Actually, Spermula is a weird mixture of extreme campiness and artsy beauty. There's a random subplot involving a troupe of circus performers, who include a little person as well as a contortionist whose only trick is that he can pleasure himself. But then you get this weirdly gorgeous sequence where the Spermulites use telepathy to ensnare a priest:

And then there's this weird sequence where they turn a human woman into one of them, by "dehumanizing" her and converting her into a sperm-draining creature:

All of the Spermulites are supposed to be turned into beautiful women, but one of them is turned into Udo Kier by mistake. And he has an incredibly tiny penis, which everybody refers to constantly. (Seriously, every scene he's in, they bring it up.) Here he is, pleading with the leader of the Spermulites to give him a bigger penis. I love the part where he insists that he was made for physical pleasure:

Poor Michael Biehn. He was in line to play Peter Parker in James Cameron's abandoned Spider-Man movie, and now look at him. In Omega Code 2: Megiddo, he plays the U.S. vice president and brother of Stone Alexander, the most powerful man in the world, who becomes the ruler of almost all the world. After Stone injects Satan juice into the real president, his brother becomes president, but he still won't go along with Stone's plan for world government. It's up to Kyle Reese to kick the ass of his Satanic brother (played by a scenery-chewing Michael York) and his demonic second in command (played by... wait for it... Udo Kier. Who else?)

Sexy!

We already appreciated the immense sassiness of Udo last week, with a clip from Uwe Boll's Far Cry. And that inspired me to dig up this supremely sassy Udo webcam show.

It comes from the TV movie Ice, which aired on the Syfy Channel a couple years ago and remains my favorite Syfy Original Movie. As its name suggests, Ice is about a new age, which turns L.A. into a replica of the North Pole... and soon, only the equatorial regions of the globe will even be habitable. Nobody listens to Kier's sexy, sexy webcam warnings, until it's too late, of course.

The main character of Ice is actually a cop, who has to get his ex-wife and son out of L.A., but first he has to contend with his wife's dickish new husband, who's a stuck up architect. Here he is taking a swim in his outdoor pol, even though it's a billion degrees below outside:

Can you tell I loved this film? It was so awesomely cheesy, even besides the Kier-cam action. And here's one final clip. The cop springs a convict out of jail, rather than just letting him freeze to death there. And they stop by the convict's neighborhood, which has been totally buried in snow. Check out the telephone poles and rooftops sticking out:

This clip, of course, comes from Boll's Far Cry, which is a far cry from a good movie, but does provide a certain bombastic thrill. It's loosely based on a video game, but mostly based on some mushrooms Boll ate once. Right after the clip cuts off (sorry, it was getting too long), the military guy tells Udo Kier, "Why don't you shove your civilian orders up your civilian ass?"

What's the plot of Far Cry? Well... Let's just let the trailer speak for itself:

I picture someone saying "You're making brainless monsters!!" to Uwe Boll. Right after they watched this film. [IMDB]