Monday

What better way to start off the week than with a Syfy marathon of Stargate SG-1 running right now, from 8am all the way through to 3pm? Sure, there's that whole "work" thing, but come on. It's Stargate!

Otherwise, your television thrills are limited to an 8pm conflict between new episodes of House on Fox (A teenage girl can't distinguish between fact and fiction "after a wild night out." Am I the only one who feels like this could be either awesome or hideously embarrassing for all involved?) and Heroes on NBC, where Sylar is still trying to take control of Matt's body and Claire has to face off with her father's Sorority Girl Army. And, yes, I did accidentally make that sound more interesting than the actual show. Sorry, everyone.

Tuesday

For those calling in sick, I'd recommend skipping Syfy's Tru Calling marathon (8am through 3pm for those whose love of Dushku overpowers their bad-show gag reflex) and tuning into AMC, which goes dragon crazy with a 12:45 airing of Dragonheart (Dennis Quaid and a dragon voiced by Sean Connery!) followed by a 3pm re-run of Reign of Fire (You could stay tuned for a 5pm Batman Begins and 8pm Terminator 2: Judgment Day as well, if you were feeling particularly lazy).

If you'd rather get a delayed British take on the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, then James May On The Moon (BBC America at 8pm) takes Top Gear's Captain Slow and puts him in the driver's seat for an hour long look back at those heady days where men were men and the Moon seemed an obtainable destination.

Otherwise, click over to ABC for the second episode of V and see whether it still feels like FlashForward meets... Well, the old V, really (The official PR for the episode says "A seeker among the Visitors tracks Erica and Father Jack. Chad seeks redemption by investigating the aliens ahead of his next newscast while law enforcers press Erica for information concerning Dale M…").

Wednesday

Thank God for Mythbusters on the Discovery Channel at 9pm. Without their investigation into whether cars will automatically burst into flames after crashing (Surely we have empirical proof that the answer is no already?), I'd have to find some way to pretend that Glee (Fox at 9) was a scifi show just to have something to write about for today. I figured I could always claim that it was set in an alternate reality where people aren't creeped out by Will Schuester trying to rap.

Thursday
If it's Thursday, then it's time for all the shows to run up against each other again. Sure, you could pretend that the networks aren't showing anything and watch a double bill of Demolition Man and End of Days on AMC (Sly and Arnold! In two of their most underrated - for a reason - movies! It starts at 8pm, if you're tempted), after spending the day watching Syfy's Star Trek: Enterprise marathon (8am through 3pm, as ever), but come on. I know that you can't resist the big shows people are talking about.

On FlashForward (ABC, 8pm), Aaron discovers the truth about his daughter's death, Janis returns to work and Mark and Olivia's martial troubles bring everyone down yet again, man. Things are much more fun over in Mystic Falls where Vampire Diaries (the CW at 8pm) brings a mysterious new teacher, arguments over medallions and, according to the CW, "Damon finally reveals to Stefan the stunning reason he has returned to Mystic Falls." If I watched the show and/or cared, I couldn't wait!

9pm brings the real reason to wrestle over the remote; Fringe on Fox gives Olivia, Broyles and Peter a new reason to be suspicious of Massive Dynamic when the impossibly shady corporation turn out to be involved in a kidnapping case, but Supernatural (The CW) looks much more fun than even Walter Bishop could provide:

Super fan Becky uses Chuck's phone to trick Sam and Dean into attending a Supernatural fan convention, complete with fans dressed up as Sam and Dean. One of the activities is a live action role-playing game, but things quickly turn sour after a real ghost appears on the scene.

Seriously. How could anyone resist that?

Friday

Jericho fans! You have the Syfy marathon of the day (8am through 3pm, which I'm sure you already know by now) to keep you happy during the daylight hours; the rest of us will be watching the original The War Of The Worlds movie on AMC at 10:15am (And avoiding the following Star Trek: Nemesis at 12:15pm, a movie which can best be described by blogger Kevin Church here), instead.

Still, Friday evening starts the weekend off right with the double bill of Batman: The Brave and The Bold ("The Fate of Equinox!" Yes, the exclamation point is part of the title) and Star Wars: The Clone Wars (following last week's surprisingly brutal, "Are Jedi really advocating using flame throwers against living beings what the hell?" episode) on Cartoon Network, starting at 7:30pm (Clone Wars is at 8pm, if you have an aversion of Batman. And if you do, then I'm very, very sorry.)

If you're in the mood for MOR dramas teasing the supernatural, then CBS is the place to be tonight, with new episodes of both Ghost Whisperer (8pm, with Jennifer Love Hewitt "pulled into a murder mystery by a real estate power couple" - Yes, this is what people want to watch, apparently) and Medium (9pm, which at least includes a potentially amusing-for-the-wrong-reasons subplot about posting videos of someone on the internet and "getting into trouble") on offer.

The rest of us, we'll be considering Smallville on the CW at 8pm (It features the Wonder Twins! You know you want to), Stargate Universe on Syfy at 9pm (The crew of the Destiny get a message from their future selves from the past. Or something) and Sanctuary on the same channel at 10pm.

Saturday

If you're not looking forward to Syfy's Ice Twisters at 9pm ("A sci-fi novelist is summoned to help scientists after an experiment in weather manipulation goes awry and produces deadly tornadoes made of ice," apparently), then we'd suggest that AMC's double bill of trilogies is the best way to spend your day. Start with the Mad Max trilogy (Movies starting 1:30, 3:30 and 5:30pm) before a night of The Matrix trilogy (The three movies begin at 8pm, 11pm and 1am on Sunday, respectively). Otherwise, the only thing left is Discovery's Surviving 2012... which is about all the prophecies, and not, sadly, advice on making it through Roland Emmerich's latest.

Sunday

It's the best night of television this week! Who knew, right? Start things off right with Syfy's latest screening of Serenity at 6:30 before switching over midway through - Hopefully missing Alan Tudyk's least favorite scene ever in the process - to catch the premiere of AMC's brand new take on The Prisoner at 8pm. If Ian McKellan and Jim Caviezel can't bring Patrick McGoohan's classic paranoiafest back to life, I'm going to be very depressed.

Of course, the best way to finish the evening off is coming at midnight, with the latest episode of The Venture Bros on Cartoon Network. Can we all just admit that it's the smartest and funniest show on television already?

Monday

If you didn't lose most of your Sunday to Syfy's V marathon, don't despair; they're continuing it today, from 8am through 7pm (And then again tomorrow, starting at 8am again). Jane Badler fanatics of the world, unite for one last time before Morena Baccarin takes over. Talking of remakes of beloved shows, AMC have a 15 minute Prisoner Preview at 2:45, teasing the reboot that premieres later this month (It re-runs throughout the week, if you miss it).

Of course, Monday wouldn't be Monday without Heroes; this week is the much-anticipated "Once Upon A Time In Texas" episode that sees Hiro try to save Charlie's life again, even though I thought we'd conclusively proven way back in the first season that he couldn't do that. Oh, Heroes, suddenly that House re-run on Fox at the same time seems that bit more interesting...

Tuesday

Having presumably primed yourself with the end of Syfy's V marathon, you'll be eagerly anticipating the premiere of ABC's brand new, now-with-extra-Scott-Wolf V, for the first of four weeks before a winter break. We reviewed it at Comic-Con and were pleasantly surprised by the "creepy and intriguing" update of the classic show. Here are the first eight minutes or so:

Meanwhile, AMC and FX are showing off their superhero movie chops: AMC has a doublebill of Batman and Batman Returns starting at 8, while FX shows the better-than-the-first-but-that's-not-necessarily-saying-much Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer at the same time.

Wednesday

Get your humpday started properly with AMC showing of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie at 9:45 in the morning, and then stick around for Reign of Fire - one of our favorite dragon war movies ever - at 3pm. In fact, when you add in more showings of Batman, Batman Returns and Batman Forever (at 8pm) and Batman Begins (at 10:30), you could pretty much just leave your television tuned to AMC all day.

But if you did that, you'd miss a new episode of Eastwick at 10pm on ABC. Considering I've never seen the show, I'll just quote the summary instead:

After Chad visits her one last time in a dream, a grieving Roxie resolves to fulfill his last wish — if she can figure out what it is. Hounded by Max, her replacement at the Gazette, about her kidnapping ordeal, Joanna grapples with her own lingering questions while dodging his and Kat, startled by a newfound ability, realizes that Bun's old friend Eleanor Rougement may have answers for both of them.

For those looking for documentary-esque thrills, Mythbusters investigate liquid nitrogen myths in a new episode at 9pm on the Discovery Channel, and, after rocking a marathon of Destination Truth from 8am through 3pm (There's also a new episode on at 9), Syfy celebrates the power of brand loyalty by bringing in Warehouse 13's Eddie McClintock to help track down the "Ghost Of Buffalo Bill" on a brand new episode of Ghost Hunters at 8pm.

Thursday

As if the V marathons earlier in the week weren't enough, Syfy has a Threshold marathon starting at 8am and running until 3 in the afternoon. Remember Threshold?

Because it's Thursday, it's time to give your TiVos a workout. At 8pm, you can choose between a new episode of FlashForward on ABC -

Mark, Demetri, Gough and MI6 agent Fiona Banks investigate a Blue Hand club and its possible connection to some recent suicides. Meanwhile, Aaron receives a surprise visit from a former army buddy of his late daughter's, Demetri comes clean with Zoey about his lack of a flashforward, and Nicole helps Bryce uncover the mystery of his flashforward while volunteering at the hospital.

- or a new Vampire Diaries on the CW:

On his birthday, Stefan is surprised by a visit from Lexi, one of his oldest friends. Still upset by the events at the Halloween haunted house, Elena does her best to stay away from Stefan, but Lexi gives her some unsolicited relationship advice. Elena and Jenna are surprised by a change in Jeremy's behavior. At Damon's insistence, Caroline tries to get his medallion back from Bonnie. Finally, Damon's offer to help Sheriff Forbes has sudden and tragic results.

Similarly, 9pm brings a choice between Fringe on Fox -

The Fringe Division takes on a puzzling investigation where victims are inexplicably disintegrating into ash. The shadowy case casts light on Special Agent Phillip Broyles' past and leads the team to the possibility of foreign Fringe Science. Emotions run high as the alarming events stack up and revealing personal details emerge about the leader of the Fringe Division.

- and what looks like a very fun episode of Supernatural on the CW:

The Trickster throws Sam and Dean into an alternate universe where they are characters in different television series, including a sexy medical show, a Japanese game show, a forensics show and a sitcom. The brothers realize the only way to get out of this world is to play along and become the characters in the shows. However, Castiel appears and warns them this universe is dangerous and they must get out before they become trapped.

(My suggestion: Watch FlashForward and Fringe live, TiVo Supernatural and try to pretend Vampire Diaries doesn't exist. Sorry, Kevin Williamson.)

Friday

Today's Syfy marathon? The third season of Doctor Who. Again, it starts at 8am: Set your TiVo to relive the awesomeness that is Martha Jones. Otherwise, you'll be left with nothing to watch until Smallville on the CW at 8 (Jor-El meets Chloe, Clark realizes that a younger version of his dad is on Earth and Zod keeps disappointing in the villain stakes).

That's followed by the Syfy double bill of Stargate Universe at 9 (Wherein Richard Dean Anderson guests with a crazy plan about how to bring the accidental crew of the Destiny home. Spoiler: It's only the sixth episode: It's not going to work), and Sanctuary at 10 (Magnus wakes up with no idea where she is, or why everything around her has been destroyed. I know how she feels).

If you're feeling like you're missing old friends, though, you could always tune in to White Collar on USA at 9, which counts Fringe's dear departed Charlie and The Middleman's Natalie Morales amongst its cast this week. Plus, of course, Matt Bomer, whom everyone keeps telling me is the new David Tennant in dreaminess quotant.

Saturday

Syfy seems to have forgotten that Halloween was the week before, with three horror movies: Open Graves (starring a pre-Dollhouse Eliza Dushku), in which American students abroad find a deadly boardgame, the remake of The Amityville Horror, and From Within, which apparently has something to do with a Christian questioning her faith when people around her get gruesomely slaughtered.

Thankfully, the movie that follows those three, Snakehead Terror features both snake-headed mutant pirhanas and Bruce Boxeleitner, so things seem to getting back to normal in the end. (Open Graves starts at 4, and each following movie comes two hours later).

Sunday

Worried about the truth behind Roland Emmerich's new destructo movie? Then don't watch 2012: Startling New Secrets on Syfy, which sounds as if it treads the fine line between Destination Truth-esque knowing parody and tacky sensationalism. Which, come to think of it, sounds pretty like the 2012 movie itself, actually... Instead, finish off your weekend with "Return To Malice," the latest, and no doubt entirely awesome, episode of The Venture Bros. on Cartoon Network at midnight. Let's face it: Brock would be disappointed if you didn't.

