Each year, Jackson Publick, Doc Hammer, and the rest of the folks behind The Venture Bros. cover a holiday song in the voices of their animated alter egos. The Monarch, Dr. Girlfriend (now Mrs. Dr. The Monarch), and their henchmen are especially festive during the holiday season.

In 2006, supervillain and superscientist supergroup "Venture Aid" covered Band Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmastime?"

In 2007, the Monarchs took on The Pogues' "Fairytale of New York."

And last year, in a tragic move, Henchman 21 prerecorded himself and Henchman 24 singing "Wonderful Christmastime." Sadly, Henchman 24 didn't survive to see Christmas that year.

Check out Quick Stop Entertainment for other Venture Christmas carols, including a cover of David Bowie and Bing Crosby's "Peace On Earth"/"Little Drummer Boy" medley, the Monarch and his loyal henchmen taking on Dolly Parton's "Hard Christmas Candy," and this year's Christmas song — The Monarch covering "The Chipmunk Song" with the help of Henchman 21 and the Moppets.

Holiday Havoc: The Venture Bros. [Quick Stop Entertainment via Metafilter]

Monday:

House</em -
On FOX at 8 PM Foreman's preparing to explain the death of a dictator to the review board, while King Midas incarnate is realizing just how cursed he is when his son falls under House's care ... or, Foreman's care, as the team remains his for now.

Heroes -
Lydia's alarmed on NBC at 8 PM, when Samuel tries to extend his brood. Peter makes a connection with a reluctant Emma over some swooshy lights, and Sylar tries to remember who he used to be. Also, Gretchen reveals her hidden agenda to Claire, and we get the lesbian kiss many people have been watching this season for. But then what will we watch it for after that?

Big Bang Theory -
Immigration is coming for Raj unless he gets a new job, so Sheldon hires him. When did Sheldon start a business? Also, Howard really doesn't get the concept of third wheel with Leonard and Penny on CBS at 8:30 PM.

Movies:

Global warming attacks the planet and Dennis Quaid must save ... as many as he can in The Day After Tomorrow on FX at 5:30 PM. Psyche yourself up for 2012 with a reminder of Emmerich's appetite for destruction.

Tuesday:

Ghost Lab -
The brothers examine the evidence of ghosts in Arizona, including a full body photograph of an apparition, on Discovery Channel at 10 PM.

STARZ: INSIDE ZOMBIEMANIA -
Move over vamps — zombies have risen to take over. Richard Roeper hosts a look at Zombies through the film lens of history on Starz at 10 PM. The piece takes look at zombies and their starring roles in films being with 1932's White Zombie and up to 28 Days Later. Writer/director/zombie aficionado George A. Romero and the author of Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z, Max Brooks, are featured along with others influential in the zombie movement.

Movies:

After zombies on Starz, at 11 PM watch a plague infect residents in Quarantine.

Wednesday:

Ghost Hunters -
TAPS heads north of the border on Syfy at 9 PM to investigate Canada's Fort Henry, the nation's most haunted locale.

Destination Truth -
The team enjoys a Turkish dance troupe on Syfy at 10 PM.

Eastwick -
Joanna's ex-fiance (wait, what?!) surprises her before her date with Will tonight on ABC at 10 PM. Meanwhile, Roxie starts investigating her killer roommate, and Kat turns to a divorce attorney — finally.

Movies:

Joshua Jackson is a photographer who's haunted by mysterious images of a woman who supposedly died in a car crash in Tokyo, in Shutter, on HBO at 5:30 PM.

Thursday:

FlashForward -
Remember Bryce? The suicidal doctor? On ABC at 8 PM, he thinks a flash is the key to a patient's recovery but Olivia's skeptical (and with her trouble with flashes, who wouldn't be?). Demetri and Mark's flashes are dividing them and Nicole (the creepy kid's babysitter) shares her flash: murder. Wait, wasn't she trying to atone for the future previously?

Vampire Diaries -
Stefan's on a truth kick and reveals to Elena his family's history, and how his rivalry with Damon got started. Damon, meanwhile is trying to take control of Vicki's life, causing, well, some problems obviously. And the sheriff and mayor try to keep every safe-ish on CW at 8 PM.

Supernatural -
The boys are traveling again, this time to see an 11-year-old boy whose beliefs all come true. Too bad his conjurings also include the monsters of lore. Cas thinks this child's a threat and wants him... taken out, on CW at 9 PM.

Fringe -
On FOX at 9 PM the team started decoding dreams when people are being turned into monsters via what sounds like a backdoor in their brains. And Broyles meets with Nina Sharp — whoa, is more lip-locking action in store?

Movies:

On Cinemax at 5:45 PM is the Edward Norton-version of Incredible Hulk, featuring two spectacular cameos by Lou Ferrigno.

Friday:

Batman: The Brave and the Bold -
The Dark Knight returns to Cartoon Network at 7:30 PM, to fight the metal man Shrapnel, with OMAC by his side.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars -
On Cartoon Network at 8 PM, Padmé is investigating a Separatist conspiracy, when the Jedi Council asks for her help.

Ghost Whisperer -
Melinda heads to the morgue when she's haunted by the ghost of a surgeon who's stuck reliving a failed operation on CBS at 8 PM.

Smallville -
The Blur is becoming an outlaw, and who knows how he'll react when Jor-El gives him the power to hear people's thoughts. Elsewhere, the Toyman is crashing a Queen Industries party to get to Oliver and force him to admit he killed Lex on CW at 8 PM.

