Thanks to re-editing Quinto's audiobook version of the movie novelization, the internet now has Spork:

There's even an MP3 version and transcript for those who are allergic to YouTube. Here's an excerpt:

Working his way downward, his fingers appraised, knowingly, precisely. Spock knelt and placed his hands on his chest, driven to his knees by an overwhelming desire. His examining fingers had traveled as far as his thighs. After a long moment he looked up at Kirk. "I am always open to suggestions," Spock declared. Erect in the command chair, Kirk was not surprised to find that he was enjoying himself. "Suck me," Kirk opined plaintively.

You know you want more.

(Thanks, Carla)

SPORK! AN EROTIC LOVE STORY [ONTD_Startrek]

Apparently Wheaton did a lot of voice work for the Romulan crew, and it's all thanks to fellow voiceover-artist Greg Grunberg's Twitter outreach to Wheaton. The clip and casting extra is from the Star Trek DVD, which will be released November 17, 2009.

Casting Spock:

Wil Wheaton's Cameo:

From Wil's Blog on the whole voice dubbing experience:

I met JJ at an ADR stage a few days later, where he told me the entire plot of the movie (and, for the record, hearing JJ Freakin' Abrams tell you the plot of his Star Trek is even more awesome than you'd expect) and showed me some of the scenes that I'd be dubbing. I ended up providing voices for all the Romulans on Nero's ship, including the guy who tells him that "it's time" at the very beginning of the movie. (Yeah, how cool is that?)

[via Trek Movie and Wil Wheaton]

I know that they're breaking the stories and working on it... J.J. [Abrams] and Bobby [Orci] and Alex [Kurtzman]. But I think those guys have other things that they're working on. Star Trek is a priority, certainly, but I don't think anybody's in a hurry. Which is what I love about them. You know what I mean? Of course the fans and the studio would love it to come out next summer if it could. I think it's going to be much better served by taking time and being clear about the story that they want to tell.

Whether or not this polite "Please back off" will stop fans asking whether or not Khan will appear in the new movie (oh please oh please oh please no) remains to be seen.

Zachary Quinto updates us on Trek, Heroes and new stuff [SciFi Wire]

[via The Hollywood Reporter]

Star Trek hits theaters in the evening on Thursday, May 7.

If you've been following the movie's press lately, you'll already be aware that the film's big love story is between Spock and Uhura. We know, some of you are running from this scary change right now, but before you grab your phaser rifles, we went directly to writers Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci, and asked them about it.

How did you go about deciding and executing such a huge canon-changing relationship?

Orci: A lot of the things in the movie could conceivably match with what happened in any Universe. We know that Kirk cheated on the Kobayashi Maru, [for example]. In the original series, the first interracial kiss was Kirk and Uhura. One of the things we tried to do with this movie was, try to play with keeping some things the same - and other things, maybe the exact opposite.

That was one of those scenarios where we thought, "If that's in the original universe, maybe this one becomes Spock and Uhura." It brings out his human side, it fits Spock's arc for the surprise of the fact that he does share humanity and in the revelation that his father did love his mother, and therefore Spock himself is then capable of that and you see that with him and Uhura. It fits him.

Kurtzman: Knowing that it was a really controversial decision, the most important thing for us was, to not be cute or try to be clever about how we were going to reveal it, but to actually provide genuine emotional context. And I think whether or not you agree with our choice, what you can't argue with is: You just watched this man, who you really care about, show that he's struggling with his identity, lose his mother, and watch his planet blow up. And because he's a Vulcan, he has to be stoic about it.

When you as an audience want somebody to give the man a hug, you want some connection for him. So when Uhura does that, you're simultaneously taken aback, but also a bit relieved that he has somewhere to take that. So we felt like that would be the best access point to reveal that to the audience. We built it up in those earlier scenes, [so] you get that sense. There are little seeds planted along the way.

But what about the rest of the crew? What do they think? At this weekend's press conference, we got the chance to hear Zoe Saldana and Zachary Quinto's impressions on a love that could potentially change the universe..