Monday:

House -
A police officer with a fear of heart disease heads to Princeton General on FOX at 8 PM. Because that's what apparently killed the last three generations of men in his family at age 40, he's terrified of the same. But was that really what it was? Also, the Darth Vader dictator's case is still hanging over Chase's head (I love House, but I'm so over this storyline) and House faces ghosts from his past ("ghosts"? We can hope).

Heroes -
On NBC at 8 PM, the newly found Sylar is led by Samuel on a voyage of self-discovery, while the arrival of Hiro proves fortuitous for Emma and her abilities. Meanwhile, Peter is asking Noah for help finding someone to heal Hiro.

Big Bang Theory -
Wil Wheaton guest stars as a participant in a trading card competition. Turns out Sheldon has a deep seated resentment for him, so he enters the competition too. Also, Wolowitz asks Penny to set him up with one of her friends, on CBS at 8:30 PM.

Extreme Paranormal -
A team of paranormal investigators, on A&E at 10 PM, use extreme measures (such as replicating deaths to "invoke" the ghosts of those killed in a 1980 riot) to find what's haunting the New Mexico State Penitentiary.

Movies:

Experience the flaming-skull magic once again! Nic Cage is Johnny Blaze in Ghost Rider on FX at 8 PM.

Tuesday:

Nova -
Lizard expert Eric Pianka tracks down the elusive monitor lizard in Australia, and showcases them using "lizard-cam" technology on PBS at 8 PM.

Ghost Lab -
The brothers head to Chicago on Discovery Channel at 10 PM and also to the Mortuary in New Orleans.

Movies:

A San Francisco detective helps an alien cop track down an otherworldly murderer in Alien Nation, on the Fox Movie Channel at 8 PM

Wednesday:

Spectacular Spider-Man -
It's Valentine's Day and Peter jeopardizes his relationship with Liz Allen to stop a meeting between Tombstone, Hammerhead and Doc Oc. And on Disney XD at 9 PM, only Spider-Man can head off the impending gang war.

Ghost Hunters -
On Syfy at 9 PM the team probes Chicago's Congress Theater's claims of floating apparitions and disembodied voices.

MythBusters -
Which has better gas mileage: clean cars or dirty ones? On Discovery Channel at 9 PM, it's the "hangover episode," where Tori, Kari and Grant study myths stemming from beer and liquor.

Destination Truth -
Incan ruins are investigated on Syfy at 10 PM and the team looks for evidence of a humongous bird in Alaska.

Eastwick -
Some sorta of crazy moon beam eclipse thingy is affecting the women on ABC at 10 PM, and it's leading them all to free their inhibitions. Meaning, Kat gets freaky on top of a piano, Roxie and Mia have an awkward moment with the cute brothers they're each involved with and Joanna runs a troubling story.

Movies:

On Disney at 8 PM, Mom's Got a Date with a Vampire. One of Sabrina the Teenage Witch's aunt has a date with The Nanny's employer, who happens to be a vamp, too.

Thursday:

FlashForward -
On ABC at 8 PM, Mark has to answer to the Senate, in order to get the team funding and I hope we get to see more of his flash-forward in the process. Janis (the possibly pregnant-in-the-future FBI agent) questions her flash in regards to her current relationship status. Also, Olivia finds out some interesting tidbits about Mark's flash — possibly about the prevalence of alcohol in it?

Movies:

Bill Murray and crew are headed out to protect the city on AMC at 5:30 PM for Ghostbusters II.

Friday:

Batman: The Brave and the Bold -
On Cartoon Network at 7:30 PM we finally get to hear Neil Patrick Harris as the Music Meister as he uses his power to hijack a satellite, so he can control people with music... and take over the world. Yay for singing villains.

Ghost Whisperer -
On CBS at 8 PM, the whisperer must help Chad Lowe come to terms with his past and the ghost that's making him pay for it.

Smallville -
Oliver's kidnapped by Victoria (aka Roulette) and warned that his life is danger. Then, when he's arrested for Victoria's death, Oliver turns to Chloe for help. Also, Ms. Lane is upset with Clark for keeping Oliver's suicide attempt a secret, all on CW at 8 PM.

Dollhouse -
Finally, the way Sierra came to be a doll is revealed when she faces her Rossum Corp connection as an Active, on FOX at 9 PM. And of course, her link includes obsession and murder. This episode is directed by Jonathan "Will Riker" Frakes, who also directed several episodes of Roswell.

Stargate Universe -
Destiny seems primed for a collision with a star, and of course all her power goes out, too, leading the crew to consider abandoning her on Syfy at 9 PM. With a name like Destiny, though, are they serious? Apparently so, as they hold a lottery to fill the only working escape shuttle.

Sanctuary -
Magnus takes in those ousted by the Cabal in the attacks on the Tokyo and London sanctuaries, and Kate sets a one-of-a-kind creature free, on Syfy at 10 PM.

Movies:

An Alien breeds inside Sigourney Weaver, on AMC at 8 PM.

Saturday:

Movies:

Silly college kids take a wrong turn and end up mixed up with real (live?) deadly ghosts in Ghost Town on Syfy at 9 PM.

Sunday:

Movies:

On Encore at 10:15 PM Pierce Brosnan tries to warn of an impending volcanic eruption a little too late, in Dante's Peak.

Monday:

House</em -
On FOX at 8 PM Foreman's preparing to explain the death of a dictator to the review board, while King Midas incarnate is realizing just how cursed he is when his son falls under House's care ... or, Foreman's care, as the team remains his for now.

Heroes -
Lydia's alarmed on NBC at 8 PM, when Samuel tries to extend his brood. Peter makes a connection with a reluctant Emma over some swooshy lights, and Sylar tries to remember who he used to be. Also, Gretchen reveals her hidden agenda to Claire, and we get the lesbian kiss many people have been watching this season for. But then what will we watch it for after that?

Big Bang Theory -
Immigration is coming for Raj unless he gets a new job, so Sheldon hires him. When did Sheldon start a business? Also, Howard really doesn't get the concept of third wheel with Leonard and Penny on CBS at 8:30 PM.

Movies:

Global warming attacks the planet and Dennis Quaid must save ... as many as he can in The Day After Tomorrow on FX at 5:30 PM. Psyche yourself up for 2012 with a reminder of Emmerich's appetite for destruction.

Tuesday:

Ghost Lab -
The brothers examine the evidence of ghosts in Arizona, including a full body photograph of an apparition, on Discovery Channel at 10 PM.

STARZ: INSIDE ZOMBIEMANIA -
Move over vamps — zombies have risen to take over. Richard Roeper hosts a look at Zombies through the film lens of history on Starz at 10 PM. The piece takes look at zombies and their starring roles in films being with 1932's White Zombie and up to 28 Days Later. Writer/director/zombie aficionado George A. Romero and the author of Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z, Max Brooks, are featured along with others influential in the zombie movement.

Movies:

After zombies on Starz, at 11 PM watch a plague infect residents in Quarantine.

Wednesday:

Ghost Hunters -
TAPS heads north of the border on Syfy at 9 PM to investigate Canada's Fort Henry, the nation's most haunted locale.

Destination Truth -
The team enjoys a Turkish dance troupe on Syfy at 10 PM.

Eastwick -
Joanna's ex-fiance (wait, what?!) surprises her before her date with Will tonight on ABC at 10 PM. Meanwhile, Roxie starts investigating her killer roommate, and Kat turns to a divorce attorney — finally.

Movies:

Joshua Jackson is a photographer who's haunted by mysterious images of a woman who supposedly died in a car crash in Tokyo, in Shutter, on HBO at 5:30 PM.

Thursday:

FlashForward -
Remember Bryce? The suicidal doctor? On ABC at 8 PM, he thinks a flash is the key to a patient's recovery but Olivia's skeptical (and with her trouble with flashes, who wouldn't be?). Demetri and Mark's flashes are dividing them and Nicole (the creepy kid's babysitter) shares her flash: murder. Wait, wasn't she trying to atone for the future previously?

Vampire Diaries -
Stefan's on a truth kick and reveals to Elena his family's history, and how his rivalry with Damon got started. Damon, meanwhile is trying to take control of Vicki's life, causing, well, some problems obviously. And the sheriff and mayor try to keep every safe-ish on CW at 8 PM.

Supernatural -
The boys are traveling again, this time to see an 11-year-old boy whose beliefs all come true. Too bad his conjurings also include the monsters of lore. Cas thinks this child's a threat and wants him... taken out, on CW at 9 PM.

Fringe -
On FOX at 9 PM the team started decoding dreams when people are being turned into monsters via what sounds like a backdoor in their brains. And Broyles meets with Nina Sharp — whoa, is more lip-locking action in store?

Movies:

On Cinemax at 5:45 PM is the Edward Norton-version of Incredible Hulk, featuring two spectacular cameos by Lou Ferrigno.

Friday:

Batman: The Brave and the Bold -
The Dark Knight returns to Cartoon Network at 7:30 PM, to fight the metal man Shrapnel, with OMAC by his side.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars -
On Cartoon Network at 8 PM, Padmé is investigating a Separatist conspiracy, when the Jedi Council asks for her help.

Ghost Whisperer -
Melinda heads to the morgue when she's haunted by the ghost of a surgeon who's stuck reliving a failed operation on CBS at 8 PM.

Smallville -
The Blur is becoming an outlaw, and who knows how he'll react when Jor-El gives him the power to hear people's thoughts. Elsewhere, the Toyman is crashing a Queen Industries party to get to Oliver and force him to admit he killed Lex on CW at 8 PM.

Stargate Universe -
On Syfy at 9 PM, the ship's power reserves dip to a critical level, and the crew is ordered to use the power for essential services only — but we've seen how well they obey orders already. Plus, Rush announces they won't survive past a few days, so that should help with the whole "morale" thing.

Sanctuary -
The Cabal attacks sanctuaries around the world, using Ashley in support of their cause. Tesla an Henry try to defuse the the onslaught, without killing Ashley of course, on Syfy at 10 PM.

Movies:

Gene Hackman stars as a man fending off death in the ocean in The Poseidon Adventure on FMC at 6 PM.

Saturday:

In lieu of their usual Saturday night movie, Syfy is doing a Saw mini-marathon. The puzzle begins at 4:30 PM and covers the first three movies.

Sunday:

Super Hero Squad Show -
A bratty little kid gets control of the world with the help of a sparkly magic tiara. Time for the squad to think like kids if they want to save the world, on the Cartoon Network at 7 PM

Venture Brothers -
The Bros. are back, and Captain Sunshine is joining them. Plus, is Brock seriously gone for good?!? Find out on Cartoon Network at 11:30 PM.

Movies:

Wolvesbayne is a new movie about a werewolf hero who takes on a vampire cult, on Syfy at 9 PM.

Monday:

House -
James Earl Jones plays an African dictator charged with crimes against humanity, who's checked into the hospital. Meanwhile, Wilson is still dealing with the crazy-addict-without-an-outlet House on FOX at 8 PM.

Heroes -
On NBC at 8 PM, Hiro tries to forget his own problems by helping strangers in trouble. Angela tiptoes with Nathan around his past and Tracey makes a splash in an effort to get her job back.

Big Bang Theory -
Furthering complicating your DVRing, on CBS at 9:30 PM Sheldon tries to Pavlov's Dog Penny, but using chocolate, instead of ... dog food or whatever. The other single boys try to pick up women at a Goth nightclub, and let's hope that Leonard and Penny actually have better sex soon.

Movies:

Please join me in reliving your childhood, and watch Halloweentown on Disney at 8 PM. Debbie Reynolds lives in a town where Halloween is a way of life. All Hallow's Eve is now threatened and she and her grandchildren must save the day in typical Disney fashion.

Tuesday:

The Universe -
Space based weapons and battles! Tonight on History Channel at 9 PM Universe covers the possibility of such awesome epicness — what it could look like, how it'd work, and and just how destructive it would truly be. Let's hope they cover lasers and death stars.

Ghost Lab -
Discovery Channel has their own paranormal/ghost hunting team now and this new show at 10 PM sends their team to Louisiana to investigate the haunting claims of Shreveport Municipal auditorium an Myrtles Plantation. Basically, this team uses tech and science to explain strange phenomena.

Movies:

Jurassic Park, where dinosaurs are the inhabitants and humans are the dessert, is on Cinemax at 5:45 PM.

Wednesday:

MythBusters -
The boys are back in town on Discovery at 9 PM, with bullets and socks. Tonight, they solve the question: which will hit the ground first, a falling bullet or a fired one? And they also try to determine if you can literally knock someone's socks off.

Ghost Hunters -
Tonight on Syfy at 9 PM the team investigates the USS Salem for bumps... and, oh yeah, ghosts.

Destination Truth -
The destination gang travels to Chile to probe about a possible UFO sighting on Syfy at 10 PM.

Eastwick -
Roxie's haunted by a ghost, and that creepy ant lady from the pilot, Bun, is awake from her coma. She knows more about Darryl than we're privy to yet, but now she's obsessed with a curious symbol (is it the same one as on Roxie's murdering neighbor?) and Kat is refusing a divorce lawyer ... and maybe even a divorce? And of course our trusty investigator Joanna is digging away on ABC at 10 PM.