Stargate Universe -
On Syfy at 9 PM, the ship's power reserves dip to a critical level, and the crew is ordered to use the power for essential services only — but we've seen how well they obey orders already. Plus, Rush announces they won't survive past a few days, so that should help with the whole "morale" thing.

Sanctuary -
The Cabal attacks sanctuaries around the world, using Ashley in support of their cause. Tesla an Henry try to defuse the the onslaught, without killing Ashley of course, on Syfy at 10 PM.

Movies:

Gene Hackman stars as a man fending off death in the ocean in The Poseidon Adventure on FMC at 6 PM.

Saturday:

In lieu of their usual Saturday night movie, Syfy is doing a Saw mini-marathon. The puzzle begins at 4:30 PM and covers the first three movies.

Sunday:

Super Hero Squad Show -
A bratty little kid gets control of the world with the help of a sparkly magic tiara. Time for the squad to think like kids if they want to save the world, on the Cartoon Network at 7 PM

Venture Brothers -
The Bros. are back, and Captain Sunshine is joining them. Plus, is Brock seriously gone for good?!? Find out on Cartoon Network at 11:30 PM.

Movies:

Wolvesbayne is a new movie about a werewolf hero who takes on a vampire cult, on Syfy at 9 PM.

Here's the trailer for the new season again, this year looks packed with lunacy and clone free! First person to start the real life orchard street wolf pack larp crew, and sends pictures will get all of my love.

That's right — it's just like wife swappers, except it's writer swappers! So put the keys to the writers' room in a bowl, and let's get swinging...

Lost and Supernatural

In some ways these shows are opposites, even though they have so much in common — they both have long, pull-your-hair-out plots and complex characters who stray to the dark side regularly.

But Supernatural keeps it lean and mean — you pretty much just have the Winchester brothers, and one to four supporting castmembers at any given time. And Supernatural's big mysteries are relatively few, and relatively straightforward: What did the yellow-eyed demon want with baby Sam? What does Ruby want with grown-up Sam? Why did the angels pull Dean out of Hell? And we get answers to those questions on a regular basis. What's complex on Supernatural is the tangled theology of the Angel/Demon war. And few relationships on television are as barbed and complex as the troubled love between the two brothers.

Lost, meanwhile, thrives on complexity — there are easily two dozen characters you're supposed to be keeping track of at any given moment, and oftentimes, they all seem to be equally important. The show's creators have already told viewers not to expect answers to all the show's mysteries — You have to piece things together on your own, or just accept that some things are not knowable. Meanwhile, the show gives us characters whose family relationships are mostly dismal (except Hurley's, oddly) and whose relationships with each other are frequently defined somewhat straightforwardly by rivalry, love triangles, or unrequited love.

So we'd love to see the writers change places for a bit — the Supernatural writers could bring a bit of immediacy to Lost's slow-boiling storylines, and also show us a bit more of how all these people stuck on an island together have become each other's family, and have grown to love each other even as they piss each other off.

And the Lost writers could give us a world of spirits and monsters that's foggier, and weirder, than Supernatural has ever quite given us. Imagine Supernatural with more weird clues, and more of a sense that there's a massive chess game going on in which the Winchester brothers are just pawns. It could be quite a ride.

Dollhouse and Torchwood

These two shows both unkinked our brains, in different ways, last month. We finally got to see Dollhouse's unaired season finale, in which some brilliant new adaptations to the Dollhouse's business model end up destroying civilizaton itself. And Torchwood served up the shocking, twisted "Children Of Earth" miniseries, in which we find out just how valuable our children really are — and just how dark Captain Jack is prepared to get.

These shows both operate in murky waters, with heroes who have huge dark sides and make difficult (and frequently wrong) choices. They're the dark side of escapism, showing how becoming part of a secret world of amazing tech and cool fantasies can be dreadful as well as wonderful. But Dollhouse is a good deal nastier than Torchwood, giving us a for-profit venture that is bent on making people's dreams come true — but only at the expense of its "employees"' personhood. Torchwood, meanwhile, is about people who actually do try to save the world — but often as not, they make things worse.

So what would happen if Russell T. Davies and his gang started writing Dollhouse, and Joss and friends moved to Cardiff?

Well, for starters, Dollhouse would get a lot sexier. The relationship between Boyd and Whiskey/Claire Saunders would probably heat up quite a bit. (And the already-homoerotic tension between ex-cop Boyd Langton and ex-FBI agent Paul Ballard would become way more intense.) But more than that, the assignments would get a lot freakier — Just imagine what sort of missions Russell T. Davies' gnarled, twisted brain would come up with for the mindwiped "dolls" who can be anyone or anything. And if you think the Dollhouse is morally grey and disturbing now, wait until RTD wrote a few scripts. And what could RTD would do with Adelle DeWitt, the sly, wicked, frosty madam of the Dollhouse's empty-headed bordello?

As for Torchwood — sure, "Children Of Earth" was one of the best pieces of television we've seen in recent years. But just imagine Torchwood done in the style of Angel or Buffy, with more weird humor, more out-and-out struggle against the forces of evil, and more identity crisis for our heroes. Torchwood could use some more memorable villains, like the Mayor of Sunnydale or Glory. And Captain Jack needs to have a few episodes of spouting Whedonesque dialogue as he sluts around Cardiff and hits on every adult sentient being he meets. And even though Torchwood took a major leap into darkness this last time around, the show could always go darker and dirtier — especially now that the Hub and the team have both been wrecked. We can just see the story of Torchwood crawling out of the ashes and trying to figure out their role now, as told by Joss Whedon and co.? Where do they go from here?

