True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

True Blood, a show where one character can literally explode in another's crotch, and no, I don't just mean sex. Yes, of course, there was sex; this is True Blood! And last night, a whole lotta ground-shaking crotch explosions occurred—but no actual plot advancement, mostly just nonsense and crotch stuff.

Before I get into the one of the first amazing crotch exploding scenes, moment-by-moment, pro-and-con style, I would like to give a big shout out to everyone who was just as excited as I was to see Jason and Eric get it on. When I went over to Tumblr and searched "True Blood," this is what awaited me. Well done everyone.

True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

And now, on to the pro/con recap, written (mostly) as I was experiencing it.

Pro: OMG it's Eric. IT'S ERIC!!!!!!

*Stands Up And Runs Around The House Waving Hands Making The Silent Cheer Scream*

Pro: I couldn't catch the name of this lovely villa-esque hotel, but if I had to guess it's probably called "Miss Jackson Hotel If You're Nasty… For Sex," because this sweepy camera angle, Vaseline lens and rose-tinted filter has our "sex is happening" light a flashin'. And I am getting a strong The Velvet Rope vibe from all these red curtains.

Pro: Eric goes to the window, looks out, and untucks his shirt. Why? Because he just got off the train from a three hour commute, his feet are killing him, his head is pounding and he just needs five minutes. Five minutes all to himself. Five minutes, OK? THANK YOU.

True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

Pro: Enter... Jason, to which I respond with an aroused version of the Home Improvement title noise.

Pro: And Eric and Jason are already eye-fucking the absolute shit out of each other. If anyone had any doubts, they have all been erased, sex is happening.

Pro: Jason is freaking out because he just wants Eric to love him (we feel you).

True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

Pro: Vampire Mixologist Eric responds.

True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

Pro: Wait, wait, wait, Eric makes the drink for Jason? Look, I know these two are five shakes of a lamb's tail away from creating the two-backed beast, but this was surprising—and thoughtful. Eric even remembered the twist!

Pro: Jason's go-to seduction move is to shove Eric. Aaaaaand it works!

Pro: I'm pro/conning the slightest decisions of what I'm certain is a sex dream of a fictional character in a vampire show mostly about sex. Someone call 2004 Journalism School Graduate Meredith Woerner and tell her not to worry about the future!

True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

Pro: And now the actual caressing rub down, passionate kisses, the works! Cue Sergio!

Pro: Jason and Eric get the whole '90s sexy body camera pan treatment. There's lots of gasping and moaning, and I know this is all adult stuff and I should be an adult about it, but I can't help but feel like this is actually a parody the Top Gun sex scene—like a parody of the sex scene parody in Hot Shots.

Pro: I mean after the countless Sookie scenes, it's nice to see some blond-on-blond fella action.

Pro: LOL, as I predicted, it's all just a sex dream. And it has absolutely no impact on the show's plot whatsoever. I love this vampire hump show.

Con: As I predicted, it has no impact on this terrible, terrible plot whatsoever. I hate this vampire hump show.

Pro: Basically, True Blood says, "Happy pride, y'all!"

Con: And now we pick up right after the church meeting. Let's hope this episode makes more sense than the last one... oh wait, no... Sookie just now decides to tell the entire police force of Bon Temps that she saw a dead body yesterday and was like, "Hey, a dead body. You know what movie I haven't seen in a long time? Stand By Me."

Pro: Mayor Sam stands like this.

True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

Pro: Hey, Alcide. *Little Nod*

Pro: Maxine Fortenberry has a personal cooling device around her neck as she exists the church. True Blood props and costume department, I see you.

Con: The pastor tells Sam he needs to keep the people busy, so Sam sends them to clean his old bar. Good idea, Mayor Sam. This will in no way blow up in your face.

Con: Lettie Mae Daniels gets more screen time. Why is Lettie Mae Daniels getting more screen/plot time? She's "going to go visit Lafayette," and I do not like this.

Con: This vampire, and his whole Irish/Aussie/My Fair Lady accent.

True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

Con: Spending more time in Fangtastia, the airtight, well established vampire hangout that no one has thought to out check yet. I'm happy to hang out with Arlene and her whole, "that vampire taught our keeeeeds" shtick. But I am FULL UP on new vampires and other new characters. Even the Hep-V vampires, these people have got to go. This is the final season I don't want to spend it with new assholes. I want to spend it with the assholes I spent the last six years watching.

