True Blood Brings Back America's Boyfriend

Last night's episode may have been filled with people just setting things up for the next week (and yeah, that's lame), but it did herald the return of America's Boyfriend. Plus we got to see what Vampire Pity Sex looks like.

Let's PRO/CON this puppy!

Pro: Eric stands over a restrained vampire Amber and does his best peeved 2nd grade substitute teacher, "Did your sister come to see yooou, AM-BER?" And hey everybody, it's Yakuza Cowboy… still! Sure!

Con: Eric's go-to move is burning a picture of Amber's boyfriend. Oh no, not the picture! If only we had Facebook. Oh, we do? OK great, we're good. This is not a real threat. Also, it sucks the that Amber sucks now.

True Blood Brings Back America's Boyfriend

Con: Eric kills the only real lead they had on where Sarah Newlin was. Good thinking, guy! Also, here's a thought, maybe drink Amber's blood before killing her?

Con: Andy and Holly continue the long episode filler journey of trying to find their fornicating children.

Pro: Andy calls Vampire Bill, calls him "Vampire Bill." I love you, Andy.

Con: If this is Violet's house, why the hell was she slumming it with Miller Light pillows at Jason's crappy pad? Oh right, love.

True Blood Brings Back America's Boyfriend

Pro: Also, Violet's house is violet. Seemed obvious.

Pro: Violet talks about her sex toys the way I would talk about a table I found at the flea market, "OH, I got that strap-on in Zanzibar in the 19th Century."

True Blood Brings Back America's Boyfriend

Con: Violet has over 100-year-old sex toys. Seems gross. How does one even clean wooden dildos? The same way you clean a butcher block counter top? That's tedious work.

Pro: Violet's whimsical, "Have fun fucking" departure. These kids are so screwed.

Pro: Also, pro her whole sex room. Because of course a character on this show has a room that is attempting to be a classy version of a hump den. But at the end of the day, it's still just a very expensive hump den. It's like those hotels with heart-shaped pools and in-room waterfalls, when you're real young and stupid this seems like the height of luxury. But when you're older ,you just think, "Dear god, all the semens."

True Blood Brings Back America's Boyfriend

Con: I forgot how much Vampire Bill's Vampire Office screamed of recently divorced dad who randomly got super into modern art.

True Blood Brings Back America's Boyfriend

Pro: Cut to Arlene, who is having sex dreams about her new soon-to-be Vampire Boyfriend. OK, sure. I like Arlene now, sure have some pretty explicit sexy dreams, Arlene. And rock on with the pop-up bra color look. Haven't seen that in awhile.

True Blood Brings Back America's Boyfriend

Con: Meanwhile ,back in Dallas, how are these acceptable pants?

True Blood Brings Back America's Boyfriend

Pro: Yakuza Cowboy strikes a deal with Eric. Says, "His word is oak," and Eric will be his spokesperson for New Blood (copyright pending, JK, you know Yakuza Cowboy is all over that shit), then he will give him lots of money. Eric agrees to be (as Pam cleverly puts it) "A spokesperson for your vampire Jenny Craig commercials." Yakuza Cowboy repeats that his word is oak. Has Yakuza Cowboy NOT seen Jerry Maguire?

Con: Another Bill Compton old-timey flashback. This show manages to cram the entire history of Fangtasia into one episode, but Bill's 8-year span before he went off to fight the Civil War gets 7 episodes. To quote Adam Sandler, on SNL's Stand-Up & Win! "Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?"

True Blood Brings Back America's Boyfriend

Pro: EVERYONE SING! "My Hoyt-friend's back and you're gonna be in trouble. Hey lah hey lah my Hoyt-friend's back."

True Blood Brings Back America's Boyfriend

Con: WHO IS THIS SKANK?

True Blood Brings Back America's Boyfriend

Pro: Hey, Big John survived the True Blood Hep-V zombie vampire attack wave.

Neither a Pro nor a Con, just noticing that Hoyt looks skinny and he "seems" different. He's also tucking his pants into his work boots. And is wearing buttoned -p denim on denim. I want to say this is an oil rig worker safety thing, but I live in Brooklyn. So no... no it's not.

Con: Hoyt and BRIDGETTE sit in a booth right where his first date with Jessica was. This is blasphemy. THIS SHOULD BE ILLEGAL.

Pro: Jason listens to a Walkman while happily sucking up the last love attempt from his ex-girlfriend. Harsh. But yeah, that's well within the Jason wheelhouse.

