of Jake 2.0, which was really like Chuck 1.0, all day Thursday.

Friday night, the Sci Fi Channel once again has its strongest original programming: the Doctor Who episode "Turn Left" at 9, followed by a new Stargate Atlantis, "The Seed." I loved "Turn Left," in which Donna visits an alternate world without a Doctor, almost as much as last week's episode, and you can read my recap here. As for "The Seed," all I really need to tell you is "Jewel Staite-centric episode." Apparently she gets infected by some kind of nasty spore or something. What do you care? It's Jewel Staite, on camera more than usual.

Saturday morning at 10, there's a new Ben 10: Alien Force, "Plumber's Helpers." A pair of alien plumbers kidnap Kevin, thinking he's an alien. That's on the Cartoon Network.

Sunday night at 11:30, the Cartoon Network has a new Venture Bros.: "Tears Of A Sea Cow." Also, ABC Family is showing the quaint old Tim Burton Batman 2:00 PM. To which I say, "Keep bustin'." And FX is showing Batman Begins at 8 PM.

Tonight

Superhero action-comedy The Middleman is having its most scifi episode to date at 10 PM on ABC Family. This would be a hot contender for the best show on TV during the fall season, but in the summer it's simply unmissable. "A group of peaceful aliens with an addiction to plastic surgery are being hunted down by a homicidal entity. Meanwhile, Ben puts his and Wendy's break-up video on the internet: Wendy is not thrilled." Okay, just take a moment and let that sink in: plastic-surgery-addicted aliens, plus Ben being more of a dick than ever. Equals ruleage. If you don't believe me, here's a new featurette to back me up:

Why is The Middleman banished to 10 PM? Why, so ABC Family can show the all-important Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. Which may actually have some scifi content to it, especially since it features a "mad scientist" named Jonathan Jacobo. Did you know Freddie Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar made a Scooby sequel? I didn't. Wikipedia says Seth Green and Ruben Studdard are in it. And apparently, a direct-to-DVD Scooby 3 is in production. Really?

And at 3 AM, Sci Fi has a new Charlie Jade: "And Not A Drop To Drink." Here's what happens:

Charlie's leads draw him further into the series' dark world, Reena undergoes torture, Jasmine wants to remain free, we get a glimpse of Gammaverse politics, and we finally witness 01 Boxer travelling between worlds.

Movies: AMC has the original Escape From New York at 6 PM, so hurry home from work. Spike is still showing the Star Wars movies. The Sci Fi Channel is showing Lawnmower Man 2 at 3:00 Tuesday morning. I've never seen it, but I bet there's trippy VR sex. But no Pierce Brosnan (sob).

Tuesday

The History Channel has a rerun of The Universe, about stars beyond the Milky Way, at 8 PM. Followed by a new Mega Disasters, about a "deadly jet collision," at 10 PM.

Movies: TCM is showing 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea at 9 AM. HBO has the Simpsons Movie at 8 PM. And TMC has Mission: Impossible III at 2:40 Wednesday morning, written and directed by J.J. Abrams. And at 5:00 AM Wednesday, there's Hold On!, a 1966 British comedy about a rock group who are going to have a spaceship named after them.

Wednesday

The Sci Fi Channel is bringing back a long-canceled show called Scare Tactics, which uses Hollywood special effects to frighten and confuse people. Tonight at 9, a medical assistant thinks she's delivering Satan's baby. Yeah. I know.

There's a new Nova ScienceNOW at 9 PM on PBS, tackling various topics including saving the Hubble Space Telescope, the first primates, and whether we're going to run out of effective antibiotics. Here's a clip:

Or you could watch a new MonsterQuest on the History Channel at 9, all about the "Black Beast of Exmoor." Your call.

Movies: HBO has Galaxy Quest at 2:45, and Encore has the original Stargate at 4:05 PM, just in case you want to bone up on all things Gate-y before Friday's Atlantis premiere.

Thursday

HBO has a half-hour special about the new Batman movie The Dark Knight, at 10:30 PM. Also, we're totally not mentioning that spy show Burn Notice is starting its second season on USA at 10 PM. Even though it does have scifi hero Bruce Campbell in it. And Battlestar Galactica's Tricia Helfer. And there are some pretty scifi-ish MacGyver-y gadgets. Anyway, not mentioning it. Moving on.

Movies: FX has Hellboy at 8 PM and 10 PM. And at midnight, USA is showing The Nutty Professor — the Eddie Murphy version. Isn't that so much better than sleeping? Also, it's not really scifi, but I have to mention Witches of Breastwick 2, another midnight movie, just for the title. Apparently it's about "seductive women." Speaking of seductive, Jeff Goldblum is on fire in The Fly, on Cinemax at three in the morning, and that's followed by Children Of Men at 5:10 AM.