Saldana described the moment she learned about it:

They locked us in the office at Bad Robot, so that we could read the script, and I dropped it and grabbed my Blackberry and kept saying, "This man's crazy! J.J.'s out of his mind. I'm not that aware about Star Trek, but I do know that [Spock and Uhura] never mingled. It's crazy!" But once I finished the script, it just made so much sense. They have the most similar characteristics. I almost feel like she had this admiration for Spock because he was older and sort of like a teacher, and there was this crush or platonic infatuation with someone that's wiser, wittier, handsome and had pointy ears. Why not?

Quinto went on to explain what he felt it meant to baby Spock to have this outlet.

The relationship between Spock and Uhura, that dynamic provides a lot of levity and humor between Kirk and Spock and between Kirk and Uhura. But between Spock and Uhura, I think it actually represents a depth, whereby Uhura is almost a canvas onto whom Spock can project the emotion that he is not able to express himself.

But of course Leonard Nimoy felt left out by Young Spock's conquest:

Frankly, I was extremely jealous of his scenes with Zoe Saldana, and I think it's totally unfair that I never got to do that. I will never forgive the writers and the director, for having put me in this position, to have to be watching that, rather than participating.

Originally produced for the city of Bordeaux's New Year celebrations last year, the five minute movie was constructed entirely out of still photos - around 15,000 of them - by filmmaker Dave Schwep. Along with Quinto (who produced the movie along with partners Corey Moosa, and Neal Dodson for their company Before The Door Pictures), Bordeaux also features Greg Grunberg, Jack Coleman, Adrian Pasdar, Zeljko Ivanek, and Masi Oka, as well as a chance to have your illusions about that rooftop set shattered once and for all. Go here to see the whole thing.

[Zachary Quinto.com]

Abrams is the master of misdirection, so it makes sense that he kept us guessing so long. Just like with Cloverfield, where we only glimpsed the monster but saw tons of splodey footage and crying hipsters until the movie finally came out. Or Lost, where tons of hand waving obscures a premise that will probably turn out to be a bit silly when it's finally explained.

But this time, he may have miscalculated: if Trek was coming out in December as originally planned, the images of miniskirts and way-too-shiny sets would just have time to percolate through our consciousness, priming us to greet the movie eagerly in a couple of months. But as it is, we're going to be pretty saturated with retro-schlock images by the time the film actually bows.

The biggest problem with a new Trek is one we fingered months ago: nostalgia. And the 1960s original series is the most overloaded of them all — it's like some sixties band that played Woodstock, which has two of its original members left and goes around doing the classic songs. People will throw beer bottles if the band doesn't do the song from the truck commercial, the one everyone knows the words to. Trek is like that — Star Trek is Country Joe and the Fish.

So you're kind of screwed either way in remaking the original series — you either stick too close, and it's retro and silly. Or you change stuff around, and it's just sort of generic. Because Trek influenced everything, the less faithful your imitation of Trek, the more it'll look like every other science fiction franchise.

So inevitably, you pick and choose: which embarrassing elements do you keep, and which do you discard? And judging from the pictures, J.J. Abrams made diametrically the wrong choice: he tossed out the clunky Enterprise bridge, and kept the miniskirts and go-go boots.

Why would I have done the opposite, if my name was suddenly J.J. Anders? Let's start with the cocktail waitress uniforms. Even in the 60s, I have a feeling they were a bit hard to take seriously. But today, the idea that a paramillitary research organization would outsource its women's uniforms to Forever 21? It feels a bit odd. You lose a bit of credibility as a space navy by putting your womenfolk in those outfits.

And then there's the "Apple Store" bridge, which J.J. insists is actually cooler than the Apple Store. I can believe that, because I've never found the Apple Store especially cool. It's the place I used to go every few weeks when my old ibook's faulty logic board died for the umpteenth time, so a "Genius" could stare blankly at me. To me, the look of the Apple Store says 2002, so the new Enterprise bridge looks instantly dated.

Here's what I would have done: first of all, duplicate Captain Pike's bridge, which looks sort of the way you could really imagine a first-generation starship might look. Complete with those weird lamp things coming out of the captain's chair and consoles. That version of the bridge is accurate to the time period where this movie is set, but it also looks as though the ship could blow up at any moment, because it's an early model. I kind of like that slightly grungy submarine-esque aesthetic. And you'll also notice that in the original pilot, "The Cage," the women have pants. Or at least, Number One does. So you could be canonical and slightly less ridiculous.