Movies:

Milla Jovovich and female empowerment may be the only reasons Oxygen is showing the zombie/corporate greed-fueled epic Resident Evil: Apocalypse at 8 PM. But there are many, many reasons to check it out.

Thursday:

FlashForward -
That creepy German prisoner we've seen in previews is finally showing up, when Mark and Janis travel to Germany to ask him for some "important information" about the blackout. Demetri, with his newfound knowledge of his death day, is all abuzz over some more terrible news, and Aaron (Mark's AA buddy for those of you having trouble keeping up already) turns to Mark for help exhuming his daughter's body, or at least where it should be. The show's already large ensemble gets bigger, on ABC at 8 PM.

Vampire Diaries -
Stefan is carefully revealing bits and pieces about his past to Elena, who goes on to hear some strange and scary things about the Salvatore fam. Psychic Bonnie seeks out her grandmother for help discerning an learning more about her ... ability, on CW at 8 PM.

Supernatural -
The Paris Hilton episode is here! Rejoice in her self-satirizing willingness to be exploited on television. Or just revel in her terrible acting and incredible stung-casting as a celebrity-impersonating demon (or ghost?). Tonight on the CW at 9 PM, the citizens of a small town are dropping at the hands of dead icons, like ... Abraham Lincoln? And James Dean's car?

Fringe -
On FOX at 9 PM, Olivia and the Scooby gang are hunting down shape-shifters, and Walter is busy making a cocktail for Liv to help her remember what Spock told her in the other dimension.

Movies:

An army of vamps has a blood orgy in Alaska, in the graphic-novel adaptation 30 Days of Night on Encore at 8 PM.

Friday:

Star Wars: The Clone Wars -
Cad Bane's new mission, on Cartoon Network at 8 PM, is to kidnap kids who are force-sensitive and bring them to Mustafar for Sith training.

Ghost Whisperer -
Eli's father has a heart attack that leads him to a reunion with his dead mother. Turns out she had a secret before her death, and it must've been a whopper because she hasn't crossed over yet. The secret's out on CBS at 8 PM.

Smallville -
Lois is infected by a zombie plague that Zod has cursed upon the city. The cure is in the blood of a Kryptonian, but Clark can't get involved without revelaing his identity to Zod, on the CW at 8 PM.

Dollhouse -
On FOX at 9 PM, Echo is a free-wheeling coed and Victor is a psychotic nephew. So needless to say, they have a tiff while imprinted.

Stargate Universe -
On Syfy at 9 PM a search team combs a desert planet for a vital mineral necessary for restoring life support aboard the Destiny. But it turns out their window of opportunity is closing fast. Also, Chloe reachies out to her mother, using the communication stones.

Sanctuary -
Afterward, on Syfy at 10 PM, the season premiere gives us Magnus as she's searching for Ashley, putting her and her allies at odds with con-artist Kate Freelander: a woman with ties to the Cabal, who divulges secrets almost immediately.

Movies:

The sequel that should really only exist inside a sealed-off virtual world, The Matrix Reloaded, is on MTV at 7 PM. Have yourself a chocolate-cake orgasm, with the sequel that proved trilogies aren't such a great idea.

Saturday:

Movies:

The venerable Brittany Murphy stars in Megafault on Syfy at 9 PM. More importantly, Green Arrow himself, Justin Hartley co-stars. When an earthquake threatens to split the world, a seismologist and a miner get involved. What're they gonna do? Stitch it back together? Sure, why not.

Sunday:

Movies:

Did you know they made a Butterfly Effect 3? It's appropriately called The Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations and is on Syfy at 7 PM. Basically, time-traveling boy accidentally unleashes a serial killer while trying to solve the mystery of his girlfriend's death.

Monday:

House -
How long will we have to suffer with this kinder, gentler House? Probably not for too much longer, as Foreman is now in control of the medical scooby gang. Can't wait to see which upstart doctor House makes cry this time, over on FOX at 8 PM.

Day After Disaster -
In the event of a nuclear attack, the first 24 hours are the most critical for deciding how many people live or die - so says the History Channel. Learn the Department of Homeland Security's plan for a nuclear attack on Washington D.C. at 8 PM.

Heroes -
While dealing with the repercussions of his heroism, Peter meets a new woman with special abilities. Claire is dealing with the ripples of her choices as well, with the revelation of her secret to her nosy new roommate. Elsewhere, Samuel hunts for memories of his brother, and Matt deals with the return of Sylar. Come on, NBC: let's keep this "not horrible Heroes" streak going, at 8 PM.

Big Bang Theory -
Lewis Black guest stars as an entomologist helping the boys settle a bet regarding the species of a cricket on CBS this week. Back on the ranch, Leonard and Penny are trying a different approach after awkward intimacy check at 9:30 PM.

Movies:

The Teen Titans track down criminal mastermind Brushogun in Teen Titans: Trouble in Tokyo on Cartoon Network at 6:30 PM.

Tuesday:

The Universe -
Studying star clusters, both open and globular, and what they reveal about the nature of galaxies and the expansion of the universe. Make a wrinkle in your brain with the History Channel at 9 PM.

Movies:

In The Eye, Jessica Alba gets some poor dead girl's eyes, and suddenly she can see. As if that's not crazy enough, she begins to see dead people — not in the same awesome way as Haley Joel Osment, more in a totally creepy way that requires her to hunt down the original owner of her eyes. That's on Showtime at 8:15 PM.

Wednesday:

Ghost Hunters -
Famous rocker Meat Loaf (no, seriously) heads out with the team to investigate an allegedly haunted island in New York. This will be the first Ghost Hunters that we're actually excited about. But if he doesn't sing, we're out. Eddie is back at 9 PM on the Syfy Channel.

Destination Truth -
Ghost sightings near the site of the Chernobyl disaster send Josh and the team to the Ukraine on Syfy at 10 PM.

Eastwick -
So just who is that devilishly handsome stranger that rode into town on the back of the wind who can stir up sex? And exactly how does one stir sex? Well ABC is determined to show you, in a PG manner, at 10 PM. Joanna and Penny try to unearth some real facts about Darryl Van Horne, talking to a reporter and an eccentric shut-in. Back in town, Roxie and her daughter deal with the repercussions of her "date night" and Kat tries to get out of her marriage without resorting to killing her husband.

Movies:

The most recent, anti-climactic X-Files movie — that's The X-Files: I want to Believe in case you've already blocked it out — is on Cinemax at 8:15 PM.

Thursday:

FlashForward -
What's more important than the present? Every person on the planet is now a prophet, and it's terribly dangerous. Or maybe magically delicious. As the cast struggles to figure out how to bring forth, or avoid, their individual visions, we see more characters, more offshoots, and more of Dominic Monaghan. But who was that mysterious figure in the Detroit Stadium and why, of all places for the FBI to be checking, did they decide to hit up that venue first? All the answer will most likely not be explained, on ABC at 8 PM.

Vampire Diaries -
The CW continues to push the vampire fetish right off a clip at 8 PM. This week Elena allows Stefan to take her to the Founder's Party where of course temptation incarnate, Damon, tells her about his family's past — leading Elena to question Stefan to no avail.

Supernatural -
All I really want is to see Sarah Palin as President in the post-apocalyptic world of 2014. Don't get me wrong - definitely, NEVER EVER in real life. But tonight, as the literal bromance spends more time apart, we see an alternate reality where the Alaskan runs the country, Sam becomes Lucifer's vessel, and Castiel loves orgies (despite how well his last sexual foray went). On CW at 9 PM.

Fringe -
This week on "what will Walter say next," a bomb goes off at a Philadelphia train station. The gang is stumped, Peter is sassy, Olivia is tough and they all go to Iraq because: time peg! Let's hope this means we're dragging skeletons out of Peter's closet, since he spent quite some time there. Don't miss the Easter Egg-filled goodness on FOX at 9 PM.

Movies:

Marvel's spinoff The Meteor Man makes his movie debut (and finale?) as a bumbling inner-city superhero battling crime, and heights. On BET at 8 PM.

Friday:

Star Wars: The Clone Wars -
The second season begins tonight with two episodes, as Cad Bane attempts to steal a Jedi Holocron and Anakin and Ahsoka hunt him down. Cartoon Network delivers the Star Wars we never even knew we wanted, but now can't live without, at 8 PM.

Ghost Whisperer -
There is an evil chain mail this week. Seriously an EVIL CHAIN MAIL. So in order to avoid getting caught up in the EVIL CHAIN MAIL link, send 4 emails to CBS asking them to bring back Moonlight. Then watch Ghost Whisperer at 8 PM, or just send CBS the emails...your call.

Smallville -
John Corben is transformed into a cyborg after a car accident. As a machine man, he uses his newfound strength and powers to hunt down The Blur, and kidnaps Lois to do so. We're still waiting for CW to roll out the Wonder Twins episode, so we can stop watching already. But Brian Austin Green, who plays Corben, will tide us over until then. Don't miss the shirtless Kryptonite-powered cyborg action at 8 PM.

Dollhouse -
Echo's maternal instincts kick in on the job when she's imprinted with the emotions of a new mother. Alexis Denisof returns as Sen. Perrin and continues his hunt for the prostitution ring known as the Dollhouse. And Adelle visits November, because maybe she's not as done as a doll as we previously thought. Fox rolls out the second episode of Dollhouse season two, at 9 PM.

Stargate Universe -
The "darkest installment of the" Stargates launches this week, with a two-hour premiere, calculated to give even newbies a chance to jump in. Robert Carlyle plays Dr. Nicolas Rush, a man intent on ... well, actually we're not entirely sure. He does, however, assemble a team to tame the mysterious ninth gate, which leads to an undiscovered expanse of space. Eli, played by David Blue, is the young hotshot Rush has brought along to "voluntarily" lend his brain. The third Stargate show gives us familiar cast members (with guests Amanda Tapping and Richard Dean Anderson) but a much darker Stargate this time around — and forget exploration: the piecemeal team must work on surviving, first and foremost, on Syfy at 9 PM.

Spoiler alert? Witness two possible deaths in this four-minute preview from Syfy.

Movies:

Nic Cage uses his powers of future vision to help prevent a terrorist attack in Next on FX at 6 PM. So ... how can he foresee an attack if his "power" only allows him a two minute glimpse into the future?

Saturday:

Movies:

In a description so boring and vague that you have to wonder why they're hiding that obvious images of demons and the devil, a young Christian girl has her faith shaken when suicides rock her small town, in From Within on Syfy at 7 PM.

Sunday:

Raging Planet -
The fury of blizzards are examined on the Discovery Channel, via computer simulations. The 1995 "arctic hurricane" that devastated Tromso, Norway, is examined using archival footage and testimonials. Moral of the story? Don't get caught in a blizzard if you can avoid it. Those suckers are earth wreckers. Unleash the furry at 10 PM.

Movies:

The Incredibles makes you wonder if Marvel and Disney weren't in bed before now, on the Disney Channel at 9 PM.

Monday:

Heroes -
Redemption does not come easy in the two-hour season premiere, on NBC at 8 PM. Claire, trying to escape her past, heads to college (with that possible lesbian tryst coming up) and garners more attention than she would like following a strange death. Matriarch Angela worries that her son Nathan will truly self-actualize; and Peter, while trying to use his powers for good, must turn and help a friend in need. In the meantime, a mysterious clan is on their way to greet a familiar face.

The Big Bang Theory -
Why did Leonard go to the arctic circle?! What was he thinking? Because now, when Sheldon throws a hissy fit and takes off for Texas, after the boys' experiment, the friends follow... killing Leonard's chance for a romantic reunion with Penny. Your poking and prodding us to commit already and include this show has finally worked, so tune in to CBS at 9:30 PM.

House
So just how crazy is the smartest doctor on television? Here's hoping he kicks the dead girl out of his brain — we've got insane diseases to cure and it's never Lupus. Yes, we are covering House now you all win again. The two hour season premiere is at 8 PM on Fox tonight.

Movies:
Ben Stiller brings all the wax things to life at the Museum of Natural History and then slaps around a monkey: Comedy! Night At The Museum is on FX at 5:30 PM.

Tuesday:

Say goodbye to Warehouse 13 the right way, with an all day Syfy marathon starting at 9 AM.

Warehouse 13 -
In the season finale (yes, it's only been a dozen episodes, but man, haven't they been fairly awesome?!) Artie and our agents catch up to MacPherson when he's trying to sell off items he's stolen from the warehouse. Did he even think this plan through? Oh, wait, yes. Turns out he's had a plan the whole time. Say goodbye to America's attic, for now, at 9 PM on Syfy.

The Universe -
Will the apocalypse destroy Earth itself? Or will some villain hurl it into the sun? Tonight, ten scenarios for Earth's destruction are imagined. Included: annihilating it with antimatter, being sucked into a black hole, and stopping gravity itself. Enjoy your favorite apocalyptic moments, on the History Channel at 9 PM.

The Colony -
Tonight on the Discovery Channel at10 PM the "survivors" wait is over. The colonists have managed to establish food for themselves, build weapons to fortify their positions, come up with renewable energy and built their own cooking and sanitation systems. Now can the colonists complete their escape truck and fortify their defenses before the marauder's final offensive drive?