House and Fringe

Two shows about unconventional teams who deal with weird science stuff — even as the most brilliant, curmudgeonly member of the team skirts the edge of insanity. Can't you just imagine J.J. Abrams and the rest of the Fringe team getting their claws into House's drug-addled, dysfunctional life, while the House gang goes full-throttle on Walter and the Fringe Division?

Of course, House has been on the air longer and has had more time to delve into the neuroses and relationships of its main characters. But also, one major difference between the shows is that House has romance and sexual intrigue — there's Foreteen, of course, plus the ongoing will-they, won't-they with House and Cuddy.

What the Fringe writers could bring to House: more weird science, and less weird psychology — in the most recent season, we've spent more more time figuring out the mysteries of House's mind than we have tackling medical mysteries, like weird parasites or insect-bites in unlikely spots that cause mysterious paralysis. Sure, House has been on for longer and we've been delving into the character more deeply, but the Fringe writers could pump up the show's weirdness levels satisfyingly.

Meanwhile, Fringe could use the opposite — we could use a lot more speculation about the psychology of its characters. Sure, we get hints about the weird experiments that characters like Olivia underwent as kids. But that's not psychology, it's plot development. Fringe could stand to delve a bit more into what makes its characters tick.

And think about it — this is the right time for the two shows to swap writing staffs, too — House is going into a mental institution (where we first met Walter Bishop) and Walter is going to become a lot more independent and autonomous, letting him become more like House.

True Blood and Heroes

What would happen if these two soap operas traded off writing staffs? Bringing Alan Ball and his gang to the perennially conflicted mutants might do them the world of good — and maybe Heroes' writers would get their groove back if they got to write for Lafayette, Eric and the rest.

It's weird to think that both Heroes and True Blood are soap operas, but they kind of are — the main difference is, True Blood is a lot stickier (both in the sense that people obsess a lot more about True Blood's characters, and in the sense that there are weird fluids everywhere), while Heroes often has much higher stakes and more of a comic-book, action-adventure feel.

So it's easy to think of ways that the True Blood team could revitalize Heroes. As Lauren points out, "Sylar would actually eat brains." The weird murder-flirtation between Sylar and Claire would get a lot deeper, and all of the show's relationships would suddenly be much more gothic and byzantine.

The dark, secret world of the Company, with its endless family drama going back decades, would gain a whole new layer of murkiness and detail, much like all the stuff we're learning about vampire society on True Blood. We'd get a lot more fun, quirky world-building moments on Heroes. And can you picture Alan Ball writing HRG, the tormented-but-suave-but-dorky family man? He would suddenly have a lot more layers. And he'd be naked.

But the much-maligned Heroes team could also bring some fun to True Blood. One of the things Heroes does really well is come up with out-of-left-field superpowers and then imagine how they would really work, and how they'd affect your life, in reality. If the Heroes writers ran True Blood, Jason would probably get powers similar to Sookies — except, of course, he would see the future. You might see a bit more of how the strange mixture of powers in Bon Temps actually messes with people's lives. Plus maybe the Heroes writers could cut loose and write the kind of beyond-dysfunctional, messed-up characters that they don't get to create that often. And it would be fascinating to see Heroes deal with the added theme of religion that crops up a lot in True Blood.

Breaking Bad and Eureka

These are both shows about science, and about the quirky people who make a living off science. In AMC's critically acclaimed Breaking Bad, we follow Walter White, a high school chemistry teacher who's got a pregnant wife and a son with cerebral palsy, and then he finds out he's got terminal lung cancer. His insurance won't pay for the treatments, so he decides to start making and selling methamphetamine to secure his family's future. Meanwhile, in Eureka, there's a whole town full of science geniuses who create oddball projects for fun and profit, with often disastrous (but never horrifying) results.

So they're both about people using science to get ahead, but Breaking Bad is about the dark, nasty side of science, while Eureka is happy and easy-going. Everybody's rich, or at least comfortable, in Eureka, while Walter White is barely getting by and needs to resort to drug-dealing to save his family from ruin. (Walter's drug-dealer name is "Heisenberg," and he uses mercury fulminate, an explosive, as a weapon. He also uses his chemistry-teacher knowledge to quadruple his meth production.)

So what would the writers of Eureka bring to Breaking Bad? Probably a lot more science shout-outs. In addition to using Heisenberg as his drug-dealer name, Walt would probably start finding himself experiencing things that are right out of classic science fiction movies. And the science would get a lot odder, with Walt possibly coming up with wild new additives to lace his meth with — meth that makes you start aging backwards? Maybe Walt would come up with some zanier ways of dealing with the drug lords he runs up against, like catching them in zero-gravity fields or something?

As for Eureka, the Breaking Bad writers might delve a little bit more into the underside of the little town of geniuses. Exactly how does their relationship with the Defense Dept. work? And what happens when some of their more potent inventions really do fall into drastically wrong hands?

Star Wars: The Clone Wars and Venture Bros.

These are two of the most vivid and fascinating animated shows on TV right now — so what would happen if you turned the Lucasfilm writers loose on the Venture Bros., and let the Venture staff have a crack at the Clone Wars?

The main difference between these shows, says Graeme, is that the Venture Bros. writers are deeply bitter whereas the Clone Wars' writers are, at their heart, very sincere.

