True Blood teaches us how to have Dirty Dancing vampire sex!

One character died and a bunch of other characters had sex (OK, the second part isn't that surprising for True Blood) but still, why did it feel like nothing happened last night? Is this what a vampire treading water looks like?

Pro: Jason's ACTIIIIIIING! He's so adorable when he's pretending to be normal.

True Blood teaches us how to have Dirty Dancing vampire sex!

Pro: Vampire MIRROR!

True Blood teaches us how to have Dirty Dancing vampire sex!

Pro: Eric and Nora escape Vampire Prison by hiding under the True Blood fan — classic prison escape capers here. But hold the phone, did Eric just mimic the random security guard's voice to get the car to take off? Is this a NEW supernatural power, or have I just pushed it out of my brain thanks to fairy genitalia glowing? There is just no more room for new random vamp powers. HOWEVER, if this is a real power. I demand they do at least one "What's wrong with wolfie?" gag.

Con: Are we supposed to be taking this random hand in the pocket seriously? Wouldn't their jackets be just doused in hand blood? Why isn't this thing just bleeding all over them?

True Blood teaches us how to have Dirty Dancing vampire sex!

Pro: Pam is doing yoga in her cell, now I know that Pam does yoga. Just one more thing we can do together on our future Best Friends Date! Which totally doesn't have to end with a making out, for a little while.

Con: Willa informs Pam not to drink the Hep V infected True Blood, and then proceeds to tell Pam to cool it with the attitude. WOAH WOAH WOAH HEY WOAH WOAH. WOAH. That's enough of that lady.

Pro: Happy to see the Vampire Prison hasn't been skimping on the Vampire Cosmetics. This is not a complaint. Pam looks fabulous.

Con: Eric flees to Vampire Bill's house and begs him to save Nora's life from VAMPIRE HEPATITIS. Nora will now die. As is the True Blood code: Whenever you ask Bill for help, he will do the opposite.

Pro: Ex Sarah Newlin comes home to the Governor's house, to find him beheaded. Does what any normal person does and kisses the severed head of her loved one. Just totally normal stuff here.

Pro: Thank you for this image, True Blood. Thank you.

True Blood teaches us how to have Dirty Dancing vampire sex!

Pro: Sarah's power dress is very, very good. I feel like I've seen a real-life Governor's wife IN this very dress. Sarah calls in another Senator to do her dirty work, whom she obviously has dirt on (hello, Mr. Aid Man). So does this set up Sarah as Season Six's new big bad?

Con: Sookie and Warlow wallow in their after light genital sex-glow. Sookie is in that awkward, unavoidable "whole shoulder in a guys arm pit" pose that just kind of sucks, especially in the summer. I can't imagine the summer in Louisiana is any less humid and gross. But who? Knows maybe fairies don't smell like hot ass after swamp sex.

Con: "This is a First. Waking up with a man in broad day light." "You just wrote our wedding vows." WORST WEDDING VOWS EVER.

True Blood teaches us how to have Dirty Dancing vampire sex!

Pro: MOTHER OF TWINS, EVERYBODY. I've said it before and I will say it again, Sookie is built like a brick shit house. It's impressive. In other news, one of Warlow's nipples looks like it could be an innie.

Con: Warlow says the Sookie is "aMEANable" to his proposal. Sookie also says "a-MEAN-able." Is this how this word is pronounced? Have I been saying it wrong for the (maybe) 2 years I've known the word aMENable?

Con: Sookie hears Arlene crying in the grave yard, because Terry (BOOOOO) died last episode… So… why is she in the graveyard? Surely he's not buried yet? Shouldn't someone be watching her? Okay, I heard her say "this grass wasn't meant to be dug up yet?" So was it?

True Blood teaches us how to have Dirty Dancing vampire sex!

Con: I feel bad for Arlene, simply for the "I got a glimmer of what it was going to be like." You cold, True Blood.

Con: Sam calls home. GUYS, WE DON'T NEED TO SEE WHAT ALL THE CHARACTERS ARE DOING ALL OF THE TIME.

Con: Arlene calls Lala a VooDoo Queer. Those words hurt, Arlene. There is still not enough Lafayette on this season. Not NEARLY enough. How about no Sam and no Alcide for a whole episode, and instead it's just 50 minutes of super-high craft time with Lafayette?

Con: Jason is finally nice to Jessica again, and all she wants to do is see Vampire James. This makes me sad all over. I can get on board with Jessica believing she belongs in a cage (because she ate all those baby fairies) but I guess I'm not really connecting the dots on the "you showed me compassion get inside me" impulse. Then again, Jessica is still going through some sort of sexual awakening, but I dunno. It all feels very, very forced for the EXCEEDINGLY HOT vampire sex. Which again, WHOOO NELLY, that's a pro. But overall I'm not there yet with these two. I think I'm secretly hoping that Hoyt will come back.

