True Blood serves up a plateful of Classic Eric. Bill still sucks.

I've grown accustomed to True Blood. Its smiles, its frowns, its ups, its downs are second nature to me now, like breathing out and breathing in. So even a not-so-great episode, such as last night's, is still entertaining. So let's get to the Pros/Cons. Spoilers ahead!


Pro: Not-fucking-around Eric the Vampire Viking Sex God who bathes in the blood of his sex victims is back. After (what felt like) 15,000 years of Baby Huey Eric, this cold scary "Jesus don't touch her there unless, you know, she's into it" Eric is back. It makes me blood-cry, shabby-Lorena-style happy. Remember Lorena? Now THAT was a good new character. Sigh.

[SOBER NOTE: I am not OK with all that. *Makes circle with outstretched palm.* It's scary and bad, etc., but I'm still glad Eric the Terrible is back]

True Blood serves up a plateful of Classic Eric. Bill still sucks.


Pro/Con? Meanwhile back at the Stackhouse fuck shack, Jason has a headache and appears to be in a lot of pain. Oh dear, does that mean he's finally turning into a were-panther? I don't know how to feel about this.

Con: The Fairy Grandfather King is completely surprised that Jason and Sookie are acting like total morons, running outside of the house and not being afraid of Warlow. LOL, I thought you said you've been watching these two for most of their lives? Have you not been paying attention for the last 20 years? Or even the last 5 days? These two kids are the Bartles & Jaymes of making poor life decisions.

Con: This whole fairy royalty thing. No, no, no.

Pro: Eric shows up at Fangtastia with the Governor's daughter. Tara actually shouts, "AW Hell Nah!" Ha. That said, Tara seems to be the only vampire making sense here. Glamor the girl, and send her back after you get what you need. Good idea, Tara! We're making progress with this character, people.

Con: Tara immediately loses my kudos when she bellows, "Pam, you just gonna roll over like that?" STAY OUT OF IT TARA.

Con: The "experiments" that the government is secretly running on vampires. For two weeks I've been trying very hard not to write "Vampire Holocaust." And now True Blood has taken that last shred of dignity away from me.

Pro: Steve Newlin is back, HOORAY! Great character, fun situation, love this confused vampire. Also snaps to True Blood for not feeling the need to use this storyline in the last two episodes. I'm seeing some form of restraint, as compared to the past "show every character in every episode" tradition. The wait is worth it, when you're dealing with characters like this.

True Blood serves up a plateful of Classic Eric. Bill still sucks.


Pro: Everything precious to Pam from Fangtasia is inside this small box? What could be in it? Is it just bottles of pink lipstick and nail polish? Clippings of Eric's old hair?

True Blood serves up a plateful of Classic Eric. Bill still sucks.


Pro: Eric tells Pam "it's just a bar" and Pam calls the blonde Adonis out. Someone please whip up a video of Eric gazing over his shoulders to the tune of "Way We Were" because that is what is happening inside my mind right now. SOB, The throne. Sad, sad, sad.

Pro: Catching up with Sam and Lala, and I'm not loving that Denise from Full House is back. I'm just not feeling this character (however I do love her rat-fink boyfriend's verbal vomit of "I'm her boyfriend!" This whole side plot appears to be some sort of ploy, so True Blood can thump its IMPORTANT HUMAN RIGHTS stick. Which it does, all the time.

No one is listening, True Blood. After the Fellowship of the Light any kind of subtle societal metaphor was lost to, "hey that's just like America, and that's sad." Perhaps the VUS (Vampire Unity Society) there is a new showrunner, after all. But who knows? I stopped seeing the light whispers for change in America the second a vampire ripped another vampire's head backwards, and thrusted into her deformed body. Not that, that's a bad thing. But, you know, it kind of takes away from the important supernatural rights campaign when every sex scene is trying to outdo the next. Vote for change, whilst I skull fuck this character!

Pro: "I'll bust you in your fucking face with this bottle. Now that's a threat. What I just gave you was some more than good advice." Classic Lafayette.


