When Godzilla fought the Loch Ness monster, everybody lost

Everybody remembers the abysmal 1998 American Godzilla film, but much fewer people remember the tie-in Godzilla cartoon — or that it was actually kinda good. Sure, it was goofy, and Godzilla looked like his CG movie counterpart, but at least it had monster fights. Still, even a giant monster fight couldn’t save the episode titled “Deadloch” from sucking.

We begin with Nick Tatapolous (a much-less annoying interpretation of the character played by Matthew Broderick in the movie) watching a video presented by a Scottish scientist studying the Loch Ness monster. The scientist doesn’t have the tiniest hint of a Scottish accent, but that’s not the problem; the problem is that Nick is convinced the video is fake. In fact, Nick finds the idea of the Loch Ness monster being real to be the most absurd thing ever.

When Godzilla fought the Loch Ness monster, everybody lost

There are two problems with this: 1) The video clearly shows footage of a giant sea monster, swimming underwater, and 2) NICK HANGS OUT WITH A GIANT BIPEDAL LIZARD ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Seriously?! The dude’s whose job is literally to hang out with Godzilla all day finds thinks the Loch Ness monster is utterly preposterous? What an asshole. Nick says the doctor is an actor, the Loch Ness monster is made of rubber, and the whole thing is a plot by the Scottish tourism industry — even after the Loch Ness monster attacks and destroys the camera filming it.

His H.E.A.T. partner Elsie (which stands for Humanitarian Environmental Analysis Team, which means they find mutated monsters around the planet and then cry and wet themselves until Godzilla shows up) convinces Nick to do his fucking job and investigate the monster. They, along with the rest of the HEAT team — nerdy Dr. Craven, bitchy French chemist Monique and lazy intern Randy — sail to Scotland and the Pisces Institute.

Nick meets the scientist, Dr. Hugh Trevor, is immediately a huge dick to him, and then leaves to “investigate the effect the sighting is having on the locals,” because he’s seriously convinced this is some nefarious scheme by the Scottish Board of Tourism. However, as soon as someone who’s actually part of the Scottish tourism industry approaches the group as they’re eating, Nick storms off back to the Pisces Institute. NICK HATES SCOTTISH TOURISM WITH EVERY FIBER OF HIS BEING. Elsie and Monique join Nick, but Eustace McPhail (who pronounces his name “Useless McPhil,” which I’m not 100% sure is the correct pronunciation) manages to talk Craven and Randy into an expensive tour, where he sells Craven some kind of bullshit about the town being founded by the MacCravens and him being their descendent (his ancestors having fled Scotland after “the Haggis famine”). The result is that Craven buys a bunch of Loch Ness merchandise, and somehow Nick’s distrust of the Scottish tourism industry is validated.

When Godzilla fought the Loch Ness monster, everybody lost

Eventually, everyone heads into the loch in tiny submersibles to search for signs of Nessie. They descend to a depth of 160 fathoms, a pretty neat trick because 160 fathoms equals about 960 feet, and Loch Ness is only 745 feet deep at its lowest point. Everyone’s about to give up and turn around when Nick and Randy actually spot Nessie! Dr. Trevor tries to convince them that they actually saw a school of blowfish, which is insane because 1) who the fuck mistakes a giant sea serpent for a school of fish, 2) there aren’t any blowfish in Loch fucking Ness, and 3) why the hell wouldn’t Dr. Trevor want to rub Nick’s smug face in Nessie’s existence? Anyways, Trevor tries to make everyone leave, but Nick turns off his radio — because he’s a dick — and immediately gets his sub caught in a whirlpool created by Nessie.

Luckily, Nessie stops making the whirlpool — causing one to wonder why she made it in the first place — but collides directly into Nick’s sub, sinking it, and forcing Nick and Randy to swim to the surface with the aid of an oxygen tank (although why the sudden change in pressure doesn’t kill them instantly is anyone’s guess). Nessie takes this moment to start attacking the Institute, which is when Godzilla happens to walk by.

Yes, Godzilla was apparently in the neighborhood of Scotland and just happened to overhear a giant sea serpent attacking his buddies at HEAT. So obviously the two monsters get in a fight, although Godzilla hands Nessie her ass pretty quickly, then chases after her into the Loch.

