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Twilight Fans Stab, Choke, And Beat Haters Into Submission

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Andrew Liptak
04/09/09

In reply to Twilight Fans Stab, Choke, And Beat Haters Into Submission
Wow. I'd say that last story is likely a fake one, but some of the others seem somewhat plausible, if a bit exaggerated.
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Meirelle
04/09/09

In reply to Twilight Fans Stab, Choke, And Beat Haters Into Submission
I don't think half of these stories are real, but I'm willing to bet some of them are. Damn, have some sex, girls!
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Jack_Burton
04/08/09

In reply to Twilight Fans Stab, Choke, And Beat Haters Into Submission
Literary Darwinism. I say, yes.

Times are tough, if people get violent over stuff this dumb, I say, toss them into Thunderdome and be done with it.
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Slovenly Muse
04/08/09

In reply to Twilight Fans Stab, Choke, And Beat Haters Into Submission
You know how in Peter Pan, every time someone says "I don't believe in fairies," a fairy somewhere drops down dead?

Maybe every time someone says "I'm not that in to Twilight" a copy of the book spontaneously combusts. If enough people refuse to hop on the crazy train, the entire series could go extinct!

It would explain why the Twitards have to defend the books with deadly force. And, for the record?

I'm not that in to Twilight.
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YourTechSupport
04/08/09

In reply to Twilight Fans Stab, Choke, And Beat Haters Into Submission
It reminds me of the time I had a Potterite try to use a killing curse on me with a twig.

There wasn't a 'taking a punch' class at Hogwarts I'm guessing.
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ggodo, the man from R.O.A.C.H.
04/08/09

@YourTechSupport: I get the feeling Wizards aren't much for fisticuffs.
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BytheSea
04/08/09

In reply to Twilight Fans Stab, Choke, And Beat Haters Into Submission
This is exactly how it was between the relationshippers and noromos in X Files fandom ca 1993. And thus, modern fandom was born. I crouch in terror as I anticipate what cultural phenomenon could come from this crop of fans who think fandom is new.
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Grey_Area
04/08/09

@BytheSea: It's just like when gangs of fervent Wellsians and Vernetiques fought each other with brickbats and vials of vitriol in the 1880s.
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twophrasebark
04/08/09

In reply to Twilight Fans Stab, Choke, And Beat Haters Into Submission
What would happen if Joss Whedon directed a Twilight movie?

Would the two obsessed fan bases merge into a new form of life?

I imagine some kind of totalitarian state forming.
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Evil Tortie's Mom: R.O.A.C.H.
04/08/09

In reply to Twilight Fans Stab, Choke, And Beat Haters Into Submission
I think 60% is probably too low a number. That first one seems verifiable, at least.
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PalinFreeborn
04/08/09

In reply to Twilight Fans Stab, Choke, And Beat Haters Into Submission
God help me, William Shakespeare. We've taken the English language, and we're diluting it with liquid feces in the form of conjoined words.

I refuse to acknowledge 'twihard', 'bromance', 'manscaping', or 'spendulus' as valid words in any way, shape or form.

Be right back... I'm gonna go smack myself in the face with a tack hammer now.
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PalinFreeborn
04/08/09

@PalinFreeborn: Also added to the list: "Nerdgasm." Don't make me roll up this newspaper.
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siandt
04/08/09

@PalinFreeborn: Yet you accept the words he made up?

Who knows, maybe in a few hundred years manscaping will be a perfectly acceptable turn of phrase. Shakespeare forfend!
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92BuickLeSabre
04/08/09

@PalinFreeborn: So you're a facetacker?
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Grey_Area
04/08/09

@92BuickLeSabre: "Facetacker"? Please that is so 15 minutes ago
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crashedpc - Haifisch
04/08/09

@Grey_Area: I prefer the term "Nosepounder".
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Grey_Area
04/08/09

@crashedpc: You're so cutting edge. Waitasec, "edgecutter"! To the Mememobile!!
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korybing
04/09/09

@PalinFreeborn: Wait, didn't Shakespeare make up a whole ton of words that are now legit in the English Language? Probably a bad person to invoke in your fight against internet portmanteaus.
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zenpoet
04/09/09

@korybing: Portmanteaus? Are those not the corpulent sea faring animals that are often called "sea cows?" You really pause a moment before making such inane and confusing statements. To confuse language and large marine mammals is just inexcusable.

Hold on, those are manatees. Erm... never mind.
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Sproing
04/08/09

In reply to Twilight Fans Stab, Choke, And Beat Haters Into Submission
These incidents sound like the kind of stupid, hurtful, hateful things that happen in high schools all across the country. Cultural events like Twilight just give hormonal simians something to cluster around, defend and proselytize. I'm sure in the '70s it was Zeppelin vs. Floyd.
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92BuickLeSabre
04/08/09

@Sproing: But that is a legitimate basis for a fight; your analogy confuses me.
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Sproing
04/08/09

@92BuickLeSabre: My Physical Graffiti will kick the shit out of your Wall, junior.
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92BuickLeSabre
04/08/09

@Sproing: How dare you assume I would be on the side of lame!* How. Dare. You.

*post Syd Barrett. I do have a fondness for Syd Barrett-era Floyd.
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Sproing
04/08/09

@92BuickLeSabre: Yeah ... Syd. Shine on, you crazy diamond. Like Edward under a warm spring sun.

