Monday

A surprisingly strong start to the week comes in the form of a couple of marathons. Discovery has a day of Mythbusters starting at 9am and finishing with a brand new episode, "Mini Myth Mayhem," at 9pm, while Syfy takes the Doctor Who route and runs with a Sarah Jane Adventures marathon from 10am through 3pm.

For those seeking more high-brow, independent movie thrills, IFC is showing 1995 Australian ecology alien movie Alien Visitor at 9:45pm. Here's the synopsis:

A beautiful alien is sent from the planet Epsilon to pass judgment on the shameful way in which humans have mishandled their planet. Set in a near future in which humanity has made great strides in cleaning up the Earth, it begins as a grandmother tells her granddaughters a story from the past. Her tale begins in the desert outback during the dark times when people were actively ruining their planet. The naked alien is placed upon the desert where she eventually meets a surveyor who quickly gives her some clothing. As the two travel across the land, the alien constantly admonishes him for his race's carelessness and greed. She informs him that other intelligent life forms consider humans hopeless failures. Using her ability to travel instantly to any of Earth's locales, she takes the bewildered surveyor on a whirlwind tour to prove her point.

(Also, pretty much entirely off-topic, but there's a two hour block of Community reruns on NBC at 8pm, for those who wonder where Chevy Chase is these days. It's not SF, but I recommend it nonetheless)

Tuesday

With the exception of ABC's Better Off Ted at 9:30pm - the first of two episodes this week - it's all about the movies today. You can go for camp horror thrills on AMC with Jack Nicholson werewolf movie Wolf (at midnight) and the two Ghostbusters movies at 11am and 1:30pm, respectively, or else some classic anime with Howl's Moving Castle on IFC at 6:50am. Set your TiVo.

Wednesday

Unless you're looking for the 11pm AMC showing of Aliens, it's pretty much up to ABC's Eastwick at 10am to keep the flame of television alive with new episode "Magic Snow and Creepy Gene":

When the women make a pact never to reveal what they did to Jamie, they realize they must go their separate ways — and abandon their powers. A guilty Joanna tries to help Penny find closure; sparks fly between Kat and her hot new neighbor, single dad Colin, who has come to Eastwick with his young son Gene and a dark secret. Just as Kat and Joanna are moving on, things get complicated for Roxie when Darryl returns to Eastwick with the truth about his mysterious past.

Thursday

As if knowing that you're very unlikely to be watching television today, there's a scarcity of great programming available... Although, we have to admit, we love the perverseness of Syfy's Twilight Zone marathon, which starts at 8:30 in the morning today and runs until Saturday morning.

Friday

See in 2010 with as much David Tennant as you can stand: At midnight, BBC America starts a rerun of the entire Russell T. Davies Doctor Who run, leading up to Saturday's "The End of Time, Part Two." Yes, the whole thing, over what's pretty much two days. It's kind of awesome.

If you're not a Doctor Who fan, though, there's always another Mythbusters marathon on the Discovery Channel (9am through 3am Saturday).

Also, there are new episodes of Batman: The Brave and The Bold (7:30pm) and Star Wars: The Clone Wars (9pm, and it's a double bill of "Grievous Intrigue" and "The Deserter") on Cartoon Network. And there's an all-new Better Off Ted on ABC at 8:30pm (along with a rerun of the first episode of the new season at 9:30).

And if even that isn't enough, then AMC would like your attention: They're showing Voyage to The Bottom Of The Sea at 9am, Alien Resurrection at 11:30am, and all three Matrix movies starting at 2pm. Of course, there's also 24 solid hours of Twilight Zone on Syfy, as well...

Saturday

BBC America keeps running Doctor Who through to 8:30pm's US premiere of "The End of Time, Part Two," which'll hopefully be better than the first part.

BBC America also has the US premiere of Demons, the short-lived UK Dracula-related supernatural series. Otherwise, the day belongs to Syfy's horror movie marathon: 9am Venom, 11am Shallow Ground, 1pm Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, 3pm, Timber Falls, 5pm Flu Bird Horror , 7pm Splinter, 9pm The Midnight Meat Train, 11:00pm See No Evil, 1am Sunday Death Tunnel, 3am The Shaft.

Sunday

Syfy has another movie marathon today, with a focus on monsters. It starts at 9am with Boa Vs. Python, before continuing with 11am's Manticore, 1pm's Beowulf, 3pm's Savage Planet, 5pm's The Bone Eater, 7pm's Swamp Devil, 9pm's Sea Beast, and ending with Eye of The Beast at 11pm... which just so happens to be the time that The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen starts on AMC. It's almost like it was planned that way!

It's not just that most of your regular shows are on holiday break this week; the rest of programming is also affected by marathons and special programming that you'd probably be better off avoiding.

Monday, for example? There's really not much to be looked for at all. Fasten your grump-belts: You're going to run into a lot of that this week.

Tuesday

It's not SF, but Dirty Jobs is at least weird enough to occasionally seem like urban fantasy, right? For those who don't believe me, Discovery is running a marathon of the show from 12pm through 12am to convince you otherwise. For fans of Robin Williams' later work, AMC has Jumanji at 1:45pm.

(Edit: There's also a new episode of Better Off Ted on ABC at 9pm, which I highly recommend and would've earlier if I hadn't accidentally thought it was a rerun. Sorry!)

Wednesday

We're still a couple of days before the holiday itself, but that doesn't mean anything to a time lord, which explains why BBC America has two Doctor Who Christmas Specials already: "The Christmas Invasion" (David Tennant's first episode) at 12pm, and "The Runaway Bride" (Catherine Tate's first episode!) an hour later.

Thursday

Dear Syfy, I know it gets a lot of viewers, but a Ghost Hunters marathon for Christmas Eve? Unless they're looking for the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future, I'm not a big fan (8am through 5am the following morning). Just watch BBC America's rerun of Doctor Who's "The Next Doctor" (5pm) instead.

Friday

Dear Syfy, Twilight Zone from 8am, then some trashy movies (Monster Ark at 9:30am, Copperhead at 11:30, Ghost Town at 1:30pm and Stephen King's Desperation - sadly, not a film about the desperation of a horror writer with a face like a shaved lion - at 3:30) before Serenity at 6:30, Total Recall at 9pm and Star Trek: The Next Generation from 11:30 through until 4:30am on Saturday? You're forgiven for that Ghost Hunters thing.

And for those who'd rather watch something with a little more (admittedly dubious) educational value, Discovery has a Mythbusters marathon from 12pm until 6am the next day.

Maybe you shouldn't watch the whole thing.

Saturday

Awake post-festive revelry and wondering if there are old SF B-movies to stave off sleep? AMC has you covered, with a triple-bill of The War Of The Worlds (3:30am), The Day The World Ended (5:30am) and Earth Vs. The Spider (7:15am).

Alternately, Syfy has a horrorfest happening, starting with Stay Alive at 9am, Rest Stop at 10:30, The Descent at 12:30, Autopsy at 2:30, then the first three Saw movies (4:30, 6pm and 9pm, respectively) to scare you out of any post-Christmas Day bluster.

Of course, anyone who isn't watching Doctor Who: The End Of Time part one on BBC America at 9pm should consider themselves (a) not in America, (b) someone who may have watced it online the night before, but we won't talk about that or (c) not our friends. Sorry, it's just the way it is (For those concerned: It's an unedited version, at 1hr and 15mins, including commercials).

Sunday

Catch up with the first four episodes of weird, quasi-animation Outer Space Astronauts on Syfy at 9:30am and then just throw away the remote; the same channel has In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale at 11:30am, followed by Beyond Sherwood Forest (Monsters! Robin Hood! Together!) at 2pm and Dragon Wars at 4, before Men In Black II (at 6pm) and Nic Cage's "What if Indiana Jones was happening today and shit?" National Treasure at 8. What better way to end the week than with Cage, after all?

Monday

Get your day started off in the right way with Syfy's Highlander: The Raven marathon, from 8:30 in the morning until 3:30 in the afternoon. Wait, did I say "right"? I meant, "It's Highlander, surely you can find something better to watch on another channel."

The CW, meanwhile, takes advantage of everything else in primetime being on holiday break by starting a weeklong catch-up for The Vampire Diaries at 8pm, with two episodes running each night until Friday.

Tuesday

You know you're in trouble when a new episode of Syfy's Outer Space Astronauts is the highlight of the day (It's on at 9pm). Otherwise, it's an Early Edition marathon on the same channel from 8am through 3pm and another two hours of The Vampire Diaries on the CW at 8pm for you. Suddenly, NBC's Glee/American Idol mash-up The Sing-Off seems very tempting, doesn't it...?

Wednesday

Again, it's a Syfy marathon from 8am to 3pm (Today, Moonlight) and two hours of Vampire Diaries (from 8pm on the CW) to keep you busy today, although your sanity may be regained with the help of a brand new Mythbusters on Discovery at 9pm (It's called "Hidden Nasties," which can only bode well) and you can always wash your brain out at the end of the day with Eastwick's new episode, "Tea and Psycopathy":

After Jamie reveals to Roxie that Darryl is his father, she sets about having a dinner party where father and son can bond. However, Jamie has a secret, darker plan for the evening. Meanwhile, Kat embraces her newfound power by healing every patient she is exposed to, but her compassion leads to drastic physical consequences. Max asks a reluctant Joanna to help him crack a famous unsolved Eastwick murder, but their snooping leads them to a perilous situation with Eleanor.

Admittedly, after a plot description like that, I'm not sure anyone needs to actually watch the show.

Thursday

I don't remember Level 9, but Syfy definitely does; that's their 8am through 3pm marathon for the day. Aside from the CW's two hour Vampire Diaries block - 8pm until 10pm, remember - your night is both free and clear for you to tune into the special Christmas compilation of Saturday Night Live sketches on NBC at 8pm, just to see if "Dick In A Box" is still funny years later.

Friday

Finally, Syfy's daytime marathon comes through with the goods! It's Stargate SG-1 all day from 8am to 3pm.

As well as (an old) Christmas episode of Batman: The Brave and the Bold, you can be advance-grateful for Dollhouse's latest double bill ("Stop-Loss"/"The Attic", Fox 8pm) for giving you something new to watch instead of another couple of episodes of The Vampire Diaries on the CW at the same time. If you need any more reason to tune into the Whedon world, this double bill includes the episode where Victor's contract expires...

Saturday

Syfy put in a strong showing with a monster movie marathon (9:30am: Mutants, 11:30am: Lockjaw: Rise of The Kulev Serpent, 1pm: Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning, 3pm Ginger Snaps II: Unleashed, 5pm: Ice Spiders, 7pm: Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer, 9pm: My Name Is Bruce, 11pm: Alien Apocalypse and finally at 1am, the infamous Mansquito).

But U.S. viewers who haven't already found a way to watch it will be much happier with BBC America's Doctor Who afternoon, which runs old episodes from 2:30 before the 8pm Inside The Tardis behind-the-scenes episode, and the 9pm premiere of the uncut The Waters Of Mars. Thank you for being so good to us, American Beeb.

Sunday

I think you might want to leave the house for the day. Do some last-minute holiday shopping or something, because there's not really a lot to keep you inside and in front of the television... Maybe you should TiVo all those Vampire Diaries and watch them...

Monday

With Heroes and House both taking a break for the holidays, it falls to Syfy to keep us entertained today, and they're definitely trying their hardest, with Stargate: The Ark of Truth at 9am, followed by Stargate: Continuum at 11.

Meanwhile, if you went down the rabbit hole last night, you'll be happy to know that Alice continues (and concludes) at 9pm.

Tuesday

Even if the day wasn't almost entirely otherwise devoid of SF entertainment, the return of ABC's Better Off Ted (ABC at 9:30pm) would still be at the top of our to-do list. In the first episode of its new run, the employees of Veridian Dynamics find their thoughts turning to reproduction, as Ted and Linda meet their genetically compatible matches, while Veronica tries to convince Lem to donate to a sperm bank. Oh, Ted. How did we get by without you?

