Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts - io9 Comments

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

njudah — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 10:38:59 PST

interesting...these look like the opening credits of Nausicaa...

njudah

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

Git Em SteveDave is a poor substitute for LindsayJoy — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 05:14:51 PST

@Kevin Kelly: For awhile I did not know who Colin Farrell was, as I am a guy. When my one boss who was gay would go on about him, I thought he was talking about WILL, and couldn't understand.

@aspiringexpatriate: The big reason I thought it was the Recruit was that it looks like a woman, and the chick was the one with the flash drive. I'm actually kind of upset that that movie has taken up permanent memory storage in my brain.

Git Em SteveDave is a poor substitute for LindsayJoy

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

pkittie — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 22:57:35 PST

What's with the accordion playing slave alligator? I can't recall any movies with musically gifted gators.

I kinda proud of myself for identifying the Jean Claude Van Damme one.

pkittie

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

Kevin Kelly — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 20:58:29 PST

@ynguldyn: These translations are freaking awesome.

Kevin Kelly

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

ynguldyn — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 19:24:49 PST

The Matrix:

Here is Neo he always looks up into the sky, he avoided a bullet, but he hit his head and can't straighten up. He saw two cats and farted his pants full of gas.

I am Doctor Morpheus, I look like an Abyssinian moor, I have an iron hole like a row lock in the back of my head, I walk around plugged into a phone.

Please brother give me a pill to heal my bending and hemorrhoids.

Neo is walking and stinking, and Morpheus answers him like this: you fool asked for a pill, you're not getting anything.

(Last sentence intentionally modified into PG version.)

ynguldyn

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

ynguldyn — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 19:10:30 PST

The Terminator:

Here I am a weird man and a windup dummy, my name is Terminator two, the tin head. I drink lamp oil, I ride a bike really fast, and I'm really handy with an arquebus.

I am three arshin tall, and I have wheels and springs inside.

I got into a kitchen and I broke my head all over.

ynguldyn

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

TheAlmanac — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 18:52:03 PST

@ynguldyn: I really appreciate all of the translations you've been providing (as do the rest of the readers here, I'm sure :)). I already thought these were great, and knowing how the text describes each plot just adds a whole new level of hilarity...

TheAlmanac

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

ynguldyn — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 18:36:53 PST

Schpeiderman (the word is clearly Germanized in the original, hence this spelling):

I never wash my pantyhose, which is why I always stick to the ceiling.

Here I am a spider man, I have an extra pair of hands. I hug a girl in the front, and I pour myself wine dexterously in the back.

ynguldyn

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

Kevin Kelly — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 18:32:21 PST

@demonbaby: It's from the director's cut.

Kevin Kelly

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

ynguldyn — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 18:30:29 PST

WotW:

While the Martian was healthy, he gave humans the war of the worlds. He burned some people, leaving only their shirts and pants, and he caught others and chopped them into stew.

He went to the town and caught a nasty disease. Since he didn't treat it, he fell ill and turned into dust and fell on the ground.

ynguldyn

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

aspiringexpatriate — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 18:25:13 PST

@ynguldyn: Oh. Nice. I was wondering why it didn't make a lot of sense. For the better part of the day I thought they were at least semi-serious.

aspiringexpatriate

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

ynguldyn — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 18:23:02 PST

"Anykeyka the lamer presses buttons but has no idea what they do. He bought a whistle, but doesn't know which hole to put it in."

ynguldyn

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

aspiringexpatriate — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 18:22:44 PST

@demonbaby: Hey Rob, when did you start gawker commenting?

[you don't know me but I've commented on your site before]

aspiringexpatriate

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

demonbaby — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 17:57:46 PST

Um... in the Matrix one... is he farting on a cat? I don't remember that scene.

demonbaby

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

aspiringexpatriate — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 17:34:09 PST

@Acheman: Chances are they translated an American film with book burning into something else in Russian. It happens a lot. It might very well be Fahrenheit 451. Just saying it could be another film that had burning books.

