True Blood Brings Back Everything We Love About This Series

OK, now that was a very good episode of True Blood, mostly because it ended a lot of annoying story lines that no one cared about in favor of delivering piping hot fan service—and one reveal so fantastic it almost caused me to throw both my wine and my cat.

Getting right down to business with this wonderful episode:

Pro: It's the T-1000's house! And he still has the silver fence up that doesn't really protect anyone because vampires can fly and/or probably just climb over it with a ladder. But I like where your head is at, T-1000. Safety first.

True Blood Brings Back Everything We Love About This Series

Pro: Sookie calls T-1000 to tell him that his son, Alcide is dead. (pause for Taps sung by people saying "Hey, Alcide" over and over again: "Heeeey Alciiiiide. Hey Alciiiiiiiiiide. Hey Alcide, Hey Alcide, Hey Alcide"). I assume this means this episode will be entirely based around a funeral, as is True Blood tradition.

Con: I feel like there's an implication in this scene that laying around in your underwear on the couch drinking is déclassé. How else are you supposed to watch television in the summer? Asking for a friend...

True Blood Brings Back Everything We Love About This Series

Pro: WAIT, YOU GUYS HAVE A MORGUE? I was under the impression that Bon Temps just flung corpses around town like kicked up gravel.

Pro: Cut to Alaska? Wait, wait… Oooooooh My Goooooooooooooood!

True Blood Brings Back Everything We Love About This Series

PRO: HOLY SHIT, IT'S HOYT FORTENBERRY.

*Cut to my living room*

True Blood Brings Back Everything We Love About This Series

True Blood Brings Back Everything We Love About This Series

True Blood Brings Back Everything We Love About This Series


Con: Hoyt is crying; Jason is near tears and I am screaming. Everything I was holding in my lap (glass of wine, smallish cat) is now on the floor. The whole world is cry-screaming together. We are one.

Con: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, no more Hoyt? Cut back to Hoyt! I have many Hoyt-specific questions: How is he doing? He looks skinny; is he eating? Does he have a girlfriend? Alaska seems cold; does he have enough blankets? Should I send him some blankets? His hair seems longer; does he not like his barber in Alaska, or is this an intentional 50's swoop thing? Not that it looks bad; I just want to know if this was the plan. LOOK HOYT, JUST GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS SO I CAN SEND YOU A CARE PACKAGE.

Pro: Alcide's dad still has the one black eye and one blue eye. I like this.

Pro: Alcide's dad: "He loved the fuck out of you, Sookie." Ah, swearing for no reason, feels like home to me.

Pro: Sookie gives Jason her 100th "Man the fuck up, please" speech. Side note: Jesus, these two really look like siblings right now.

Pro: True Blood continuity flies Anubis Air.

Pro: Eric is feasting on this donor, thus giving her Hep-V and probably getting her fired from her job. I missed POS Vampire Eric. It's been too long. "Congratulations, Victoria." What a cock. Love you!

Pro: They are going to Shreveport, because OF COURSE they are going to Shreveport. Eric uses the excuse of Willa, but really we all know it's that magical fairy vagina he's missing. And I'm not saying that to be gross. That is a real line that was in this show. A good line.

Pro: HISTORICAL VAMPIRE FLASHBACK takes us back to the '80s with Pam and Eric. Hey, it's Magistrate! Remember that guy? I loved that guy and his teeth ripping. Great guy, that guy. Also, I love the way he says this whole town smells like "sperm and piss and bad hair dye." *Points at my nose with one hand and at the Magistrate with the other.* Nailed it.

True Blood Brings Back Everything We Love About This Series

Pro: Eric and Pam's punishment is running a video rental store in Shreveport. AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! This is the perfect punishment. In fact, this is almost too good of a punishment, like ridiculously cruel and monotonous. Pam and Eric's reaction is priceless: "I'm so sorry, Pam." All in all, they seem pretty jazzed about it.