If satires on corporate America are a little too close to the bone, then try the first episode of Outer Space Astronauts on Syfy (also 9:30); it's a new sitcom set in outer space - Maybe you missed that in the title - but we're a little worried about it based on the episode description being "Capt. Ripley invites aliens over to the O.S.S. Oklahoma for a pizza dinner, but the aliens want the ship, too." Uh, hilarity may ensue?

Wednesday

Oh, Syfy. With a Jericho marathon from 8am through 3pm, you know how to spoil us. From there until 9pm, it's a bit of a science fiction wasteland in terms of things that aren't re-runs, so consider it the Television God's way of telling you to leave the house and go and do some holiday shopping or something. Then be back in front of the visual entertainment box in time for 9 o'clock, when Discovery has a new episode of Mythbusters, with Jamie and Adam putting more gunslinging myths to the test.

Thursday

Remember 1990s SF vampire series Kindred: The Embraced? I definitely don't, but Syfy is looking to remedy my oversight with a marathon of the entire 1996 series starring former Soul Man C. Thomas Howell, starting at 8am.

Otherwise, with FlashForward, Vampire Diaries and Supernatural already in reruns, it falls to Fringe to keep the science fiction flag flying with its new episode "Grey Matters" at 9pm on Fox. Featuring the return of Leonard Nimoy as William Bell:

Friday

Get your day started off in the right way with Syfy's Outer Limits marathon, starting at 8am. You'll only wish it was Twilight Zone a couple of times, honest.

Depending on who you believe, there's either a rerun or new episode of Batman: The Brave and The Bold on Cartoon Network at 7pm (If it's a new episode, then it'll be the Plastic Man-guesting "Long Arm Of The Law," but some schedules have last season's "Duel of The Double Crossers!" listed. Your guess is as good as mine at this point).

But even if it is a new episode, that might not be enough to steal your attention away from Syfy's Sanctuary mini-marathon, starting at 7pm and ending with a brand new episode, "Penance," guest-starring Amanda Tapping's fellow former Stargate cast member Michael Shanks, at 10pm.

Or you can keep up with the latest double bill of Dollhouse on Fox at 8pm, with the "Meet Jane Doe"/"A Love Supreme" match-up offering Topher discovering the potential effects of science, Echo losing control of her multiple memory downloads, and the return of Alpha.

Once that's done, you might find yourself switching over to Sky Captain and The World of Tomorrow on Cartoon Network at 10pm, just to look at how shiny the whole thing is.

Saturday

It's All Disaster Movies All Day on Syfy, starting with Earthstorm (9am) before offering up Meteor (11am), miniseries 10.5: Apocalypse (1pm), Ba'al: The Storm God (5pm), Ice Twisters (7pm), Annihilation Earth (9pm) and finishing with Disaster Zone: Volcano in New York at 11pm. Why so many disaster movies? Why not? Over on BBC America, there's a Doctor Who triple bill of edited versions of "Journey's End", "The Next Doctor" and "Planet of The Dead" starting at 7pm, but you should really wait until tomorrow, for reasons you'll discover in a second.

Sunday

...What's that, you say? A Doctor Who marathon on BBC America starting at 1pm, including 1hr 15 minute (ie, unedited from U.K. broadcast, apart from ad breaks) versions of The Next Doctor and Planet of The Dead? I thought you'd say yes. The full rundown of episodes is:

1pm: Voyage of The Damned
2pm: Turn Left
3pm: The Stolen Earth/Journey's End
5:30pm: The Next Doctor
6:45: Planet of The Dead

All of this is a lead-in to next week's premiere of "The Waters of Mars," and the following week's "The End of Time," of course. But do you care why it's happening, as long as it's happening?

Monday

It's the usual Monday evening decision between Fox's House, wherein the West Wing's Joshua Malina guests as a former patient of Wilson's who's now a little bit too close to dying for everyone's comfort, and NBC's Heroes, which promises an "unexpected destination" for Claire and Peter, who are struggling to come to terms with the truth. Both of them air at 8pm, so feel free to choose House and read our Heroes recap, instead. You know it'll be easier on everyone.

Tuesday

Prophets of Science Fiction on the Science Channel at 9pm is about it, now that V has slunk its way off-screen for a few months (And am I the only person who spent the last episode waiting for a big lizard reveal, only to be thwarted? They even talked about skinning an alien just to tease us, the bastards). But in many ways, this documentary about science fiction creators whose work predicted the future is likely to be less frustrating than ABC's alien drama, even if it may not be more entertaining.

Wednesday

While Mythbusters carries on Kari-less on Discovery at 9pm (Adam and Jamie look into whether you can escape from jail using antacids, while I continue to unfairly criticize newgirl Jessi Combs purely because of my love for the missing Ms. Byron), ABC's Eastwick begins to draw to a conclusion with new episode "Tasers and Mind Erasers."

Thursday

With the CW shows on reruns, your evening viewing is wide open for a helping of Flashforward at 8 pm on ABC and Fringe at 9 on Fox. This week's FF promises to reveal more about Demetri's future death, Zoey's flashforward and, most excitingly, what actually caused the flashforward itself. Meanwhile, Fringe gets out the Lovecraftian influence as "Snakehead" reveals a spooky squidlike creature burrowing into host bodies. Calamari will never be the same again.

Friday

If new episodes of Ghost Whisperer and Medium on CBS (at 8pm and 9, respectively) or Stargate Universe and Sanctuary on Syfy (at 9pm and 10, respectively) don't float your boat — Although, SGU sees Young handing over command of the Destiny to Camille when he's accused of murder aboard the ship, so maybe you should tune into that just in case — then there's only one thing that could take your attention (Well, beside Star Wars: The Clone Wars on Cartoon Network at 9).

And that's the return of Dollhouse, with two new episodes starting on Fox at 8pm. "The Public Eye/The Left Hand" sees Senator Wesley From Angel finally stop talking and start doing something in his so-far-useless campaign against the Dollhouse, while Topher and Adelle meet a programmer with a connection to Echo and - Oh, never mind. All you want to know is this: It's the episode with Summer Glau. See? Now you'll tune in.

Saturday

NBC is showing the best Fantastic Four movie ever made, The Incredibles at 8:30pm. I'm sure most of you already own it on DVD though, right?

Sunday

Sure, Sunday night still belongs to The Venture Bros (a new episode is on Cartoon Network at midnight), but we're still kind of tempted by Syfy's Alice revival, from the people who brought you Tin Man. Bringing the story up to date and adding in various contemporary re-readings of famous scenes, there's always the possibility of things going totally wrong and it turning out to be another Prisoner, but we have hope nonetheless...

Monday

If you'd rather not think about Turkey Day, you may want to skip both House (Fox, 8pm) and Heroes (NBC, 8pm) this week; both shows are having holiday-themed episodes.

House and his team treat "an exceptionally brilliant physicist" more successfully than they handle their own relationships, and the Petrellis have a "surprise guest" for their special turkey dinner. Maybe we'll see Sylar eat some turkey brains or something.

Tuesday

V wraps up its four-episode mini-run on ABC at 8pm with the lying title of "It's Only The Beginning" Here's the official network blurb:

Erica works with newly-formed allies to uncover a biological threat they suspect the Visitors have been plotting. Aboard the Mothership, Anna meets with a special guest while managing the investigation into the murder of a V. Chad does a segment on the V Healing Centers, demonstrating their amazing medical abilities, but then finds himself conflicted by some of his findings.

Findings like them eating mice, Chad? We can but hope.

Meanwhile, BBC America provides a non-fiction alternative with Apollo Wives (8pm), a documentary where the wives of the Apollo mission astronauts talk about what it was like for them to watch their husbands risk their lives flying to the moon and then return as some of the most famous people on the planet.

Wednesday

If you're not interested in Mythbusters taking on dumpster myths on the Discovery Channel at 9pm (Kari fans, it's her last episode before maternity leave), and the idea of another episode of ABC's Eastwick at 10pm leaves you cold (Roxie gets seduced by Darryl's art world connections, Joanna learns about the magical version of Einstein's theories and Kat stays away from the dating world, if you care), then all is not lost.

Cartoon Network's latest live action Ben 10 movie, Ben 10: Alien Swarm debuts at 7pm and, to be honest, you could watch worse this week.

Thursday

It's Thanksgiving, which means all of the usual Thursday night confusion takes a break to go eat with its family, and we're left with the choice of two marathons. The Discovery Channel lets rip with a Mythbusters marathon from 9am through to 3am, while Syfy, surreally, goes with a James Bond movie marathon, starting at 8am. Because... someone had to?

Even stranger is the order of the movies they're showing: Dr. No at 8am, License To Kill at 10:30am, Live And Let Die at 1:30pm, The Spy Who Loved Me at 4pm, Tomorrow Never Dies at 6:30pm, Casino Royale at 9pm, For Your Eyes Only at midnight, and The Man With The Golden Gun at 2:30am. Um... Okay?

Friday

Thanksgiving takes out all of today's regular programming as well, leaving us with the second day of Syfy's Bond In No Obvious Order Whatsoever Marathon, again starting at 8am. Today's movies are Thunderball at 8am, From Russia With Love at 10:30am, You Only Live Twice at 1pm, Diamonds Are Forever at 3:30pm, Casino Royale again at 6pm, GoldenEye at 9pm, Goldfinger at midnight and, finally, Never Say Never Again at 2:30am.

Seriously, are these being shown in order of someone's particular preference or something?

Saturday

Things begin to get back to normal with the appearance of a crazy gimmicked Syfy Original Movie: Beyond Sherwood Forest takes Robin Hood and his Merry Men and then puts them head to head with magic and monsters. It's kind of genius in its simplicity, really. Plus, look! Lois Lane!

Sunday

Of course, as usual, the week ends with a new episode of The Venture Bros on Cartoon Network at midnight. You're all watching this by now, right? It's probably the best season to date, even if we haven't approached anything as compelling as The Nozzle yet...

Monday

The week starts off softly, with nothing worth watching until 8 p.m., when you have too many shows even for TiVo to choose from. Shall it be the second night of the so-disappointing-I-may-cry The Prisoner on AMC? New episodes of House on Fox (in which House treats a porn star and decides to bring together his dream team of minions) or Heroes on NBC (in which Tracey loses control of her ability, Matt fights inside his mind with Sylar and OH MY GOD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP ALREADY)? Or a marathon of nature doc redux Planet Earth on the Discovery Channel, which offers six hours of stunning footage and soothing Sigourney Weaver voiceover?

I'm saying TiVo Planet Earth for when you need to be reminded how amazing life can be, and watch House, because you know they'll get some good jokes out've the porn star patient.

Tuesday

While The Prisoner finishes up its run over on AMC at 8pm, ABC's V decides that it's time to copy - Sorry, I mean, "homage" - another sci-fi classic as Erica is forced to team up with a Visitor officer to protect Visitors from death threats in this week's episode, "Wow, do you remember Alien Nation with its buddy comedy pairing of human and alien cops? We sure do." Oh, wait. It's actually called "A Bright New Day."

(If you're in the mood for something a little more classic, Syfy is running an Outer Limits marathon from 8am through 3pm.)

Wednesday

With no new episodes of Mythbusters, you might as well spend the day either (a) not watching television, or the much-more-likely (b) flipping between Syfy's The Twilight Zone marathon (8am through 3pm) and AMC's classic run of Young Frankenstein (1pm), Ghostbusters (3:30pm) and, um, Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines (8pm). Someone's told them that T3 isn't a comedy, right...?

Thursday

As if the traditional Thursday evening crush isn't enough, Syfy are willing to suck your life away with a First Wave marathon from 9am through 3pm, and AMC are willing to contribute with the original Stargate movie at 2:30. Before you know it, you'll be choosing between Flashforward on ABC (Everyone keeps trying to solve their FFs just like they've been for the last few weeks, except Bryce is finally getting off his ass and wondering about his future girlfriend a bit more) and Vampire Diaries on the CW (Jeremy takes up drawing and Elena discovers something terrible, which may just be a future script for the show), both at 8pm.

