True Blood's Second To Last Episode Remembers Great Love And Weird Sex

What a weird, weird, weird episode of True Blood. This is the second to last episode of True Blood ever and there was so much good, and so much wah-wah Vampire Bill. But that's OK, because love returned and now we are all alive again.

Let's talk about it Pro/Con Style

Con: Just in case you forgot, Vampire Bill Compton shows up in the basement of Fangtasia to remind everyone that he is the worst. Vampire Bill has decided to not take his meds and to embrace the True Death.

Pro: Sookie And Jessica are PISSSED! Understandably.

Con: Vampire Bill pushes "the worst" factor even further. Says "You're right [PAUSE FOR DICKISHNESS] I am making a choice… I'm choosing the True Death." This is like toddler mentality joke bad.

True Blood's Second To Last Episode Remembers Great Love And Weird Sex

Con: The Dick Parade Continues! Jessica demands that Bill "release her" (good for you, girl!) and Bill agrees, but makes sure to start off this very painful vampire act by reminding Jessica that he never really wanted her in the first place, "Jessicuh as I know-ah you know-ah, I never wanted to make you a vamPIRE. Turning you into a vamPIRE was a pun-ish-meant. But I'm so proud of the vamPIRE you are now-ah. So great that I'm choosing True Death rather than continue mah duties as your vamPIRE father. I bequeath you an office full of shitty, Middle Aged Crisis Dad artwork."

Pro: Together, we are all making this gesture.

Pro: Pam saves the day by both comforting and sassing Baby Jessica.

Con: This is the second to last titles. *Breathes into paper bag*

Con: We should go to Sam Merlotte's house now. For reasons.

True Blood's Second To Last Episode Remembers Great Love And Weird Sex

Pro: A character makes a correct decision on True Blood. OK then, goodbye Sam. This was a weird way for you to go, but we guess you've always been a pretty descent fella. So we're happy to see you follow your bliss away from the town filled with murder. Probably for the best.

Pro: Also, according to Sam's letter, "Nicole and I would love to have you out after the baby is born." Not before. Never before.

Pro: Back to Merlotte's or Bellefleur's or whatever, Arlene makes this face. It's great.

True Blood's Second To Last Episode Remembers Great Love And Weird Sex

Arlene has officially become the best in Bon Temps which is great and weird considering where she started. I love her new "field of dreams" business plan, which is also her new outlook on life. Fake it till you make it, or whatever. Optimism and alcohol (if I had a tattoo, it would probably those two words written in tattoo script across my collar bones).

Pro: Lafayette and James are already full-on BF and BF. Holding hands and hanging all the time, and sometimes James wears Lafayette's shirts because it smells like him and takes money out of his wallet because what's yours is mine, right? Normal relationship stuff. Naturally, Jessica feels weird when she sees the new couple inside the bar, but handles it in a "look there's only one more episode after this and fans would probably like it if we all stopped acting like dick hats for a little bit." Then she claps her hands three times, waves her palms and screams I ABSOLVE YOU OF ALL PLOT-RELATED RESPONSIBILITIES VAMPIRE JAMES.

Con: However, I can't help but shake that this may be the end for Lafayette as far as our time with him, a thing I'm not fully ready to digest as a human adult. I need more of him. So much more. This can't be the end. Uuuuuuuuuuuugh, this is torture.

Pro: In other news, I've named this outfit "lips."

True Blood's Second To Last Episode Remembers Great Love And Weird Sex

Con: RIP, TERRY. SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB.

True Blood's Second To Last Episode Remembers Great Love And Weird Sex

Pro: Andy's letter from Sam is two sentences. Aw. This kind of reminds me of old Andy, when everyone just kind of shit on him and kicked him around. He was a bit of a dick too, until that whole dance off or something. Now look at him, that's growth. Hell, he even called Sookie "sweetheart" and it felt genuine, not condescending. All I'm saying is Andy should be the new mayor, right? Right. I hereby nominate Andy Bellefleur for mayor, mainly because he won't leave when things get rough.