So maybe if the Venture Bros. writers got to take a turn writing the Clone Wars, you'd immediately have more weird pop-culture humor. But you'd also get more investigation into the bitterness that's just under the surface of the Star Wars universe — the fact that Anakin is a jerk who's destined to become the scourge of the galaxy. Plus the fact that the clone army is made up of helpless slaves. All of the characters in Clone Wars would become a lot more neurotic, and the clones would become like the Venture Bros.' henchmen. Inevitably, the show would start pointing to more of the darkness in its premise, but also poking fun at it — and it might become like a better written version of Robot Chicken Star Wars along the way. Plus, it would be fantastic to see what the Venture Bros. scribes would do with Anakin.

Meanwhile, if the Clone Wars staff came over to Venture Bros., that show would become much more of a straightforward action-adventure show — it might become a bit like Johnny Quest, even. But we'd also suddenly see a lot more weird politics, and the show would start showing us different factions scheming and intriguing against each other. There might be less resolution in each episode — which is saying something, considering how little resolution Venture Bros. already gives us. And a revamped Venture Bros. would start giving us morals at the end of each episode, like "Remember, Brock, Sometimes violence ISN'T the answer."

Additional reporting by Graeme McMillan, Lauren Davis, Meredith Woerner and Annalee Newitz.

Mondays:

Heroes

The conflicted heroes and struggling villains move on with their lives this season. Clarie goes to college, Parkman gets another chance at love, Sylar gets into politics — sort of — and maybe, just maybe we give it one more chance to be a good show again.

It's Back: Sept. 21 on NBC at 8 PM.

Heroes Promo:

Tuesdays:

V
Aliens have landed on Earth, but it's okay: They're gorgeous and welcoming, and they only want to help us. This will only lead to tears. The reimagined V series starts all over, with a new crop of visitors, lead by the gorgeous Morena Baccarin. How will the world deal with their new guests, and are the alien visitors friendly? (Are they ever?)

Premiere Date: Nov. 3rd on ABC at 8 PM.

V Promo:

Wednesdays:

MythBusters

Your favorite fact-finders are back... and getting a little wet? I'm hoping this clip from the new season shows them testing out the "who would win in a fight, human or dolphin?" myth.

It's Back: Oct. 7th on Discovery at 9 PM

Destination Truth

Josh Gates takes us across the globe again looking to explain the world's mysteries, like living dinos and merpeople. But really the best part of this program really is watching Josh work with the indigenous population of whatever country he finds himself in, who almost always get the better of our guide, I mean wouldn't you mess with the guy on a hunt for a living dinosaur?

It's Back: Sept. 9 on Syfy at 10 PM.

Clip:

Eastwick

The ladies of the tiny town of Eastwick are sex-starved and mousey — so they need to harness their inner sexiness, so they can use their sexitude to sex up their lives, with Satan. Sex sells, people! Based loosely on the John Updike novel, this new series shows what happens when a charming devil shows up in town, to unleash the witchcraft in three lucky ladies. Lindsay Price, Jaime Ray Newman and Rebecca Romijn play the witches, and Paul Gross will play Darryl, the devil with the magical penis.

Premiere Date: Sept. 23 on ABC at 10 PM

Eastwick Promo:

Eastwick Promo:

Eastwick Promo: "We're Horny Ladies"

Thursdays:

FlashForward

Possibly the most highly anticipated new series of the fall, FlashForward picks up after everyone in the world blacks out for two minutes and 17 seconds. During the black-out everyone catches a glimpse into their future, about six months ahead. Now the rest of the world has to deal with what they saw, be it the fact that they are married to another person, in the middle of an addiction relapse... or just ominous nothingness.

Premiere Date: Sept. 24 on ABC at 8 PM.

FlashForward Promo:

FlashForward Mad World:

FlashForward Behind The Scenes:

Vampire Diaries

Vampires in High School? Why, that's crazy talk. Who would watch a show about 28-year-old actors playing vampires who enroll back into High School to win the attention of a young girl? Me, that's who — bring on the brooding and bite marks. Vampire Diaries looks like it was made out of hair product and nacho cheese, it's so dramatically over-the-top. Based on the novel series of the same name, CW's latest supernatural teen drama is really reaching for that Twi-market, let's hope it doesn't disappoint. Roll on another layer of that lip gloss boys — mama needs a new vamp fetish.

Premiere Date: on CW @ 8 PM Begins Sept. 10

Vampire Diaries Promo

Vampire Smack Talk

Vampire Gliding

Bite Marks

Actual Vampires Writing IN THEIR VAMPIE DIARIES

Supernatural

Finally, the spring's most agonizing cliffhanger is resolved — the Winchester boys are back, and they've unleashed Lucifer, played by none other than Mark Pellegrino — that's Jacob from Lost. But the brothers have a huge handicap in fighting Hell on Earth, since they're still pretty pissed at each other. This could very well be the final season of Supernatural, which means this could be the season where the big Dean-versus-Sam apocalyptic throw down takes place.

It's Back: Sept. 10 on the CW at 9 PM.

Supernatural Promo:

Supernatural Promo:

Supernatural Comic Con Promo:

Fringe

Alternate worlds collided last season. Olivia finally met THE William Bell, played by none other than Geek God Leonard Nimoy (who should be back in at least a couple of episodes). Walter led us to a suspicious head-stone which made us all scratch our heads and say "wait a minute how can that be Peter Bishop, if he's Peter Bishop? Ohhhh." From the looks of the preview, Olivia thinks she has to save the world, but knowing her usual "shoot first, ask questions later" tactics, she's going to need a lot more bullets. But let's hope this season first answers some questions, like what's different in the alternate world, besides the fact that the World Trade Center is still standing and Agent Charlie Francis' sexy face scar — and Charlie, of course, is about to be replaced anyways by another sexy woman FBI Agent.