Wednesday:

Eastwick -
Seriously, this "Desperate Housewitches" new show looks trashy and outrageous, and has definite potential to become the show we watch religiously but never tell anyone about. Anyway, the show centers around three women who bump coins and are suddenly intertwined in each other's lives. When a mysterious devilish man makes his way into town, he'll either teach the women how to harness their powers, or let their freak flags fly. Or both. The adaptation of John Updike's The Witches of Eastwick begins tonight on ABC at 10 PM.

Destination Truth -
Josh and the team investigate King Tut's curse by locking Josh inside the tomb and trying not to let him fall asleep ... or get killed by the most famous Egyptian, at 10 PM on the Syfy Channel

Thursday:

FlashForward -
FlashForward is ABC's slightly less trashy attempt at adapting a famous novel. Based on the classic book by Robert J. Sawyer, the television series changes more than a little of the original storyline about people seeing the future. On the small screen, it has become a star-studded ensemble, including a mysterious man named Simon (played by Dominic Monaghan). People around the world glimpse two minutes and 17 seconds of their future, six months ahead of time, causing mass casualties and terrible panic. Our first protagonists, Mark and Demetri, are thrown into a car crash following the worldwide blackout. Back at FBI headquarters, they try to figure out how to begin to make sense of the reason behind the blackouts, on ABC at 8 PM

Take a look at the first 17 minutes here if you dare. Bonus points if you can spot the Famous Jett Jackson and Seth MacFarlane in this promo.

Vampire Diaries -
This week in this "still not True Blood" show, Elena tries not to listen to her friend's warning about Stefan's weird vibes as he begins to ... try to fit in at high school like a regular teen. Instead, Elena invites Stefan to dinner with her and Bonnie, to try to get the two on better terms, but the romance is interrupted by Damon and easily impressionable Caroline. It's vampires and teen drama and boring sad men who wear terrible man-rings only on the CW at 8 PM.

Supernatural -
Sam's ready to hang it all up, give up on chasing demons and angels, but then he meets a mysterious girl who threatens to change his mind. Dean, meanwhile, continues his hunt for the Archangel Raphael so he can get to God. Are the bros split for good? It's the end of days again at 9 PM on the CW.

Fringe -
The team heads to Pennsylvania (Does this mean Olivia's back on her feet? Or are they teaming with the new lady agent instead?) The freak of the week seems to involve the subterranean disappearance of a construction worker. Also, more Walter craziness when he tries to shift some frogs to another reality. New Fringe at 9 PM on Fox.

Friday:

Dollhouse -
Now that we've visited the future of Joss Whedon's mind-warping universe (in an unaired season finale), we're back to the present, and the Dollhouse is open for business again. Will Echo be someone sexy tonight? More importantly, how's Whiskey going to deal with her unpleasant discoveries about her true nature?

Smallville -
In the season premiere tonight on CW at 8 PM, Clark has finally taken on the role of protector of Metropolis, donning a black and gray suit to stick to the shadows and become known only as The Blur, forgoing his humanity for the time being. As the hero hunts for the woman he loves, Chloe seeks to reunite the Justice League, a move that may ultimately lead to a dangerous chasm between the two friends.

Ghost Whisperer -
Jennifer Love Hewitt is back to see dead people at 8 PM on CBS. And possibly to pass that gift down to her son. The season premiere, directed by Hewitt, jumps ahead five years in the future to show us just how special her son truly is.

Movies:

Superman Returns, and everything has gone to hell, in the director's cut three-hour-long film, on FX at 8 PM.

Saturday:

Movies:

It's Children of the Corn day over at Syfy starting with Children of the Corn 4 at 11 AM, followed by the 5th film, the 6th film, then Revelations and finally the Syfy retelling of the original, one after the other.

Sunday:

Movies:
Ready yourself for the new Judge Dredd, by rehashing the original, on Syfy at 10 AM.

Librarians get a whole lot sexier when ER doc Noah Wyle does his best Indiana Jones imitation in The Librarian: The: Quest for the Spear it's like Indiana Jones, but with more magic and reading. Check out the Emmy nominated series on TBS at 8 PM.

Before we made them blue and took over their worlds, we were the victims of aliens. Remember the days when we were in the right, with Independence Day on TNT at 8 PM.

Monday:

There's a Tru Calling marathon on Syfy from 8 AM through 3 PM.

Super Hero Squad Show -
Hulk, Thor, Iron Man, Wolverine, Captain America and more fight villains around the world, including the cuddliest version of Dr. Doom ever. Then they all hang out with Barack Obama, because that is all superheroes do anymore. Two episodes begin on Cartoon Network at 7 PM.

Movies:

Billy Bob Thorton stars as a farmer who decides to build his own rocket in his back yard in The Astronaut Farmer. Cook some french friend potaters and watch it on AMC at 8 PM. Oh wait... eh, nevermind.

Tuesday:

There's an all-day Sanctuary marathon on Syfy during normal work hours, call in sick and hang out with the monsters and Amanda Tapping's fake accent.

The Universe -
A look at ringed planets includes Earth (for its human-made satellites) and dissects what the rings reveal about the origins of galaxies, on the History Channel at 9 PM.

Warehouse 13 -
Here's hoping we continue to see more karmically cursed Claudia, strong-willed Artie and a less depressing Pete this week. This week at 9 PM on the Syfy, Myka heads off to visit her father (remember her daddy issues from a few episodes ago?) and finds half an artifact once belonging to Edgar Allen Poe. Was her turn in the Warehouse more fated than we've been led to believe? Regardless, the other half becomes problematic at a high school in Oregon.

Surviving Disasters -
If you live in hurricane country, or desperately believe the apocalypse will bring with it major floods, tonight at 10 PM on Spike, Cade is going show you how to cross flooded streets and a fast-moving river, and how to get to higher ground. And even take refuge in abandoned homes.

The Colony -
The post-apocalyptic colonists and their plans for a scout vehicle are underway while they begin customizing their escape truck. Where are they escaping to? No clue. But meanwhile, traders return, bringing dismay to some and causing tempers to flare, on Discovery at 10 PM.

Wednesday:

Ghost Hunters -
Why do they always hunt in the dark? Alright, may be that's a stupid question, but still, come on guys! This week at 9 PM on Syfy the team heads to New Jersey to probe the Union County Courthouse in Elizabeth with the help of Bruce tango.

Destination Truth -
Spirit possessions are investigated in Mexico, including a creepy, eye-opening experience playing with dolls. Also, the team heads to the Bahamas for island spirits, on Syfy at 10 PM.

Movies:

Denzel Washington is a time-shifting government agent who heads backward to try to stop a terrorist attack, in Déjà Vu on FX at 8 PM.

Thursday:

Fringe -
Agent Olivia Dunham, and everyone's favorite mad-hatter scientist, return! Of course when we left them, the former was in an alternate universe with Leonard Nimoy and the twin towers, and the latter was crying over ... his son's grave? Tonight, Congress decides to take an interest in the Fringe division, and Olivia finds her way back to her own dimension whilst hunting down a mysterious entity that's chasing her — but when isn't a mysterious entity hunting our "special" agent down? So, will the sexual tension peak this season? Will we get more Original Spock? Is the blonde agent going to have some other-dimensional competition for sexiest brooding FBI problem child? Hopefully not, probably not, and most definitely. Season two begins on FOX at 9 PM do not miss it!

Vampire Diaries -
Vicki is recovering from her attack, and starts to remember bits and pieces of what happened. Stefan, of course, is dying to prevent her from actually recalling the events of the evening. Elena is off meeting hottie Damon, who reveals secrets of Stefan's past and Jeremy struggles with feeeeeelings, on the CW at 8 PM.

Supernatural -
Sam and Dean must save small-town inhabitants, when they are confused by a spell causing them all to act like demons and commit murder. Can't this world ever stay saved? The second episode of this season is on the CW at 9 PM.

Here's three clips from tonight's ep:

Movies:

Gary Sinise's doomed Mission to Mars in on Syfy at 9 PM. Red Planet versus Mission To Mars — which is better? Fight!

Friday:

Eureka -
Say farewell to the Eureka townfolk and their can-do attitude, in the season finale on Syfy at 9 PM. The third season (part two) ends with Tess receiving a great new job offer ... in Australia, and Zoe gets ready to leave for Harvard. Carter, meanwhile, is off avoiding his female issues and instead dealing with a magnetic disturbance above the town.

The Troop -
A boy named Jake heads this live-action, CGI-blended show that Nickelodeon is branding as comedy/scifi. Jake wants to create his own comic book and is recruited by a school counselor to join The Troop, a group that aims to protect the world from other-wordly creatures and monsters. Three eps air tonight on Nickelodeon beginning at 8 PM.

Movies:

One of very few women who can shave her head and still look beautiful (that's Natalie Portman, for you not following) stars in the film adaption of Alan Moore's V for Vendetta on MTV at 10 PM.

Saturday:

If you've been clamoring for a darker version of Jumanji, have no fear - it has been made, folks. And it stars everyone's favorite doll, Eliza Dushku on Syfy at 9 PM. Open Graves chronicles the trails of silly American students studying in Spain as they come across a sinister board game. One where the loser ... well, dies, naturally.

Sunday:

Since I know you, like me, are mourning the end of True Blood's season, feel free to keep Vamp Sundays alive with Ann Rice's Interview with the Vampire, on Syfy at 6:30 PM.

Monday:

An all-day marathon of Ghost Hunters turns into a mini-marathon of Ghost Whisperer on Syfy beginning at 8 AM with TAPS, and switching to Jennifer Love Hewitt's whispers at 7 PM.

Movies:

James Bond proves the real meaning of Anglo-Soviet cooperation in a love pod and we get probably the coolest car ever in the form of a suborghini in The Spy Who Loved Me on BBC America at 4 PM.

Tuesday:

Warehouse 13 -
Artie's being questioned by Mrs. Frederic and the Regents, as Pete and Myka and Claudia are stuck in the Warehouse facing a fiery predicament — that may very well make all thousands of the artifacts in the house go haywire, on Syfy at 9 PM.

Surviving Disaster -
This week at 10 PM on Spike, learn how to traverse a burning building, navigate through flames and flame-filled corridors, how to break through walls and even how to rappel to safety from a burning building (all handy tools for the apocalypse).

The Colony -
One colonist, Joey, has a kidney stone; with no electricity and no communication with the outside world, just how painful will it be? Mike and Vlad head out on a recon mission and run into a dangerous situation. Still not sure if this reality TV show on Discovery at 10 PM has the ability to convince me that the contestants truly believe in their make-believe surroundings — maybe fake kidney stones will work this week. I still think they should start a zombie outbreak.

Movies:

Nic Cage dons the flaming ghost head of terrible acting, in Ghost Rider. Cage plays Johnny Blaze, the devil's bounty hunter, and sucks Eva Mendes into his fiery web (yes, that was a comic mix of metaphors) on FX at 7:30 PM.

Wednesday:

Ghost Hunters -
There's a Syfy series cross over at 9 PM tonight, Josh Gates of Destination Truth joins TAPS as the group heads inside a New Jersey prison in the hunt for stuck souls.

Destination Truth -
The premiere for this "is it real and can we touch it... No? okay" show is on at 10 PM on Syfy. Josh Gates attempts to explain supernatural sightings around the globe.

Movies:

Arnold attempts to foil Satan's plans for conquering the world on New Year's Eve 1999 in End of Days on AMC at 8 PM.

Thursday:

Vampire Diaries -

Dear Diary,
This year, I asked for a great campy vamp show to get me through the long winter weeks without True Blood. Instead, I have been given this show about a brooding, orphaned teenage girl and the vamps who love to smell her in the hallways. Yet another vamp adaptation from books.
Thanks a lot.

Elena is beyond happy to capture the attention of Stefan during the first days at a school, where everyone looks too old and too pretty. The dark hottie in her history class who sometimes has fangs is enchanting trouble. On the plus side, LOST's Ian Somerhalder stars as the even hotter villain. Witness Ian's terrible villainous laughter on the CW's 8 PM series premiere.

Supernatural -
The fifth season opens as brothers Dean and Sam have helped to bump up the date for the apocalypse, and Lucifer has come to Earth to prove it. They must also deal with the sad news from Chuck the Prophet that Castiel was blown away by the archangels. On CW at 9 PM.

Movies:

Genetically altered sharks terrorize those experimenting with them — and don't miss the best ever Samuel L. Jackson CG tirade — in Deep Blue Sea on Syfy at 9 PM.

Friday:

Eureka -
Syfy is wrapping up this genius-town show, at 9 PM. It's Tess' first day in charge at Global Dynamics, an Arctic ice core drops the temperature in Eureka drastically and to top it all off, Dr. Jim Taggart returns to town. Tess will no doubt be having a case of the Mondays.

Movies:

Quarantine the remake of 2007 Spanish horror film [REC] and shaky cam film extraordinaire, chronicles the last night of an apartment building, on Starz at 7:30 PM.