Pro: Arlene threatens the writers of this show: "I did not survive four lousy husbands, a serial killer boyfriend and the sort of suicide of my love Terry to die in the dingy basement of a fucking vampire bar." Do not do to me what you did to Tara last week, please.

Con: Sookie takes the law enforcement back to the body she found in the woods and quotes something she read off a tombstone (believe it) about the brutal indifference of life. Hey Sooks, where was your compassion for this poor soul when you stumbled over her cold, dead body the previous night and decided, "No, no, first I need some Jack Daniels and some sex, and then I'll report to the authorities about the poor dead girl in my backyard. I'm sure the coyotes won't eat her face off too much for an open casket funeral." Please, someone, please call her out on this bullshit.

Con: ROAD TRIP!

Pro: Meanwhile, Lafayette is everything.

True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

Pro: Lafayette continues to be everything while this Lettie Mae story rolls on. I'm not saying I don't like the actress who plays Tara's mother (she's sensational) but I just don't want to spend anymore time with this character than I have to. Thankfully, this moment was perfection:

Lettie Mae: "You're going to HELL!"

Lafayette: "That's what this is." *waves hand*

FIN

Lafayette is an underutilized gem, and it breaks my heart that this is the last year we will spend with this character. But thank goodness we still have moments like this.

Con: FUCK ALL THESE NEW CHARACTERS AND THIS STORYLINE.

True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

Con: Thanks to Vince the human penis, we now have a Bon Temps riot on our hands. And all the citizens are breaking broomsticks and the handles of potato mashers over their knees like it's no thing.

Con: Cut back to the vampire bar, where vampires have been hanging out for years and yet no human character thinks to look for vampires there, Arlene and company remind the Hep-V kidnappers that they all used to be buddies.

Pro: Watching Arlene try and con this Vampire Teacher is so wonderfully obvious that I was waiting for Arlene to pull out a cigar and exclaim, "I love it when a plan comes together." But this is True Blood... so instead of being saved a lot of really horrific sex stuff happened.

C0n: And now for a 10-minute deviation to the town of Saint Alice because of that body that they found.

Pro: Katrina, got it.

True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

Pro: Mayor Sam gets this week's LOL for having to climb up the fence to read this message.

Con: The Scooby gang discovers a mass grave, which 1) pretty clever of the Hep-V vamps to construct that grave and keep everything organized, and 2) how did they not SMELL this?

True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

Con: Sookie, Alcide, Sam (the elected Mayor of Bon Temps) and the only other cops from Bon Temps do not immediately leave to warn their people about the mass grave they just discovered.

Con: Kenya is outwitted by the stupid mob. Kenya, we expected more from you. She then arms the entire town with the police's supply of guns and ammunition and has absolutely zero problem when they decide to start firing them off inside the police station. In the hallways. You are a cop for crissakes. I hate everyone involved in this storyline.

Con: Guns bad, got it.

Pro: Jessica can feel the Faeby getting imprisoned with Holly's son (who's working a very aggressive pompadour style right now). Also, snaps to Jessica and her bold choice to wear all the turquoise jewelry. I too went through a very aggressive "let's buy all the turquoise jewelry and wear it all at once," phase.

True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

Con: Jessica can't reach Sookie because she threw her phone away last episode. Because everyone in this town is good at one thing: making horrible decisions.

Con: The gang made up of most of Bon Temps law enforcement and their government continues to not go back to Bon Temps and warn the town about the gigantic amount of death they just witnessed. Instead, they go to the dead girl's house. Why? Because there are 52 minutes in this episode and it can't all be Eric having sex with Jason.

Pro: However, maybe it was all worth it for Jason's "Pizza Forensics" line. Pizza Forensics would also make a great name for a band made up entirely of junior high science teachers.

True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

Con: Alcide and Sookie go upstairs in the dead girl's house, looking for, I don't know, clues? Hey guys, I'm pretty sure it was the swarm of Hep-V vampires that did it. And those vampires are not in that house. Wait, do these characters think maybe the Hep-V vampires are hiding in this house? Like everyone is in the closet or something? Why are they still in this house?

