What the hell is going on with True Blood?

Sometimes, when a series is comfortable with its fans, it will take giant leaps of faith that are no longer aimed at the casual viewers, but just for the die-hards. Like the end of Battlestar Galactica. Or this latest episode of True Blood, where a human person bites into their own arm and doesn't scream bloody murder.

And then, the rest of this episode of True Blood spends most of its running time on nonsensical flashbacks, that we don't need to see. Like all of Terry's past, or things that happened a few minutes ago. I love you True Blood, but there is only so much of "vampires getting high and dancing around" footage that I can take. Seriously, what the fuck was that? And what about Steve? Let's break it down, Pro/Con style.

Spoilers ahead...

Pro: Bill found his balls! Hooray! Tells Sookie that he doesn't care if Warlow is dead, she should still fuck right off, and finish her half of the deal. DELIVER THE BLOODS!

Pro: So did Sookie — finally they are talking to Bill like he totally almost drained her and killed her a few years back, decides to save Warlow by biting INTO HER OWN ARM and giving him her blood. Do you know how heinous that is? Seriously, bite into your own arm right now. I would be running around screaming, crying and vomiting. Blach. Gross.

What the hell is going on with True Blood?

Pro: Sookie chastises Bill: "You're going to drop fang on me?" So... that's a saying?

Pro: I kind of love that they always have the forethought to dim the lights when vampires are around. "Bill's gone, cue the vaseline sex lamp." The devil's in the details, y'all.

Pro: LOL this show.

Con: Terry's funeral. Sad. Boooo. I wish Terry was still alive.

Con: Of course Tara's Mom is a total nightmare — telling a widow she wouldn't miss this funeral "for the world." Congrats: You spawned the worst, and truly you are the birth place of the worst.

Pro: Sookie tells Warlow that she made a promise to be with him and will keep it, apart from that whole "Hey Sam we should totally bone now" moment from last week. All the streams are dried up now, ain't they precious. Meanwhile, I would happily sign up for genital light sex for the rest of my existence with that guy.

Pro: Bolero Tie for the win. UPDATE: Sorry apparently it's a BOLO tie, FORGIVE ME!

What the hell is going on with True Blood?

Con: Terry's grandmother continues the True Blood tradition of terrible old people being terrible.

Con: Hoyt's Mom gives us an update about Hoyt — he has a girlfriend. IT'S NOT FAIR.

Pro: Ladies and gentlemen, the first good "Hey Alcide of the season. HEEEEEEEEEEY ALLLLCIIIIIIDE!

What the hell is going on with True Blood?

Pro: Also big props for rocking the DENIM SHIRT under the expensive black suit jacket. Because when he bought it, he CLEARLY thought, "No, no I don't need a nice white button down, I'M A FUCKING WEREWOLF."

Woof.

Pro: Hoyt's Mom and the village drunk comment on Alcide "smelling like a man" which makes me wonder what Alcide smells like? Gold Bond? You know, for his twig and berries? Yeah, that's right, I SAID IT.

Pro: Daylight Eric Kills Everyone. Obligatory pan through all the carnage. Oh the carnage! It's a lot of carnage, right? It's cool, I get it… but does blood even mean anything anymore to the folks who watch True Blood? I mean, vampires turn into gelatinous mounds of goo. This is nothing compared to what we've seen before. But still — yay for Vampire Eric.

What the hell is going on with True Blood?

Pro: Bill stands over the carnage and does his best, "Macklin, you son of a bitch."

Pro: Inside Vamp Camp, Eric has TWO severed hands. In case one of them doesn't work and can't unlock the important Vampire Doors. WHICH IT DOESN'T. Oh Eric, you are the thinker.

Pro: Eric RIPS OFF THE SCIENTIST'S DICK. And then, just in case you DIDN'T pick up on the soft undertones this series was peddling, the camera pans out and focuses in on the severed penis. TRUE BLOOD!

What the hell is going on with True Blood?

Pro: Eric continues on his merry path of freeing vampires. It's adorable.