And then you have to choose again between Fringe on Fox (The truth behind the Observer! And Walter wants a milkshake, with guest-star Kelis. Okay, sadly that part about a guest-star isn't true) and Supernatural on the CW at 9 (The Winchester Bros. team up with Bobby, Ellen and Jo to send Lucifer back to Hell. Don't be surprised if things don't go to plan, considering it's still relatively early in the season). We might just watch Community and 30 Rock instead, though, and catch up with everything else online later, if that's okay with you guys.

Friday

Relive the first wave of post-Lost network television with Syfy's Invasion marathon (8am through 3pm), before switching over to watch Dustin Hoffman worry about his paycheck in Outbreak on AMC.

Let's be honest, Fridays are really all about the evening shows, though; Smallville finally tries to get to the bottom of Lois' future abduction/visions on the CW at 8pm (Kneeling before Zod is optional, I believe), while CBS' Ghost Whisperer is worried about someone dying at the same time, which makes no sense. Wouldn't that just mean she'd have someone else to whisper to? Why do they never think these things through?

At 9pm, you can choose between Medium on CBS, wherein Allison develops a strange sensitivity to light, or Syfy's Stargate Universe, wherein everyone catches their breath and uses those weird psychic projection stone things to talk to those they've left behind. Alternatively, you could switch over to Cartoon Network for a new episode of Star Wars: The Clone Wars, before ending the night with the latest episode of Sanctuary at 10pm on Syfy.

Saturday

Syfy tries to get your attention with a triple bill of cut-rate dragon movies (In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale at 9pm, Fire And Ice at 11:30 and Dragon Sword on Sunday at 1:30 in the morning), but there's no way that can compete with AMC's quadruple bill of the Alien movies: Alien starts at 5:30, followed by Aliens at 8pm, Alien 3 at 11 and Alien: Resurrection at 1:30 on Sunday morning. The first two, at least, are worth it.

Sunday

Oh, people. You all know by now that Sunday is Venture Bros day, right? I don't know what else to tell you aside from that, apart from the episode being entitled "Self-Medication". Oh, and that it's on Cartoon Network at midnight, and is really the most essential piece of television in the entire week. Don't leave home without it.

Monday

What better way to start off the week than with a Syfy marathon of Stargate SG-1 running right now, from 8am all the way through to 3pm? Sure, there's that whole "work" thing, but come on. It's Stargate!

Otherwise, your television thrills are limited to an 8pm conflict between new episodes of House on Fox (A teenage girl can't distinguish between fact and fiction "after a wild night out." Am I the only one who feels like this could be either awesome or hideously embarrassing for all involved?) and Heroes on NBC, where Sylar is still trying to take control of Matt's body and Claire has to face off with her father's Sorority Girl Army. And, yes, I did accidentally make that sound more interesting than the actual show. Sorry, everyone.

Tuesday

For those calling in sick, I'd recommend skipping Syfy's Tru Calling marathon (8am through 3pm for those whose love of Dushku overpowers their bad-show gag reflex) and tuning into AMC, which goes dragon crazy with a 12:45 airing of Dragonheart (Dennis Quaid and a dragon voiced by Sean Connery!) followed by a 3pm re-run of Reign of Fire (You could stay tuned for a 5pm Batman Begins and 8pm Terminator 2: Judgment Day as well, if you were feeling particularly lazy).

If you'd rather get a delayed British take on the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, then James May On The Moon (BBC America at 8pm) takes Top Gear's Captain Slow and puts him in the driver's seat for an hour long look back at those heady days where men were men and the Moon seemed an obtainable destination.

Otherwise, click over to ABC for the second episode of V and see whether it still feels like FlashForward meets... Well, the old V, really (The official PR for the episode says "A seeker among the Visitors tracks Erica and Father Jack. Chad seeks redemption by investigating the aliens ahead of his next newscast while law enforcers press Erica for information concerning Dale M…").

Wednesday

Thank God for Mythbusters on the Discovery Channel at 9pm. Without their investigation into whether cars will automatically burst into flames after crashing (Surely we have empirical proof that the answer is no already?), I'd have to find some way to pretend that Glee (Fox at 9) was a scifi show just to have something to write about for today. I figured I could always claim that it was set in an alternate reality where people aren't creeped out by Will Schuester trying to rap.

Thursday
If it's Thursday, then it's time for all the shows to run up against each other again. Sure, you could pretend that the networks aren't showing anything and watch a double bill of Demolition Man and End of Days on AMC (Sly and Arnold! In two of their most underrated - for a reason - movies! It starts at 8pm, if you're tempted), after spending the day watching Syfy's Star Trek: Enterprise marathon (8am through 3pm, as ever), but come on. I know that you can't resist the big shows people are talking about.

On FlashForward (ABC, 8pm), Aaron discovers the truth about his daughter's death, Janis returns to work and Mark and Olivia's martial troubles bring everyone down yet again, man. Things are much more fun over in Mystic Falls where Vampire Diaries (the CW at 8pm) brings a mysterious new teacher, arguments over medallions and, according to the CW, "Damon finally reveals to Stefan the stunning reason he has returned to Mystic Falls." If I watched the show and/or cared, I couldn't wait!

9pm brings the real reason to wrestle over the remote; Fringe on Fox gives Olivia, Broyles and Peter a new reason to be suspicious of Massive Dynamic when the impossibly shady corporation turn out to be involved in a kidnapping case, but Supernatural (The CW) looks much more fun than even Walter Bishop could provide:

Super fan Becky uses Chuck's phone to trick Sam and Dean into attending a Supernatural fan convention, complete with fans dressed up as Sam and Dean. One of the activities is a live action role-playing game, but things quickly turn sour after a real ghost appears on the scene.

Seriously. How could anyone resist that?

Friday

Jericho fans! You have the Syfy marathon of the day (8am through 3pm, which I'm sure you already know by now) to keep you happy during the daylight hours; the rest of us will be watching the original The War Of The Worlds movie on AMC at 10:15am (And avoiding the following Star Trek: Nemesis at 12:15pm, a movie which can best be described by blogger Kevin Church here), instead.

Still, Friday evening starts the weekend off right with the double bill of Batman: The Brave and The Bold ("The Fate of Equinox!" Yes, the exclamation point is part of the title) and Star Wars: The Clone Wars (following last week's surprisingly brutal, "Are Jedi really advocating using flame throwers against living beings what the hell?" episode) on Cartoon Network, starting at 7:30pm (Clone Wars is at 8pm, if you have an aversion of Batman. And if you do, then I'm very, very sorry.)

If you're in the mood for MOR dramas teasing the supernatural, then CBS is the place to be tonight, with new episodes of both Ghost Whisperer (8pm, with Jennifer Love Hewitt "pulled into a murder mystery by a real estate power couple" - Yes, this is what people want to watch, apparently) and Medium (9pm, which at least includes a potentially amusing-for-the-wrong-reasons subplot about posting videos of someone on the internet and "getting into trouble") on offer.

The rest of us, we'll be considering Smallville on the CW at 8pm (It features the Wonder Twins! You know you want to), Stargate Universe on Syfy at 9pm (The crew of the Destiny get a message from their future selves from the past. Or something) and Sanctuary on the same channel at 10pm.

Saturday

If you're not looking forward to Syfy's Ice Twisters at 9pm ("A sci-fi novelist is summoned to help scientists after an experiment in weather manipulation goes awry and produces deadly tornadoes made of ice," apparently), then we'd suggest that AMC's double bill of trilogies is the best way to spend your day. Start with the Mad Max trilogy (Movies starting 1:30, 3:30 and 5:30pm) before a night of The Matrix trilogy (The three movies begin at 8pm, 11pm and 1am on Sunday, respectively). Otherwise, the only thing left is Discovery's Surviving 2012... which is about all the prophecies, and not, sadly, advice on making it through Roland Emmerich's latest.

Sunday

It's the best night of television this week! Who knew, right? Start things off right with Syfy's latest screening of Serenity at 6:30 before switching over midway through - Hopefully missing Alan Tudyk's least favorite scene ever in the process - to catch the premiere of AMC's brand new take on The Prisoner at 8pm. If Ian McKellan and Jim Caviezel can't bring Patrick McGoohan's classic paranoiafest back to life, I'm going to be very depressed.

Of course, the best way to finish the evening off is coming at midnight, with the latest episode of The Venture Bros on Cartoon Network. Can we all just admit that it's the smartest and funniest show on television already?

Monday

If you didn't lose most of your Sunday to Syfy's V marathon, don't despair; they're continuing it today, from 8am through 7pm (And then again tomorrow, starting at 8am again). Jane Badler fanatics of the world, unite for one last time before Morena Baccarin takes over. Talking of remakes of beloved shows, AMC have a 15 minute Prisoner Preview at 2:45, teasing the reboot that premieres later this month (It re-runs throughout the week, if you miss it).

Of course, Monday wouldn't be Monday without Heroes; this week is the much-anticipated "Once Upon A Time In Texas" episode that sees Hiro try to save Charlie's life again, even though I thought we'd conclusively proven way back in the first season that he couldn't do that. Oh, Heroes, suddenly that House re-run on Fox at the same time seems that bit more interesting...

Tuesday

Having presumably primed yourself with the end of Syfy's V marathon, you'll be eagerly anticipating the premiere of ABC's brand new, now-with-extra-Scott-Wolf V, for the first of four weeks before a winter break. We reviewed it at Comic-Con and were pleasantly surprised by the "creepy and intriguing" update of the classic show. Here are the first eight minutes or so:

Meanwhile, AMC and FX are showing off their superhero movie chops: AMC has a doublebill of Batman and Batman Returns starting at 8, while FX shows the better-than-the-first-but-that's-not-necessarily-saying-much Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer at the same time.

Wednesday

Get your humpday started properly with AMC showing of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie at 9:45 in the morning, and then stick around for Reign of Fire - one of our favorite dragon war movies ever - at 3pm. In fact, when you add in more showings of Batman, Batman Returns and Batman Forever (at 8pm) and Batman Begins (at 10:30), you could pretty much just leave your television tuned to AMC all day.

But if you did that, you'd miss a new episode of Eastwick at 10pm on ABC. Considering I've never seen the show, I'll just quote the summary instead:

After Chad visits her one last time in a dream, a grieving Roxie resolves to fulfill his last wish — if she can figure out what it is. Hounded by Max, her replacement at the Gazette, about her kidnapping ordeal, Joanna grapples with her own lingering questions while dodging his and Kat, startled by a newfound ability, realizes that Bun's old friend Eleanor Rougement may have answers for both of them.

For those looking for documentary-esque thrills, Mythbusters investigate liquid nitrogen myths in a new episode at 9pm on the Discovery Channel, and, after rocking a marathon of Destination Truth from 8am through 3pm (There's also a new episode on at 9), Syfy celebrates the power of brand loyalty by bringing in Warehouse 13's Eddie McClintock to help track down the "Ghost Of Buffalo Bill" on a brand new episode of Ghost Hunters at 8pm.

Thursday

As if the V marathons earlier in the week weren't enough, Syfy has a Threshold marathon starting at 8am and running until 3 in the afternoon. Remember Threshold?

Because it's Thursday, it's time to give your TiVos a workout. At 8pm, you can choose between a new episode of FlashForward on ABC -

Mark, Demetri, Gough and MI6 agent Fiona Banks investigate a Blue Hand club and its possible connection to some recent suicides. Meanwhile, Aaron receives a surprise visit from a former army buddy of his late daughter's, Demetri comes clean with Zoey about his lack of a flashforward, and Nicole helps Bryce uncover the mystery of his flashforward while volunteering at the hospital.

- or a new Vampire Diaries on the CW:

On his birthday, Stefan is surprised by a visit from Lexi, one of his oldest friends. Still upset by the events at the Halloween haunted house, Elena does her best to stay away from Stefan, but Lexi gives her some unsolicited relationship advice. Elena and Jenna are surprised by a change in Jeremy's behavior. At Damon's insistence, Caroline tries to get his medallion back from Bonnie. Finally, Damon's offer to help Sheriff Forbes has sudden and tragic results.