Saturday:

The venerable Hercules — Kevin Sorbo — stars as a small town hero in the made-for-tv movie Lightning Strikes, in which a monster rides a lightning bolt (!) down to the ground on Syfy at 9 PM.

Sunday:

True Blood -
The season finale of this breasts-and-blood epic airs tonight. True chaos finally takes over, as Maryann casts Sookie in a starring role in her grand sacrificial ceremony. Sophie-Anne lays down instructions for Eric regarding Bill, Hoyt may finally be pulling out of his mother's grasp, Jason kicks a little ass and hopefully, Eggs gets scrambled. Do not miss our last hour of HBO's slutty vampires at 9 PM.

The Girl Who Cries Blood -
A blood specialist travels to India to check out a girl who spontaneously cries blood and tries to explain it. I've got it — she's a VAMPIRE, oh and she's related to this kid. Thanks to True Blood for bringing to light this sign of vamps. Witness the eye bleeding at 9 PM on the National Geographic Channel.

Defying Gravity -
The ship goes on high alert when a solar flare may result in deadly levels of radiation. Also, the mysterious force cooped up in Pod 4 makes its presence felt, but not quite seen yet. Are you guys thrilled, or excited this dramatic scifi series is wrapping up? Watch the end on ABC at 10 PM.

Monday:

9/11: Science and Conspiracy -
Conspiracy theories abound about the tragedy of 9/11. Tonight, experts weigh in on how plausible any of the most prominent theories really are, plus some thrilling simulations. That's on the National Geographic Channel at 9 PM.

Movies:

Miss The Storm's original airing on NBC this summer? Don't worry Spike is giving you another chance. It's a typhoon of "that guy from that show" style actors in the two-parter made for TV movie. The ensemble cast of Treat Williams, James Van Der Beek, Luke Perry, John Larroquette, and the dude from JAG all play a part in controlling the Earth's weather, which I'm pretty sure will spiral out of control along with some mad grab power struggle culminating in a giant wet mess over a famous statue or building of some kind. Don't miss the first half at 8 PM, followed quickly by the second.

Tuesday:

Weird, True & Freaky -
The second of two new episodes of this show profiles people who've had plastic surgery to look like animals, including leopards and tigers. Fill your cat-people quota, on Animal Planet at 6:30 PM — long before AVATAR comes out.

Warehouse 13 -
Joe Morton from Eureka guest stars, and Claudia ... changes a light bulb? Meanwhile Pete and Myka head out to the prison system of Florida to explain some unexplained suicides. Fingers crossed it's a better version of The Happening, which wouldn't be too hard. Find out at 9 PM on Syfy.

Nova scienceNow -
Michel Gondry would do well to watch when Nova tackles the real science of sleep and the role memories play into it; also, paleontologist Jonathan Bloch's search for the pre-primate missing link on PBS at 9 PM.

Surviving Disaster -
The series premiere is tonight. This how-to show features a host acting out alternative history and what-if scenarios on camera, to teach the audience how to handle themselves during tragic moments. The first episode is at 10 PM, but if it doesn't tackle angel wars, zombie attacks, The Day After Tomorrow type storms and plagues, then what good is it?

The Colony -
We're really sorry we didn't find this series earlier, only because we would have been including it in the roundups. So apologies all around. The Colony is a social experiment, reality TV series where a random crew of people are forced to rebuild a society after a viral attack has left the world devastated. The Discovery Channel show is on at 10 PM, and while the mentality of the survivors doesn't seem all that believable, because the world didn't actually end, and there aren't any real threats — and we're pretty sure the marauders can't beat up the old man with bats and leave him to die in front of the others — it's still interesting at times. This week, the colonists trek across the river and encounter missionaries and new arrivals, who of course cause some tension. And the group is forced to make a sacrifice.

Movies:

John Travolta's super brain powers are tested on Encore at 8 PM, in Phenomenon. Or as we call it, the worst genius movie ever that we always end up watching over and over, for no real reason.

Wednesday:

Weird, True & Freaky -
The medicinal value of animals around the globe is investigated, on Animal Planet at 6:30 PM.

Movies:
Kurt Russell and James Spader headline the original 1994 film about discovering other worlds after deciphering the code on an Egyptian artifact in Stargate on AMC at 8 PM. And if you haven't had enough space-operatic thrills, hang on because Star Trek: Nemesis is on the same channel at 10:30 PM. (Although "thrills" is used loosely in connection with that second movie.)

Thursday:

Animal Armageddon -
The Animal Planet show about prehistoric creatures returns after a hiatus with volcanic eruptions more than 250 million years ago, and the impact they had on the animal life at the time. Be there or be extinct at 6:30 PM.

Movies:

Mel Brooks' classic parody of the horror genre Young Frankenstein, starring Gene Wilder, is on AMC at 8 PM.

Friday:

Eureka -
False alarm — there's no new ep, but let the mourning of Nathan Stark commence all over again with an all-day Eureka marathon with random episodes beginning on Syfy at 8 AM and airing all night, including the pilot episode at 11 PM.

Movies:

Earth is attacked by Martians in the original The War of the Worlds at 8 PM on TCM.

Saturday:

Mythbusters -
Labor Day weekend means fewer new shows and more marathons. Case in point: Mythbusters runs throughout the night beginning on Discovery at 6 PM, and on and on.

Movies:

The Matrix is on A&E at 3 PM, and later part two (Remember when the Coen brothers tried to call it a trilogy?), The Matrix: Reloaded is on 8 PM over at Bravo.

Sunday:

Defying Gravity -
No NEW TRUE BLOOD means I may actually see what the fuss is about this show. This week, Halloween aboard ship brings hallucinations instead of treats, and may hinder Goss' plans for worldwide promotion of the mission, on ABC at 10 PM.

There is no True Blood tonight.

Movies:

Watch Peter Parker begin his descent into angst, Spider-Man 2 airs at 7:30 PM on FOX.

Monday:

Clash of the Gods -
On a realllly slow night, catch up on what made Hades keeper of the Underworld, as well as Greek beliefs in the afterlife. On History Channel at 10 PM.

Movies:
Watch Paul W.S. Anderson's Death Race starring Jason Statham and dream of what the prequel/sequel will be like. On Cinemax at 8:15 PM.

Tuesday:

Nova -
Learn about personal genetic profiles, which could predict your likelihood of certain diseases, and discover a Texas algae farm, where they turn the green stuff into biofuel. On PBS at 9 PM.

Warehouse 13 -
Pete and Myka have to repossess a samurai sword that is about to be given to the President, and they discover an evil version of their Warehouse. There's a rival "collector" competing for their items — maybe we'll finally get a recurring adversary for our duo. That's on Syfy at 9 PM.

The Universe -
A new season of Universe begins with dying stars, stars turning supernova and their effects, and the real threat posed by Earth's nearby stars. Discover a whole new danger, on the History Channel at 9 PM.

Movies:
An earthquake drops a little-league baseball player into Camelot — yes, that Camelot — in A Kid in King Arthur's Court. The best part is keeping your eyes peeled for appearances from Kate Winslet and the newest James Bond, on Disney XD at 5 PM.

Wednesday:

MonsterQuest -
Large tigers, or maybe jaguars, which roam the eastern states, take a bite out of the season finale on the History Channel at 9 PM.

Movies:
Isaac Asimov's stories "inspired" the 2004 Will Smith vehicle I, Robot, but will you be inspired to watch it on FX at 5:30 PM?

Thursday:

CSI: -
On an extremely slow night, CSI is a repeat of an episode that sends the team to Comic Con-esque convention where a TV producer who's planning on remaking a beloved science fiction series is murdered. Watch to make fun of the obvious stereotypes, and keep an eye open for Ronald D. Moore, on CBS at 9 PM.

Movies:
It's scifi movie throwback day on FMC, beginning with 1956's On the Threshold of Space at 10:30 AM and culminating with the attack of live mold from space in 1958 in Space Master X-7 at 8 PM.

Friday:

Eureka -
Allison's baby shower means eco-friendly gifts! Also, drowned scientists are found, where drowning isn't really the most logical explanation. Time to celebrate, on Syfy at 9 PM.

Monk -
Monk faces is up against what may or may not be an alien abduction, when a girl goes missing a and small town has reports of a UFO, on USA at 9 PM.

Movies:
Soothe your apprehensions about the upcoming "next generation" sequel by watching the original Ghostbusters, on AMC at 8 PM.

Saturday:

Being Human -
Mitchell gets sucked into the vampires plot and before he learns a tad bit about what they're really all about, he's recruiting the terminally ill. Meanwhile, George struggles not to tell Nina about his ... time of the month. Annie has had enough of the household poltergeisting and decides to put it to good use, but with mixed results. On BBC America at 9 PM.

Movies:
Syfy continues it's epic run of original movies with Phantom Racer. It's a beautifully fast race car with 550 horsepower, that only runs ... on blood. Yes, I just said blood. Starring Greg Evigan of My Two Dads fame — watch the racer's hood clamp down on people at 9 PM.

Or if possessed cars aren't your thing, Batman Begins is on AMC at 8 PM.

Sunday:

True Blood -
Hell is itching to break out in Bon Temps as Bill, Sookie and Jason return home to town controlled by a very different power. Sam and Andy, meanwhile, have been lured to Merlotte's and are avoiding the bloodthirsty townfolk at all costs. Maryann can't be controlled by a simple glamour (did anyone except Bill really think she could?); Hoyt and Jessica confront Maxine; Sookie reaches out to Tara. Hopefully we'll see the return of fighting Tara and stronger Sam soon, because this maenad is seriously getting on my nerves.

Defying Gravity -
When does stop mean stop forever? The crew decides where their own limits are, way out in space, on ABC at 10 PM.

Movies:
The Showtime series about a girl who turns into a grim reaper and collects souls has a movie wrapping up loose ends: Dead Like Me: Life After Death is on Syfy at 9 PM.

Monday:

Is It True? -
This new reality series searches out the truth about monster sightings, urban legends and plain old stories circulating the web. In tonight's premiere, the host sets out to discover the truth behind the Florida Skunk Ape sightings, and see if it really is possible for an airplane to land with only one wing, on Discovery at 10 PM.

Movies:
The beginning of the middle — Star Wars Episode IV — is on Spike at 6 PM. Or you can watch the second coming of the Ice Age in The Day After Tomorrow on FX at 5:30 PM.

Tuesday:

Better Off Ted -
Tonight ABC gives us an hour of Better Off Ted as a bittersweet season finale. First Linda gets a phony "green" project to keep her busy. Then Veronica's secret life is revealed by an invention, and Linda decides to play matchmaker ... for Ted. The final first-season episodes are on ABC at 9 PM. and then we have to wait until its midseason premiere for more.

Warehouse 13 -
A former Warehouse agent left some unfinished business for Pete and Myka to complete, on Syfy at 9 PM.

That's Impossible -
This show features mind-reading and mind control, along with the possibility of brainwave technology to enable mental communication. Also, computers that can read minds. Why didn't the Enterprise have that? I feel it would have made ordering food so much easier. On History Channel at 10 PM.

Movies:
Spike continues the saga with Star Wars Episode V at 6 PM.

Wednesday:

MonsterQuest -
Wild chimps are explored and reports of chimp attacks are researched. Chimpanzees may be cute but tonight discover their viciousness and their survival skills. On History Channel at 9 PM.

Movies:
Keep your fingers crossed for a third Christopher Nolan Batman, while Batman Begins is on AMC at 10 PM.

Thursday:

Eureka -
There's nothing new tonight, but catch up on Season 3.5, when Syfy begins its mini-marathon from 7 PM till midnight.

Movies:
The ridiculous adaptation of Doom, starring The Rock, is on TBS at 10 PM. Rob Zombie's family drama sequel The Devil's Rejects is on IFC at 10:15 PM.

Friday:

Eureka -
Carter has to determine if the return of Henry's ship is linked to the electrical anomalies scaring the town. That's on Syfy at 9 PM.

Movies:
A slacker tries to pull his life together ... while battling the zombies taking over London. The horror spoof Shaun of the Dead is on Comedy Central at 4:30 PM. Steven Spielberg's Close Encounters of the Third Kind, about visitors from space and awesome potato sculptures, is on TV Land at 9 PM.

Saturday:

Being Human -
Mitchell befriends a 12-year-old and Lauren returns to test his willpower, or does she? Meanwhile, since Annie has finally figured out Owen's true nature, she becomes, well, a terror. And George and Nina's romance slows down on BBC America at 9 PM.

Movies:
The Terminators pits human resistance fighters against cyborgs built to serve mankind. This straight-to-video knock-off of James Cameron's classic airs on Syfy at 9 PM.

Sunday:

True Blood -
Eric gets inside Sookie's head, as we get even closer to the greatest bloody love triangle of the year becoming a reality. Hoyt sticks up for Jess and their adorably awkward relationship. Tara's family members finally try to pry her from the grips of Maryann (but for the wrong reasons) and Sam is still avoiding the obsessed Maenad. Meanwhile, AVL spokesperson Nan Flanagan reacts to the Dallas events and Godric surprises the vamp community, all on HBO at 9 PM.