(I should be clear, though: I don't really care about canon. The moment there were more than two episodes of Star Trek, the show started contradicting itself. And this movie isn't aimed at the die-hard fans. So Abrams could have ditched the bridge and the miniskirts, and I wouldn't have complained.)

Anyway, that leads me to the bigger problem with these images: everything is so shiny. I know that it's airbrushed to hell for Entertainment Weekly's readers, but still. Everything has a sort of plasticky action figure like sheen. The images remind me of nothing so much as the Bill Paxton live action Thunderbirds movie.

The other thing that really hits me after looking at these images is the thing many people have commented on: these stars look hella young. Especially Kirk and Spock, but some of the others as well. It's another thing, similar to the miniskirts, that makes me not really take Starfleet seriously as a space navy: this group of young whippersnappers apparently meet up as cadets and end up forming a little clique, which then takes over the flagship of the fleet. They don't all advance separately through the ranks, in the whole wide fleet, and then meet up as crewmates later.

But at least Kirk and Spock are still homoerotic, as you can see from the Entertainment Weekly cover where their nipples are grazing. (Super giant version here.)

So, to sum up: it's ridiculously retro, it's unthinkingly homoerotic, it's a cheesefest worthy of Michael Bay, and it's a gift to fanboys, who will probably hate it anyway. And yet, I predict Star Trek will be the biggest money-maker of the summer of 2009 anyway. To the point where I'll be writing articles with headlines like "Can Any Other Space-Cowboy Movies Measure Up To Star Trek?"

Because the way things are going, we're going to need some brain-candy. In the throes of an economic shitstorm the likes of which our grandparents only dimly remember, we're not just going to need massive escapism and fluffy fun, we're going to need a massive dose of nostalgia. The only way the United States gets to be a major space power — or a superpower, period, the way things are heading — is by looking in the rear view mirror.

And despite all of the multi-culturalism and the token African, Russian and Japanese crewmembers, Trek was always about America. It was about an America that was big enough to absorb people from different cultures, or even different species, and strong enough to explore the four corners of the universe. (If the universe had corners.) It's the happy, here-to-help version of American imperialism, and we probably need to wallow in it a fair bit right now.

If I think of this as a generic B-movie space adventure, then I actually feel sort of excited and intrigued. It's only when I realize how retro and self-indulgent this Trek rehash will be that I feel a bit more meh.

New Trek images from Entertainment Weekly's new gallery, which collects all the images released so far. Obscenely large version of Spock image is at AICN.

It all started last Sunday, talking to friends at Comic-Con when one of them told me that every woman in the world knew that Spock was the sexiest member of the Star Trek crew. Disbelieving, I turned to the other friend in the conversation who agreed that, yes, this was a well-known fact and the only reason that I was unaware of it was my lack of female genitalia. Although those weren't her exact words, to be fair. I've since checked with a lot of women, and it has to be said... there's a lot of support for this theory.

Quite clearly, this means that everything I know is a lie.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not surprised that some hardcore fans long for the Vulcan lovegrip. As the linked site tries to explain,

He's got a very distinctive, *sexy* voice. Doesn't he!? Doesn't he!? You know what I say is true. Nobody else sounds like Spock. You could pick him out even in pitch black darkness, Right? And some of you would like to try, right? He ain't bad lookin'! Some people really go for that exotic (and somewhat demonic) kind of a thing that he has going on. His strength and gentle grace are sexy. He's tall and fashionably slim, with devilish eyes and kissable lips. His hands are beautiful. And his hair is so soft and shiny that your palms just itch to pet him, don't they? Don't they? Well, anyway, mine do. You wanna pet his yummy dark, silky chest hair too... doncha? ohhhh YEAH! Admit it.

I'm also not surprised that message boards are alight with conversations over Spock's hotness:

OH MY GOD i love him i practically drewl everytime heshows upon my TV. Everyone i know thinks i am wierd for LOVING him so i am so relieved that i found evidence that i am not the only one who feels this way ..... Thank You!!!!!