Similarly, 9pm brings a choice between Fringe on Fox -

The Fringe Division takes on a puzzling investigation where victims are inexplicably disintegrating into ash. The shadowy case casts light on Special Agent Phillip Broyles' past and leads the team to the possibility of foreign Fringe Science. Emotions run high as the alarming events stack up and revealing personal details emerge about the leader of the Fringe Division.

- and what looks like a very fun episode of Supernatural on the CW:

The Trickster throws Sam and Dean into an alternate universe where they are characters in different television series, including a sexy medical show, a Japanese game show, a forensics show and a sitcom. The brothers realize the only way to get out of this world is to play along and become the characters in the shows. However, Castiel appears and warns them this universe is dangerous and they must get out before they become trapped.

(My suggestion: Watch FlashForward and Fringe live, TiVo Supernatural and try to pretend Vampire Diaries doesn't exist. Sorry, Kevin Williamson.)

Friday

Today's Syfy marathon? The third season of Doctor Who. Again, it starts at 8am: Set your TiVo to relive the awesomeness that is Martha Jones. Otherwise, you'll be left with nothing to watch until Smallville on the CW at 8 (Jor-El meets Chloe, Clark realizes that a younger version of his dad is on Earth and Zod keeps disappointing in the villain stakes).

That's followed by the Syfy double bill of Stargate Universe at 9 (Wherein Richard Dean Anderson guests with a crazy plan about how to bring the accidental crew of the Destiny home. Spoiler: It's only the sixth episode: It's not going to work), and Sanctuary at 10 (Magnus wakes up with no idea where she is, or why everything around her has been destroyed. I know how she feels).

If you're feeling like you're missing old friends, though, you could always tune in to White Collar on USA at 9, which counts Fringe's dear departed Charlie and The Middleman's Natalie Morales amongst its cast this week. Plus, of course, Matt Bomer, whom everyone keeps telling me is the new David Tennant in dreaminess quotant.

Saturday

Syfy seems to have forgotten that Halloween was the week before, with three horror movies: Open Graves (starring a pre-Dollhouse Eliza Dushku), in which American students abroad find a deadly boardgame, the remake of The Amityville Horror, and From Within, which apparently has something to do with a Christian questioning her faith when people around her get gruesomely slaughtered.

Thankfully, the movie that follows those three, Snakehead Terror features both snake-headed mutant pirhanas and Bruce Boxeleitner, so things seem to getting back to normal in the end. (Open Graves starts at 4, and each following movie comes two hours later).

Sunday

Worried about the truth behind Roland Emmerich's new destructo movie? Then don't watch 2012: Startling New Secrets on Syfy, which sounds as if it treads the fine line between Destination Truth-esque knowing parody and tacky sensationalism. Which, come to think of it, sounds pretty like the 2012 movie itself, actually... Instead, finish off your weekend with "Return To Malice," the latest, and no doubt entirely awesome, episode of The Venture Bros. on Cartoon Network at midnight. Let's face it: Brock would be disappointed if you didn't.

Monday:

House -
A police officer with a fear of heart disease heads to Princeton General on FOX at 8 PM. Because that's what apparently killed the last three generations of men in his family at age 40, he's terrified of the same. But was that really what it was? Also, the Darth Vader dictator's case is still hanging over Chase's head (I love House, but I'm so over this storyline) and House faces ghosts from his past ("ghosts"? We can hope).

Heroes -
On NBC at 8 PM, the newly found Sylar is led by Samuel on a voyage of self-discovery, while the arrival of Hiro proves fortuitous for Emma and her abilities. Meanwhile, Peter is asking Noah for help finding someone to heal Hiro.

Big Bang Theory -
Wil Wheaton guest stars as a participant in a trading card competition. Turns out Sheldon has a deep seated resentment for him, so he enters the competition too. Also, Wolowitz asks Penny to set him up with one of her friends, on CBS at 8:30 PM.

Extreme Paranormal -
A team of paranormal investigators, on A&E at 10 PM, use extreme measures (such as replicating deaths to "invoke" the ghosts of those killed in a 1980 riot) to find what's haunting the New Mexico State Penitentiary.

Movies:

Experience the flaming-skull magic once again! Nic Cage is Johnny Blaze in Ghost Rider on FX at 8 PM.

Tuesday:

Nova -
Lizard expert Eric Pianka tracks down the elusive monitor lizard in Australia, and showcases them using "lizard-cam" technology on PBS at 8 PM.

Ghost Lab -
The brothers head to Chicago on Discovery Channel at 10 PM and also to the Mortuary in New Orleans.

Movies:

A San Francisco detective helps an alien cop track down an otherworldly murderer in Alien Nation, on the Fox Movie Channel at 8 PM

Wednesday:

Spectacular Spider-Man -
It's Valentine's Day and Peter jeopardizes his relationship with Liz Allen to stop a meeting between Tombstone, Hammerhead and Doc Oc. And on Disney XD at 9 PM, only Spider-Man can head off the impending gang war.

Ghost Hunters -
On Syfy at 9 PM the team probes Chicago's Congress Theater's claims of floating apparitions and disembodied voices.

MythBusters -
Which has better gas mileage: clean cars or dirty ones? On Discovery Channel at 9 PM, it's the "hangover episode," where Tori, Kari and Grant study myths stemming from beer and liquor.

Destination Truth -
Incan ruins are investigated on Syfy at 10 PM and the team looks for evidence of a humongous bird in Alaska.

Eastwick -
Some sorta of crazy moon beam eclipse thingy is affecting the women on ABC at 10 PM, and it's leading them all to free their inhibitions. Meaning, Kat gets freaky on top of a piano, Roxie and Mia have an awkward moment with the cute brothers they're each involved with and Joanna runs a troubling story.

Movies:

On Disney at 8 PM, Mom's Got a Date with a Vampire. One of Sabrina the Teenage Witch's aunt has a date with The Nanny's employer, who happens to be a vamp, too.

Thursday:

FlashForward -
On ABC at 8 PM, Mark has to answer to the Senate, in order to get the team funding and I hope we get to see more of his flash-forward in the process. Janis (the possibly pregnant-in-the-future FBI agent) questions her flash in regards to her current relationship status. Also, Olivia finds out some interesting tidbits about Mark's flash — possibly about the prevalence of alcohol in it?

Movies:

Bill Murray and crew are headed out to protect the city on AMC at 5:30 PM for Ghostbusters II.

Friday:

Batman: The Brave and the Bold -
On Cartoon Network at 7:30 PM we finally get to hear Neil Patrick Harris as the Music Meister as he uses his power to hijack a satellite, so he can control people with music... and take over the world. Yay for singing villains.

Ghost Whisperer -
On CBS at 8 PM, the whisperer must help Chad Lowe come to terms with his past and the ghost that's making him pay for it.

Smallville -
Oliver's kidnapped by Victoria (aka Roulette) and warned that his life is danger. Then, when he's arrested for Victoria's death, Oliver turns to Chloe for help. Also, Ms. Lane is upset with Clark for keeping Oliver's suicide attempt a secret, all on CW at 8 PM.

Dollhouse -
Finally, the way Sierra came to be a doll is revealed when she faces her Rossum Corp connection as an Active, on FOX at 9 PM. And of course, her link includes obsession and murder. This episode is directed by Jonathan "Will Riker" Frakes, who also directed several episodes of Roswell.

Stargate Universe -
Destiny seems primed for a collision with a star, and of course all her power goes out, too, leading the crew to consider abandoning her on Syfy at 9 PM. With a name like Destiny, though, are they serious? Apparently so, as they hold a lottery to fill the only working escape shuttle.

Sanctuary -
Magnus takes in those ousted by the Cabal in the attacks on the Tokyo and London sanctuaries, and Kate sets a one-of-a-kind creature free, on Syfy at 10 PM.

Movies:

An Alien breeds inside Sigourney Weaver, on AMC at 8 PM.

Saturday:

Movies:

Silly college kids take a wrong turn and end up mixed up with real (live?) deadly ghosts in Ghost Town on Syfy at 9 PM.

Sunday:

Movies:

On Encore at 10:15 PM Pierce Brosnan tries to warn of an impending volcanic eruption a little too late, in Dante's Peak.

Monday:

House</em -
On FOX at 8 PM Foreman's preparing to explain the death of a dictator to the review board, while King Midas incarnate is realizing just how cursed he is when his son falls under House's care ... or, Foreman's care, as the team remains his for now.

Heroes -
Lydia's alarmed on NBC at 8 PM, when Samuel tries to extend his brood. Peter makes a connection with a reluctant Emma over some swooshy lights, and Sylar tries to remember who he used to be. Also, Gretchen reveals her hidden agenda to Claire, and we get the lesbian kiss many people have been watching this season for. But then what will we watch it for after that?

Big Bang Theory -
Immigration is coming for Raj unless he gets a new job, so Sheldon hires him. When did Sheldon start a business? Also, Howard really doesn't get the concept of third wheel with Leonard and Penny on CBS at 8:30 PM.

Movies:

Global warming attacks the planet and Dennis Quaid must save ... as many as he can in The Day After Tomorrow on FX at 5:30 PM. Psyche yourself up for 2012 with a reminder of Emmerich's appetite for destruction.

Tuesday:

Ghost Lab -
The brothers examine the evidence of ghosts in Arizona, including a full body photograph of an apparition, on Discovery Channel at 10 PM.

STARZ: INSIDE ZOMBIEMANIA -
Move over vamps — zombies have risen to take over. Richard Roeper hosts a look at Zombies through the film lens of history on Starz at 10 PM. The piece takes look at zombies and their starring roles in films being with 1932's White Zombie and up to 28 Days Later. Writer/director/zombie aficionado George A. Romero and the author of Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z, Max Brooks, are featured along with others influential in the zombie movement.

Movies:

After zombies on Starz, at 11 PM watch a plague infect residents in Quarantine.

Wednesday:

Ghost Hunters -
TAPS heads north of the border on Syfy at 9 PM to investigate Canada's Fort Henry, the nation's most haunted locale.

Destination Truth -
The team enjoys a Turkish dance troupe on Syfy at 10 PM.

Eastwick -
Joanna's ex-fiance (wait, what?!) surprises her before her date with Will tonight on ABC at 10 PM. Meanwhile, Roxie starts investigating her killer roommate, and Kat turns to a divorce attorney — finally.

Movies:

Joshua Jackson is a photographer who's haunted by mysterious images of a woman who supposedly died in a car crash in Tokyo, in Shutter, on HBO at 5:30 PM.

Thursday:

FlashForward -
Remember Bryce? The suicidal doctor? On ABC at 8 PM, he thinks a flash is the key to a patient's recovery but Olivia's skeptical (and with her trouble with flashes, who wouldn't be?). Demetri and Mark's flashes are dividing them and Nicole (the creepy kid's babysitter) shares her flash: murder. Wait, wasn't she trying to atone for the future previously?

Vampire Diaries -
Stefan's on a truth kick and reveals to Elena his family's history, and how his rivalry with Damon got started. Damon, meanwhile is trying to take control of Vicki's life, causing, well, some problems obviously. And the sheriff and mayor try to keep every safe-ish on CW at 8 PM.

Supernatural -
The boys are traveling again, this time to see an 11-year-old boy whose beliefs all come true. Too bad his conjurings also include the monsters of lore. Cas thinks this child's a threat and wants him... taken out, on CW at 9 PM.

Fringe -
On FOX at 9 PM the team started decoding dreams when people are being turned into monsters via what sounds like a backdoor in their brains. And Broyles meets with Nina Sharp — whoa, is more lip-locking action in store?

Movies:

On Cinemax at 5:45 PM is the Edward Norton-version of Incredible Hulk, featuring two spectacular cameos by Lou Ferrigno.

Friday:

Batman: The Brave and the Bold -
The Dark Knight returns to Cartoon Network at 7:30 PM, to fight the metal man Shrapnel, with OMAC by his side.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars -
On Cartoon Network at 8 PM, Padmé is investigating a Separatist conspiracy, when the Jedi Council asks for her help.