It's Back: Sept. 17 on FOX at 9 PM

Fringe Promo:

Fringe Teaser:

Friday:

Star Wars: The Clone Wars –

The evilest of evil bounty hunters, gets a giant, epic premiere on the new season of Clone Wars, where we see him killing and torturing at will. Bring on the CG alien bloodshed!

It's Back: October 2 on the Cartoon Network at 8 PM.

Ghost Whisperer-

Jennifer Love Hewitt continues whispering to the spirit people, solving crimes and making "love me" eyes into the camera.

It's Back: Sept. 25 on CBS at 8 PM

Smallville -

Zod is front and center this season, and will hopefully bring more of a battle than that lackluster Doomsday finale. Plus the Kryptonite-hearted villain Metallo shows up (played by Brian Austin Green). Will Chloe be able to heal her wounded heart in time to meddle in everyones lives again, thus almost destroying the world over and over? My guess is yes.

It's Back: Sept. 25 on CW at 8 PM

Smallville Promo:

Dollhouse

Now that Paul's inside the house, how will be spend his days? Also did Alpha's final imprint onto Echo leave her forever scarred? And what's this we're hearing about the Dollhouse bringing about the end of the world? One thing we can promise you is loads of sexy role-playing ideas will be coming your way, via Eliza Dushku and her doll friends.

It's Back: Sept. 25 on FOX @ 9 PM Begins

Stargate Universe

The darkest of the Gates tries out new characters, a new ship and a shaky-cam technique. The new Gate crew gets marooned aboard an ancient ship, doomed to spend their days traveling the universe, and never able to return back to Earth in their "real" bodies.

Premiere Date: on Syfy @ 9 PM Begins Oct. 2, with two-hour premiere

SGU Promo:

Sanctuary

Gather ye monster hunters, the supernatural detectives headed by Amanda Tapping are back, and ready to solve your odd greenscreen crimes.

It's Back: on Syfy @ 10 PM Begins Oct. 9

Sunday:

Storm Chasers -

Before Helen Hunt made it oh-so-romantic, storm chasing used to dangerous, and the folks over at Storm Chasers want to show you just how dangerous the inside of a storm can be.

It's Back: Oct. 11th on Discovery at 10 PM

Venture Brothers

Brock is gone, and Hank and Dean are actually going to mature and grow up? Say it isn't so! But at least the latest promo for the new season for Venture looks like classic Venture insanity-humor.

It's Back: November on Adult Swim

Venture Brothers Promo:

Sadly you'll have to wait until the new year for Day One, Past Life, Caprica, Human Target and the new seasons of Chuck, Lost and Better off Ted.

Additional reporting by Caitlin Petrakovitz.

When last we left The Venture Bros., Hank and Dean's clones had been sacrificed during an all-out assault on the Venture compound, Brock had quit his job as the Ventures' bodyguard, and Henchman 21 was holding the decapitated head of his bosom buddy, Henchman 24.

The creators have promised that now that their clones have been destroyed, Hank and Dean will actually age past their perpetual sixteen years, physically if not mentally. Dean may be harboring sympathetic feelings for fascist dictators, but at least now Hank has better hair.

Now that Brock has quit the bodyguarding business, it looks like Rusty will be employing a new bodyguard (Brock will reappear, but it may be a few episodes before we see him). With all of the interactions between 21 (or Gary, if you prefer) and Rusty, I can't help but wonder if 21 is Rusty's new bodyguard, perhaps moonlighting when he's not working for the Monarch. Also, I wonder how far we have to get into the season before Sergeant Hatred decides Master Billy Quizboy is the perfect outlet for his pederastic urges. Sadly, we'll have to wait until November for the full episodes to begin.

[via AICN]

We've all been there. Watching our favorite show when we realize that the situation we find our main characters in is completely and utterly ridiculous. The characters are stepping into plot holes so deep, you can't help commenting on it from the sofa. It's actually a relief when someone on screen points out the absurdity of what everyone else is struggling to take seriously. So it's a good thing modern science fiction has a particular talent for giving the audience a surrogate in the storylines.

Joss Whedon, in particular, has a great talent for lacing his shows and movies with smart-aleck rebels who provide a running commentary. His characters are often hyper-aware of the weird, outlandish situations they find themselves in. Take this scene from the pasted together Firefly pilot, "The Train Job." The great "villain doesn't care about money" cliche is turned on its head at the hands of the great Mal Reynolds:

The Whedonverse's most emo couple, Buffy and Angel, come in for their share of mockery as well. Most famously, there's the great scene involving Spike providing his own voice-over for Angel's superhero run. But there's also this barely remembered Cordy/Wes gem instead. The point is, it could just as easily be Topher, Spike, Wash or even Boyd on a good day making the observations that we seem to yell at our tv screens.

And then there's Heroes, which gave us Hiro Nakamura serving as the next best thing to an audience surrogate, the fan who becomes part of the action, for most of season one. He goes out of his way to break down the comic book rules of the Heroes world and even sneaks in a few Star Trek references along the way. But perhaps the most self-aware character on Heroes is Sylar, who manages to keep a sense of irony about his own actions long into the show's decline. One of the few pleasures of the past two years has been those moments when Sylar practically smirks at the camera.