True Blood Brings Back America's Boyfriend

Pro: Jason runs to Bellefleur's (hmmm) and begins to eye-fuck the shit out of Hoyt's girlfriend's general breasticles area. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, JASON? DO YOU NOT REMEMBER HOW THIS ENDED FOR YOU LAST TIME? But if this means that they will break up and Hoyt will get back with Jessica, then OK I'm for it.

Pro: Do you think Hoyt's girlfriend is, like, a Siren or something? I refuse to believe that Jason is that terrible of a person to ogle this woman while starring the wreckage of his former relationship right in the eyes. But then again... it's Jason.

Pro: Back at Sookie's house, homegirl calls Dr. Ludwig! Oh yay, we love this character and her long, blonde pony tail! Excellent character revisit.

Con: BILL FLASH BACK PART 89. WHY DO WE CARE WHO CAROLINE IS?

Con: After talking a bunch smack, Dr. Ludwig tells Vampire Bill that his Hep-V (which is basically black veins) has thoroughly grossed her out? Wait, what? She's seen vampires explode into piles of gooey blood, right? And the the cherry on top is ,when Sookie reveals she's from the fae line of Niall Brigant, she high tails the fuck out of there. Hmmm, this is very suspicious of Dr. Ludwig. Are you a pod person?

True Blood Brings Back America's Boyfriend

Pro: Jason and Hoyt share a sad moment where Jason just straight up lies about his mother's involvement in the town uprising. I'm OK with this.

Pro: AH HA HA HA, Sookie brings back Rutger Hauer (YAY)! He comes back and demands spaghetti (as is canon). Sookie asks for a miracle to which her Fairy Godfather says, "No, here's a shitty Bill flashback instead." AH HA HA HA. You just got fairied.

True Blood Brings Back America's Boyfriend

Pro: Niall tells Sookie he doesn't like her for him. Honestly at this point, these two deserve each other.

Pro: I know this is wildly out of character (for me), but I kind of love Sookie this episode. She tells her Grandpa she doesn't know what's so fucking great about being Fae Royalty (and she's right, so far it's caused her nothing but trouble). And then spends the rest of the episode running around to all her magics and DEMANDING a miracle. As she should, the magical rules onfthe last 7 years of this series has been so freaking arbitrary, why not now? Why not get what you really need, when you need it? I'm for it Sookie.

Pro: Sarah Newlin drives back to the best plot this series ever had. Season 2 and the whole crazed anti-vampire christian cult was hands down, my personal favorite story arc on this series. So much great stuff to parody and poke fun at, you could tell people who wrote for this show had actually been to church camp (or they're just really good writers). Either way, it was great and even though this is clearly True Blood just doing a victory lap past all the old greats, I'll allow it.

True Blood Brings Back America's Boyfriend

Pro: COMMENCE THE VIOLET RAMPAGE.

True Blood Brings Back America's Boyfriend

Pro: Back at Bellefleur's, Arlene and her new vampire boyfriend dance. And he's cool with waiting because she's Hep-V positive. So they just dance, which is basically the True Blood John Hughes way of saying "I'll wait for you." Or something.

Pro: Cut back to church camp and Sarah has gone full blown crazy. Believes that she is the Messiah. And the cherry on top? Sarah starts hallucinating, thus allowing a reprisal of her first husband (and best), Rev. Steve Newlin. And he's wearing the original Fellowship getup that was so great the first time around.

True Blood Brings Back America's Boyfriend

True Blood Brings Back America's Boyfriend

And at the same time it's a little "aw remember when this was really really really good?" Now it's just characters remembering when it was good, and Bill's Civil War breaks.

Pro: Sookie does her best "remember the first season" breathy stride through the cemetery and into Vampire Bill's Hep-V arms. She then has Vampire Pity Sex.

Con: Surprised they didn't play "The Sound Of Silence" when Sookie and Vampire Bill started having sex. Come on, how great would it be to begin it with "Hello darkness, my old friend…" I can't tell if Sookie WANTS to have sex with Bill or if she just feels really guilty for giving him Hep-V. Oh Hell, who am I kidding she was ready to jump him at Alcide's wake, like yesterday. These two deserve each other.

Pro: However this is the first time these two have had non-bitey bloodshed sex. It was ALMOST HUMAN, and sad. A sad reconnection. It's not that I want Vampire Bill to die, but if he does, does that mean no more flashbacks? *Makes scales with hands*

So yeah, all in all a lot of set up and not a lot of delivery. I mean why were Pam and Eric even in this episode, to wake up? Let's hope next week there's more action. And that Hoyt didn't return for no good reason (the reason is to get back together with Jessicia).