Wait, what?
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cletar
04/08/09

@Sproing: No, in the 70s Floyd and Zepplen were on the same side. The great divide was rock v disco. Loving or hating Saturday Night Fever was the divisive cultural touchstone.
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Meirelle
04/09/09

@Sproing: You, sir, win an award. I'm not quite sure what it is yet, but you win it.
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zenpoet
04/09/09

@cletar: Very true. But then again, the argument here isn't Twilight vs. Something else (I.e. Harry Potter, Harlequin Romances, or the back of cereal boxes (all of which are better, by the way(triple embedding!))), but Twitards vs. Rational People.
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steampoweredboy
04/08/09

In reply to Twilight Fans Stab, Choke, And Beat Haters Into Submission
Clearly they are all doing large quantities of jenkem

[en.wikipedia.org]
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Grey_Area
04/08/09

@steampoweredboy: Nested internet hoaxes, love it!
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92BuickLeSabre
04/08/09

In reply to Twilight Fans Stab, Choke, And Beat Haters Into Submission
So what exactly are you trying to say Meredith?

And I'd pick my words pretty carefully if I were you.

*secretly sharpening shank under my desk*

...

...

*okay, not really. never read them; not planning to; and even my imaginary twihardness made me so uncomfortable I had to write this incredibly long disclaimer*
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Dunny0
04/08/09

@92BuickLeSabre: Methinks thou dost protest too much...

You're wearing an Edward t-shirt now, aren't you?
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92BuickLeSabre
04/08/09

@Dunny0: What? No! Who is Edward?

*caresses his face on soft cotton*
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Lite: hates Illinois Nazis
04/08/09

@92BuickLeSabre: This is that movie, about the girl who is so absolutely happily head over heels in love with a vampire boy that she smiles like 3 times during the whole movie. Right?

What do you mean they made books about the movie?
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OW-Holmes:Bringer of Fear
04/08/09

@92BuickLeSabre: You have a secret shank too! Mine is named Sheila. Whats that sweetheart? No, Brian Herbert isn't around; you can go back to sleep.
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zenpoet
04/09/09

@92BuickLeSabre: This reply is actually to Meredith, but the only way to get someone to answer a post past the first 20, is to somehow attach it to someone else that people might read, so thanks for the shoulders to stand on, '92!

As for the acid in chemistry class thing, it may sound surreal, but I know two people who have been attacked in such a manor, and for just as stupid reasons. Scary what a half second bad decision can do to someone else's life.
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ZenithPuzzle
04/08/09

In reply to Twilight Fans Stab, Choke, And Beat Haters Into Submission
I know we live the age of sneer and snark, but I have to question why a highly sensationalist piece like this was put online? It's highly irresponsible journalism.
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Don't Make Me Ang Lee. You wouldn't like me when I'm Ang Lee.
04/08/09

@ZenithPuzzle: because twilight sucks.
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Grey_Area
04/08/09

@c0dek: SERIOUSLY! Anyone who thinks otherwise has a case of the Andorrian shingles.
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AmishJohn
04/08/09

@Grey_Area: Could be worse; could be the Caldari Clap.
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Meirelle
04/09/09

@ZenithPuzzle: party-pooper :P
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bluehinter
04/08/09

In reply to Twilight Fans Stab, Choke, And Beat Haters Into Submission
Okay, okay... We can work with this.

From now on, everybody here needs to start circulating the rumor that Scientologists hate Twilight, and have been buying up and burning copies of Breaking Dawn becauses it violates the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard or something.

Then we give them all baseball bats, and air the highlights on pay-per-view! We'll be rich!!!!
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bluehinter
04/08/09

@bluehinter: And, if we could somehow work Orson Scott Card into the mix, we'd be eliminating the followers of three of the most obnoxious and repetitive sci-fi/fantasy writers in the world at the same time!
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GarjaWhchi
04/08/09

@bluehinter:

I think you may be on to something with this...
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Grey_Area
04/08/09

@GarjaWhchi: Best. Con. Ever!
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R.O.A.C.H. Creates ACyclicUniverse
04/08/09

@bluehinter: And we'll get the Jonas Brothers to record a series of violently anti-Twilight songs and music videos, and then circulate them through some Twihard boards.
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bluehinter
04/09/09

@ACyclicUniverse:
No, that might backfire and make the Jonas Brothers even more popular than they inexplicably are.

A few broken kneecaps I can live with, but knowing that my actions inadvertantly caused a Jonas Brothers album to go double platinum? I'd never be able to look at myself in the mirror again.
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zenpoet
04/09/09

@bluehinter: That is just so crazy and brilliant that it has a chance of working.

Someone needs to register www.scientologyhatestwilight.com, and get your deliciously evil plan rolling.
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Grey_Area
04/08/09

In reply to Twilight Fans Stab, Choke, And Beat Haters Into Submission
Do they make this shirt in kevlar? [www.jinx.com]
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siandt
04/08/09

@Grey_Area: That's now in my "things I want" bookmark folder. Early graduation present to myself? Maybe.
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pirate_eggie
04/09/09

@Grey_Area: Oh my God, definitely the best t-shirt I've seen this year. I popped a vein when somebody compared Twilight to Buffy.
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vulcanized
04/09/09

@pirate_eggie: Compared? I've had people try to convince me Twilight is BETTER. I'm baffled by people who scoff at me for liking Buffy all while singing the praises of Twilight. Buffy had everything Twilight has - warring vampires, werewolves, evil sex, romance - only Buffy is, you know, good.
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