Friday

At 9 PM, the Sci Fi Channel has the best Doctor Who episode of 2008, "Midnight." Without giving away spoilers, it's an episode that looks like it was made for about 50 pence, and it substitutes freakish drama for special effects. I was blown away, as you can see from the link above. Here's the first few minutes:

And then at 10, Stargate Atlantis returns, picking up where it left off last season. Can they rescue Teyla's baby? Also, Robert Picardo from Star Trek: Voyager joins the cast as a regular and immediately starts making everybody's life difficult. We reviewed the first episode a while back, and you can read our write-up here.

Movies: The Disney Channel is showing the live-action Thunderbirds movie, starring America's favorite polygamist Bill Paxton, at 8 PM. And at the same time, the Cartoon Network has Ben 10: Secret Of The Omnitrix.

Saturday

The Cartoon Network has a new Ben 10: Alien Force at 10: the Forever Knights find themselves unable to capture an escaped dragon, so Ben tries to help. Only to feel conflicted when he hears both sides of the story.

Movies: The CW has X-Men at 1 PM. And USA has Jurassic Park at 8.

Sunday

At 11:30 PM, there's a new Venture Bros.: "The Ant Farm, or What Goes Down Must Come Up." And that's about all I can find out about it. It's followed by a new Metalocalpyse at midnight: "Dethdad." Toki hears that his dad is dying, so he journeys to Norway, and the rest of the band comes along to get "album inspiration" and put off actually working on their album.

Tonight

As usual, the week's TV highlight is a new episode of superhero show The Middleman, at its new time of 10 PM on ABC Family. This time around, the Middleman's sidekick Wendy is supposed to learn fighting from Sensei Ping, but he's kidnapped by a band of Mexican Wrestlers — who also get their hands on the Middleman himself. If you like fun, then I highly recommend The Middleman — I had high hopes for the series, but it's actually surpassed them, mostly thanks to Natalie Morales' engaging performance and the incredibly high-density clever scripts. But don't take my word for it, here's what Henry Jenkins has to say. He's a professor, after all:

The scripts for the series, not to mention the comics, are full of one laugh out loud one-liner after another, most of them playing on precise and pithy references to popular culture: I haven't seen a script this dense with injokes since early Joss Whedon... The performances consistently live up to the quality of the script: everyone gets a few memorable lines and moments in the spotlight in the opening episode and I can't wait to see where the characters go from here.

And here's a trailer for the new episode:

Also tonight, Spike is showing Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones. The six Star Wars films are appearing almost every night on Spike this week, so if you missed their earlier showings, you can stop panicking and start watching the rise and fall of Anakin.

And at 3 AM (!!) the Sci Fi Channel is showing a new (to Americans) episode of dimension-shifting noir show Charlie Jade. Charlie Jade thinks that 01 Boxer, the dimension-jumping psycho, killed Elliott Krogg, who's become the scapegoat for a bombing that killed a lot of people. Meanwhile, back in Charlie's dystopian home dimension, Jasmin is grappling with the fact that a woman of her social rank is not supposed to be self-sufficient, and she has to decide whether to use sexual favors to survive.

At almost the same time Tuesday morning (3:15), Cinemax is showing My Super Ex-Girlfriend, to get you in the mood for Hancock. Marvel at Hollywood's cluelessness, and maybe get a few chuckles out of an airborne Uma Thurman.

Tuesday

The ever-reliable History Channel is serving up yet another dose of paranoia and mega-science, with a new episode of Mega Disasters at 10 PM. It's about "airborne attack," and it may make you want to wear a breathing mask if you live in the city. Here's the description:

Anthrax is the most feared of all the biological weapons—spores entering the body through the lungs are lethal. In 2001, a simple letter, sent through the US mail, paralyzed a nation, when anthrax spores were found inside. Experts predict that anthrax released over a populated area would result in unprecedented loss of life—a few pounds of anthrax released under the right conditions could kill hundreds of thousands of people. Will anthrax be used to create a worldwide disaster?

There's also a rerun of The Universe, focusing on the moon, at 8 PM.

AMC is showing the Don Knotts space comedy, The Reluctant Astronaut, at 3:45. Here's a giant chunk of that movie:

Wednesday

Tonight it's the battle of the science programs! Two different shows are airing at 9 PM — will you watch the respectable, highbrow science of Nova ScienceNow on PBS? Or a new MonsterQuest on History, focusing on "Super Rats"? Well, let's see... Nova ScienceNow includes segments on personal DNA testing, pulling excess carbon out of the atmosphere, which are sort of hot-button topics right now. On the other hand, MonsterQuest has evidence that rats used to be huge — and these massive, cat-sized rats are making a comeback. And they have an appetite for anything... even human flesh!!