True Blood Brings Back Everything We Love About This Series

Con: Fun fact: a tunnel to the Underground Railroad is in the basement of Pam and Eric's new video Store. I'm sure this fun fact will in no way be imperative to plot later.

Con: Sookie goes over to Andy's house to make a promise to her children—a promise she can't possibly keep, and should know better than to make. Small children, word of advice: do not trust Sookie. Everything she loves dies or is already dead.

Con: Holly fights Sookie while she's trying to retrieve her painful memories. No offense, but this seems wildly outside of Holly's character. She usually a pretty good person who is often injecting herself into the lives of others to help. I feel like she would want to help a bit more than this. But it is traumatic, so OK.

Pro: Andy doesn't know how to comfort Holly. Sookie tells him, "We like to be held." That we do. That we do.

Pro: Sam is driving like a mime would drive an imaginary car down a fake street in Paris. This is Seinfeld level bad driving.

True Blood Brings Back Everything We Love About This Series

Pro: Meanwhile at Bill's house, it's time for a Baby Vampire intervention. Jessica isn't healing because she hasn't been eating (I TOLD YOU). But James is making her eat by tattling on her to Bill. It's OK; she needs to eat.

Con: Sookie stops by Bill's house and gets caught up in the intervention. Her maternal instincts peaking, Sookie asks the guys to leave because Jessica, "needs to here this from a woman." Apparently what she needs to hear is that Sookie doesn't "give a shit" about any of her problems. Oh great, I'm so glad you did this alone in my room. What a nice thing to say. But wait, there's more. Sookie continues, "I'm sorry, but I just don't give a fuck about you or your problems." So let me get this straight, Sookie doesn't care about Jessica's problems but still wants her to heal herself so she can risk her life for Sookie's problems. Where do we sign up?

Pro: That being said, I'm glad Jessica is eating again. And my god, she is giving off the puppy eyes in this. And NO, this is not the first time I've used this puppy shot with Baby Vampire Jessica, nor will it be the last!

True Blood Brings Back Everything We Love About This Series

Pro: Has Vampire Bill always been standing up tits first? Why am I just noticing this?

Pro: Historical '90s Vampire Flashback reveals Ginger pre-Fangtasia. This reveal is hitting a little too close to home. Her glasses, rolled up pants, hairstyle, choker, henley shirt worn UNDER the flannel—this is very good. Very, very good. Weirdly good. Uncomfortably good. Too. Many. Memories. Flooding. In. Does anyone else have flashbacks to "A Girl Like You" and talking on their clear phone and dancing in front of their mirror deciding which pair of old man brown cords they're going to wear to school? Oh god, why does everything taste like Orange Julius and Camel cigarettes?

True Blood Brings Back Everything We Love About This Series

Pro: Ginger basically reiterates the entire thematic meaning of True Blood to Pam, "We're examining the plight of the other in society and how others are treated vis-a-vis vampire lore."

Pro: Holy Crap, '90s Vampire Eric.

True Blood Brings Back Everything We Love About This Series

Pro: Another specific pro goes to Vampire Eric's "walk in" music which is Garbage's "#1 Crush," which just works on every single level. Every. Single. Level.

Truth talk, True Blood: how long have you kept this in your holster? This is too good. If I could put this episode on the floor and roll around in it like a dog (or Sam), I would.

Pro: When Vampire Eric walked out, my response was, "That is a straight up Luke Perry wig." And turns out I was very close? Thanks to the Tweets to True Blood's real life Costumer Designer Audrey Fisher, we now know where the actual inspiration came from—and that I was mostly right.

See? Mostly right. See top image for comparison. It's amazing.

Con: Sookie feeds Vampire Bill and has a weird heart-to-heart about why he's helping her. Minutes ago, she was basically demanding Jessica shape up and help her; now we have time for sweetness? I'm confused.