But yeah, the crocodile one is confusing, as is the blind drug dealer.

He seems to be doing recent films though, so 451 seems a bit out of place. For all I know it's Equilibrium. Just saying, confusing and all.

aspiringexpatriate

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

Acheman — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 17:11:17 PST

@aspiringexpatriate: Which film would that be? I can't find a 'War With Folly' on IMDB or elsewhere. Is it a Russian film that was never released in an English-language version? In which case, does that mean that the crocodile etc probably are too, and I should stop obsessing? Because that would be strangely relieving.

Acheman

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

aspiringexpatriate — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 16:41:12 PST

@Seth L: The sad thing is, that's funny because it's true. The Party would literally purge people who caused problems or were widely hated from the records. Going so far as to removing Beria out of a photo with Stalin. See, Beria was the KGB head [might've been KDP at the time] and possibly Stalin's assassin. Well they couldn't eradicate Stalin from the record, as he won WWII. So they eradicated Beria from the record and blamed him for all of Stalin's paranoia driven orders to send everyone to Siberia.

aspiringexpatriate

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

Inkymonkey — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 16:39:18 PST

Wow the Spiderman one with Kirsten Dunst is kind of a glamour shot, doncha think?

Inkymonkey

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

Seth L — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 16:29:51 PST

In Soviet Russia, Science Fictions You!

Seth L

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

aspiringexpatriate — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 16:29:01 PST

@Acheman: The title of that was is War With Folly. But it does look like Fahrenheit 451.

@Poormojo: Fine. Let's call it ExistenZ just because it's a far better movie. Who cares if it's inaccurate? And yes, the implant for jacking into the game was some spinal cord implant that made it kinda look like Willem DaFoe shoved a big stick up the lead's arse. (That's what my 'spark plugs' comment referred to) As you know, I guess I'm the only one who's seen ExistenZ.

Also, no clue about those other two.

aspiringexpatriate

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

Poormojo — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 16:19:11 PST

The computer-butt thing might be ExistenZ. My russian is way too rusty to translate.

Poormojo

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

Acheman — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 16:06:07 PST

Why did you leave out Farenheit 451? [www.hiero.ru] Surely that counts as Scifi?
Also, what the holy hell is going on with the crocodile one? Or the one with the blind drug dealer?

Acheman

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

aspiringexpatriate — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 16:05:44 PST

@Kevin Kelly: I'm not saying it shouldn't be on here, it's a cool topic and a confusing one gave us all a puzzle. Which is very good for sci-fi geeks. Whether or not the answer was sci-fi related shouldn't matter.

aspiringexpatriate

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

Kevin Kelly — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 15:14:31 PST

@aspiringexpatriate: The trouble is, I didn't know it was The Recruit when I stuck it in here. For all I knew, it was a reinterpretation of Johnny Mnemonic with Keanu keeping the data in his butt.

Kevin Kelly

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

Evil Tortie's Mom — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 15:14:22 PST

Screw it. Let's pretend that one is ExistenZ anyway.

My little mind is blown, and I'm both delighted and amazed. Which is the fabled "sense of wonder" at its' best.

R2D2 makes me giggle.

Evil Tortie's Mom

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

aspiringexpatriate — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:55:09 PST

Also, ExistenZ rocketh muchly, as do most David Cronenberg movies. And it had Jude Law opposite Jennifer Jason Leigh alongside Ian Holm.

Just saying...

Go watch it. Then watch Eastern Promises.

aspiringexpatriate

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

aspiringexpatriate — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:41:05 PST

@EracMan: Which is why it confused everyone on this site. Because The Recruit isn't sci-fi. But, nevertheless, it's what that woodcutting refers to.

aspiringexpatriate

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

EracMan — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:40:10 PST

@aspiringexpatriate: While that may be correct that it is "The Recruit", I don't know that I consider it "Sci-fi" just because it had a computer and USB drive in it (regardless of where you put it). If computer is the only requirement for Sci-fi classification then I guess "You Got Mail" would be a romantic Sci-fi.