Con: Except for the one lone vamp who is waiting for his Maker to die. It's sad. Normally I would feel emotions, but I'm still running around going "THEY PANNED OUT ON A SEVERED PENIS!"

Pro: The progeny is really sweet, poor thing. Sorry about your maker.

Con: Back to the Terry funeral. Sorry, but if I had to choose between spending time on the great Vamp Camp bloodletting versus Terry's funeral, I would pick Vamp Camp, every time.

Con: Bill stomps in the Vampire Scientist's face. Sorry Bill, we've already witnessed this guy's DICK GET PULLED OFF, you lose on the "cool vampire violence shit"-meter.

Pro: Andy gives a nice speech at Terry's funeral. It's a nice eulogy.

Con: So this flip-flopping between the Vamp Camp and the funeral is going to be a thing, isn't it?

Con: And now we're doing flashbacks about Terry acting like a lunatic. While I'm SUPER happy to have more Terry, is this the best way to illustrate a "support our troops at home" message?

What the hell is going on with True Blood?

Pro: At least Andy is a total darling in this flashback.

Con: Bill starts to walk through the additional carnage from Eric's freeing of the Vampires. We meet this vampire, who sing talks. Reasons? We don't know. Don't question it, just let True Blood wash over you like a bouncy breasted human running on a giant hamster wheel.

What the hell is going on with True Blood?

Pro: Eric frees the ladies and finds Jason in the Female Vampire Gen Pop, all drained up. Decides to save him, thus eradicating Jason's whole ridiculous "kill all the vampires" motto from last season, thank goodness. Double pro: When Eric decides to heal him he says, "When you dream of me, dream of nice things." So say we all. So say we all.

What the hell is going on with True Blood?

Pro: Jason tries to high-five dead people when he's all drugged-up on Eric's V-Juice.

Pro: Sarah Newlin is still alive, smart girl hiding under the dead bodies.

Con: Sam is now talking about Terry. For reasons.

Look this is nice, but if MY bosses were going to talk at MY funeral, I hope they would share better flashbacks than "that one time Meredith didn't shower for a month and lived in the woods and communicated spiritually with fish."

Sigh… because when I think about secret True Blood past stories, YOU KNOW I just sit around wondering, "How did Terry become a fry cook at Merlotte's?"

Pro: This whole flashback was an excuse to put Sam in a cut off sweatshirt, wasn't it? If yes then OK.

Con: And what of this "Raging Bitch" everyone keeps talking about? Is this a ploy for more HBO sponsored beer products. The Game of Thrones beer is doing well, I guess.

Con: Terry catches a prop catfish. Looks into its eyes and has a FLASHBACK inside a FLASHBACK. Every life matters. It's like Big Fish, only without the whole emotional payoff and elaborate, colorful storytelling.

What the hell is going on with True Blood?

Pro: "Hello vampires." Oh Eric, you are great when you are on a rampage. RAMPAGE!

Pro: The Doctor tells Eric he fucked Pam, Jason goes "oooh you did not just go there." Oh, Jason. You burned him good.

Con: BACK TO THE FUNERAL, so yes, this is a thing.

Pro: Well at least Lala is rocking the fabulous "respectable" angle all over this cemetery.

What the hell is going on with True Blood?

Pro: Eric recognizes Ginger's scream, as we all did. This moment is delightful. Hooray for Ginger getting saved by Eric. This is a small series highlight for the real fans. I like it.

What the hell is going on with True Blood?

Con: PORTIA GETS SCREEN TIME? OH COME ON.

Pro: Sookie gives her flashback speech. Which means we got to see Terry falling for Arlene. Which is nice. Wouldn't it have been even better if this was the ONLY flashback? The rest is just kind of making Terry look like a total lunatic. Which, sure, he was, but not in a classy "Hey this is a character's funeral" way. Not sure how all the other flashbacks are helping our love of this character. I mean its cool that I know what beer he likes now… I guess.

Pro: Alcide's inner monologue: "I'm so not letting her drink this time."

What the hell is going on with True Blood?