Defying Gravity -
The ship's operating systems shut down for no apparent reason, leading to a severe reminder of Virtuality and more bewilderment as to why that show never had a chance. Meanwhile, we wait for Ron Livingston to use his acting chops, on ABC at 10 PM.

Monday:

Shark Week: Deadly Waters -
Survivorman's Les Stroud takes on the deadliest water in the world. Using historical data, he will test the hotspots of the ocean and try to discover just why these spots are the deadliest on Earth, on the Discovery Channel at 9 PM.

Shark Week: Day of the Shark 2 -
Divers are trapped inside a shark cage after a great white breaks out of it — while a different shark attacks a former Navy Seal, and a bull shark joins a spear-fishing trip in the Bahamas. Without careful attention, your ocean trip can easily turn dangerous, on Discovery at 10 PM.

Movies:
Biker werewolves hunt down a boy who is the missing link between man and their species, and is destined to destroy their kind. Skinwalkers, starring Jason Behr of Roswell, is on TMC at 8:15 PM.

Tuesday:

Warehouse 13 -
Need a Stargate fix? Tune into Warehouse for a guest spot by Joe Flanigan, aka Sheppard — don't worry, his hair is still a scraggly mess. But Shep's not the only newcomer — last week's new cute hacker, Claudia, joins the team...Will the latest additions to the Warehouse churn up some sexual chemistry? Most likely, this is what Flanigan's hair was put on this Earth to do: relive the SGA glory days on Syfy, at 9 PM.

That's Impossible -
Death rays and laser cannons, oh my! Weapons from science fiction movies are examined in this show that discovers just how probable stuff of fiction really is, on History Channel at 10 PM.

Shark Week!: Sharkbite Summer -
Shark attacks from 2001's Summer of the Shark are recounted, using first-hand accounts of what happened and visits to the scene of the attacks. A shark bites "clean through a boy's arm," on the Discovery Channel, at 9 PM.

Movies:
Two San Franciscans (well, kinda, since one is a humanoid) hunt down an extraterrestrial murderer in Alien Nation on FMC at 8 PM.

Wednesday:

Monsters Inside Me -
A parasite nom nom noms on your brains. Zombie parasites! Someone watch and let me know because the last episode of this "if you eat, breath or touch this, it could kill you" show kept me indoors in a sanitized tent for days. Monsters is on Animal Planet at 9 PM. Watch if you dare.

Shark Week! Man vs. Fish -
In the debut of this reality show, extreme fisherman Matt Watson heads to New Zealand to face off with a mako shark ... while aboard a sinking raft, all on Discovery at 10 PM.

Movies:
Three old men discover the healing properties of the pool next door, and the aliens who own it, in Cocoon on FMC at 10 PM.

Thursday:

Shark Week! Shark After Dark -
Aiming to learn more about how sharks behave after the sun sets, a team of divers tracks sharks around the world with the latest technology, to try to learn more about the aggressive animals, on Discovery at 9 PM.

Movies:
A man pops out of a board game and brings with him a stampede of elephants, monkeys driving cop cars and a hairy creature named Robin Williams. Jumanji is on AMC at 8 PM.

Friday:

Eureka -
The town's teenagers have been manipulated into building a strange structure out of electronics and scrap metal, on Syfy at 9 PM.

Movies:
Paleontologist Alan Grant is headed back to the infamous dinosaur island, accompanied with a group of idiots whose main purpose seems to endanger the lives of others, or create interesting plot points. JP3 is on MTV at 10 PM.

Saturday:

Being Human -
Annie meets another ghost, and she learns why she has been stranded here on Earth, and how to move on. Meanwhile, the forever miserable Mitchell continues to wean Lauren off blood, on BBC America at 9 PM.

Movies:
James Cameron's Oscar-winning sequel Aliens about returning to the space colony where it all began 57 years before is on Spike at 8 PM.

Cameron night continues, as we watch John Connor growing up in Terminator 2. Is the "mimetic polyalloy" T-1000 the best Terminator ever? We say yes. T2 is on Bravo at 9 PM.

Sunday:

True Blood -
In Dallas, Sookie's trials take a turn when Eric shows up just before the Fellowship's lockdown. Back home, Sam discovers a gruesome thing in his bar, and there doesn't appear to be anyone leaping to his defense. But more Jessica and Hoyt hook-up time is promised (yay!).

Raging Planet -
This new series premieres with two episodes, beginning with the dissection of tornadoes and their paths of destruction and followed with an episode about lightning, including some cool footage of how it's "born," on the Discovery Channel at 9 PM.

Defying Gravity -
A strange force on the crew's ship Antares begins to have extreme results on the astronauts' biology and personalities. More sexy space dreams, on ABC at 10 PM.

Monday:

Spectacular Spider-Man -
Venom and his big mouth — he totally ruins Spidey's cover by blurting out his secret identity. Will Venom's leak put Peter's family in danger?

There's an all day Doctor Who marathon on the Syfy channel right this second.

Movies:

V for Vendetta -
In a dystopian future in Britain, a man in a Guy Fawkes mask named V seeks to bring down the government with a violent plan. Based on the Alan Moore/David Lloyd comic series and starring Natalie Portman, on FX at 10:30 PM.

Tuesday:

Warehouse 13 -
Artie discovers the source of the security breach ... when she kidnaps him and asks him for help righting a wrong from their past, that killed her brother. The sexy steampunk show about "America's attic" airs on SyFy at 9 PM.

Comic Con Preview of Warehouse 13

Better Off Ted -
Veridian goes green? Ted gives Linda a phony "green" project which gets a little out of hand when others want to help on ABC at 9:30 PM.

That's Impossible -
Jonathan Frakes narrates this series about science catching up with our imaginations. Tonight, replacement limbs grown in labs are examined, as well as microscopic robots designed to rid the body of deadly diseases and processes to reverse aging on the History channel at 10 PM.

Movies:
Van Helsing, and his fabulous hat, both hunt down Dracula, on FX at 7 PM.

Wednesday:

Monsters Inside Me -
The, "bugs, germs, parasites they are everywhere — quick, lock me in my bathtub" show is back, and this time introduces you to Parastic infestations in the southeast. So much for your plans to travel there.

MonsterQuest -
Strange flying creatures of legends and folklore are examined. Along with video proof of the human-like creatures, a strange corpse is looked at with hopes of identifying these eerie monsters. On the History Channel at 9 PM.

Movies:
See the movie that REALLY put Alan Moore over the edge into hating the movie industry, on FX: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen airs at 8 PM, but Moore may send Promethea to your house to beat you up if you watch it.

Thursday:

Moments of Impact -
A shark attacks a scuba diver, a couple is thrown from their boat, and a construction worker has to leap from a building on Discovery channel at 9 PM.

Movies:
Tom Sizemore stars in a movie about a half-rat, half-dog creature that emerges from the sewers, and it's actually a science experiment gone wrong. Looks to be... slimy. Bottom Feeder is on SyFy at 8 PM.

Friday:

Eureka -
A green blob visits, along with rivals from Area 51, for a bowling tournament. Meanwhile, Carter looks into what seem to be a series of pranks... involving science, we're guessing. On SyFy at 9 PM.

Comic Con Preview Of Eureka:

Movies:
The extended version of Spiderman 2 adds eight minutes of tentacled Doctor Octopus, as he takes on Spidey, as well as more Mary Jane-Peter Parker angst at 5:30 PM. The less-than-spectacular Superman Returns follows at 7 PM.

You saw the thigh-strapped cosplay Lara ladies this past weekend, now see the real thing. Angelina Jolie is video-game heroine Lara Croft searching for Pandora's Box in Lara Croft: Cradle of Life on TNT at 9 PM.

Saturday:

Being Human -
A fellow werewolf befriends George, and Mitchell mistakenly invites him to crash with the roommates. Turns out he's hell to live with... literally. Gripping drama with possibly some of the best ensemble chemistry I've seen in a while is on BBC America, at 9 PM.

Movies:
A hero must defeat a dragon summoned by a warlord with purty hair, and a black heart. Continuing the new movie on SyFy Saturday at 9 PM. Seriously if you don't watch Dragonquest at least once a month, you'll go insane, which is why the government requires a weekly airing of this Quaid feature.

Sunday:

True Blood -
Daphne, you are such a bia. And Sookie is told to go work on her boyfriend Bill by the Fellowship — can she pretend to be a normal and kind human being long enough to avoid getting her and her friends all killed? Most likely, no. True Blood is on HBO at 9 PM.

Comic Con Preview of True Blood, I'm going to write about it later when I find the words to describe what is hidden in here. UNBELIEVABLE:

Defying Gravity -
The series premiere gives us four men and four women as they head out for a six-year journey into space... and sexiness. Starring Ron Livingston of Office Space fame, the series centers around the crew's mission to Venus and their intertwined pasts, and looks like a space odyssey-esque Grey's Anatomy.

Blood in the Water -
Shark Week is here! And it begins with this special. So get excited — it's science with teeth and blood. And remember to live every week like it's Shark Week, on the Discovery Channel at 9 PM.

Movies:
The movie that opened on Christmas day, because it's a religious experience is airing on FX at 11 PM. It's Alien vs. Predator Requiem, people. Baby Jesus would want you to watch it.

Additional reporting and writing by Caitlin Petrakovitz.

Monday:

Spectacular Spider-Man -
Venom is back, and talkin' like a frat guy. Spidey and Venom will have a bro-off, after Venom totally frames the wall-crawler. Meanwhile, alien spores infect John Jameson. The latest episode is on 7:30 PM on Disney XD.

Torchwood: Children of Earth -
Finally, your chance to watch the miniseries that's gotten rave reviews in the U.K. Tonight, discover a whole new side to Captain Jack Harkness, the slutty blue-eyed rogue who's a friend to both the women and the boys. Meanwhile, one morning, all the children of the world freeze in their tracks, and it's up to the team to figure out why — before the world ends. New Torchwood is on BBC America at 9 PM, and it's preceded by "Inside The Hub," a one-hour special that'll give you a crash course in all things Torchwood. Also, after the episode ends at 10:15, there'll be an extra 15 minutes of behind-the scenes featurettes and interviews.

Movies:
Matthew Vaughn, director of the upcoming Kick-Ass, brings us a not-so-sweet story about a man who finds a fallen star that turns into a beautiful woman (Claire Danes), in Stardust. Unfortunately an old witch, played by Michelle Pfieffer, wants nothing more than to cut said star's heart out for her own use. Plus Robert De Niro like you've never seen him before. The movie airs on TMC at 8 PM.

Tuesday:

Warehouse 13 -
The freak of the week on Warehouse 13 is forcing people to act our their subconscious desires. Meanwhile everyone's favorite crazy uncle, Artie, manages tries to discover the source of those wild power surges. America's attic airs on SyFy at 9 PM.

Better Off Ted -
Veronica is fighting the CEO of another big company (who happens to be her father). I know, we're as shocked as you are — we always assumed beautiful, gorgeous, comedic genius Porita was chemically made, like that bio computer from a few months back. Phil and Lem look for a cure for baldness, and we have to meet Ted's father in the show I now call, "Please get off my TV, title character, you're wasting my Phil and Lem time," on ABC at 9 PM.

Torchwood: Children of Earth -
Part Two begins on BBC America at 9 PM. Trust me you. won't. want. to. miss. it.

Movies:
Robin Williams desecrates our dead Presidents, and Stiller doles out more of that wacky "bup bup boop boop" delivery that was so successful for some reason in the early 00s. But that being said, the tiny living dioramas are delightful. It's like Mannequin, but you don't want to sleep with Teddy Roosevelt. Night at the Museum is on FX at 8:30 PM.

Wednesday:

Monsters Inside Me -
You know why people wear shoes? So they don't get threadworm which travels up your esophagus to reproduce in your lungs and basically hang out in your body for years without being detected, so that's why. Learn to fear the ground on Animal Planet at 9 PM.

Not The Specific One, But The Same Idea

MonsterQuest -
Feral-dog packs that attack humans are investigated on the History Channel at 9 PM.

Torchwood: Children of Earth -
In part three, everything the show's been building up to so far comes to fruition, and we get our first glimpse of the mysterious 456. Plus, Captain Jack has another shocking revelation, one which may change how you view him forever. Part Three begins on BBC America at 9 PM.

Movies:
Jackie Chan's remake of Around the World in 80 Days features a cameo from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Who wouldn't want to miss that? On Disney XD at 5 PM.

Thursday:

Moments of Impact -
Watch teens flee an erupting volcano, and a traffic stop becomes a gunfight — all in super-slow motion, on the Discovery Channel at 9 PM.

Naked Science -
An analysis of NASA's Project Constellation, the government's lofty aspiration to establish a human outpost on the moon by 2020. On National Geographic Channel at 10 PM.

Torchwood: Children of Earth -
If you thought the first three parts were shocking and upsetting, part four ups the ante quite a bit more, with an ending that will leave you screaming at your television set. That's on BBC America at 9 PM.

