In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest

I am NOT HAPPY about last night's True Blood. SO not happy. But I don't want to spoil it all right now, so let me explain what happened pro/con style.

Pro: Surprise, Sarah Newlin is back! Sure, OK, says the rest of the nation. I mean, I like the Ex-Mrs. Newlin, and I love the actress who plays her with such fervent insanity. She's great, so great.

In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest

Con: That being said... still a little bummed they killed Steve Newlin.

Con/Pro: We pick up right where we left off. Pam has found Eric, and he is (sort of) alive. Clearly he's suffering from Hep-V. That is unfortunate.

Con: Even more unfortunate? This conversation. The only way I can properly illustrate my distaste for Eric's "wah-wah, I'm giving up life" attitude is through Wet Hot American Summer gifs.

In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest

Pam: How long? ... Eric?

Eric: Can you repeat the question?

In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest

Pam: How long have you been sick?

Eric: Saw the first signs last month...I didn't know you were going to come looking for me... Congratulations, Pam, you outwitted me. But only because I'm not well.

In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest

Pam: Tara met the true death. I felt it last night. She was my progeny, Eric. You're not going to say anything?

Eric: Did you play the bucket game? I like the bucket game.

Pam: What is wrong with you? You are Eric Fucking Northman. You don't give up—you fight.

Eric: Fight's over, Pam.

In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest

Eric. Stop. Please. I am full up on man babies looking for sympathy by running away and pouting.

Pro: The one positive thing to come out of this conversation (besides knowing that the bucket game is called "the bucket game" *widens eyes and stares directly at person in charge of naming the bucket game*): now we know that Tara is, unquestionably, dead. Pam says she felt Tara meet the True Death. So, the end. Game over. Fingers crossed we can stop crucifying her in her mother's V-Juice fever dreams, because, really?

Pro: And now, a historical vampire flashback back to '80s hair, French-speaking Eric. Ah! Sweet Mystery of Life, At Last I've Found Thee!

In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest

Pro: Historical Vampire Eric picks a grape. I think I just got pregnant.

Con: More characters! Hi, Sylvie. Apparently this is the person Pam mentioned earlier amongst the litany of people Eric has lost that he loves. Still a new character for no reason.

Pro: Eric is pulling at new human character Sylvie's clothes and smiling. His hair is all big. Is this the "devil may care Eric?"

Pro: Whoa! Surprise Nan Flanagan! And still rocking the Rhythm Nation look.

In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest

Now this is the kind of character revisiting I want in a series finale. Nan is amazing, love her.

Pro: This hair. You guys.

In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest

Pro: "Sylvie wants to finish university?" "She wants to what?" Amazing exchange and delivery between Pam and Eric. These two feed off each other so well. And I love Eric's cat who ate the canary face when he says, "She's studying art history!" Oh this smug shit, things are not going to go well for Sylvie. Meanwhile, Pam's fabulous left eyebrow is getting such a workout this episode.

Pro: HEEEEY, ALCIDE in a towel! And let me go ahead and answer that question for you, sweetie, no the steaks won't be thawed in time, because your girlfriend is a monster.

In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest

Con: Alcide changes from a towel into really big athletic pants. This house and guys in athletic bottoms—first Eric, now Alcide; let's stop with this. My kingdom for a tiny pair of The Talented Mr. Ripley trunks. Alcide realizes Sookie is not in the home, and bolts.

Question: what would you do if you saw a shirtless, 6'5'' jacked monster man running through the cemetery in the middle of the night in basketball pants and no shoes?

In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest

Pro: Werewolf kick!

In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest

Pro: Meanwhile, Bill and Sookie are driving in Bill's car somewhere. Wait, Bill has a car? I thought Bill just got naked, screamed and flew whenever he needed to get to from point A to point B. What kind of car do you think Bill drives? What do old Southern ladies drive? A Buick Enclave?

Con: Sookie and Bill reconnect and catch up. Sookie asks Bill, "So you're saying you got a clean slate? That you're not the same vampire that did all those horrible things to me?" Let me translate that for you. What Sookie is actually saying is, "Please tell me I can forgive you for all the really shitty things you did to me and the MANY times you almost killed me, because we need to end this series the way it started, full circle. Also, as a character, I have proved time and time again that I am inept at making any life decisions based on what is and what isn't a good idea."

So when Bill said, "I have to live with the memories of what I did to you forever." Sookie heard, "We can totally sex again."

Pro: In order to reconnect with Bill (and be under his full protection), Sookie must drink Bill's blood. So Sookie puts her lips to Bill's arm and starts drinking.This will never cease to gross me out. Bill makes fang boner noises, to which Sookie exclaims (with a mouth full of what I can only assume is vampire flesh and blood?), "I have a boyfriend." I laughed. Oh, I love this show.

Con: Look these kids are really cute, but I have no dog in this fight.