Con: Sam has shower sex. It's terrible.

Con: Terry took out life insurance on his planned suicide/murder. This does not help. What about Felix? Miss you already, Terry.

Con: Hey Alcide, you seem normal again, but I'm not sure. Something something goodbye T-1000 yada, yada LONE WOLF TALK. The leader of the pack has a lot of work to do to win back our love. Remember when Sookie puked on him? Good times.

Con: Meeting some rando characters, Mom? Yeah, that won't be important later.

True Blood teaches us how to have Dirty Dancing vampire sex!

Pro: OK, I've been thinking longer about the James and Jessica sex, maybe she's trying to bone the pain away? Which, OK. Jessica is certain she's going to die, so why not one last hurrah? Knowing Vampire Humanity before you leave the world for the true death? This I can live with. And again, the Vampire James sex is very very sexy. Even though we were subjected to yet ANOTHER Vampire Conference room meeting.

True Blood teaches us how to have Dirty Dancing vampire sex!

Pro: Another pro to James for Dirty Dancing lifting Jessica before the actual act of sex. Quick break to play the Silvia And Mickey lip synching clip.

Con: Bill catches up Eric on stuff we already know, humph. So much time chatting about stiff we already know! OH well at least these two are buddies again. Remember when they ran into each other shopping for Jessica's clothes? Fun times.

Pro: Back to Arlene, who is now rip-roaring drunk. OK, now that makes sense.

Con: Holly's boys look like trouble. Stay away from Andy's fairy baby!

Pro: Vampire Bill shows up IN THE DAYLIGHT to the house of the man whose daughters (his daughter) just murdered. That takes Vampire Balls, Bill. This is a fantastic moment.

Pro: This moment can only be topped by Arlene's face when Bill touches her. Ha.

True Blood teaches us how to have Dirty Dancing vampire sex!

Pro: Anyone else catch "Aunt Portia" swiftly running away from Bill?

Con: BILL MAKES ANDY SHAKE HIS HAND. YOU ARE SUCH A DICK VAMPIRE BILL. HISSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Con: Pam seduces her shrink. It's unnecessarily graphic. "How deep do you want to go?" "Deep." NO. PASS. HARD PASS.

True Blood teaches us how to have Dirty Dancing vampire sex!


Con: Sarah turns the tables on Jason. Kind of sad to see this little game end. I liked them when they had to be pretend nice to each other.

Pro: Sarah throws Jason into Female Gen Pop, all bloody. Uh oh Jason! Kind of love that she didn't throw him in Male Gen Pop. Ex-Mrs. Newlin holds a grudge.

Con: Alcide returns to his pack of werewolves who like to stand very aggressively.

Con: Surprise! The Mom of Denise from Full House (that we just met) is now captured by the werewolves, womp womp. Does this mean this storyline is just rebooted straight to hell? Can't we let it die?

Pro: HISTORICAL VAMPIRE FLASHBACK. London 1665, when Eric met Nora, and Eric had long, luscious hot-iron curled hair. Eric was the personal vampire to some sort of sex king. Which means Eric got to wear frilly collars and shake his blonde mane about. Eric is sent to fetch the King's favorite lady sex partner who has been helping people with the plague because of course that's what she's doing. When Eric finds her, she's dying of said plague. But instead of taking Eric up on his offer to die in a nice place owned by the King, Nora demands that HER DEATH BE HER OWN. Because of course she does. He finds this brave because of course he does and it's all just so historically precious I could just die.

True Blood teaches us how to have Dirty Dancing vampire sex!

Pro: This moment is only eclipsed by the presence of the Historical Plague Masks. Important Historical Masks Convey Important Research Completed for the Vampire Hump Show.

True Blood teaches us how to have Dirty Dancing vampire sex!

Con: Nora dies and Eric is sad, and it makes me sad like when you put a new puppy in a crate at bedtime.

Pro: No matter how many vampire deaths we witness on this series, the visceral goo transformation is and always will be the most graphically vampire exit in the history of the world. Perhaps the very best part of it all is the absolute finality of it. There is no coming back from goo, none. Pair that with the indignity of taking a timeless creature who prides itself on weirdo vampire traditions and looking good while thrusting, and turning it into that shitty Christmas Jell-O with fruit bits, and you have pretty scary exit. Fare-thee-well Nora, you were a tolerable creature that I liked to watch Eric have sex with. You were also very pretty, and the creator of "high hands" which perfectly encapsulates everything that was last season. You will be missed?

True Blood teaches us how to have Dirty Dancing vampire sex!

Overall it felt like nothing much happened, even though a great deal did. Is that bad?