Pro: Sarah Newlin goes bananas and starts opening the roof to the "meet the sun room" and the big reveal: CRAZY TOWN.

What the hell is going on with True Blood?

Pro: Seriously what in the name of fairy vampire sex is going on here? Clearly Bill is sacrificing his blood so the vampires in the sun room can live, but really? The Jesus stance? We get it JESUS JESUS JESUS. BILL IS JESUS. BIJUS.

Con: Also couldn't Bill have just opened the door for them?

Pro: Jason and Eric find the Bill Vampire Feast, Jason says, "fucking gross." YES EXACTLY. Then does this. Priceless.

What the hell is going on with True Blood?


Con: Oh no no no no no no Eric's going to kill Steve. Please, please don't kill Steve. Please don't.

Pro: Steve's last moments on Earth are spent proclaiming his love to Jason Stackhouse. There are worse ways to die.

Con: Steve is really, really dead. NOooOOOOooooooOOOO.

This is very, very sad. Sure, the character had kind of run his course. But NO. I'm sad. Also his death (while awesome the way he went screaming Jason's name) is kind of muddled by all this dancing and running around. If anyone deserves a little revelry it's Rev. Steve Newlin, Gay Vampire and great dancer.

Con: Then the show cuts back to the funeral 'cause clearly that's way more exciting than a shit load of vampires gaining the ability to walk in the sun.

Pro: However, this flashback of Terry and Arlene on the night Mickey was born is very cute. Maybe if they only had this flashback and Sookie's flashback, I would have been more open to spending my Sunday night watching the FUNERAL THAT WOULD NEVER DIE.

Pro: And now we will spend the rest of this episode watching vampires dance around in the sun. I have no idea what the fuck is happening to this series. There is nothing left to do but dance with them. This. Is. True Blood.

What the hell is going on with True Blood?


Con: Merky Merf and the Merkin Bunch are back, because everyone gets time in this episode!

What the hell is going on with True Blood?

Pro: Someone named Big John, that I'm supposed to know, gives a heartfelt song that is very nice. But seriously WHO IS THIS PERSON?

UPDATE: Look I "know" who Big John is, he was forced down our throats in very obvious ways specifically so they could have this singing moment later. I just think it kind of stinks. "Hey there guy that we're all pretending has worked at Merlotte's for years. We are all such good friends with Big John and have history and stuff I swear, remember when the vampires came out of the coffin, Big John? That was something we all definitely experienced together. Oh no, Terry is dead. Wait YOU CAN SING? THAT IS TOTALLY UNEXPECTED AND YET VERY CONVENIENT."

Pro: Jason tries to kill Sarah Newlin, but can't. OK SURE.

*Throws hands in the air*

Fuck it, do we have any old pot in the house from the last hurricane? Because this shit is fucked. The least I can do is meet them on their level. There is so much what-the-fuckery steaming off this episode.

What the hell is going on with True Blood?

Pro: More vampire dancing. Then they all start destroying the True Blood, which OK that makes actual sense, it's contaminated.

Con: MEANWHILE IN HOLOLULU. NO. TRUE BLOOD. NO. NO. STOP. BAD, NO. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. WHY ARE WE IN HAWAII? NO. NO. NO. NO. FUCK THIS.

Con: True Blood is pretending Bill is going to die.

Con: He doesn't.

Con: This whole "oh no Bill" problem is rectified in maybe five seconds. Come on, you guys aren't even trying now.

Con: Eric flies away.

Con: The end.

For an episode that lost a HUGE character and had a big maker/progeny farewell (between Eric and Pam) this is all sorts of confusing. Why was Eric having flashbacks from episodes ago? We remember Nora died, we were there. We don't need this series to show a flashback from a few hours ago. Bill was going to die, then he didn't. All the vampires were going to die, then they didn't. Eric can fly around in the day now. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Anyone else feel like nothing made sense after Steve's death? Who cares, dance it out.

Thankfully, I still LOVE the crazy in this show, hence why most of the wack-a-doo "we get it Bill is Jesus" moments are pros.

Next week looks good though!