In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest

Con: Pause for the preacher and Mayor Sam to have a heart-to-heart about Pizza Forensics PART DEUX.

Con: Lettie Mae is back and still high off her vampire blood fix from her assigned vampire Willa. This seems like a waste of Willa. Also, this show has a hard time remembering that watching people get high is not as fun as getting high itself. Choosing to ignore this part.

Pro: After having a nice chat, Sam drives away with his assigned vampire, Vampire Matt. Vampire Matt is getting waaaaay too much screentime. Which can only mean goodbye Vampire Matt.

Con: Sam and Vampire Matt are stopped by all the townspeople of Bon Temps, blocking the road with their guns. Why don't they JUST STAY INSIDE THEIR HOMES? Got a vampire problem? Go inside during the night and close the doors. Do not answer the door for anyone, problem solved.

In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest

Con: LOL, they ALL have guns. Of course they ALL have guns.

Con: Sam tells Kenya (who I am enormously disappointed with right now because she was always a whole lot smarter than the usual Apple Dumpling Gang that ran the Bon Temps police force, but I guess that's all out the window now) that she's a cop and he's the Mayor and Kenya's new friend says, "Translation, you're black he's white." WHAT? No. Turn this car around, we're going home.

Con: Gun-crazy townspeople just straight up murder Vampire Matt. Womp-womp.

Pro: Sam turns into a bird and then every single person shoots at him. Imagine the direction on that scene: OK, you have all decided to overthrow the Bon Temps government, and now you all have guns. You get the great idea to all stand in darkness in the middle of an unlit road. This is to protect the city. Eventually you pull over the mayor, who then turns into a bird and we will ALL shoot at him. Got it? Good.

Pro: Horrifying Alligator Grandma photoshop makes a return in Jason's house! NIGHTMARES FOR EVERYONE TONIGHT! Anyone else think the return of the terrible, no-good, very bad Grandma photoshop was intentional? It feels like a warm, "Remember this terrible thing that we all laughed at but still put it on television that you have to pay for anyway?" shout-out to the days of True Blood past. Thank you for this.

In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest

Pro: Violet sits in her home with Jason and reads Elle Decor, she fancy. Also, is this a vampire-centric issue of Elle Decor. Does it say "brightening your cubby" on the front of the magazine? Is that magazine talk for coffin?

In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest

Pro: Jason wants to adopt a child with Violet. She then turns it around on him and tells him that he is a pussy. I kind of like Violet, in spite of her saying things like "iron forged cock."

Pro: "Jason and I are in a fight, so fuck off." Oh man we've all been there, right ladies?

Pro: Lafayette is giving himself a private fan dance—as one is wont to do when one is listening to "Get the Funk out of Ma Face."

In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest

Pro: This is a very good turban/hat.

Pro: Vampire Jerry and Lala bond over pills and flirt like mad. OK, we see where this is going—*points to nose then you.* We got you, TB.

Con: Ugh, and now we have to go back to the Hep-V plot line in Fangtasia. Can we all agree that this was way more fun without the band of vampires with indecipherable accents?

Pro: Sookie reveals her master plan: Vampire Bill will HIDE IN A TREE while she lures the Hep-V vamps to her. AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Pro: Sookie and Vampire Bill are flirting the way only exes can flirt. First, you start with a little reminiscing, then a little teasing, a little informational shame fishing—"If we're to be friends, Sookie, we should be able to talk about things like this?"—then the next thing you know, you're spilling all the details about your current relationship problems and holding secret hands in the laundry room.

Pro: For the first time, Sookie takes responsibility for her relationship. For better or for worse. Feels good to hear. Sookie just outright admits that Alcide loves her more than she loves him. We knew that the last time she drank a bunch of Jack and yelled at him, but I'm glad she's finally coming to terms with it.

Pro: It was nice to see Sooks and Bill just talking again. I missed Bill talking—like old Bill's weirdo make-believe Southern drawl. It's like if the owl from the "how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie roll pop" tried to do a Southern Accent.

Con: Jason, Violet, Andy and Jessica team up to find Sookie. Of course they could just call her but, Sookie can't answer the phone because BECAUSE SHE THREW HER PHONE. If there's one thing Sookie is, it's consistently terrible at making good decisions.

Con: Speaking of good decision making skills, here's the gun gang again. And now they have Andy, Jessica, Violet and Jason cornered. Lord help this series if they kill Jessica.

Pro: Maxinne Fortenberry and Jessica finally have the long awaited showdown. Maxinne shoot Jessica in the shoulder. NOT COOL. But Violet retaliates by ripping out Maxinne's heart? Was that her heart? I don't know. This was a long time coming, and I'm sad to see this monster go but glad to see her die a gruesome death.

Con: Jessica does not heal. Hmmmm.