Pro: Lafayette shows up to save Jessica. Drops a whole lot of adorable attitude, and then opens up about killing Jesus. Sigh, that was a rough time. And, to be fair, it really wasn't your fault Lafayette, but I see where he's coming from. We are all "deeply flawed-ass motherfuckers."

Pro: Lafayette saves Jessica. In return, he and Vampire James eye-fuck the shit out of each other.

Pro: Ginger comes up with the idea and name for Fangtasia.

Pro: Pam steals it. Aw, poor Ginger. Classic Pam. Thankfully, later on, she admits to Eric that she stole the whole idea. He is delighted and calls her "such a biiiiitch," in the bitchiest way possible.

Pro: Eric and Pam drop in on Bill. This is how Eric greets Bill: "Pam tells me you wrote a book in which you claim not to be an asshole anymore. Is this true, Bill?" Ah! It's been so long since there was fun banter between these two. Remember when they went shopping? Good times. I'm so, so, so glad we've stepped away from naked, screaming Billith and we've returned to insult-hurling Pam and Eric eye-banging. Sadly, the fun turns quickly to disease talk where the patient makes jokes and the mother figure frets. I don't need to spell out which is which, right?

Pro: Sookie and Eric reconnect, and he plays with her hair. These are things that can't be taught, people.

Pro: Eric summons his abandoned progeny Willa, to which she yells, "Shit, I fucking hate you." Families, AMIRITE? This whole back-and-forth between these two is some delightful old-timey True Blood banter. Willa says she doesn't give a shit about Sookie, and Sookie responds with, "No, I get it," once again highlighting that the best part of True Blood is watching ancient vampires deal with everyday crap, like bitchy teens that have every right to hate them. This is gold.

True Blood Brings Back Everything We Love About This Series

Con: And because Eric is so totally still sprung on Sookie, he agrees to loan Pam and Willa in the fight against Fangtasia. Oh right... the Underground Railroad.

Pro: So the gang heads to Fangtasia to (hopefully) close this storyline. Sam uses his shapeshifting abilities to scare all the ladies underneath, blah, blah. It's moving forward—don't question it.

Con: Then these assholes show up. UUUUUUUUUGH

True Blood Brings Back Everything We Love About This Series

Pro: Arlene is picked for the next Hep-V feeding frenzy. She starts to lose it (it being her blood and her mind) and starts to see Angel Terry. Oh, Terry!

True Blood Brings Back Everything We Love About This Series

This episode has now basically evolved into a fan favorite reel, and I am TOTALLY OK with that. Angel Terry shows up to dying Arlene and is all sweet and cute and says "babe." But after talking for a little while, they decide she shouldn't go to heaven, and Arlene comes back to the real life (also thanks to some vampire blood). I'm just glad we got to see Terry in this final season, even if only for a bit. You look good, Angel Terry.

Pro: The fighting concludes without any real casualties (i.e. any important character I have the hots for/love). Team Original Bon Temps is the winner and all the Hep-V vampires are dead, thank goodness, and so is the band of idiotic, armed villagers. Win-win all the way around. And the cherry on top? Vincent the human penis is dead. Hooray.

True Blood Brings Back Everything We Love About This Series

Pro: "Jesus Christ, that was intense." - Jason. We agree.

In conclusion, has anyone given the vampires with Hep-V fairy blood? I feel like that would heal the vampires pretty quickly. It allowed them to stay outside—hell, it almost saved Russell Edgington from a stake to the heart, why not Hep-V? Did I forget if this happened already? I may have. Also, as this final season has now become super fan service (I am NOT complaining), I demand a Russell and Talbot happier days flashback, please! Also, more Hoyt. If James and Lala are going to do what I think they are going to do, the only right thing to do is to bring back Hoyt, preferably in a scene where he puts his hands on his head, looks down sad, and then looks up and smiles. I know it's specific, but Mama likes what Mama likes.

Great episode. Truly moving forward with the characters we all care about—and shucking off the rest.