Pro: Jessica gets a look on her face. OOOOOOOOOH MYYYYYY GOOOOOD.

True Blood's Second To Last Episode Remembers Great Love And Weird Sex


Con: And now let's go ahead and deal with the worst part of Hoyt and Jessica reconnecting, Bridgette. This was an unfair hand dealt to a new character that we, frankly, didn't need to see. There was no reason to inflict this sort of dicey treatment on Bridgette, who by all accounts seems like a nice person who just wants to marry America's Boyfriend and have his babies. BRIDGETTE, WE FEEL YOU. However, what will not stand is the way in which Hoyt treats her. He yells at her for no reason for making a completely innocuous comment about future kids (a normal thing for couples to feel out) and then berates her, eye rolls at her, grunts and growls and hisses at this perfectly nice person who is not a siren or a werewolf or even a weretiger. She is, as Jason says earlier, just someone who fell in love with the wrong person. Hey, True Blood, we already did this! Remember Biscuits? Wonderful, heartbreaking Biscuits who waved her baked goods and Earthly woman wares at Hoyt screaming the scream we've all yowled one night in out lives to just, "LOVE ME, PLEASE LOVE ME"? This was done very, very well many seasons ago. It not only demonstrated the problems with breaking up and moving on, but it provided a little window into the lives of those who become collateral damage in destroyed relationships. How many women must Hoyt treat like crap to demonstrate he belongs with Jessica? This is what really burns me up about this reunion. We didn't need Hoyt to come back with a girlfriend he could humiliate and later teach Jason a lesson about being a grownup; he just needed to come back. It's like coming back from your 10-year reunion only to find out your big high school crush has tuned some kind of misogynist monster.

It's hard to watch. Isn't wiping Hoyt's brain, murdering his terrible Mother and hurting Biscuit's feelings enough already? Why did we have to go and get this Bridgette involved as well? Oh right, for Jason, because heaven forbid we teach people that being alone is OK.

True Blood's Second To Last Episode Remembers Great Love And Weird Sex

Pro: OK. Now that I've said my piece, OMG Baby Vampire Jessica totally just Say Anything-ed Hoyt in the weirdest fashion ever! The entire time Jessica shows up, I was just standing up and absolutely screaming at the TV, "OH MY GOD, SHE'S GOING TO TELL HIM. TELEVISION! DO YOU SEE THIS, TELEVISION? MAGIC AND WONDER AND SHUT UP! EVERYONE SHUT UP!!!"

Pro: Jessica's delivery of this line cut me soooooo deep, "You and me we used to be… together. Live together, and we were so, so happy. And I went and fucked it up." This is absolutely some of Deborah Ann Woll's best work since the "what are you doing with that girl" scene at Merlotte's. Jessica fights for Hoyt, right in front of his lady… and Hoyt choses Jessica, proving that these two are a Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind power couple and not even magic can keep them apart. They're meant to be, it's beh shayrt. It's written in the stars. And it's lovely. Bridgette needed to go, for love and magic and AMERICA. My heart, my heart, it sings for these two reconnecting.

Con: Back at Merlotte's, everyone is having dinner together and being super rude about the free meal of dirty rice Big John cooked everyone. Hey everybody, shut the fuck up about your free dinner! While everyone is getting ready to eat, Sookie is sitting alone at the bar. Alone while all of her friends sit together. Sookie has become the new Bill.

Con: Arlene gives Sookie yet another pep talk. I'm not sure this is how I want to be spending my last episodes of True Blood.

Pro: Cut to Vampire Bill's house. Vampire Eric is telling Bill the Hep-V is messing with his will to live and it's natural. Bill tut-tuts Eric and tells him he had a dream and saw Sookie holding a baby noid, which is a fate worth more than an eternity together, so he's going to kill himself.