Ghost Whisperer -
Melinda heads to the morgue when she's haunted by the ghost of a surgeon who's stuck reliving a failed operation on CBS at 8 PM.

Smallville -
The Blur is becoming an outlaw, and who knows how he'll react when Jor-El gives him the power to hear people's thoughts. Elsewhere, the Toyman is crashing a Queen Industries party to get to Oliver and force him to admit he killed Lex on CW at 8 PM.

Stargate Universe -
On Syfy at 9 PM, the ship's power reserves dip to a critical level, and the crew is ordered to use the power for essential services only — but we've seen how well they obey orders already. Plus, Rush announces they won't survive past a few days, so that should help with the whole "morale" thing.

Sanctuary -
The Cabal attacks sanctuaries around the world, using Ashley in support of their cause. Tesla an Henry try to defuse the the onslaught, without killing Ashley of course, on Syfy at 10 PM.

Movies:

Gene Hackman stars as a man fending off death in the ocean in The Poseidon Adventure on FMC at 6 PM.

Saturday:

In lieu of their usual Saturday night movie, Syfy is doing a Saw mini-marathon. The puzzle begins at 4:30 PM and covers the first three movies.

Sunday:

Super Hero Squad Show -
A bratty little kid gets control of the world with the help of a sparkly magic tiara. Time for the squad to think like kids if they want to save the world, on the Cartoon Network at 7 PM

Venture Brothers -
The Bros. are back, and Captain Sunshine is joining them. Plus, is Brock seriously gone for good?!? Find out on Cartoon Network at 11:30 PM.

Movies:

Wolvesbayne is a new movie about a werewolf hero who takes on a vampire cult, on Syfy at 9 PM.

Monday:

House -
James Earl Jones plays an African dictator charged with crimes against humanity, who's checked into the hospital. Meanwhile, Wilson is still dealing with the crazy-addict-without-an-outlet House on FOX at 8 PM.

Heroes -
On NBC at 8 PM, Hiro tries to forget his own problems by helping strangers in trouble. Angela tiptoes with Nathan around his past and Tracey makes a splash in an effort to get her job back.

Big Bang Theory -
Furthering complicating your DVRing, on CBS at 9:30 PM Sheldon tries to Pavlov's Dog Penny, but using chocolate, instead of ... dog food or whatever. The other single boys try to pick up women at a Goth nightclub, and let's hope that Leonard and Penny actually have better sex soon.

Movies:

Please join me in reliving your childhood, and watch Halloweentown on Disney at 8 PM. Debbie Reynolds lives in a town where Halloween is a way of life. All Hallow's Eve is now threatened and she and her grandchildren must save the day in typical Disney fashion.

Tuesday:

The Universe -
Space based weapons and battles! Tonight on History Channel at 9 PM Universe covers the possibility of such awesome epicness — what it could look like, how it'd work, and and just how destructive it would truly be. Let's hope they cover lasers and death stars.

Ghost Lab -
Discovery Channel has their own paranormal/ghost hunting team now and this new show at 10 PM sends their team to Louisiana to investigate the haunting claims of Shreveport Municipal auditorium an Myrtles Plantation. Basically, this team uses tech and science to explain strange phenomena.

Movies:

Jurassic Park, where dinosaurs are the inhabitants and humans are the dessert, is on Cinemax at 5:45 PM.

Wednesday:

MythBusters -
The boys are back in town on Discovery at 9 PM, with bullets and socks. Tonight, they solve the question: which will hit the ground first, a falling bullet or a fired one? And they also try to determine if you can literally knock someone's socks off.

Ghost Hunters -
Tonight on Syfy at 9 PM the team investigates the USS Salem for bumps... and, oh yeah, ghosts.

Destination Truth -
The destination gang travels to Chile to probe about a possible UFO sighting on Syfy at 10 PM.

Eastwick -
Roxie's haunted by a ghost, and that creepy ant lady from the pilot, Bun, is awake from her coma. She knows more about Darryl than we're privy to yet, but now she's obsessed with a curious symbol (is it the same one as on Roxie's murdering neighbor?) and Kat is refusing a divorce lawyer ... and maybe even a divorce? And of course our trusty investigator Joanna is digging away on ABC at 10 PM.

Movies:

Milla Jovovich and female empowerment may be the only reasons Oxygen is showing the zombie/corporate greed-fueled epic Resident Evil: Apocalypse at 8 PM. But there are many, many reasons to check it out.

Thursday:

FlashForward -
That creepy German prisoner we've seen in previews is finally showing up, when Mark and Janis travel to Germany to ask him for some "important information" about the blackout. Demetri, with his newfound knowledge of his death day, is all abuzz over some more terrible news, and Aaron (Mark's AA buddy for those of you having trouble keeping up already) turns to Mark for help exhuming his daughter's body, or at least where it should be. The show's already large ensemble gets bigger, on ABC at 8 PM.

Vampire Diaries -
Stefan is carefully revealing bits and pieces about his past to Elena, who goes on to hear some strange and scary things about the Salvatore fam. Psychic Bonnie seeks out her grandmother for help discerning an learning more about her ... ability, on CW at 8 PM.

Supernatural -
The Paris Hilton episode is here! Rejoice in her self-satirizing willingness to be exploited on television. Or just revel in her terrible acting and incredible stung-casting as a celebrity-impersonating demon (or ghost?). Tonight on the CW at 9 PM, the citizens of a small town are dropping at the hands of dead icons, like ... Abraham Lincoln? And James Dean's car?

Fringe -
On FOX at 9 PM, Olivia and the Scooby gang are hunting down shape-shifters, and Walter is busy making a cocktail for Liv to help her remember what Spock told her in the other dimension.

Movies:

An army of vamps has a blood orgy in Alaska, in the graphic-novel adaptation 30 Days of Night on Encore at 8 PM.

Friday:

Star Wars: The Clone Wars -
Cad Bane's new mission, on Cartoon Network at 8 PM, is to kidnap kids who are force-sensitive and bring them to Mustafar for Sith training.

Ghost Whisperer -
Eli's father has a heart attack that leads him to a reunion with his dead mother. Turns out she had a secret before her death, and it must've been a whopper because she hasn't crossed over yet. The secret's out on CBS at 8 PM.

Smallville -
Lois is infected by a zombie plague that Zod has cursed upon the city. The cure is in the blood of a Kryptonian, but Clark can't get involved without revelaing his identity to Zod, on the CW at 8 PM.

Dollhouse -
On FOX at 9 PM, Echo is a free-wheeling coed and Victor is a psychotic nephew. So needless to say, they have a tiff while imprinted.

Stargate Universe -
On Syfy at 9 PM a search team combs a desert planet for a vital mineral necessary for restoring life support aboard the Destiny. But it turns out their window of opportunity is closing fast. Also, Chloe reachies out to her mother, using the communication stones.

Sanctuary -
Afterward, on Syfy at 10 PM, the season premiere gives us Magnus as she's searching for Ashley, putting her and her allies at odds with con-artist Kate Freelander: a woman with ties to the Cabal, who divulges secrets almost immediately.

Movies:

The sequel that should really only exist inside a sealed-off virtual world, The Matrix Reloaded, is on MTV at 7 PM. Have yourself a chocolate-cake orgasm, with the sequel that proved trilogies aren't such a great idea.

Saturday:

Movies:

The venerable Brittany Murphy stars in Megafault on Syfy at 9 PM. More importantly, Green Arrow himself, Justin Hartley co-stars. When an earthquake threatens to split the world, a seismologist and a miner get involved. What're they gonna do? Stitch it back together? Sure, why not.

Sunday:

Movies:

Did you know they made a Butterfly Effect 3? It's appropriately called The Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations and is on Syfy at 7 PM. Basically, time-traveling boy accidentally unleashes a serial killer while trying to solve the mystery of his girlfriend's death.

Monday:

House -
How long will we have to suffer with this kinder, gentler House? Probably not for too much longer, as Foreman is now in control of the medical scooby gang. Can't wait to see which upstart doctor House makes cry this time, over on FOX at 8 PM.

Day After Disaster -
In the event of a nuclear attack, the first 24 hours are the most critical for deciding how many people live or die - so says the History Channel. Learn the Department of Homeland Security's plan for a nuclear attack on Washington D.C. at 8 PM.

Heroes -
While dealing with the repercussions of his heroism, Peter meets a new woman with special abilities. Claire is dealing with the ripples of her choices as well, with the revelation of her secret to her nosy new roommate. Elsewhere, Samuel hunts for memories of his brother, and Matt deals with the return of Sylar. Come on, NBC: let's keep this "not horrible Heroes" streak going, at 8 PM.

Big Bang Theory -
Lewis Black guest stars as an entomologist helping the boys settle a bet regarding the species of a cricket on CBS this week. Back on the ranch, Leonard and Penny are trying a different approach after awkward intimacy check at 9:30 PM.

Movies:

The Teen Titans track down criminal mastermind Brushogun in Teen Titans: Trouble in Tokyo on Cartoon Network at 6:30 PM.

Tuesday:

The Universe -
Studying star clusters, both open and globular, and what they reveal about the nature of galaxies and the expansion of the universe. Make a wrinkle in your brain with the History Channel at 9 PM.

Movies:

In The Eye, Jessica Alba gets some poor dead girl's eyes, and suddenly she can see. As if that's not crazy enough, she begins to see dead people — not in the same awesome way as Haley Joel Osment, more in a totally creepy way that requires her to hunt down the original owner of her eyes. That's on Showtime at 8:15 PM.

Wednesday:

Ghost Hunters -
Famous rocker Meat Loaf (no, seriously) heads out with the team to investigate an allegedly haunted island in New York. This will be the first Ghost Hunters that we're actually excited about. But if he doesn't sing, we're out. Eddie is back at 9 PM on the Syfy Channel.

Destination Truth -
Ghost sightings near the site of the Chernobyl disaster send Josh and the team to the Ukraine on Syfy at 10 PM.

Eastwick -
So just who is that devilishly handsome stranger that rode into town on the back of the wind who can stir up sex? And exactly how does one stir sex? Well ABC is determined to show you, in a PG manner, at 10 PM. Joanna and Penny try to unearth some real facts about Darryl Van Horne, talking to a reporter and an eccentric shut-in. Back in town, Roxie and her daughter deal with the repercussions of her "date night" and Kat tries to get out of her marriage without resorting to killing her husband.

Movies:

The most recent, anti-climactic X-Files movie — that's The X-Files: I want to Believe in case you've already blocked it out — is on Cinemax at 8:15 PM.

Thursday:

FlashForward -
What's more important than the present? Every person on the planet is now a prophet, and it's terribly dangerous. Or maybe magically delicious. As the cast struggles to figure out how to bring forth, or avoid, their individual visions, we see more characters, more offshoots, and more of Dominic Monaghan. But who was that mysterious figure in the Detroit Stadium and why, of all places for the FBI to be checking, did they decide to hit up that venue first? All the answer will most likely not be explained, on ABC at 8 PM.

Vampire Diaries -
The CW continues to push the vampire fetish right off a clip at 8 PM. This week Elena allows Stefan to take her to the Founder's Party where of course temptation incarnate, Damon, tells her about his family's past — leading Elena to question Stefan to no avail.

Supernatural -
All I really want is to see Sarah Palin as President in the post-apocalyptic world of 2014. Don't get me wrong - definitely, NEVER EVER in real life. But tonight, as the literal bromance spends more time apart, we see an alternate reality where the Alaskan runs the country, Sam becomes Lucifer's vessel, and Castiel loves orgies (despite how well his last sexual foray went). On CW at 9 PM.

Fringe -
This week on "what will Walter say next," a bomb goes off at a Philadelphia train station. The gang is stumped, Peter is sassy, Olivia is tough and they all go to Iraq because: time peg! Let's hope this means we're dragging skeletons out of Peter's closet, since he spent quite some time there. Don't miss the Easter Egg-filled goodness on FOX at 9 PM.

