Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are - io9 Comments

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

Sian — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 12:54:41 PDT

A.I. was a brilliant film until it kept going for three quarters an hour after the real ending with the boy-bot sunk at the bottom of the ocean staring at a plaster fairy forever.

Sian

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

phoenix — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 00:50:32 PST

But he throws a mean punch, amirite? eh? ehhhh?

...eh it was worth a try. ;)

phoenix

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

Silver_Back — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 09:30:58 PST

I maybe a bit hesitant about the upcoming Indy movie but with Uwe talking about it just means to spite him I'm going to get tickets for the movie baby.

Silver_Back

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

Morgan — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 13:14:12 PST

@daveNYC: It doesn't matter whether he turns a profit; German tax laws give such beneficial breaks to those that invest in German owned movies that the investors make money regardless of whether the movie does.

Morgan

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

radio1 — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 12:31:34 PST

God, even if I despised Indiana Jones, I would still buy tickets to it; after reading those quotes from Boll.

radio1

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

daveNYC — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 12:27:43 PST

...and has a plot.

Kristanna Loken's tits don't count as a plot?

daveNYC

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

andrew60647 — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 10:08:45 PST

He has a doctorate in literature? I guess that means his movies aren't awful - they're po-mo.

andrew60647

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

Spiral — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 09:01:27 PST

@btgoss: Not a medical doctor. He has a doctorate in literature.
He has written two books on TV, however.
[en.wikipedia.org]

Spiral

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

Klebert L. Hall — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 08:52:33 PST

@BlacklistedJoe:

Well, sure. OTOH, he grafted on a happy ending.

@btgoss:

He only went so he could carve people up and get paid for it. I thought about it for that reason, too, but am too lazy.
-Kle.

Klebert L. Hall

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

Zapp Brannigan's Girdle — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 08:52:03 PST

The guy fails to take into account the name recognition factor, which is one of his many failings. The name Spielberg attached to a project brings to mind the potential for great storytelling, visuals unlike anything before and a theater experience that'll leave you breathless. The name Boll, on the other hand, inspires a movement best left behind closed doors and flushed immediately.

Zapp Brannigan's Girdle

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

btgoss — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 08:24:26 PST

The really crazy thing about Boll is that he is a doctor. A man that nuckin' futz actually made it through medical school. WTF?

btgoss

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

capntim — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 07:48:29 PST

boll isn't actually expecting to make good on his statement, he's just making it in the hopes such a crazy statement will generate some free coverage of his movie.

if its hard to make a good movie out of a good game, why would they greenlight a movie to be made out of a shitty game?

capntim

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

AgtShadow — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 06:00:22 PST

@Westender: That is the perfect solution!

Sadly enough, I'm pretty sure I'll go see Postal in the theater regardless. I loved the computer game.

AgtShadow

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

Gyrus — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 05:48:19 PST

Spielberg has slipped over the years but I'd watch the scraps on the cutting room floor from WOW before a Uwe Boll film.

Gyrus

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

extracrispy — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 05:47:36 PST

@joemono: It's not so much that I would have changed the ending to War of the Worlds. But a little foreshadowing could have made the ending seem like less of a softball.

@aubreyAubrey: Yep, the creatures at the end of AI are next-generation mechas, i.e. mechas created by mechas. I guess people mistake them for aliens because they sorta do resemble the aliens in Spielberg's Close Encounters. Much like 2001 depicts the evolution of human intelligence, AI examines the evolution of artificial intelligence from Teddy to David to the next-generation mechas at the end. It's really, really fascinating if you have the patience to get through Spielberg's plodding script.

extracrispy

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

Angryrider — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 05:13:22 PST

This coming from a guy that paid Dave Foley to scratch his balls on screen...

Angryrider

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

darthsodomizer — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 03:31:29 PST

So, they let the former Center of the Washington Bullets Direct movies?

darthsodomizer

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

clevermonkey — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 21:28:34 PST

About the time WOW was in the theatres, I was reading Volume II of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, which dealt with exactly the same subject matter. After reading that I felt no need to go see the Spielberg/Cruise version of the story.

clevermonkey

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

aubreyAubrey — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 21:26:36 PST

@Falconfire: So wait. Those were robots?

aubreyAubrey

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

Falconfire — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 21:09:49 PST

@Mistro311: actually the first part of the movie WAS the story, Kubrick added the second part.

"Supertoys last all summer" was the story that AI became, Kubrick added in all the Pinocchio references and the robots take over the earth (that everyone mistakes for aliens) ending.

Falconfire

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

joemono — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 20:48:43 PST

@extracrispy: How would you have liked WOW to end?

joemono

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

TheAlmanac — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 18:24:57 PST

@Erzengel: Strangely enough, BloodRayne 2 is actually a much better film than the original (though I realise that's not saying much). It helps that the movie has a completely different cast, was shot in British Columbia instead of Romania...and has a plot.