True Blood's Second To Last Episode Remembers Great Love And Weird Sex

Or maybe he said void? Yeah maybe it was a void. I'm going to be real, I kind of zoned out for most of this. I prefer my Vampire Eric being a lot more like Eric and a lot less listening to Bill yammer on about his suicide plan. Bottom line is Vampire Bill is so selfish he's going to cause Sookie to blame herself for the rest of her life for killing the vampire she loves. Hey, at least no flashbacks.

Con: Bridgette calls Jason to come and get her from Hoyt's house, because of course she does. And of course he comes, and of course Hoyt knocks him out all so Bridgette can wind up back at Jason's house because Oh Jesus, Jason is going to fuck Hoyt's new girlfriend.

Pro: Pam decides to bring Sarah Newlin back to blonde. Shout-out to Eric's first highlights (on the show)!

True Blood's Second To Last Episode Remembers Great Love And Weird Sex

Pro/Con: Eric flies around a lot (shout out to the book covers?). Eh, I'll take any Eric I can get. Even if it's him trying to convince Sookie to let Bill "CALL ON HER." Eyes roll into the back of my head so far I can see better seasons of this show.

Pro: Aw, this old shirt.

True Blood's Second To Last Episode Remembers Great Love And Weird Sex

Pro: Jason says, "Thank you for using Delta" $$$$$.

Pro: Hoyt and Jessica get a chance to talk. It's mostly Jessica explaining to Hoyt (us) why she wants to be back with him (not Jason). I get why they are doing this. Plus, more time with these two together is hot and beautiful and just a little bit weird because they are both a lot different than the young couple who lost their virginity together in a vampire hotel room. And that's OK, that's life. People change. But I'll be real when Jessica flipped out her fangs and healed Hoyt I went full:

True Blood's Second To Last Episode Remembers Great Love And Weird Sex

Pro: Bridgette cannot sleep, so Jason tells "The Story of Hoyt and Jessica." I'm not sure why; anyone who is still watching this show at this point knows this story only too well. And Jason is a fairly inappropriate narrator. However, if you look at it this way maybe this is Jason showing personal growth. Maybe Jason is realizing that some people have soul mates and we're not all skin sacks for him to stick his penis in, then he's growing. And I would believe that, but I remember when he fell in love the first season with his V-Juice girlfriend. So I know he knows love. But that's OK, I'll let this be Jason's moment. If there ever was a person who needed to know about love and not having sex, it's Jason. So he tells the full love story of the Baby Vampire and America's Boyfriend and center's it mostly around him being broken. So Bridgette fixes him, by teaching him how to experience real intimacy.

Pro: Meanwhile, Hoyt and Jessica get so very very very very naked and reconnect True Blood style. If you thought these two were going to share a kiss over a birthday cake Sixteen Candles-style, you are so totally wrong. They have hot wild, non-boob showing sex, because this is True Blood! Because getting naked and having an on-screen climax to the sound of a '90s fantasy soundtrack (which also seemed to peak with the couple) is exactly the same as Jack and Rose on the Titanic or the two dogs eating a plate of spaghetti from Lady and the Tramp, or Spider-Man upside down kissing. It's hilarious because of course they reconnect with their downstairs parts. What show have you been watching for the last 1,000 years?

True Blood's Second To Last Episode Remembers Great Love And Weird Sex

Pro: And speaking of people finally getting it on, Ginger and Eric finally "fuck" and it is the strangest, weirdest most wonderfully awkward thing I've ever seen. Even the delivery is off-the-wall bananas. Eric and Ginger say fuck 300 times, circle each other like cats in heat, then Ginger straddles Eric and (as I probably should have seen coming) climaxes way too early from too many years of waiting. Poor Ginger, but hey she seemed happy. And if she's happy, we're happy.

True Blood's Second To Last Episode Remembers Great Love And Weird Sex

Pro: Eric stands over Ginger and asks if she's going to be OK. He seems genuinely concerned. It only makes the whole thing weirder.

Con: True Blood threatens Pam and I threaten to throw this computer against the wall. She lives, but Sookie is probably fucked.

Sounds like the big finale will be Sookie and Bill the last gasp, and a bunch of people trying to kill Sookie. So more of the same. OK, fine.