Con: Lafayette better get an ENTIRE EPISODE to himself because we are being ROBBED of quality Lala time.

Pro: ERASE.

True Blood serves up a plateful of Classic Eric. Bill still sucks.


Pro: Eric takes up Ginger on her invitation for a sleep over! Hooray for Ginger having the balls to request that. We always took her for a little scared thing. You go, girl.

Pro: This whole conversation: "Does this mean we're not fucking?" "Sadly, Ginger, No, We will not be fucking on this occasion. However, the night will come when we do. This I promise you."

True Blood serves up a plateful of Classic Eric. Bill still sucks.


I have so many emotions about this convo. First of all, NOT COOL ERIC. Not cool, not cool at all. Second, did anyone else immediately think of the very last episode of this series? Picture a wedding on the sex lawn of Stackhouse manor. Sookie is marrying some terrible were-parrot creature with far too much man-jewelry on. Together they dance on the gooey remains of Bill Compton and laugh. Meanwhile in the trees, it's Vampire Eric. He winks at the camera and flies off into the sky. But wait, that's not all, at the end of the credits Eric lands on the doorstep of someone's house. He knocks on the door, Ginger answers with a what-do-you-want-look. "Tonight's the night," he says. Ginger smiles. End scene.

Pro: Ginger's house is absolutely covered in Vampire crap.

True Blood serves up a plateful of Classic Eric. Bill still sucks.


Pro: Eric's entire delivery of "The GIIIIRLS is sleeping with me as I do Not Trust You Not. To. Kill. HER!" line and coordinating eye bulge. Actually the entire collection of dialogue in Ginger's home felt like old-school True Blood.

Pro: This episode has kind of been a downer so far, up until this moment. Bill "Lilith's prophet" feels immortal, so then he decides to test this new-found strength by meeting the sun. CAN'T STOP LAUGHING.

True Blood serves up a plateful of Classic Eric. Bill still sucks.


Pro: It doesn't stop! Bill is cry weeping, "why" over and over again and I am on the floor hoping I can make it to the bathroom, laughing so hard.

True Blood serves up a plateful of Classic Eric. Bill still sucks.

I really hope, and think, that True Blood and I are on the same page with this ridiculousness.


Con: Blah blah fairy circus is dead. Blah, blah magic blood. Blah blah Ben is clearly Warlow.

True Blood serves up a plateful of Classic Eric. Bill still sucks.


Pro: Jason and Sookie reconnect in Sookie's big pink bed. It's been awhile since we had a genuine character moment. Jason asks Sookie to push on his pressure point to make him feel better, and it's very sweet.

Pro: Zap boom bang, now we're in the police station with Andy. His girls are growing up even more.

Pro: For Andy naming them 1,2,3 and 4 (but he still calls them sweet pea).

Pro: To the return of Andy's little deputy buddy

Pro: And a 'pro' to FUCKIN' SCIENCE. We're right there with you. Con, to Holly showing up — but I guess if she makes Andy happy, that's OK with me.

Con: Heeeey new The Worst, formerly known as Hey Alcide. It's time to catch up with the werewolf folk, who all appear to live in the cabins we rented for Girl Scouts. Complete with bunk beds. Jesus, the werewolves have done lost their damn minds. When did Alcide and his new girlfriend become crazy people? Would it have been that hard for them to tell the police, "Hey Luna dropped off her kid with her grandmother yesterday and asked us to watch her for the next few weeks?" Child services aren't just going to hand over an orphaned child to a recently acquired boyfriend. What part of shifting into a wolf means you lose all basic common sense? Why does everyone who is a werewolf suddenly suck now? This is terrible.

Pro: The best thing about True Blood is there is now a show that exists that can cut to an owl, and we all know, that's not some regular boring owl. That's a MAGIC owl. A Sam Owl.

True Blood serves up a plateful of Classic Eric. Bill still sucks.


Pro: Andy yells at his fairy kids, "Hand lasers off!" So cute, can we get a web series that's just Andy and his girls?

