This Sunday marks the beginning of the sixth season of True Blood! But if you're new to the series, good news! We've basically explained the entire premise, with just a few GIFs. And no we promise they're not all of vampires humping. So here's your crash course in all things True Blood, in GIF form. NSFW (obviously)!
True Blood, based off the book series penned by Charlaine Harris, is set in Bon Temps, Louisiana. Which means everyone has really authentic Southern Accents.
Although this backwoods town only has four cops (on a good day) and a few buildings, it is the biggest supernatural shit show magnet in the universe.
In this ONE town there are:
And Were-Panthers :
Most of the series takes place either in a Vampire Conference Room, a store, a dead grandma's house or at Merlotte's, the only restaurant in town. Lots of people die in and around this bar, and yet everyone continues to dine here day and night. Merlotte's is basically the Cheers of True Blood — but instead of beer, Cliff and Norm would drink True Blood and bone in the freezer on top of Woody's corpse.
Oh right! They drink True Blood, which is also the name of this show. Funny story about that, you see before the pilot episode it's revealed that a group of wiz kid scientists developed synthetic blood that was so good, vampires could drink it. Before True Blood existed, humans did not know of vampires, but now that there was a non-lethal way to feed, the entire vampire population came "out of the coffin." Most vampires hate the taste of True Blood and prefer real human blood, because then we wouldn't have a show, would we?
So that's the basic set up, newly outed vampires just trying to make it in the world of people. But really the show is mostly about a small group of people who all have sex with each other and fuck shit up for the rest of the world. Specifically because of (or due to) Sookie. And her magic fairy vagina.
Sookie Stackhouse is the main character, the namesake of the book series, and a fairy. Which means she can blast light from her finger tips and read minds.
Her fairy blood also makes her super tasty to vampires. And when a vampire drains a fairy they get really high and can also go out in the sun for a little while. So basically everyone wants to bang, suck or kill Sookie.
Like the rest of the characters in this show, Sookie works at Merlotte's, which is owned by Sam the shapeshifter. Fun Fact! One time Sam turned into a fly, flew into a vampires head and then turned back into a human.
One night while working at Merlotte's, Sookie meets Vampire Bill. They start courting and humping and running into vampire problems. This arduous courtship lasts for many seasons. Until Sookie dumps Bill for...
Viking sex Vampire God Vampire Eric, who can fly.
Granted, Sookie doesn't just up and leave Bill for Eric — first Eric has to lose his memory and turn into some sort of horrific Vampire Baby Huey thing.
But apparently his childlike demeanor thanks to his memory-wipe, and the fact that he killed Sookie's fairy godmother (yes that's a thing) appeals to Sookie sexually, because soon enough they're humping like little twitterpated cartoon characters.
Oh, Sookie also tries to have sex with Alcide the werewolf (Hey Alcide) but throws up on his shoes instead.
So now you're basically caught up with the main love triangle — just add like five hours of sex fantasies and death, and you've got the basic understanding of this relationship. Right now, in season six, Sookie is alone and doesn't want Bill or Eric. But we're fairly certain that is a promise she's not going to keep. What with Bill becoming the new vampire merkin of faith, by drinking all of Lillith's blood and transforming from a puddle of blood into a giant scab — I mean, who WOULDN'T want to have sex with that? Honestly all that stuff is not important. You just need to know that in Season 6 these three are going to pretend to not want to have sex with each other.
But let's backpeddle a little bit to the side characters who are truly the heart and soul of this show. First there's the incomparable Lafayette. Merlotte's chef, previous v-juice dealer, and fabulous dresser. Sadly, Lafayette has been really shat upon in seasons four and five. He found love with the magical nurse Jesus, only to have him murdered by witch ghosts who were possessing his body. But already we're seeing a better side to our boo, and we've got our fingers crossed that season six will be the return of the fun Lafayette.
This is Tara, Tara is Lafayette's cousin and Sookie's old best friend. Here is a gif of Tara. Sigh. She's a vampire and dating Pam now. Fuck it, on to Pam.