Movies:

Marvel's spinoff The Meteor Man makes his movie debut (and finale?) as a bumbling inner-city superhero battling crime, and heights. On BET at 8 PM.

Friday:

Star Wars: The Clone Wars -
The second season begins tonight with two episodes, as Cad Bane attempts to steal a Jedi Holocron and Anakin and Ahsoka hunt him down. Cartoon Network delivers the Star Wars we never even knew we wanted, but now can't live without, at 8 PM.

Ghost Whisperer -
There is an evil chain mail this week. Seriously an EVIL CHAIN MAIL. So in order to avoid getting caught up in the EVIL CHAIN MAIL link, send 4 emails to CBS asking them to bring back Moonlight. Then watch Ghost Whisperer at 8 PM, or just send CBS the emails...your call.

Smallville -
John Corben is transformed into a cyborg after a car accident. As a machine man, he uses his newfound strength and powers to hunt down The Blur, and kidnaps Lois to do so. We're still waiting for CW to roll out the Wonder Twins episode, so we can stop watching already. But Brian Austin Green, who plays Corben, will tide us over until then. Don't miss the shirtless Kryptonite-powered cyborg action at 8 PM.

Dollhouse -
Echo's maternal instincts kick in on the job when she's imprinted with the emotions of a new mother. Alexis Denisof returns as Sen. Perrin and continues his hunt for the prostitution ring known as the Dollhouse. And Adelle visits November, because maybe she's not as done as a doll as we previously thought. Fox rolls out the second episode of Dollhouse season two, at 9 PM.

Stargate Universe -
The "darkest installment of the" Stargates launches this week, with a two-hour premiere, calculated to give even newbies a chance to jump in. Robert Carlyle plays Dr. Nicolas Rush, a man intent on ... well, actually we're not entirely sure. He does, however, assemble a team to tame the mysterious ninth gate, which leads to an undiscovered expanse of space. Eli, played by David Blue, is the young hotshot Rush has brought along to "voluntarily" lend his brain. The third Stargate show gives us familiar cast members (with guests Amanda Tapping and Richard Dean Anderson) but a much darker Stargate this time around — and forget exploration: the piecemeal team must work on surviving, first and foremost, on Syfy at 9 PM.

Spoiler alert? Witness two possible deaths in this four-minute preview from Syfy.

Movies:

Nic Cage uses his powers of future vision to help prevent a terrorist attack in Next on FX at 6 PM. So ... how can he foresee an attack if his "power" only allows him a two minute glimpse into the future?

Saturday:

Movies:

In a description so boring and vague that you have to wonder why they're hiding that obvious images of demons and the devil, a young Christian girl has her faith shaken when suicides rock her small town, in From Within on Syfy at 7 PM.

Sunday:

Raging Planet -
The fury of blizzards are examined on the Discovery Channel, via computer simulations. The 1995 "arctic hurricane" that devastated Tromso, Norway, is examined using archival footage and testimonials. Moral of the story? Don't get caught in a blizzard if you can avoid it. Those suckers are earth wreckers. Unleash the furry at 10 PM.

Movies:

The Incredibles makes you wonder if Marvel and Disney weren't in bed before now, on the Disney Channel at 9 PM.

Monday:

Heroes -
Redemption does not come easy in the two-hour season premiere, on NBC at 8 PM. Claire, trying to escape her past, heads to college (with that possible lesbian tryst coming up) and garners more attention than she would like following a strange death. Matriarch Angela worries that her son Nathan will truly self-actualize; and Peter, while trying to use his powers for good, must turn and help a friend in need. In the meantime, a mysterious clan is on their way to greet a familiar face.

The Big Bang Theory -
Why did Leonard go to the arctic circle?! What was he thinking? Because now, when Sheldon throws a hissy fit and takes off for Texas, after the boys' experiment, the friends follow... killing Leonard's chance for a romantic reunion with Penny. Your poking and prodding us to commit already and include this show has finally worked, so tune in to CBS at 9:30 PM.

House
So just how crazy is the smartest doctor on television? Here's hoping he kicks the dead girl out of his brain — we've got insane diseases to cure and it's never Lupus. Yes, we are covering House now you all win again. The two hour season premiere is at 8 PM on Fox tonight.

Movies:
Ben Stiller brings all the wax things to life at the Museum of Natural History and then slaps around a monkey: Comedy! Night At The Museum is on FX at 5:30 PM.

Tuesday:

Say goodbye to Warehouse 13 the right way, with an all day Syfy marathon starting at 9 AM.

Warehouse 13 -
In the season finale (yes, it's only been a dozen episodes, but man, haven't they been fairly awesome?!) Artie and our agents catch up to MacPherson when he's trying to sell off items he's stolen from the warehouse. Did he even think this plan through? Oh, wait, yes. Turns out he's had a plan the whole time. Say goodbye to America's attic, for now, at 9 PM on Syfy.

The Universe -
Will the apocalypse destroy Earth itself? Or will some villain hurl it into the sun? Tonight, ten scenarios for Earth's destruction are imagined. Included: annihilating it with antimatter, being sucked into a black hole, and stopping gravity itself. Enjoy your favorite apocalyptic moments, on the History Channel at 9 PM.

The Colony -
Tonight on the Discovery Channel at10 PM the "survivors" wait is over. The colonists have managed to establish food for themselves, build weapons to fortify their positions, come up with renewable energy and built their own cooking and sanitation systems. Now can the colonists complete their escape truck and fortify their defenses before the marauder's final offensive drive?

Wednesday:

Eastwick -
Seriously, this "Desperate Housewitches" new show looks trashy and outrageous, and has definite potential to become the show we watch religiously but never tell anyone about. Anyway, the show centers around three women who bump coins and are suddenly intertwined in each other's lives. When a mysterious devilish man makes his way into town, he'll either teach the women how to harness their powers, or let their freak flags fly. Or both. The adaptation of John Updike's The Witches of Eastwick begins tonight on ABC at 10 PM.

Destination Truth -
Josh and the team investigate King Tut's curse by locking Josh inside the tomb and trying not to let him fall asleep ... or get killed by the most famous Egyptian, at 10 PM on the Syfy Channel

Thursday:

FlashForward -
FlashForward is ABC's slightly less trashy attempt at adapting a famous novel. Based on the classic book by Robert J. Sawyer, the television series changes more than a little of the original storyline about people seeing the future. On the small screen, it has become a star-studded ensemble, including a mysterious man named Simon (played by Dominic Monaghan). People around the world glimpse two minutes and 17 seconds of their future, six months ahead of time, causing mass casualties and terrible panic. Our first protagonists, Mark and Demetri, are thrown into a car crash following the worldwide blackout. Back at FBI headquarters, they try to figure out how to begin to make sense of the reason behind the blackouts, on ABC at 8 PM

Take a look at the first 17 minutes here if you dare. Bonus points if you can spot the Famous Jett Jackson and Seth MacFarlane in this promo.

Vampire Diaries -
This week in this "still not True Blood" show, Elena tries not to listen to her friend's warning about Stefan's weird vibes as he begins to ... try to fit in at high school like a regular teen. Instead, Elena invites Stefan to dinner with her and Bonnie, to try to get the two on better terms, but the romance is interrupted by Damon and easily impressionable Caroline. It's vampires and teen drama and boring sad men who wear terrible man-rings only on the CW at 8 PM.

Supernatural -
Sam's ready to hang it all up, give up on chasing demons and angels, but then he meets a mysterious girl who threatens to change his mind. Dean, meanwhile, continues his hunt for the Archangel Raphael so he can get to God. Are the bros split for good? It's the end of days again at 9 PM on the CW.

Fringe -
The team heads to Pennsylvania (Does this mean Olivia's back on her feet? Or are they teaming with the new lady agent instead?) The freak of the week seems to involve the subterranean disappearance of a construction worker. Also, more Walter craziness when he tries to shift some frogs to another reality. New Fringe at 9 PM on Fox.

Friday:

Dollhouse -
Now that we've visited the future of Joss Whedon's mind-warping universe (in an unaired season finale), we're back to the present, and the Dollhouse is open for business again. Will Echo be someone sexy tonight? More importantly, how's Whiskey going to deal with her unpleasant discoveries about her true nature?

Smallville -
In the season premiere tonight on CW at 8 PM, Clark has finally taken on the role of protector of Metropolis, donning a black and gray suit to stick to the shadows and become known only as The Blur, forgoing his humanity for the time being. As the hero hunts for the woman he loves, Chloe seeks to reunite the Justice League, a move that may ultimately lead to a dangerous chasm between the two friends.

Ghost Whisperer -
Jennifer Love Hewitt is back to see dead people at 8 PM on CBS. And possibly to pass that gift down to her son. The season premiere, directed by Hewitt, jumps ahead five years in the future to show us just how special her son truly is.

Movies:

Superman Returns, and everything has gone to hell, in the director's cut three-hour-long film, on FX at 8 PM.

Saturday:

Movies:

It's Children of the Corn day over at Syfy starting with Children of the Corn 4 at 11 AM, followed by the 5th film, the 6th film, then Revelations and finally the Syfy retelling of the original, one after the other.

Sunday:

Movies:
Ready yourself for the new Judge Dredd, by rehashing the original, on Syfy at 10 AM.

Librarians get a whole lot sexier when ER doc Noah Wyle does his best Indiana Jones imitation in The Librarian: The: Quest for the Spear it's like Indiana Jones, but with more magic and reading. Check out the Emmy nominated series on TBS at 8 PM.

Before we made them blue and took over their worlds, we were the victims of aliens. Remember the days when we were in the right, with Independence Day on TNT at 8 PM.

Monday:

There's a Tru Calling marathon on Syfy from 8 AM through 3 PM.

Super Hero Squad Show -
Hulk, Thor, Iron Man, Wolverine, Captain America and more fight villains around the world, including the cuddliest version of Dr. Doom ever. Then they all hang out with Barack Obama, because that is all superheroes do anymore. Two episodes begin on Cartoon Network at 7 PM.

Movies:

Billy Bob Thorton stars as a farmer who decides to build his own rocket in his back yard in The Astronaut Farmer. Cook some french friend potaters and watch it on AMC at 8 PM. Oh wait... eh, nevermind.

Tuesday:

There's an all-day Sanctuary marathon on Syfy during normal work hours, call in sick and hang out with the monsters and Amanda Tapping's fake accent.

The Universe -
A look at ringed planets includes Earth (for its human-made satellites) and dissects what the rings reveal about the origins of galaxies, on the History Channel at 9 PM.

Warehouse 13 -
Here's hoping we continue to see more karmically cursed Claudia, strong-willed Artie and a less depressing Pete this week. This week at 9 PM on the Syfy, Myka heads off to visit her father (remember her daddy issues from a few episodes ago?) and finds half an artifact once belonging to Edgar Allen Poe. Was her turn in the Warehouse more fated than we've been led to believe? Regardless, the other half becomes problematic at a high school in Oregon.

Surviving Disasters -
If you live in hurricane country, or desperately believe the apocalypse will bring with it major floods, tonight at 10 PM on Spike, Cade is going show you how to cross flooded streets and a fast-moving river, and how to get to higher ground. And even take refuge in abandoned homes.

The Colony -
The post-apocalyptic colonists and their plans for a scout vehicle are underway while they begin customizing their escape truck. Where are they escaping to? No clue. But meanwhile, traders return, bringing dismay to some and causing tempers to flare, on Discovery at 10 PM.

Wednesday:

Ghost Hunters -
Why do they always hunt in the dark? Alright, may be that's a stupid question, but still, come on guys! This week at 9 PM on Syfy the team heads to New Jersey to probe the Union County Courthouse in Elizabeth with the help of Bruce tango.

Destination Truth -
Spirit possessions are investigated in Mexico, including a creepy, eye-opening experience playing with dolls. Also, the team heads to the Bahamas for island spirits, on Syfy at 10 PM.

Movies:

Denzel Washington is a time-shifting government agent who heads backward to try to stop a terrorist attack, in Déjà Vu on FX at 8 PM.