Movies:

Joss Whedon's masterpiece sendoff for the Pirate Space Western series Firefly airs tonight. Gather up your loyal browncoats and practice swearing in Chinese on the SyFy Channel at 6:30 PM.

Friday:

Eureka -
Carter's love life perks up with the introduction of Dr. Tess Fontana, who's brought in by Allison to re-open Section Five. When something more sinister is opened, Carter and Tess learn the secret behind the objects that move on their own. On SyFy at 9 PM.

Torchwood: Children of Earth -
The world descends into anarchy and the future of the human race is in jeopardy, when Part Five begins on BBC America at 9 PM.

Movies:
Matthew Broderick uses his considerable war games skills to fight Godzilla. He teams up with some people to prevent the radioactive lizard from destroying Manhattan, but who's going to stop Roland Emmerich from desecrating an icon? Find out on FX at 6 PM.

Saturday:

Kings -
The end is here. You may weep openly. Once you dry your tears, though, watch Jack preparing to be crowned — when Silas turns up alive. David sets out to warn him about the plot against him, and the biblical show finishes its run on NBC at 8 PM.

Primeval -
The series finale sends the team back in time to prevent the poisoning at the hands of Helen Cutter of the earliest humans, to stop their evolution. On BBC America at 8 PM.

Being Human -
The U.K. comedy series finally gets its American debut. A werewolf, vampire and a ghost share a flat, and together they learn how to deal with their "special needs" like transmorphing under a full moon or needing to feed on human blood. Make sure to tune in to BBC America at 9 PM, to give this hilarious show a warm American welcome.

Movies:
Goblin sharks attack Malibu, when a tsunami brings them to shore. Oh, and a massive wave cuts lifeguards and construction workers off from what we can now call "the mainland." Malibu Shark Attack is on SyFy at 9 PM.

Stay up late and catch Park Chan Wook's I'm A Cyborg But That's OK, which I sadly missed last week (thanks to everyone who pointed that out). Adorable Young-goon believes that she is a cyborg, and has therefore stopped eating, etc. Now it's up to another slightly demented patient to bring her back to humanity. See the robot/human love on the Sundance Channel at 1:30 AM.

Sunday:

True Blood -
Daphne wants Sam to come out of his monster closet, while our favorite star-crossed pair of lovers (Hoyt and Jessica) play out their unrequited love on the small screen. Bless you for being so ridiculous, True Blood, on HBO at 9 PM.

Dr. Who -
UPDATE: Sorry this sort of disappeared in the morning craze, but it's back. Dr. Who's Planet Of The Dead premieres in America this Sunday on the BBC America at 8 PM. The Doctor in the middle of a desert alien with the bionic woman and they gotta get away before they're victim to the swarm.

Additional reporting by Caitlin Petrakovitz.

Monday:

Spectacular Spider-Man -
School's back from winter break, and so is the Sandman. But more importantly — superhero fiestas! Peter is invited to Flash's birthday party, and may never get this teen-angst thing under control. Meanwhile, is that Venom he keeps spotting?

The Spectacular Spider-Man: First Steps:

Movies:
There can only be one, until there was a fourth, movie, that is. Highlander: Endgame with Christopher Lambert as Connor MacLeod is on TMC at 10 PM.

Tuesday:

Warehouse 13 -
Thank your lucky Battlestars — Cylon Number Six (Tricia Helfer) is back as a guest star on this week's Warehouse, complete with her sexy walk and even sexier authoritative talk. Pete and Myka assist the much-missed Helfer as a string of bank robberies in Chicago leaves people stunned. Meanwhile, Artie tries to get to the bottom of a security breach at the warehouse. Warehouse 13 returns on the newly spelled SyFy channel at 9 PM.

Warehouse Promo

Better Off Ted -
Veridian makes a perfume for women... that causes hornets to attack. Linda is thrown under the bus by the company and Phil and Lem's friendship is tested yet again by the depositions. Support your local nerds, on ABC at 9 PM.

On The Set With Phil And Lem (le nerd sigh)

That's Impossible -
How long until we have real Terminators? And will they really look like Governator Arnold? The possibility of robotic soldiers who are able to think is discussed, and current research and developments are showcased. Welcome to your A.I.-dominated future, on the History Channel at 10 PM.

Wednesday:

Monsters Inside Me -
Now that this micro-terror show has already ruled out swimming, sleeping or even DRINKING WATER, what's next? Try not breathing. Tonight the show that scares the bejeezus out of us all continues to with a seminar on the sexual reproduction of parasites, including those of botflies and worms, which flourish in your lungs. I really, really hate this show.

Cough Up Blood With Monsters Inside Me:

MonsterQuest -
Forget Shark Week, killer crocs are on the prowl on the History Channel at 9 PM.

Movies:
Robin Williams escapes from a board game, only to face wild monkeys... and oh yeah, a stampede of elephants. Jumanji is on AMC at 8 PM.

Thursday:

J.K. Rowling: A Year in the Life -
Harry Potter and his origins are revealed in this special about the children's author. America finally gets a look at Rowling's intimate life, filmed in the year leading up to the release of the seventh HP novel. Elizabeth Vargas's interview with the richest woman in England airs on ABC at 8 PM. Can't wait? Check out this documentary from across the pond, of the same name.

Are We Alone? -
By checking out the extreme climates and studying areas with little to no water, can scientists prove extraterrestrial life exists? Some travel to the most extreme locations on Earth, including Death Valley in California, to discover if life on other planets is even possible.

And maybe some Sookie-Bill love will be shown while Anna Paquin's on Letterman on CBS at 11:30 PM.

Friday:
Eureka -
Carter has to get all certificated as sheriff again, and it hurts his soft little human brain. But this is Eureka after all, and problems can only be solved via more problems, so Allison heads out to scan the town with her DNA-monitoring system, injuring Deputy Lupo in the process. The season continues on SyFy at 9 PM.

Movies:
Keanu Reeves is the disaffected tattooed savior known as John Constantine. Tune in for Rachel Weisz, but stay for the devil. Constantine is on AMC at 9 PM.

Saturday:

Kings -
Here it is, folks: the end. The first part of the finale airs tonight, as Silas continues trying to pawn off Port Prosperity on Gath, throws Jack and David in jail, and generally looks unhappy. On a brighter Michelle looks for ways to save the jailed David. The show that NBC sent to Saturdays to die airs at 8 PM. It's wrong what they did to this series, just wrong, and if you caught the last episode, you should agree.

Primeval -
A strange woman from the future appears, as a stampede of homicidal rhinos head through an anomaly ready to attack. But, trust me, this future lady is way more interesting than the pack of CG rhinos. Find out her secret on BBC America at 9 PM.

Primeval Promo

Movies:
Monsters and gods rule the SyFy Channel all day. The games and fights begin with Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God, followed by Rock Monster, Grendel, The Book of Beasts, the recent Thor: Hammer of the Gods and finally The Scorpion King. The hunt for monsters begins at 9 AM.

Sunday:

True Blood -
We need more quality time in Dallas — lots more. Let's hope the Hillbilly road show made of Eric, Sookie, Jessica and Bill can entertain us for just a little while longer, in the big bad city. Oh and if you didn't think this show could get any sexier, ED QUINN will be making his fanged debut. True Blood is on HBO at 9 PM.

True Blood Promo:

Movies:
Watch the world NOT be destroyed on the conclusion of NBC's latest campy miniseries em>Meteor on at 9 PM. Wouldn't if just be a peach if they actually let it explode?

Additional writing and reporting by Caitlin Petrakovitz.

Monday:

Spectacular Spider-Man -
At the turn of the New Year, Spidey has to take the fight to the Planner's lair, revealing the Planner's true identity in the process. But not before teen aged superhero has to navigate the murky waters of love, when Gwen is kidnapped.

Spectacular Spider-Man Promo:

Movies:

It's end-of-the-world day over at the Syfy Channel. First there's Meltdown: Days of Destruction, where the Earth moves threateningly close to the Sun. After that, Asteroid threatens the world with, what else? Asteroids, in the two-part movie starring Annabella Sciorra. All of this airs on SciFi Channel, beginning at 9:30 AM.

Tuesday:

Warehouse 13 -
Two sexy Secret Service agents are put in charge of America's storage spot for weird crap. Even though the warehouse is stocked to the brim with time traveling and shape shifting whosits and what-nots, there's still plenty of unclaimed weird objects for this good looking duo to track down, in Warehouse 13. What will they fid next? My guess is, a big steaming pile of romantic tension. It's like a sugared-up X-Files, but with steampunky gadgets. The two-hour premiere airs on the newly christened SyFy Channel, at 9 PM.

Warehouse 13 Promo:

Better Off Ted - repeat on ABC at 9 PM.

Movies:

Nic Cage's rip-off of Indiana Jones, National Treasure, is on the SyFy Channel at 6 PM.

Adam Sandler is a pawn in the ultimate procrastinator's backlash that is Click, when his living Jiminy Cricket, Christopher Walken, hands over a real-life remote control, on FX at 8 PM.

Wednesday:

Time Team America -
The series premiere chronicles various archeological digs open with a trip to North Carolina's Roanoke Island, the first settlement in North America, which disappeared suddenly. Years later, the only remaining clue was the word "Croatoan" carved into a fencepost. The dig is on PBS at 8 PM.

Time Team Preview:

Monsters Inside Me -
The show that makes you scared to go anywhere, or do anything, returns with a new episode. Scientists rush to stave off what could become the worst parasitic outbreak in history, which may or may not already be eating away your intestines. Quick, stop drinking water — germs are EVERYWHERE, on Animal Planet at 9 PM.

Monsters Inside Me Promo:

MonsterQuest -
Adventurers hunt down the wily Sasquatch, on this new episode on the History Channel at 9 PM.

Movies:

Treasure Planet, an animated scifi update of Treasure Island featuring the voice of our favorite wrecked-faced Cobra Commander, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, is on Disney XD at 5 PM.

Thursday:

Naked Science -
Scientists try to prove their hypothesis that about 500 years ago a large meteor caused a tsunami, severely changing Australia's coastline. The theories fly on National Geographic Channel at 10 PM.

Also, we'll probably get another clip from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince when Daniel Radcliffe is on Letterman, on CBS at 11:30 PM.

Movies:

Contact, the movie that refuses be constricted by things like common sense, blasts Jodie Foster off to alien worlds... or does it? Join the confused alien-stalker and her long-haired boyfriend, Matthew McConaughey, on the look out for aliens and space-bound millionaires, in Contact on TNT at 10 PM.

Friday:

Eureka -
Sheriff-no-more Jack Carter and his sharp wit return for the second half of season three as he applies for a job with the Department of Homeland Security. Meanwhile, the new sheriff in town seems to have a very robotic personality. Carter has to deal with becoming Allison's pal, as our friends who became lovers who became friends deal with Allison's baby on the way. Season 3 and a half premieres tonight on SyFy, at 9 PM.

Saturday:

Kings -
Treasonous David is on trial, and Silas hands the reins over to his son Jack. Will the pretty prince show mercy to the doe-eyed country boy? Side note, this is actually the second to last week for Kings — next week there will be a two hour farewell. And I will weep big fat tears as this beautiful show sputters out its dying breath.

Kings You Tube Good Bye:

Primeval -
You'd think these accidents the Primeval people would figure out a way to close these space-time anomalies — but no, another week another problem causes chaos on Earth. Meanwhile, Abby's brother decides to find out what she does for a living, and accidentally passes through an anomaly. Whoops. Now the team has to chase him down too, on BBC America at 9 PM.

Movies:

An all-day Harry Potter marathon is in order, before the new movie is released July 15. Harry and the Sorcerer's Stone kicks off the first three movies as they play in order on ABC Family at 12:30 PM.

Sunday:

True Blood -
Will we find out what Daphne truly is? Probably not. At least not before Sookie endangers the lives of everyone on the show one more time, just for kicks! As everyone's favorite grown-up vamp show becomes more of an ensemble effort, Sookie, Bill and Jessica travel to Dallas. And Tara hopefully gets her head screwed on straight, and Jason continues his vampire purification process. Let's go to Dallas, on HBO at 9 PM.

True Blood Promo:

Movies:

Meteor -
A curious cast of prime time favorites from long ago gathers together, to stop a giant asteroid from careening to Earth. It's like the recent TV movie Impact, only with slightly more interesting actors. Jason Alexander and Christopher Lloyd put their minds together, to stop the meteor Kassandra. Part one of the miniseries airs tonight on NBC at 9 PM.

Additional reporting by Caitlin Petrakovitz.

Monday:
Spectacular Spider-Man -
It's a Christmas-centric Spidey with Vulture, Sandman and Rhino are all bringing gifts of destruction and mayhem. What do they want in return? The beaten, broken body of high-school Spider-Man. See if they've been good villains this year, on Disney XD at 7:30 PM.

Spidey Promo:

Movies:

In Outbreak, Dustin Hoffman and Rene Russo attempt to stop the spread of a killer virus in NorCal, on AMC at 5 pm.

Tuesday:

Nova -
Have absolutely no musical talent whatsoever? (Hey, some of us aren't blessed.) Tonight on NOVA, scientists watch music's effects on four very different people, including one woman with amusia (the inability to process music). Listen in on PBS at 8 PM.