Pro: Sam (who is now in dog form) runs into Alcide in wolf form. They morph back into their human selves and now it's just two dudes standing naked in a forest, pretending not to flex. Meanwhile two dudes hide in the bushes watching the two naked guys pretend not to flex. Is the forest of Bon Temps 10-square feet?

In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest

Question: do you think Alcide and Sam looked at the other person's business when they untransform? I'm not saying I would, but I'm not saying I wouldn't.

Pro: Back to Sookie and Bill in a tree. Did I mention what a great plan this is? Sookie asks Bill if he's ever been to Six Flags. He says no. OH MY GOD do you think this season will end with Vampire Bill at Six Flags?

Con: Also, did Bill just compare riding a Six Flags ride with going to war? Everyone is fired.

Con: And now the show is cutting to a Civil War flashbacks. Because if there's one thing the True Blood loving public is clamoring for, it's more nonsensical sepia toned time with Bill's family that we don't know and don't care about.

Con: It's also not helping that this Historical Vampire Flashback is revealing that Bill speaks to his daughter in just about the same manner as he speaks to Sookie. *Yikes Face*

Con: Old timey tintype photographer is about as annoying as the Sears photographer. Yes, OF COURSE I can take as many pictures as you like; you are giving me money and in return you will give me a fucking picture that you paid for. As is the common law practice of this land.

Pro: The preacher rescinds his invitation to Willa. He does this to protect Lettie Mae from her vices. Is this the first character in all of True Blood to make a coherent decision?

Con: For a hot second, True Blood pretends to kill off their best character Lafayette with pills. Also not cool—stop with this, please!

Pro: Back in the '80s with Pam and Eric! I could do this for an entire episode.

Pro: '80s Vampire Eric is very sitcom=like, with his bright blue pants and coitus interruptus catch phrase, "Jesuuuus Fuuuuuucking Christ." He needs a laugh track.

Pro: The vampire yakuza shows up and makes Eric pick between killing Pam or killing his human girlfriend. It's Sylvie's Choice. Get it? You get it.

Pro: Eric chooses Pam, obviously.

Con: Back in the present day, Pam is asking Eric if he made the right decision (choosing to save her over his girlfriend). Eric is still pouting and says, "I lost my taste for oysters." YOU'RE A VAMPIRE STOP IT.

Con: Killing Sarah Newlin revives Eric. Sure, OK, whatever. I'm not going to look a blonde vampire in the mouth, but this does not seem like a big fish (to me) for Eric. But whatever gets him to put a little product in his hair.

Pro: Cut back to Sarah Newlin. Turns out she is sleeping with her guru. No one is surprised. This is what she does: has sex with whatever idol she is worshiping. Hey, girl's got a type. The same vampire yakuza shows up and kills her guru. I dunno. Does this mean Eric is going to LA? Because that I could get into. Eric and Pam in LA doing LA things! Making vampire deals! Doing vampire cocaine. Oh! Remember the vampire cocaine? That was fun.

Pro: Back into the woods, Sookie's great plan comes together—AKA, the man who cleans up all her messes (Alcide) shows up with reinforcements and saves the fucking day. Alcide then dresses down Bill: "Go on, tell me about Sookie like I don't know her." Hot.

Con: HEY, HEY, HEY, ALCIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO.

In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest

Alcide is shot right in the head. Right in the head. This is not OK.

Con: Sookie doesn't save Alcide's life by letting the vampires turn him because "She's been down that road before." THIS IS NOT YOUR DECISION TO MAKE! YOU ARE NOT MARRIED OR HIS SISTER, YOU MONSTER. WHERE IS DEBBIE? DEBBIE WOULD KNOW WHAT TO DO! WHYYYYYYYYYY.

Con: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Con: Ugh, True Blood kills Alcide because actually making Sookie be accountable for her own personal relationships would be too hard. UGH. UGH. UGH. What do you want to bet with all this baby talk in this episode, Sookie is pregnant with Alcide's baby? This way, she doesn't have to do any life planning at all! She gets to live with Bill forever and have a werewolf baby. There are no decisions for her to make, supernatural boys.

Bottom line, I'm crushed. Alcide was one of the only good people on this show. And I don't mean good entertaining; sometimes he was a total downer. But he at least attempted to remove himself from the Bon Temps bullshit and be a level-headed person. He made smart decisions. All in all, he just loved the wrong woman. And when Sookie decided to come up with the super good plan of "hide in a tree," she got him killed. And then refused to bring him back. Note if Sam and Alcide and the rest of the gang hadn't shown up, Vampire Bill would have died. Yeah, I hate Sookie a little bit right now.

True Blood: We'll kill every single character to prevent Sookie from making a real decision.

Overall, I liked it, apart from the death of Hey Alcide. It was great to spend some time with classic characters (even if it was just a taste). Plus we got some 80s Eric which is whew, wow. I hope there's more of this in the future of the last season. Felt a little like old time True Blood rock and roll.

In True Blood, Everyone Is Naked And Crying And Dead In The Forest