The new apocalyptic comedy This Is The End is a treasure trove of dick jokes. But science fiction and fantasy have a long and proud history of wang-based humor. Here are the greatest dick jokes (intentional or unintentional) from throughout the history of science fiction and fantasy movies.
If there was a giant, schlong-shaped award for the longest running groin gag, Austin Powers' wordplay would win. True, the Austin Powers movies are basically the Shakespeare of terrible body humor (with most of the films being pretty fucking terrible) we have a soft spot for the well placed fruit gag and joke that is basically a reading of the thesaurus entry for the word cock.
God what to choose from — the fact that everyone is terrified of Dark Helmet's ball-squeezing trick, or the way the main characters commit to using their lightsabers?
When the Constructicons form the giant Devastator in the atrocious Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, the two wrecking balls take a very distinct place in the massive robot’s crotch. Is it the subtlest of dick jokes? No — but Michael Bay doesn’t do subtle. But Devastator’s balls are certainly the biggest dick joke in all of scifi, even if it is a joke that couldn’t be included on the kids toys that this theoretically kids-targeted movie was supposed to be selling. We're forever grateful to this horrible movie for making robot scrotums a thing. It's the dick joke that will live on in infamy, whether we like it or not.
Wolverine does not have balls of steel. He does have balls of adamantium, however, thanks to the folks in the Weapon X program, and that's even better. So when his opponent in the cage match in the first X-Men movie decides to attack the hairy Canadian in his presumed weak spot, all he does is make a small clanging soud, and a very pissed off mutant. It probably wasn't supposed as funny as we thought it actually was.
When Shinji comes to live with his boss Misato, he quickly learns three things about her: 1) she’s a slob, 2) she’s a functioning alcoholic, and 3) she also lives with a warm water penguin named Pen-Pen. It’s this last discovery that causes Shinji to burst out of the bathroom buck-naked to ask Misato what the hell is going on. We shan’t spoil the scene for you (which begins at 1:30 in the clip above) in case you haven’t seen it — but just so you know, that tiny bottle? It’s a jar of toothpicks.
Who needs subtlety and humor when you can just cut off a giant penis and affix it to the neck of your main character. And the giant Minotaur cock necklace wasn't just a throwaway gag, that thing bounces around, covering Danny McBrides chest with monster cock blood, dangles in front of the damsel in distress, and basically gets brought up again and again. It's so vile that the entire whole "flopping monster member" gag winds up being one of the funniest bits in the movie.
Sadly, there are actually two dick jokes — if you can call them that — in the six Star Wars movies, and both involve Jar Jar getting kicked or landing on his crotch, albeit with no adverse effect. But it’s the unintentional dick jokes that make the Star Wars movies a gold mine of phallic humor.
Please consider the following lines:
“Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?”
“Put that thing away before you get us all killed.”
“You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.”
“Sorry about the mess…”
“Look at the size of that thing!”
“Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!”
“Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?”
Hat tip to Mel Brooks for inventing the word schwanzstucker and then beating us over the head with it for the rest of the film. Everything sounds so sweet when it's being said by Teri Garr.
Everyone's favorite show in out idiot dystopian future is, "Ow My Balls." It probably means something that we laughed at this, a lot.
Not necessarily a joke, but rather a shocking and excellent comeback from
the baby Drew Barrymore Elliott that made us laugh, hard. It's also kind of a testament to 80s movies that showed a real slice of life. NO WAY that line would make it through the final cut today.
Before Peter Jackson was off making fancypants Lord of the Rings movies, he made zombie dick jokes. Like this one, in which one poor victim gets his penis ripped out mid grave piss. Seems fair.
The half robot half cop monster shoots a rapist right between his victim's legs. Good. Lord. "Your move, creep."
James Caan teaching an alien about condoms, ladies and gentlemen!
From Dusk Till Dawn
Horror movie legend Tom Savini guest stars as a character only Robert Rodriguez could name Sex Machine. And yes, his penis is a gun. If you weren't certain exactly what sort of delightful horror schlock and violence was awaiting you in this vampire movie, the dick gun sums it all up with one ridiculous metal flip.
The best dick joke in the entire history of film.