Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest? - io9 Comments

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

FiveLiters — Mon, 12 May 2008 17:07:09 PDT

There was that chick in the bar scene of "Priscilla,Queen Of The Desert" who shot the ping-pong balls out of her hoohoo.

Officially renaming this site 'Jizzmodo'!

FiveLiters

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

tehrahl — Sun, 11 May 2008 01:08:58 PDT

I'm registering for one reason and one reason only. To correct a greivous oversight in the realm of crotch based weapons.

Destroy Man from the game No More Heroes. In no other media can you experience the pain and embarassment of being on the recieving end of a massive crotch laser from a man in a silly costume shouting out attack names.

tehrahl

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

tk. — Sun, 11 May 2008 00:47:14 PDT

Honorable mention for Xenia Onatopp?

[www.mi6.co.uk]

tk.

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Signal — Sun, 11 May 2008 00:07:37 PDT

@Bal-Cleric: "Mufficate" is now my favoritest word. Thank you.

If I ever make a crotch cannon I would program it to always target the face.

Signal

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

hapeximendios — Sat, 10 May 2008 09:30:13 PDT

I think Superman wins, as per esteemed scifi author Larry Niven: [www.rawbw.com]

hapeximendios

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

ThatGuyOverThere — Sat, 10 May 2008 06:07:43 PDT

What about captain dingleberry? He sits on evil-doers and sends them to an alternate dimension (shitworld) via his sphincteral gateway!

One of the best comics I ever bought, but I never found any more of it to buy after the intro.

ThatGuyOverThere

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Smeagol92055 — Sat, 10 May 2008 00:29:33 PDT

Who could forget Dark Helmet?

[www.insomniacmania.com]

Smeagol92055

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Trowble (XBL/PSN) — Fri, 09 May 2008 23:10:19 PDT

Ben Chapelski: Let's see how you like my... COCK ROCKET!

From Orgazmo.

Trowble (XBL/PSN)

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

codydog — Fri, 09 May 2008 22:03:51 PDT

And we have been talking about Hancock's and Superman's speed of light sperms all week, and you left them off the list.

And you forgot Alfred Bester's "Golem 100"

I think Micheal Moorcock (real name, it says here) had a book about a hero(ine) that mutated into an irresistible bi-sex god, last seen raping her/is way across Europe to the wonderment of all.

Now that was using a crotch weapon the way it was intended.

And if you went there, you could go to famous hermaphrodites in SF... Hint. More Bester, and Theodore Sturgeon.

codydog

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

MizzMazz — Fri, 09 May 2008 22:02:23 PDT

Although not really a weapon, there's always Kryten's groinal attachment in Red Dwarf:
[www.totalreddwarf.co.uk]

MizzMazz

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

DearEditor — Fri, 09 May 2008 21:53:12 PDT

Lone Star vs. Dark Helmet: Schwartz Rings

DearEditor

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

GrimaceXL — Fri, 09 May 2008 21:47:07 PDT

Forgot the Cock rocket from Orgazmo

GrimaceXL

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

jacques_e_loupe — Fri, 09 May 2008 19:03:23 PDT

Looks like pkittie and Annalee already remembered Tetsuo.

here is a youtube. the weapon appears around 45 sec. in

jacques_e_loupe

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Ghede — Fri, 09 May 2008 18:39:11 PDT

That isn't XKCD-looking, more "Perry Bible Fellowship"-looking. XKCD is just stick figures.

Also, that clip is hilarious.

Ghede

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

RobinSeneca — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:59:55 PDT

You forgot Choda Boy from the Movie "Orgazmo".... "COCK ROCKET!!!"

RobinSeneca

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Michael Bauser — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:54:09 PDT

@DocGratis: There are only women in the background because Codpiece became a supervillain to get back at women for making fun of his small penis. No really, that's the comic.

And then the weapon got dissolved by transexual superhero named Coagula.

Michael Bauser

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Bal-Cleric — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:34:15 PDT

Mufficate? That is the single best way to die hahaah. Awesomesauce.

Bal-Cleric

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Evil Tortie's Mom — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:29:07 PDT

@JennaW: What she said.

Evil Tortie's Mom

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

brentbent — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:26:16 PDT

This reminds me of an old SNL (or perhaps Fridays) sketch with two spaceships--one manned entirely by men that was rather phallic and another crewed by only women that was a round ring--where the male ship kept flying in and out of a the female ship's inner circle. Hilarious stuff for a young teen.

And speaking of phallic ships the Lexx wins that one hands down; it's a gigantic penis that can shoot a blast of energy powerful enough to blow up planets--kind of like a perveted death star.

brentbent

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Camaro02 — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:21:22 PDT

@Camaro02: Okay YouTube is being picky about it...

Camaro02

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Camaro02 — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:20:25 PDT

I had to go find Robot Jox, to remember it:

right around the 2:27 mark

Camaro02

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

DocGratis — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:13:13 PDT

[cache.io9.com]

If I can go back to that original picture...

First off why are there only women in the background...

And what kind of sound is Ka-Baam for a crotch cannon to make?

Why is there a pink circle around his face? Does he get flushed-faced after every salvo?

And he already has a crotch cannon.. does his helmet really need to be penis shaped?

DocGratis

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

DocGratis — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:04:26 PDT

@Epaminondas: That is messed up...
And they all start with J...

Blerg.
Johannah? Jinger?
Come on you are just making up names now...

What is next?
Jannalee?
(sorry Anna looks like they are going to use that, you get to be #19)

@Annalee Newitz: Oh and of course Boob weapons are completely legit..
The distraction power alone doubles their effectiveness...

