Kristen Stewart joins a "romantic" remake of 1984 because life is painS

Oh my god. OH MY GOD. Okay. Deep breath. For the full effect of this news, I'm going to have to let US Magazine explain it, because I think it most effectively sells the horror of what's happening here.

Kristen Stewart is hooking up with Jennifer Lawrence's boyfriend . . . on the big screen. The 23-year-old actress has signed on to star opposite Nicholas Hoult in the upcoming futuristic love story Equals. In a recent interview with The Associated Press, Stewart explains why she's nervous to take on the part.

I'm glad US didn't bury the lede, which is of course that Kristen Stewart and Nicholas Hoult would be fake making out with each other. We'll get to the 1984 business in a bit.

"I can't believe I agreed to do it," Stewart told The Associated Press on Monday, Jan. 14. "I'm terrified of it. Though it's a movie with a really basic concept, it's overtly ambitious."

Yes, Kristen Stewart just called a movie based on George Orwell's literary masterpiece about a dystopia where a privileged elite rule the masses of humanity by brutally taking control of society and eradicating their individualism, as well as controlling their language, history, and even their thoughts "a really basic concept."

"It's a love story of epic, epic, epic proportion," she added. "I'm scared."

ME TOO.

Equals is an adaptation of the 1956 film 1984, which itself was based on George Orwell's classic novel about rebellion in a futuristic society. The project begins filming later this year with director Drake Doremus, who also directed Lawrence, 23, in 2011's Like Crazy.

First of all, of course the movie is based on the previous movie; I'm shocked anyone bothered to mention the book at all. Second of all, good call on describing 1984 as "about rebellion in a futuristic society." NAILED IT. Third, here's the Wikipedia synopsis for Like Crazy: "The film is about a British exchange student who falls in love with an American student, only to be separated from him when she's denied re-entry into the United States after overstaying her student visa." Yep, that sounds like some pretty deep stuff. Let's hand him the keys to adapting one of the most important books of the 20th century!

"I trust Drake's process and I know we will do something really natural and real," Stewart said. "But I told Drake, 'Don't expect that I am going to be able to do this. It's too hard.' But he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. I've given directors disclaimers before, but never this much."

Look, I'm not a movie director, but if an actress insists that she is not qualified to perform a certain role, perhaps you, you know, might consider finding an actress who is qualified to perform that certain role.

I don't even know what to say. I mean, adapting 1984 into a love story is probably better than doing it to Catcher in the Rye, but both ideas make me equally nauseous. But maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe I need to think positive. Okay. Good thoughts. C'mon, Rob. Think.

I, for one, look forward to the scene where Stewart and Hoult make out while their heads are locked in cages with an angry rat inside.