Pro: The entire coffin talk scene. Eric is trying to go to sleep and the child he kidnapped shows her fang banger stripes. So much love for this exchange from from the way she tries to wake up Eric with, "Mister, Mister." To Eric's correction that there's only ONE Fangtastia and her retort, "TOTALLY." It's all good here. Which, thank heavens because the actual plot of this episode is mostly centered around glimpses of old characters and watching Bill set himself on fire with stupidity.

True Blood serves up a plateful of Classic Eric. Bill still sucks.


Con: She tries to eat Eric's ear blood. Gross. Girl, you are doing sexy wrong.

Pro: Bill tells Jessica she should "wear something inappropriate." Makes this face. This must be Bill's *winky wink, wink* face. It's terrible.

True Blood serves up a plateful of Classic Eric. Bill still sucks.


Pro: The whole storyline is just a ploy to get lady vampire Jessica in this outfit.

True Blood serves up a plateful of Classic Eric. Bill still sucks.


Ladies and gentleman, I give you the costume to beat this halloween. Feel free to leave a bunch of obnoxious spit take gifs in the comments. Just gorgeous.

Pro: The bitch is back! Ooooh Mrs. Newlin is back and you'd better believe she's pissed. Looks like her hair is bigger (more political) and she's a lot angrier than before, mostly about the money Steve blew. Very excited to have this lady back, looking forward to plenty of fun times between the former Mrs. and New Vampirized Reverend.

True Blood serves up a plateful of Classic Eric. Bill still sucks.


Pro: Jessica's "Oh You May!" response to the professor's question.

Con: Bill shows up to Sookie's place and demands her blood — to save the life of her vampire friends, of course. The whole time he's acting like the cat that fucked the canary. It's awful. No wonder Sookie is trepidatious that Billith is storming into her house, demanding her blood.

Pro: Plate throwing gif.

Con: Bill tells Sookie she's dead to him — this is news? Haven't these two been dead to each other for years? What an empty threat. I give it two fairy blasts and a pina colada these two will be back to making fuck you eyes in a second.

Pro: VUS shows up to the werewolf camp, the werewolves decide to KILL THEM ALL. Which is a very normal response. While I like that the VUS has been shut down, and hard. I'm not a huge fan of what this storyline has done to Alcide. In fact, I think Alcide's Dad the T-1000, sums up all of our feelings about what has happened walking Men's Health cover model.

True Blood serves up a plateful of Classic Eric. Bill still sucks.

Agree agree agree agree agree agree agree.

Gif via marvelandwhimsy


Con: Sam sees this blood show as an opportunity to save Luna's daughter. Sweeps into her room totally naked. YIKES PUT THAT SHIT AWAY! Later on, Sam finds some pants, thank Christ, and tries to run off with the kid. Question, why doesn't Sam just turn into a horse and carry her and Denise from Full House away?

Con: Tara runs away with the Governor's daughter, dammit Tara you made a very important step forward this episode. Now two steps back. Dammit.

Con: Eric's phone is untraceable, cue the sill CSI guy on a lap top while the computer makes *dee dee dee dee dee dee* noises thus signifying the actual TRACING of the untraceable phone. MOVIE MAGIC.

True Blood serves up a plateful of Classic Eric. Bill still sucks.

Pro: Eric conducts this entire phone conversation on speaker phone walking around the room ogling Ginger's shit. Like important people do on the phone. BUY, SELL, cancel that appointment, TAMMY *winks*.

Con: The episode ends with more Sookie and Ben time — so we're all resolved that Ben is 100% Warlow, right?

Con/Pro: Jason is definitely turning into a were-panther. Still not sure how to feel about this.

Con: Bill's going to eat Andy's kids. Is super duper sly about it.

Pro: Andy calls Vampire Bill, "Vampire Bill" the entire conversation.

And that's it. Overall that was an episode of True Blood swiftly to be forgotten the first time Eric has sex with something this season. Meanwhile enjoy this True Blood cartoon which is almost as good as Jessica's outfit.

True Blood serves up a plateful of Classic Eric. Bill still sucks.

Illustration by Andrew Brozyna.