This is it, the very last season of True Blood. And in order to give this series a fond farewell, we thought we'd highlight the things that made it stand out above all the rest: the really, really weird (and awesome) scenes that could only exist in True Blood. So here they are, the greatest WTF moments from six years of True Blood. Some images slightly NSFW.
Vampire True Death By Vomiting Blood Forever
Season 1, Episode 9
Anyone remember Longshadow? Of course not! But I bet you remember him throwing up the entire contents of his vampire guts, blood and everything else, right onto Sookie's face. This was a vampire true death that set the bar for all future true deaths. That's a solid 20 seconds of a character vomiting up blood, and then dying. All over Sookie's pretty white dress. Amazing. This ultra-violent, exceedingly over-the-top death also allowed this new series to inform the audience that "Yes, we're on HBO and we will be taking full advantage of that in both the boobs and blood categories."
Also, side note: this wasn't the only WTF moment from that particular night. This is also the same episode where Sookie meets a nice puppy and lets him sleep at the foot of her bed, only to wake up and find naked Sam Merlotte sleeping at her feet.
Season 4, Episode 1
Remember the Fairy War? The war that saw Sookie kidnapped, but also reunited her with her Grandfather Earl only to kill him off immediately? Remember how Sookie is saved by the Fae rebels from Queen Mab, who was only in one episode? Remember the fae light grenades? What the fuck was that?
Season 1, Episode 8
Sookie thinks Bill is dead. But he's nooooooot! Weeping in her little yellow summer dress, Sookie heads to the cemetery in the middle of the night to pay her respects at Bill's grave. But then, VAMPIRE SURPRISE! Bill's filthy, undead hand bursts out from the ground, Night of the Living Dead-style. She flips out (naturally) until Bill pulls his entire, dirt-covered naked body out of his own grave. And then Sookie is like, "Oooooh you're not dead," and they immediately start humping—without any showering or moist toilettes. It's just immediate sex, right there, with all that dirt, getting all up… well you know. This is how UTIs happen.
Season 4, Episode 9
Finally, the vampire threesome this series has been teasing for years—JK IT'S JUST A DREAM, YOU JERKS. Sookie has a dream threeway with Vampire Bill and Vampire Eric, but it's really just the weirdest thing ever instead of the greatest. Also, she wakes up before Bill and Eric kiss.
Bowl Full of Talbot
Season 3, Episode 9
Russell Edgington, played by the wondrous Denis O'Hare, goes full Shakespeare as he carries around a crystal bowl full of the remains of his deceased lover Talbot, which he talks to, at great length. There is absolutely no one on this planet who could have pulled this off but O'Hare. Totally insane and totally brilliant at the same time.
Merky Merf And The Merkin Bunch
Season 6, Episode 2
Three naked women, covered in blood, escort Vampire Bill to meet one of the original vampires, Lilith... inside his own mind. Bill needs a naked escort into the very recesses of his own thinking. This group appears countless times over this season; I think they're Lilith's interns or something. But we love when they curtsey and disappear, classy. Their existence is never explained (sirens maybe?). And that's OK, because True Blood.
Season 5, Episode 11
The Faerie Elder whose opening line was "Ke$ha for or against?"
Death By Bull Fist
Season 2, Episode 12
Maryann's completely erratic Maenad reign over Bon Temps would have ended in an utterly nonsensical manner, as her plans for the townspeople of Louisiana are a mess of utter nonsense. Prepping for an imaginary god to grace her plane of existence (who has never showed up and never will show up), Maryann generates a massive amount of sexual energy by throwing parties, feeding her newly adopted kids heart pies and making everyone lick an ostrich egg. She even tries to crucify Sam Merlotte, local shapeshifter. But Sam gets his revenge by pretending to be her bull god, and then spearing her with his horn fist right through her chest.
That Fucking Egg
Season 2, Episode 12
The egg, the center of a cliffhanger that everyone under Maryann's spell is forced to rub their blood on and lick, means nothing. The egg is nothing. It's just an egg.
Season 5, Episode 12
Andy Bellefleur impregnates a fairy who then gives birth on a pool table like this.
Bill Has Sex With A Blood Relative
Season 4, Episode 4
Bill Compton starts dating Portia Bellefleur; they start having sex. Bill later finds out that Portia is actually his great-great-great-great granddaughter, so he had sex with his blood relative, and he ends the relationship. Unfortunately, things only get worse when Portia decides she would like to continue having sex with her great-great-great-great grandfather, social taboos be dammed. Bill has to glamor her into being terrified of him to keep her away. Yikes.
Bill Turns Into The T-1000, Flies
Season 5, Episode 12
After ingesting all of the ancient blood of the vampire maker Lilith, Bill melts into a pool of blood. Then he regenerates T-1000-style, totally nude, and flies off. Just flies straight into the sky, totally naked.
Eric and Sookie Get High, Stand In The Shower
Season 4, Episode 8
Eric and Sookie get super high off of Eric's blood and instead of having really crazy cool sex, they stand in a shower and talk about how it's imaginary snowing in their mind. Sometimes watching fictional people get high is as fun as watching real-life people get high.
Season 2, Episode 6
One of the many, many orgy scenes from the second season. Villain Maryann charms the whole town into starting one big orgy that lasts for several days. It even makes some of the townsfolk cut off their own fingers. But mostly they just have a lot of group sex, and Maryann feeds off the energy, like some kind of hentai villain. The whole thing made absolutely no sense and totally devolved into "Is this really a show or did Alan Ball make a joke with a friend that he could get 17 people to fake having group sex on his new TV series?"
Season 4, Episode 3
A low point for True Blood. Jason Stackhouse is kidnapped by a group of werepanthers, who tie him to a bed, feed him Mexican viagra and rape him because they need more men who are breeders. It is really just the worst thing ever.
Fly In Head, Now You're Dead
Season 5, Episode 12
Oh dear, The Great Escape Sam Merlotte-style. Instead of fighting off a vampire with his fists (a fight where he would surely be defeated immediately), Sam uses his shapeshifting powers. He shapeshifts into a fly, flies into the vampire's head and then shape shifts back into his human self, thus causing the vampire head to basically explode because there's a human inside it. This succeeds in both killing the vampire and covering a naked Sam with vampire goo.
Season 3, Episode 9
Hands down the greatest True Blood moment in the history of this series (so far). Russell Edgington is done making nice with the human race. He's tired of playing nice and heads to the nightly news to rip out the local anchorman's spine and make an announcement: "We will eat you. After we eat your children." We did NOT expect this moment to happen, but holy cow, it was delivered with such flair that it was impossible not to get goosebumps. Well. Done. Sir.
The True Blood Sex Scene That Will Live On In Infamy
Season 3, Episode 3
Lorena, Bill's vampire maker, was a wonderful psychopath. All she wanted was to sire a vampire that would love her for an eternity. But Bill did not love her and could not love her and tried to kill himself just to be released from her control. It was a relationship that Lorena never gave up, and she was ready to burn down the South to get Bill back. So when the two finally reconnected for hot and heavy hate sex, True Blood took it to a whole new level. Unable to look at her face while inside of her, Bill twisted Lorena's neck to face her back, and then kept on keeping on. There are few words that can describe the WTF-ness of this scene. And God help anyone who tries to top it.
Honorable Mentions in the comments. Man, I'm going to miss this show.