Thursday:

Fringe -
Agent Olivia Dunham, and everyone's favorite mad-hatter scientist, return! Of course when we left them, the former was in an alternate universe with Leonard Nimoy and the twin towers, and the latter was crying over ... his son's grave? Tonight, Congress decides to take an interest in the Fringe division, and Olivia finds her way back to her own dimension whilst hunting down a mysterious entity that's chasing her — but when isn't a mysterious entity hunting our "special" agent down? So, will the sexual tension peak this season? Will we get more Original Spock? Is the blonde agent going to have some other-dimensional competition for sexiest brooding FBI problem child? Hopefully not, probably not, and most definitely. Season two begins on FOX at 9 PM do not miss it!

Vampire Diaries -
Vicki is recovering from her attack, and starts to remember bits and pieces of what happened. Stefan, of course, is dying to prevent her from actually recalling the events of the evening. Elena is off meeting hottie Damon, who reveals secrets of Stefan's past and Jeremy struggles with feeeeeelings, on the CW at 8 PM.

Supernatural -
Sam and Dean must save small-town inhabitants, when they are confused by a spell causing them all to act like demons and commit murder. Can't this world ever stay saved? The second episode of this season is on the CW at 9 PM.

Here's three clips from tonight's ep:

Movies:

Gary Sinise's doomed Mission to Mars in on Syfy at 9 PM. Red Planet versus Mission To Mars — which is better? Fight!

Friday:

Eureka -
Say farewell to the Eureka townfolk and their can-do attitude, in the season finale on Syfy at 9 PM. The third season (part two) ends with Tess receiving a great new job offer ... in Australia, and Zoe gets ready to leave for Harvard. Carter, meanwhile, is off avoiding his female issues and instead dealing with a magnetic disturbance above the town.

The Troop -
A boy named Jake heads this live-action, CGI-blended show that Nickelodeon is branding as comedy/scifi. Jake wants to create his own comic book and is recruited by a school counselor to join The Troop, a group that aims to protect the world from other-wordly creatures and monsters. Three eps air tonight on Nickelodeon beginning at 8 PM.

Movies:

One of very few women who can shave her head and still look beautiful (that's Natalie Portman, for you not following) stars in the film adaption of Alan Moore's V for Vendetta on MTV at 10 PM.

Saturday:

If you've been clamoring for a darker version of Jumanji, have no fear - it has been made, folks. And it stars everyone's favorite doll, Eliza Dushku on Syfy at 9 PM. Open Graves chronicles the trails of silly American students studying in Spain as they come across a sinister board game. One where the loser ... well, dies, naturally.

Sunday:

Since I know you, like me, are mourning the end of True Blood's season, feel free to keep Vamp Sundays alive with Ann Rice's Interview with the Vampire, on Syfy at 6:30 PM.

Monday:

An all-day marathon of Ghost Hunters turns into a mini-marathon of Ghost Whisperer on Syfy beginning at 8 AM with TAPS, and switching to Jennifer Love Hewitt's whispers at 7 PM.

Movies:

James Bond proves the real meaning of Anglo-Soviet cooperation in a love pod and we get probably the coolest car ever in the form of a suborghini in The Spy Who Loved Me on BBC America at 4 PM.

Tuesday:

Warehouse 13 -
Artie's being questioned by Mrs. Frederic and the Regents, as Pete and Myka and Claudia are stuck in the Warehouse facing a fiery predicament — that may very well make all thousands of the artifacts in the house go haywire, on Syfy at 9 PM.

Surviving Disaster -
This week at 10 PM on Spike, learn how to traverse a burning building, navigate through flames and flame-filled corridors, how to break through walls and even how to rappel to safety from a burning building (all handy tools for the apocalypse).

The Colony -
One colonist, Joey, has a kidney stone; with no electricity and no communication with the outside world, just how painful will it be? Mike and Vlad head out on a recon mission and run into a dangerous situation. Still not sure if this reality TV show on Discovery at 10 PM has the ability to convince me that the contestants truly believe in their make-believe surroundings — maybe fake kidney stones will work this week. I still think they should start a zombie outbreak.

Movies:

Nic Cage dons the flaming ghost head of terrible acting, in Ghost Rider. Cage plays Johnny Blaze, the devil's bounty hunter, and sucks Eva Mendes into his fiery web (yes, that was a comic mix of metaphors) on FX at 7:30 PM.

Wednesday:

Ghost Hunters -
There's a Syfy series cross over at 9 PM tonight, Josh Gates of Destination Truth joins TAPS as the group heads inside a New Jersey prison in the hunt for stuck souls.

Destination Truth -
The premiere for this "is it real and can we touch it... No? okay" show is on at 10 PM on Syfy. Josh Gates attempts to explain supernatural sightings around the globe.

Movies:

Arnold attempts to foil Satan's plans for conquering the world on New Year's Eve 1999 in End of Days on AMC at 8 PM.

Thursday:

Vampire Diaries -

Dear Diary,
This year, I asked for a great campy vamp show to get me through the long winter weeks without True Blood. Instead, I have been given this show about a brooding, orphaned teenage girl and the vamps who love to smell her in the hallways. Yet another vamp adaptation from books.
Thanks a lot.

Elena is beyond happy to capture the attention of Stefan during the first days at a school, where everyone looks too old and too pretty. The dark hottie in her history class who sometimes has fangs is enchanting trouble. On the plus side, LOST's Ian Somerhalder stars as the even hotter villain. Witness Ian's terrible villainous laughter on the CW's 8 PM series premiere.

Supernatural -
The fifth season opens as brothers Dean and Sam have helped to bump up the date for the apocalypse, and Lucifer has come to Earth to prove it. They must also deal with the sad news from Chuck the Prophet that Castiel was blown away by the archangels. On CW at 9 PM.

Movies:

Genetically altered sharks terrorize those experimenting with them — and don't miss the best ever Samuel L. Jackson CG tirade — in Deep Blue Sea on Syfy at 9 PM.

Friday:

Eureka -
Syfy is wrapping up this genius-town show, at 9 PM. It's Tess' first day in charge at Global Dynamics, an Arctic ice core drops the temperature in Eureka drastically and to top it all off, Dr. Jim Taggart returns to town. Tess will no doubt be having a case of the Mondays.

Movies:

Quarantine the remake of 2007 Spanish horror film [REC] and shaky cam film extraordinaire, chronicles the last night of an apartment building, on Starz at 7:30 PM.

Saturday:

The venerable Hercules — Kevin Sorbo — stars as a small town hero in the made-for-tv movie Lightning Strikes, in which a monster rides a lightning bolt (!) down to the ground on Syfy at 9 PM.

Sunday:

True Blood -
The season finale of this breasts-and-blood epic airs tonight. True chaos finally takes over, as Maryann casts Sookie in a starring role in her grand sacrificial ceremony. Sophie-Anne lays down instructions for Eric regarding Bill, Hoyt may finally be pulling out of his mother's grasp, Jason kicks a little ass and hopefully, Eggs gets scrambled. Do not miss our last hour of HBO's slutty vampires at 9 PM.

The Girl Who Cries Blood -
A blood specialist travels to India to check out a girl who spontaneously cries blood and tries to explain it. I've got it — she's a VAMPIRE, oh and she's related to this kid. Thanks to True Blood for bringing to light this sign of vamps. Witness the eye bleeding at 9 PM on the National Geographic Channel.

Defying Gravity -
The ship goes on high alert when a solar flare may result in deadly levels of radiation. Also, the mysterious force cooped up in Pod 4 makes its presence felt, but not quite seen yet. Are you guys thrilled, or excited this dramatic scifi series is wrapping up? Watch the end on ABC at 10 PM.

Monday:

9/11: Science and Conspiracy -
Conspiracy theories abound about the tragedy of 9/11. Tonight, experts weigh in on how plausible any of the most prominent theories really are, plus some thrilling simulations. That's on the National Geographic Channel at 9 PM.

Movies:

Miss The Storm's original airing on NBC this summer? Don't worry Spike is giving you another chance. It's a typhoon of "that guy from that show" style actors in the two-parter made for TV movie. The ensemble cast of Treat Williams, James Van Der Beek, Luke Perry, John Larroquette, and the dude from JAG all play a part in controlling the Earth's weather, which I'm pretty sure will spiral out of control along with some mad grab power struggle culminating in a giant wet mess over a famous statue or building of some kind. Don't miss the first half at 8 PM, followed quickly by the second.

Tuesday:

Weird, True & Freaky -
The second of two new episodes of this show profiles people who've had plastic surgery to look like animals, including leopards and tigers. Fill your cat-people quota, on Animal Planet at 6:30 PM — long before AVATAR comes out.

Warehouse 13 -
Joe Morton from Eureka guest stars, and Claudia ... changes a light bulb? Meanwhile Pete and Myka head out to the prison system of Florida to explain some unexplained suicides. Fingers crossed it's a better version of The Happening, which wouldn't be too hard. Find out at 9 PM on Syfy.

Nova scienceNow -
Michel Gondry would do well to watch when Nova tackles the real science of sleep and the role memories play into it; also, paleontologist Jonathan Bloch's search for the pre-primate missing link on PBS at 9 PM.

Surviving Disaster -
The series premiere is tonight. This how-to show features a host acting out alternative history and what-if scenarios on camera, to teach the audience how to handle themselves during tragic moments. The first episode is at 10 PM, but if it doesn't tackle angel wars, zombie attacks, The Day After Tomorrow type storms and plagues, then what good is it?

The Colony -
We're really sorry we didn't find this series earlier, only because we would have been including it in the roundups. So apologies all around. The Colony is a social experiment, reality TV series where a random crew of people are forced to rebuild a society after a viral attack has left the world devastated. The Discovery Channel show is on at 10 PM, and while the mentality of the survivors doesn't seem all that believable, because the world didn't actually end, and there aren't any real threats — and we're pretty sure the marauders can't beat up the old man with bats and leave him to die in front of the others — it's still interesting at times. This week, the colonists trek across the river and encounter missionaries and new arrivals, who of course cause some tension. And the group is forced to make a sacrifice.

Movies:

John Travolta's super brain powers are tested on Encore at 8 PM, in Phenomenon. Or as we call it, the worst genius movie ever that we always end up watching over and over, for no real reason.

Wednesday:

Weird, True & Freaky -
The medicinal value of animals around the globe is investigated, on Animal Planet at 6:30 PM.

Movies:
Kurt Russell and James Spader headline the original 1994 film about discovering other worlds after deciphering the code on an Egyptian artifact in Stargate on AMC at 8 PM. And if you haven't had enough space-operatic thrills, hang on because Star Trek: Nemesis is on the same channel at 10:30 PM. (Although "thrills" is used loosely in connection with that second movie.)

Thursday:

Animal Armageddon -
The Animal Planet show about prehistoric creatures returns after a hiatus with volcanic eruptions more than 250 million years ago, and the impact they had on the animal life at the time. Be there or be extinct at 6:30 PM.

Movies:

Mel Brooks' classic parody of the horror genre Young Frankenstein, starring Gene Wilder, is on AMC at 8 PM.

Friday:

Eureka -
False alarm — there's no new ep, but let the mourning of Nathan Stark commence all over again with an all-day Eureka marathon with random episodes beginning on Syfy at 8 AM and airing all night, including the pilot episode at 11 PM.

Movies:

Earth is attacked by Martians in the original The War of the Worlds at 8 PM on TCM.

Saturday:

Mythbusters -
Labor Day weekend means fewer new shows and more marathons. Case in point: Mythbusters runs throughout the night beginning on Discovery at 6 PM, and on and on.

Movies:

The Matrix is on A&E at 3 PM, and later part two (Remember when the Coen brothers tried to call it a trilogy?), The Matrix: Reloaded is on 8 PM over at Bravo.

Sunday:

Defying Gravity -
No NEW TRUE BLOOD means I may actually see what the fuss is about this show. This week, Halloween aboard ship brings hallucinations instead of treats, and may hinder Goss' plans for worldwide promotion of the mission, on ABC at 10 PM.

There is no True Blood tonight.