Better Off Ted -

Rejoice, nerd lovers — Phil and Lem are back, and as lovable as ever. This week, Linda has to move into Ted's office, and Lem asks Lucy out on a date. Let the romantic hilarity begin. All new episode on ABC at 9:30 PM.

Better Off Ted Promo:

Movies:

Adding fuel to the rumor mill fire, there are back-to-back Ghostbusters films tonight on AMC. The original and its sequel begin at 8 PM. Until then, enjoy this radical mash-up of NIN's "The Hand That Feeds" and the theme of the Extreme Ghostbusters cartoon.

Wednesday:

Monsters Inside Me -
There are things living inside of you, no lie they sneak into your bed and shoot eggs into your ears and crawl in and out of your mouths. In order to make sure NO ONE EVER SLEEPS AGAIN, Monsters Inside Me breaks down bugs living in people minds and in their eyes — and even helpful parasites. Enjoy this delightful show on Animal Planet, at 9 PM.

Movies:

Star Wars returns! Amid rumors that a new Star Wars tv series may be in the works, Spike is airing Episode II and Episode III beginning at 3 PM and 5:30 PM respectively. Here's the best trailer for the third ep.

Otherwise, Hugh Jackman gets hairy, showing why he got his own spin-off (which arguably began with this film). X-Men: The Last Stand airs on FX at 5:30 PM.

Thursday:

On the channel we're calling the Sci Fi Channel for just a few days more (till July 7, to be precise), there wil be a Twilight Zone marathon from 8 AM until late the 3 PM the next day.

Movies:

If you're looking for a really bad supernatural film, comparable to Catwoman, Sandra Bullock has a premonition of her husband's death in ... (wait for it) Premonition on TMC at 6 PM.

In other news (better news?), you can return to your roots with Star Wars Episode IV on Spike at 6 PM.

Friday:

It's just movie mania tonight.

Movies:

Van Helsing tracks down the Werewolves, Frankenstein and Dracula with a busty Kate Beckinsale by his side in Transylvania on FX at 6 PM. And right after, watch Kate become a vampire in Underworld: Evolution.

If continuing sagas are more your thing, Star Wars Episode V is on Spike at 6 PM.

But if you miss seeing the real Schwarzenegger Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgement Day airs on MTV at 10 PM.

Saturday:

Primeval -
This week on Primeval, insects from the the future threaten the lives of everyone in the U.K., yet again. I'm wondering why no one has ever said: "Why don't we plug up this anomaly thing, since it leads to so many problems?" Dinosaurs are fun, I guess. Primeval is on the BBC America at 8 PM.

Primeval Promo:

Kings -
In the second to last episode of the cut-too-short series, David heads out to uncover new info about his daddy's death. Back on the mainland, the royalty reacts to their son's engagement. Blame NBC for the demise of the show, at 9 PM.

Movies:

Finishing the story, Star Wars Episode VI should wrap up the week nicely on Spike at 7 PM.

Picking up where the SciFi Channel dropped the ball on the Bond theme-song debate, USA begins a Bond marathon with Dr. No at 9 AM. Throughout the day you can then watch, in order: Thunderball, The World is Not Enough, Tomorrow Never Dies, and Casino Royale. 12+ hours of Bond? What more could you ask for?

Sunday:

UPDATE: You guys are right TB is on vacation! But this is what will be coming out the following week. Many apologies!
True Blood -
The vampires are taking us all on a trip, to Dallas. Sadly old Daddy Bill has to come too and make sure nobody is having any fun, whatsoever. The next episode of True Blood heads to Texas in search of vampire murderers on HBO at 9 PM.

Movies:

There's an epic comic book movie marathon beginning with the totally-coulda-shoulda-been-better Superman Returns, followed by Fantastic Four, Spider-man 2.1, and X-Men: The Last Stand. After, if you're in the mood for some light fare, Ice Age and Ice Age 2 round out the full day of films. The world needs heroes, on FX, starting at 8 AM.

However, if you crave some pure science fiction films, the soon-to-be-Syfy Channel serves up a day of films beginning with 2007's Alien Agent, I Am Omega (an adaptation of Richard Matheson's "I Am Legend"), Blade Runner and Total Recall starting at 12 PM.

Alien Agent Trailer:

Additional reporting by Caitlin Petrakovitz.

Monday

Spectacular Spider-Man -
High School Spider-Man is back tonight, and he's bringing you two colorful animated adventures. (G-rated, of course.) In the season premiere, Spidey and his NON-Mary-Jane girlfriend Gwen are talking about their first kiss, and whether it means anything. And the second episode has Kraven...I know which one I'm watching! Catch the season premiere on Disney XD at 7 PM.

The Crumbling of America -
Scientists and historians showcase the collapse of America's infrastructure in this two hour special, while animators give us new technologies and designs to prevent problems on the History Channel at 8 PM.

Movies:
Watch pre-Donnie Darko Jake Gyllenhaal, as a 1950s teen who escapes his coal mining town on a rocket in October Sky, on AMC at 5:30 PM.

If you're not into learning about 70,000+ structurally deficient bridges in America, the best bet is following security guard Ben Stiller in the live-action version of Toy Story, Night at the Museum on FX at 8 PM.

Tuesday

Life After People -
How much rain is too much? What happens when New Orleans is flooded from rainfall, corrosion destroys the Space Needle and humidity attacks the Middle East? (What do you think happens?) Tune in on the History Channel at 10 PM.

Movies:

There's a crazy thriller film marathon on television covering, in order, 1979's Dracula, followed by Steven Spielberg's Poltergeist; Sawyer/Josh Holloway in Sabretooth, and finally, the 2004 prequel to Exorcist. It all begins on AMC at 9 AM.

Wednesday

MonsterQuest -
Do dinosaurs still exist? Weighing the evidence, the show will investigate eyewitness accounts of legendary creatures. Hmmm, dinosaurs, I'd like to see the odds on finding them, compared to capturing Big Foot.

MythBusters -
Test the theory that it's impossible to pull two phone books apart, on the Discovery channel at 9 PM.

Movies:
Arguably Halle Berry ‘s worst post-Oscar winning decision, Catwoman, is on tonight. Seriously, with a cast that included Benjamin Bratt and Sharon Stone, this should have been so much better. Watch the incredible disappearing leather catsuit on AMC at 8 PM.

And if that's not enough bad TV for ya AVP-R (Aliens Versus Predator: Requiem) is on Cinemax at 8:15 PM.

Thursday

There's a Dark Angel marathon from 8 AM until 3 PM on Syfy Channel.

Naked Science -
Despite the fact that Earth and Venus were created around the same time, we populate Earth while the sister planet is deserted. So what gives? "Earth's Evil Twin" explores the why behind the barren planet with beautiful images of her. Naked Science is on National Geographic Channel at 10 PM.

And later, Megan Fox will hopefully transform into something on Letterman. That's on CBS at 11.

Movies:

The fight over best Bond theme continues with Timothy Dalton in The Living Daylights (representing the ‘80s) pitted against Pierce Brosnan in The World is Not Enough. The mini-Bondathon begins on the SciFi Channel at 6 PM.

Garbarge theme song for TWINE:

Friday:

Virtuality airs! In case you've missed it (which is very likely as FOX has apparently been trying to bury it), the show is about the crew aboard a spaceship that's equipped with a virtual-reality device/machine/version of the holodeck. What's designed to help them survive the 10-year mission becomes a problem, when a nasty virus is discovered in the system. Now they have to fix the VR and save Earth. Tough.

What 3 Things Would You Bring With You To Space For A 10-Year Mission?
Meredith: A Case Of Tequila (all for me), Some Sort Of Pet, And One Of Those Taser Guns (seems like a good idea)

Batman The Brave And The Bold -
OMAC and Shrapnel may or may not battle to the death, as long as the Bat doesn't interfere, this week on the Cartoon Network at 8:30 PM.

Saturday:

Kings -
We get to glimpse Silas outside the confines of the palace, and Rose struggles to keep her mouth shut. Watch Silas and David go a pilgrimage-ing on NBC at 8 PM.

Primeval -
A Cretaceous dino comes through the anomaly and so does a medieval knight poised to slay a dragon. It airs on BBC America at 8 PM.

Sunday:

Prehistoric Disasters -
Did an asteroid strike kill the dinosaurs? What's the deal with dinosaurs this week? Evidence of the claim is examined on the Discovery Channel at 10 PM.

True Blood -
Sookie and Bill head out to turn to their favorite vamp for help, and the show everyone thought was about Sookie really begins to turn into an ensemble. Hopefully this week we'll finally get some of Jason's behind, on HBO at 9 PM.

Movies:

Aliens - Yes, the "s" signified a whole new film, and Sigourney Weaver will remind you why she is the only constant in the Alien films. Ripley wakes up on AMC at 8 PM.

Additional writing and reporting by Caitlin Petrakovitz.

Monday:

The Universe –
What's "Beyond The Big Bang" after all? Physicists and historians gather round to talk creation and utilize some nifty animations showing how the universe was made, on The History Channel at 9 PM.

Movies:
Could anyone replace Michael Keaton as Beetlejuice? Seriously I'd love to see someone try to remake the ghost with the most, and fail miserably. Even the cartoon was funny, but sadly not the same without MK. Watch the original on ABC Family at 9:30 PM, and marvel at how young and innocent Alec Baldwin looked.

Tuesday:

There's a Doctor Who marathon from 8 AM to 4 PM over at the SciFi Channel — nothing wrong with that.

Life After People –
What will happen to the city of cars when we all disappear? Will Detroit's vast car lots become dangerous land mines? Also looks like the future aliens will have a long-horn cattle problem if they ever try to settle on Earth after we're gone. Seriously hasn't this show run out of topics yet? "It will get old, deteriorate and be covered with plants" seems to be the answer for everything. But maybe cars will be different. Check it out on the History Channel at 10 PM.

Wednesday:

MonsterQuest –
Think crocodiles only eat pirate hands? WRONG, these creatures are large and in charge — just ask the cast of Lake Placid. In fact, since I can't find a clip from this week's episode on the The History Channel at 9 PM, I'm going to include my favorite Placid moment, to get you revved up for super ginormous crocodiles.

Mythbusters –
The boys pin cars against the rain and proceed to bust up all the weather related car myths on The Discovery Channel at 9 PM.

Ryan Reynolds is on Letterman — shilling for The Proposal, no doubt — but maybe he'll talk a little Deadpool, which is infinitely more interesting than yet another rom com. We'll have to wait and see on CBS at 11:30

Conan plays host to William Shatner, and McLovin (Christopher Mintz-Plasse). So there's really no reason not to tune into The Tonight Show on NBC at 11:30.

Thursday:

Mini Joan Of Arcadia marathon on from 8 AM until 3 PM on the SciFi Channel. It's all about a modern day Joan of Arc (kind of.) Oh, and God is a hottie.

Movies:
There's a bit o' Bond to get you through the night, from the SciFi Channel. At 6:30 PM Roger Moore stars in the movie with maybe the best theme song, Live and Let Die. After that, Pierce Bronsan takes the reins to ensure Tomorrow Never Dies.

Friday:
Batman The Brave And The Bold -
Batman gets zapped to the future, where animals are humanoid, and now we're the pets, or urm... slaves? But whatever — there are CAT PEOPLE, on the Cartoon Network at 8:30 PM.

Clip:

Clip:

Clip:

Saturday:

Kings –
It's Silas' birthday and uh-oh, there's a city-wide blackout. And you guys know what blackout is code for in TV land, secret sex, and lots of it. In the darkness, David tries to explain himself to the Princess, Jack makes off for his secret man lover and I sit alone in the corner and weep for what NBC did to this beautiful series. Kings is on NBC at 8 PM.

Primeval -
The ARC is being taken over by the military, and the group has to flee to the hills. As our heroes abandon their technology, it's humans versus prehistoric Terror Birds, on BBC America at 9 PM.

Sunday:
There's a Mythbusters marathon from 10 a.m. to past midnight, which promises a lot of smashing and crashing.

BBC Earth -
The lovely series BBC Earth will be airing on BBC America. This special is dedicated "Charles Darwin and the Tree of Life," delightful. It airs at 5 PM.

First 10 Minutes

Impact –
The two-parter miniseries Impact has managed to do the unthinkable, make both Natasha Henstridge and David James Elliot unattractive. But you know you're going to watch it, because there's nothing else on TV, and you're a sucker for an apocalypse movie. The moon is crashing to Earth, and it's up to these mega cable TV show stars to save us all, at 9 PM on ABC.

Impact Promo

True Blood -
Mother of God, what have you done to my Lafayette? There had better be some explaining this episode. But it looks like this week, we're in for some Jessica and Sookie one-on-one time, so no that shouldn't be shrillingly annoying at all. Ah, I kid. I love you ladies and every melodramatic moment you give me, bad accents and all. "Keep This Party Going" is on HBO at 10 PM.

Additional writing and reporting by Caitlin Petrakovitz.