I love the fact that Slater puts so much energy into telling mad-science guy not to open that evil door that must never be opened, but then once it's opened, he's like "Ehh. Might as well go in."

Alone In The Dark does have several things to recommend it, including Slater acting even more pissy than usual, and Tara Reid phoning in a fine performance. (Although according to Wikipedia, Boll put out a DVD with all of Reid's scenes removed.) It has one of the greatest nonsensical opening voiceovers of all time. And there are about 500 scenes of people fighting CG monsters, mostly in such total darkness that you can't actually tell what's going on.

But then there's this great scene, where a random good guy gets throat-raped and taken over by an alien mind-control parasite that bonds with your spine, but somehow goes down your throat anyway. And then Slater and Reid take one of their occasional stabs at explaining the plot, not very well:

This clip, of course, comes from Boll's Far Cry, which is a far cry from a good movie, but does provide a certain bombastic thrill. It's loosely based on a video game, but mostly based on some mushrooms Boll ate once. Right after the clip cuts off (sorry, it was getting too long), the military guy tells Udo Kier, "Why don't you shove your civilian orders up your civilian ass?"

What's the plot of Far Cry? Well... Let's just let the trailer speak for itself:

I picture someone saying "You're making brainless monsters!!" to Uwe Boll. Right after they watched this film. [IMDB]

After meeting Bai Ling the other day, I was inspired to track down the DVD of The Gene Generation, which came out a few months ago. (Our intrepid columnist, Lisa Katayama, reviewed it last year.) The rest of the movie isn't quite as fantastic as this opening sequence, which sets up the whole DNA-rewriting, crazy tentacle-face premise. (The "cheap science fiction movie voiceover opening sequence" is an art form in itself. How many movies have them? I feel like it's become a standard feature.)

After this, the movie sort of descends into a bit of a tawdry melodrama in which Bai tries to save her degenerate gambler brother from the gangsters he owes money to. And then the brother, by coincidence, steals the prototype DNA transcoder, and wackiness ensues. On the plus side, there are golden showers and cool CG vistas, including flying sampans with giant video screens on them. It's very Blade Runner-ish, except if reinterpreted by Uwe Boll.

The problem, according to the April 30th filing, is that Zane has been withholding profits from Boll's 2005 movie Bloodrayne via his relationship with distribution company Romar Entertainment. It was at Zane's recommendation that Boll released the movie - which only grossed $4,000,000 worldwide after costing $25,000,000 to make - through Romar, and according to Boll, Zane pocketed $900,000 for the suggestion. Boll also claims that an initial promise of the movie appearing in 2000 US theaters proved to be false, as the movie only bowed on 950 unfortunate screens nationwide.

Boll is suing for "at least" $700,000 in missing revenue for the movie. In response, Zane is said to be considering a countersuit for his reputation back after appearing in the movie.

Okay, maybe not that last part.

Uwe Boll sues Billy Zane [Hollywood Reporter]

In an email reprinted over at Bloody Disgusting, Boll lays down the challenge in his own particular manner:

On the Indiana Jones weekend - May 23 - we will go out and destroy Indiana Jones in the Box Office! We all know that Harrison Ford is older as my grandpa and his time is up - would Michael Moore say!

Spielberg gets sloppy. We saw that with War of the Worlds (why the fuck the older brother survived?) and also in parts of Jaws, E.T., Munich etc.! My performance in Postal as 'Nazi Theme Park Owner' outperforms easily Ben Kingsley in Schindler's List!

Uwe Boll Sets 'Postal' to Release Against Indiana Jones [Bloody Disgusting]