TheAlmanac

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

codydog — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 18:18:47 PST

i have become familiar with your attitude, and value it for what it is.

I did see the trailer for "Postal" and thought "Gee, that looks like fun."

Lots of Kaboomium expended on that one.

codydog

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

Plague — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 18:10:06 PST

@codydog:
Which has just ended for him.
So, I think his stream of crap will now become more of a trickle of crap.

Plague

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

codydog — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 17:43:28 PST

I suspect they all do, eventually. You can make a lot of cheesy movie for the price of Tom Cruise's wardrobe, catering and trailer.

Somebody posted that Boll gets a big tax write off in Germany.

codydog

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

daveNYC — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 17:41:04 PST

How does Boll keep getting gigs? Has he ever made a movie that actually turned a profit?

daveNYC

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

codydog — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 17:36:02 PST

@extracrispy: I think i read the book AI was baesd on, actually, although i surpressed a lot of it.

And i would have loved to see a Steam punk "WOW" that conveyed a little of the hoplessness and despair of the book.. I have always wondered if Wells was not foreseeing the destruction of the British Empire...

(google Break)

War of Worlds book 1898

Recessional Poem; R L Kipling. Was written for Victoria's Diamond Jubilee in 1897.

I think that there was an "End of Empire" meme in the air.

I will hold my supposition, and suggest that an original version of WOW would have been somewhat appropriate for the times, without pushing any political point.

codydog

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

Westender — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 17:27:58 PST

@Belabras: Of course. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Westender

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

codydog — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 17:27:46 PST

@Mistro311: my daughter said it was like being trapped under a collapsed ferris wheel for centuries. I said no kabooms, no breasties, no monsters, no movie.

Actually i would love to see an intelligent deep meaningful SF movie, but after "Contact" and that one with the tree flying through space, i am losing hope.. I liked both of them well enough, you understand, but honorable wife person threatened mutiny if i ever made her sit through something that slow ever again.

codydog

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

Belabras — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 17:25:17 PST

@Westender:
only if we get to kill the other one when they exit the thunderdome.

Belabras

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

extracrispy — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 17:24:04 PST

@codydog: War of the Worlds is a fantastic effects movie with a horrible, anticlimactic ending.

And AI is a brilliant, brilliant film that's misunderstood by nearly everyone who saw it. Let me guess, you're one of the people who thought those were aliens at the end?

Uwe Boll is retarded. That is all.

extracrispy

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

Plague — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 17:18:23 PST

I don't really want to comment on this turd, because that's exactly what he wants.

However, I have noticed that blacklistedjoe talks to himself a lot.

Plague

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

antimatty — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 17:16:57 PST

given the opportunity i would have no moral problem with killing uwe boll.

antimatty

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

Westender — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 17:15:03 PST

I say we just lock Boll and Jack Thompson in a room together and see who kills who first.

Westender

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

Mistro311 — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 17:14:19 PST

@codydog: Yeah AI was originally a Kubrick film, finished off by the Berg. I actually liked it, to some extent though. If you think of the first part as one story that never got finished, and the last part as the end of a movie that was good. I think there could have been two really good movies there, but the melding of the two kind of ruined it.

Mistro311

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

BlacklistedJoe — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 17:11:19 PST

@Erzengel: I'd sell Intelligent Vampire to Boll (if he wanted it). I still have 3 acts to write though.

BlacklistedJoe

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

BlacklistedJoe — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 16:57:43 PST

@BlacklistedJoe: You still loved it.

@codydog: i think Kubrickberg did that one (AI) too

BlacklistedJoe

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

BlacklistedJoe — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 16:56:18 PST

@codydog: Minority Report seemed extra-dark for Spielberg.

BlacklistedJoe

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

Erzengel — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 16:55:39 PST

Bloodrayne II??? is there a Bloodrayne II??? after the fiasco of the first one???
i have lost all hope on human kind.

Erzengel

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

BlacklistedJoe — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 16:54:16 PST

Thought: in a Jaws v. E.T. movie, who would win?

BlacklistedJoe

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

codydog — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 16:53:05 PST

gee i dunno.. War of the Worlds" was one of the worse movies i have ever seen, and "In the Name of the King" was not half as bad on perhaps a tenth of the budget. Does that make it 20 times better?

And who did "AI?" That was almost as bad as "WOW." Only in as it didn't have as much little girl screaming.

codydog

Boll to Spielberg: I Will Crush You Like The Hack You Are

aspiringexpatriate — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 16:47:59 PST

Yeah, he needs to hire a 'PR' agent whose only job is to translate him. All the eastern europeans do it, why not the germans?

aspiringexpatriate