But when NPR do stories about Spock embodying "the mystery of masculinity"? That's got to be the point where a sharp-eyebrowed fetish goes mainstream:

"It's a struggle we all face," says Henry Jenkins, humanities professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. "Are we driven by our emotion or by our intellect? And how do we reconcile those two things?"

One of the things Jenkins studies is Star Trek fan culture. He says Spock's struggle makes him an unlikely sex symbol.

"Spock is sexy for a large number of people, male and female," Jenkins says. "Many of the female fans I studied really are attracted to the emotional depths of this character." Like many men, Spock "represses outward signs of emotion," Jenkins says. He's a character "who tries to hold it all in, but who seems to be sensitive, sensuous at certain times."

So, my question to all of you is this: WTF? Okay, that's not entirely fair, but where does this idea of the uber-sexy Spock come from? Is it the character himself? Is it the portrayal and good looks of Leonard Nimoy (and, soon, Zachary Quinto)? Just the very idea of makin' it with an alien in the first place? All of the above?

And more importantly, when the hell will Bones get his day in the sun? It's all about the bags under his eyes, I'm telling you.

Unusual evening entertainment aside - Seriously, a Star Trek hypnotist? I'm not the only one who thinks that that's got to be a really niche market, right? - the convention, running August 5th through 10th, offers fans the chance to meet a pretty impressive line-up of stars from each of the series in the long-running franchise, as well as Zachary Quinto from Abrams' upcoming movie. You'd have to have a heart of stone to not be even vaguely tempted by Sunday afternoon's Voyager cast reunion panel, if nothing else.

The full line-up of the convention is available at TrekWeb, including the arcane pricing system of having your photo taken with the actor of your choice (Scott Bakula - $109. Why not just $100? What does that extra nine dollars do, exactly?). Start saving up your dollars for Saturday's Deep Space Nine lunch with Dr. Bashir, Odo, Dax and Quark now.

Galaxy of Star Trek Actors To Appear At Las Vegas Convention [TrekWeb]

Abrams was doing the chat live, and running back and forth between setups. Just how much free time do these Hollywood directors have? He also had both Spocks, Quinto and Nimoy, standing over him. Nimoy was most likely saying "Get used to this," and Quinto was thinking "Good lord, is this what I signed up for?" Thankfully, everyone seems to have had a sense of humor (which is also has a presence in the film, see below) about the whole thing.

• 
  
• On the weight of responsibility from carrying the Trek torch:

  J.J. Abrams: It's funny that you phrased it that way — carrying the torch — because that's exactly what it feels like. Trek means a great deal to many people, and I fully appreciate that responsibility. But I have never been overwhelmed by that burden. Quite the opposite. The fans have been part of the inspiration. This experience has felt, from the beginning, like a truly unbelievable opportunity. We're only half-way through principal photography, but the torch is burning bright and we're running hard!

• 
  
• On when a real trailer will be out, as opposed to a fanwank version:

  Bryan Burk: Barring any thievery from our production office, we're working on our first trailer right now, which will hopefully be in theaters early to mid summer.

• 
  
• The greatest challenge faced when they first decided to take on the movie
  
  J.J. Abrams: This may not be a fair answer, but there were two greatest challenges: the first was getting a handle on the vision of the future. The fact that most of the tech that we use in our everyday lives seems modeled after — and actually more advanced than — TOS, made it tricky to find a way to make our movie's world far more advanced than where we currently are, and yet also consistent with the original show.

  The other challenge was, obviously, casting. How in the world were we ever going to find actors who can fill the shoes of that remarkable original cast? It was tough in theory and harder in practice. We couldn't — and wouldn't have — gone into production with a cast that simply didn't WORK.

  With the amazing efforts of April Webster and Alyssa Weisberg (our casting directors), we somehow did it. This cast is massively talented and smart as hell and funny and dedicated and completely inhabiting these roles. You will see. Kirk f'n LIVES. Spock is HERE, right now. I can see him. Uhura and Bones and Chekov and Sulu and Scotty are ON THE BRIDGE and they are wonderful.