But even a deadly serious show like Battlestar Galactica serves up a voice of audience mockery in the form of Gaius Baltar, who regularly comments on how goofy everything is. The Baltar syndrome can enable the audience to swallow a lot of bizarre and nonsensical plot twists, because at least Gaius is admitting it's all a bit silly.

Then there's the character who's both the ascended fan (like Hiro) and the audience surrogate. A perfect example of this dynamic combo is Venture Brothers' Henchman 21:

He is us, and unlike Hiro, he didn't have any awesome superpowers to distinguish himself from any other random dude who wears tights and butterfly wings. His jokes don't come from a generic fan P.O.V. (which is what Hiro's jokes devolved into) but came from someone who truly knew nerd culture.

Futurama's Fry has a similar position. He's unapologetically below average in every way, and his voice represents the audiences' most basic observations about the "future." What really makes that show shine, however, is the reversal of the surrogate's role with the main cast. Fry's seemingly logical observations are ridiculed and laughed off as a caveman's ramblings. And then, the caveman is told that he's the most important person in the universe. I don't know about you guys, but it's definitely this fangirl's dream to be told that she's destined to defeat a race of glowly brains for fun, glory and profit.

1999's Galaxy Quest was a whole movie built around the premise of teasing the Star Trek and Star Wars cultures. What made that film great wasn't merely the laughs (or Rainn Wilson's role) — it was the fact that it could make fun of itself while respecting the genre fans who would inevitably go and see it. It wasn't a "look how stupid geeks are" representation (like, say, Big Bang Theory), but had a message more akin to "geeks are pretty weird, but they've got a heart of gold."

Lost also takes a stab at the ascended fanboy with Hurley. He plays the part of the not-insanely-good-looking castaway that seems the most like the guy that works at your local video store. And whenever there's a bizarre time-travel plot or mysterious hatch, Hurley is the guy who asks the questions you wish you could ask the writers:

It's not easy for genre shows to have a surrogate who accurately represents the main audience, but when it's done right, they're most often our favorite characters. I know Ryan Reynolds has a lot on his plate right now, but he should seriously take this all into consideration before the Deadpool film comes out.

At last night's The Venture Bros. panel, creators Doc Hammer and Jackson Publick fielded questions from fans, most of whom were distraught over the decapitation of Monarch henchman #24 in last season's finale. Doc Hammer told fans to move on:

24 is dead. Get over it. We had an argument about it, then it was over.

When one fan questioned whether H.E.L.P.eR., Dr. Venture's robot, who also met with disaster last season, could be put back together, Hammer confirmed that H.E.L.P.eR. is also on the permanent casualty list:

H.E.L.P.eR. is dead. [Pauses for distressed noises] Don't act like you guys like H.E.L.P.eR.

H.E.L.P.eR. may go unmissed, at least by Dr. Venture, but Hammer promises that #21, #24's fellow henchman and near-constant companion, will be profoundly affected by his compatriot's demise:

21 lives for that poor guy. His life is altered dramatically.

Next season we'll get to see how 21 copes with no longer being one half of a duo ("These two are only funny together," Hammer notes). The target of his grief could be Dr. Girlfriend's Murderous Moppets, who, Hammer hinted, could be the next victims in the creators' killing spree. Hammer confessed that he and Publick often forget to write the Moppets into episodes, and have contemplated offing the pair to resolve their Moppet problem. But fan hatred of the pair might just save them:

But now that I find out they're universally hated, I kind of want to keep them around. It's like Erika Kane on All My Children.

Tonight

Superhero action-comedy The Middleman is having its most scifi episode to date at 10 PM on ABC Family. This would be a hot contender for the best show on TV during the fall season, but in the summer it's simply unmissable. "A group of peaceful aliens with an addiction to plastic surgery are being hunted down by a homicidal entity. Meanwhile, Ben puts his and Wendy's break-up video on the internet: Wendy is not thrilled." Okay, just take a moment and let that sink in: plastic-surgery-addicted aliens, plus Ben being more of a dick than ever. Equals ruleage. If you don't believe me, here's a new featurette to back me up:

Why is The Middleman banished to 10 PM? Why, so ABC Family can show the all-important Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. Which may actually have some scifi content to it, especially since it features a "mad scientist" named Jonathan Jacobo. Did you know Freddie Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar made a Scooby sequel? I didn't. Wikipedia says Seth Green and Ruben Studdard are in it. And apparently, a direct-to-DVD Scooby 3 is in production. Really?

And at 3 AM, Sci Fi has a new Charlie Jade: "And Not A Drop To Drink." Here's what happens:

Charlie's leads draw him further into the series' dark world, Reena undergoes torture, Jasmine wants to remain free, we get a glimpse of Gammaverse politics, and we finally witness 01 Boxer travelling between worlds.

Movies: AMC has the original Escape From New York at 6 PM, so hurry home from work. Spike is still showing the Star Wars movies. The Sci Fi Channel is showing Lawnmower Man 2 at 3:00 Tuesday morning. I've never seen it, but I bet there's trippy VR sex. But no Pierce Brosnan (sob).

Tuesday

The History Channel has a rerun of The Universe, about stars beyond the Milky Way, at 8 PM. Followed by a new Mega Disasters, about a "deadly jet collision," at 10 PM.

Movies: TCM is showing 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea at 9 AM. HBO has the Simpsons Movie at 8 PM. And TMC has Mission: Impossible III at 2:40 Wednesday morning, written and directed by J.J. Abrams. And at 5:00 AM Wednesday, there's Hold On!, a 1966 British comedy about a rock group who are going to have a spaceship named after them.