When Godzilla fought the Loch Ness monster, everybody lost

At the Institute, Dr. Trevor bitches at Nick for destroying his sub; when Nick responds he didn’t believe the Loch Ness monster was real, Trevor bitches him out about that, too. Dr. Trevor demands that Nessie be destroyed — an odd thing for a scientist whose entire career has been about trying to prove the existence of the Loch Ness monster to want — but no one brings this up. Elsie, however, does wonder why Nessie is attacking the Institute now after being quite chill for the last ten-thousand or so years. It goes without saying that no one is at all concerned that Godzilla is now hanging out in Loch Ness.

Anyways, Randy hacks into the Institute’s security camera, where he discovers Dr. Trevor has a baby Loch Ness monster locked in a cage! Big Nessie is attacking the Institute because she wants her kid back! Nick very cunningly asks the Doctor to get everyone out of the Institute, then somehow broadcasts Nessie Jr.’s cries, causing Big Nessie to freak out and attack the Institute again. Dr. Trevor rushes in to stop the broadcast, and explaining his evil plans to sell the baby sea serpent.

The hell? What is Dr. Trevor’s endgame here? I mean, he obviously wants to sell Nessie Jr. to make some cash, but what was his plan? Because this is what he did:

• Chose the ludicrous career of trying to discover the Loch Ness monster.

• When he finally discovers the existence of the Loch Ness monster, he decides to kidnaps its baby and sell it.

• But rather than selling it right away, he decides to stick around while Big Nessie attacks his Institute.

• And rather than keeping quiet about the whole damn thing, he releases a video of the Loch Ness monster to the public thus bringing copious attention down on himself while he has Nessie Jr. encaged in his own Institute.

• When the investigators came, he went out with them to look for Big Nessie while she’s enraged at the loss of her child.

• And he basically does everything the investigators ask, including leaving the building where he has his hostage stowed.

When Godzilla fought the Loch Ness monster, everybody lost

And that’s completely ignoring the fact he wants to kill Big Nessie, despite the fact that doing so really shouldn’t affect selling Nessie Jr, and that it would invalidate the last 30 years of his professional life. And who the fuck is going to buy a baby sea serpent? Don’t they realize it’s going to end up as a very big sea serpent eventually? You can’t keep that thing in your backyard pool, you know. I don’t think Dr. Trevor truly thought this thing out, is all.

Two other people who didn’t think things out — Nick and Randy, who are shocked when, after enraging Big Nessie with the sound of its baby’s cries, Nessie busts into the Institute and tries to kill them. Luckily, Godzilla shows up right at the exact last second again, and saves their butts. Unfortunately, underwater Nessie has the advantage and basically just coils around Godzilla like a snake.

Despite the fact that the Loch Ness monster is right outside, Dr. Trevor chooses that moment to take off with Nessie Jr. — which he chooses to do via submarine, rather than a car or a plane or any other transportation on land or air that the creature’s thoroughly pissed-off mother isn’t currently occupying. Shockingly, Momma Ness hears her baby’s cries, has a brief chat with Godzilla in monster-talk, they stop fighting and easily, easily, easily recover Nessie Jr. (while tossing Trevor’s sub like a Frisbee, almost assuredly killing him).

Then the team goes back to their boat and Craven plays the bagpipes because SCOTLAND. Which is less lame than another haggis joke, I guess, but not as cool as if everybody developed Trainspotting-esque heroin addictions. The end.

When Godzilla fought the Loch Ness monster, everybody lost

What Did We Learn?

• Scientists in Scotland have no accents.

• Nick’s hatred of the Scottish tourism industry is entirely justified.

• Since haggis is made primarily with the heart, lungs, liver and stomach of a sheep, if there was an actual haggis famine, that means there was a significant portion of time where Scottish sheep were missing their internal organs.

• The creators of the Godzilla cartoon made an entire episode about Loch Ness without bothering to look up or verify any facts about Loch Ness.

• If you plan on kidnapping something, consider 1) not keeping it in your office, 2) not calling attention to yourself and brining in investigators to work out of said office and 3) not driving the kidnappee within 20 feet of its loved ones. Basically, see what Trevor did, and do the opposite of that.

• If you hang out with a giant fucking lizard, try not to assume other giant fucking lizards can’t be real. It makes you look like an asshole.