True Blood: "Here Is A Hot Dildo On A Stick, Are You Not Entertained?"

True Blood is hell bent on getting shit done this week. So hang on tight, because True Blood is about to wrap things up, and fast. Oh, also there were some ridiculous/horrifying medieval torture sex toys, because True Blood!

Let's break this bitch down Pro/Con style:

Pro: Sarah Newlin decides to just walk out and offer her body up to her vampire attackers because there are only two episodes after this one and it's time to move shit along.

Pro: Eric drinks Sarah and is healed. Awesome Eric returns with an amazing cackle and bloody smile.

True Blood: "Here Is A Hot Dildo On A Stick, Are You Not Entertained?"

Pro: And Pam's all:

True Blood: "Here Is A Hot Dildo On A Stick, Are You Not Entertained?"

Pro: Thank Christ, Awesome Eric is back. Gone is the depressed, Charlie Brown Vampire; returned is the Viking Vampire big swinging dick.

Pro: An additional pro goes out to Vampire Eric for not just pilfering the closet of the Hot Topic vampire, but actually wearing the entire ensemble as it was intended. He could have just put on the t-shirt, but no the shirt was layered over a long-sleeve shirt, draped with a studded vest and then paired with completely unacceptable zipper pants.

Con: After a night of intense pity humping, Sookie decides that it's time to tie up some loose ends. Remembering Bill was hired to stalk, kidnap and deliver her to a Queen Vampire but instead decided to seduce her, propose marriage and then almost kill her (twice), Sookie asks Bill what was up with all that.

True Blood: "Here Is A Hot Dildo On A Stick, Are You Not Entertained?"

Bill responds as only Bill can and reveals that Queen Sophie-Anne wanted to "breed" Sookie. Bill, it's called sex—you know what it is because you were just having it. But OK, sure, "breed" works because I guess Queen Sophie-Anne wanted a farm of fairy people. Bill then goes on to say that Queen Sophie-Anne used to be pretty alright a long time ago before she ruined Vampire Yahtzee forever. Sorry pal, she was the worst.

Con: Apparently Hep-V caused Bill to also come down with a bad case of the woe-is-me-sies, because now he doesn't think he has a human heart anymore—which would be true because he's not human; he is a vampire. Last season he was running around screaming about how he could FEEL ALL THE VAMPIRES. But now he doesn't have the capacity to love? You are the worst, Bill.

Con: Meanwhile, back at the never-ending "what does crucified ghost Tara want to tell us?" storyline, everybody gets high off vampire blood and goes back in time inside the memories of a dead vampire ghost. That is a real plot.

Pro: One positive side of traveling back into the memory of the ghost of a dead vampire is we get to meet Baby Lafayette.

True Blood: "Here Is A Hot Dildo On A Stick, Are You Not Entertained?"

Con: But then we find out that this story isn't about how Lafayette was a nice kid; it's about Tara's dad, the real reason for all of their troubles. So it wasn't the booze or the beatings or the fact that Tara's Mom was a drunk, her DAD (whom we have never met until three episodes before the series finale) is the real bad guy. Tara's dad is a bad man and he just hates birthdays, and birthday presents and birthday cakes.

True Blood: "Here Is A Hot Dildo On A Stick, Are You Not Entertained?"

Con: You see, by introducing the brand-new character of the father, this show basically absolves both Tara and her mother of any real responsibility. They are both so innocent in comparison to this brand-new father. Seriously, he tries to whip out a gun at a child's birthday party, which is just *shakes head and throws hands in the air*

And what was in the ground? What was everyone looking for in the dirt? That same gun that baby Tara should have shot her father with, and now ghost Tara feels bad that she didn't commit murder at the ripe age of 7. This family is fucked.

Pro: On the plus side, chasing the V-Juice dragon with Tara means that this actress got a proper goodbye as opposed to dying off-camera as a puddle of red goo. Tara deserved better and I guess this gave Lafayette something to do. However, I would have been happy just to watch him navigate his new relationship with Vampire James.

Con: Cut to Hoyt. He's reeling from his mother's death by acting like a real dick. His girlfriend what's-her-face makes a casual comment about their totally hypothetical kids and Hoyt goes full "I'm-going-to-make-it-known-that-I-am-not-romantically-interested-in-this-woman-so-when-I-begin-to-hit-on-Vampire-Jessica-everyone-is-cool-with-it." To which Jason responds, "Fuckin' A, Bubba."

True Blood: "Here Is A Hot Dildo On A Stick, Are You Not Entertained?"

Con: And then things spiral wildly out of control. Hoyt and his lady continue to argue. Jason gets two photo texts (ha!) of Vampire Jessica and the little fairy bound and gagged from Vampire Violet with the message "You might want to hurry ;)" (double ha!). This is all happening at once. Why? So when Hoyt's girlfriend gets inside the police car of a man she just met and DEMANDS he take her on his dangerous "police business," we don't doubt it. But we do doubt it, because this is fucking ridiculous. How is this an acceptable plot? We know that Hoyt has to save Jessica, but this is how we get them in the same room? By having this random character literally demand they be involved in the next scene?

Pro: Eric and Pam look cool again.

True Blood: "Here Is A Hot Dildo On A Stick, Are You Not Entertained?"

Pro: Yakuza Cowboy tells Pam and Eric that they're not going to sell a cure to Hep-V from Sarah Newlin's blood, but a version of the cure that vampires will have to buy forever. Something, something, political conspiracy theorist metaphor, you guys.