• 
  
• For one of the cast members, what's been your favorite moment on set so far?:
  
  Zachary Quinto: Definitely the first time Leonard and I were both in costume at the same time for the wardrobe test.
• 
  
• Do they follow what fans are saying on the internet at all?:
  
  The Entire Crew: Not really. We never take time to find out what fans on the net are thinking. Thanks for asking.
• 
  
• Will there be comedy in the new movie?:
  
  J.J. Abrams: I'm afraid to answer this question, because The Haters will think that I'm looking at Trek as a comedy. I am not. But humor is hugely important. Humor and humanity go hand-in-hand — there is such wit in the screenplay (kudos, Kurtzman/Orci), and the actors bring such intelligence and humor, that my job is just to keep the thing REAL. Dramatic as hell, but also LAUGHS. Without comedy (my fave TOS eps had GREAT wit), the audience finds their own places to laugh. And in a world of humans and aliens, that could be disastrous. So the short answer? It's very important.
• 
  
• Is Greg Grunberg of Alias and Heroes fame going to be in this movie?:
  
  J.J. Abrams: I am so pissed at Grunberg. The guy was about to be in the movie — had a GREAT PART — but had to bow out because of some LAME OTHER MOVIE HE'S DOING.

  All right, so I'm half-kidding and just disappointed: Grunny WAS gonna be in Trek, and he IS doing another movie, so he can't be in ours — but his movie isn't lame, it's funny, and he's producing and co-writing and long-time collaborator Larry Trilling is writing with him and directing, so I wish them all the best. Even though I hate Greg now. Who knows, maybe he'll be a tribble.

• 
  
• Do you have to pinch yourself to help believe this is real?:
  
  Roberto Orci: No kidding. I think I speak for many of us when I say that we pinch oursleves every day, and it still doesn't work. I'd ask Quinto or Nimoy to "pinch" me, but I just think that would make it more surreal...
• 
  
• Random script question... what is the 10th word on the 10th page of the ST script?:
  
  Bryan Burk: "...and..."
• 
  
• The Trek teaser trailer was very American focused, with all the sound bites from American space program (and none from anywhere else). Star Trek often seemed overly American. How will you make sure that Star Trek is a global film that appeals in Europe, Asia, Latin America, etc?:
  
  Bryan Burk: There were different versions around the world of the teaser trailer around the world to deal with exactly that.
• 
  
• How many visual effects shots will there be in the new movie?:
  
  Roger Guyett, Visual Effects Supervisor: We're anticipating about 1000.
• 
  
• Has there been a particular moment for any cast member while filming that has caught you off-guard and made you stand back and say "wow" or just made you think "how cool is this"?
  
  Chris Pine, Captain James T. Kirk: For me, I still get the chills every time I sit in "the" chair, and every time I say who I am in the movie.
• 
  
• Is there anything I can say to my girlfriend to convince her to go see a movie with me that is titled Star Trek?:
  
  J.J. Abrams: First of all, I'm relieved you have a girlfriend. Secondly, this movie is not being made solely for Trekkers — that is not to say we aren't giving the true believers the fix they want — but we're also making a movie for people (men AND women) who have never seen Trek once in any incarnation.

  What finally pushed me over the edge to direct and not just produce Star Trek was my wife, Katie's, reaction. She loved the characters. She confirmed my deep suspicions that I should direct this movie. The story is dramatic and funny and emotional and romantic and full of adventure. I know I'm biased — but I think people are going to love this experience. For some, perhaps, DESPITE the fact that it's called Star Trek. Who knows? Maybe your girlfriend will see the movie and become a fan of the show.

• 
  
• ILM is doing the effects for the film. Will it all be CGI or have they built a physical model of the New Enterprise?:
  
  J.J. Abrams: I was lucky enough to work with ILM on Mission: Impossible III. Roger Guyette and Sherri Hanson are geniuses who are also a true joy to work with. ILM has always been the best — but in recent years they have — remarkably — gotten even better, making the virtual photo-real.