DocGratis

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

bonniegrrl — Fri, 09 May 2008 15:59:23 PDT

Where's the Freud Bot when you need him?

bonniegrrl

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Annalee Newitz — Fri, 09 May 2008 15:50:28 PDT

@Hoaxe: Boob weapons are totally different. Jeez. TOTALLY different.

Annalee Newitz

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Bitterbunny — Fri, 09 May 2008 15:48:16 PDT

I always ask can I lick it be for we kick it

Bitterbunny

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Hoaxe — Fri, 09 May 2008 15:43:20 PDT

boobies 'n stuff

Hoaxe

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Epaminondas — Fri, 09 May 2008 15:40:31 PDT

Hmmm, this guy should have made the list.

[www.sfgate.com]

Epaminondas

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

darcymcgee — Fri, 09 May 2008 15:23:32 PDT

About that crotch gun too, I always wondered about recoil kickback on that thing....

darcymcgee

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

cloudnine — Fri, 09 May 2008 15:22:05 PDT

i'm speechless.

cloudnine

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

darcymcgee — Fri, 09 May 2008 15:07:08 PDT

I can't *believe* I didn't mak e this list. My testicles are semi-automatic too.

darcymcgee

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

phoenix — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:55:13 PDT

@Plague: I'm so glad I'm not alone here. I was about to say the same thing. :(

phoenix

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Miranda Kali — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:49:37 PDT

Tom Savini as "Sex Machine" in From Dusk Till Dawn.
Wasn't the biggest, or the most powerful, but it beats out EVERYTHING for style. Hell, the Savini cameo alone is one of the best in B horror flicks.

Miranda Kali

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Annalee Newitz — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:46:02 PDT

@knots: These are not all cock-related! There are vadges and a butt!

Annalee Newitz

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Velireon — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:41:45 PDT

I ... teethy va-j-j's? Oh my god. If I were to ever decide censorship was ok ...

I mean, teethy hungry yonic things are the stuff of gay boy nightmares. Including mine. It's why va-j-j's make me shiver to this day, and surely what caused me to choose a homosexual lifestyle. That and Disclosure.

Velireon

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

dOk — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:37:41 PDT

Agrees with JennaW about the "OW" factor of a crotch weapon.

dOk

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Annalee Newitz — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:37:08 PDT

@pkittie: Ooops! How could I forget Tetsuo?! Best crotch weapon ever -- though still not as good at Codpiece.

Annalee Newitz

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

neocane1 — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:36:16 PDT

Is it wrong that this post turned me on just a little bit? I mean... it isn't MAJOR wood material, but...umm...yeah...any battles of the bulge kinda get me going...

neocane1

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

dOk — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:36:15 PDT

Hey you left off Sonja from the original Mortal Kombat.

Whose killer move involves grabbing you with her legs ( crotch really lol) and flinging you across the ring.

And as I remember theres a version of that more that is her "Fatality" move

dOk

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Mathmos — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:35:53 PDT

where would 1o9 be without sex?

Mathmos

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Annalee Newitz — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:30:45 PDT

@designguybrown: [sitting in ratty sweats, picking nose all alone]

Annalee Newitz

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

designguybrown — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:27:45 PDT

Hmm.. friday afternoons in io9 HQ must just be one huge, fun-packed, college-dorm, romper-room setting.

Do they have all those *sparkly* props, special couches, and smiley mirrors to calm people down out that way?

designguybrown

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

SonikaAsteria — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:27:11 PDT

Is it wrong that this post turned me on a little bit?

SonikaAsteria

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

pkittie — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:26:23 PDT

Hey, what about Tetsuo, the Iron Man? He'd make mincemeat out of the TeethGirl.

pkittie

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

JennaW — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:24:48 PDT

Wow. I've avoided seeing any crotch-weaponry all this time, and now it's this... stunning...

I mean, did the artist wake up one day, scream, "To hell with METAPHORS!" and start sketching?

Yow. Also, with the way weapons tend to kick when fired, OW!

JennaW

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

augie1 — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:23:32 PDT

Damn, did I wander onto Fleshbot by accident?

augie1

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Plague — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:21:53 PDT

For anyone who cares: the live action version of Kekko Kamen doesn't deliver the goods.
I should know, I've watched all five of them just to make sure.

Plague

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Kaiser-Machead's Chips Ahoy! — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:20:15 PDT

Handless crotch aiming is notoriously unreliable. If you're going to strap a weapon to some part of your body, it's best to put it a little closer to the face. Besides, I don't want that deadly doodad stuff playing in the same yard with the boys.

Kaiser-Machead's Chips Ahoy!

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

AmishJohn — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:18:53 PDT

On a related note, how about the Hooter Shooters from the Leisure Suit Larry franchise?

AmishJohn

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

ManchuCandidate — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:17:26 PDT

All those pieces better be recoilless or that's the only that is gonna fire down there.

ManchuCandidate

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

knots — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:17:02 PDT

Ok so yesterday it was E.T looks like a dick and today it's a rundown of cock-related weaponry...is there something you'd like to share with the group?...

SHOW ME ON THE DOLL WHERE HE TOUCHED YOU!!

knots

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

DocGratis — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:16:26 PDT

Not mine...
Make love not war...

Ahh too easy.

DocGratis

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Git Em SteveDave seeks Lego build buddy. How about you? — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:14:48 PDT

So in essence, the codpiece has a bat-cock.

Git Em SteveDave seeks Lego build buddy. How about you?

Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Fri, 09 May 2008 14:10:54 PDT

That's easy, mine.