Con: Sookie finds the dead girl's diary and thinks, "You know what? We've got all the time in the world. I'll start reading this chick's diary from a few years back."

True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

Con: There are eight episodes left of this series. Not season, series. And we are spending minutes listening to Sookie Stackhouse read the diary of another person and then flashing back to her own history, a.k.a. the first season. Serious question: Does True Blood think we don't remember the first season? Who do they think is still watching this show?

CON: YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE AND GO WARN THE TOWN THAT THERE IS A VAMPIRE SWARM STRONG ENOUGH TO EAT THE WHOLE TOWN. PUT DOWN THE DIARY. WORST COPS/MAYOR EVER.

Con: Tara is back as a crucified ghost speaking in tongues with that yellow snake from the Britney Spears "Slave" VMA awards.

There are no words...

True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

This whole scene makes about as much sense as Tara's entire existence on this series so OK I will allow it because I'm tired and weak.

Pro: When Vampire Teacher volunteered to monitor the sleeping, I swear I heard the theme from The Great Escape.

True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

Pro: I know I've been harping on the "new characters" quite a bit, but Vampire Teacher is exempt from this. Why? Because she reminds me of exactly why I fell in love with this show. She isn't a sexy, young vampire with boner fangs and Hot Topic costumes. She looks like a teacher. She has teacher clothes and a teacher haircut, but she just happens to be a vampire. And in this case, she just happens to be a vampire with Hep-V who is dying and making really rash decisions.

More importantly, Vampire Teacher reminds me of the Eddie and Lafayette story from the first season—the older vampire who didn't look like the traditional vampire. He liked to listen to the Bangles and be with Lafayette. In return, Lafayette was paid in Eddie's blood, which he then sold on the V-Juice black market. The relationship made sense, but more importantly, it was so refreshingly new. Anyone could be a vampire. And dealing with each individual vampire would be similar to dealing with a random person you pulled off the street (except they may or may not eat you). Everyone was different. That idea was a great idea.

Remember the first-ever True Blood vampire? He was a Louisiana hillbilly who was super insulted by a bunch of kids' desire to poke fun at the vampire cult. He didn't even "drop fang" first; he disciplined the offending teens. And when they were dicks back, then he threatened to eat them. I miss that part of this series, pushing the strange, new "out of the coffin" aspect of this show. I also miss the surprise of who is and who isn't a vampire. So yes, I love Vampire Teacher.

Pro: And, on the flip side of the smart new vampires, I love that this show "had" to have Vampire Teacher basically go down on Arlene to help them break out. And of course, while she was down there bobbing her head in the most hilarious "oh this show" way ever, she died and exploded blood all over Arlene's crotch. Because just when you think things are getting smart, forget it folks; this is True Blood town.

True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

Con: Blah blah, Andy finds out Jessica is in the attic. Sookie tells Alcide, "Thanks for driving me, but you stink. JK, I'm going to my other boyfriend's house. IT WAS ALL A TRICK." And I guess now Bill is involved somehow. Don't care.

Con: Most Important. Pam finds Eric. Eric has Hep-V. I just... I can't...

True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

If this show doesn't finish with Eric—and I mean the last fucking episode—I will burn down my house.

So all in all, this was a random as hell episode. It was a mix of weird pandering with a sex scene that has nothing to do with character growth or plot. It was just there to be there. And while it was very hot (possibly top 2 hottest TB sex scenes of all time) it was very, "Here's some sex." And (as I stated earlier) we know this show is smarter than that. True Blood used to be pretty good at showcasing real-life relationships in interesting ways, but what we got was fan fiction.

Russell Edgington's epic mourning murder spree over the loss of his lover Talbot was not only gruesome, but you almost felt for the vengeful human-hating psychopath. Hoyt and Jessica, I'm still not sure I can talk about them out loud without getting choked up. As much fun as it was to watch Jason tackle Eric, it rang hollow, because it was just cheesy dream sex for the sake of having cheesy dream sex. Where's the heart?

But as a sex scene that stands alone as a sex scene, "Hey Game of Thrones, you just got served."

True Blood Makes Every Character's Crotch Explode

Gif via cheezeburger.