Behold the amazement that is the sexy pink vampire Pam. Discovered by Eric while she was running a brothel in San Francisco back in 1905, Pam is Eric's progeny. Pam is loyal to her maker, and serious about running the vampire bar Fangtasia. Pam is the physical embodiment of the over used Project Runway term FIERCE (yes I hate myself a little for saying it too)
Look... She shits tigers. OK?
Next is Jason Stackhouse, dunderheaded brother of Sookie. Jason is a gorgeous boy with a head full of sawdust. Jason takes one thing seriously, sex. And we take watching him pantomime sex on the TV box seriously. Go sex machine go.
We should probably touch on the fact that this poor boy was raped by an entire town or werepanthers one season ago, but we're trying to forget it, and just remember old Jason.
When this show first started out, it was mostly about how the assimilation of vampires into human society was slowly changing the world. It wasn't just "Holy shit, there's vampires now" — there was so much more. In season one we learned about people getting high off vampire blood (V) and the black-market sale of the super juice. But now that tiny amount of world-building has been fleshed out into a giant canvas of vampire policy-wonkery with the introduction of vampire hierarchies and politics. Each season there's been a new big bad, and as the seasons have lurched, on the villains have only been getting more and more complicated. And we kind of miss the V-juice sex trips....
Season 1: The big bad was Rene, the serial killer who went after friends of vampires and fang-bangers. His actions scared humans away from being kind to vampires, and also created a lot of tension between the two races. He died, but we all learned a valuable lesson about something.
Season 2: Maryann Forrester the Maenad. A creature who strolled into town, got everyone high and created one giant orgy. No really, the whole town started having sex with each other. Maryann was defeated, and we learned that we could be tricked into watching three episodes that were actually just an excuse to film a massive sex party. You got us, HBO.
Season 3: Russell Edgington, king of Mississippi and the very best villain to ever grace True Blood. Russell showed up and took the problems of Bon Temps global by killing an anchorman on air and telling the rest of the world that vampires aren't going to play nice anymore. Thus allowing the crazy to be unleashed. But unfortunately we never really got to see any of that crazy, because witches.
Season 4: Marnie Stonebrook, head witch of True Blood and Queen of time wasting.
Season 5: Realizing its mistakes, True Blood brought Russell back, and paired him with the great Chris Meloni. Sadly, too much time was spent on politicking and vampire Bible-thumping. Both Meloni and Russell were executed, and now they no longer exist. So, now the bad guy is Lilith? The Vampire Authority? Bilith? All we know is that when the season ended, Bill Terminatored out of a pool of his own blood and hissed. So Bill?
And just because the majority of this show is comprised of beautiful people mashing their dirty bits together, that doesn't mean it's devoid of heart. Enter Vampire Bill's progeny, Vampire Jessica Hamby and her lost love Hoyt Fortenberry. After a rough patch of getting acclimated to the vampire lifestyle, she found love with a human. We thought their love would last forever, but after forsaking Hoyt's disapproving mother and moving in together, the two fell apart. And the vampire show displayed the most realistic and heart wrenching breakup on television that we've ever seen.
Moving along because, no, we're not done with the 1,000 member cast that exists in this world, but don't worry we're only picking out the best. And here is a list of THE BEST faces of this fine city.
Ginger: Human manager, janitor, bartender for Fangtasia. The poor thing been glammored by Pam so many times she's a little... skittish. Even though Ginger comes across as delicate and damaged, homegirl wasn't afraid to hug Pam in her hour of need.
Steve Newlin: Reformed leader of the vampire hating Fellowship of the Sun. Newly made vampire who is out of the closet and out of the coffin. A fantastic dancer and excellent scene stealer.
Sheriff Andy Bellefleur: Disgraced local Sheriff just trying to earn back the respect of the city, but instead knocked up a fairy.
Terry Bellefleur (and family): Married to the red-headed waitress Arlene, Terry's shifted from PTSD sufferer to head of the household. We don't know why everyone doesn't listen to you either Terry.
And yes, while we still give a standing ovation to the True Blood scene that will live on in infamy (in which Bill snaps his maker Lorena's head, twists it around, and continues to have sex with her). We will always, always always return for the surprising bits of heart this show gives us occasionally.
And the puddles of vampire goo that each vampire makes after he or she dies.