Heck lets throw in "Zoolander". I mean after all he destroys the "computer" at the end.

EracMan

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

aspiringexpatriate — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:40:10 PST

I almost wanted to see that film, then I realized one of the drafts was by Kurt Wimmer. And one Equilibrium is enough.

aspiringexpatriate

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

aspiringexpatriate — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:39:14 PST

@aspiringexpatriate: Аникейка is Russian for Recruit. Just to settle the matter. Again.

aspiringexpatriate

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

aspiringexpatriate — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:38:19 PST

mmm... spark plugs

aspiringexpatriate

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

SVreader — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:37:58 PST

@ElinorGee: That was the one I clumsily tried to describe above! Never saw it either.

SVreader

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

ElinorGee — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:34:27 PST

Could the mystery woodcut be a scene from eXistenZ? I never saw the movie, but wasn't there some sort of homoerotic method of plugging in to a virtual reality?

ElinorGee

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

aspiringexpatriate — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:31:41 PST

@aspiringexpatriate: It is the Recruit. Good job GitEmSteveDave.

Took me awhile to realize I could just plug it into google translate.

aspiringexpatriate

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

aspiringexpatriate — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:25:12 PST

The letters are a dated cyrillic, so I can't read them properly. Looks like it's saying "Anekeinka lamer' knopitsui nazhimaet' da niuevo b'tom' neponi maet' kupil' svistok' akuda b'stavit' evo i neznaet'"

I see the verb for 'bought' and a pronoun for 'to him/for him' at the end there. Possibly leading into "to where [it] returned to him and [it] doesn't know."

I guess The Recruit works, cause I know shit all about that movie and what this wood cutting says.

aspiringexpatriate

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

draconismoi — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:23:41 PST

I like the LOTR interpretation.....does it look like Frodo is flipping us off to anyone else? Need to track down someone who speaks Russian......

draconismoi

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

Frozen-Tex — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:18:03 PST

@SVreader: If that's Leia, it opens up new galaxies of jokes about Han getting a piece of Jedi tail...

Frozen-Tex

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

SVreader — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:12:45 PST

@Frozen-Tex: Hey...wasn't it Leia who brought him food after the de-handing? Not a very flattering picture of her.

SVreader

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

Frozen-Tex — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:06:39 PST

"So, I get my hand chopped off, and all Chewie can do is offer me a drink and a pickle? I'll chop HIM good with my flaming sword!"

Frozen-Tex

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

Kevin Kelly — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:01:41 PST

@Git Em SteveDave: I think you mean Colin Farrell, although I'd love to see Will Ferrell team up with Al Pacino.

Kevin Kelly

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

Jeff-Minor — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 13:59:30 PST

Reminds me of the Futurama ep where Bender re-builds himself with wood. It's kinda handsome, in that primitive illustrative style.

Jeff-Minor

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

SVreader — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 13:52:24 PST

Is it that movie with the British guy? Jude Law or Ewan? And he plays a virtual reality game? I didn't watch it, but I remember reading about it.

Also, Neo is totally passing gas in the Matrix one.

Love the art, although the site is taking forever to load at the moment.

SVreader

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

92BuickLeSabre — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 13:51:06 PST

These are so incredibly awesome.

But I don't remember any pickles....???

92BuickLeSabre

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

Little Time Bomb — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 13:49:52 PST

Wow! Does anyone read Russian? I'd love to know what the writing on these says!

Little Time Bomb

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

Git Em SteveDave is a poor substitute for LindsayJoy — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 13:43:21 PST

Is it for that god-awful Al Pacino-Will Farrell Spy movie where the chick hid the flash drive in her mug and stole from the CIA computer?

Or maybe Mission:Impossible?

Git Em SteveDave is a poor substitute for LindsayJoy

Your Favorite Scifi Films As Russian Woodcuts

braak — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 13:42:35 PST

That Spider-Man one is pretty rad.

Also, the War of the Worlds where they're tromping around in a giant watering can.

braak