Wednesday

The Sci Fi Channel is bringing back a long-canceled show called Scare Tactics, which uses Hollywood special effects to frighten and confuse people. Tonight at 9, a medical assistant thinks she's delivering Satan's baby. Yeah. I know.

There's a new Nova ScienceNOW at 9 PM on PBS, tackling various topics including saving the Hubble Space Telescope, the first primates, and whether we're going to run out of effective antibiotics. Here's a clip:

Or you could watch a new MonsterQuest on the History Channel at 9, all about the "Black Beast of Exmoor." Your call.

Movies: HBO has Galaxy Quest at 2:45, and Encore has the original Stargate at 4:05 PM, just in case you want to bone up on all things Gate-y before Friday's Atlantis premiere.

Thursday

HBO has a half-hour special about the new Batman movie The Dark Knight, at 10:30 PM. Also, we're totally not mentioning that spy show Burn Notice is starting its second season on USA at 10 PM. Even though it does have scifi hero Bruce Campbell in it. And Battlestar Galactica's Tricia Helfer. And there are some pretty scifi-ish MacGyver-y gadgets. Anyway, not mentioning it. Moving on.

Movies: FX has Hellboy at 8 PM and 10 PM. And at midnight, USA is showing The Nutty Professor — the Eddie Murphy version. Isn't that so much better than sleeping? Also, it's not really scifi, but I have to mention Witches of Breastwick 2, another midnight movie, just for the title. Apparently it's about "seductive women." Speaking of seductive, Jeff Goldblum is on fire in The Fly, on Cinemax at three in the morning, and that's followed by Children Of Men at 5:10 AM.

Friday

At 9 PM, the Sci Fi Channel has the best Doctor Who episode of 2008, "Midnight." Without giving away spoilers, it's an episode that looks like it was made for about 50 pence, and it substitutes freakish drama for special effects. I was blown away, as you can see from the link above. Here's the first few minutes:

And then at 10, Stargate Atlantis returns, picking up where it left off last season. Can they rescue Teyla's baby? Also, Robert Picardo from Star Trek: Voyager joins the cast as a regular and immediately starts making everybody's life difficult. We reviewed the first episode a while back, and you can read our write-up here.

Movies: The Disney Channel is showing the live-action Thunderbirds movie, starring America's favorite polygamist Bill Paxton, at 8 PM. And at the same time, the Cartoon Network has Ben 10: Secret Of The Omnitrix.

Saturday

The Cartoon Network has a new Ben 10: Alien Force at 10: the Forever Knights find themselves unable to capture an escaped dragon, so Ben tries to help. Only to feel conflicted when he hears both sides of the story.

Movies: The CW has X-Men at 1 PM. And USA has Jurassic Park at 8.

Sunday

At 11:30 PM, there's a new Venture Bros.: "The Ant Farm, or What Goes Down Must Come Up." And that's about all I can find out about it. It's followed by a new Metalocalpyse at midnight: "Dethdad." Toki hears that his dad is dying, so he journeys to Norway, and the rest of the band comes along to get "album inspiration" and put off actually working on their album.

Tonight

As usual, the week's TV highlight is a new episode of superhero show The Middleman, at its new time of 10 PM on ABC Family. This time around, the Middleman's sidekick Wendy is supposed to learn fighting from Sensei Ping, but he's kidnapped by a band of Mexican Wrestlers — who also get their hands on the Middleman himself. If you like fun, then I highly recommend The Middleman — I had high hopes for the series, but it's actually surpassed them, mostly thanks to Natalie Morales' engaging performance and the incredibly high-density clever scripts. But don't take my word for it, here's what Henry Jenkins has to say. He's a professor, after all:

The scripts for the series, not to mention the comics, are full of one laugh out loud one-liner after another, most of them playing on precise and pithy references to popular culture: I haven't seen a script this dense with injokes since early Joss Whedon... The performances consistently live up to the quality of the script: everyone gets a few memorable lines and moments in the spotlight in the opening episode and I can't wait to see where the characters go from here.

And here's a trailer for the new episode:

Also tonight, Spike is showing Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones. The six Star Wars films are appearing almost every night on Spike this week, so if you missed their earlier showings, you can stop panicking and start watching the rise and fall of Anakin.

And at 3 AM (!!) the Sci Fi Channel is showing a new (to Americans) episode of dimension-shifting noir show Charlie Jade. Charlie Jade thinks that 01 Boxer, the dimension-jumping psycho, killed Elliott Krogg, who's become the scapegoat for a bombing that killed a lot of people. Meanwhile, back in Charlie's dystopian home dimension, Jasmin is grappling with the fact that a woman of her social rank is not supposed to be self-sufficient, and she has to decide whether to use sexual favors to survive.

At almost the same time Tuesday morning (3:15), Cinemax is showing My Super Ex-Girlfriend, to get you in the mood for Hancock. Marvel at Hollywood's cluelessness, and maybe get a few chuckles out of an airborne Uma Thurman.

Tuesday

The ever-reliable History Channel is serving up yet another dose of paranoia and mega-science, with a new episode of Mega Disasters at 10 PM. It's about "airborne attack," and it may make you want to wear a breathing mask if you live in the city. Here's the description:

Anthrax is the most feared of all the biological weapons—spores entering the body through the lungs are lethal. In 2001, a simple letter, sent through the US mail, paralyzed a nation, when anthrax spores were found inside. Experts predict that anthrax released over a populated area would result in unprecedented loss of life—a few pounds of anthrax released under the right conditions could kill hundreds of thousands of people. Will anthrax be used to create a worldwide disaster?