Movies:

Watch Peter Parker begin his descent into angst, Spider-Man 2 airs at 7:30 PM on FOX.

Monday:

Clash of the Gods -
On a realllly slow night, catch up on what made Hades keeper of the Underworld, as well as Greek beliefs in the afterlife. On History Channel at 10 PM.

Movies:
Watch Paul W.S. Anderson's Death Race starring Jason Statham and dream of what the prequel/sequel will be like. On Cinemax at 8:15 PM.

Tuesday:

Nova -
Learn about personal genetic profiles, which could predict your likelihood of certain diseases, and discover a Texas algae farm, where they turn the green stuff into biofuel. On PBS at 9 PM.

Warehouse 13 -
Pete and Myka have to repossess a samurai sword that is about to be given to the President, and they discover an evil version of their Warehouse. There's a rival "collector" competing for their items — maybe we'll finally get a recurring adversary for our duo. That's on Syfy at 9 PM.

The Universe -
A new season of Universe begins with dying stars, stars turning supernova and their effects, and the real threat posed by Earth's nearby stars. Discover a whole new danger, on the History Channel at 9 PM.

Movies:
An earthquake drops a little-league baseball player into Camelot — yes, that Camelot — in A Kid in King Arthur's Court. The best part is keeping your eyes peeled for appearances from Kate Winslet and the newest James Bond, on Disney XD at 5 PM.

Wednesday:

MonsterQuest -
Large tigers, or maybe jaguars, which roam the eastern states, take a bite out of the season finale on the History Channel at 9 PM.

Movies:
Isaac Asimov's stories "inspired" the 2004 Will Smith vehicle I, Robot, but will you be inspired to watch it on FX at 5:30 PM?

Thursday:

CSI: -
On an extremely slow night, CSI is a repeat of an episode that sends the team to Comic Con-esque convention where a TV producer who's planning on remaking a beloved science fiction series is murdered. Watch to make fun of the obvious stereotypes, and keep an eye open for Ronald D. Moore, on CBS at 9 PM.

Movies:
It's scifi movie throwback day on FMC, beginning with 1956's On the Threshold of Space at 10:30 AM and culminating with the attack of live mold from space in 1958 in Space Master X-7 at 8 PM.

Friday:

Eureka -
Allison's baby shower means eco-friendly gifts! Also, drowned scientists are found, where drowning isn't really the most logical explanation. Time to celebrate, on Syfy at 9 PM.

Monk -
Monk faces is up against what may or may not be an alien abduction, when a girl goes missing a and small town has reports of a UFO, on USA at 9 PM.

Movies:
Soothe your apprehensions about the upcoming "next generation" sequel by watching the original Ghostbusters, on AMC at 8 PM.

Saturday:

Being Human -
Mitchell gets sucked into the vampires plot and before he learns a tad bit about what they're really all about, he's recruiting the terminally ill. Meanwhile, George struggles not to tell Nina about his ... time of the month. Annie has had enough of the household poltergeisting and decides to put it to good use, but with mixed results. On BBC America at 9 PM.

Movies:
Syfy continues it's epic run of original movies with Phantom Racer. It's a beautifully fast race car with 550 horsepower, that only runs ... on blood. Yes, I just said blood. Starring Greg Evigan of My Two Dads fame — watch the racer's hood clamp down on people at 9 PM.

Or if possessed cars aren't your thing, Batman Begins is on AMC at 8 PM.

Sunday:

True Blood -
Hell is itching to break out in Bon Temps as Bill, Sookie and Jason return home to town controlled by a very different power. Sam and Andy, meanwhile, have been lured to Merlotte's and are avoiding the bloodthirsty townfolk at all costs. Maryann can't be controlled by a simple glamour (did anyone except Bill really think she could?); Hoyt and Jessica confront Maxine; Sookie reaches out to Tara. Hopefully we'll see the return of fighting Tara and stronger Sam soon, because this maenad is seriously getting on my nerves.

Defying Gravity -
When does stop mean stop forever? The crew decides where their own limits are, way out in space, on ABC at 10 PM.

Movies:
The Showtime series about a girl who turns into a grim reaper and collects souls has a movie wrapping up loose ends: Dead Like Me: Life After Death is on Syfy at 9 PM.

Monday:

Is It True? -
This new reality series searches out the truth about monster sightings, urban legends and plain old stories circulating the web. In tonight's premiere, the host sets out to discover the truth behind the Florida Skunk Ape sightings, and see if it really is possible for an airplane to land with only one wing, on Discovery at 10 PM.

Movies:
The beginning of the middle — Star Wars Episode IV — is on Spike at 6 PM. Or you can watch the second coming of the Ice Age in The Day After Tomorrow on FX at 5:30 PM.

Tuesday:

Better Off Ted -
Tonight ABC gives us an hour of Better Off Ted as a bittersweet season finale. First Linda gets a phony "green" project to keep her busy. Then Veronica's secret life is revealed by an invention, and Linda decides to play matchmaker ... for Ted. The final first-season episodes are on ABC at 9 PM. and then we have to wait until its midseason premiere for more.

Warehouse 13 -
A former Warehouse agent left some unfinished business for Pete and Myka to complete, on Syfy at 9 PM.

That's Impossible -
This show features mind-reading and mind control, along with the possibility of brainwave technology to enable mental communication. Also, computers that can read minds. Why didn't the Enterprise have that? I feel it would have made ordering food so much easier. On History Channel at 10 PM.

Movies:
Spike continues the saga with Star Wars Episode V at 6 PM.

Wednesday:

MonsterQuest -
Wild chimps are explored and reports of chimp attacks are researched. Chimpanzees may be cute but tonight discover their viciousness and their survival skills. On History Channel at 9 PM.

Movies:
Keep your fingers crossed for a third Christopher Nolan Batman, while Batman Begins is on AMC at 10 PM.

Thursday:

Eureka -
There's nothing new tonight, but catch up on Season 3.5, when Syfy begins its mini-marathon from 7 PM till midnight.

Movies:
The ridiculous adaptation of Doom, starring The Rock, is on TBS at 10 PM. Rob Zombie's family drama sequel The Devil's Rejects is on IFC at 10:15 PM.

Friday:

Eureka -
Carter has to determine if the return of Henry's ship is linked to the electrical anomalies scaring the town. That's on Syfy at 9 PM.

Movies:
A slacker tries to pull his life together ... while battling the zombies taking over London. The horror spoof Shaun of the Dead is on Comedy Central at 4:30 PM. Steven Spielberg's Close Encounters of the Third Kind, about visitors from space and awesome potato sculptures, is on TV Land at 9 PM.

Saturday:

Being Human -
Mitchell befriends a 12-year-old and Lauren returns to test his willpower, or does she? Meanwhile, since Annie has finally figured out Owen's true nature, she becomes, well, a terror. And George and Nina's romance slows down on BBC America at 9 PM.

Movies:
The Terminators pits human resistance fighters against cyborgs built to serve mankind. This straight-to-video knock-off of James Cameron's classic airs on Syfy at 9 PM.

Sunday:

True Blood -
Eric gets inside Sookie's head, as we get even closer to the greatest bloody love triangle of the year becoming a reality. Hoyt sticks up for Jess and their adorably awkward relationship. Tara's family members finally try to pry her from the grips of Maryann (but for the wrong reasons) and Sam is still avoiding the obsessed Maenad. Meanwhile, AVL spokesperson Nan Flanagan reacts to the Dallas events and Godric surprises the vamp community, all on HBO at 9 PM.

Defying Gravity -
The ship's operating systems shut down for no apparent reason, leading to a severe reminder of Virtuality and more bewilderment as to why that show never had a chance. Meanwhile, we wait for Ron Livingston to use his acting chops, on ABC at 10 PM.

Monday:

Shark Week: Deadly Waters -
Survivorman's Les Stroud takes on the deadliest water in the world. Using historical data, he will test the hotspots of the ocean and try to discover just why these spots are the deadliest on Earth, on the Discovery Channel at 9 PM.

Shark Week: Day of the Shark 2 -
Divers are trapped inside a shark cage after a great white breaks out of it — while a different shark attacks a former Navy Seal, and a bull shark joins a spear-fishing trip in the Bahamas. Without careful attention, your ocean trip can easily turn dangerous, on Discovery at 10 PM.

Movies:
Biker werewolves hunt down a boy who is the missing link between man and their species, and is destined to destroy their kind. Skinwalkers, starring Jason Behr of Roswell, is on TMC at 8:15 PM.

Tuesday:

Warehouse 13 -
Need a Stargate fix? Tune into Warehouse for a guest spot by Joe Flanigan, aka Sheppard — don't worry, his hair is still a scraggly mess. But Shep's not the only newcomer — last week's new cute hacker, Claudia, joins the team...Will the latest additions to the Warehouse churn up some sexual chemistry? Most likely, this is what Flanigan's hair was put on this Earth to do: relive the SGA glory days on Syfy, at 9 PM.

That's Impossible -
Death rays and laser cannons, oh my! Weapons from science fiction movies are examined in this show that discovers just how probable stuff of fiction really is, on History Channel at 10 PM.

Shark Week!: Sharkbite Summer -
Shark attacks from 2001's Summer of the Shark are recounted, using first-hand accounts of what happened and visits to the scene of the attacks. A shark bites "clean through a boy's arm," on the Discovery Channel, at 9 PM.

Movies:
Two San Franciscans (well, kinda, since one is a humanoid) hunt down an extraterrestrial murderer in Alien Nation on FMC at 8 PM.

Wednesday:

Monsters Inside Me -
A parasite nom nom noms on your brains. Zombie parasites! Someone watch and let me know because the last episode of this "if you eat, breath or touch this, it could kill you" show kept me indoors in a sanitized tent for days. Monsters is on Animal Planet at 9 PM. Watch if you dare.

Shark Week! Man vs. Fish -
In the debut of this reality show, extreme fisherman Matt Watson heads to New Zealand to face off with a mako shark ... while aboard a sinking raft, all on Discovery at 10 PM.

Movies:
Three old men discover the healing properties of the pool next door, and the aliens who own it, in Cocoon on FMC at 10 PM.

Thursday:

Shark Week! Shark After Dark -
Aiming to learn more about how sharks behave after the sun sets, a team of divers tracks sharks around the world with the latest technology, to try to learn more about the aggressive animals, on Discovery at 9 PM.

Movies:
A man pops out of a board game and brings with him a stampede of elephants, monkeys driving cop cars and a hairy creature named Robin Williams. Jumanji is on AMC at 8 PM.

Friday:

Eureka -
The town's teenagers have been manipulated into building a strange structure out of electronics and scrap metal, on Syfy at 9 PM.

Movies:
Paleontologist Alan Grant is headed back to the infamous dinosaur island, accompanied with a group of idiots whose main purpose seems to endanger the lives of others, or create interesting plot points. JP3 is on MTV at 10 PM.

Saturday:

Being Human -
Annie meets another ghost, and she learns why she has been stranded here on Earth, and how to move on. Meanwhile, the forever miserable Mitchell continues to wean Lauren off blood, on BBC America at 9 PM.

Movies:
James Cameron's Oscar-winning sequel Aliens about returning to the space colony where it all began 57 years before is on Spike at 8 PM.

Cameron night continues, as we watch John Connor growing up in Terminator 2. Is the "mimetic polyalloy" T-1000 the best Terminator ever? We say yes. T2 is on Bravo at 9 PM.

Sunday:

True Blood -
In Dallas, Sookie's trials take a turn when Eric shows up just before the Fellowship's lockdown. Back home, Sam discovers a gruesome thing in his bar, and there doesn't appear to be anyone leaping to his defense. But more Jessica and Hoyt hook-up time is promised (yay!).

Raging Planet -
This new series premieres with two episodes, beginning with the dissection of tornadoes and their paths of destruction and followed with an episode about lightning, including some cool footage of how it's "born," on the Discovery Channel at 9 PM.

Defying Gravity -
A strange force on the crew's ship Antares begins to have extreme results on the astronauts' biology and personalities. More sexy space dreams, on ABC at 10 PM.