Pro: Jason heads to Vampire Violet's house to save the day and she totally made a playlist for her torture scene. And the music is all old-timey chanting and I love it.

Pro: Here comes the Violet Rampage—and this vampire has a plan. And it's a pretty elaborate plan at that. She's got props and a torture order and everything, including a breast ripper (to rip breasts off) and a red hot dick that she plans to rape Jessica with over and over, which is really just terrible.

Maybe it's because I've been watching this show for close to a decade, but when Violet pulled out the burning hot dildo, I couldn't help but think, "Wow, haven't they done this before?" (They haven't.) So.... yeah, maybe now is a good time for this show to end. When your audience is speculating that this isn't the first dildo fire poker you've seen on this series (even when it is).

True Blood: "Here Is A Hot Dildo On A Stick, Are You Not Entertained?"

Pro: But alas, Violet's horrible plans were dashed because she falls for the classic villain faux pas: MONOLOGUING. In the midst of her anger and "here's my weird shit" show-and-tell session, she's shot, by Hoyt. Because his girlfriend followed Jason, for reasons.

True Blood: "Here Is A Hot Dildo On A Stick, Are You Not Entertained?"

Con: Violet meets the true death. I liked her.

Pro: Violet's cheetah print cape/bustier outfit was sensational.

Pro: So even though getting Hoyt in the sex room was weird, Jessica and Hoyt are now reunited. Sort of. And Jessica is all: whaaaaaa, weird hey! And I'm all: GGGGGAAAAAAAAAAH GARGLE CACK SCREAM KISSSSSS!

Con: But they don't kiss.

Pro: Eric all healed and shows up at Bill's house to tell Sookie, "Nice robe." It's great.

True Blood: "Here Is A Hot Dildo On A Stick, Are You Not Entertained?"

Pro: Sookie tells Eric that Bill is dying. Part of me is thinking that Vampire Eric is thinking, "If Bill dies, this can work out with us." Eric tells Sookie to stay put.

Con: Naturally, Sookie drives right over to Fangtasia to fuck everything up for everyone.

Pro: Jason and Jessica have a very real conversation about their very complicated relationship. It's the most honest conversation to ever happen in the last two years of True Blood. "Can I be real honest with you? I actually feel like our relationship is one of the least complicated in my life." They're talking about sex. This is also great closure for these two.

True Blood: "Here Is A Hot Dildo On A Stick, Are You Not Entertained?"

Pro: When we cut to Fangtasia, you can hear Pam complaining about the TruBlood bottles. "I hate those bottles. Let's talk microwavable cans." OH, PAM.

Pro: Sookie shows up at Fangtasia, OF COURSE *EYE ROLL*. Eric calls Sookie a "fangbanger." Everyone says fangbanger 1,000 times, it's great. Pam has a shit-eating grin on the size of Texas.

Pro: Eric pretends to glamour Sookie (she can't be glamoured). This is the second time they've used that glamour shtick, but it's still so good.

True Blood: "Here Is A Hot Dildo On A Stick, Are You Not Entertained?"

Pro: One last pro for Sookie totally committing to the glamour shtick and daydream stumbling out the door.

Pro: Hoyt and Jason have a beer and Hoyt talks about Jessica for most of the time and I am just now fully screaming at the television. HOYT STILL LOVES YOU, JESSICA. CAN YOU HEAR ME? THEY ARE STILL IN LOVE, TELEVISION. LOVE! THIS IS REAL LOVE LIKE IN A SONNET, TELEVISION. HELLO.

Pro: Hoyt directly addresses the True Blood f0lk that turned him into a murderous, vampire-hating goth for a hot minute, "When a good thing gets destroyed, that's the definition of unfair to me." This is your chance to make it right, people.

Con: Sookie narrowly escapes getting murdered in Fangtasia, turns around and goes right back. Of course she does.

Pro: Hoyt goes to Jessica's house to give her his blood, which is weird and gross, but by True Blood standards, that's a nice gift. Also watching him write on a note reminds me of the time he wrote "MONSTER" on the box of Jessica's shit. Aww, that was terrible. But this is great.

Con/Pro: I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE THIS.

True Blood: "Here Is A Hot Dildo On A Stick, Are You Not Entertained?"

OH MY GOD WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO KISS AGAIN, JESUS!

Pro: I just realized Sookie has been driving around in Alcide's truck. Ugh. Poor Alcide. Sookie finds Sarah Newlin in the basement of Fangtasia, brings Bill.

Con: Bill shows up and takes teeny, tiny baby steps towards Sarah Newlin. Now I'm furious. MOVE, you horrendous flopsy headed vampire.

Con: OH GOD DAMMIT, BILL.

True Blood: "Here Is A Hot Dildo On A Stick, Are You Not Entertained?"

Bill decides to complicate everything. Rejects the cure, solidifies his position as THE WORST. This all probably because he had a dream that Sookie gave birth to the Lost smoke monster (wrong show, guys). Also because he doesn't have a human heart, so fuck his love Sookie and his progeny Jessica, slow and steady death for Bill, please!

That being said, we kind of need Bill to be the worst. Don't we?

And that is that. There is no doubt that True Blood is trying to tie up as many dangling plots as they can. Jessica and Jason, done. Lafayette and Tara and her moms, done. Now we still have to wrap up the vampire love triangle of Sookie, Eric and Bill. And of course the most important relationship in the world, Hoyt and Jessica. If this doesn't happen, I'm pretty sure I will try to jump into the TV and right this wrong.

And to answer the question in the headline, yes. Until next week!