Hmmm... serious science. Or cat-sized people-eating rats. What will it be? Does this sample of Nova ScienceNow help?

Another scheduling smackdown: FX is showing I, Robot (the Will Smith movie) at 5:30, and TMC has Starman, the movie about a widow and an alien on the run, at 6:30. Somehow, I'm not guessing that's much of a dilemma, for anyone who gets TMC.

Thursday

Tonight at 10 PM, there's a new episode of horror anthology series Fear Itself: "Eater," directed by Stuart Gordon. (Director of everything from Robot Jox to Reanimator.) In "Eater," a rookie cop has to watch over a serial killer called the "Eater," but her fellow cops start acting weird and she realizes nobody is whom they seem. (This website says "Eater" already appeared June 5, but the TV listings and IMDB both say it's a new episode as of this Thursday.)

The Sci Fi Channel is showing episodes of the classic Twilight Zone all day today and tomorrow. I wonder if they'll show that one with the twist ending? And the aliens?

We've talked a lot about how much we love C.S.A.: Confederate States of America, the alternate history movie about a world where the South won the Civil War. It's a wicked satire, but also a sharp-edged mirror on our real world, because it shows how different its alternate world isn't in many ways. And now you can check it out for yourself, on IFC at 7:45.

After showing the first two Planet Of The Apes movies a bunch lately, AMC is finally showing a different one, Escape From The Planet Of The Apes. Unfortunately, it's at 5 AM. Get up early and psych yourself up for work with some ape-action.

At 12:10 Friday morning, Encore has 12 Monkeys, Terry Gilliam's weird time-traveling plague movie starring Brad Pitt and Bruce Willis. I'm probably the only person who didn't like this movie — I found it a little too precious, and felt like it was an inferior remake of Gilliam's Brazil. But maybe I'll take this chance to watch it again and see if I was too harsh. And your chance to watch it again and remind yourselves how wrong I am.

And then at 12:30 AM Friday, Cinemax has Alien Sex Files: Aliens Gone Wild. Here's the plot description: "Lusty extraterrestrials explore human sexuality." It doesn't actually mention anal probes at all. Also, the HBO page says the movie features "gorgeous, sex-starved aliens" who cause an "explosion of erotic activity."

And at 3 AM, TCM is showing the 1941 version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. See where the Hulk came from, and brace yourself for some classic 1940s science horror. Or you could just hold out for an hour and watch Mortal Kombat on TNT at 4 AM.

Friday

Tonight at 7 PM, ION Television has Gadgetman, starring Marina Sirtis from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Admit it, you wondered what she'd been up to apart from the Trek movies and occasional Voyager cameos. And just look at this great synopsis: "When a gadget-inventing professor is kidnapped for his latest invention, a wallet computer, his son enlists the help of a detective who is not all she appears to be." Marina probably shows whole new facets of her personality here. Or you could just watch The Fantastic Four and Spider-Man 2, back to back on FX.

Also, the Sci Fi Channel has more Twilight Zone all day today, plus all evening until midnight. Clear lots and lots of space on that TiVo, and then cancel those weekend plans.

Continuing its excursion into the later Apes movies, AMC is showing Battle For The Planet Of The Apes, at 9 AM.

Saturday

At 10:30 AM on Cartoon Network, there's a new Transformers: Animated, the first half of a two-parter called "A Bridge Too Close."

In his plan to take over Cybertron, Megatron captures Bulkhead. The Autobots plan a rescue party and discover that the Blue Racecar is actually an Autobot called Blurr.

And here's a chunk of the episode, complete with a funny Decepticon initiation ceremony:

Also, Encore has the underrated RoboCop 2 at 10:50, followed by Stargate, the movie that launched a huge TV franchise, at 1 PM and 10 PM. And Sci Fi is showing Resident Evil at 5 and Resident Evil: Apocalypse at 7.

Sunday

We'll never get Robert Rodriguez's version of Barbarella, but at least you can watch his movie The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lava Girl today at noon on the Disney Channel, and you can try and picture Rose McGowan in silver lame kinky boots in the middle of all that. Rodriguez collaborated with his kids to create this superhero fantasy, which is supposed to be one of the worst movies ever, but I've never seen it. Maybe it's only really in the bottom 20 percent.

There's another new Venture Bros. tonight at 11:30, called "What Goes Down, Must Come Up," but no other info is available. And then at midnight there's a new Metalocalypse, called "Dethsources." Those are both part of Cartoon Network's Adult Swim lineup.