There's also a rerun of The Universe, focusing on the moon, at 8 PM.

AMC is showing the Don Knotts space comedy, The Reluctant Astronaut, at 3:45. Here's a giant chunk of that movie:

Wednesday

Tonight it's the battle of the science programs! Two different shows are airing at 9 PM — will you watch the respectable, highbrow science of Nova ScienceNow on PBS? Or a new MonsterQuest on History, focusing on "Super Rats"? Well, let's see... Nova ScienceNow includes segments on personal DNA testing, pulling excess carbon out of the atmosphere, which are sort of hot-button topics right now. On the other hand, MonsterQuest has evidence that rats used to be huge — and these massive, cat-sized rats are making a comeback. And they have an appetite for anything... even human flesh!!

Hmmm... serious science. Or cat-sized people-eating rats. What will it be? Does this sample of Nova ScienceNow help?

Another scheduling smackdown: FX is showing I, Robot (the Will Smith movie) at 5:30, and TMC has Starman, the movie about a widow and an alien on the run, at 6:30. Somehow, I'm not guessing that's much of a dilemma, for anyone who gets TMC.

Thursday

Tonight at 10 PM, there's a new episode of horror anthology series Fear Itself: "Eater," directed by Stuart Gordon. (Director of everything from Robot Jox to Reanimator.) In "Eater," a rookie cop has to watch over a serial killer called the "Eater," but her fellow cops start acting weird and she realizes nobody is whom they seem. (This website says "Eater" already appeared June 5, but the TV listings and IMDB both say it's a new episode as of this Thursday.)

The Sci Fi Channel is showing episodes of the classic Twilight Zone all day today and tomorrow. I wonder if they'll show that one with the twist ending? And the aliens?

We've talked a lot about how much we love C.S.A.: Confederate States of America, the alternate history movie about a world where the South won the Civil War. It's a wicked satire, but also a sharp-edged mirror on our real world, because it shows how different its alternate world isn't in many ways. And now you can check it out for yourself, on IFC at 7:45.

After showing the first two Planet Of The Apes movies a bunch lately, AMC is finally showing a different one, Escape From The Planet Of The Apes. Unfortunately, it's at 5 AM. Get up early and psych yourself up for work with some ape-action.

At 12:10 Friday morning, Encore has 12 Monkeys, Terry Gilliam's weird time-traveling plague movie starring Brad Pitt and Bruce Willis. I'm probably the only person who didn't like this movie — I found it a little too precious, and felt like it was an inferior remake of Gilliam's Brazil. But maybe I'll take this chance to watch it again and see if I was too harsh. And your chance to watch it again and remind yourselves how wrong I am.

And then at 12:30 AM Friday, Cinemax has Alien Sex Files: Aliens Gone Wild. Here's the plot description: "Lusty extraterrestrials explore human sexuality." It doesn't actually mention anal probes at all. Also, the HBO page says the movie features "gorgeous, sex-starved aliens" who cause an "explosion of erotic activity."

And at 3 AM, TCM is showing the 1941 version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. See where the Hulk came from, and brace yourself for some classic 1940s science horror. Or you could just hold out for an hour and watch Mortal Kombat on TNT at 4 AM.

Friday

Tonight at 7 PM, ION Television has Gadgetman, starring Marina Sirtis from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Admit it, you wondered what she'd been up to apart from the Trek movies and occasional Voyager cameos. And just look at this great synopsis: "When a gadget-inventing professor is kidnapped for his latest invention, a wallet computer, his son enlists the help of a detective who is not all she appears to be." Marina probably shows whole new facets of her personality here. Or you could just watch The Fantastic Four and Spider-Man 2, back to back on FX.

Also, the Sci Fi Channel has more Twilight Zone all day today, plus all evening until midnight. Clear lots and lots of space on that TiVo, and then cancel those weekend plans.

Continuing its excursion into the later Apes movies, AMC is showing Battle For The Planet Of The Apes, at 9 AM.

Saturday

At 10:30 AM on Cartoon Network, there's a new Transformers: Animated, the first half of a two-parter called "A Bridge Too Close."

In his plan to take over Cybertron, Megatron captures Bulkhead. The Autobots plan a rescue party and discover that the Blue Racecar is actually an Autobot called Blurr.

And here's a chunk of the episode, complete with a funny Decepticon initiation ceremony:

Also, Encore has the underrated RoboCop 2 at 10:50, followed by Stargate, the movie that launched a huge TV franchise, at 1 PM and 10 PM. And Sci Fi is showing Resident Evil at 5 and Resident Evil: Apocalypse at 7.

Sunday

We'll never get Robert Rodriguez's version of Barbarella, but at least you can watch his movie The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lava Girl today at noon on the Disney Channel, and you can try and picture Rose McGowan in silver lame kinky boots in the middle of all that. Rodriguez collaborated with his kids to create this superhero fantasy, which is supposed to be one of the worst movies ever, but I've never seen it. Maybe it's only really in the bottom 20 percent.

There's another new Venture Bros. tonight at 11:30, called "What Goes Down, Must Come Up," but no other info is available. And then at midnight there's a new Metalocalypse, called "Dethsources." Those are both part of Cartoon Network's Adult Swim lineup.