  Having said that, my goal is to make Trek REAL — that is to say, not have it be camp — not have it be phony — not have it look like a scrap of green screen was used anywhere. Of course, this is Star Trek. We're using every trick in the book. But WHEREVER WE CAN, we are shooting on sets — either built on sound stages or expanding upon found locations. This is important. What this means is that the movie won't have that "actors performing in a blue or green void then placed in front of a spaceship set" feeling that makes me insane. One of our really talented designers recently commented online how we shot on a green screen set and what a shame that was, since we could have built something incredible. And she was right — for that one scene, which will last for maybe thirty seconds on screen, we built only pieces and were surrounded by green. But that is the exception. We can't build EVERYTHING, and need to make this film on a budget (partly because that's the $ we have, and partly because I want the studio to see Trek as viable!).

  The Enterprise will be a combo of the physical and the virtual. A photo is forthcoming!

• 
  
• Will the doors go swoosh when they open?:
  
  J.J. Abrams: Dude. Will they ever.
• 
  

• Michael Gondry's next film after Be Kind, Rewind will be about kids who invent a kind of water that makes you hear music when you drink it. At one point, the kids visit the end of time. Return Of The Ice Kings will be "a scientific story, but totally unrealistic," he not-explains. [MTV Movies]
• There will be not just two, but three Spocks in the Star Trek movie, Leonard Nimoy revealed: Nimoy, Zachary Quinto and one other. We're guessing it's Baby Spock, because of the reports that J.J. Abrams was filming birth scenes set on Vulcan a while back. [TrekWeb]
• But the other Trek spoilers, about Kirk being a bad student at the Academy and the Enterprise being built in Area 51? Are wrong, says screenwriter Roberto Orci. [TrekWeb]
• Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man/Tony Stark will have a quick cameo in The Incredible Hulk where he meets with General "Thunderbolt" Ross — the first step in linking the franchises together for the inevitable Avengers movie. [MovieHole]
• John Connor will be a reluctant savior in The Sarah Connor Chronicles, says producer Josh Friedman. And you should think of the show as "an alternate timeline" from Terminator 3. The show's third episode has Sarah investigating a cell-phone salesman who may play a role in the birth of Skynet, while John tries to settle in at his new school. [SpoilerTV]
• Jamie Hector will play Knox, the crime lord who comes back to New Orleans to make Micah's life difficult, in Heroes Vol. 3. [HeroesTV]
• Not only will Kyle XY's parents protect him from Madacorp, they also take him to the company picnic to confront the corporate overlords. [IESB]
• Here's an early glimpse of time travelers Captain Jack and Captain John (James Marsters) smooching in an upcoming Torchwood, from the Sun newspaper. [Whedonesque]

So with the strike dragging on and...

Jeph: Strike? What strike? You mean, it might last longer? What?

Well, since you've completed a whole volume before the strike, will NBC be putting that out on DVD a bit sooner to give fans something in the interim?

Tim: Well, there are really no plans for that, and we're not talking to NBC right now. But, it seems like a very logical thing to do since we have a whole volume with a completed story.

Jeph: Great, I can see the headlines tomorrow. "NBC Releasing Heroes DVD Early!"

There's been a great effort in the show to tie powers to genetics, but at some point will you look to other methods for people getting their powers?

Tim: I shied away from that idea initially, but I also said I reserve the right to have it morph and change into other theories. There have been other theories posited, like that maybe someone made them and that this was all experimental. Since we know the company is a big nefarious operation, you could definitely come to that conclusion.

Jeph: I think it's God. I've always thought it was God!

Tim: And there has been some talk about the possibility of the spiritual aspect of the powers.

Suresh has been the human voice of the series and been used as a framing device. Will that continue when the series comes back?

Tim: Yeah, we didn't lean on it as heavily in Volume Two as we did in Volume One. There is an omniscience to that voice, as if he's talking from some distant knowing place in the future, and that idea is still good for us.

The Heroes graphic novel has been the first foray at taking the show into the comic book realm. Jeph, are you still writing comics?

Well, we didn't really do a graphic novel. Every week we put out a comic book online, so it's a webcomic. This was just a collected volumes of those issues, but it was all recolored by artists, and it looks a lot different on paper.

And, I'm proud to say that I have the number one comic book in the world right now, the new Ultimates that has just been relaunched, and next month I'm relaunching The Hulk.

Well, thank you both, we love the show.

Tim: Thank you very much!

Jeph: Yes, thanks a lot, and good luck with io9!